Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Finished and celebrating a little

Last night I finished the 1st draft rewrite of my fanfic story. It ended at 396 pages. While that might not seem like a big deal to some, for me it is something worth celebrating. 1. I'd struggled with writing for a couple of years due to living situation and a crippling lack of self confidence. 2. I can always seem to start stories but never complete them.

To celebrate Amanda went to the store and bought me ice cream sandwiches. I ate two last night while trying to decide what to do with myself. I wanted to keep writing but I need to take a little bit of a break plus we have E. here and I don't want to be glued to my computer the whole time. 

I'm having a little trouble trying to decide what to do with myself today. I feel a tad lost. Writing that story kept me sane while I was going through some really tough shit and yeah, I used it as a crutch. I'll admit to being a little scared of not having it. Except I do have it. I still have editing to do and I have other writing projects I want to embark on.

Speaking of other writing projects, I need to take some time today to go through the library/Bowie room and try to locate some world building notes for a novel I need to write. Somehow I've managed to lose them somewhere and I know they are in this house. I also have some reading to do. 

But aside from that, we are heading out to Sushi Maru tonight. Its a conveyor belt sushi bar restaurant in the mall next to the river. While I can't have shell fish and don't like fish anyway, they do have some alternatives that I can eat, like fruit sushi and an orange chicken roll. Our friend Rachel is going to join us and we might come back to watch a movie after. 

Monday, April 24, 2017

Of explosions, icky tummies, and trying not to fuck it up.

Well this alchemist has apparently hopped on the struggle bus and can't seem to drive it up and over the hill so she can coast down the falling action and resolution of her story. I'm in the final stretch. The main bad guy (who has been there in spirit and now in the flesh) has left his "Doll face" a nice surprise in her house and has come down her stairs. There was fire and then an explosion. But I claw for every single word. But I'll come back to that in a few moments. 

We never got to any of the writer's panels this weekend. Yesterday E. was really sick from Jet Lag. Today we went to Amanda's parent's house early to do all the laundry that we were backed up on. We have a small washer and dryer. They have a full sized one. Anyway, I ended up falling asleep to something Francis was watching, the British Wallander. I awoke to Midsomer Murders. I haven't seen much of the former and what I have seen was mostly the Swedish version. Of the latter, I really enjoy Midsomer Murders. It is something that we can watch with Amanda's parents that we can all agree on. I actually enjoy watching the British shows with Francis. Speaking of Francis, he was giving me shit today. I reminded him that I know where he sleeps.

Our friends Rachel and her boyfriend came over for dinner and we played a couple of games afterward. It fun and really nice. However, Amanda's been sick tonight. I'm really starting to worry about her. She'd thrown up in the middle of the night several times. I want to know if it really is heart burn or something else. I, on the other hand, have had issues of another icky tummy nature tonight. Not sure what that is about, unless I'm having trouble with milk. I had some today. Or maybe it was the deli food we had for lunch, either way, my stomach hasn't been happy with me. 

Back to the story struggles. Last night before another painful night in bed, I made myself a note:


That's so much easier said than done. But really, this draft is the bones. My editing process later will be the muscles and nerves because I will be editing and a friend will be reading it and I'll ask her for suggestions. Then another run through will be the flesh. But I suppose I'm afraid I'm going to fuck up the bones hence why I am struggling. I also don't want to screw up the bad guy. It is a fanfiction so it's not that important, but it still means something to me, so in a way, it matters. Still, I am excited and ready for this story to end. I'm not complaining or bitching, just kind of venting. I'm also writing a blog because some times if I write something else for a few minutes and then return to what I was working on- that's giving me trouble- I can pick it back up again and make some progress. 

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Bed, pants, and happy cats

A facebook friend of mind shared this and I nabbed it, because pretty!

Last night we picked Amanda's friend E. up from the airport. Along the way, Amanda was trying to wake up from her hour long nap of the sofa, and was a little crazy. She got mad at me because she had a laughing fit and then a cry fit and I asked her if I needed to take her to the hospital. she said when I have an issue like that, she at least offers me water first. LOL! We didn't have water and she's nuts. (Love you honey)

I have been laying down a lot more lately, on the sofa. However, with E's arrival, it was time to clear the clean laundry off our bed, change the sheets, and actually sleep in our bed. Oh my Gods! It hurt! I sleep on my side and half on my side-half on my stomach and oh boy, just laying down last night, my ribs were killing me. (I can't sleep on my back, it aggravates the herniated disk too much) This morning when I awoke, my ribs, lower back, and hip were really bad. I had to take a little extra time to try and stretch out and then I took an even longer shower than normal to get the muscles to loosen up. It sucked. I am not looking forward tonight 

Today we were supposed to go to a couple of writer's panels for the "Get Lit" festival put on by Eastern Washington University's Master's of Fine Arts program. Well, we were on our way and poor E. got so sick. So we turned around, stopped by a store to get some soup and us some frozen pizza along with something to nibble on the way home, and came back home. I'm totally okay with this, I'm tried and I hurt. 

Speaking of hurting, my stupid yoga pants seem to bother my stomach. The band is thicker than the bands on my leggings or my pants from Torrid and they put just enough pressure in just the right spots under my incisions that make me uncomfortable. This does not make me happy. I love my yoga pants and want to be able to wear them for when I start doing some exercises. 

Because we slept in our bedroom and in our bed last night, the cats were super happy! Thorin slept between Amanda and I all night and Narcisa had a great time sitting in the window and eating my hair. I have a chunk of bangs that's a little shorter than the rest. I can't believe cats can have pica! Ugh! No, really, she does. She tries to eat everything and its disturbing.   

Friday, April 21, 2017

The casual stroke, books, writing, and sobbing

Sometimes when I have trouble writing I turn to pinterest for inspiration. I happened upon this little gem which had me in a small giggle fit. No, that is not anything that Roy Mustang has said in Fullmetal Alchemist, someone over on Tumblr (that gross place I refuse to visit) made a ton of these little "texts" from Fullmetal alchemist. Some are meh, but some are really funny. 

I decided to reread books 1 & 2 of the Night Prince Series Jeaniene Frost wrote so everything would be fresh in my mind for books 3 & 4. Well, it took me a couple of days to read through book 1 simply because I was trying to write and was doing other things. Book 2 I plowed through in practically one day and I immediately started books 3, which I read half of yesterday afternoon. OH. MY. GODS! I literally could not stop reading until I felt the two main characters were in a good place. So much bad shit happened! It was so intense and heart breaking. I sobbed my eyes out in a couple of places. My skin crawled in others and now, I'm right along with the characters seeking revenge! 

