Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Almost finished, new anime, excited for break week

I'm going to start with the fun stuff first. My friend Birdy came over yesterday for a breakfast, tea, and Anime date. I made breakfast, we made our respective tea, and she showed me got me started on Sword Art Online. I'd heard good things about this anime, such as everyone I've talked to about seemed to like it a lot. As it turns out, I'm two or three episodes in and really like it too. The premise is a bunch of people who went out and bought a virtual reality system and the game Sword Art Online. Some of the people were beta testers and some are new but they all logged in for casual game play only to learn that they can't log out. I don't want to say too much more for fear of spoiling too much. It's kind of dark but it's really good. 

I am almost finished with this term of school, I'm in my finals week. Apparently in my wellness class, the recording tool of choice for my PowerPoint presentation isn't really of choice. I sued screencast o matic, I think that's what its called. Anyway, because it wasn't embedded in the presentation, it was wrong so I have to do it over again. Lovely. so I will be doing that later today and right after, recording the final presentation and turning both in. Then I get to research the apa format for writing an outline, because apparently I missed that it was supposed to be in apa format and so it was wrong too. Easy fixes, but damn they are time consuming. That's all for my wellness class.

For my Advanced Creative Writing class, I have a 680 point reflection essay due this week without a page limit or word count listed- which makes me nervous as hell. So I'm going to have to shoot my instructor a message. I also have to edit my final draft of my short story. I couldn't seem to write it last week but managed to get it done last night. I was ready to cry when I went to bed last night. I hate it. I haven't looked at it yet today, but I'm pretty sure I will still hate it. I don't like the removal of one of the characters. It was actually more draining to write this draft than any of the previous drafts. You know what, no matter how solid my instructor thinks the story is, I just hate it as a short story. I need it to be a novel. It's going to be a novel. It has to be a novel! 

I'm really excited for my break week to come. I have plans to sew, to cook and clean, to read and to write, and get out of the house for a little bit. Most of all, I have plans to relax. I don't know how much relaxing will get done, but I am hopeful for at least a little. 

Sunday, May 29, 2016

To bed or not to bed, shopping and food prep extravaganza, cute cat

At the moment I am trying to decide if I should just go to bed, get up really early with Amanda, and work on my homework. Or if I should stay up and work on it now and then sleep a little tomorrow during the day... 

Yesterday, I napped most of the day. I suppose I needed to because I couldn't really stay awake. Later in afternoon, I took my friend Chris to Spirit Lake, Id, so she could check out a car since hers is dead. the car didn't work out and we saw the most awesomely ghetto Jerry rigged thing ever. Some folks were trying to put up a satellite dish and raise it really high to catch signal over the trees. So they had a ladder secured with bungee cords to a pallet which was somehow being secured and lifted by a tractor. Not safe by a long shot, but hey, they were getting the dish up, so whatever works right?

Today was exhausting, but worth it. I woke up, called Chris to see if she still wanted to go to the grocery store, and then made a meal plan for the next two weeks, and a grocery list from that. With Amanda in tow, we hit the Dollar Tree, WinCo, and Wal-Mart. Honestly, by the time I was done with Wal-Mart, I was hurting and so exhausted. But we got Chris home and came home ourselves. That's where the real fun began. If you can call it that. 

I spent the next couple of hours working in the kitchen while Amanda planted some more stuff in our garden. I did the dishes. I rearranged the freezer and got rid of stuff that we just aren't going to use and didn't have room for. I did some meal prep for the next two weeks, cutting up veggies and meat for curry, stir fry, and so on. I also cut up some strawberries so I can make this strawberry rhubarb dessert my Grandma makes. I also took all of the older oranges from our last shopping trip, squeezed them, and put the juice in a bottle I'd saved. I knew it had a purpose! After that, Amanda cut up some chicken and onions for more meal prep while I made spaghetti. She also worked on the laundry. She also peeled the new batch of oranges for me and we sectioned those and put them in Ziploc bags for the fridge. 

Honestly, by the time we finished eating dinner, I was in so much pain I could have cried. Amanda was in a lot of pain as well, she's got something going on with her heel. We took some medicine though and are feeling a little better. It probably doesn't help that we both got a little sunburned today while looking at herbs and flowers.  

Now, we're both half naked, lazing on the sofa. She's working on a Sudoku and a Cross word from the Buy and Sell paper she picked up from who knows where. I'm writing this blog and am very ready for bed. Even Narcisa is tuckered out.

Speaking of, Narcisa apparently likes parsley. I bought some in bulk (dried) today. It was on the counter and she jumped up to eat her food. But she found the parsley and tried to eat that instead. I've put it in safe place. She's been running all over the house, jumped up and down at the patio doors, and climbed the screen a couple of times. On top of that, she's been up and down her cat tree and chased her tail several times. But she is happy today because she had a little treat.

The verdict is to bed. I can get up early tomorrow and get some writing done on my assignment before Birdy comes over and I can finish it after she leaves. I on'y have to rewrite the whole damned thing, but it won't be too bad. 

Friday, May 27, 2016

New Doctor, cosplay plans, Possible Grad School, Narcisa is a brat!

The picture above is of Rin Tohsaka from Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works. This is the costume I will be making for Kuro Neko Con. My plan is to make the skirt longer so I can wear some shorts or leggings underneath. It;s going to be the end of July since I am going to have to wear a wig, the fabric is going to have to be light and breathable. Amanda thinks I should go with a light knit so it has some give. I think she might just be right, but I also need it to look like it is supposed to. I will be consulting the ladies at Joann's sometime next month so I will get their opinion. I also don't think I am going to have to make all of it myself. I'm pretty sure I can find a white button down blouse somewhere and add the red accents on the collar and cuffs myself. I am pretty excited about it. I am also going to be working on Amanda's cosplay costume. I think she's settled on who she wants to cosplay but I am not totally sure. 

I went to my new doctor yesterday. The office is small and I was the only person there, which gave it a more personal feel. I like both the nurse and the doctor, they are both very nice and kind people. The doctor spent half an hour just reading through my medical records and even made notes. She is sending me to a female gyn specialist to take care of my PCOS, that was the first thing out of her mouth after she said hello. The very second thing she wanted to talk about was sending me to counseling. She doesn't think depression medication alone is 100% effective and honestly, I have to agree with her because for months I've felt like I needed to be in therapy again. She was concerned about my xanax prescription, nearly every doctor I have been to very wary of xanax because of its addictive properties. I told her I only take it when I am having a really bad panic attack I can't get myself out of. Those don't come that often. She said that was good, but she'd like to get me to a point where I no longer have to take it. She also told me that people with fibromyaligia need at least 9 hours of sleep at night. Opps, don't always get that. I tend to get between 6-9. She said getting on steady sleep schedule of 9 hours of sleep at night will make me feel better. 

