Brooding is bad but I do it so well, adulting, and a cold, semi-dark house

Today has already been eventful. I got up, took Amanda to work not the park and ride bus stop, all the way downtown. I went to Starbucks, drove to Coeur d'Alene to pick up and pay for my medical records, stopped to get gas, went to Yoke's to get a money order, and paid the damned late fee for my apartment. Apparently there is some paperwork Amanda and I have to sign but instead of our landlord just giving it to me today to sign and bring back on Monday, she asked if she could give it to me on Monday because she is running behind on stuff today. I don't mind but I did ask for a work order which I am going to make copies of because Amanda and I have a lot of things we want to fix in this apartment, like the bathroom fan. It sounds awful, like it's going to fly out and kill us every time we turn it on or off. I think the only thing that is keeping it from doing so it the light. Then there is stove burner issue, the chipped paint they never fixed before we moved in (which we are happy to fix if they let us paint the hideous brown wall a different color), and we would like to have them tear the floor out in the kitchen so we can adequately take care of the ant problem and get the laminate flooring in that they are doing in other apartments. But we will talk to them about that later.

So aside from doing all of that, I've called the doctor's office I want to go to and left a message for them to call me back. It's 11:20 now and they are open until 12 noon. 

Now I just want a nap but I have homework to do. So I think I will either take a nap and set an alarm or do as much homework as I can until I fall asleep. 

Part of my homework is finishing my 20-25 page short story. It needs to get done. I know the more I write the better I will feel. I know the more I write, the more confidence I will have in my writing. These are things I know or at least hope for. But, I have little to no confidence in myself. I told Amanda yesterday that she's an amazing writer and that I am only ever going to be mediocre and that it was no reflection on her, that this is just what the vicious depression and anxiety monster in my head are telling me. It is so bad that I feel like I can't finish my assignment for school and if I can't do that then how the hell am I going to finish any of the books I've started and been working on? If I can't finish them, then what was the point in going back to school and it just spirals down from there. Damn it I really hate this. I hate feeling like this. I hate how my stupid brain works. I hate that I don't have the confidence I used to have not just in writing but in life in general. And as much as I love my Mother, I hate that she asked me when I got to be such a wuss. I know she was asking because she is shocked and concerned and wants me to be apparently "bad ass" again, but I don't know if I will ever be. I bring that up because I keep hearing her voice in my head asking me that and I am disgusted with myself. 

Since I am feeling this terrible, I am sitting in my comfort zone. The blinds are closed, the air conditioner is on because the neighbors are out smoking all around and there is a lot of noise and allergens blowing around. And I am going to make arrangements to see about going back to therapy because I really think I need too.   

A hard day, bad news-good news, and some apps (are they really necessary?)

One of my favorite artists, Nene Thomas

So my day was rough. It started out well. I took a shower without having a small freak out from the enclosed space and humidity and bonus I was able to do it while Amanda was at work. I've had some problems with my shower pretty much since we moved in but as long as I open the closet door between the bathroom and our bedroom and point my fan in and have the bathroom fan going, I have less issues. I've also managed to figure out a way to keep the shower curtain off me so I don't feel so boxed in. 

Continuing on from there, I went to a friend's new little Cottage to see all the progress they have made since moving in, have tea, and just visit. I was there for a couple of hours. And after I left there is where things kind of turned to shit. I went to one of our local grocery stores to get a money order but they only take cash. So I went to another store only to have my card declined which made no sense to me. Frustrated I tried to log into my account to figure out why, and because I had to pee, needed to eat something, and was starting to panic, I couldn't remember my login info. So I left the store and went to the car and tried to calm down. But then I tried to drive thinking I was okay. Lunch rush hour traffic was a mess, the sun was bright and burning my arm, and I got every red light. So the panic attack flared up again. But it was manageable enough that I was able to calm down long enough to pull in somewhere, sit for a few minutes, and then go get food. From there I just came home. 

I called my Dad after I ate. My Mom's jumping has been so bad that she dislocated her shoulder and had to pop it back in place by herself because my Dad wasn't home. Then she figured out that the new medication she was put on that had been working really well, hadn't been in her medicine box. So they are fixing that issue. My Dad on the other hand is not doing well. His depression is worse, meds suck, he thinks the staff infection on his ankle might be coming back, and the job prospect he had looks like it's not going to work out. I just want to parent-nap them! 

