Monday, September 30, 2013

Christians trying to stop a New Age Festival.

I came across an article posted by the Inland Empire Pagan Guild on Facebook about Christians Vs. Pagans. One of the reasons I departed from Christianity was the level of hypocrisy and this article, which I will post a link to in a few, is one of the reasons why. For a religion that claims to be kind, loving, and forgiving it sure is proving to be the opposite. I don't think of religion in terms of a 'thing' but rather it's people. Don't get me wrong, I know not all Christians are assholes just like I know not all Pagans are saints, but damn it, I haven't met a Pagan who uses their religion to abuse people like these Christians are doing. 

Would it really be so bad to let these people have their festival? They aren't hurting anyone. They aren't trying to convert anyone. They just want to practice their beliefs and be left alone about it just like they leave the Christians alone to practice their beliefs. 

I just don't understand why it's so hard for people to leave others alone. Just because you believe something and your neighbor doesn't believe the same doesn't make them a bad person. You can share your beliefs with them but it is not your job to make sure that they change their minds or convert to your way of thinking. It also doesn't make them horrible or evil if they refuse either. And it certainly isn't your job to terrorize them or others who think and believe the way they do. If you do hurt, malign, or do any harm what so ever, then it is you who are the bad person, you who have become evil. Who would want to change to become like that?  

31 days until Halloween/ Samhain

It's 31 days until Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year. I love to decorate, to make costumes, do crafts, and to cook up treats and try to plan some sort of party or little get-together.

Last year we had Skoora's cousins come over. We carved pumpkins, played slender man via a computer hooked up to the TV, and we drove them out to the little patch of woods near our house to tell ghost stories. It was a lot of fun. I haven't a clue as to what we are doing this year but we will figure it out. Either way none of what we have done, dressed up as, or will do let alone make to eat is evil or demonic. Yes, I am a Neo-pagan Kitchen Witch, but that doesn't mean I am cooking up  'time-release' curses in the food I make. Frankly, I don't 'pray' over any food I make. I also don't howl at the moon or feast on blood. I don't participate or conduct orgies. And I don't know any Neo-Pagans who do any of aforementioned.

What the hell am I talking about? One of my friends on facebook came across an article written by an extremely narrow-minded and zealous Christian woman. Do not mistake me, I respect Christians, I used to be one and I have several Christian friends. My own Grandparents are members of Gideons. Grandpa used to be an Elder in the church. Christianity just wasn't for me. But this woman, this woman I can't respect. I won't respect. If she wants to stop celebrating Halloween that's fine, that's her right. The article itself is her right to free speech, but frankly, she's so entirely wrong on so many points and what bothers me the most is that she wrote it blindly. There's no way she even bothered to do any research. She just took her fanatical belief system and made up some bullshit and posted it.

Here is the article "Should Christians Celebrate Halloween?"       


down with the sickness

 Everyone in the house, barring the cats, is sick. I think it's just a really bad cold. Skoora and I went to bed early so we could rest. She has a homework packet due in a few days and has been working 6 days straight with no one to cover her. Thankfully, she has today off to work on homework and rest.

We both awoke a little after 1 am, much to our joint annoyance. She was able to go back to sleep but I'm not that fortunate. I decided to look up some home remedies for colds and flu. I've found a couple that I am going to try and see if they work or at least help. If they do I will post them over on my craft blog. I might cross post it here too. And since I can't sleep, I might even get up, get dressed, and go to the store to get the stuff for soup and said remedies. I don't know whether getting canned soup or just making a huge pot of stew would be better. I might get the stuff for stew and potato soup.

On to other things. Yoda is getting a little perkier. He's been so needy the last two days as well. He yowls and meows for me. I had to go to the bathroom and he couldn't decided whether he wanted in or out so I pushed him out and shut the door, mostly so I could turn on the heater and warm up while doing my business. He sat outside the door and meowed at me. It was cute and pathetic. Right now he's curled up on the bed next to me sleeping.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

A cold, American Horror Story, and Pissed off Kitty.

This morning Skoora and I finished watching the first season of American Horror Story. We both should have been doing other things but we're both sick thanks to her father. Not that it's really his fault, he didn't go out and get sick on purpose.

Anyway, it was an okay season. I didn't like Vivian. I felt bad for her but I didn't like her. I liked Adelaide and Violet and they were pretty much the only two redeemable characters in the entire show. The show was just sad, full of tragedy, and was pretty intense in some places.