Next up she is ordering a full panel of blood work. She wants to know everything so she has a better idea of what she's working with. Sounds good to me. Then she did, I think, a physical- it has been so long since I have had one. She said that I was basically a healthy person except, here it comes, all the weight, which brings me to the next part of the visit. She did not lecture me about being fat. She's been overweight herself. But she did tell me that she really wants to help me lose the weight because she is tried of seeing her patients' health deteriorate over time when it could be helped and she hates to see them die when again, it could have been helped. I really don't think she was bullshitting me, there was genuine concern and given that she'd already spent an hour going over the blood work and the reasons why, why she was sending me to the councilor and also the gyn specialist, I was okay with listening to her for another half hour or so about the weight stuff. 

She wants me to lose the weight fast and suggested me trying something that she and her nurse have been trying. It is the hcg diet. I was a little concerned when she said that you can't exercise on this diet and something about 500 calories, and can't eat any starches like pasta, rice, bread, and potatoes. She told me that the information is available online, I can look at. She's going to have more information for me next week and under no circumstances would I be starting this diet until my pcos issues are cleared up because she wants to monitor everything closely. 

Okay, I don't mind trying new things. I don't mind eating smaller portions or eating healthier. I do mind not being able to have salt and seasonings on my food. I get that food is for nutritional value, but I enjoy cooking so much. To me, it's like telling me that I am no longer allowed to do something that I love. So, a little freaked out about that, I'm not going to lie, I was freaking out a little. I came home and had cornbread, mac and cheese with hot dogs for dinner and I had seconds. This morning I spent some time researching the hcg diet and don't think it is something I am comfortable doing. It is not FDA approved, not that I generally put a lot of stock in what the FDA says, but there are also a lot of risks, one of those being blood clots. I read through two or three websites that listed the same dangers and possible side affects, that I decided I would come up with a counter offer for her. I know that sounds weird but doing a diet that doesn't allow exercise and as one site listed, doesn't allow certain body lotions and such, is too.

So, I propose cutting my portions down, lowering my carb intake, and starting a workout regimen. I'm sorry, call me vain, but I am not going to lose weight to look terrible and not have the money to remove excess skin. Instead I would rather lose weight slowly, build muscle, and tone down the flab as much as I can. I also don't want to lose a massive amount of weight. I felt the best in a size 14-16 pair of jeans. That's where I would like to be. I don't need to be super skinny, just healthy. That's all I have ever wanted. Anyway, I won't have to wait until the PCOS issue is fixed, I can start next week on Monday. 

Moving on, I have been planning to go to grad school after I take a break to decompress and recharge after I graduate. I was planing on the rest of the year. I had thought to just go through SNHU but I'm not sure their program is the one I really want or need. So I have been looking online for some alternative in the area. I think I found one at a College 30 minutes from here. I can't remember the name but I remember the city its in. I am going to look at their requirements more in depth later. 

Lastly, Narcisa is being such a brat today! She wanted to play so I was playing with her this morning before I took Amanda to the park and ride. Her idea of playing today was to bite me over and over again, not hard, and certainly not hard enough to break skin. Oh and rabbit kicking me with her pack paws. Since she seemed to think that was acceptable play, I bit her back. Not hard, but boy did that weird her out. It was that whole "mom, you're not supposed to bite me, I'm supposed to bite you" look. Ugh! she's curled up on my bed at the moment, too lazy to come out and see me. That's okay, I am going to take a nap for an hour or two and then get up and get busy. 

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Eye doctors, new regular doctor meeting, and parents.

I got up at 5 am this morning. I needed the car (yes,the jeep is still broken and will be for a little bit longer) today so I had to take Amanda to the park and ride so she could get on the bus that takes her to work. It was kind of slow morning full of stiffness, aches, and almost zombie-ish movement. I still managed to get going. 

After we got gas for the car and I dropped amanda off, I went over to my eye doctor's office to have my glasses checked. I've had some headaches, which are normal, but the eye twitching and some blurriness are not. Well, they checked the glasses and they all match my prescription. So I figure maybe I just need a little more time to adjust to them, apparently my astigmatism is worse- I kind of already knew that- and so things have to be just so. But that's not what upset me. It was the woman's attitude. She was not happy that I took my prescription and ordered glasses online. Well excuse me for doing so. That's what I could afford and she can get off her high horse. I don't know what it is with the women in that office, but I don't just don't like them. They are so rude. I thought that maybe I was putting off some vibe, I'm not exactly the most pleasant person in the morning but I wasn't the least bit confrontational, bitchy, or even upset when it went in. I was actually feeling pretty upbeat and pleasant. Not so much after dealing with them.
 When it is time to get glasses again, I think I will go somewhere else.
 I called my friend Felicia while on my way to Starbucks after I left the eye doctor's office. I had to find some place to go until the library opened that was close. Felicia is not doing well, In fact things are really bad for her and her family. Worse, there could be some dangerous complications for her baby so her doctor is going to monitor it closely but she will probably have to have a C-Section. 

After I got off the phone with her, I called my Mom because she didn't call me back last night after I had talked her earlier yesterday. Things for my parents are not going well. Unfortunately I can understand both their positions. My Dad is so fucking depressed that he is having trouble getting out of bed. My Mom is in so much pain and that damned jerking crap her body does is really taking its toll. She told me that she keeps dislocating her shoulder. She's getting testy with my Dad and they are both pretty depressed. There is a lot more going on and my both my parents have told me some stuff that's pretty upsetting. 