But, I refuse to pick up the book despite it being mere inches from my fingertips, until I have written a good deal today. I got out a page or two last night but since we are having company fly in from Boston tonight, I want to get as much done as possible. As it stands my Oc's brother is being a total creeper and my Oc thinks she's losing it. 

Speaking of the brother- who is Zolf- that reminds me. Christine, since I am refusing to allow myself the distraction of facebook today, I saw your message about writing. Sometimes when I get stuck, I have to go write something else or write some bullshit nothing few pages just to get my brain working. If that doesn't work, then I force myself through it, no matter how frustrating or how long it takes me. I've basically been crawling through the last 15 pages all week.

I've cried for other reasons aside from book drama. The depression monster and I think that's about all I need to say about that for the moment. 

I spoke to my yesterday morning  and I think the next time I see her I am going to strangle her. Apparently she thinks she had a light stroke and that it was caused by the spikes in her blood pressure from all the uncontrollable limb jumping. Its possible, but what the fuck didn't they tell me sooner? And how the hell are are you just going to causally mention that in a conversation with your kid?! Then follow it up with, "I didn't want to panic and worry you, it's not like you can afford to come home every time something messes up with me."   No, I can't, but for fuck's sake, I at least deserve to know these things. Yes, Aunt Laura is literally dying. Yes, Grandpa is slowly wasting away from Alzhimers and because he won't eat. Yes, Grandma is in bad shape. Yes, Dad's not doing so great either. Yes, you (as in my mom) is a cluster-fuck of health issues and I have more than my share of shit going on too, but damn it, don't keep shit from me. I hate it and it's not fair! I don't keep anything from them. It's so frustrating!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The depression monster and a dinner guest.

It's going to be one of those days. I've already had a panic attack about just going to a doctor's appointment. Which is stupid because I like my doctor but I just can't. In fact, my depression monster is kicking my ass today. So much so that I actually think I may need to go take a nap to reset myself. 

We're supposed to have a dinner guest tonight, a girl we met at one of grocery stores we frequent. She's a nice girl and wanted to know if we were pagan. Anyway, we invited her for for dinner and I think I am going to make a bbq meatloaf and cheesy scalloped potatoes to have with salad if we have it. If not, maybe some kind of veggie side. Surely I can get my stupid monster under control and the house picked up before 6 this evening. 

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Gothic Desk Organizer, I dyed my hands, and sleep

My desk is nearly always busy. I spend a lot of time at it and since it is also in the living room, sometimes it kind of becomes a catch all for random things. I got tired of constantly having to dig through my desk drawer to find flash drives and little notebooks and such, so I bought this little desk organizer thing pictured above from Amazon. I really liked the overall structure but didn't like that it was white. So, I painted it black with the intention of decorating it somehow.

I used some Halloween paper and Mod Podge to cover the bottom of the little drawer. 

I set a self adhesive plastic gem into the "gem setting" spot of this lovely pendant that I bought at Michael's awhile ago. Then I glued this sucker onto the front. I'd originally bought the pendant for Amanda but she said I could have it. I'm going to replace it as soon as we go to Michael's again.

This is the finished product. Oh, I painted it with black acrylic plain and did a matte Mod Podge Clear Acrylic Sealer. I added a couple more gems because I felt it needed a little something more.

Here it is on my desk with my various notebooks, some hand creme and chap stick. I love it!

Today, while I was waiting for the acrylic sealer to dry, we dyed Easter Eggs. It's tradition Amanda and I both grew up with in our respective christian families and it's just fun. Her parents also came over for lunch. It was a nice afternoon. I played with the easter egg dye, dying coffee filters, my hands, eggs, paper towels- Amanda's Dad told her to take the dye away from me three times. Normally it's her Dad telling me to take stuff away from her.

Last night I slept the first full night laying down where I didn't wake up with pain around or near my incisions. That's improvement. I did however wake up with my lower back hurting. But I cleaned a bit yesterday and we went to a couple of stores, so I walked a bit as well. It was bad enough that I bit the bullet and took a pain pill left over from my surgery. I've also sat with some heat on my back to help loosen the muscles. 

I was hoping to be finished with my fanfic this weekend but it looks like it's going to be a couple more days, perhaps a week.  I still have to edit it, but I know how it is going to end and ehm, my notes so far leave it open for a squeal.  

Friday, April 14, 2017

Neighbors, writing struggles, and musical zen,

Yesterday, I left to take a walk to my mail box. I was wearing my sun and moon leggings, a back dress that goes to my knees, and was carrying the lovely UV protection umbrella/parasol (I'm mildly allergic to the sun and some medication I am on makes me even more sensitive to sunlight) Amanda bought me for my birthday. All the neighbors who were waiting for the noon bus to pick up their kids at the corner stared at me. I had a little giggle. It's almost as if they've never seen a fat goth before. LOL actually, come to think of it. I don't think many of them have ever seen me period. I haven't exactly gone out much except to get the mail or go straight to the car since living here. I don't hang out with my neighbors. 

Speaking of my neighbors, I heard someone say "fuck off" really loudly outside my patio door last night and since I was up, I opened the curtain to see a woman walking away from a cop who was shining a flash light at her. I closed the curtain and went back to my business. In all reality she was probably drunk or something.

I slept a bit yesterday. It was good and I actually laid down for a bit with no problems. That's improvement. However, I was having a bad day emotionally. Not sure what set it off but I remember sitting at my desk, trying to write the last chapter I was working on while crying. I thought, I have nearly 400 pages, I'm struggling with this story and don't know why since I know where I want to go- more or less- with it, but it's nearly 400 pages of fanfiction, which means that when I do get it finished it is not publishable nor was it ever meant to be. But that made me a little sad. I feel pulled to work on other stories, but I have denied those urges because I have this terrible problem of not finishing projects and I am damned determined to see this one through to the end. It's a matter of proving to myself that I can. It is also a matter of me seeing if I can write period, which after yesterday's ugly cry fest, I felt less than mediocre. 

