2013: a year of quiet and constant fear. 2014: A year hoping for hope and happier things.

If I Only Knew by Zolaida @ deviant art

Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of good stuff happen in 2013 and I've have a lot to be thankful for, that I am truly thankful for. But all of that becomes so easily overshadowed so much of the time.

Since it is still 2013 in my part of the world, I thought I would get this out so I can be rid of it before 2014 comes, sort of starting with a new slate per se.

2013 has been a long and very difficult year. I've lived in constant and quiet fear of many things. I've been terrified that I won't get the help I need especially since I swallowed my pride and am of the asking. I've been terrified to try and work because I've been fired from one job for poor health, quit another because they said I would get fired if I missed anymore days period, and had to drop out of college due to my health troubles. All that fed the ravenous beast of anxiety I've fought since I can remember.

Quite frankly, sometimes going to bloody the grocery store, depending on how many people are there and how close in proximity they get to me, can cause panic. The worst part was when I would be scared of people, people I had no reason to be scared of and it has often been confusing. Not in the, I've lost my head sort of way, but rather in the 'why am I afraid of this person, there is no reason for me to be and they haven't done anything to me to make me scared of them', sort of way. An example of this is that I typically tell my parents everything, both of them are two of my best friends and I'm having trouble having conversations with my Dad. There's stuff that I want to talk to him about but can't quite get the words out of my mouth.   

Along with being afraid during the last year I have lost some pretty important things. Some of my pride and dignity being a large part. When you have days where you can't walk very well much less take a shower on your own or go to them bathroom without assistance I suppose you lose some of that, especially since you used to be the one who tried to take care of other people as much as you could.

I feel that I have lost a sense of self and and worth. I can't clean the house very well (for a kid who fought having chores, I found cleaning my own house and friend's houses therapeutic as an adult), can't cook as much as I would like. My small accomplishments, things I can do or have learned to do don't seem to mean anything much at all. This is something unspoken but every day implied where I currently live. I just can't quite compare in anything on any level with anyone. It's been a bit disheartening. 

In all arenas the people I am around have made me feel like shit for expressing my opinions and ideals. They barrel over me in conversation, make me feel horrible for putting my foot down on something or when I've tried to. A lot of the time I've felt bullied into things I never wanted to do in the first place and in that I felt as though I've lost control of my life. I have to do what everyone else wants because it will make everyone else happier and I am too exhausted to argue and in the end a fight, argument, or manipulation will only end up with me losing and doing what others want anyway. It has gotten so bad that my mother has decreed that I need to move home and it's not because she wants me to (she does, she really misses me) but it's because she's so shocked at how beaten down I've become. The old me wouldn't have put up a quarter of this shit.

I've lost people to talk to, friends who don't even really know how bad things really are, because I don't want to be that friend that no one wants to talk to because everything is always negative and depressing. It hurts because I always listen and cheer everyone else along but push them away so they don't really have to deal with me when it's my turn, it's the same shit different day anyway. No one can fix it or help anything, so why get everyone else down, you know?

I've also lost time with two people very dear to me, my Grandparents. They are both in their mid 80s and Grandpa has Alzhimer's disease. I don't expect most of my friends to understand the kind kind of relationship I have with these two people, most of my friends don't have the kind of relationship I have with them. They are like a second set of parents. They took me places when my parents couldn't, spent time with me, taught me things and not just life lessons, but actually taught me. Grandpa was a Master Teacher/ Librarian and Grandma was a Teacher. So when I couldn't read very well, Grandma helped. Both of them taught me about the history of the places we went, where they grew up, they are the last of the WW2 generation and they both grew up during the dust bowl. Grandma taught me how to sew, I could really go on but the point is, they aren't going to live forever and I'm afraid I won't get back home before they are gone.  
                           
Lastly, I've lost hope that there is anything good left for me.  Because I am afraid that nothing will turn out right, and very little has, I'm too afraid to hope that I will get to the things I really need/want. In fact I wrote a couple of months ago about having a day where I lost hope entirely, where I was completely at peace with dying. That's terrifying! At least it is to me now, in that moment it wasn't.

I can't live like this anymore. I can't continue live so dangerously close to the edge. 2014 can't be like

2013 because I don't know that I would survive it or survive it intact. So, in lieu of resolutions, because I always break those, I'm going to make some small goals. I want to be happier. I want to talk to my friends. I want to do more things and focus on the things that make me happy and tell people 'no' when something doesn't or if I really don't want to do something. I am tried of feeling bitter and angry because people don't understand how exhausting a lot of things are and how much more taxing it is to pretend that I'm just fine. I want to be able to tell them enough is enough and be able to allow others to take care of me from time to time. I just really hope this all doesn't backfire in my face. There's a lot I still want to do, a lot I want to see, and I really want to feel lighter, more positive things in the coming year. 

                                                      

Post Christmas blues, failed plasma donation, and whatever else comes out.

My sewing machine

Over all I had a decent Christmas. There wasn't any family drama, it was quiet, and no one bothered me. I also made a nice dinner and promptly crashed on the sofa after eating it. I was so exhausted despite having made most of the food the night prior. Bonus: just about everything I got this year, is not only fun but useful!

That being said, one of the things I received was the sewing machine to the left. I have a sewing machine that was given to me by my Grandma but we can't make it work. So, Skoora bought me a replacement and it looks... like a challenge. I've never had one that was digital and from peeking at the manual today, I'm going to have at least a day of examination before I actually sewing anything on it. That's not a problem though, it just has to be within the net few days because I have to sew Skoora's reversible tote bag together. I finished the embroidery for both sides.

As to why I am feeling the post Christmas blues, well, I ran out of depression meds. I am also out of muscle relaxers and heart burn meds. *face palm* I haven't been in the best of moods today and it also didn't help that I awoke with a screaming migraine. (As it turns out, I am going to have to fluff this new pillow every night to get it just right as well.) My head hurt so terribly earlier that I blacked out my room and lay down with a cold, wet wash cloth on my forehead. I fell asleep but it didn't really help. I also didn't manage to get anything accomplished today except entering upcoming doctor's appointments into my new yearly planner.

this was only the first day

Skoora and I went to BioLife Plasma tonight to donate. I haven't been back since they blew out my vein on the 4th of July. The pic to the left was what my arm looked like when I got home. The next day, it looked so much worse and I decided that I was done donating plasma. Every time I've gone they've left bruises on me. I am worried about potential blood clots and infections. A nurse at my doctor's office actually told me she doesn't like them because the 'phlebotomists' there aren't really phlebotomists and that she had a guy come in from that place who got a staph infection due to a nurse not changing gloves between patients. Whether or not that is true or isn't, it still makes me a bit nervous.

However, Skoora is going to Boston for another residency for a couple of weeks and she doesn't get paid until after she is there. I need to have some money for gas and whatever medicine I need to pick up while she is gone. So she picked me up from home after she got off work and we drive all the way to BioLife to donate tonight only to find out that neither of us could. We have to have a physical. Being that I haven't had my depression meds today, I still have a migraine, and I was afraid that I would be able to donate because when I have a migraine my blood pressure goes up and they won't let me donate if it is too high, that just remembering how badly they blew my vein last time make me want to cry, AND we'd just basically wasted gas getting there, I was a bit pissed. I tried really hard not to show it though.