I have told my Dad that I have an extra room if they need it. I told him we could get a storage unit to put their stuff in and they could stay with us until he got a job up here and a place of their own. Knowing my parents, they wouldn't stay with us for very long. I am even willing to pay a pet deposit for my sister-dog, Kali. On top of that they could enroll in health insurance through the state and get it basically for free. I could take my Mom down to DSHS and see what they can do to help her with the disability crap. My mother is talking about getting a job. Not in her condition. No one is going to want to be liable for someone who has seizure like activity, chronic debilitating migraines, and can't hear well enough in a crowded room. More importantly, she's not supposed to be lifting the dog let alone laundry baskets. No, employers will look at her and then throw her application in the trash. And how the heck is she going to find a job if my Dad can't and he does have a college degree and 30 years of corrections experience under his belt?! I mean this shit is getting unreal!

Both of my parents need to get out of their own heads. I can see them both cycling through shit and their thoughts just keep spiraling downward. Not that I am any better, but I have been where my Dad is at and it is not a good place.  

The good news is that Uncle Craig is home from the hospital and seems okay.

*sigh* Can good, positive things start happening for my family and friends yet? 

Well, I am off to have my first appointment with my new doctor. I am hoping that goes well. 

Monday, May 23, 2016

An eventful morning, one pair of glasses, and story critiques.

Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade works characters Archer and Rin tohsaka

Okay, I found another anime that I am in LOVE with and it is called Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works. I've had it in my Netflix queue for awhile and just decided last week that I was going to watch it. It is wonderful! It's also a little dark and heavy, which I love. I really want to see the other Fate/Stay anime and see if I can't find books and what not. 

Moving on, one pair of my glasses, the black frame cat-eye ones that I really love, aren't really working out. I think maybe the prescription is a little off and that they are a tad too tight. So, I may have to send them back to get readjusted. *sigh*

This morning has been eventful. I woke up really cold, got up to go to the bathroom, and had just settled back in bed when my phone rang. Poor Amanda was sick at work and needed to be picked up. Since the jeep is still not fixed and she took the car to the park and ride this morning, I had to call a friend to take me to get the car. From there, I got Amanda, of course. There's been some roadwork the way I normally take to get home, so I automatically went the way I've had to take to get home, only some asshat was riding my ass far too close and distracted me just enough that I turned up Stevens instead of where I usually do. So finding my way to the highway again was a short adventure. Of course, not before some other asshat decided his shiny SUV deserved to take up the whole road and nearly run me off of it. Bastard.  Then, I passed my bank where I needed to make a deposit, had to turn around and go back. That was obnoxious, but at least the drivers were better.

So now we are home, Amanda is asleep on the sofa next to me, snoring terribly. She'd been kicking me in her sleep a lot lately, so I told her if she does today, she will be sent back to bed. I have some chicken and broth slowing cooking in the crock pot to make soup later.  

I discovered that the author I wrote about in my previous post did not leave the book off in a cliff hanger, instead it was a teaser from the previous book. Leave it to me to get confused, then again why would a publisher put a teaser from the book prior in the series at the end of the series?

Okay on to the story critiques for my short story in my writing class. I like feed back as long as it is constructive. However, one of my fellow students seemed to get a little snippy in her critique of my story concerning page length. Uh huh. I don't think that special permission needed to be granted and if the instructor had had an issue with my page length, she would have said something in her critique. If anything, the instructor wants me to add a few more scenes. There were a couple of other things that she and another student commented on, like the glazed over death of a character I had to do to focus on the death of another. *sigh* Yes, I know, I am not happy about it either but I can't put everything everyone wants within 20 pages, not for it to make sense and flow smoothly anyway. Which is why I am going to tear the story apart and make it into something longer after the class is over. I just want to say, quit bitching.

Now for one of my critiques. I have been following another classmate's story since the beginning of the class. Last night I remembered why her story frustrated the crap out of me. Her writing. I sat reading with my hand over my face through most of the story and there were a couple of parts that I actually laughed because no, just no, no, no, no, no, that's not how that works! Her story idea is really good and she did fix some stuff from the previous draft, so I know that she is paying attention to critiques. I also know that in the beginning I wrote like she writes, which gives me an indication that she might be just starting out with writing, but this is the last creative writing class before graduation. You can't take this one unless you have taken all the others. What was her writing like before? Has she improved along the way or not? I'm not trying to be mean, I just want her to be successful and at the moment, unless she self publishes, she's going to have a lot of work ahead of her to get where she wants to be. I would really like to see this story published someday. I think she could make a whole novel out of it, if not a series. There's enough foreshadowing to allude that there is a great deal more. 

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Trying out the new glasses, finally, tired, harassed by the cat.

I'm tired today. I hurt too, but that's pretty typical. I don't want or feel up to doing anything except laying on the sofa as still as possible with my eyes closed, listening to music. I would love to read a book or watch a movie or anime, or tv series for a few hours, but I am tired and know I'd only fall asleep. Also, I tend to feel guilty when I'm not being very productive, especially when the house needs cleaned and I have homework yet to do. I haven't even managed to get dressed, I am so lame. 

Narcsia is not happy with me. I am wearing a t shirt that doesn't have a v neckline or scooped neck line so she can't really lick me like she wants. Yes, my cat likes to lick me- kind of like some cats suck on wool, blankets, and clothing. So she tried to lick and eat my hair, but I wouldn't  let her do that either. So in a rare moment, because she was desperate, I got to hold her for more than five minutes while she licked my arm. *sigh* After that, she insisted on play fighting for a few minutes before scampering off to her cat tree in the kitchen to chase her tail around the post. 

Aside from that, I really need to eat something besides a bite of brownie and drink some water. I've managed to let myself swell up again. One of the "wellness" apps I downloaded to my phone was a water reminder. Lately, I've had the worst time remembering to drink anything. anyway, the app has you put in your weight and then it tells you how much water you should be drinking. I should be drinking 85 fluid ounces a day. So I believe that's four of my big water bottles a day. You can count coffee and tea as part of your water intake, but the amount of water from that is reduced a little. Since I know how much I should be drinking, I decided to remove the app from my phone because it was taking up space. That and I never set the damned reminders up.

Lastly, I'm trying out my new glasses. I waited because I didn't want to deal with a potential headache while trying to write that 20-25 page story for class. So far so good, no headache, but my eyes are watering a little. I figure they will stop when I am used to the new prescription.

Oh wait, there was something else. I am reading the last book in the Night Huntress Series by Jeaniene Frost. I love these books, I love the characters. I swear Bones was partially modeled off of Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which I have no problems with. But, I happened to pick the book up one day when I was trying to figure out which one was going to be next in the reading order after it- you know because sometimes authors put a teaser for the next book in the back. BIG MISTAKE! I happened to see something that looks like the author leaves the end of the series in a big cliff hanger and that's just not right! Checked online, this is the last book in the Night Huntress series but she has a spin off series called The Night Prince (which I. FUCKING. LOVE!).