I e-mail Amanda at work and told her I was having a terrible day and we decided not to worry about cooking and went to Ron's Burgers, a local business near our house. I didn't want to go in, so we did the drive thru and came home. We both fell asleep watching Ab Fab but I woke sometime around eight and finished a movie I'd started several days ago. Then I moved over to my computer to pick up the writing work again. Except I didn't get much writing done last night because I spent about two and half hours listening to various music on youtube. I was all over the place. Halsey, Lady Gaga, the 69 Eyes. I stumbled across two new artists that seem interesting.

I'm guessing Kerli just might be pagan. Don't know, but there is some interesting imagery in the video.

Eivor was interesting, wasn't on the same heavy bass and epic level of music I seemed to have favored last night but maybe that's what made it so appealing. 

I, of course went for a favorite from Gackt. I love his voice! He's pretty too, but really, I just love listening to him sing. 

I learned about Nathan Lanier while listening to my Two Steps from Hell Station on Pandora. I love this song so much. He's definitely becoming a new favorite for epic music to write to.

Anyway, I relaxed a bit while listening to music, let myself get lost in a lot of it, and it was very much a kind therapy or meditative sort of thing. I felt a little better afterword, enough that I was able to finish the short chapter I was working on. 

I've started a small project, since I listen to music while writing, to write down songs that evoke certain emotions or have some reference to an element, such as water or fire. I'm trying to assemble an "elemental" playlist of sorts for a a story I'm going to be writing soon. One of the songs I found, which I think might actually fit the story really well is this one by Seabound, called Scorch the Ground.


It is so weird to think that I first heard this song a decade ago. 

Well, I since I was up all night again and am hurting a bit today, I am going to go lie down with a book with the hopes of crashing out soon.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Of Boobs, Tears, and Spiders and Vindaloo

Pardon me while I have what my friend Tsuki calls a "lady boner" over Cate Blanchett playing Hela in the upcoming Thor 3 movie! I've always loved her and she became my Elven Queen in Lord of the Rings. I am so excited to see her in this roll, not because I've read the comics- because I haven't- but because she'll be playing what looks to be a villain. Ehm, she's freaking hot!

Prior to my hysterectomy, I had been trying to adjust to my "new normal" frequently. Now, life has giving me the opportunity to do so yet again with the surgery and the resulting aftermath. This morning, as Amanda was leaving, I broke out into tears because I miss one of our friends dearly. This friend is super busy a good deal of the time and while we both completely understand that and never want to become a source of strain, we've really been feeling her absence. 

Anyway, I figured that crying episode was in part because I was up all night writing. I seemed to get a second and then third wind. My stomach was bothering me from the chicken Vindaloo I'd made for dinner- the spiciness of which was on par with my mother's what I consider hell fire chili. When Amanda says it's spicy, you know you're going to experience it again later. I don't think my stomach has quite recovered. My body aches incessantly. Not the sharp pains or intense make you want to vomit kind of pain. No, this is a dull incessant, not quite bad enough to make you take a full on pain pill, but just enough to constantly drive you nuts. Worse, my breasts have decided to hop on the bandwagon. 

I knew I was in trouble this morning, apart from the crying and aches and pains, when I hallucinated a spider crawling long my arm but didn't feel it. I also had a good deal of trouble moving about. I decided to make some coffee and something to easy for breakfast. I ate, I drank a cup of coffee and this cherry and chia seed juice drink, then sat on the sofa with my feet up. I know drinking a cup of coffee seems counter productive, but sometimes when I am really tired, if I drink a cup, the crash helps me go to sleep easier. 

While I did get to sleep, my bastard cat, Thorin, woke me up 3 1/2 hours later. I thought he was hungry. Nope, Amanda fed the kitties before heading out to work this morning. He wanted attention and insisted I pet him. I wanted to strangle him. Now he's sleeping on the cat tower with Narcisa and all I want to do is get the squirt bottle and spray the hell out of him. I can't go back to sleep because the twins will be here in an hour or so. We are taking them to the bus station tonight so they can go on to Seattle for Sakura Con. I also need to do the dishes so I can cook dinner tonight and pick up the living room a little bit. Because I still haven't been able to lay down to sleep, Amanda has been sleeping on the sofa off and on to be near me. I need to fold our blankets, pull the sheet and pillow off to make room for our guests. I kind of just want to curl up and read or watch tv.

While I promised my parents I would read Monster Hunter International by Larry Correia and it is entertaining, I am crawling through that novel. I don't know what it is. I like it well enough, but I don't know, all the gun specs have me stopping to look them up so I know what the hell the character(s) are talking about. I can't help myself because I do like guns and I find it fascinating. But it slows down the reading and I'm not quite as into it as my parents are. However, it is giving me a genuine look into a kind of how should I put this, dumb, hopeless puppy dog, kind of chasing after some girl, that I haven't read before. Which is helpful for when I decide, if I decide to write a character like that. So I will never say the reading has been a waste of time. 

But I have been wanting to finish out Jeannine Frost's Night Prince series for awhile now. Since it has been a while since I read the first and second book, I decided to reread them so they are fresh in my mind as I move into the third and forth, final book. I know I am going to be so sad when the four books ends. I love this Vlad, he's such an ass but a fun ass! Aside from blatant attraction, I think if he were real, he would be a fun friend to have, a scary one of course- he is dangerous- but fun none the less. 

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

House work, follow the music, dark skies, and Absolutely Fabulous, Into the Badlands, and Preacher

We've been watching T.V. a little more than we usually do lately. I haven't felt up to going out and doing too much and sometimes, I just want to sit and be pulled into something fun to forget the crap I'm dealing with. So with that said, I thought I would mention a couple of the things we've been viewing. Amanda and Fiona have been watching a lot of South Park. I tend to put my headphones on for most of that to work on writing. However, I did notice that Absolutely Fabulous was on NetFlix and since I used to watch it on BBC America when I lived with my parents years ago- and loved it- I wanted to see it again. Amanda and I watched a couple of episodes tonight. Great fun! 

Well, Preacher is a disappointment. I had high hopes because Amanda has been reading the comic at work on her lunch break. A coworker brings it in for her. From what she told me, it sounded awesome. So, wanting to check out the show- because I like Dominic Cooper- we watched it. I had even higher hopes for it when I saw Seth Rogen's name in the credits. WTF?! Really? Not only does this stupid show have me twanging as if I have been around my Mother's family from Oklahoma, but it sucks. Maybe if I hadn't heard anything about it prior I might be happier with it, but no. Some of the people in the damned town remind me of some members of my family and I don't need any reminders of those people. We've given up and Amanda and I are going to see if the comics are at the library so I can read them and get the true story. 

