Wednesday, August 16, 2017

I love my rock.

Last night I was a little bit manic. I could not shut up! 
Generally speaking I am quiet and I prefer to listen and observe more than I like to talk. This works in my favor when visiting with Amanda's Mom because she is truly a chatty Cathy. There are occasions that I get heated or excited about something and can be as chatty as the next person. However, there is a difference between that and a manic episode. 

I didn't used to have these. I'm not sure exactly when I began having, sometime right before the hysterectomy, probably about the time shit hit the fan. They haven't gone away but I haven't had them that often either and I have told Amanda that I don't mind them that much, I usually get a lot of things done when they come, and being productive always makes me feel better. 

Well, not so much last night. Amanda was trying to do something on my computer (since hers isn't working) and I just kept talking. I apologized, but nearly every thought that came to my head made its way out of my mouth too. Eventually, I dozed off, and she was able to get some stuff done.

Today, when I woke up, I felt distracted, unfocused, and like I was ready to jump out of my skin. Everything seemed rush rush rush for no reason. This isn't the cloudy or unfocused feeling I get from the fibromyalgia, that feels like an unfocused slow drag where I can't seem to completely wake up despite being full awake. So, needless to say I was a bit unsettled when I was trying to get some things done. 

Eventually I'd had enough. Sitting still and meditating didn't really appeal to me and I had this notion that I might need to try grounding myself. So I googled "grounding gemstones" to see if I had any. I, in fact, do. I have hematite and jasper. Since my hematite is in the bedroom, I grabbed the jasper out of my gemstone bag and just held it.  I also put on quiet, ambient background music, and went about doing some things. 

It helped. I think it works better when I hold it in my hands- right now it is tucked in my bra so I can type and still have skin contact with it. I'm still manic but being able to focus on one thing at a time is such a relief.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Tornado dreams, hiding in the fridge, inspiration and little joys

Throughout my life I've had nightmares about tornadoes, some reoccurring. A lot of the time they were hunting me down and there was no where I could hide. Sometimes they had faces, one had a gazillion eyes that turned into birds. Sometimes there several tornadoes coming for me and no matter where I turned, I couldn't get away. I used to think it was because I grew up in Tornado Alley, a section of the U.S. that has the proclivity for tornadic activity. I've seen their damage first hand and watched one form, do its thing, and dissipate -which for a young teenager stuck in an RV with her Grandparents on our way to Colorado with no place to go, is pretty terrifying. 

Last night I had another tornado dream. But this time I was in a trailer that got picked up, thrown, and somehow everyone inside survived the smash back into the ground. But that wasn't the only unsettling part of the dream, we were hiding from someone and apparently thought crawling into refrigerators and stuffing ourselves in crisper drawers as going to save us. There was something about a bus too. So I looked up the dream intperatation of Tornadoes on this app I have on google. 

To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive? To dream that you are in a tornado, signifies that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. You will be met with a series of disappointments for the next week or so. Your plans will be filled with complications. To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship.  -What Dreams Mean.

Yeah, that's actually spot. I'm not sure I want to buy into the week ahead forecast though. And it make sense for other points in my life when I have had those dreams, especially the people part. 

On a happier note, Amanda and I spent most of yesterday cuddling and watching Anime. It was so nice, even if it was a time suck. I get ridiculously excited, sill, and happy when I watch fluffier anime. But anime in general makes me happy and often gives me some form of inspiration. the one we watched yesterday had an aspiring manga artist in it and we learned a few things about manga construction we didn't know. Well, I'm not manga artist but I have had ideas for a graphic novel and I've always wanted to design my own novel covers. I have also wanted to make something special for Amanda and I started that present last night. I also told her about it- it is a chibi version on her. I sketched it out on canvas last night. I'll remove the pencil smudges and then it will be ready for paint. 


Monday, August 14, 2017

Needy Assholes, weekend of fuck it, and think I'm going to need a special ruler.

After the emotional word vomit of my last post I decided to have a weekend to try and get some shit together, as in to clean the house and then relax. It was Amanda's weekend to work so that makes it a little more difficult, in that she's more worn out. It did not help that the Editorial staff of the paper made a choice that had people calling up to cancel their subscriptions. They put an anti-transgender article written by some religious figure in a column section instead of in the opinion section. And they probably could have avoided the uproar had they prefaced it with something like, "we as a paper believe in free speech and want to let all opinions be heard equally, however this opinion does not reflect the opinions of this paper and its staff".  So, yeah, she got to deal with that shit and since I wasn't feeling good, we kind of said fuck it this weekend. 

We did get the clean clothes hung up and some laundry done. We did tidy up the bedroom. Amanda did the dishes for me while I organized the pantry and she even cooked. All that is left is to clean up the weekend mess in the kitchen, pick up and vacuum the living room, and clean the bathroom. But we can take that slow today. 

We have also been working on a story together and that's been fun and helpful,

Another helpful thing we did to relax, was to finally use the theater gift card a friend gave us for Yule to have a date day. We saw Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, a movie based off a graphic novel series. It had a simple plot, but it was fun. The visuals were really nice, the pacing was smooth, and the characters likeable. My favorite character was Bubble and my next favorite was the converter because it was freaking adorable. 

After the movie we went to a grocery store and decided to have a junk food night. We bought icing for the cakes we have in the pantry- they've been in there forever! We also bought Earth Balance Popcorn (we don't have a microwave and don't want one so when we want popcorn, we have to get it from Rachel or buy it already popped- helps cut down on how much of it we eat). Lastly, we  bought chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I'm not sure how I feel about the ice cream. I don't really eat a lot of sweet stuff and the ice cream seems richer and almost too sweet. It could be the brand. I wouldn't know, I don't get it often enough and when I do, it's typically in blizzard from Dairy Queen, which is almost never. Anway, we took it all home and were going to watch a scary movie to continue day day, but Amanda fell asleep. It was fine.

Our cats were pretty excited that, aside from Amanda going to work and us leaving for the movie, we were home all weekend. Both of them were all over us, Naricsa with her desperate need to lick us, and Thorin's need t curl up under the blankets with us. I generally keep the air conditioner set at 65-70 and since it blows at the sofa, we like to curl up in blankets when we get chilled. Thorin still hasn't managed to figure out that to cover his pee and poo, he simply needs to use the litter. Instead he likes to drag any dirty clothing over and into the litter box or and my personal favorite, he pulls towels down and does the same. He also still hasn't figured out that racing between our feet or cutting us off suddenly while we are walking, is hazardous to his health. He does that weaving between our legs thing too.  One I'm already unsteady with the random moments of vertigo from my meds. Two, if we fall we will get hurt, or squish him. And Three, if he makes me fall, I'm giving him a bath. They were also both into stuff this weekend and I awoke to find the dish we'd put their treat (wet food) in broken on the floor.  It;s a good thing we love them.

