Tuesday, April 30, 2013

It's time for equivalent exchange folks

Every so often get fussy and complain about this or that. Sometimes I rant and I rave. I'm human and it's to be expected because no matter how hard someone tries, they can't be perfect or please everyone. Trust me, I know, it's impossible.

For me, trying to force myself to be more positive for others and also to try and help myself, is just going to have to be filed into the 'impossible' cabinet for the moment. There are a lot of things going on in my life, inner turmoils and struggles that often get fed by outward situations and stimuli.  Generally I'm pretty good at hiding but depending on certain factors, I fail miserably in the 'let's hide how I really feel so I don't upset or bother anyone else'. Why do I even care? Because I have friends that I would like to keep, that's why. Shouldn't my friend love me for all the parts that make me up? You'd think right? But for some reason, I have such a low self esteem and confidence level that prevents me from really getting comfortable around most people.

Point of fact, I am miserable 85% of the time. I feel like I am drowning in self loathing, anger, and pain and depression. I live with severe depression and anxiety  Okay, I was treating that with medication and some therapy when I felt like things were starting to get really bad. But then I started having issue with my period. Either I went forever without one, or I was on it for months to a year and several times its been heavy enough that I've gone to the ER (let me tell you what a waste of time that is).  I always get so horribly weak. Add a herniated disk and fibromyalgia to the list and things start getting from bad to worse. Frankly, if I wasn't so worried about upsetting and hurting my family, friends, and even my cats, I would kill myself. I have devised several plans, all that could easily be executed in a timely fashion and  because I am considerate, have easy clean up as well. But don't worry, like I said, I'm not going to kill myself because it would hurt the people I care about.

I am very limited a lot of the time in some of things I can do. Some days it's a fight to get out of bed. I actually had to get a dry erase sticker to put on the door that I write a list of things I want or need to do to help motivate me. That in and of itself is depressing but it does help. But all of the physical problems just make the depression worse.

I was talking to my therapist the other day and she said it's like I don't want to be seen. She's right, I don't want to be seen. I am so utterly ashamed and embarrassed of myself. There are times I don't know why Skoora is still with me, why my family and friends still talk to me much less spend time with me. I can't work, I can't go to school, I can barely handle going shopping for groceries much less anything fun. I want to do things with friend but I get so exhausted and feel drained so quickly and easily and it doesn't help that my medicine makes me tried oh and I recently found out that some of my medicine makes my hair thin (I was wondering why there was more in my hairbrush than usual). And I just learned that I've gained more weight despite the 'in what  can do' efforts to lose weight. And of course all of my medicine makes me gain weight too and has been for the last 12 years. And I am not going to go into anymore because it just gets even more sensitive.

But I keep trying and I keep telling myself that I am lucky, that I could have it a lot worse, and so on and so forth. Don't get me wrong, I am not ungrateful and I have a lot to be thankful for and I am thankful. Shit, I get  very excited when someone remembers to say 'Happy Birthday' on my facebook wall on facebook, even if the little notification on the side told them it was my birthday.

In the end, I know it's easy for everyone to forget that I am in a lot of pain and dealing with things internally that are hard, but I work hard at having patience with others. So, I feel like others could and should show me the same consideration.    

Saturday, April 20, 2013

In the words of Gru, "Not cool"

I just popped onto Guild Wars to see who was on, check to see if our alliance still held House Zu Heltzer, and to see where the territory lines are between the Kurzicks and the Luxons (which changes depending on how alliance battles go). The Luxon bastards are winning! RAWR!

This doesn't make me happy. This means that I will be spending my evening faction farming to keep my guild's faction points up over 1 million and in the Alliance Battles fighting to get our territory back instead of helping other guild members with quests and mission like I had planed. Or even doing some missions, quest, and elite skill hunting.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Hiccups, Migraines, Alliance Battles, and Dresses

I have had a terrible migraine today and it was bad enough that I actually went to lay down for a bit earlier today. I accidently took a nap and when I awoke, I had two cats sleeping next to me in the bed and my migraine was even worse. So, I decided that it was time to take some medicine.

It helped for a little while, long enough for me to get a dress I have been meaning to get sewn, sewn. But before too long, while I was eating dinner and trying to make up some an invitation for a friend's graduation party, my migraine started to kick my ass again. This is not good. I am supposed to be on Guild Wars tonight to participate in Alliance Battles.

To make matters that much more annoying, I also have the hiccups!

I suppose I am just going to have to take some more medicine, go lay down for a little while, and hope that I can play Guild wars a little later. 

Thursday, April 18, 2013


Holy crap! The last eight days have been almost a blur. We've hardly been home and now that I am home with no pressing places to be, I just want to take a nap with my kitties. I suspect the moment I finish doing a few things on the computer and actually lay down for a spell, all three of them will be up and awake. But that's just how things work.