Into the Badlands, was a show I saw advertised when I was down visiting my parents some time ago. My Mom saw it and said it was really good and that I would enjoy it. Last night our friend Rachel was over for dinner and said that I would really like it too. I'd already put it on my Netflix queue so we watched the first episode. There was some chatter in the background so I didn't catch everything but what I did see, I really liked. It's very intriguing, has some nice martial arts, and well, a couple of actors I like. Amanda and I are planning to re-watch the first episode soon and continue on. 

Today was a lovely day. Nice and overcast. We had some sleet and rain, it was chilly too. I opened the curtain and got all excited when I saw the darker clouds rolling in from the west. Needless to say it made me happy. We also seem to have a squirrel running about who doesn't have a full tail. It's kind of cute. 

Fiona went home today, she left while I was napping. I'm still not feeling up to doing much and she's been helping me out around the house with some cleaning and cooking. That's doesn't exactly make me happy because I want to be doing these things myself and she should be here to relax. I know she doesn't mind, but that's not the point. 

Anyway, I turned on pandora, turned it up, and went to work in my kitchen when I awoke. I hadn't been in there to clean for over a month and well, Fiona and Amanda don't clean quite like I clean. It;s not their fault, my mother is OCD and there are some things that I notice that other people don't because my Mom noticed them and would bitch at me to do them. So I did the dishes and cleaned one side of the kitchen. I still need to wipe down the cabinet doors and tackle the other side, but I could only do so much before I was hurting. I also broke a pint glass. When Amanda woke from her nap, she washed the cushion covers of the sofa and vacuumed the living room floor. Tomorrow, if I am feeling up for it, I will tackle the other half of the kitchen. Fiona rearranged my refrigerator when she was cleaning a spill. My cabinets are a mess too. It might take us all week, but we will get everything put back in order. Not to worry, I'm not complaining, not too much. I am grateful for all the help, I just wish I didn't have to go in and rearrange stuff after. 

Lastly, I read Amanda some of my story. She gave me some of her MFA Learned pointers and we got to talking. I think I really do want to explore the MFA avenue. I really do think it would be beneficial to me and now that my internal girly bits are gone and not killing me, I might actually be able to attend a school here in town rather than an online program. Which might also be good for me. I can hear my Dad bitching at me now.  He doesn't want me to be in debt and wants me to be writing and finishing a novel. But back to Amanda, apart from the critique, she'd say "gross" every so often about something that I was reading her, like Hetro sex and so on. It was kind of funny, but there was a moment or two where I started to worry. It was fine, she was giving me shit. 

Well, time to get to it. 

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Trying my hand at graphic design, panic outside, hospice care and family.

I decided to play around with paint.net again. It began out of my desire to make planner stickers more to my tastes. There aren't a ton of gothic themed stickers but there are a lot of Halloween- which is awesome- but I don't always want pumpkins. Besides, I'm not just a Goth Girl, I'm also a Nerd/Geek, and anime love, among other things. But I will get back to planner stickers in a moment. The picture above is something I put together to make a sign for above my desk. It's the 5-4-3-2-1 coping technique my therapist gave me to help me stave off or get out of panic attacks.  I simplified it, found a pretty mermaid picture, and a water texture/background, and threw it all together. Eventually, when we have more ink, I will print it out and frame it. 

Okay back to planner stickers. I made these today. They are far from perfect, totally rough, but they are practice for me. It was kind of fun and I had to ask Fiona how to a couple of things that I didn't know how to do before. Like making a duplicate of an image you've been working on. Or a duplicate of the clip art you just pasted. I've never had to do that before. Anyway, I would like to practice more and make a better version of this, one for Edward Elric, and some other anime I adore. Then I would like to make some Gothic themed planner sticker. 

Those are the good things. the not to good things are that I am having trouble making myself leave the house. I had to take half a nerve pill yesterday to stave off tears and panic despite me actually wanting to go to the store. It still didn't help too much. 

Today was a little better, but I still had trouble when we went to wal-mart for the things we didn't get at Winco. It is frustrating. 

In other news, my Mom asked me to call my Aunt tomorrow because as many times as she cried "I'm dying" now she actually is. She's officially got meals on wheels and hospice care. I don't really know how I feel about that. I don't think it has hit me yet and as much as she's hurt me, I don't actually want her to die. Plus she's my mom's identical twin and my Mom isn't doing well. On top of that all three of my cousins are kind of being douche bags to my aunt. I'm not sure what's going on with Shi-Chan, she's typically the sane one. I don't know, maybe she just got pushed too far.

Anyway, I didn't get much writing done last night and will be trying to pick it up again tonight. I am bringing my OC character's brother in to torture her some more. Surprise, he's not dead. Christine will be happy, it's Zolf. I probably won't write him as gritty as she does, but he pretty twisted. Yes, this is still the Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction and yes it is almost 340 pages long and I still have quite a bit left to do. >.> I swear, as soon as this is all done and edited, I will be working on an actual novel. I actually came up with another idea and when I sent it to my Dad he quoted something I had said, which was "she also likes to impale people, because that's fun" to which he replied "wow. just, wow." When I read that, I actually hurt myself laughing because I could hear his voice and the tone he'd use in my head and it was just that funny. Don't judge me. LOL. 

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Want to cry, tired and sore

Because I needed something adorable and cute today.

Emotionally, I am not doing well and today feels exceptionally bad. I tried to read, I tried to write, I even tried rest on the sofa and watch NHK World, Absolutely Fabulous, Midsummer Murders, and Stargate SG1. Nope, nothing's helping or pulling me up, not even music. Guess it is just a bad depression day. Normally I can deal but I just don't have the motivation to do anything. Which, in turn, makes me want to cry and have tiny fits of panic. 

I realize it has only been a month since I had surgery. I realize that I generally heal slower and that I haven't exactly had the best or even bouts of sleep long enough for my body to heal itself. However, I am really sore and every time I laugh or cough and sometimes when I go to the bathroom, I hurt where my cervix used to be. Sometimes when I get up, it hurts too. Its kind of aggravating. 

I still can't lay down without pain. Its enough that I can't ignore it and just sleep. So I am still sleeping, sitting up, on the sofa. I think that's really taking its toll on me because I'm not sleeping with Amanda. Sometimes all I want is a little cuddle time and I feel as though I can't have it. 