Last night I had another wedding nightmare. This time it was realizing that we were only a week away and we didn't have things finished. So, this morning, I decided that I was going to stop waiting on Rachel to let me know when she is ready to show me how to expand a pattern. I can read about it, but I need to see it being done. It finally dawned on me that I could see if there were tutorials on youtube. There are, I'm just not entirely certain it's going to work. The pattern I am using only goes up to size 10-12 (I believe) and I need it to fit size 30-32 (they didn't have it larger, I scoured the pattern drawer it was in). But I have an idea of how I'm going to check to make sure its going to fit.   I am making a bolero for myself and when it is finished, I am making a cloak for Amanda, using a different patter but it needs to be expanded too. But, I think I am going to have to get a style designer ruler because it has the curve edge. Not a problem, Walmart and Joanns both carry them. Oh and I also need to pick up a some sheer, red fabric to add to my dress. I'm doing a simple, temporary overlay that can be easily removed without hurting the dress itself. Basically I'm dressing up the dress for the wedding and dressing it down for more everyday use.    

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Its a lot worse than it looks, 2 months away, where the fuck is the glue?!

There are things I haven't talked about, things that are very serious, things that I've been too afraid to mention to anyone except Amanda. The reasons are that I already vent a lot of my frustrations here and while I have repeatedly stated that this is primarily what this blog is for, I hold back good deal. My perception is that anyone who stumbles across this already thinks I am a wimpy whiny bitch with slight rage issues that can't hack it. Well, maybe, but I think a good deal of it has to deal with some heavy blows that cut a little deeper, or knocked me down a little harder than I was expecting. 

Things are really bad and they have been for a long time, under the surface, and I've hidden as best as I could but ts finally too much again and I'm really cracking. My wedding is 2 months away and I should be excited but most of the time when I think about it, I just cry. My parents reluctance has hurt me really bad. Even after I talked to my Mom and asked point blank if they wanted to come and she said they really truly do, I still feel the hesitancy. I know they feel bad because I bought their tickets, because I am going to have to take care of them while they are here, and so, but isn't that what family is supposed to do? I don't care, I just want want to see them and share this moment with them. I just want to have time to share with them where I live. 

The second part is that I am scared that I am not going to fit into my wedding dress. After the hysterectomy my body changed and my flabby fat stomach shifted downward a little. My core muscles were cut into and were weak.  It's awful. I sometimes get painful rashes between my stomach fat and my thighs. I still have pain in the incision area and it till aches when I go to the bathroom sometimes. My back hurts more. I can't get comfortable standing, sitting, and especially not laying down. Sometimes the dull incessant aches of things drive me crazy and I can't stand it. I've told Amanda a couple of times that if I gain any more weight, I'm just going kill myself because nothing is working and I can't do anything without being in such pain I want to tear my skin off. Sometimes I hit myself because I am so furious with my body. I just want it to give me a little so I can make it better. 

I recently had blood work done and I got my results. My TSH levels were high and I didn't know what that meant, so I looked it up. Apparently it has to do with your thyroid and my levels have all the characteristics or symptoms of Hypothyroidism. To double check the information I was reading, I asked a friend who has thyroid problems. They said, yes, my levels were high and welcome to the "hypo club".  But because I always want to discuss things with my doctor, I decided to see what she said. Only I didn't get to talk to my doctor, her nurse called to give me the results. My anemia is better, but they want send me back to OBGYN to see if my fatigue is hormone related. Why can't she do the tests for that herself? Secondly they want me to watch my sugar intake because my blood sugar was 113 fasting- which is within the normal range and the first blood plannel she did on me a couple of months ago said my A1C was perfect. She said nothing about my thyroid so I asked. the nurse said it wasn't a concern and left it at that. How is it not a concern when on the result it is red marked and there is even a little low-norm-high bar and I'm marked in the high section and according to all the sources Amanda found on the internet, I'm way above where I should be. 

This is so frustrating. It feels like my doctor doesn't want to deal with. That because I am fat, I just need to move. Well, yeah, but if there is something wrong that is keeping me this way, I can move all I want, push myself to keep going, fight through the pain, and it won't do me a damn bit of good. It hasn't so far. The worst part is that I get so overwhelmed and have been told over and over again that if I just lose weight, I won't have issues anymore, that I almost can't bring anything up. Except that if I lose the weight, I will still have a herniated disk and fibromyalgia. Those things affect one of my skinny friends too and she's often been just as miserable with pain and shit as I am. Amanda has decided that I am no longer allowed to go to the doctor without her or her mother to advocate for me because I can't seem to do so for myself. As much as that is a relief, it scares me. My doctor will want to up my depression meds or switch them and if we do that, I'm going to gain more weight. it happens every time. 

When I write this stuff out, it seems to stupid and the rational part of my brain says, it's going to be okay, one step at time, don't give up, you can do this. But none of this stops for me. I can distract myself. I can focus or try to focus  on other things but something will hurt, or I will move wrong, or a random thought will pop into my head, or I will be trying to set up a wedding party planning meeting, or even trying to clean my house, and I just- the depression monster slips in like a sly bitch and whispers a little something and I just can't. Its driving me crazy. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I look at the mess my house has become and instantly feel guilt for not feeling up to cleaning it, because that means I'm not contributing. I feel even worse when I have thoughts like "I actually need help with this, I'm overwhelmed". The last time I vacuumed, which I have been told not to do on account of my back, I over did it and hurt myself. It makes me so angry. I like cleaning my house and I can't do it on my own anymore and I'm fucking 33 years old. I've lost so much control and independence that I'm desperately clinging to any that I have left. I keep telling myself it could be worse, but that's hardly an uplifting thought. 

I'm right back to the point where I have panic attacks so bad, Amanda want to take me to the hospital.  I'm right back to having thoughts that I am a burden, a parasite, and I'm so tired to fighting to try to stay more positive and make myself get out of bed and do something productive, even something that makes me happy, that sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake back up. I have these awful random thoughts of cutting my fat off with scissors to get the weight off just so I can get some relief. It is really and truly bad and I'm scared. I think the only reasons I haven't ended it, is because I don't want my parents to outlive anther kid, or to leave Amanda alone, or my cats, and I don't want to make my friends sad. 

I am trying. I'm using coping techniques that I got from my therapist. I am doing some things that I enjoy to help inspire my creativity, that make me happy or excited, and I am taking time for myself and saying to some things. I even cancelled a meeting with my wedding party because the house isn't clean (it needs picked up, dusted, swept an vacuumed), I knew Amanda and I were both too tired and or sore to get it done in time. I also didn't think I could handle several people at once an certainly did not want to have a cry in front of them.         

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Doctor's appointment, needing Tomoe, panic and talking to parental units, and thrifting!