My doctor's office is making me drive into CDA to pick up my medical records instead of mailing them out to me like they did Amanda's. Apparently she didn't have a fee for her but I do, so I have to take at least an hour out of my day to go deal with that crap. The good news is, I was looking for a more holistic doctor's office and I found one that takes my insurance. I just have to call the see if they are taking new patients with my insurance, do a consultation and go from there. I really really hope that they take me. I really want to check this place out, especially after spending at least an hour reading over everything on the website. 

I had another panic attack this evening on the way home to Stitch & Witch. I think I got a little overwhelmed from the noise and how many people were crammed into the conference room at the coffee shop we went met at. I think everything from the day and being overwhelmed and then brooding a little bit kicked the panic attack off. I had to pull over. Which didn't make me happy because I thought I was doing better. I really truly hate this crap. But the good news here is at least I didn't have to take a xanax. 

Okay so good stuff. I had to look at some "wellness" apps for my wellness class. I found a chakra meditation app on google play. I found a water reminder app where you can set an alarm to remind you that you need to drink some water and it also keeps track of your intake. I found a mood tracker where I can list the activities I've done for the day and make notes. I don't know that I really need all these fancy apps. I don't like being so tied to my phone, computer, or even my kindle. I like to take breaks from electronics. However, I thought I would try these apps out for awhile and I remember to use them, I might keep them, if not, I will get rid of them. 

Well, I need to get back to doing homework. I have two final project drafts to write up this week. One is a power point presentation and the other is 20 more pages of a story. I can do both, I am just tired and kind of want to go to bed. 

My house is a wreck... again.

So my house is a disaster again. 

Amanda thought yesterday would be a really great day to bring all the crafts out for me to go through while she worked on getting my desk into the spare/office/library/Bowie room. *sigh* I should have been doing homework instead but the house stuff needed to be done as well. I managed to hurt my knee and my back, but that kind of go hand in hand with me trying to do anything I want or need to do and my back just needs to shut up and get over it. 

We got rid of some stuff, yay, and organized the rest. We have a couple more boxes to go through in that room but they are going to have to wait, probably until my break between terms. 

So for now this is what that room looks like:

I am working on getting a shelf to put some of that stuff on so it doesn't look so bad and so I have easier access. A friend of mine has a baker's rack that she said I could have if her mother didn't want it. 

Amanda gave me two shelves on one of the bookshelves and the top shelf too. 

That's the first wall you see when you go in. Vinyl records are on the bottom, the rest- aside for my craft shit- are books and assorted nick knacks. And my scrap booking paper boxes. I don't know who's sleeping bag that is or how or when we acquired it. 

My desk with a bunch of stuff on it that doesn't belong. Narcisa seems to think that she gets to be on it and I will allow it since it is in front of the window, as long as she doesn't cause me problems. Amanda was trying to get her to look at the camera. Oh look, we have sheer bat curtains! 

More books and things. The HBI box is hiding the record player.

And more books and my lame attempt to hide the stack of boxes and tubs we still have to go through. Yes, those are Build-a-Bear My Little Ponies and a few other stuffed animals. The closet is full of seasonal decorations and some more art stuff. My bedroom closet has my yarn and half of my fabric. I will take "finished" pictures when we get everything put together, which I really hope is soon. 

Video Chats, weird anime, and feeling a little better.

Last night Amanda and I were both feeling pretty tired and just not up to doing anything. So I ordered pizza, she went and picked it up, and we decided to try out A Jin on Netflix. I fell asleep watching it in the last several episodes, not because it was boring, but because I just couldn't keep my eyes open any more. I remember Amanda fussing at me about falling asleep, but I told her to let me, that I would finish out the show later.  It is an intense show with lots of blood. The concept is interesting and I liked what I was awake for. I plan to finish it either tonight or tomorrow. 

This morning I watched a couple of episodes of Red Data Girl. I am almost finished with that series and really wish there was more of it. I know there are manga and that the manga and anime are based of the novels. Well, I can't get the novels in English- or at least it doesn't appear that I can. I've checked Amazon. Needless to say, I have really enjoyed watching it. For that matter I have enjoyed watching anime again period. I kind of stopped for fora couple of years, only watching a little here and there because Amanda either didn't like what I was watching (wasn't her thing) or didn't want to watch it because she can become easily sucked in and then spends more time watching it than doing other things, which I totally understand. However, I kind of let that take over and cheated myself out of one of few true joys in my life. I didn't realize just how much I love it until I was fan-girling over the anime I have while Chris and Fiona were here. I apologized because I realized they probably didn't give a shit, and Fiona said she was only allowing it because it was the first thing that she'd ever seen me so excited and truly happy about. 