If I am honest, the damned clear blue pregnancy test commercial that runs over and over again on Hulu is really upsetting. I thought I had made peace a long time ago with not having kids of my own. After a while of having my period all over the place and then not stopping and all that mess, I never once trusted my body to have kids. Then it was a please make this stop so I can live sort of deal. And now that it is all gone, I'm dealing with all of them psychological crap that goes with it because damn it, I did want to have kids and I am so angry that I couldn't and even more angry now I will never even be able to try. Some people are like, well Amanda could have a kid or you could adopt. Yes, this is true and I am not against either of those except I don't want Amanda to sleep with someone else and I find the idea of buying a child abhorrent. I don't know, it's just probably the hormones leaving my system and my body adjusting to not having things that should be there, there. Either way, it hurts.

I'm a little upset on another front because I have some friends that want to hang out and a couple of them are having some troubles of their own. I want to help and part of me wants to hang out, but the other part of me just wishes people would leave me alone. I don't have the energy to deal with my own crap much less anyone else's problems. I'm not trying to be mean or rude, I just need more time. I have a whole new reality to adjust to.

Writing has been a little bit of a struggle the last couple of days. I rewrote a scene 4 times in one night and had to break away from it. I finally finished it up last night and write the next couple- which I was much happier with. I was worried and I still am, that by staying the night at a friend's house for two nights, I had interrupted my flow too much and was losing it. But I may just be worrying for no reason. This is probably also depression talking. 

Since I don't feel good and am crying now, I am going to take my depressed ass back to the sofa to watch something that may or may not cheer me up. Hopefully afterward I can get back to writing.  P.S. I know I am running behind again on blog reading, I'm hoping to get caught up in the next few days 

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Camp Nanowrimo, I fucked up, black, purple, and green sparkles, What We Do in the Shadows

It is Camp National Novel Writer's month again and I signed up to participate. Then we went to stay the night at a friend's house for two nights and I am behind. I am sure I can and will catch up, but tonight, I've cried and haven't been able to really settle. Hence why I am trying to crank out a blog; to force myself to focus. 

The progress on my story is that I am up to 328 pages. I am hoping to finish it soon and start editing. 

I screwed up this weekend. While at my friend's house this weekend I was sitting out back while she and her boyfriend were doing yard work. I felt like a total tool just sitting there and after awhile couldn't take it anymore. So I got up and raked a little bit of the the yard. That was a really horrible, stupid decision. Not only couldn't I not do it for more than ten minutes, but I felt worse when I had to sit down. Then afterward, while I was trying to hide the fact that I had overdone it and was hurting, we watched a comedy routine and I laughed so freaking hard that I hurt myself even more. So I am really sore today and kicking myself. I'm a "get back and up and keep moving" kind of person so I get really angry with myself when I can't do what I need or want to do. 

While we were visiting our friend, she cut my hair for me. I like it. I need to bleach and dye it again. Oh and I found a really nice conditioner that made my hair feel normal again. It hasn't felt right since I had surgery. Amanda decided that we needed to do pedicures, so she did my feet (which are super sensitive and she teased me about it) and painted my toenails dark green with pretty blue-green sparkles. She also painted my fingernails alternating black and dark purple.  

We watched Too Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything and What we Do in the Shadows. I hadn't seen Too Wong Foo except in bits and pieces growing up. It was cute and a lot of fun. Bloody Hell Patrick Swayze is a gorgeous Drag Queen, and so elegant. I felt swept up by his performance, as if she could teach me so much. She's the kind of woman I want to have tea with. 
What we do in the Shadows was so much fun. It's a mocumentary about vampires who are flatting in New Zealand. Fun fact's: Freya of the youtube channel It's Black Friday has a part in it but is unaccredited. The alpha male werewolf in the film is also the voice or Coran on Netflix's reboot of Voltron. I heard him speak and said "Holy crap, is that Coran?" Sure enough it was. 

My Grandparents are home from the rehabilitation center and my Mom is over to help them. My Dad is working but suspects he might have strep throat. My Mom's twin (the evil aunt) is back in the hospital for the second time this week.

Aside from that, I am trying to take it easy. I spoke with my therapist this weekend and told her that I am worried that I am still a little bit manic. I'm still not eating or sleeping as I should be. She wants me to try some relaxation stuff and try to go to bed at the same time every night. We are happy I am writing, but she thinks that I am using writing to escape life now, especially with the panic from being away from it too long. However, when I talked to my Dad about it, he said I was using life to escape writing before so maybe turn about is fair play. He said said if I wasn't writing 6-8 hours a day then I wasn't working full time and probably not that serious about it, so since I am doing that now, and it is what I want to do, then he doesn't really see a problem with it. So I don't know. I think at the moment, I am just going to write when I can and am feeling up to it and worry about creating a schedule later.   

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

To Hunt a Killer, Post Op Appointment, Down Moments, No Pressure

Today I had my post operation appointment. It's not quite been a month since my surgery but just about and I was a tad worried when I saw the evil-but-necessary pelvic exam equipment sitting out on the counter. I had read on the Hystersister's site that doctors usually do that exam at 6 weeks. You know because the lovely post-op paper of what you can and can't do in certain amounts of time says no sex until 6-8 weeks have passed. But nope, my doctor wanted to make sure everything was healing properly. I am healing well but I am very sore from her exam despite how gentle she was. Tylenol is putting a dent in it though. 

The good news is, I don't ever have to have another exam like that again, unless I have pain for some reason, and I don't have to take hormones. My doctor also gave me the official pathology report. I had lots of cysts but everything was benign. So I am good to go and can start tackling other issues like my back, my weight, the firbromyalgia, and depression and anxiety.  

Moving on. My friend Chris took me to my appointment this morning and after we came back to my house for lunch, to watch a movie (which we both fell asleep during) and to look at a monthly subscription box she'd ordered: Hunt a killer. The first box introduces you to you "pen pal/friend" and you are supposed to discover the mystery behind this person and what they may or may not have done. We spread it out on my kitchen table and read everything, looked at the clues sent to us, and then I started by making lists of things like keywords, how many times the 'penpal' said certain things, references that were made and so on. We came up with a couple of theories and then put stuff away. We have a couple of things we want to research later. The next box is supposed to build on the first and so on and so forth. It is really neat. 