Tomoe from Kamisama Kiss
Had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and it went fairly well. I've lost 8 pounds, however, my blood pressure was higher than the time before. I'm sure the screaming headache, stress over the wedding and other things going on, in addition to feeling like I'd run full speed into a brick wall didn't help any of that. We talked at length about the vegetarian diet. The verdict: my doctor isn't sure she wants me eating a vegetarian diet because I was so anemic before. However, she's ordered up a full blood panel to check thyroid, A1C- well everything to be sure. She also said that on the off chance that everything looks normal, she will send me back over to OBGYN to make them do a hormonal check just to make sure that we're not missing something. On top of that, she said as I lose weight and my blood pressure lowers, the mottling in my legs should go away. To help that, she's giving me a water pill for a little while. So, at this point, I just need to do my fasting blood work tomorrow morning and wait to see the results. Oh and she doesn't want me doing any more exercise than I am comfortable with- as in don't exhaust myself- and to eat more than three times a day. Which I have been doing pretty good with on my own anyway, especially lately.

Still Tomoe
During my doctor's appointment, I started not feeling good and just figured that I needed to get home and get some lunch. However, as I was driving home, I wasn't so sure. I wasn't hungry but I felt awful and realized that I was starting to panic.  I thought if I can just get home, I can deal with this, but if I have to, I will pull over. No sense in endangering myself and others for no good reason. Well, I made it and as soon as I got inside my apartment, I grabbed a bottle of juice and sat at my desk. I thought I was going to be okay but I was mistaken and all hell broke lose in my head. 

Amanda had taken a sick day because she wasn't feeling good and I am so glad she did. It was like the Gods and universe was telling us we needed to be together that day. I had one of my really bad panic attacks, the kind where Amanda starts talking about taking me to the hospital but I freak out more because I can't handle being away from home at that moment, but at the same time she's scared and trying to get me to breathe and drink water, and keep me from clawing the skin off my chest because I can't breathe. I don't remember a lot of what was said or how long I was panicking, but of what I do remember was  that Amanda didn't deserve to see it or have to deal with it. I remember telling her that I was sorry. 

Somehow, don't remember how or when, Amanda got me on the bed, turned on the fan, and got me a cold wash cloth and water. She also found my xanax and for a little while I might have napped. Not too long though, she made us lunch. I ended up calling my Mom because during the panic attack I had been asking for my Mom and Amanda tried calling her. The last thing my parents need to hear is me having a horrible panic attack via voice mail so I wanted to tell my Mom not to listen to it and just delete it right away. I told her what had happened and I was much better and things were okay. Of course she wanted to know what was going on. 

Xanax is nice sometimes because it is very numbing and I don't tend to care so much or rather worry about being so blunt. So first I asked my Mom point blank if she and Dad actually wanted to come to the wedding. Mom was a bit shocked. She said they really do want to come but they feel awful because they don't have money to help or even really a gift. I don't care about that stuff. My Mom doesn't have a dress- I told her we would start looking for what she wanted and even take her dress shopping when she got here. She's also worried about putting us out as far as food goes because she needs soft food. No problems there, I can make her soup, mashed potatoes, soft casseroles, ect. Both of my parents loathe flying, but they will do it. And Dad might actually have a shot at a full time job which is amazing, but he's worried they either won't hire him or not let him have time off to come up. So, as usual, they didn't want to make a promise they couldn't keep. But they don't really understand that in doing that, it's almost, if not, more hurtful than disappointing me. 

We moved on to other issues like my stupid shoes, my doctor's appointment, Amanda sticking up for me with a friend, some other friend troubles I've been having and so on. It was a good call. 

Amanda's parents were coming for dinner that night and also to talk to us about something you just don't talk about over the phone. We ended up going to Torrid to pick up an order we'd placed and introduced Amanda's Mom to the store. She got a couple of really cute dresses. Then we went to the thrift store wherein Amanda found an Octopus cup for herself and a fox cup for me. I found this:

It is a creamer cup from a red glass Avon collection from ages ago. I've been collecting red glass drink ware and have been wanting to collect this particular series of Cape Cod dishes. However, it is expensive and so I'm getting it piecemeal at thrift stores where it is vastly cheaper. I think I paid a $1.50 for this piece. But if I am honest, I had started collecting the Johnson Brothers Willow Blue dishes as well. 

 I also found a Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit, movie edition game. I can't wait to play it!

The news Amanda's parents needed to tell us was about Amanda's older trans (was male) sister. I told Amanda as much as I loathe what her sister and now ex-sister-in-law did to her parents, we really do need to just put all of that aside and get in contact with her. Part of that is to give comfort and to heal a relationship between Amanda and her sister that Amanda has mourned for a long time. The other part is to make sure that said sister doesn't fuck over their parents again. 


I've been posting pictures of Tomoe from Kamisama Kiss in this this blog post because for the last couple of days, when I am upset, I've turned on Kamisama Kiss, just to see him. He makes me happy. He's a cute, pissy, Kitsune. Kamisama Kiss is also lighter anime, Shoujo meaning that it is geared toward a female audience with a focus on personal and romantic relationships. As much as I love my intense, dark, and even cerebral anime, every once in awhile I just want fluff. Anyway, I adore watching him with Nanami and the other characters. They are a lot of fun and helped me feel better.
For those wondering, Roy Mustang from Fullmetal Alchemist is still my all time favorite! 

Monday, July 31, 2017

Nope! This just isn't working.

I know I don't get everything I want. I know it doesn't hurt me to want. I've been told "No" so many times in my life that when someone says it, it doesn't really bother me and I am quite comfortable doing without, waiting, or working really hard to get what I want myself. My patience is limited but at the same time large in quantity. I am also pretty resilient most of the time and pretty adaptable. However, today is not my day. 

I don't think my parents actually want to come to my wedding. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know where I went wrong. Did I really ask too much?

I was never able to get the wedding dress I wanted for lack of funds, sewing experience, and so on. Amanda and I did the best we could with that we had and I am readjusting to make it amazing despite that but it is still a bit upsetting and kind of a disappointment. I'm pretty sure that everyone else will be better dressed than me and look really good in what they will be wearing. I am hugely fat so nothing looks good on me no matter how hard I try. 

I've been fighting with leg swelling since before my hysterectomy and it's only within the last few days that I've had normal sized legs and feet- they looked mottled by the way for which I am talking to my doctor about, could just be from the fibromyalgia but just in case I want her to look at everything. I ordered a size larger than I wear for shoes for my wedding got a decently priced pair even. As in mine were more affordable than Amanda's and hers were even decently priced. Anyway, they arrived today and they don't fit. Amanda and Rachel could put them on, they were snug on them, but for having normal sized feet for once, for my feet being smaller than Amanda's, but I couldn't get my feet in them. 

Why must everything I do or try to do or every "should be beautiful" life event in my life be met with struggle and tears. Why do I have to fight all the time? 