Yoda-chan is really pissed at me again. At least this time it's not about me cutting the mats from his fur or washing the icky cat littler from his feet. Oh no, today he is pissed at me because we bought him some chew-able senior cat vitamins. He wouldn't eat them from my hand or off the floor and since he won't eat wet food, I decided to break out the medicine dropper. I ground his vitamin into powder, added a little water to make it liquid and then shot it down his throat. I gave him treats afterward, of course. But he's not happy with me. We are trying the vitamins to see if he will get to feeling better because he's eating and drinking and going to the bathroom just fine. If these don't work then it's off to the vet with him to see if they can figure out what's wrong.

Remember that blog post I wrote about having no hope? Well, I am still having little moments where I feel that down. Last night I wasn't feeling good and Skoora's Mom would not shut up. She kept talking through the show we were watching and didn't want to get up and get anything for herself. When she kept repeating 'I need a soda and the TV turner' over and over it grated on my nerves so bad that I just wanted to poke my head around the corner and scream at her to get of her lazy ass and get it herself. But I didn't. And when I was getting set up to play Guild Wars with my Dad, Skoora's dad tripped over my computer cord and ripped it out of the wall and both of them were talking and so I got my stuff and left the room. I just couldn't handle it. And I was upset about some other things that had happened earlier in the day, things like Skoora's mom zoning in on something Skoora bought for her friends and wanting to use it for her own devices. Really, this woman can only think of two things in life now that he grand kids are away from her and that is gambling/money and Christmas. It's disgusting. So disgusting I just want to have a black Christmas and make it as dark and depressing as she makes me feel all the time.

On to the point, I made the mistake of venting to my Dad last night, of telling him how bad it's gotten. I didn't want to tell him anything, he has so much that he's dealing with already that he doesn't need my problems on top of it. He did tell me that at any point that I can't stand it anymore, he'd get me and Skoora home, that there is always an out and he'd rather find the money to get us home rather than pay for my funeral. And of course he told my Mom so she called to talk to me this morning and now I feel like the worst child ever for saying anything at all. Skoora thinks I was right to tell them, that it's better that they know how I feel rather than hear about it later. I think it was a horrible mistake. Now both my parents are scared and upset and they were already worried to begin with.

But you know what the worst thing is? I thought I could talk to Skoora's Mom about these things so my parents would never have to know. I was so wrong. She doesn't give a shit. She and her husband just want me to clean and cook (which I've been doing to the best of my abilities since Skoora and I came to live with them two years ago) and they want me to go back to bio life and donate plasma and buy stuff for the house. I would do it if they would ask me, but I was told to.

I'm almost 30 years old. I can accept and let go of what I envisioned my life would be like when I was growing up. But this is not what I wanted. My Great Grandma Ireland used to say that it doesn't hurt you to want. I always tell people that sometimes you have to eat shit before you get to what you really want. Well, I've eaten enough shit, it's damned time I get to start eating cake.  

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Suicidal deer and Rosario Vampire

Rosario Vampire

I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to deer and highways, all intelligence leaves deer. I have seen them walking along the highway several times, right up on the shoulder or in the ditch. If that isn't startling and scary enough, there was one in the road a few years back and I was lucky enough to have enough time to slow down and move around it. But last night, I didn't have enough time to really slow down and that stupid deer stood there like an idiot. Thankfully, either the little deer whistles on my jeep scared it or it finally had enough sense to know it was in trouble because it scampered off the road. However, when I looked in my rear view mirror, I saw that dumb thing walk right back out onto the road. What? One close call wasn't enough for it? Or maybe it was having a fight with it's buck and in a dramatic display was going to play chicken and nearly get itself killed. Who can say. It sure was dumb in  any case and we arrived home without being hurt. 

I hear tale that a friend of mine didn't like Rosario Vampire and I'm not sure why. It's crack anime! Silly, and I love it! Then again I rarely find anime that I don't like. Anyway, I started the series a couple of months ago but never really got around to finishing it. So I tried to watch an episode last night but fell asleep. Of course I couldn't let that slide, so this morning, while getting ready for the day, I watched some more and ended up watching three episodes. I'm on season 2 and just saw that there is a manga while looking for a picture for this post. Yay! I'll be putting that on my reading list especially since I really haven't read manga for awhile.

For the more adult portions of my day, I'm not sure what I am going to make for dinner. We don't really have much in the house so it's up to me to piece stuff together to make something tasty. I don't have to clean anything, thankfully, and so I have pretty much the whole day to work on novels. YAY! Well, that and read some of my library books.  

Monday, September 23, 2013

You know you're a geek when...