On to semi-happier things, last night, after I awoke from my nap on the sofa, I decided to look at kitchen items. It was too late to call my parents and try to do a google hang out with them being that it was after 10 pm here and after 12 am there, they live in the Midwest where as I live in the Pacific Northwest.

Anyway, I looked mainly at Wal-mart.com for baking dishes, silverware, and dishes. I made the mistake of giving our dishes away to one of my cousins before we moved up here. I wanted to do something nice for said cousin and Skoora and I were planning to get a nice set when we moved into our own place again. Two years later, we still don't have our own place and we still don't have any plates and I'm pretty sure my Mom confiscated my silverware. (Half of our things are still in my parent's basement and since I'm not there to use them, I don't mind my Mom having them. Far better she get some use out of them than they collect dust).  Actually, my Mom's been into my stuff more than that because she's borrowing my wall sconces and as much as I don't mind, it kind of makes me want to cry (not because of her).

And here is where I will log off because I don't really want to get into any of that. 

HAPPY YULE!

Happy Yuletide Greetings!

Skoora and I wish everyone a happy and healthy Yule! We hope that this holiday and the coming holidays and year are wonderful for you! 

We started our Yule festivities with a 4 am wake up hair ball from Yoda-Chan. Poor kitty got sick but he was on my pillow. I was able to move him from there but couldn't quite get him off the bed so we had a mess. Because of the disruption, and a small icky mess on my pillow, I had to do some quick changing of the bed and pillows. For some reason if I don't get my pillows just right or if I don't have the right ones fluffed the right way, I get the worst head ache the next morning. I think I am becoming the Princess from The Princess and the Pea. 

So, I awoke with a headache this morning, had to toss down some headache meds along with my morning meds and hurry out the door for a trip into the neighboring town to take care of some business and pick up a gift from a toy store for a friend. I love the toy store, it's like Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium without the store actually being alive. After that we stopped for lunch at our favorite Chinese buffet and came back to our town. We went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things and most importantly, a pillow for me. I am going to get rid of my oldest pillow with this replacement and see how that works for me. 

When we got home we decided to take a little food out to the a park not far from where we live and have a Yule cook out. I made a tater-tot casserole and put it in foil as well as some bacon and grabbed two toaster strudel. We had some wood in the back of the jeep and we took off.

When we arrived Skoora started working on the fire and I set up my camera to take some pictures. However, it was getting dark so not a lot of them turned out. This one did, it's of the river down the hill.  

We did manage to get the food half way cooked before packing it in. Like I said it was getting dark and the sign at the entrance of the park said that the park closed at sunset and we were there until after sunset. When we heard a fire truck, we pulled our food off the grill, killed the fire, and pack our things up. We didn't want to get into trouble for being there after hours. But while we were there we listened to nice music and just enjoyed the park. There was a squirrel above us on the roof of the pavilion and when we left, we saw two deer. I really wished we could have stayed longer. I would really have liked that. 

We are home, have finished cooking dinner in the oven and eaten it and now we are watching TV for a little bit. Well, we are listening to the TV. The Wizard of Oz is on. It was my Uncle's favorite movie, my Uncle who passed on last year. We will probably play games in a little bit but first, we have to do some laundry else we won't have a bed to lay down in in the morning.  

  

Oh Twitter, Oh Facebook *sigh*

I am going to make this quick because I am waiting for Skoora to edit the Christmas/yule story I wrote to send out in our cards this year.

Twitter: I logged into my twitter account yesterday only to find out that my account had been suspended. Now since I don't really like Twitter in the first place, mostly because all I see is a bunch of #  hash tag nonsense from strangers and hardly anything from the people I am actually following. I also don't like that there is a bunch of this hash tag nonsense to begin with. People go crazy with it. Just say what you want to say and leave it at that.

Well, so as I was saying, I found that my account was suspended. I was a little pissed especially since after I filled out a little form they sent an e-mail back telling em to go read their site rules. *insert annoyed face* I read the rules twice and sent back a reply that was very police and even nice, basically stating that I didn't appreciate it and if I really had done something wrong then I apologize and am glad that I was able to use their service for the months I had it. I received a response stating that they had accidentally caught me up in a spam filter and that my account should be active again. The only reason I started a Twitter account was so I could follow a few celebrities, authors, musicians ect... and then have it available should I ever get a book published. Writers have to do a little marking for themselves.

Facebook: I was finish up my breakfast in the living room and Skoora's Dad had one of the seems like 10 news stations on. One was talking about how the folks at Facebook can see all your messages, even the ones you erase and there was some chatter that sounded like they be able to see what your doing while you have Facebook open on other sites or doing other things on your computer. They apparently keep track of your keystrokes. AND the lady who works for Facebook who was talking about this seems to think that's perfectly all right. WHAT?! I don't think so!

If I actually post a message on my Facebook, that's fine, obviously I want what I am saying to be seen otherwise I wouldn't have posted. And I'm miffed about them being able to see what I started to post but decided to erase, simply for the fact that I erased it and it's a little disconcerting to know that someone might be watching what I am writing as I am typing it. Enter creeped out factor. But what really pisses me off is that they think they have any right to monitor what I am doing on other sites or my personal computer just because I have Facebook open!

The only reason I even got Facebook in the first place was so I could keep in contact with friends from High School, some family members, and yes, even to play mindless games from time to time. As a person who has worked in two call centers and now hates talking on the phone (no, actually, I loathe it), and I live half way across the country from most of said friends and family, Facebook is the easiest way for me to keep up with them. Especially since most of them don't like to use snail mail or even e-mail. You don't know how many times I have e-mailed someone and they don't reply, it's very annoying. And like I said with Twitter, assuming I ever get a book published, I will need to do some Marketing on Facebook.

But there is something else that is bothering me. In that little news segment they said that the FBI can turn on your computer's webcam and spy on you. As if having the NSA spying on everything wasn't bad enough! So my post to Facebook recently was "Heard on the news that the FBI can turn on my webcam. Hope they like watching me pick my nose".  Nope, won't deny it, I pick my nose occasionally while reading stuff online. I also occasionally chair dance if my back isn't hurting too badly and I talk to myself as well as my characters. If I'm playing Guild Wars, I cuss out the NPCs and sometimes chew fellow alliance members out under my breath. Oh and sometimes Skoora and I talk about Yaoi. *gasp!*  So scandalous! I'm not saying that they do watch me or that they are, it's the fact that they can that really pisses me off.

All of that unpleasantness aside, I am hoping to get the Christmas/ Yule letter finished, the Christmas/ Yule Story edited and revised, and get them both in our cards and in the mail by the end of the day. But somehow, I have a feeling that won't entirely be the case for it seems that today is a very slow moving day. Why? Because Skoora is the biggest procrastinator that I know. She's not even dressed yet. Before I joined my life with hers six years ago, I used to be 15 minutes early to everything, now I am luck if I am on time at all. This is not something I am thrilled with, in fact most of the time it puts me on edge, but what can I do? I've often thought of getting a cattle prod but she might enjoy that too much.

In lieu of... and a picture

Picture © Hannah Richardson

The picture above is one I took of my little Yule display in my room. I was fiddling with my camera and I still haven't gotten the hang of ISO settings and taking candle pictures with the lights off. I played with the picture in pixlr express, hoping to take some of the graininess away. But there it is and for what it is, it's pretty.