Okay the covers suck, but it's Vlad and he's awesome!
 But what baffles me is how the hell is what seems to be happening at the end of this one going to be resolved in the Night Prince series when two if the Night Prince books take place during what's going on in Night Huntress? It's driving me nuts and I wish I could ignore my homework for a couple more days so I could read and figure it out, but no, I have to be responsible, I have to adult and do school and clean my house. In the words of Slyvester the cat from Talking Kitty over on youtube "Faaaaaack!" 

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Cue fantastical celebratory music and Narcisa is not too happy with me

Narcisa isn't happy with me. She doesn't like that I've stayed up two nights in a row and more or less sat glued to the sofa, occasionally getting up to move around for bathroom breaks and well, to move. It's not right that both her Mommies don't go to bed at the same time like normal. It's not right that one Mommy goes to bed while the other stays up working in front of her nemesis (a,k,a the computer) which steals all the attention from her when she wants it. It's not right that said working Mommy has taken two naps that only last for a couple of hours each, sleeps lighter, and won't let her eat her hair. No, none of this is right or natural. But even though Narcisa hasn't liked any of it, she's stayed with me most of the time, mostly napping on the ottoman and occasionally getting up for food and to chase her tail on the top level of her cat tree. 

Annoying the cat was worth it. Annoying Amanda with instrumental dark, Gothic music that helped set my mood, was also worth it. I finished the whole draft for my writing class. The assigned page limit was 20-25 and I ended up with 24 pages. I edited and smoothed out the first 6, taking into consideration the critiques of my fellow students and my instructor, and those Amanda made, and cranked out the rest over the last two days. I think my general page turn out for the project was 12 pages a day, which is great and 2 more than it was previously, and that's even with having to take a couple breaks for a couple of hours. Yes, I am shamelessly bragging about it because I fucking did it!

I needed this assignment. It reminded me that I don't completely suck. It reminded me how much I love writing, the fun in the challenge to fix glaring issues, and try different words and new things structurally. Most importantly, it felt right and like this was exactly where I was supposed to be. I had a couple of moments where I thought some things I had written sucked, but that weren't actually bad. I had some insecure moments, but by the end I realized somethings. I can do this, I don't suck nearly as bad as I think I do, and that it's a really bad idea to piss Zofie, the main character of the story, off. She's a bit vicious.  Oh and while I made it work into the parameters of a short story, this really is a novel, a novella in the least. 

So now that it is done and submitted I get to start the load of homework for this week. I am probably going to spend some time watching a bit of anime first, just to give myself a little bit of a break. Oddly enough, I want either a steak with veggies for dinner or a Bacon and tomato sandwich. 

Oh before I forget, I adulted yesterday afternoon. I called that holistic doctor's office. They are taking new patients with my insurance and I have an appointment next Thursday. I am actually excited and looking forward to meeting and seeing a doctor. Now, I just need to adult either today or tomorrow to get myself into a gynecologist for this PCOS issue.     

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

New pain, withdraw issues, glasses, happier things

Okay so Monday was bad. Today is going to be better because I am going to make it be better, but we will talk about the happier today things in a few, Monday first. 

Sunday night, I woke up freezing and shaking. I was so cold that my back, shoulder, and neck were seizing up super tight. I don't know what I did to the muscle around my shoulder blade but it was hurting pretty bad on Sunday, bad enough to cause a migraine and keep me from moving very well. Anyway, back to that night. I actually had to turn on the space heater to warm up enough so I could move and go to the bathroom. Amanda had to fetch me water, and I had to lay in bed with the heater pointed at me for about half an hour before I could turn the fan back on and sleep. From that point on I had nightmares and that's how Monday got off to a terrible start. 

When I woke up, I could barely move and couldn't turn my head. So I spent a few minutes taking it slow. I'd seen my Mom do all manner of neck and shoulder stretches, so I tried those very carefully. They really didn't help. So I did my best to get up, get dressed, and move to the sofa and applied some heat. That got me to loosen up a little, but the pain was still pretty bad, bad enough that I gave up the brave face, broke down and took a pain pill. I hate them. 

I discovered that I did an assignment wrong in my writing class and will have to redo it, which sucks because I am a little behind in the class. I had forgotten about an assignment in my other class and it took me twice as long to get the homework done in that class as I had thought. So it's still catch up time. But I was really kind of out of it from the pain pill to do anything of value so I kind of poked around a little bit on the internet until Amanda got home and that's when shit hit the fan. 

I had a melt down over the dumbest crap. I was crying, I screamed at a spoon that wouldn't go into one of the silverware slots in the dishwasher. I wanted to call my Mom. I was upset over the fact that dinner wasn't what Amanda wanted but it was what I could manage. I was upset because the ants have migrated further into my kitchen and I just can't handle bugs (I had a really bad experience at my aunts house when I was younger that has never left me). I was upset over the fact that my house needs picked up but I couldn't move enough to take care of it and that I had homework to do but couldn't think clearly enough to do it. I was also upset because I realized that last night was an episode of withdrawal from my depression medication. I finally have my medical records and will be going to a place that specializes in mental/behavioral health this week as well as trying to get an appointment set up for the holistic doctor I found. So this has all been the unfortunate ugly combination of new bodily pain playing with the normal pain, withdrawal from medication, and depression. Thankfully this is all easily fixed or dealt with. 

On to more happy things. I got my new glasses in the mail today. I like them and you'll see me in them later. 

Amanda and I went over all the critiques my instructor and classmates did on my short story rough draft. I read her the draft and we discussed some of the things in the critiques. We also discussed some character motivations, building, and she also helped me hash out more firmly where I am going with the story. There's just one problem. This is not a short story. This is a freaking novel. A kind of Persephone meets Alice in Wonderland meets Epic Fantasy world fairy tale kind of thing with darker tones. I didn't mean to do it. In retrospect, I probably should have just experimented with writing another horror story, but this is where I was taken. So now I am going to have to finish writing out the 20-25 pages and hope I can cram in everything that needs to be there, remove the things I can safely cut, and smooth it all out successfully enough to get the job done. Hopefully I can manage all of this and still get a good grade. After the class, I will have to revisit it, tear it apart, and redo it as a novel. But that's a good thing. The only draw back to that is that this was supposed to be something to put in my portfolio as a piece I could send off to be published as a short story. Oh well. 