I have been having some really heavy, intense bursts of depression lately. I will be discussing it with my therapist this weekend, of course. Some of the things I have been struggling with are really personal and on top of that there has been an underlying tension in the house along with an overwhelming sense of guilt that is starting to suffocate me and piss me off. I need to address these things so I can move on.

I talked to my Dad tonight. He had to travel for some of his work and stopped at all the roadside landmarks when he had five hours to kill. He learned quite a bit about Liberal and Ashland, Kansas, and imparted that information on to me. I, of course, went to go look at pictures of these places so I could see what he'd seen. It was fun. 

For some reason my Grandpa seems to be thinking about me an awful lot lately. He wants to see me publish something before he dies. Since he is 88 years old and has Alzheimer's, I guess I had better get to work. He apparently wanted to know what had happened, that I had such potential, and I am going to fucking cry because while I've always known that my Grandpa loves me and misses me, I didn't realize that he'd ever paid that much attention to anything I was doing. I mean he took me fishing and showed me how to do some things, took me to museums and traveling and taught me how to do some gardening, ect... But, I was kind of more my Grandma's helper. Grandma wanted to teach me house wife stuff and sewing, piano, and so on. 

Anyway, no pressure right? Because we wouldn't want to, you know, add a sense of time running out to someone has horrible anxiety and already has that sense to begin with plus very high expectations of herself. It's fine. No, I probably won't have anything published by the time he forgets that he said that or me or he passes, but it's a nice goal to work toward.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Cat Tales Zoological Park, still achy, music

Today we went to Cat Tales Zoological Park
I'm not sure what spurred Amanda into wanting to go or if it was a joint deciding venture between her and our friend Rachel. Either way, we went with Rachel and her boyfriend. 

Cat Tales is a  non-profit that takes in animals from side shows, animals that basically idiots decided it would be cool to have and then learned they were much more than they could handle and so on. They have Bengal and Siberian Tigers, a Lion, bobcats, a bear, some parrots, and at least one house cat that we decided was the most dangerous kitty at the park. No, really, we named him Skittles and he rules that joint. Okay, he probably doesn't but he's wild enough that there are signs advising people not to pet the house cats if they see them. There are also signs that state "do not run, you look like food", which I thought were appropriate.

It is not a big park and for my first real outing involving a good bit of walking, I think it went pretty well. One of the white tigers, Zeus, was pretty chatty. I didn't know if he was upset because he was limping and possibly hurting, or if he was just talking. He kept looking at me, so I spent some time at his enclosure while he walked up and down and rubbed his face on the chain link.   

I do not have pictures because my phone died during the night last night and I didn't have time to plug it in this morning before we left. My camera battery is also dead, so I didn't have that available. I linked the website above

After we left Cat Tales, we stopped by a cemetery so Rachel's boyfriend could get some pictures and then we went to get something to eat. Then we stopped at Party City and I knew after a few minutes in there that I was done for the day. It has only been four weeks since my surgery and I am still pretty sore. On top of that, I think the lackluster breakfast sandwiches I got us at 7-11 upset my stomach because I wasn't feeling well. It was bad enough that anything Amanda mentioned us getting from the store for the week made me want to vomit. 

I am still having trouble laying down to sleep. I tried this morning but it was just painful enough to keep me from getting any true sleep. So I gave up and sat up. I'm not happy about this, I would really like to sleep in bed with Amanda. I miss it and we are both feeling a little disconnect in that regard. Tonight she was having a bad night, so I made her come out to sleep on the sofa because I didn't want her to be alone. I mean, it's not like I'm likely to sleep anytime soon. Writing all night seems to be the best time for me. The rest of the world is sleeping.

A bit of good news is that my Grandmother is out of the hospital and back in the rehab center. She's keeping food down, but fora  little while her kidneys weren't functioning. She's better. 

Still writing and I did a really naughty thing. I ordered a couple of small note books from Evil Supply Co. They are relatively inexpensive and I find them to be the perfect size for story notes. Plus they are so me. This is one of the ones I purchased tonight.

On to music. I set up a L'Ame Immortelle station on pandora because I wanted more of that type of Gothic Music. Through some tweaking I am finally getting a mix of Gothic and Darkwave that is akin to what I was hearing on R1 Das Darkwave years ago. It was a streaming station I stumbled upon via Winamp over a decade ago that is no longer running. The station on pandora isn't perfect and I'm not getting everything I would like, but its close enough to make me happy. I'm still trying to figure out how the hell "Cry Little Sister" from the movie Lost Boys actually pertains to the damned movie. I know I saw it years ago, but I don't get it, lol.  I also heard a "new to me" song by VNV Nation called "Carbon" that I fell in love with. 


Thursday, March 23, 2017

Car-less, down one phone, reaching 300, strange dreams

Colonel Roy Mustang from 1st Fullmetal Alchemist Series. 

I'm sorry if I have missed something important in the blogosphere. I will eventually catch up on everyone's news, even if it takes me one blog at a time. I have been really busy lately, and yet not. 

We visited a friend on Monday and then Amanda took our friend Fiona home yesterday. Fiona had been here for quite awhile actually. While I appreciate all her help with cooking and cleaning and hanging out, I was ready for her to go home. Nothing against her, I just want time alone with Amanda. Anyway, in taking Fiona home, Amanda left the car for Fiona's Dad to work on for the rest of the week. We've been really concerned about a squeeky belt and also the car sounds like a fan that has paper stuck in it and since it is the only car we have at the moment and can't afford to replace it anytime soon, we need to keep it running. 

We are also down one cell phone. Amanda left hers at her parents house yesterday when they brought her home. We should get it back this weekend though. So she's been using the alarm on my phone to help her wake up in the morning. 

I have had some pretty interesting dreams as of late. Strange, intense, and vivid. I want to write them down but I'm only recalling tiny bits and pieces, feelings or notions, not enough that I feel I can string together properly. Oh well. This is what I get for not writing them down as soon as I wake up.