We finally got a little money and Skoora got her new laptop. And because my screen was going out and is held together by gaffers tape, she got me a new laptop as well. We also took care of things like getting medicine, replacing the transmission hose in the jeep, and getting a few clothes as well as paying off some bills. We also got a few books most of which are for Skoora's classes. We even went and checked on an apartment for a friend. I really liked getting out of the house more and going places, I felt almost normal, but in return I found myself in a lot of pain. So much I wanted to throw up on numerous occasions. I tried to distract myself with lots of things, but, that doesn't really help.

But I am feeling a little better today. Which is good because I finally have the house completely to myself, no one is here to interrupt or bother me. Well, except the cats but like I said, they are having communal nap time.

Sometime later I will blog about the stupidity of Windows 8 and Microsoft 365, but I have stuff I need to do prior. Plus, I am working on ways around all of that nonsense. That and I can't remember what else I was planning to blog about on this blog today. Maybe I do need to take a nap. Damn it!

Monday, April 8, 2013

Teaching neutral

Off and on since I first started going to college I've noticed some really troubling things as far as education in this country goes. In fact, some of them are why I abandoned becoming a teacher myself.

One of those problems is the issue of politics. I keep seeing and hearing about parents outraged because kids are being taught to favor socialism, or liberal agendas are being heavily taught in school and pushed on to young impressionable minds. On the other hand some parents and even people who don't have children are pissed because there isn't enough of a liberal agenda being taught in schools. This ranges from colleges clear down to preschool.

PRESCHOOL! Really? Our education system has become very sick and very twisted. What are we turning into? One of Hitler's propaganda schools, dead set on brainwashing our kids? And what about the parent's wishes? What if the parent is conservative or liberal? What if the parents aren't either but independent? I'm sorry, most people send their kids to school to learn reading, writing, science, and math, not to color communist flags in class or have liberal or conservative agendas woven into their lessons.

School boards and teachers should be teaching neutral lessons, even when it comes to political classes. Their political bias or the school's or even the school board's political bias' should never ever enter a student's learning time. And if something comes up in class from the students, teachers should create a safe, neutral discussion zone, and make damned sure that the students know if they don't agree with each other, then that's okay. Then, teachers should encourage students to do their own research, learn on their own time outside of school, and most importantly, decide for themselves.

Also, no teacher should ever be pushed into teaching along the lines of a political agenda, ever! Nor should they risk losing their job because they refuse to teach that political agenda.

But then what the hell do I know? I'm just a girl from Kansas, I couldn't possibly know anything or have anything of value to bring a conversation much less any kind of intelligence. Ehm. Yeah. -.-

Friday, April 5, 2013

Taking Responsibility: Using Religion as a crutch.

I usually only talk about religion with people I am relatively close with. Or I have discussions with people I think will be calm, keep their head about them, and who might have a different perspective that is conducive to learning. I firmly believe that religion is a personal experience and journey and that it is one that you have to take yourself. If something doesn't feel right it is up to you and you alone to decide what does, whether it's converting to another religion, becoming simply spiritual, or believing in no religion at all. You are an adult and if you aren't an adult yet, you someday will be. There are decisions you have to make for yourself and certain personal responsibilities you'll have. 

Recently, with all the raving about whether or not gays should be allowed to marry, I've really taken note of just how two faced a few of my 'supposed' friend can be, but also how a lot of them are lacking in certain personal responsibilities. There is one friend in particular, we'll call her Millie, who not only lied to me, but uses her religion as a crutch for everyday life. 

How did she lie? She pretended that she supported my relationship with my girlfriend of almost six years. What she posted on facebook and wrote in her comments was awful and hurtful. I don't have anything against her posting what she wants on her facebook wall, it's her wall and her right. What upsets me is that she's lied to me consistently, pretended to be happy for me and supportive of my relationship and desire to marry all this time. I would have rather had her tell me straight up from the beginning her thoughts and feelings, her position on gay marriage  I would have accepted them and if she had still wanted to be friends, we might have been able to make a go of it. But, sadly, I had to remove her from my friends list and cut off all contact with her. 

And it wasn't just that she lied to me. I became so tried of getting on facebook and seeing tons of religious posts from her. At first I just ignored the pictures of this or that. But when she started commenting on the pictures, I was a little concerned for her. She isn't a happy person and seems to cycle between 'I love my husband, he's the best,' to 'why does everyone hate me,' and 'woe is me'. But the worst of it was when she start saying 'Why does God do this to me' or 'Why can't God just fix this' and so forth. 

I appreciate that she is religious, I respect her religion, and I respect her right to voice what ever options good or bad about her religion, God, and everything else. What I don't like, is that she seems to be relying on her religion to make her happy, to fix things for her, to govern her everyday life. 