Skoora was telling her best friend about a new TV show on Fox called Sleepy Hollow. (The pilot wasn't bad and we're interested in seeing where they go with the show.) She has decided that just from said pilot episode that the show will be like Inuyasha so far as character relationships are going to go.
That there will be some twisted love triangle between a dead person, a person out of time and so forth. That's when I decided that you know you're a geek when you can compare main stream tv characters to anime characters.

Since we've been visiting friends for Skoora's birthday, we've been out and about a little bit. I've felt a bit bad because I can't go as far or as long as everyone else but I've kept up pretty well and I sit and rest when I need too. Consequently, I managed to hurt my back when I was scooting my chair closer to the table at dinner well that was yesterday now I suppose since it's seven minutes to 4 am. I'm having a little bout of insomnia which baffles me because I was so tried all day.

Anyway, we've gone to Starbucks twice this weekend and are planning to go again tomorrow. Frankly, that's a real treat! We also managed to walk into Hasting's on the day they were having a 'half off all used books, DVDs, and music' sale. I was able to get three books. Skoora got a book and a movie that she wanted and we spent $15.

Speaking of shopping, I ended up with a new shirt from Wal-mart because I trusted Skoora when she said she would pack some clothes for me. She packed everything but shirts and since it is chilly and I don't have a coat, I found a long sleeved shirt. We normally wouldn't do that, we'd just wear a previously worn shirt, but we need to do a little clothes shopping anyway. We share clothes and we both wear our shared clothes until they are worn out. I recently went through our closet and sent things we weren't wearing, that were still in good condition, to a 2nd hand store and got rid of things that were on their last leg. It's kind of funny, we have so many old T-shirts that are worn out or too small but we wanted to keep that we've decided to make a T-shirt quilt. I'll be the one doing all the sewing of course, but I don't mind. I still have a shirt that my Dad got me when I was little that has a raccoon on it.

Skoora received Monster High dolls for her birthday. I will have to find places for them in the 'haunted house' she made for the dolls for Halloween. She was so excited to get Caty Noir. Of course talking about Monster High dolls you'd assume I was engaged to someone much younger, but I assure you, she turned 30 the day before yesterday. We both just really like Monster High, anime, My Little Ponies, and other kid like stuff and we aren't ashamed of it. We are proud of it and better yet, its something that makes us happy.

All of that aside, I need to try and sleep again. Hopefully, this time I'll be able to.     

Friday, September 20, 2013

Fall Finally!

It's that time of year again! My favorite time of year, Fall/Autumn. Tomorrow is Mabon and we are heading out of town tomorrow morning to spend it with some friends who couldn't make it up. Tomorrow also happens to be Skoora's 30th birthday.

We finally got the fall/Halloween decor from the garage. I spent most of yesterday putting it up, not because we have so much, we actually don't have much at all, yesterday I was just feeling really bad physically. Thankfully it's not much work to put some window clings up, put faux flowers in in vases, and set up the few little nick-knacks we have. Skorra made a 'haunted doll house' out of cardboard boxes for our Monster High Dolls.

I feel so much better now that that awful medicine is out of my system. Well, at least I feel more like my usual self. Aside from that I've just been tired, but that's kind of become a normal feeling in the last year or so, so I'm not all that worried.

What I am worried about is Yoda-chan, my eldest cat. At first I thought he was having trouble with arthritis he's a 16 year old cat, it's to be expected. But then Galen, my other cat, has been bullying Yoda a lot more than usual and really trying to push his way in closer to me. Which is very strange because he's always been an anti-social ass. Now, I think it's all of the above. Yoda is a pretty clean cat but I haven't really seen him groom lately and he has mats in his fur, several of which I've had to cut out. He also spends most of his time hiding/sulking under my bed. Usually hes out and sitting with me. And he's really pissed because I keep cleaning the litter from his paws. He doesn't seem to understand that peed on litter stuck in his fur and caked around the pads of his feet isn't a good thing and since he insists on back up into where he just peed instead of walking straight on through the litter box, he's going to have to put up with getting his paws washed. I don't want to find cat litter in my ear again or in my hair. He likes to sleep on my pillow sometimes. I am going to see if I can get him to quit pouting and perk up a little and if he doesn't then I need to talk to the vet to see if there is something that can help him feel a little better, more like himself so he can at least fight Galen back.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

A night of no hope and everything in between

Remember that last post? Yeah, well that all me only I was having a manic episode from the new medication my doctor put me on. I can't believe I had such a strong reaction to the lowest dose! It was insane! I was insane! I had manic episodes. I was shaky all of the time. I was often exhausted and yet at the same time I'd felt like I'd drank a whole pot of coffee. I was tense, felt restless, and if I wasn't sleeping, I was talking almost non-stop, having a laughing attack, or sobbing. 