As I said in my last post, a friend had the idea of me writing a short Christmas story in lieu of writing the dreaded 'what I've been up to this past year' portion of our Christmas/Yule letter this year. Well, I did it. I wrote a short, four page story, and in doing so I remembered why I really don't like writing short stories. There's never enough time to go into as much detail as I would like, I have to move things along faster, and it feels weird after I've been used to writing novel length stories. Even the fan fiction I wrote several years ago, and the collaborative written role plays were and have been as long as novels.

But, I can't afford to mail a novel length Christmas/Yule card to everyone so four pages will have to do.The story might not even remain four pages because I only just finished the 1st rough draft. Skoora and I need to go over it together tomorrow after she gets home from work and edit it. I'll need to fix the errors and make the necessary changes. I also might end up writing a little bit for those we don't send the story portion of the letter to. Just a short little blurb, nothing too detailed or personal.

Honestly, when we get all the mailing done, I will feel a little relieved. We have so much to do and I realized today that there are only 10 days until Christmas and 7 days until Yule. Oh boy! Not all of the ordered Christmas/ Yule presents have arrived and I am afraid that some won't come until after both holidays. I haven't really decided what I am going to cook for Christmas dinner. If I left that up to Skoora's mom, we'd have ham and cheese buns. They are okay, but I am used to a big Christmas dinner so I'm going to cook one. I know I am making home-made mac'n cheese. Skoora's mom requested it and I definitely want mashed potatoes and gravy. I'll bake some pies and make my little snacks, but as for a veggie dish and the meat portion, well, I still need to sit down with Pinterest! I'll do that tomorrow though.

Oh and I still have to make/finish a few presents too. I had to wait for some supplies to come in the mail since my local craft store didn't have what I needed.

In other news, Yoda has managed to sucker a nibble of cheese out of Skoora's mom and I this evening. He's not even supposed to have it anymore, but he doesn't get treats and he won't eat canned cat food, so we try to give him a little bit of a treat now and then, especially since the other cats get them.

Yesterday a package came in the mail. It contained four mini Funko vinyl My Little Ponies. Since Skoora and I weren't having the best of days, in fact it was kind of bad, we decided to open them. We got the Dj, Spitfire, Bon Bon, and Lyra. I thought perhaps the tails moved and was remarking so and at the same time Skoora and I both twisted them a little. Guess what? The tails don't move and if you twist them, you twist them off. Or well, we managed not to pull them completely off. But, we were able to fix them with the soldering iron. I know that's not what it's supposed to be used for but it worked and that's all that matters and the tails are snugly back in place and don't even look like they were bothered in the first place.

Also, while we were playing the card version of monopoly, I grabbed a round, plastic Christmas ornament from one of the center pieces that were on the tables at the family Christmas party. I dusted it off and put it in my mouth. Skoora  and her mom both watched me do this and neither one of them made the connection of what I was about to do. I popped that ornament out of my mouth and it flew across the table and smacked Skoora right in the glasses. She was so startled and confused, it was priceless! I almost peed my pants from laughing so hard. Better yet, I did it to her again when she came into the bedroom for bed.

Speaking of bed, it's time for me to crawl in it.

  

It's that season again!

Happy Yuletide or Holidays, which ever you prefer. It never ceases to amaze me how many people are still fighting over who's holiday it is, what the reason for the season is, or who started the holiday. Sorry my Christian friends, but Yule or the Winter Solstice did, in fact, begin with the pagans, the Egyptians to be exact and it was their celebration of the rebirth of Horus. It spread to the Babylonians Romans, Greeks and on and on it went. When the Christian's came about, they needed something to compete with pagan holidays and festivities so they chose December 25th. They actually did that with a lot of pagan holidays in their effort to gain converts. 

Over the years Christians and pagans have developed customs and symbols and mishmashed them together so much so that it's hard to tell who came up with what. For me it doesn't matter what belongs to what or who, for all, the season, no matter which faith you ascribe to, is about renewal, family, giving, and hope. But, like the Joker in Batman, the arguments between Christians and other religions, won't die. And for some people, they just can't let it go, to agree to disagree, which is pretty damn sad. 

I suppose I am fussing about it because I keep seeing my Christian friends plastering my wall with various 'in your face' messages about the holiday season. I appreciate their enthusiasm and their right to free speech, but not their snobbish attitude about it. It's kind of depressing and makes me believe that they've forgotten what the actual 'reason for the season' is. 

That being said, I am celebrating both pagan and christian holidays in my house. I will most likely celebrate Yule (Winter Solstice) with Skoora in the privacy of our room or we might go out. We will celebrate Christmas with her parents, who are Catholic. For all the complaining I do and all the aggravation I feel over Skoora's parents, they have never ever given me any lip about my religious beliefs. I've never had to hide my books in a box under the bed, hide the few items of jewelry I own, or well anything. Of course that probably has something to do with the fact that I respect their religious beliefs and practices, and don't shove mine in their face and get bitchy with them like their son and his wife did. (Sometime I would really like to talk about those two, but that'll be several blog posts long.)

All of that aside, we have almost all the Christmas/Yule presents taken care of. I think we just have Skoora's mom's stocking left. Since we're really broke, and that seems to be a common theme spreading throughout my family, I told Skoora not to worry about getting things for my family. They don't know it but I am in the process or will be making them things. All of it just takes time but I'm working where and when I am able. 

I have managed to make two craft pieces only so far and don't expect to get any more done this year, unless they happen to be someones present. I will feature them on my craft blog when I am able to get around to that. And I haven't made any seasonal food as of yet. I am planning on it, I would very much like to make wassail again. The last time I made it it was for a Yule party with some pagans back in Wichita but the person who was running it had something come up. So I was left with this giant pot of wassail that my Dad had helped me to make! It was really good and there was just so much of it that I don't think we were able to finish it all. I think it was even in the fridge for a month.  If I make it this time, it won't be that much to be sure. 

Oh, I am cooking Christmas dinner this year, so I have been perusing Pinterest and recipe sites to see what looks good. I don't want to do the same old things this year, but something different. 

Other than that, I have to write in a little in the holiday letter Skoora started. I was uber depressed earlier today because I didn't think I really had anything to write and if I did manage something I didn't think that anyone would really give a shit. (This is where my depression and anxiety have won over everything and smacked me around for a few days.) I whined as much on facebook and a couple of my friends kindly told me that wasn't true and a couple even gave me some ideas. An teacher from high school who has since turned good friend, got frustrated when I told a friend that it wasn't so much that I didn't have anything to write as it was that there's nothing overly positive about my current situation, and that my Grandmother ground into me that it wasn't good to tell people how things really were because they really didn't care and wouldn't want to hear about it. So in essence Grandma told me to hide things and lie. My teacher friend didn't like that and told me to just write what I felt and if I didn't like it in the end, I could scrap it and say 'I'm done with that'. It sounds good to me. 

One of my friends suggested that I write a Christmas story with all of my favorite characters. LOL, that wouldn't be as short a story as she thinks it might be and then the question is: anime characters, movies characters, TV show characters, or my personal characters from the books I've been writing or previous short stories or fanfics?  Or should I make up entirely new characters? Hmmm. I'm going to have to tell this friend of mine that she's a bitch (in a loving way) because I have been seriously considering this story idea and kind of don't have time to do write it. Foresee several nights no sleep in my immediate future.       