Well anime isn't the only thing that I am excited, happy, and fan-girlish over. It's just that most of the stuff I could talk about most people either don't care or don't have a clue. For instance there are tons movies and books I could go on and on about. There are places I have been that I could go on about. But its kind of like the conversation my Grandma and I had about when people would ask me how I am doing when I was going to church ages ago. She said that people don't really want to know how you are doing and if you tell them anything tell them only the good things. Which I always through was strange because if I took/take the time to ask someone how they are doing, it is because I actually do want to know how they are doing. But that's just me.

Speaking of Grandma, I am going to have a video chat with her today. My parents are going over to help Grandma and Grandpa with any housework, gardening, and computer or electronic stuff she needs. She will cook something amazing (which I always miss), and then Dad will set up his computer and we will chat. I was able to have a video chat with my Mom on Mother's day which was nice. Dad gave me shit when I asked her what the hell happened to her hair. He said, "I'd almost convinced her that it doesn't look bad and that she doesn't look like Aunt Laura, thanks for ruining it." Okay her hair cut doesn't look good on her and apparently it was the fix of a really bad hair cut but no, she doesn't look like Aunt Laura, not totally... Well, I mean come on they are identical twins, they are going to look somewhat similar. But my Mom is prettier and looks younger. So there!

The good news for the day is that I am feeling a little bitter physically. I was really stiff this morning and am still stiff. However, my back doesn't hurt as badly and my neck feels a bit better. I sat in bed for a little bit this morning stretching it carefully and doing some neck exercises I've seen my Mom do with her physical therapy. Seems to be helping. I certainly don't have the headache. And I managed to get the dishwasher unloaded when I made myself breakfast this morning. Speaking of dishes, I need to load up the dishwasher and run it so I can make dinner before Amanda gets home. 

Of backs, rain, and Kitty Cats and also Star Wars

It is blessedly raining and cold today. I am stationed on the sofa prepared to do as little as possible barring the dishes and taking a shower. Narcisa is keeping me company so to speak, in sitting in front of the patio window. We are listening to the birds, the rain, and enjoying the view. Although hers a bit more like live cat TV.  Because she gets so excited and likes to climb the screen, we have to keep the fireplace screen in front of the door. Which gives it a use all year round.

My house is a cluttered mess but for once, I just don't care. I think for me that's a sign that my depression is getting worse. There are some other indicators like not wanting to cook, not wanting to leave the house, feeling like I just don't have the energy to take a shower, and sleeping a lot (which I did yesterday). I've kind of been in a funk of sorts ever since I was sick and haven't quite come out of it. 

To go along with the funk or to make things worse, I've done something to my back again. Amanda's car is a manual or stick shift and lately trying to drive has been a bit painful in that when I move my legs to push on the petals my back gets pissy. Sometimes walking, sometimes sitting certain ways, and most certainly when I lay down in bed at night my back gives me grief. None of this makes me happy. None of this is easy or helps when I want to go do things in and out of my house. And if my back wasn't enough of a problem, now my neck is giving me shit too. I don't know what I did to it, but it feels like I can't get any relief from it either. 

So today, I say screw it. I'm not going to do anything. I'm going to sit on the sofa, drink some Golden Chai Tea with Turmeric because Turmeric is supposed to have anti-inflammation properties, finish watching Red Data Girl, and read a little. No homework today. I'm going to wait until Amanda gets home to take a shower just in case my back goes out, that way I don't fall or get stuck, unable to move. You know, that's a big part of the issue. I'm fucking 32 years old and I'm afraid to take a shower because of my stupid back locking up, going out, or whatever the hell it does. All my stupid doctors see is the damned weight and how I need to get it off. Well duh! No shit, but you can't get weight off if you can't fucking move! So instead of focusing on that, why don't you actually focus on the root of the problem so we can get to the secondary problem. Common sense folks. Common fucking sense. I can't walk if I can't move and throwing a bunch of pills that makes me so damned tired that I sleep all the time doesn't do any damned good.