Other happy things are that I saw a cute little marmot running around in the grass yesterday. I also talked to my neighbor who recently lost her son. She looks good considering. 

Lastly, my Uncle Craig went in a few days ago to have some sort of surgery to see if he had lung cancer again. The results haven't come back yet and while he was in recovery, his heart stopped. They got him back but it was touch and go for a little bit. We don't know why yet and worse, he was in the room that my Uncle Chris died in- which was really hard on my cousin Shi-Chan and Grandma Diane and Grandpa Rip. Of course my aunt managed to find a way to be a bitch and make it all about her in some disgustingly dramatic display. But the good news is that Uncle Craig seems to be stable and doing better. They've moved him from that room and into a less critical area of the hospital. So I am hoping for the best for him. 

*Note Grandma Diane and Grandpa Rip are technically Shi-chan's Grandparents via her Dad, my late Uncle Chris. But they treated me just the same as Shi-Chan and her siblings. I'm not nearly as close to Uncle Criag, my Uncle Chris's brother, but he is still my uncle and I worry about him. 

Don't make me go into Gollum mode

Sometimes I feel like Frodo on the cusp of becoming Gollum. I have had a problem with an all too "helpful" friend. Actually, Amanda and I have both had an issue with this person. We love this person, we really do, but she just doesn't understand where we are coming from. She visits and offers to help us, which is really nice and we really appreciate it. Amanda works full time and I am in school full time, we've been sick, we've had IEPG stuff (although that is over now), and we've had a constant revolving door of people in our house. So we have gotten a little behind in settling in, unpacking, and going through our things. 

This friend tries to be helpful by cleaning, which is great but she made a junk drawer where I didn't have one. She puts things away is strange places too. Worse, she is so eager to help that when my desk was still out in the living room and had a pile of stuff on it, it drove her nuts but it drove her even more nuts that I wouldn't let her "fix" it. There was a reason why but she still tried. Then she was helping Amanda in the spare room and really kind of treated Amanda like she was a hoarder. Amanda can be a troll, she comes home and dumps her stuff and throws clothes off everywhere, but she really isn't a hoarder. 

Our issue is that we have had a majority of our thing packed away in boxes and stored in Amanda's parent's garage for over 4 years. And we lived in her parents house for that time. Since we have been busy we haven't had a lot of time or energy to deal with everything but slowly and surely we are going through things. But this friend is kind of ridiculous in how she tried to help with that. She simply does not understand how little energy and time we have had. She simply doesn't understand that books have been a huge part of my life my entire life, or that my dream has always been to have a library of my own and that I am finally starting to have one. She actually fussed about the fact that I have two copies of the same book never mind that I haven't had a chance to go through the books yet. The first copy was one I bought several years ago and the second happened to be the "random" copy I won in a contest that was signed by the author. She just wanted to get rid of one. She wants us to get rid of our double copies of books, never mind that I have notes in my copies and Amanda has notes in hers. And this goes for the rest of it too. She has plenty of oh so "helpful" advice about organization too. Um... I have seen her ind of organization and let me tell you, she has absolutely no room to talk. 

The fact of the matter is, this friend needs to back off and just let us deal with stuff where and when we can. I don't want to be mean about it, but the next time this issue comes up I will be firm. She and some other friends have kind of treated our house as a possible shopping center and its kind of disrespectful and hurtful. It is going to have to stop because it's making me feel extremely territorial and possessive and that's not really a good feeling, especially when I have been pretty generous of my time and space to begin with. 

I'm not sleeping well, so I am in venting mode. 

Friday, May 13, 2016

Brooding is bad but I do it so well, adulting, and a cold, semi-dark house

Today has already been eventful. I got up, took Amanda to work not the park and ride bus stop, all the way downtown. I went to Starbucks, drove to Coeur d'Alene to pick up and pay for my medical records, stopped to get gas, went to Yoke's to get a money order, and paid the damned late fee for my apartment. Apparently there is some paperwork Amanda and I have to sign but instead of our landlord just giving it to me today to sign and bring back on Monday, she asked if she could give it to me on Monday because she is running behind on stuff today. I don't mind but I did ask for a work order which I am going to make copies of because Amanda and I have a lot of things we want to fix in this apartment, like the bathroom fan. It sounds awful, like it's going to fly out and kill us every time we turn it on or off. I think the only thing that is keeping it from doing so it the light. Then there is stove burner issue, the chipped paint they never fixed before we moved in (which we are happy to fix if they let us paint the hideous brown wall a different color), and we would like to have them tear the floor out in the kitchen so we can adequately take care of the ant problem and get the laminate flooring in that they are doing in other apartments. But we will talk to them about that later.

So aside from doing all of that, I've called the doctor's office I want to go to and left a message for them to call me back. It's 11:20 now and they are open until 12 noon. 

Now I just want a nap but I have homework to do. So I think I will either take a nap and set an alarm or do as much homework as I can until I fall asleep. 

Part of my homework is finishing my 20-25 page short story. It needs to get done. I know the more I write the better I will feel. I know the more I write, the more confidence I will have in my writing. These are things I know or at least hope for. But, I have little to no confidence in myself. I told Amanda yesterday that she's an amazing writer and that I am only ever going to be mediocre and that it was no reflection on her, that this is just what the vicious depression and anxiety monster in my head are telling me. It is so bad that I feel like I can't finish my assignment for school and if I can't do that then how the hell am I going to finish any of the books I've started and been working on? If I can't finish them, then what was the point in going back to school and it just spirals down from there. Damn it I really hate this. I hate feeling like this. I hate how my stupid brain works. I hate that I don't have the confidence I used to have not just in writing but in life in general. And as much as I love my Mother, I hate that she asked me when I got to be such a wuss. I know she was asking because she is shocked and concerned and wants me to be apparently "bad ass" again, but I don't know if I will ever be. I bring that up because I keep hearing her voice in my head asking me that and I am disgusted with myself. 

Since I am feeling this terrible, I am sitting in my comfort zone. The blinds are closed, the air conditioner is on because the neighbors are out smoking all around and there is a lot of noise and allergens blowing around. And I am going to make arrangements to see about going back to therapy because I really think I need too.   