It's December and I've got cat drool in my hair.

First, I would like to point out that today is my Grandma's 86th birthday. She's still going, sharp as a knife, and I love and miss her very much. She lives back home, in Kansas.

I'm not usually up at 7 in the morning. Well, if I am it's typically because I have to be somewhere or I've stayed up writing or have been in too much pain to sleep. That's not really the case for me this time. This time it's because I stayed up late to play monopoly with some visiting friends, and watch a movie and work on a Christmas/ birthday present. I was hurting pretty bad when I went to bed at 4 am so I took some medicine and it should have knocked me on my butt. However, I think the fact that I really need to make sure Skoora get up, moving, and out the door in time to attend a meeting at work and feed the cats (trust me if I am late, they will make me get out of bed) is what is keeping me from sleeping. It's as if my brain says "nope, not going to let you chance oversleeping" and it's done this to me since I can remember, anytime I need to be some place extra early.

It's very very annoying. But at least it's giving me time to really cuddle with Yoda-Chan and catch up on some blog reading. I did lay down for a little bit earlier and Yoda curled up on my pillow. I pet him for awhile and then got up to use the bathroom and found dried cat drool in my hair! Thanks Yoda, thanks. *sigh* I washed it out but it was still gross. A hazard of being a cat owner I suppose.

We have company for the holiday and have been in and out of the house. Thankfully, our Black Friday shopping has been uneventful and we only had issues with people being rude at once store, something a friend noticed but I had long since become mostly immune to. She had her gallbladder removed recent and had to use one of the electric carts in the store. I had to as well that evening and apparently we got some nasty looks. Great Grandma Ireland used to say 'If you don't like the way I look, you've got three other directions to look". I can stand firmly behind that most of the time, but I more than understand why those people upset her.

I wasn't out for anything in particular this Black Friday. I just wanted to get out and move around despite how much it hurt. Plus, two for one happy hour coffee at Hasting's is always nice. The Barista's still make the Autumn Harvest Breve for me even though it's out of season. Skoora had an eggnog late. We got a few things at Wal-Mart, nothing big. I got a Tripod for my camera. One of my medicines makes me a little shaky so my pictures don't always turn out nice. The tripod will certainly help and it was on sale for $10.

We went to Michael's last night. I picked up some much needed embroidery thread, a new paint brush that I've needed for awhile, and a couple of really pretty candle holder. Skoora wanted some special candles that smell wonderful. When we got home, I set them up in the bathroom and when the candle are lit and the lights are out, it's so pretty in there. The candle holders were on sale and we had a coupon for the rest, well the cashier used one from their ad.

Mostly, we weren't after sales or worried about getting anywhere for anything in particular. We just took it easy and went at our own pace. Being in a over crowed wal-mart was difficult for me but I survived without a panic attack. I don't do well with lots of people. I don't like the noise, how close they crowd around me to get items, or how rude some people can be. (I'm an introvert and agoraphobic and claustrophobic) It also probably helped that we went after the flash sales so most of the people were already gone or leaving the store.

We've had a little snow but, of course, it's melted. We'll have more though. It's cold and rainy at the moment. Galen is curled up in my desk chair. Yoda is curled up next to me on the bed. Skoora is snoring the morning away. Everything is quite and peaceful. For once. Time to get up and make breakfast and coffee. 

Swollen and the Clorox Kitty

He looks cute but don't let that fool you.

The handsome shit-head to your left is Galen Gladamir. He's one of my cat and I'm pretty sure he's got some electrical problems. He's actually an asshole most of the time but in the last year or so, he's been getting rather needy and cuddly with me. Me, the person he hisses at when she take her towel off after a shower, and yes, he really did do that. He hisses at you when you walk passed him too, or if you look at him wrong or, well just look at him. Once, I told him that I loved him and he growled at me. So, I told him that I hated him and he stopped. What the hell, right?

Anyway, this dumb cat was caught licking Clorox off the bottom of the shower several months back which nearly gave me a heart attack and he was caught trying to do it again today. We think he might have actually gotten a little because he was really weird afterward. He kept sniffing and rolling around on the hallway floor as if he'd had some catnip. *Sigh* He's okay, just stupid. I have a feeling he will be underfoot constantly in the morning. We're cooking a turkey for Thanksgiving. He loves turkey and chicken and roast, and anything meaty really. He stole a piece of chicken out of the fridge once, even got past the plastic wrap covering it. He eats bread and never ever ever eat pizza unguarded. He'll rip that right out of your hand and run off with it. I'm not kidding.

As for swollen, I have been craving a lot of salt lately, don't know why. So, I've kind of been seeking out saltier foods and salting my food a little more than usual. (when I was a kid, I used to pour a little salt in my hand and eat it plain) So, in turn, I'm retaining water and am now swollen. If I can't get the swelling down overnight by having my feet up, then I'll have to take a water pill tomorrow morning. Very annoying, but if it helps, then I'll do it and drink more water. That's something else. I drank soda nearly all day two days in a row this week and if it wasn't soda it was coffee the rest of the time. I haven't done that in a long time.

I am almost finished with NaNoWriMo. If I can just crank out the last 5,000 or so words, I will win it. My novel is far from being finished, even 1st draft speaking. In fact, I'm having a lot of trouble with it and you don't even want to know what it looks like. Word Vomit isn't the correct term, it's much worse but I'm having trouble getting it out. The story bugs me when I am away from it and then says "haha, just kidding"  when I sit down to actually write. Ugh!  Needless to say it's been really frustrating and I actually toyed with the possibility of getting some rum, and seeing what I could do while slightly intoxicated. But I scrapped that because I take pain pills for my back and I don't really want to mix the two. The good news is, once I finish Nano, I am setting this story aside for a little bit to work on some Chritmas/Yule crafts, get a present or two finished, and just take a needed break from the story all together. A fresh pair of eyes, not being stressed out by who's coming when and what we still have left to do, might help. (We have a family Christmas party on December 7th, Skoora's family)

Well, I hope everyone has a happy and safe Thanksgiving. We are going to eat, play games, and if American football is playing on TV, I will happily find myself in another room doing something else.  

Lots to say but...

 I have started and erased this blog post three times now. I have a lot to say, good and bad, happy and sad, but I just can't seem to decide on anything. The headache probably isn't helping.

Fall and Halloween decorations have been put away and the Christmas decorations have been brought out. Fall isn't over for me. But I decided to get out all of the winter/Christmas decorations for Skoora's Mom in effort to make her happy. I also wanted it done in one day so I wouldn't have a constant mess. That was yesterday. Today, I just need some help and the help sucks.

The happiest news I've received in a long time came today. My pseudo brother Lucas finally bought a ring for his girlfriend and proposed the right way. They want Skoora and I in their wedding as well. I am so excited for them!

My Dad and decided that we wanted to stay in the alliance we are in despite the old Alliance leader's jump to a new alliance. The old Alliance leader finally contacted me via facebook. I haven't replied yet. He also talked to me in game last night. I kept it short because I know he's just trying to get my guild to join his alliance. I just wish we could play where none of that crap mattered. Where alliance choices didn't matter.

I know this a disjointed and crappy update and I apologize, but I am just not feeling very good today.  

More procrastination...

Picture speaks for itself.

I'm supposed to be writing right now. Actually, I should have been writing hours ago but my Dad sent me a text and asked if I was going to e Guild Wars this evening. I decided then that I would just get on and play for a little bit then get on with my business. 