On a happier note note, I think, four or five sparrows just got into what I think is a fight in the tree outside my patio. It was kind of intense and I heard a new sound from one of them, some sort of angry clicking. 

Also, I bought and Amanda and I have both seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I thought the dialogue was better in this movie than any of the others, it felt like it flowed better. I also liked the J. J. Abrams style effects. I feel it gave the Star Wars universe a fresh feel. However, I kept looking for things in the movie that I knew were cannon in the Star Wars universe that never appeared. I don't want to go into it too much because I don't want to spoil it for anyone who still hasn't seen it, but what about the Mara Jade arc? I told my Dad that while I haven't read every Star Wars book, I've know about Mara Jade since Star Wars Episode one came out and I was reading stuff on the internet about the universe. Dad said, when he gets his good computer up and running again, he has- up until that time- all the Star Wars novels on his hard drive and he will send them to me. He found free pdfs or something. I have all the Jedi Apprentice books with Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn and the Episode one novel. That aside, since my initial viewing of The Force Awakens, I've seen it a few more times and am actually happy with it. Also, Chewbacca is freaking old! He's been around and at least an adult Wookiee since Anakin Skywalker was a teenager. How long is a Wookiee's life span? Star Wars wiki says the average life span of a Wookiee is 400 years. 

Eye exams, apartment managers, grocery shopping, going to witch club, and a messy house

Today, after I pick up a friend and then Amanda from work, we are heading to one of the malls in town for Witch Club. Today it is just a social meet up, but it is a smaller more exclusive group. Well, not the social meeting parts, but there are some things that are more private. A friend of mine took it over from one of her friends and I am excited to see what she creates with it. 

My house is disaster but it is coming along. Amanda is getting caught up on the laundry because I just haven't had the where-with-all to deal with it. But I was feeling better yesterday and did a lot in the kitchen. Since I exploded a pie plate (set it on a burner and then turned on that burning thinking it was a different burner) we are still finding glass in the kitchen. When they say blow something to smithereens, I really did it! I had to vacuum out the silverware drawer and the broiler drawer of the stove yesterday. But aside from cleaning up glass, I did the dishes and then spent about an hour cutting up veggies and some fruit to freeze. I like to basically create meal bags on the weekends so I don't have to cut up lots of veggie if I am not feeling up to it or don't have time. This also makes sure that nothing goes to waste because I forgot it was in the fridge or on the counter. 

Since Amanda had the day off yesterday, we went grocery shopping. There were so many people out for the middle of the day. I thought, oh it's lunch rush hour, but after that, there were still a lot of people out. But we managed to get just about everything we needed. Amanda is looking at a laundry cart thing and I told her to get it but she wanted to wait. There was also a brace she was looking at for her heel that she wanted to wait on. Basically having to get 4 new tires for the car set us back a little bit, but we'll be okay when she gets paid next week. Then we can start focusing on getting a belt for her car and the fuel pump for the Jeep. After that, it is a matter of figuring out what is going on with the heater and air conditioner in the Jeep and fixing the door lock on Amanda's car. Although frankly, I am so ready to trade in both cars for something else. We were talking about the possibility of a truck or even a minivan, but I think we will probably go with a mid-side SUV.  

So, while we were out yesterday, we were kind of looking at the different suvs around. We also talked about a 5 year plan and working toward getting a house, which is awesome! As soon as Amanda started talking about if we really wanted to settle in this area, five year plan, and taking some kind of class that her boss is taking to help get a house, I pretty much wanted to snog her, but I was driving and she'd just had Reese's Peanut Butter Cups for a treat. Since I had been out of allergy meds for two weeks and was already itching like crazy, I didn't want to push it.

I can't decide if I like my apartment managers. They are strange. I can say that I think a 75$ late fee for being one day late on rent is utter bullshit. Yes, we were one day late in getting the money order to the office, but that is only because I spaced it the night before when we got home. No, I don't have t pay that much this time. Apparently they have a one time waver where you only have to pay 25$ for a processing fee. Which s bullshit too, it should never cost that much, but whatever, I will get them the 25 and be done with it.  I also call bullshit on them being able to kick us out in a matter of 3 days if we couldn't pay rent. This was just some of the explanation one of the ladies was giving me yesterday. This place is obnoxious with all their rules and regulations. No worries, I'm not planning to move anytime soon. In fact I don't want to move until I get a house or if this place becomes intollerable and I don't see that happening. Although, I may end up blowing a gasket if the kids don't stop beating up on the trees, running up on my patio, and leaving muddy hand prints on my windows. Like my Dad said when I told him my annoyances "Get of my lawn!" It is true. I have a territorial bubble about my house, lol. I don't want anyone within a certain distance unless invited. Animals are the only exception.