Its not totally doom and gloom. I have some pretty great friends who are making this whole event for Amanda and I not a total wash. I can't even express how much I appreciate and love them for that. I think if it weren't for Amanda and my friends, I don't know that I could do any of it. 

They are so pretty! Morning Panic and if you can, do.

Recently Amanda and I have caught up on Junjo Romantica, a boys love/yaoi series. If you like fluff and mild angst- and by mild I mean a hell of a lot lighter than anything you will see in Game of Thrones- and like cute anime boys like we do, you might give it a go. I pretty much giggle, squee, and get really wrapped up in the romance and cuteness of the show. I cry "YES!" every time a kiss I have been waiting for happens or coo with giddy delight when there is an 'I love you' spoken. No, really, it's kind of ridiculous. 

Well, this weekend we happened to see another boys love/ perhaps yaoi anime called Yuri on Ice, that pretty much made me do the same things. I'm not really a sports anime fan, but this was figure skating. Normally just watching figure skating can move me to tears because I find it really beautiful. I also love figure skating because a lot of the time the skaters will pick lovely music to preform to and I can get carried off by music faster than anything. So, on top of this anime being figure skating, and boys love/ perhaps yaoi, there was great music and the animation was fantastic! I can't wait to see the next season and the movie when they come out. 

Our friends, a pair of twins we've known for years, were the ones who showed us this anime. We went down to see them this weekend and to talk about bachelorette party stuff. While we were there, I got to talking to one of the twins about being really tempted to get a crunchyroll account so I can watch more anime, but at the same time being afraid to do so because then I would just watch anime all day. She asked me why, because if I can do it, then do it. I replied with 'because I'm supposed to be writing a novel'. 

This is one of those things wherein I struggle on a couple of fronts. Firstly, I spent too much time arguing over what to watch with friends and even Amanda, that I eventually gave up and just watched what everyone else wanted to watch so the sake of accommodation and so we wouldn't spend more time looking for something instead of watching something. That ate a lot of time that I never really felt I had. Secondly, time is something I have a problem with, in that all the things I love to do take time and there are only so many hours in the day and like it or not, I do have to sleep sometime. Last but not least, it is easier to people please and unintentionally kill my own joys than fight with people and try to come to compromise. You'd think over a silly little thing as something to watch that's stupid but when you get really worn out or just don't have the spoons to deal, saying 'sure' takes less energy. I've been working on standing my ground because I need those little joys. Something as silly and simple as a movie or an anime series of my choosing makes me really happy and often gives me inspiration for other things. 

So while I was having a good time, yesterday morning's panic attack took me by surprise. I woke up in pain, as I typically do, but I was hurting a little more than usual and while I was getting dressed I started to cry and panic. Amanda wanted to know what was going on and I told her it was because I was hurting. But I managed to get calmed down and took some Alieve. It doesn't kill the pain, but it can sometimes take enough of the edge off, to make things bearable, and unlike prescription pain meds and muscle relaxers, it doesn't leave my brain fogged more than I sometime am anyway, or knock me out. 

Aside from that we are home again. I haven't slept yet because I started getting some things in order and or ready for this week. A couple of things are out of the way already and then I decided to clean out email and so on. Amanda and I started working on a story together so I spent a little time on it before I realized what time it was. At that point, I said screw it, I have to take Amanda to work anyway, might as well wait to sleep until after.  Even if I I sleep for 4-5 hours, I'll still wake up in time to get some stuff done before Amanda gets home from work.    

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Bad moments in quiet days with some happier stuff.

The last several days despite being relatively quiet and low key, have not been easy. 

Thursday I attempted to clean my house. I have been doing a little better and gotten a little strength back so I mistakenly thought I could spend all day scrubbing my kitchen and sweeping. I mistakenly thought I could pick up the living room and vacuum too and then go make dinner on top of it. 
I fucked up.

Thursday night we had some friends over for dinner. I spent the entire time in pain, wanting to cry more out of frustration than because of how much I was hurting. Anyway, one friend stayed over and while we had to go to bed sooner than we would have liked, it was still a lot of fun having her for a visit. I took her home after I picked Amanda up from work on Friday, after which, Amanda and I went to a vegan restaurant on the South Hill. Cashew cheese is interesting and too bad. I don't know how I feel about vegan bacon though. 

Saturday was hard. We went to our meeting with the apartment managers. Because of their new tax credit deal with the state or government or whatever, not only do they want to verify what's in our bank accounts for the last 6 months, but they want to know if we have any stocks, bonds, savings accounts, other assets, and all about Amanda's 401k and so on. Also they want to know exactly how far in the disability application process I am in because if I get it, we will 'make' too much money to live here. As it stands with everything they want, it feels very much like a vast invasion of privacy and that we will be told to move out anyway. Or, if we do get to stay, then we will be forced to sign a year long lease, which complicates things because we are looking to get a house. They also said it would take them a month to determine whether or not we will be able to stay. I am beyond frustrated and don't really know what to do at this point. I walked away with a developing migraine. 

Amanda and I went to brunch at Denny's after that and that was shit. Since my headache was worse, we just went home and went to bed. Then we got up for a bit and got ready to go for a potluck get-to-know-you kind of dinner with our friend Chris. Except I only made it as far as Yokes before I had to turn around and come home. I got sick and I had a horrible panic attack. It was a bad one. Amanda grabbed us some food and we curled up for the night. 

Sunday we ventured out to the grocery store and to look at a couple of thrift stores, but I'd hurt my back cleaning on Thursday it was hard to walk around a lot I actually had to ask the walmart greeter if there was a scooty cart down at the other entrance of the store. She had to radio down for one. On the plus side, Amanda found me a pair of shoes that have decent arch support.

Yesterday, I slept most of the day and the same can be said for today.  I've been very tired. My back and I are fighting and I can't lift my right leg up without wanting to punch something and cry. Both knees have been giving me grief lately and my Achilles tendons have been as well. I also hurt my wrist pushing myself up in bed several nights ago. Thankfully that is better today. 

But, the bodily pain, as frustrating as all is, isn't what's tearing me apart right night. It isn't what made me look at Amanda and tell her "you're not here all the time to watch me" during one of my really horrible panic attacks followed by an exhausting hopeless crying episode. Physical pain isn't completely what made me tell her that I also asked her to take me to the hospital this weekend because I was so upset and depressed that I didn't trust myself with, well, myself. That scares me, especially since I thought I was doing so much better. I had a new antidepressant that was working great. I changed my diet. I'd tried yoga, liked it, and we are going to sign up for more classes plus I've been helping our friend Rachel with her kettle corn. I did really well with my first couple of freelance transcription jobs with Rev. I only made 3 dollars, but it was 3 I didn't have before.  I have severe depression and anxiety, I know this, I expected some pills and changes in lifestyle aren't cure alls, but I wasn't expecting such a horrible smack in the face and worse, I don't know particular issue(s) are the cause.  That only makes all of it that much more frustrating. I thought I was passed all of darker than black shit. Looks like my depression monster doesn't want to give me up so easily. The fucker.