Dad and I did a faction run and then went to the Underworld and wouldn't ya know it, our old alliance leader sent me a message and when I responded, he didn't say a damned thing back to me. Instead he decided to chat with my Dad. Normally that wouldn't piss me off except that old Alliance leader has decided that the alliance we are in right now isn't a very good one. Apparently our alliance leader kicked a guild that the old Alliance leader has always had good relations with out. Which upset him and there's some other stuff to go with it but honestly, I just don't care about our alliance leader's issues with another guild. It's just none of my business. What pisses me off is that the old alliance leader consistently ignores the fact that I am the guild leader of my guild. He doesn't discuss things with me. I always hear about something from my Dad despite the fact that the old alliance leader can contact me on facebook, which I am on at least once a day. And it wouldn't even bother me so much if he hadn't tried to steal my Dad from my guild. But now he wants to jump ship on the alliance and go to another alliance but says he isn't going to go unless he can get both his guild and mine in. Whatever. My Dad and I haven't even decided if we are going with him or not. 

Dad and I don't like all this in game drama. When I get on GW I just want to play, not see or deal with other people's crap, and honestly, my Dad and I would like to be able to do other things besides faction run. I have titles I want to max out. I have areas I want to vanquish and I can't do that if I am always faction farming. Most importantly, I do not want to have to log on every day to faction farm. I have other things that I need and want to be doing. It's not that I don't want to play or think of faction farming as a chore or don't want to contribute, it's just that I am 29 years old and have a social life, live in a house with four people and three cats, and can't always be online every night and weekend. I get on when I can. *sigh* 

But yeah, I'm procrastinating and watching Criss Angle: Believe at the moment. I need to turn off the TV and get to work. I really want to get some head way and just really pound out the story. I have been procrastinating so bad I had to change my desktop background and the color scheme for the windows. I know, I am terrible. 

Heh heh heh, it's snowing! It puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the whip... I think?

A coat from Elle

I don't know where "It puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the whip", came from or if I am even quoting my friend right, but I thought it was semi appropriate for the time of year it's becoming. It's snowing again for this morning and at the moment it's not really sticking, but melting. I am, of course, happy to watch it fall although it is getting a bit colder faster than I expected it too. That's not really a problem for me except that I don't have a coat or even a jacket. In fact the only think I have is a tartan I for my Irish SCA garb for my Senior Project and a wrap around shawl-like-thing fro wal-mart. They will get me by, for now.

I've decided that I am going to make myself a coat instead of trying to find one that fits. I am fat and we don't have a lot of money so I am not going to order a coat from a catalog only to have send it back because it doesn't fit. On top of that I inherited my Dad's long arms and quite frankly, I am so tried of sleeves not fitting. Oh and did I mention that I am pear shaped and have a short torso on top of that? Yep, anything I buy has to fit me in the hips and then of course it's too big for my shoulders. Not even my boobs compensate. Yes, I want to make myself a coat that is tailored to fit me properly. I have a pattern but it needs to be expanded and Skoora's mom told me she knows how to do that sort of thing. Yay for me. However, I have a sneaky suspicion that it's going to take holding a figurative gun to her head to make sure she hold up her end of the deal. She knows all she had to so is show me how to do something or explain it to me and I will do it. That's what we did when making my skirts for my Halloween costume.

The coat above is what I am hoping to make, but because of my shape, I'm thinking about making the coat fitted to my waist and then bell it out from there. Not too much mind you. And I might make it have a steampunk flare.

Yesterday was a cooking day and oh boy was it! I think we started around 1 in the afternoon and didn't finish until after 9 or 10 pm. Needless to say we have some food for awhile and I can still make a roast and also chicken enchilada soup. Of course it took us so long to do make everything because most of what we made had to be baked and Kaiser rolls take up to  two hours to make and bake and Bierocks take about the same. I also made breakfast burritos and those about an hour or so. Add in that I have a bad back and had to sit in an office chair in the kitchen to cut cabbage (I ended up getting some on the floor much to my annoyance), and that I had to make dinner during all of this too, and it took awhile. But despite the pain it was fun. Skoora and I pretty much got flour everywhere. We are going to need to mop the kitchen floor to get all of it up.

Of course I am paying for working in the kitchen yesterday, today. I hurt so bad, even with taking medicine and sitting with the heating pad. I'm not going to be doing much of anything today. But I have edited some pictures that were on my camera and managed to get dressed. I have to put away some laundry, the easy stuff that goes in the dresser, and get the dirty stuff that's in the hall into the laundry bucket (when I get the clean stuff out). I'm kind of procrastinating. Yoda is curled up next to me and I just don't feel like moving. I just want to spend the day writing and cuddling my kitties. I doubt that's going to happen though, especially since I need to get up and move.

Today is a cooking and fight with the cat's day.

This is a Bitstrip picture I made for Skoora and I today.

Today is cooking day. No we really aren't going to add dog farts, cat hair or pickled fairy dust to our food or are we? Anyway, I'm taking a break for the moment. I've got sausage cooking on low and we have a double batch of Kaiser rolls in the first 'let rise' stage. We'll punch them down and let them rise again in a little while. Skoora is helping me out because my back and head both hurt pretty bad today. She's cutting up two green bell peppers and a large onion for the breakfast burritos. I've taken my pain meds but they never really take all the pain away and I am okay with that, so long as they take the edge off enough for me to focus and do other things.

We've been fighting with the cats today. They want whatever we are eating when we are eating it no matter what. But they aren't allowed to have our food anymore. We've got one diabetic kitty we don't need three. Oh and I've had to fight Ellie for my chair several times. She's such a punk and jumps right back up the minute I get up.

I hooked my laptop up to the TV via the HDMI cable so we wouldn't have to have my computer in the kitchen to read the Kaiser and Bierock's dough recipes. I know I should just print them off, but I don't have any ink in my printer... But I have Pandora running in the background and decided I wanted to hear a little Abney Park while we cook today. So far so good, I've liked most of what has played on this station.

I think part of the reason I have a headache is because of lack of sleep. I didn't sleep so well last night but hey, at least I was able to see the snow fall for a little while. I love snow but no one else seems to like it very much. Sadly it melted before I woke up this morning, it's still a little too warm during the day for it to stay. I might have said something about this before but I've been keeping track of my sleeping patterns and it seems that I have the most trouble sleeping during the New Moon. I also sleep like the dead during the full moon.

Yoda is yowling for me to come find him and pet him. *sigh* He's so bossy!

Last night was a really good night. I finally got to have Skoora all to myself. Sure, I live with her and she's been my girlfriend for the last six years. We spend time together but most of that time is taken up with each of us reading or writing (in the same room yes), or out running errands. Typically one of us is on the phone with a friend or relative, Skoora often gets lots of texts, and I don't really fuss or demand time with her 'completely alone' because she works and is in the middle of an MFA program. We also live with her parents for the time being so that makes it hard.

So last night, when we were in bed and the phone didn't buzz with a text, or ring, and the computers and TV were shut off (we didn't even have music playing), I was actually able to enjoy her company and converse on a lot of things. We talked about politics and national news station and how ridiculous we find them and the people who get all bent out of shape about what news station is saying what and how. We talked about our friend's politics and how they compared or were different from our own, we talked about our friends (nothing bad just how people are doing), and we talked about writing. We discussed hers and mine, certain ideas and so forth. Like I said it was really nice and I would like more of that more often but it will happen when it happens.