Okay, last thing, I had an eye exam this week. Because I knew my eyes were going to be dilated and I already have a light sensitivity, I had a friend take me to the appointment. The nurse I had was brisk and a bit rude. No, I didn't look fancy, but why put on make up when you know they are going to be putting something in your eyes? But that wasn't really her problem. Her problem with me was that I am fat. No, really, I did not read her wrong. When I got into the exam room and tried to sit in the exam chair, the arm rests made it impossible. So, I asked her very politely if they moved up. She looked at me then the chair and sighed and proceeded to tell me that she'd never had to do that before. The arm rests did move up and we got on with the appointment but she was annoyed that I had to adjust how I was sitting so I could lean forward for a couple of things. I just wanted to tell her to knock it off, grow up, and get over it. I didn't, I was super polite but she couldn't wait to get out of there. The eye doctor was nice but he seemed to focus on some of my medicines and asked if they are helping me. I thought that was a little strange and a little invasive, but whatever. 

The end result is that I do need new glasses and I took my prescription and came home. I've already ordered them and they are on their way. Bonus, I got three pairs for what I would have paid for one pair by going to Zenni optical. I basically got a main pair, a back up pair, and finally a pair of prescription sunglasses! And here are the pictures of them starting with the sunglasses. 

I couldn't resist the dragon pair. Because DRAGONS!!!

I did something big, maybe a little brave, but certainly something for myself.

In my previous post I talked about about jumping a ship. That ship is, in fact sinking, and will continue to do so, but it will do so without me.

I resigned my position from the IEPG council tonight after much thought, stress, tears, and consideration. There is one member on the council who is making it impossible to make the necessary changes to breath new life and energy into the guild.  This person also made it clear that the rest of the council members were not to go behind their back and have council meetings even though that was not what happened. We happened to be together and talking about how we have seen a decline in new people and a decline in regular members. We talked about out fears of the group diminishing and what we could do to help it thrive again. We made a list of concerns and some ideas we thought we could tackle and put forth to rejuvenate the guild. But this person made it apparent last night that they have control and and nothing will be done without their approval. More importantly,  this person made it clear that it is their group, they are boss, and the rest of us are basically all expendable and replaceable. It was a said as a veiled threat but I saw through it. It was what I needed to know to make my final decision.  

The IEPG meant a lot to me. I learned things, I grew and even outgrew the guild in so much as needing more intensive spiritual studies. I got what I needed from the group, which was friends, the ability to stand on my own feet again, and discover some spiritual direction. In the last several months I have felt over taxed, spread too thin, and drained by many things all at once. I hung in there and held on for as long as I could but after doing 4 tarot readings myself and a friend of mine doing a rune reading, I knew it was time to let go, and focus more on me.

What this means for me is that I now have a tiny bit more free time to myself. I will be focusing my energy on my career path, finishing school without worrying about if I've done enough research or done a good enough job on IEPG Esbats and Sabbts or workshops, and this gives me the opportunity to explore some things in a solitary manner. 

Oddly enough, I kind of feel better, even lighter. But with that said, I have some homework to do and I need to go to bed.

Edit***

In the hour it between the time I submitted my resignation, I have since learned that the aforementioned council member is talking about disbanding the IEPG completely. Other council members have voiced that they have been thinking about stepping down as well. the person in control decided then to say that they also have been thinking about stepping down this week and that they didn't do it because they didn't want to leave the rest of us hanging. Another council member talked about those still around taking it over but the person in control isn't having it. Which means that that person would rather let the IEPG diminish and disband than give over even the tiniest once of control, to let other members help make it flourish, oh and it seems they want to be sure to cash in on the donation money. The two other council members that are left are trying to see that if the group disbands tonight, that the donation money is used for one last hurrah for the group. I honestly don't see that happening. I think I may have just lost all respect for the council member who can't grow up and stop being a selfish bitch.