The good news is, I've made our handfasting cord, we've ordered our cake topper, shoes, some jewelry, and something to make our wedding favors. We are still working on the invitations but they are almost half finished. 

Saturday, July 15, 2017

I shouldn't have to beg for this.

The clock is ticking downward day by day toward Amanda's and my wedding. The dresses are bought- although not completely finished- the guest list has been made, wedding party and duties designated, and the mock up of the wedding invitations finalized. It's going to be a very small affair and despite the lack of funds to do a dream wedding, we've got amazing friends who are helping us make it as lovely and perfect as possible. Not that either of us really want for much. Which brings me to the thing I wanted the most, my parents to be there.

My friend Rachel made that possible by buying my parents plane tickets. The stipulation was that I help her when she needed it at farmer's markets, which to be honest, I would have done for free any way if asked. That aside, to make sure this was going to work, I called ahead and asked my parents if this was okay, if they would come, and was given a green light. The tickets were bought and for the last month I have been helping Rachel out and have almost paid off the tickets.

So what's wrong? I spent more than a year, more like two agonizing- which seems like a strong word, but it depicts exactly how upset I have been over whether or not my parents would be there- over this issue. I've talked about paying for half their way, paying for all of it. I've politely asked. I've told them it's all I want. I've even basically, in as nice as way as possible, put my foot down and read my Dad the riot act to which he said he might be able to come up with a miracle to make it happen. Well, a miracle happened and things were really looking up. I was finally giving myself over to all the silly excitement and then my Mom mentioned something in yesterday's phone conversation about Grandma.

My parents are not doing well financially. They spend over 800 dollars in medication every month. My Dad doesn't always make enough money to pay rent and sometimes they have to ask my Grandparents for help. I know it kills my Dad to ask. I know he had ideas and principals in him where he feels like a failure and him not being able to provide completely twists him up. Both my parents have depression and pride issues. That's where I get. They will do what they can to help others before helping themselves. Which is why they are staying in Kansas instead of moving up here where there the job market is better and where they can live with us- rent free- for as long as they need. They won't leave Grandma and Grandpa. Which I wholeheartedly understand, especially since my Dad's sister wants to just throw them in a nursing home and leave it at that. Anyway, apparently Grandma has been getting after my Dad to find a different job since this one just isn't working out the way it was supposed it. Dad was promised certain things that just don't seem to be happening. Not his fault. Shit happens. Well, Mom said Dad can't get a new job now because he's coming to the wedding and they can't tell Grandma that because I don't want Grandma to know I am getting married. It is a religious issue- it would kill her if she knew it wasn't a Christian wedding. Then she said that she and my Dad feel like assholes that I'm running myself ragged so they can be here for my wedding. I told them not to, but my mom said they just do.

I kind of brushed that off and puttered along. Then Mom called today to ask me if something were to happen, if Dad got a new job and couldn't come, or if after her biopsy she couldn't travel, could she give the extra ticket to my Cousin Shi-Chan. I agreed, of course, I love my Shi-chan and it would be fantastic to have her here. But there is a problem with this. 1st, I'm scared about this black spot in my mom's mouth that she needs a biopsy on. 2nd, I'm really worried that's she's already decided that its going to be horrible, life threatening news and is planning to not be able to come to the wedding because- and she didn't say it but it was implied- undergoing chemo therapy. 3rd, I am a bit pissed that it is implied that I have trapped my Dad into the job he's currently working for the next three months and not able to do what he needs to find another one. 4th, I'm pissed that these seem like excuses to not to come.

You know, I should not have to beg my parents, who say they want to come, to come to my wedding. They do not have a problem with my being pagan. They do not have a problem with me being in a lesbian relationship. They don't even have a problem with me getting married. So why the fuck can't they just swallow their fucking pride and come up? That's the best gift they could ever give me. But I have beg? I have tried not to be pushy or selfish. I have let it go when they actually HAD money to come visit and didn't come see me up here. I've never ever been upset about having to drop everything and fly down to look after my Mom so Dad could work. I didn't even think twice about it, I just went, because they asked and because I was worried and wanted to help.

Fuck! At this point, my wedding has lost all of its excitement, all of its joy. I just want to get the paperwork from the city, have my officiant do a quick private ceremony, sign the paperwork, and then go on my honeymoon. If its not important enough for my parents, then it must not be that big of a deal period. So why put all this fuss and effort into it when I'm just going to be miserable all day that they aren't going to be there or that only one of them is. That's not fair to my friends who are putting time and energy into it. It's not fair to Amanda. And its not fucking fair to me. So fuck it. 

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Territory, Warm Mochi, and Shit!

Don't fuck with my friends!

Mostly people, if they are paying attention, can pick up that I am territorial. I'm territorial of my space, sometimes my time, and most certainly of my family and loved ones. I can be territorial of my friends too, but mostly, I'm super protective and that's not something I share often, because as Fiona remarked once, I can get really intense. Of course, I don't think Fiona has ever had someone get really fucking angry over how certain people in her life treat her. 

So, while I have been helping Rachel with her kettle corn stand at the farmer's markets, I've done a lot of people watching. People are so fucking snooty and rude. Yesterday some woman gave Rachel a dirty look and she said something to me about it. I was in the middle of eating my lunch of mushroom, carrots, the apple cinnamon oatmeal cup thing I made, and one Mochi. Mochi is a Japanese sweet treat made of rice flower and sweet red bead curd in the middle. Since it was warm out, so too was the Mochi. Anyway, I asked Rachel if she wanted me to go throw my Mochi at the woman. I told her I couldn't guarantee that I'd actually hit her, but I'd give it my best shot. She thought that was funny. But I was hot, tired, aching, and had run through most of my "nice, pleasant, polite, sweetness" that I generally endeavor to operate on. Point of fact, put me out in summer heat, in mostly direct, bright sunlight, lots of noise, screaming/ whining children, and barking dogs, then add rude people into that, and I start getting cranky. Mostly it's the heat and sunlight. I hate being hot and I have a sensitivity to light plus the stupid sun allergy and no that's not me simply being Goth and Vampire centric. That's me being cranky and pissed that someone was giving my friend a dirty look.

I had another moment of that today while I was covering another farmer's market for Rachel. She had something she had to do today so she prepopped or me last night and dropped me and the stuff off today. Well, an old man was bitching and actually said he was going to have to get after Rachel for there being burnt kernels of kettle corn in every bag he picked up. Okay, no. The kernels weren't burnt. They were barely brown and if he really had a problem with it, I would have happily handed his money back to him. It wasn't really what he said, it was how he said it. But since this is Rachel's business, I plastered a smile on my face and mentally punched him. 