Well, it's time for me to get back to cooking.

Tap tap tap, these nails are getting in the way!

I snagged this picture from facebook.

Today is the start of National Novel Writer's Month and yes, I did Camp NanoWriMo this summer, and was going to opt out of doing the November round, but a friend of mine asked to be my buddy. So, here I am doing NaNoWriMo again this year. It's my hope that in doing it again I can knock myself out of the 'hyper editing' funk that I have been in and just get the damned story out. I can go back and edit the hell out of it later. 

I do have to get a grocery list made but after that and writing this blog post, it's time to pick up where I left off with Chloe. Grr, I have a feeling that I am going to get really frustrated though. It's the fake nails that I put on for Halloween. They are getting in the way and sometimes slip off the keys. Not fun. Oh well. Here I go!

Happy Halloween/ Samhain!

I used to have this decoration when I was little. 

Happy Halloween/ Samhain to everyone! I hope that you all have a safe and fabulous night tonight. We aren't doing much this evening. Last year we had two trick or treaters so we aren't expecting anyone to show up at our door tonight. If we buy candy it'll just be for us.

I am going to make tater-tot casserole with some vegetables for dinner and for dessert I'm making a pumpkin cake. After dinner we are going to watch a few movies and a little more of Hemlock Grove on Netflix. Really it's just going to be an evening to relax before Nation Novel Writer's Month kicks off and that will happen at midnight. Oh maybe instead of candy we should get coffee creamer that way I can stay awake. LOL.     

The cats would tell you that they are starving.

I think if my cats had the ability to actually get on the computer or use the telephone they would tell the whole world that Skoora and I are starving them. All three of them hate the new feeding schedule. For starving cats they certainly don't eat that much when we put out their food in the morning and in the evening and if that wasn't annoying enough, they all want to eat out of each other's bowls. Galen and Ellie can't eat Yoda's food because its for diabetic kitties. Yoda can't have their food because its regular cat food.
And since none of them really eat that much they spend all day staring at me, bitching at me (yes, they really do bitch at me), and they follow me around the house, making sure to get underfoot, which is dangerous. If I lose my balance and fall not only is it going to hurt me but it might hurt them. But they are SO hungry! They are just going to have to learn to eat at meal times and not be grazers any more.

It dawned on me complete with exhausting, painful cramps why I have been so very tired the last couple of days. As much as I'm fighting to stay awake, as much as I wanted to get a few things done this afternoon, I'm going to postpone them for a few hours so I can rest and then try to tackle them when I wake up.

Also, I started reading the The Bartimaeus Trilogy at Skoora's insistence. She just kept going on and on about how good it was and wanted to tell me things but couldn't tell me much because I'd promised to read it. So, here I am, finally reading it.   

Good grief!

My sweet Yoda-Chan

It is safe to say that it's been a really hard week. I've had some new things come up, received some really depressing news, and thought over some of the things that have happened recently.

First up, we finally were able to get Yoda-Chan to the vet. We had to take out a loan to do so but as it turned out the loan wasn't even going to begin to cover the bill. So we had to apply for a Care Credit card. We were declined and had to have Skoora's mother apply. She was approved and because she applied for us she managed to finagle more money out of Skoora. That's a topic for a later time and as angry as I am about it, I don't really get to complain since if she hadn't we wouldn't have been able to pay the bill for my cat.

The diagnosis for my sweet old baby is that he's diabetic. Thankfully, we got him in early enough and the diabetic can be managed with an extremely strict diet and insulin. We were even lucky enough that the vet gave us a bottle of insulin that someone had donated. We are putting the other cats on Yoda's feeding scheduled much to their chagrin but they can get over it.

Speaking of medicine, after a long time of negotiating which meds I could get when due to finances, I was finally able to get all of them! I don't take that many but we have been so broke. So I took them this morning and after we picked Yoda up from the vet, I took a nap. I slept longer than I wanted to and haven't really accomplished much. I did manage to get dinner cooked a few minutes ago. Other than that I've been searching for crochet patterns so I can make some Christmas Gifts. Well, that and some paper crafts. Oh and I'm drinking Cranberry Pomegranate juice in the hopes that I can fix a potential bladder infection. I don't know if it's going to work because of the pomegranate, but I thought it was worth a shot. When I was checking the sugar on the juice bottles, I was surprised to see how many grams are in one serving size. One glass of juice is the equivalent of a whole meal.

Some of the bad news I received, on the same day that I learned that Yoda is diabetic, was that my cousin's diabetes is now affecting her kidneys. So far she doesn't need dialysis but if she doesn't get her act together she will. It was really hard to hear, we are only seven months apart in age, she's like a sister and for someone who doesn't have any living siblings (Mom had trouble carrying babies to term and even I was a month early), that's a big deal. Anyway, my cousin can only do so much, at least food wise, because she's even more financially strapped than we are. Food stamps aren't an option for her. But that's not the only problem, her mother, my aunt, has gone off the deep end and is a monster. But again, that's a topic for another post. In the end, my cousin will either have a heart attack, or stop taking her insulin, or just out right commit suicide.

Another piece of bad news I've received this week was that I have borderline personality disorder. I don't want to talk about who or how I received this news, and will only say that it wasn't from my therapist. I felt kind of blindsided actually. No one has ever told me. I've only ever known the social phobia, anxiety, and severe depression, which I've been trying to manage through therapy and medication for the last ten years. No, I haven't been completely successful, especially in the last couple of years since I've had chronic pain, but I've done my best. I'm certainly bouncing back and forth between accepting it and denying it.

My family plays a big part in that process. Grandma, though I love her dearly, likes to sweep all the ugly stuff under the rug for no one to see. My Dad's sister, looks down on my parents, on me, on my Mom's side of the family, she and her husband have been vicious to my parents and caused fights at Grandma's house. They don't like us for a variety of reasons, one of which is different political views (by the way my parent never talk about politics at Grandma's house out of respect for her). My Dad's sister's family sees themselves as the perfect middle class american family with no problems what so ever. Trust me they aren't perfect. Hell, my Aunt can't understand how I can sit for several hours and read a book instead of going shopping. Reading is more fun than shopping, it makes me happy, shopping depresses me and people get to close to me. It's not that hard to figure out.

So at the end of the day, I'm not sure what to think or how to feel. Either way, I know I've been avoiding it most of the time.

On the subject of Guild Wars, I'm just not happy with playing anymore. I enjoy playing with my Dad and playing by myself, that much I know for sure. But some 'in game' drama has really turned me off. I've had several instances where I have been annoyed with the alliance leader, Paul. Not long ago he asked one of his guild mates to leave and we took her into our guild so she could still be part of the alliance. She was only with us for a week and left with no notice to me or my Dad and is somehow back in Paul's guild. At first I just didn't care. Dad was sick and I'd had company over for several days and it would have been rude of me to get on and play with guests in the house. I told her that. But after thinking about it and seeing how a lot of other people have been playing, I wonder if maybe Paul sent her over to spy on us. There's nothing to spy on though. We don't gossip, we don't talk shit on others, and if we are on, we are on and if we are off, we are off. I haven't asked Paul if that was what was going on or not.