Yes, I am still pretty deep in the world of Fullmetal Alchemist in so much as I have watched a few episodes of anime here and there, looked at some pretty pictures, read some doujinshi, and am still working on the rewrite of my fanfic. I'm less than 30 pages from hitting the 300 page mark and I've still got a lot more to do. I figure if I have to, I can cut some stuff later. Amanda thinks I should post it, so people can see the difference between the story then and the story now and the progression of my writing... I may have already mentioned this- it's been awhile, sorry- if I haven't well, now you know. I don't know if I want to post it or not. Right now I just want to finish it and edit it. Then enjoy it for myself. I've got a couple of friends who want to read it. I know if I sent it to my Mom, she'd read it. It's kind of weird but I kind of wish Amanda was interested in reading it. I've told her a lot of it, asked her for her opinion on some things, brainstormed with her, so she pretty much already knows it. She'd not really the biggest fan of heterosexual romance stories and that is okay. She did say that she'd rather read and help me edit my novels when I get my ass in gear to work on them.

Speaking of novels. I've been getting images and feeling drawn or tugged predominately by three different characters. One is a mage, one is a witch, and one is a dragon. All three want my attention, all three want me to write their stories, and I've had to put my foot down because I am bound and determined to finish the story I am working on. I have such a hard time finishing stories, especially bigger ones, that I feel I simply must end this one before I can move onto another project.  

Oh and the other night, while attempting to lay down (I haven't been about to really lay down since surgery, kind of hurts and I am such a stomach sleeper), I came up with another Fullmetal Alchemist story. Mostly I was overheated, in pain, and trying to tell myself a story to help me go to sleep. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. That night it didn't. But I got to thinking, after telling Amanda and Fiona about it later, that why make it fanfiction when I can easily make changes and create my own world, my own magical system, and so on. So yeah, that's another character that's wanting my attention. 

While writing has encompassed a good deal of my life lately, at least I don't feel manic anymore. I'm actually a lot happier and feel better than I have in a long time. I'm watching anime, listening to music that calls and inspires me, I'm not worrying about what other people want all the time. Shit, I've been laughing a lot more and louder. I almost peed the other day from laughing. It's been ages since I've laughed that hard. It's kind of freaking me out. I didn't think I could get that loud. 

On the family front, my Grandparents are still in the rehabilitation center trying to get well enough to go home. I haven't spoken to my parents in a couple of days and need to. Everyone else seems to be okay, at least no one has called, messaged, or e-mailed me any different. 

Well, I have had enough of a break and it is time that I get a little bit more writing done before I get too tried to hold my eyes open.  

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

You know it's bad when... Writing, healing.

I am still entrenched in the world of Fullmetal Alchemist in that I freaking love it, its on my list of fictional places I wish I could live in, and I am still re-writing a fanfic I wrote over 11 years ago. I'm hitting the 200 page mark with it and thought I would end somewhere around 300, but it's starting to look like it might run into 400 pages. Apparently this story needs retold. This story keeps getting away from me. I have a direction but the characters keep deviating here and there. It's fine, I don't mind so much. 

I have been writing pretty much constantly. When I'm not, I feel it pulling me back, but sometimes I need a break, I need sleep, and I have to pay attention to Amanda. I will create or find a balance between writing and the rest of my life, but for now, because I'm finally writing again, actually writing and not forcing word vomit onto paper, I am enjoying it and running with it. I think part of me is afriad that if I stop, I'll never start again and that horrible feeling like the one thing of my choosing that gives me purpose or some thing will leave and that will be it. It will be done and gone and I'll never get it back again. But that's probably depression talking. 

Since my surgery I have trying to take it easy. I haven't been able to lay down yet, so I've been sleeping sitting up, on my sofa. During the day, I generally sit at my desk to work.The other night I thought I popped a stitch when I sat down. Something snapped and it hurt bad enough that I screamed  a little. I don't do that. I don't even really complain when I hurt- which has been a source of trouble lately- and the way I felt when it happened was scary. I decided that if I still felt the pain the next day, I would call my surgeon. The next day came and Amanda and Fiona (who is visiting) made me call when I didn't want to. I was sitting in the bathroom crying and just about got the riot act. Yes, I am stubborn and I come by it honestly, I learned it from both my parents and my grandparents. Anyway, my doctor asked me a few questions and then said she'd call back the next day to check on me. I was fine the next day, sore, but the pain wasn't nearly what it had been. No bleeding or anything like that, so I am okay. Well, it's two weeks from surgery and I still hurt but I'm weening myself off the pain pills- well okay it;s more like going cold turkey with the help of tylenol. But the point is, I'm getting it done.

Okay, the reason there has been some contention between Amanda and I lately because I don't complain that I hurt, is because she forgets that I am in pain. It is my fault. I don't talk about it, I don't fuss. When you grow up with a woman who suffers from chronic pain due to migraines, torn rotator cuffs, blown disks in her neck (seriously my mom's neck feels like gristle) and back and then seizures that came out of nowhere, who is also OCD and depressed as hell for all of it, anything you say hurts feels like your competing and I didn't want to do that. So, I learned to just take some meds, not fuss, and get on with it. Plus whining about hurting gets old to me. So I just don't. Amanda got on to me about it. She said she can't read my mind and that because I have been more or less moving around like nothing happened, it's hard for her to remember that I had surgery or that I am in pain still. One of my friends also kind of got onto me, in her nice polite way. She will ask me if I am okay, and I automatically reply that I am, partly because I don't want to complain and partly also because I don't like worrying people I care about. I'm weird.  

Emotionally and mentally I'm having some trouble. I'm probably not processing things as I should. I've been writing a lot and not really in my own reality per se. I'm not entirely sure I am ready to be fully present in my own reality. There are some things I'm not quite ready to address for myself and some things I am struggling with. Amanda is kind of falling apart because her job- while she loves the people- is sucking the life out of her and were starting to wonder if she doesn't have some form of narcolepsy. I can't tell it is just a stress issue because she seems to have had these issues since she was a kid. Either way, she needs a different job.  Then there is the shit I woke up to yesterday. 

My Mom called me yesterday and I was seconds from getting to the phone. When I called her back she was sobbing. With my Grandparents in such bad shape right now (both of them ended up in the hospital and are now in a rehab facility near home) I thought maybe something had happened to them. Also, my mom doesn't cry. She was abused. So when my mom is cry or in this case sobbing so bad my Dad takes the phone from her to talk to me, you know shit's bad. My mom asked me to call her identical twin, the monster bitch who I cut off for several reasons. My Dad said I should call and at least tell her that I love her (which is true, deep down I never stopped, she's my aunt- but that didn't mean I had to put up with her shit) because I might not get another chance, and not to do it for my aunt, to do it for my Mom. I was fucked then, because I would do anything for my Mom, my Dad too, and I would do anything to make my mom stop crying like that. I hate it when she cries like that, I used to listen to her cry up in her room when I was in high school and after before I moved out, because she was in so much pain all the time. I actually used to wish she could die just so she wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore. Which to me, was really fucked up, because she's my mom and even back when we butt heads all the time, she was still my best friend and I didn't want her to die. I needed her, still do. 

