For me, trying to force myself to be more positive for others and also to try and help myself, is just going to have to be filed into the 'impossible' cabinet for the moment. There are a lot of things going on in my life, inner turmoils and struggles that often get fed by outward situations and stimuli. Generally I'm pretty good at hiding but depending on certain factors, I fail miserably in the 'let's hide how I really feel so I don't upset or bother anyone else'. Why do I even care? Because I have friends that I would like to keep, that's why. Shouldn't my friend love me for all the parts that make me up? You'd think right? But for some reason, I have such a low self esteem and confidence level that prevents me from really getting comfortable around most people.
Point of fact, I am miserable 85% of the time. I feel like I am drowning in self loathing, anger, and pain and depression. I live with severe depression and anxiety Okay, I was treating that with medication and some therapy when I felt like things were starting to get really bad. But then I started having issue with my period. Either I went forever without one, or I was on it for months to a year and several times its been heavy enough that I've gone to the ER (let me tell you what a waste of time that is). I always get so horribly weak. Add a herniated disk and fibromyalgia to the list and things start getting from bad to worse. Frankly, if I wasn't so worried about upsetting and hurting my family, friends, and even my cats, I would kill myself. I have devised several plans, all that could easily be executed in a timely fashion and because I am considerate, have easy clean up as well. But don't worry, like I said, I'm not going to kill myself because it would hurt the people I care about.
I am very limited a lot of the time in some of things I can do. Some days it's a fight to get out of bed. I actually had to get a dry erase sticker to put on the door that I write a list of things I want or need to do to help motivate me. That in and of itself is depressing but it does help. But all of the physical problems just make the depression worse.
I was talking to my therapist the other day and she said it's like I don't want to be seen. She's right, I don't want to be seen. I am so utterly ashamed and embarrassed of myself. There are times I don't know why Skoora is still with me, why my family and friends still talk to me much less spend time with me. I can't work, I can't go to school, I can barely handle going shopping for groceries much less anything fun. I want to do things with friend but I get so exhausted and feel drained so quickly and easily and it doesn't help that my medicine makes me tried oh and I recently found out that some of my medicine makes my hair thin (I was wondering why there was more in my hairbrush than usual). And I just learned that I've gained more weight despite the 'in what can do' efforts to lose weight. And of course all of my medicine makes me gain weight too and has been for the last 12 years. And I am not going to go into anymore because it just gets even more sensitive.
But I keep trying and I keep telling myself that I am lucky, that I could have it a lot worse, and so on and so forth. Don't get me wrong, I am not ungrateful and I have a lot to be thankful for and I am thankful. Shit, I get very excited when someone remembers to say 'Happy Birthday' on my facebook wall on facebook, even if the little notification on the side told them it was my birthday.
In the end, I know it's easy for everyone to forget that I am in a lot of pain and dealing with things internally that are hard, but I work hard at having patience with others. So, I feel like others could and should show me the same consideration.