Thursday, May 12, 2016

A hard day, bad news-good news, and some apps (are they really necessary?)

One of my favorite artists, Nene Thomas

So my day was rough. It started out well. I took a shower without having a small freak out from the enclosed space and humidity and bonus I was able to do it while Amanda was at work. I've had some problems with my shower pretty much since we moved in but as long as I open the closet door between the bathroom and our bedroom and point my fan in and have the bathroom fan going, I have less issues. I've also managed to figure out a way to keep the shower curtain off me so I don't feel so boxed in. 

Continuing on from there, I went to a friend's new little Cottage to see all the progress they have made since moving in, have tea, and just visit. I was there for a couple of hours. And after I left there is where things kind of turned to shit. I went to one of our local grocery stores to get a money order but they only take cash. So I went to another store only to have my card declined which made no sense to me. Frustrated I tried to log into my account to figure out why, and because I had to pee, needed to eat something, and was starting to panic, I couldn't remember my login info. So I left the store and went to the car and tried to calm down. But then I tried to drive thinking I was okay. Lunch rush hour traffic was a mess, the sun was bright and burning my arm, and I got every red light. So the panic attack flared up again. But it was manageable enough that I was able to calm down long enough to pull in somewhere, sit for a few minutes, and then go get food. From there I just came home. 

I called my Dad after I ate. My Mom's jumping has been so bad that she dislocated her shoulder and had to pop it back in place by herself because my Dad wasn't home. Then she figured out that the new medication she was put on that had been working really well, hadn't been in her medicine box. So they are fixing that issue. My Dad on the other hand is not doing well. His depression is worse, meds suck, he thinks the staff infection on his ankle might be coming back, and the job prospect he had looks like it's not going to work out. I just want to parent-nap them! 

My doctor's office is making me drive into CDA to pick up my medical records instead of mailing them out to me like they did Amanda's. Apparently she didn't have a fee for her but I do, so I have to take at least an hour out of my day to go deal with that crap. The good news is, I was looking for a more holistic doctor's office and I found one that takes my insurance. I just have to call the see if they are taking new patients with my insurance, do a consultation and go from there. I really really hope that they take me. I really want to check this place out, especially after spending at least an hour reading over everything on the website. 

I had another panic attack this evening on the way home to Stitch & Witch. I think I got a little overwhelmed from the noise and how many people were crammed into the conference room at the coffee shop we went met at. I think everything from the day and being overwhelmed and then brooding a little bit kicked the panic attack off. I had to pull over. Which didn't make me happy because I thought I was doing better. I really truly hate this crap. But the good news here is at least I didn't have to take a xanax. 

Okay so good stuff. I had to look at some "wellness" apps for my wellness class. I found a chakra meditation app on google play. I found a water reminder app where you can set an alarm to remind you that you need to drink some water and it also keeps track of your intake. I found a mood tracker where I can list the activities I've done for the day and make notes. I don't know that I really need all these fancy apps. I don't like being so tied to my phone, computer, or even my kindle. I like to take breaks from electronics. However, I thought I would try these apps out for awhile and I remember to use them, I might keep them, if not, I will get rid of them. 

Well, I need to get back to doing homework. I have two final project drafts to write up this week. One is a power point presentation and the other is 20 more pages of a story. I can do both, I am just tired and kind of want to go to bed. 

My house is a wreck... again.

So my house is a disaster again. 

Amanda thought yesterday would be a really great day to bring all the crafts out for me to go through while she worked on getting my desk into the spare/office/library/Bowie room. *sigh* I should have been doing homework instead but the house stuff needed to be done as well. I managed to hurt my knee and my back, but that kind of go hand in hand with me trying to do anything I want or need to do and my back just needs to shut up and get over it. 

We got rid of some stuff, yay, and organized the rest. We have a couple more boxes to go through in that room but they are going to have to wait, probably until my break between terms. 

So for now this is what that room looks like:

I am working on getting a shelf to put some of that stuff on so it doesn't look so bad and so I have easier access. A friend of mine has a baker's rack that she said I could have if her mother didn't want it. 

Amanda gave me two shelves on one of the bookshelves and the top shelf too. 

That's the first wall you see when you go in. Vinyl records are on the bottom, the rest- aside for my craft shit- are books and assorted nick knacks. And my scrap booking paper boxes. I don't know who's sleeping bag that is or how or when we acquired it. 

My desk with a bunch of stuff on it that doesn't belong. Narcisa seems to think that she gets to be on it and I will allow it since it is in front of the window, as long as she doesn't cause me problems. Amanda was trying to get her to look at the camera. Oh look, we have sheer bat curtains! 

More books and things. The HBI box is hiding the record player.

And more books and my lame attempt to hide the stack of boxes and tubs we still have to go through. Yes, those are Build-a-Bear My Little Ponies and a few other stuffed animals. The closet is full of seasonal decorations and some more art stuff. My bedroom closet has my yarn and half of my fabric. I will take "finished" pictures when we get everything put together, which I really hope is soon. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Video Chats, weird anime, and feeling a little better.

Last night Amanda and I were both feeling pretty tired and just not up to doing anything. So I ordered pizza, she went and picked it up, and we decided to try out A Jin on Netflix. I fell asleep watching it in the last several episodes, not because it was boring, but because I just couldn't keep my eyes open any more. I remember Amanda fussing at me about falling asleep, but I told her to let me, that I would finish out the show later.  It is an intense show with lots of blood. The concept is interesting and I liked what I was awake for. I plan to finish it either tonight or tomorrow. 

This morning I watched a couple of episodes of Red Data Girl. I am almost finished with that series and really wish there was more of it. I know there are manga and that the manga and anime are based of the novels. Well, I can't get the novels in English- or at least it doesn't appear that I can. I've checked Amazon. Needless to say, I have really enjoyed watching it. For that matter I have enjoyed watching anime again period. I kind of stopped for fora couple of years, only watching a little here and there because Amanda either didn't like what I was watching (wasn't her thing) or didn't want to watch it because she can become easily sucked in and then spends more time watching it than doing other things, which I totally understand. However, I kind of let that take over and cheated myself out of one of few true joys in my life. I didn't realize just how much I love it until I was fan-girling over the anime I have while Chris and Fiona were here. I apologized because I realized they probably didn't give a shit, and Fiona said she was only allowing it because it was the first thing that she'd ever seen me so excited and truly happy about. 