Then Paul decided that he was going to disband the alliance. Not only did he not tell me this, and there is no reason for him not to have since I am my guild's leader and he and I are friends on facebook, but he tried to recruit my Dad from my guild. Oh he said my Dad could come with his other account so he could use his main account with me, but still. That's really shitty. But what really pisses me off is that for all of his schpeals about loyalty and honor and my guild and his guild sticking together forever, I think if I hadn't been on, he wouldn't have invited my guild to go with his to a new alliance. I don't think he really wanted me around at all. I'm not a hard core player. I don't get on every night and weekend to play. And frankly I shouldn't have too. I have other things going on and when he was alliance leader, most of what we did was faction farm. Also, I didn't like the way he'd taunt some of the other players in the game, players he didn't like.

But I do like the new alliance for the most part. A lot of people are really nice and and this is where the blog ends for me tonight. Skoora's parents just came home and will want dinner and on top of that, they won't stop talking. *sigh*

Vampires, Guild Wars Halloween, and Lana Del Rey

Love and Blood by Natsuki

I love this picture! Pretty Vampire, pretty boy, gothic setting, and a violin! In my 'someday' living room, I think I will have to buy this picture for the gothic/vampire theme I want to do for Fall and Winter.

Lately, I've been reading a lot of Vampire books. Well, I read the Vampire Academy novels, and Skoora bought me a couple of other vampire novels. Don't worry, I don't read just vampire novels. I read paranormal romances about dragons and urban fantasy. I'm not a big Werewolf fan, don't know why really, they just aren't my cup of tea but I do have one Werewolf book, just to try it out and give them a shot. I do need to see what other people have written after all and explore the lore- just not get lost in it. I love to research things. I can spend several hours just looking up pointless stuff.

Fun fact about me, I can usually tell you who several, if not all of the voice actors are in the anime shows I watch. Even some in the original Japanese. I'm also really good with actors from Tv shows and films. And if I can't tell you their name, I can tell you what else they have been in. I'm like that with other stuff too and a dear friend of mine calls me her IMDB. But with the other stuff I usually remember what people were wearing last time I saw them, how they had their hair, what we talked about, and so forth. See, not all of it is useless. I suppose.

Anyway, I've been listing to a few songs on You Tube this morning. Lana Del Rey: Dark Paradise Is one that I've decided goes on the writing soundtrack for the book I am currently writing. Of course I have four in the works at the moment, but Chloe's story is the one that's insisting to be written at the moment so I'm complying. But since I was depressed I wanted a 'pick me up' song so I listened to SMP Film's The Ninja Song. My friends are probably tired of me posting the crap out of this song, but I don't care, I love it! I adore Cory and his fiance Kate. They both have VLOG's and videos over on You tube. In case you're interested, it's SMP Films, Dude like hella, and Kater's17. Oh and don't forget The Mean Kitty!    

Guild Wars kicked off the Halloween festivities this week. I'm excited because for once, I finally have enough of a jump on it that I can actually get some quests done. Although, it's been a little difficult since not only has my back been hurting, but my legs and knees have been as well. I've been moving them, walking back and forth through the house. So far, I think maybe it was the chair I was sitting it. Which is a little strange since I sit in it frequently. I do think I pulled something in one of my knees though. It sucks but, what can you do? But anyway, yes, I will probably play a little guild wars today. Not for too long though, I have some other stuff I want to try to get accomplished today. 

Penumbral Lunar eclipse, books, and dark spots.

Vampire Academy book website

Yesterday I finished the Vampire Academy series. Loved it!!! I especially liked the themes of the books, the parts where the characters talk about doing what's right, being honorable, and owing and taking responsibility for their actions. Yeah, there's that teenage angst and rich kids being snooty with excessive senses of entitlement, but there is also a lot of growth in the characters from book one to book six. I'm really excited to see what they do with the movie. Of course there is also the draw of a really gorgeous Russian actor named Danila Kozlovsky playing the part of Dimitri Belikov, too, but cute actor's aside, I really am looking forward to it. The movie comes out in 2014.

Side note: I've actually tried to find some of Danila Kozlovsky's movies online to watch, even tried to see if they were available for purchase and rent with English subtitles, but have come up empty so far. Since I haven't learned Russian yet the subs are pretty essential. I kind of hoped since a couple of his films seem to be big ( and look really good) enough in Russia, that they might be available here too.

Books and movies aside, tonight is the Penumbral Lunar Eclipse. I'm lucky enough to be in a part of the world that can see it. I should start being able to see the moon about 4:40 pm and the sun will set about 5:55 pm according to a site I... can't remember the name of. I'm going to take their world for it and start looking outside at 4:30 this afternoon. I am hoping that I will be able to get at least a decent picture of it.

As for me on a more personal level, I haven't been doing so well. Nothing's going on with Skoora, we're fine. It's other stuff and it's pretty serious but I don't want to talk about it at the moment. Well, I do, but I don't know that I am really ready to. I will leave it as that it is scary, really depressing, and I don't know how things are going to play out for me- that's actually the scary part. Oh hey! Blackmore's Night just started playing on Pandora. Cool!

I also haven't decided if I want to sign up for National Novel Writer's Month next month. I participated during the summer but since I don't know how things will turn out in the next few weeks, I'm a little hesitant. I don't know, maybe it will cheer me up a little or it could backfire. I also have Christmas Presents to make and those are going to take me some time... Hmm... Well, I'm not going to fuss with any of it right now.     

Government shut down? Really, Congress, really?

As I am sure the rest of the world along with nearly every American in the USA knows, our Government decided to shut down last night at Midnight. How lame. How pathetic. How inexcusable. No wonder the rest of the world laughs at Americans. No wonder they don't take us seriously. 

One of my friends from High School works for the government in some fashion and she is not only NOT getting paid right now but she is REQUIRED to go to work. Explain to me how the hell, in this country, that is even legal? Explain to me why the hell our politicians and president get their pay checks and benefits while my friend and others like her aren't. They aren't better than she is. They aren't better than any other American in this nation. More importantly they ARE NOT more ENTITLED than anyone else just because they are politicians. 

The worst part about this is Republicans and Democrats and even the President are all pointing fingers at each other, playing the blame game, refusing to take responsibility for their idiocy, their childish behavior, and complete and utter lack of respect for not only each other but most importantly the American people who hired them in the first place. And we hired them to do a fucking job, pass reasonable and intelligent laws and policies, and protect us from terrorism, not sit on their collective asses and scream at each other like bitchy, spoiled, snot-nosed teenagers. 

The fact of the matter is, they don't give a shit about the American people. They just want money, to be exempt from a health care plan that is was bad to begin with, and you know it's bad when they are offered and exemption from it, and they want to move this country out of the realm of democracy and into something very akin to Socialist and or Fascist State. Why? So that they have all the power and money to do whatever the fuck it is they want to do and no one can fuss about it. 

Frankly, I'm so sick and tired of this shit. I'm so sick and tired of politicians pushing to have more power, more invasions of privacy under the guise of 'we're just trying to protect you', more bitching about people having guns and always, always blaming on mental illness instead of recognizing that some people are just fucking EVIL, and most of all I am so sick and tired of them fueling the wildfires of a class war that they most likely planted the seeds of.  Things need to change and they need to change soon. Congress AND the President need to grow the fuck up, stop fighting, and come up with some damned compromises. There MUST be some give and take. 