As the afternoon wore on, I ended up taking out the notebook in my purse and started working on scenarios in which I worked the snoots into a story idea in which they met a grisly end or unfavorable fate. It was a great way to vent my frustration and pass the time. The market was slow. Really slow. Slow enough that I was able to read 30 pages in novel, people watch, and write short bits.

The really shit parts of my day consisted of listening to my Dad vent about my Mom and knowing exactly how he feels and at the same time knowing that on some level my Mom can't help some of it. Still, when you are there, dealing with it, it gets very overwhelming.  Then I got a letter in the mail about my student loans informing me that I have to pay a portion or all of the interest by July 31st and I just got them deffered because I can't pay them at the moment. I haven't had a chance to read the letter in detail, I just skimmed through it. And I got a big packet from them too, which makes me nervous. I am still having pains in my stomach around the surgery incisions. Surely I should be completely healed up in that department by now.

On a happier note I got to cuddle with Thorin for quite a while this morning. He was by the door when I got home too.  Tomorrow I am going to do some stuff for me while I recuperate from the last two days. I was thinking about setting up on the sofa to watch anime and cuddle with the cats. I thought about keeping the curtains closed and turning the air conditioner down to about 65 so I could curl up with a soft blanket and pillows too. I have Green Tea ice cream and Sangria sorbet for treats if I want something sweet. Oh and I made bread the other night, so I can make grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch! 

Monday, July 10, 2017

I made stuff, migraine, fatigue, bad sleep, and cuddly cats

Remember that picture I posted of myself the other day. Well, this one is a better one in my opinion. 

I have been pretty busy these last several days. We went shopping at Fred Meyer for groceries and then we checked out a new store called My Fresh Basket. It opened up in Kendall Yards. My Fresh Basket a bit pretentious but they do have some specialty things that we haven't found elsewhere. I bought a bar of Sandalwood soap as a treat.  Anyway, because we have adopted a new food diet, I made sure we had plenty of fruits and veggies, which meant that I was in the kitchen cutting, slicing, and chopping- doing food prep- pretty much most of the weekend. When I wasn't doing that, I was cooking or baking. I made a peach pie and a Strawberry pie- both of which have been eaten. Last night I made eggplant parm without the parm. I also decided to make my own Popsicles. The above was supposed to be strawberry pomegranate but I forgot the pomegranate.   

This one is lavender lemonade with real lavender. I also used some of my lavender syrup, not a lot. 

Here is peach pineapple.

And this is vanilla matcha. I have a vanilla coffee syrup and I used just a little to sweeten the matcha.

I have been very exhausted the last several days. I have trouble focusing and staying awake sometimes and others I feel sick. At night I've had some trouble sleeping in bed again and end up on the sofa. Today, I woke with a migraine and it only grew worse as the day progressed. Thankfully, after some coffee, alieve, and laying down for a bit, its disappeared. However, I tried to make vegan apple cinnamon breakfast cups and misread the recipe for lack of being able to focus, and put in too much vanilla. Amanda had to take over for me and double the recipe. That did the trick. I decided to make bread today. It has been rising a little longer than usual, but I need it to double in size and with the air conditioner going, it's been a slow process. 

I am a bit annoyed with my Mom. I called to talk yesterday and during our conversation she informed me that I wasn't going to lose weight just because I decided to go vegetarian. Um, thanks. What the fuck?! I don't get it. We were vegetarian for a whole year when I was a kid. They still cook stuff from the vegetarian cookbooks they have, granted it's not much, but still. Plus me being vegetarian affects her in no way except for the the week or so she and Dad will be visiting in October. If she's worried that I am going to become one of those self important, high horse, condemn you for eating meat vegetarians, she's mistaken AND she should know me better than that. More importantly, I should have to feel that I have to justify myself for trying to see if this will be better for me health wise and reduce my physical pain.

On a much happier note, my cats have been very cuddly lately. Even Narcisa. She actually let me lay my head lightly on her last night. She even purred! 

Saturday, July 8, 2017

A book to bitch about and the reviews I cannot understand but somehow give me hope in an uncomfortable sort of way.

I just finished reading the above pictured book, Princess Dracula by John Patrick Kennedy... 

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised, I knew going into this that it was 1. a self published novel and 2. probably not going to be the best writing. Still there were some good ratings, anyone that knows me knows I like vampire movies and books, and I've been wanting to read some self published work because there are decent authors self publishing all the time. Oh and I liked the synopsis of the story. 

Well within the first 3 pages of the book I found the first of many typos. I thought, okay, no big deal even the best editor miss a few in the mainstream publishing houses. But it wasn't just typos, the actual writing wasn't very good. Still, I have a policy to stick with a book for at least 50 pages because you never know, it might just be a rocky start and then it will pick up. 

At page 70 I felt like the best of the novel had already happened in the beginning and it was a struggle to keep reading. Amanda had picked it up- because I left it in the bathroom- and skimmed through it and didn't seem all that impressed. So, I just decided to skim through. I wasn't really missing much as it turned out. Honestly, I was glad to be done with it so I could move on to something else. 

I posted a review and gave a 1 star rating on Goodreads (1 star means I didn't like it), and said that an editor or even beta reader could and and would have caught the typos. I did add that I thought the idea was good. What I didn't say was that most of the book sucked or that "dude should have edited his own work before ever thinking about pushing it through createspace to be published through amazon". Look, I know that I don't edit my blog posts very often and that's totally me being lazy or rushed, but they are blog posts. If I were trying to publish a novel, I would edit the fuck out of it, give it to a couple of friends, and then give it to Amanda as a last run through regardless if I was sending it to an agent or editor of a publishing house or self publishing it. 

Anyway, I was curious to see how Mr. Kennedy got his reviews, if the bag were lumped in with the good to help him sell more books. As it turns out he has tons of 5 and 4 star reviews on Goodreads and even more 3 star reviews. So, I went to see what these people were saying and promptly started banging my head on my desk in complete frustration. Someone actually gave him high praise because it was a great story and she should know because she'd read tons of vampire books. Has she? Has she really? Because while I haven't read tons, I've read several that are leaps and bounds better in story and execution. 

In the end, in an uncomfortable sort of way, I suppose this sort of thing gives me hope. If something like Princess Dracula can gain so many good reviews even as riddled with errors, plot holes, and bad writing, maybe I could get good reviews too? Or possibly get published? Who knows? 

Friday, July 7, 2017

Food Truck, Brewery, Fat Girl Yoga, House meeting, and date day.

Today, or rather yesterday, was an eventful day. You'll have to excuse me, I'm typing this sans glasses because I left them in the bedroom when I came out to make myself some Sleepytime tea, because I can't get my brain to shut the fuck up. We have to be up early in the morning else I would just take some melatonin and call it good. Anyway, since I can't sleep, I thought I would tell you about this day I had. 