Well anime isn't the only thing that I am excited, happy, and fan-girlish over. It's just that most of the stuff I could talk about most people either don't care or don't have a clue. For instance there are tons movies and books I could go on and on about. There are places I have been that I could go on about. But its kind of like the conversation my Grandma and I had about when people would ask me how I am doing when I was going to church ages ago. She said that people don't really want to know how you are doing and if you tell them anything tell them only the good things. Which I always through was strange because if I took/take the time to ask someone how they are doing, it is because I actually do want to know how they are doing. But that's just me.

Speaking of Grandma, I am going to have a video chat with her today. My parents are going over to help Grandma and Grandpa with any housework, gardening, and computer or electronic stuff she needs. She will cook something amazing (which I always miss), and then Dad will set up his computer and we will chat. I was able to have a video chat with my Mom on Mother's day which was nice. Dad gave me shit when I asked her what the hell happened to her hair. He said, "I'd almost convinced her that it doesn't look bad and that she doesn't look like Aunt Laura, thanks for ruining it." Okay her hair cut doesn't look good on her and apparently it was the fix of a really bad hair cut but no, she doesn't look like Aunt Laura, not totally... Well, I mean come on they are identical twins, they are going to look somewhat similar. But my Mom is prettier and looks younger. So there!

The good news for the day is that I am feeling a little bitter physically. I was really stiff this morning and am still stiff. However, my back doesn't hurt as badly and my neck feels a bit better. I sat in bed for a little bit this morning stretching it carefully and doing some neck exercises I've seen my Mom do with her physical therapy. Seems to be helping. I certainly don't have the headache. And I managed to get the dishwasher unloaded when I made myself breakfast this morning. Speaking of dishes, I need to load up the dishwasher and run it so I can make dinner before Amanda gets home. 

Monday, May 9, 2016

Of backs, rain, and Kitty Cats and also Star Wars

It is blessedly raining and cold today. I am stationed on the sofa prepared to do as little as possible barring the dishes and taking a shower. Narcisa is keeping me company so to speak, in sitting in front of the patio window. We are listening to the birds, the rain, and enjoying the view. Although hers a bit more like live cat TV.  Because she gets so excited and likes to climb the screen, we have to keep the fireplace screen in front of the door. Which gives it a use all year round.

My house is a cluttered mess but for once, I just don't care. I think for me that's a sign that my depression is getting worse. There are some other indicators like not wanting to cook, not wanting to leave the house, feeling like I just don't have the energy to take a shower, and sleeping a lot (which I did yesterday). I've kind of been in a funk of sorts ever since I was sick and haven't quite come out of it. 

To go along with the funk or to make things worse, I've done something to my back again. Amanda's car is a manual or stick shift and lately trying to drive has been a bit painful in that when I move my legs to push on the petals my back gets pissy. Sometimes walking, sometimes sitting certain ways, and most certainly when I lay down in bed at night my back gives me grief. None of this makes me happy. None of this is easy or helps when I want to go do things in and out of my house. And if my back wasn't enough of a problem, now my neck is giving me shit too. I don't know what I did to it, but it feels like I can't get any relief from it either. 

So today, I say screw it. I'm not going to do anything. I'm going to sit on the sofa, drink some Golden Chai Tea with Turmeric because Turmeric is supposed to have anti-inflammation properties, finish watching Red Data Girl, and read a little. No homework today. I'm going to wait until Amanda gets home to take a shower just in case my back goes out, that way I don't fall or get stuck, unable to move. You know, that's a big part of the issue. I'm fucking 32 years old and I'm afraid to take a shower because of my stupid back locking up, going out, or whatever the hell it does. All my stupid doctors see is the damned weight and how I need to get it off. Well duh! No shit, but you can't get weight off if you can't fucking move! So instead of focusing on that, why don't you actually focus on the root of the problem so we can get to the secondary problem. Common sense folks. Common fucking sense. I can't walk if I can't move and throwing a bunch of pills that makes me so damned tired that I sleep all the time doesn't do any damned good.

On a happier note note, I think, four or five sparrows just got into what I think is a fight in the tree outside my patio. It was kind of intense and I heard a new sound from one of them, some sort of angry clicking. 

Also, I bought and Amanda and I have both seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I thought the dialogue was better in this movie than any of the others, it felt like it flowed better. I also liked the J. J. Abrams style effects. I feel it gave the Star Wars universe a fresh feel. However, I kept looking for things in the movie that I knew were cannon in the Star Wars universe that never appeared. I don't want to go into it too much because I don't want to spoil it for anyone who still hasn't seen it, but what about the Mara Jade arc? I told my Dad that while I haven't read every Star Wars book, I've know about Mara Jade since Star Wars Episode one came out and I was reading stuff on the internet about the universe. Dad said, when he gets his good computer up and running again, he has- up until that time- all the Star Wars novels on his hard drive and he will send them to me. He found free pdfs or something. I have all the Jedi Apprentice books with Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn and the Episode one novel. That aside, since my initial viewing of The Force Awakens, I've seen it a few more times and am actually happy with it. Also, Chewbacca is freaking old! He's been around and at least an adult Wookiee since Anakin Skywalker was a teenager. How long is a Wookiee's life span? Star Wars wiki says the average life span of a Wookiee is 400 years. 

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Eye exams, apartment managers, grocery shopping, going to witch club, and a messy house

Today, after I pick up a friend and then Amanda from work, we are heading to one of the malls in town for Witch Club. Today it is just a social meet up, but it is a smaller more exclusive group. Well, not the social meeting parts, but there are some things that are more private. A friend of mine took it over from one of her friends and I am excited to see what she creates with it. 

My house is disaster but it is coming along. Amanda is getting caught up on the laundry because I just haven't had the where-with-all to deal with it. But I was feeling better yesterday and did a lot in the kitchen. Since I exploded a pie plate (set it on a burner and then turned on that burning thinking it was a different burner) we are still finding glass in the kitchen. When they say blow something to smithereens, I really did it! I had to vacuum out the silverware drawer and the broiler drawer of the stove yesterday. But aside from cleaning up glass, I did the dishes and then spent about an hour cutting up veggies and some fruit to freeze. I like to basically create meal bags on the weekends so I don't have to cut up lots of veggie if I am not feeling up to it or don't have time. This also makes sure that nothing goes to waste because I forgot it was in the fridge or on the counter. 