Christians trying to stop a New Age Festival.

I came across an article posted by the Inland Empire Pagan Guild on Facebook about Christians Vs. Pagans. One of the reasons I departed from Christianity was the level of hypocrisy and this article, which I will post a link to in a few, is one of the reasons why. For a religion that claims to be kind, loving, and forgiving it sure is proving to be the opposite. I don't think of religion in terms of a 'thing' but rather it's people. Don't get me wrong, I know not all Christians are assholes just like I know not all Pagans are saints, but damn it, I haven't met a Pagan who uses their religion to abuse people like these Christians are doing. 

Battle of believers: Witches accused of bringing the devil to Wedderburn

Would it really be so bad to let these people have their festival? They aren't hurting anyone. They aren't trying to convert anyone. They just want to practice their beliefs and be left alone about it just like they leave the Christians alone to practice their beliefs. 

I just don't understand why it's so hard for people to leave others alone. Just because you believe something and your neighbor doesn't believe the same doesn't make them a bad person. You can share your beliefs with them but it is not your job to make sure that they change their minds or convert to your way of thinking. It also doesn't make them horrible or evil if they refuse either. And it certainly isn't your job to terrorize them or others who think and believe the way they do. If you do hurt, malign, or do any harm what so ever, then it is you who are the bad person, you who have become evil. Who would want to change to become like that?  

31 days until Halloween/ Samhain

It's 31 days until Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year. I love to decorate, to make costumes, do crafts, and to cook up treats and try to plan some sort of party or little get-together.

Last year we had Skoora's cousins come over. We carved pumpkins, played slender man via a computer hooked up to the TV, and we drove them out to the little patch of woods near our house to tell ghost stories. It was a lot of fun. I haven't a clue as to what we are doing this year but we will figure it out. Either way none of what we have done, dressed up as, or will do let alone make to eat is evil or demonic. Yes, I am a Neo-pagan Kitchen Witch, but that doesn't mean I am cooking up  'time-release' curses in the food I make. Frankly, I don't 'pray' over any food I make. I also don't howl at the moon or feast on blood. I don't participate or conduct orgies. And I don't know any Neo-Pagans who do any of aforementioned.

What the hell am I talking about? One of my friends on facebook came across an article written by an extremely narrow-minded and zealous Christian woman. Do not mistake me, I respect Christians, I used to be one and I have several Christian friends. My own Grandparents are members of Gideons. Grandpa used to be an Elder in the church. Christianity just wasn't for me. But this woman, this woman I can't respect. I won't respect. If she wants to stop celebrating Halloween that's fine, that's her right. The article itself is her right to free speech, but frankly, she's so entirely wrong on so many points and what bothers me the most is that she wrote it blindly. There's no way she even bothered to do any research. She just took her fanatical belief system and made up some bullshit and posted it.

Here is the article "Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?"       

*sigh* 

down with the sickness

 Everyone in the house, barring the cats, is sick. I think it's just a really bad cold. Skoora and I went to bed early so we could rest. She has a homework packet due in a few days and has been working 6 days straight with no one to cover her. Thankfully, she has today off to work on homework and rest.

We both awoke a little after 1 am, much to our joint annoyance. She was able to go back to sleep but I'm not that fortunate. I decided to look up some home remedies for colds and flu. I've found a couple that I am going to try and see if they work or at least help. If they do I will post them over on my craft blog. I might cross post it here too. And since I can't sleep, I might even get up, get dressed, and go to the store to get the stuff for soup and said remedies. I don't know whether getting canned soup or just making a huge pot of stew would be better. I might get the stuff for stew and potato soup.

On to other things. Yoda is getting a little perkier. He's been so needy the last two days as well. He yowls and meows for me. I had to go to the bathroom and he couldn't decided whether he wanted in or out so I pushed him out and shut the door, mostly so I could turn on the heater and warm up while doing my business. He sat outside the door and meowed at me. It was cute and pathetic. Right now he's curled up on the bed next to me sleeping.

A cold, American Horror Story, and Pissed off Kitty.

This morning Skoora and I finished watching the first season of American Horror Story. We both should have been doing other things but we're both sick thanks to her father. Not that it's really his fault, he didn't go out and get sick on purpose.

Anyway, it was an okay season. I didn't like Vivian. I felt bad for her but I didn't like her. I liked Adelaide and Violet and they were pretty much the only two redeemable characters in the entire show. The show was just sad, full of tragedy, and was pretty intense in some places.

Yoda-chan is really pissed at me again. At least this time it's not about me cutting the mats from his fur or washing the icky cat littler from his feet. Oh no, today he is pissed at me because we bought him some chew-able senior cat vitamins. He wouldn't eat them from my hand or off the floor and since he won't eat wet food, I decided to break out the medicine dropper. I ground his vitamin into powder, added a little water to make it liquid and then shot it down his throat. I gave him treats afterward, of course. But he's not happy with me. We are trying the vitamins to see if he will get to feeling better because he's eating and drinking and going to the bathroom just fine. If these don't work then it's off to the vet with him to see if they can figure out what's wrong.

Remember that blog post I wrote about having no hope? Well, I am still having little moments where I feel that down. Last night I wasn't feeling good and Skoora's Mom would not shut up. She kept talking through the show we were watching and didn't want to get up and get anything for herself. When she kept repeating 'I need a soda and the TV turner' over and over it grated on my nerves so bad that I just wanted to poke my head around the corner and scream at her to get of her lazy ass and get it herself. But I didn't. And when I was getting set up to play Guild Wars with my Dad, Skoora's dad tripped over my computer cord and ripped it out of the wall and both of them were talking and so I got my stuff and left the room. I just couldn't handle it. And I was upset about some other things that had happened earlier in the day, things like Skoora's mom zoning in on something Skoora bought for her friends and wanting to use it for her own devices. Really, this woman can only think of two things in life now that he grand kids are away from her and that is gambling/money and Christmas. It's disgusting. So disgusting I just want to have a black Christmas and make it as dark and depressing as she makes me feel all the time.

On to the point, I made the mistake of venting to my Dad last night, of telling him how bad it's gotten. I didn't want to tell him anything, he has so much that he's dealing with already that he doesn't need my problems on top of it. He did tell me that at any point that I can't stand it anymore, he'd get me and Skoora home, that there is always an out and he'd rather find the money to get us home rather than pay for my funeral. And of course he told my Mom so she called to talk to me this morning and now I feel like the worst child ever for saying anything at all. Skoora thinks I was right to tell them, that it's better that they know how I feel rather than hear about it later. I think it was a horrible mistake. Now both my parents are scared and upset and they were already worried to begin with.

But you know what the worst thing is? I thought I could talk to Skoora's Mom about these things so my parents would never have to know. I was so wrong. She doesn't give a shit. She and her husband just want me to clean and cook (which I've been doing to the best of my abilities since Skoora and I came to live with them two years ago) and they want me to go back to bio life and donate plasma and buy stuff for the house. I would do it if they would ask me, but I was told to.

I'm almost 30 years old. I can accept and let go of what I envisioned my life would be like when I was growing up. But this is not what I wanted. My Great Grandma Ireland used to say that it doesn't hurt you to want. I always tell people that sometimes you have to eat shit before you get to what you really want. Well, I've eaten enough shit, it's damned time I get to start eating cake.