Firstly, I think it was the first day this summer that we have had 100 degree F weather. Words cannot express my disdain for that kind of heat. My happy place it right around 65 degrees F. In fact, The fact that I enjoy it and snicker wickedly while my friends are donning hoodies and blankets while visiting makes all the more pleasurable. 

Secondly, I had a hell of a time staying awake yesterday morning. I even fell asleep reading subtitles on an anime I was watching while drinking coffee. That almost never happens. So, I gave up and went to the bedroom for a nap. I even asked a friend to call me if I wasn't online by a certain time. Thorin was only too thrilled for a morning nap and curled up with me. He was not, however, happy with my new obnoxious alarm. 

During the main part of the day, I chatted with a couple of people via phone and also tried to get some stuff together for the meeting we are having today with a guy in the 1st time home buyer's program. Then my friend Rachel swung by to pick me up, we went to the park and ride to get my car, and headed downtown to pick up Amanda from work. From there we located the Fat Girl Yoga studio and went on a hunt for food. Rachel saw one of the food trucks she's friends with in the food truck association and we pulled over for that. 

I had the Tex Mex Quesadilla because it was the only vegetarian thing on the menu I could eat. The Thai burrito with tofu sounded great, but I have a peanut allergy. It was really good! The food truck was called Crate and they were parked in the Bellwether Brewing Co's parking lot, I guess to help them drum up some more business. 

So, we took our food inside and tried Bellwether's mead. This mead was made of honey, mushrooms, and dandelion root. It was good too, although once Amanda learned that it had mushrooms in it, she liked it a little less. She hates mushrooms. 

Next up was our free introductory class at Fat Girl Yoga. It wasn't a very long class and for all my bodily troubles such as: hurting my knee recently, the herniated disk in my lower back, and fibro, and a recent hysterectomy, I did pretty well. I did everything everyone else was doing, maybe not fully because well, I am fat as fuck, out of shape as fuck, and it was first time. I learned a few things. 1. I need a sports bra because I do not enjoy smothering myself in my double d boobs. 2. I don't really need glasses to do yoga, especially when they want to slide down my nose from the sweat. 3. I like it despite the fact that my body shakes in a way that's kind of nerve wracking and despite that my legs don't like to stay straight. 4. I do better with the on the floor poses than the standing poses. and 5. I could stand up straight when we left to come home, straighter than I have in a long time without leaning one way or the other. Rachel already signed up for 3 more classes. Amanda and I are going to do the same today. There weren't a lot of people, the instructor was really nice and not a twig, and it's a very relaxed, easy going atmosphere.

Later today, after I have slept, and we have gone to our house meeting, we are going on a date. The plan was to go to the movies, but the only movie I want to see- okay there are two- isn't out yet. I want to see Valerian and The City of a Thousand Planets. Guardian's of the Galaxy 2 we will see this Wednesday at the Garland. So, I suppose we will just go to lunch, then run a couple of errands, maybe check out an interesting new grocery store we saw today, and hit up Red Box for a couple of movies. Honestly, I am expecting to hurt more later today than I am hurting now. Yes, I am feeling the aches from doing yoga. I took some Alieve and my tea is has kicked in a little, so I'm off to bed.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Strange things afoot, happy puzzling things, and not so nice things

Not sure if I mentioned this before, but our friend Rachel watched a disturbing documentary called What the Health on Netflix here at our house. One could claim it a documentary that totes the vegan agenda, but I'm not so sure, not when I've had a previous doctor talk about a couple of the things that were mentioned in the film. The film mostly talks about how meat and dairy affect our bodies and what happens when you stop eating those things. Yesterday, we watched a supporting film at her house called Vegucation, and that one you kind of need to be prepared for or skip some of the farm scenes because it is graphic. The vicious animal abuse the food industry gets away with is criminal. I've been to a farm many times growing up and I know it is possible to treat animals with respect and kindness, even if they are being raised for sustenance, so I was a bit shocked by just how horrible animals are being treated in the big industry farms. This film deals with the meat and dairy industry primarily. Since Amanda and I both love animals and have both been vegetarian in our younger years,  we decided become so again. Amanda wants to push toward being a vegan but I'm not quite there. I could give up milk just fine, its the butter and cheese I'm worried about. We are going to try a few substitutes though. 

While out to dinner with Amanda's cousin from Seattle and his family, he asked about when we are going to be in Seattle for our honeymoon in October. We didn't know exact dates just yet because we are still trying to finalize what all we are going to do, but we gave him a rough estimate. He said as soon as we know, let him know and where we would like to stay because he and his wife want to cover our hotel stay. I was shocked. I wanted to cry. I'm not used to people outside of my family doing such tremendous things for me or us and when they do I always wonder why. A couple of friends let us stay with them when Amanda was starting to work at the paper just until we could get into an apartment. They helped us move our furniture even. But its not just these big things, its the little things too. I don't know how I'm going to repay these wonderful people. 

In other news, my therapist stumbled on a place in town called Fat Girl Yoga and thought of me. The first class is free so she wanted to know if I would try it. I went to the website and looked at it and signed up for the first class. I also got Amanda signed up and showed my friend Chris and my friend Rachel. They are signed up too. I figure, heck yeah, I'll do it. Chris and I have been wanting to get Yoga started together for awhile, this just might jump start us. Also, I can ask some questions and see about what not to do in regards to my back. 

Lastly, another group of kids have been on our patio, this time to play with some of our stuff. Since we've already had a pumpkin stolen (which was why we decided not to plant them this year), we aren't going to put up with that crap. I scared the little brat who was trying to make off with our watering can and glared at her older sister who was heading over with some attitude. She shut her mouth quick and pulled her sister away. Definitely going to speak to the office about this. None of these kids have boundaries and none of the parents around here seem to care. My parents would have kicked my ass for this crap when I was growing up and no because they were strict, but for respect for others and their property. 

One final note, for my American friends, I hope you all had a happy and safe 4th of July! We ended the day by driving up a mountain high enough that we could see the fireworks from downtown Spokane and the ones in Airway Heights. Two shows plus what everyone else was shooting off for nothing. Then we sat in the dark to admire the twinkling lights of the city and the stars. The moon was so bright! It was awesome!     

Monday, July 3, 2017

Background nostalgia, angry sass, and what the fuck was that?!