Since Amanda had the day off yesterday, we went grocery shopping. There were so many people out for the middle of the day. I thought, oh it's lunch rush hour, but after that, there were still a lot of people out. But we managed to get just about everything we needed. Amanda is looking at a laundry cart thing and I told her to get it but she wanted to wait. There was also a brace she was looking at for her heel that she wanted to wait on. Basically having to get 4 new tires for the car set us back a little bit, but we'll be okay when she gets paid next week. Then we can start focusing on getting a belt for her car and the fuel pump for the Jeep. After that, it is a matter of figuring out what is going on with the heater and air conditioner in the Jeep and fixing the door lock on Amanda's car. Although frankly, I am so ready to trade in both cars for something else. We were talking about the possibility of a truck or even a minivan, but I think we will probably go with a mid-side SUV.  

So, while we were out yesterday, we were kind of looking at the different suvs around. We also talked about a 5 year plan and working toward getting a house, which is awesome! As soon as Amanda started talking about if we really wanted to settle in this area, five year plan, and taking some kind of class that her boss is taking to help get a house, I pretty much wanted to snog her, but I was driving and she'd just had Reese's Peanut Butter Cups for a treat. Since I had been out of allergy meds for two weeks and was already itching like crazy, I didn't want to push it.

I can't decide if I like my apartment managers. They are strange. I can say that I think a 75$ late fee for being one day late on rent is utter bullshit. Yes, we were one day late in getting the money order to the office, but that is only because I spaced it the night before when we got home. No, I don't have t pay that much this time. Apparently they have a one time waver where you only have to pay 25$ for a processing fee. Which s bullshit too, it should never cost that much, but whatever, I will get them the 25 and be done with it.  I also call bullshit on them being able to kick us out in a matter of 3 days if we couldn't pay rent. This was just some of the explanation one of the ladies was giving me yesterday. This place is obnoxious with all their rules and regulations. No worries, I'm not planning to move anytime soon. In fact I don't want to move until I get a house or if this place becomes intollerable and I don't see that happening. Although, I may end up blowing a gasket if the kids don't stop beating up on the trees, running up on my patio, and leaving muddy hand prints on my windows. Like my Dad said when I told him my annoyances "Get of my lawn!" It is true. I have a territorial bubble about my house, lol. I don't want anyone within a certain distance unless invited. Animals are the only exception.

Okay, last thing, I had an eye exam this week. Because I knew my eyes were going to be dilated and I already have a light sensitivity, I had a friend take me to the appointment. The nurse I had was brisk and a bit rude. No, I didn't look fancy, but why put on make up when you know they are going to be putting something in your eyes? But that wasn't really her problem. Her problem with me was that I am fat. No, really, I did not read her wrong. When I got into the exam room and tried to sit in the exam chair, the arm rests made it impossible. So, I asked her very politely if they moved up. She looked at me then the chair and sighed and proceeded to tell me that she'd never had to do that before. The arm rests did move up and we got on with the appointment but she was annoyed that I had to adjust how I was sitting so I could lean forward for a couple of things. I just wanted to tell her to knock it off, grow up, and get over it. I didn't, I was super polite but she couldn't wait to get out of there. The eye doctor was nice but he seemed to focus on some of my medicines and asked if they are helping me. I thought that was a little strange and a little invasive, but whatever. 

The end result is that I do need new glasses and I took my prescription and came home. I've already ordered them and they are on their way. Bonus, I got three pairs for what I would have paid for one pair by going to Zenni optical. I basically got a main pair, a back up pair, and finally a pair of prescription sunglasses! And here are the pictures of them starting with the sunglasses. 

I couldn't resist the dragon pair. Because DRAGONS!!!

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

I did something big, maybe a little brave, but certainly something for myself.

In my previous post I talked about about jumping a ship. That ship is, in fact sinking, and will continue to do so, but it will do so without me.

I resigned my position from the IEPG council tonight after much thought, stress, tears, and consideration. There is one member on the council who is making it impossible to make the necessary changes to breath new life and energy into the guild.  This person also made it clear that the rest of the council members were not to go behind their back and have council meetings even though that was not what happened. We happened to be together and talking about how we have seen a decline in new people and a decline in regular members. We talked about out fears of the group diminishing and what we could do to help it thrive again. We made a list of concerns and some ideas we thought we could tackle and put forth to rejuvenate the guild. But this person made it apparent last night that they have control and and nothing will be done without their approval. More importantly,  this person made it clear that it is their group, they are boss, and the rest of us are basically all expendable and replaceable. It was a said as a veiled threat but I saw through it. It was what I needed to know to make my final decision.  

The IEPG meant a lot to me. I learned things, I grew and even outgrew the guild in so much as needing more intensive spiritual studies. I got what I needed from the group, which was friends, the ability to stand on my own feet again, and discover some spiritual direction. In the last several months I have felt over taxed, spread too thin, and drained by many things all at once. I hung in there and held on for as long as I could but after doing 4 tarot readings myself and a friend of mine doing a rune reading, I knew it was time to let go, and focus more on me.

What this means for me is that I now have a tiny bit more free time to myself. I will be focusing my energy on my career path, finishing school without worrying about if I've done enough research or done a good enough job on IEPG Esbats and Sabbts or workshops, and this gives me the opportunity to explore some things in a solitary manner. 

Oddly enough, I kind of feel better, even lighter. But with that said, I have some homework to do and I need to go to bed.


In the hour it between the time I submitted my resignation, I have since learned that the aforementioned council member is talking about disbanding the IEPG completely. Other council members have voiced that they have been thinking about stepping down as well. the person in control decided then to say that they also have been thinking about stepping down this week and that they didn't do it because they didn't want to leave the rest of us hanging. Another council member talked about those still around taking it over but the person in control isn't having it. Which means that that person would rather let the IEPG diminish and disband than give over even the tiniest once of control, to let other members help make it flourish, oh and it seems they want to be sure to cash in on the donation money. The two other council members that are left are trying to see that if the group disbands tonight, that the donation money is used for one last hurrah for the group. I honestly don't see that happening. I think I may have just lost all respect for the council member who can't grow up and stop being a selfish bitch.