Thankfully, my Doctor was wise enough to take me off the medication and switch me over to something else, something that has worked in the past. But in the last couple of days I've had to deal with withdraw symptoms. Oh boy does that suck. I'm still having manic moments and then the other night, I had one of the worst emotional crashes I've ever had. 

I lost every bit of hope I'd ever had for anything. There was no point to anything any more. No reason to save money because I would never see my family again unless it was to go to their funerals. No reason to read books because the escape isn't like it used to be (that has something to do with my living situation). No point writing because there's so much wrong with my writing and trying to write while manic was so easy but so stunningly awful I should have been slapped for daring to read it out loud and every other story was pointless. No point in crafts because they cost money to do, time to make, and so forth. No point in fighting for disability they're never going to give it to me. I won't get help for my back so I can get back on my feet. No point in try to lose weight when everything I've done hasn't helped AT ALL. You I actually thought about using the scissors to cut open my leg like they do to the whales they pull up on the beach. It would be so easy. And it would be easy for every one to get on without me being here to drag them down too. All my family and friends in Kansas do it just fine. Kind of like out of sight out of mind. That will continue. 

Really I could go on and on and the point is that I was in such a dark place that even though I was sobbing and panicking, there was an eerie calm settling in. I think if Skoora hadn't been sitting right there trying to talk me through it, I probably would have just killed myself. I think I actually said something about not being able to kill myself because I had no life insurance so just trying to get rid of my body would cost too damned much. 

I really try not to complain, whine, or bother people with too much. There's only so much you can fuss about being people just get tired of it and I've never wanted to be one of 'those' people people don't want to be around. I really try to save my venting and complaining for here and even here I hold back. But this, this was something I needed to get out. It's gotten bad, really bad. I really need to get in and talk to a therapist but mine made me feel like she didn't want me there. Mine made me feel ugly and horribly fat. I have to request another therapist but it's so hard for me. I will be going to the same office as my old one. It;s awkward, it's uncomfortable, and even though I know they aren't allowed to talk about patients, I am so paranoid that I think they will anyway. I honestly have some serious trust issues.  But like I said I just really need to request a different therapist. I also think part of what is holding me back is the fact that it costs money to go and we just can't keep paying the clinic that much money a month on top of my medicine costs, and so forth.

That all aside, I am trying to work on the new story. I really like the idea and I like the beginnings of the characters. It;s just after that manic day of writing and the bouts of mania that I keep having, it's hard for me to settle down and be comfortable enough to write or have much confidence in writing. And that has to stop. It really, really does. 

It's just some days I get tired of all the waiting, all the fighting, and I just want some time to not have to worry about anything. I am tired of forcing myself out of bed, getting dressed, shifting into a mostly-no-nonsense-get-myself-into-gear-and-get-moving kind of attitude and making myself get out of the house. But I know if I quit doing it, I will screw myself over so badly I won't be able to get going again. You know what, it fucking sucks!

Monday, September 2, 2013

Getting somewhere, I think?

Guess what! It's September and in my book it means that it is Fall! Well, almost but this is when I start digging out the fall decorations. I'm not able to get to them just yet this year but hopefully next weekend.

I do have a sad note. I think my eldest cat, Yoda-chan, has arthritis. I am going to talk to the vet and see what we can do for him to help ease the pain. I thought maybe baby aspirin would work but I read on several websites that it's not all that great, especially long term. However, giving my kitty soft massages were on the helpful list and I have already been doing that. I just hope the vet has something affordable. Speaking of Yoda, some of his fur just flew in my face but that's because I've been petting him and have the fan on high.

Speaking of said fan, I had to turn it on high because I woke up sweating. Yay, my fever broke. Boo, I woke up in the middle of the night again! Also, part of the reason I woke up was because my upstairs neighbor seems to like to stomp around instead of walk. So I listened to that for about half an hour before giving up and just getting up.

Since I decided to be up I read for a little bit and then decided that I wanted to write, even if it was word vomit. So I put out about half a page and decided that was a good start to the chapter. I switched a few things around and that seems to have helped me out. I think that's progress of a sort.

Well, I'm going to try and get some sleep again. I need to get up semi-early to go to the grocery store since we are out of food. I should probably make a shopping list but I can do that in the morning or rather in a few hours when I get up again.