There are a lot of people like her out there in the world. I would never call or think of them as being weak, just not getting the point. God can't fix you, God can't make things better for you, and God isn't going to tell you how to live your life day by day according to this situation or that. More importantly, God didn't make your life miserable, shit just happens sometimes.  Using your religion as that kind of a crutch isn't healthy. At some point you have to stop relying on it, realize these things, and take some responsibility for your actions, health, well being, and words, how you treat others, and make the kinds of decisions and take the steps you need to take to get what you need or want out of life. God isn't going to do it for you. He/She/They can't and won't.  

Mining in Mongolia and so much more.

Recently, when I was hanging out in the living room, I happened to see a news report on Mongolia. I kind of got excited because back in my middle school days, I'd done a report on Mongolia, and most of the time no one pays attention to other countries of the world unless they are causing a problem or doing something that other people don't like.

Well, not this time, per se. A mine is going to open up in the Gobi Dessert. Apparently things like coal and copper have been found and people are hurrying in to dig it out. On one hand, I am really excited. This will bring Mongolia further along the developing world stage, open their economy up more, and bring them more attention. On the other hand I am a bit sad. There are dinosaur bones in the Gobi Dessert, the people might lose a little of their rich culture, and here we go again digging into the earth for resources that can't be replaced or replaced easily.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a hard core environmentalist or even an environmentalist. I do believe there are things that we need to survive. I'm not perfect, I use things like energy, gas, and oil and sometimes take them for granted. Those are things that everyone uses, even the zealot tree huggers. Trust me there is something they are using that came from the planet whether they like it or not. If you've ever seen the movie Armageddon there is a scene at the beginning where Bruce Willis is launching golf balls off his oil rig at the people protesting drilling. Well, how do you think they got out to his rig? They used a boat and what does a boat take, gasoline.  How do you get gasoline. Oil. Kind of hypocritical huh? But then everyone is a bit of a hypocrite.

Anyway, all that aside, I can be excited for the Mongolian people and sad for the environment all I want but my opinion on the subject doesn't really matter. Why? Because I don't live there. It's not my country and there therefore it isn't really any of my business and I'm certainly not going to stick my nose into it and try to tell Mongolia what they can and cannot do.

Should we, as a species gather together to try and protect our planet? Sure. Are we? No. Frankly most people don't care. Which really kind of boggles my mind. We want to meddle in peoples affairs and stick our noses in their business, police them, tell them they have to do it this way or that way, but we can't take time to care about Pokey the Panda or how much shit we are dumping into the water supply.   

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Dark Ambient music to the rescue! Maybe.

"Dark ambient is a subgenre of Industrial music that features foreboding, ominous, or discordant overtones. Dark ambient has its roots in the 1970s, with the introduction of newer, smaller, and more affordable effects unitssynthesizer and sampling technology. Dark ambient is an unusually diverse genre, related to ambient music and noise, yet generally free from derivatives and connections to other genres or styles."

I am having one of those evenings. I'm very lethargic, don't really feel good hence the progression toward lethargy, and part of that has to do with the fact that I've been two days without my anti-depressants. So, in effort to cheer myself up and get interested in doing something, I am listening to my dark ambient station on LastFM. They play  a couple of my favorite bands: Arcana, Dead Can Dance, and Nox Arcana. All are good to write too and they also play some other bands that do more of the 'noise' songs off and on, which is good for when I just want something in the background and don't want to be distracted by more complex melodies and harmonies from some of the other stuff I listen too, as well as lyrics. It kind of depends on what I am writing, how agitated I am that day, and so forth. Settling down to do anything lately, is still a bit of a challenge. 

However, although I haven't managed to do much over the last couple of days, I have done something. I've started working on the Detangled Writer's blog as an administrator and I've managed to prepare drafts and upload the pictures for my craft blog. I really had planned to get my ass in gear and work on the craft posts as well as a couple post for this blog but one of my best friends from Kansas called me today. We spoke over the phone for two hours! I can't believe it! I hate talking on the phone (we can blame the nightmare call centers I've worked at for that), and I don't even talk to my Mother that long on the phone. Of course, I do talk to my Mom just about everyday. 

Any way, after I got off the phone I replied to some e-mails, made dinner, and watched a TV show with the Mom-in-law. Then the evening just kind of unraveled a little from there. As in, I realized why I've felt more depressed than usual the last couple of days. 

Also, I don't think I have mentioned it within my blog, but I quit smoking two months ago. I'm fine most of the time, but there are moments when I would really like one. I don't want a pack, just one. *sigh*  I know its healthier for me not to smoke but it was one of those things that I just really enjoyed. So I guess I am lamenting the loss of my icky habit a little.

But now I am on the phone again, this time with my cousin. So I am going stop blogging. :)