Lately, as in within the last week or so, Amanda and I have begun our mornings with coffee and watching NHK World. Generally we get half an hour of news and then half an hour of whatever program comes on before or after it- just kind of depends on when we turn on the TV. Then she heads off to work and I leave the channel on in the background while I either take a nap or begin puttering about the house doing whatever it is I need to do. Sometimes I just sit and watch it for a little bit. But I was trying to figure out why I like having it on so much, I mean other than the channel having news I can actually stand and some interesting programs about Japan and Japanese culture. While I was in the bathroom today, I could hear it and realized after I had an odd memory tug, that it is nostalgia. It is summer, the air conditioner is making the house pleasantly cold, and the sound of a news caster filling the house reminds me of summers growing up. My Mom used to watch the news at noon before her soap operas came on for the afternoon. Our house nearly always felt cold and it was nice because I could curl up with a blanket and pillow and just be. So, in this sense, I suppose its a comfort.

This weekend I let some of my normally restrained sass out. I was saying all manner of things. It happens when I get pissed. Aside from hurting my knee, my heel cracked, and the damned neighbor kids were driving me nuts. Now, instead of just ripping up the grass and throwing it and twigs at my patio door, they are banging on the glass. All day the other day they were doing it no matter how many times I asked them to stop. I told them they could look at the kitties but they had to stay off the patio. I was ignored. After about three times of asking them to go away, I snapped at them. It didn't help. The lady who watches them wasn't doing anything and at the advice of Chris, I will be filing a formal complaint. My agitation continued througout the day and into the next. I also had some weird ass dreams that unsettled me and I don't remember why. I know that the Queen of England and Benedict Cumberbatch was in one dream and there was something to do with WW2, and a table in a room with markers and construction paper. I am still bothered by it. 

Yesterday was better. Amanda and I had a bit of a lazy day. She did some laundry and made us breakfast and we both made dinner. I made some no bake cookies with sunflower butter and we watched a comedian on Netflix. I started an anime but ended up turning it off to go to bed early. By that, I mean I laid on the bed and played with Thorin for a little bit. That's where I got myself into some trouble. Amanda came in and wanted me to move so we could put the clean sheets on. I had been laying on my stomach and as I rolled, sat up and started to slide off the bed (our bed is up high) I had one of the most horrible pains throughout my middle that I have ever felt. I can't even really describe it except that it was so bad I wanted to vomit and got that cold clammy pass out feeling. It subsided a little after a few minutes, but I was so sore after that I could't get comfortable in bed. I ended up sleeping on the sofa, which sucked. I still don't know what the hell happened. I feel better today. My friend Chris thinks I pulled some muscles. Could be. 

The good news for today is that I did my hair and make up today. I haven't felt up to doing either in awhile. I also signed up for Fat Girl Yoga, the first class is free. I figure that will give me enough of an idea of whether or not I can do it to see if I want to continue on and register for more classes. I also figure it will give me an idea of how best to position myself so I don't hurt myself. Other than that, my friend Chris is coming over for dinner tonight and we may or may not paint. 

Thursday, June 29, 2017

2 hours, tears, frustration

Yesterday was not my favorite day. I was so tried and never really felt like I woke up. Thank's fibro fog, you're just a gem. Anyway, I decided to back away from the computer and scrap doing anything productive, to sit on the sofa and watch something on Netflix. Somewhere along the way I picked up my current embroidery project. soon enough Amanda came home, we ordered pizza, kept watching the show I was watching, and soon enough it was a raining. Then my cousin Shi-Chan, She's the girl on the left in the photo above (which was taken last time I visited my family), called. We haven't talked in a while. Neither of us like being on the phone for too long. We both have anxiety about it, but somehow, we stayed on the phone with each other for 2 hours. OMG I miss her so fucking much. We're 7 months apart in age and are pretty close. I wish she and her boyfriend lived up here. 

After talking to her, I told Amanda I wanted to finish a section of my embroidery project and then I would go to bed. She needed to go sooner and wanted me to go with her. I decided to take it with me. During the usual getting ready for bed routine, I got upset about a lot of things, and ended up crying. Amanda and I were talking about said things and then I got sick. Exhausted, I went with Amanda to bed. Of course, I couldn't get comfortable in bed and couldn't sleep, but I don't really remember going to the sofa and I only vaguely remember Amanda giving me a cup of coffee and saying something about keys and her going to be late to work. 

When I finally did wake up this morning, it was a little after 9 am. I called my Grandma, because I haven't talked with her for a while. It was a good call. She sounds pretty good considering. Since then I've made myself breakfast, cleaned some in the bathroom, and sat down to embroider some more. It's been very calm and quite, relaxing. And then I went to get the mail, stepped wrong somehow, and hurt my knee. I'm so mad! I'm supposed to be walking five minutes a day and I can't even walk two minutes to get the damn mail without hurting myself. I've had it. I'm done. I can't freaking win. Good thing I have therapy tomorrow. Yay! 

The good news is that when the neighbor kids came over to start banging on my patio door and screech at the cats, they saw me and backed away. They haven't been back, thankfully. So, I've had the curtains open and have been able to look outside and see the flowers and herbs.     

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Good bye Graveyard tan, Butt Burn, Moana, and Apartment Management.

It is official, my Graveyard tan is being destroyed. I've burned, I've broken out in hives, and I've burned again. Today, I am letting myself lament it's passing while I struggle to get the day going. I couldn't sleep last night, at least, not until after 2 am, and this morning, I had the worst time waking up and stay awake. There is still a strong pull for me to go lay down on the sofa with the heating pad and a blanket and do just that. But I have so much to do, that it is just not possible. 

Yesterday's work at the Kettle corn stand was not what I wanted it to be. I have to keep reminding myself that I am neither a super human nor can do the things I used to. If I am completely honest, I force myself through the day. Helping Rachel set up takes so much out of me and I can't even do half of what she does. It's not even that hard. Tear down is so much worse because by the time we tear down, I've sat in the heat all day, all ready helped her set up as much as I was able, walked to and from the bathroom, and helped bag some kettle corn. It really is pathetic and so frustrating. By the time I got home last night, I was so tried and in so much pain. To clarify, I am venting about my frustration with my body, not the work, the work is fine. 

Last night Amanda wanted to do something nice for me. She rubbed my feet and my legs with lotion while we were in bed and it felt so freaking good. She also discovered a small blister on my butt. I told her a person moves really fast when they sit down on a molten, sugar coated popcorn kernel. One flew out of Rachel's kettle and into my chair and I happened to sit on it. I laughed at the time. 

Moana was awesome! We recently watched it and Amanda and I loved it. The music is good, the story is wonderful, and I love the character growth. Seriously, go watch it if you haven't. 

So, we are having quite the little problem with our apartment managers right now. They scheduled a meeting to which both Amanda and I had to be present last month, but Amanda couldn't make it because she works a full time job. We were NEVER given a secondary scheduled meeting time and got a notice on our front door stating we missed the 2nd meeting and if we miss the next one, it is ground to terminate our lease and we will have to find somewhere else to live. Oh fuck no! I'm going to be having a little chat with the manager either tomorrow or Friday, because that's bull shit, period.