Monday, April 16, 2012


I am patiently waiting to go home. We've been visiting friends all weekend and I would have preferred to have been home last night. But as with most things, it doesn't hurt me to want... or does it? I'm out of pain medicine. I called it in before we left Friday afternoon but my pharmacy is two hours away and I pretty much want to vomit and cry, I hurt so much today. I think it is a testament to exactly how much patience I have with my Gf and friends no not be pitching a fit.

Since visiting these friends, a set of twins, I've really noticed some things. One is a bit lazy and doesn't like to take her dog outside, which leads to said dog having accidents on the floor. The other twin is typically the one who has to clean it up. This other twin is also the one who I've only seen cleaning the house, cooking, and doing the dishes. I really don't think that's all that fair, but it's not my house, and I am just making an observation.

Either way, it reminds me of exactly how one sided chores are becoming between myself and my Gf. I can't do as much around the house any more because of my back. Some days I have problems dressing myself, showering, and going to the bathroom. It is humiliating to not even be 30 years old and have to have someone help you with the simple things I should be able to take care of myself. And, I really hate asking my gf to do anything because I know it gets old and frustrating. Worse, I really hate waiting on her. I always say if I combined the time I've spent waiting on my mother and my Gf... I want that half of my life back.

My back isn't always so debilitating. I have weeks where the pain is tolerable and I can move around pretty well. I try to do a lot in those weeks from cleaning, to getting out to do things, ect... And sometimes I think, I might be able to go back to school or get a job and then I move wrong, sleep wrong, or something and I'm back to being a useless lump again. It's bad enough, that my own father, who ground into me that not being in school or working was shameful and that trying to get on disability when you're not seriously disabled is a crime, tells me I need to apply. 

I feel like I am not seriously disabled because I am and have been working to make my back better, because I have days and weeks where I can move around like a normal person. I also feel like if I do get accepted for disability, then it is the end for me, that I am saying that I am giving up and there are no more options left. Now I'm not saying that any of my friends who are on it have given up and I certainly don't look down on them. Each friend who is on it, is on it legitimately and for good reason.

But me? I can't work, I can't go to school, no matter how hard I try. Some days, I can't even sit up for long periods of time. So what do I do? Kill what's left of my self esteem and bend and apply and spend the next several months to possibly years fighting to get disability? Or keep on like this? Either way, I'm going to be a depressed, useless burden to someone.

Kind of makes any wants, plans, or goals seem really pointless. Especially that Vlog channel I made. I don't even know how I am going to have reasonable content when I am stuck at home being a bump on a log. *Sigh*

Good news, I guess Guild Wars 2 is STILL on pre-order. I don't know why they are getting everyone so excited. They've only done a limited amount of beta testing with people and still haven't set a release date. 

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