But yeah, I asked my Dad to text me my aunt's number and made the call. Again, I knew things are really bad because she didn't pull any of her usual emotionally draining martyr victim crap or yell or anything like that. She got a little biblical preachy for about five minutes, but otherwise it was a really good conversation. She's got a lot stuff wrong with her and apparently there's something going on with a tube that connects to her gallbladder and supposedly it is a risky surgery. Or at least it is risky for her with all of her health issues, one of them being an ITP blood issue- aka she's a bleeder. But she's in so much pain and depressed and my aunt didn't tell me, my parents did, but she's given up on living. She just doesn't want to do it anymore. And she's terrified that my cousin Shi-chan will kill herself because she's so utterly depressed. There's a lot more going on, drama from my other two cousins that's completely disgusting. I try not to hold myself above other people, I really don't, I don't think I am better than anyone else, I generally feel like I am less, but in the case of my other two cousins from aunt, at least I am not a lying pill junky who only likes her kid as a play thing or a raging violent alcoholic.  Seriously, I am glad to not live back home just so I am not constantly exposed to their bullshit.

Anyway, I guess when it rains it pours. But I am writing again and it's made me so happy. 

Monday, March 6, 2017

Birthday, friends, pain, and other stuff

Art by Amy Brown

Today (or I guess now it is yesterday), I leveled up or rather turned 33. When I woke up to nibble enough of something to take the pain meds, it was snowing. Nothing stuck, but it was still snowing and that's all that mattered to me. 

I hope this blog makes sense, I am fighting my pain pills to write. I should go sit on the sofa for the night, but  I wanted t get some writing done today.

The day was good, very low key. The plan was to rest, watch all three extended edition Lord of the Rings  Blurays, and rest. Some of our friends stopped by to drop off food and some presents. It was all very low key and happily relaxed. There were a couple of people I hadn't seen a lot of lately that I had missed and enjoyed seeing again. We did watch the Fellowship of the Ring and the Two Towers, but I was visiting through the first and dozed off and on through the second. I'll have to re-watch them again, probably without friends over, so I can really enjoy it without distraction. One of the things I love most about watching Lord of the Rings is getting swept up in it. 

I got a couple of books for my birthday. One book was a collection of modern day Heathen Stories, Amanda bought me Neil Gaimen's Norse Myths. There were a couple of coloring books and gel pens along with a  Raccoon necklace. Later in the evening another couple of friends stopped by and dropped off Bram Stoker's Dracula Omnibus and some horrror movies. There were some bottled shots of liquor as well, but I will save them when I am finished with the pain pills. Oh and Amanda bought me a parasol that will block UV rays.

I knew there would be pain after my surgery. You don't have major sections of yourself removed and not have pain. Anyway, I figured I would be in more pain than I am. I expected to be bed ridden for at least a week if not two. But I'm not. I've been up and moving around my house, I've taken a car ride to the grocery store and even walked through the store, trying to take it easy but hurry with my shopping. Amanda thinks I am super woman, she's pleased and a little freaked out that I am doing so well. I told Amanda that the pain I am feeling through the pain pills is what I felt all the time when I had cramps. So it hurts and sometimes I want to vomit, but because it is a familiar level of pain, I'm just kind of going about my business, but being as careful as I can not to over do it. If I didn't have any pain pills I have a feeling the pain would be much worse.

Speaking of pain. I am having a bit of trouble with it when going to the bathroom. I feel very bruised inside and think I might have hurt myself the day I first went number 2. Since then going poop or farting, sometimes even peeing, has been an adventure into cold sweats, near passing-out and great deal of  pressure and pain. I can't reached around and wipe on my own ass either (Strained something awfully bad when I tried) so Amanda has to help me out there. She's been rubbing my back, getting me drinks when I ask here and there. There have been many kisses and hugs.0

 I think she is still in a  state of shock. First there was all the fear and anger and sadness and now not only did I make it through surgery, I am not doing what she expected, so it is throwing her for a loop. She's happy, but I think she also wanted to take care of me a little bit. I think she'd prepared herself for the worst, which is good. Now she's just letting me do my thing- which at the moment is writing- although she wishes I could lay down in bed with her. I want to, but I don't  feel that I can get up as easily. So I have been sleeping, sitting up, on the sofa with my feet propped up on the ottoman. 

I also woke up from surgery with a little bit of my old sass. Or maybe its just that some of my old sass is beginning to come out again. Either way, its kind of nice. 

Well, I don't know how much sense this blog is making. I am really fighting the pain pills and this post was more of me trying to get some writing done and post happier news for a change. I've tried to write the damned thing three times today. Also, our friends are a true blessing, but I will have to write about that later.
Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes on facebook!  

Thursday, March 2, 2017

The week before surgery- stuff I want to talk about.

Art by Kir-tat on Deviantart.com

I did not do so well last week or the first couple of days this week. At first I was angry and furious, which was vented and displayed in some of my previous blog posts. Amanda wasn't handling it well either and on top of that she'd been pretty miserable at work. It's not her co-workers, it's the customers, and she's really beginning to feel burnt out. When you add that I wasn't on top of things here at home to that, there were a lot of tears with us both at a loss as to what to do. 

I felt like the the dryad in the picture above, I saw doom coming and was desperately trying to cling to my home, my stability to the very last. Then something happened. I went into what my therapist called survival mode. I couldn't handle my own reality anymore and started reading. I read some of Monster Hunter International (I still need to finish it) and then read a novel length fanfiction I fell in love with years ago. I even saved the damned thing so I could print it out, put it in a binder, and keep it just in case the author ever decides to remove it. Reading her fanfic of course got me to thinking about my own, so I read several of the stories I'd written 11 years ago. That led to me wanting to rewrite one. 

Somehow in the course of reading and beginning to rewrite the fanfiction, I became manic. I stopped sleeping properly, in fact I didn't sleep much at all. I wasn't eating very much either because I simply wasn't hungry. I ended up losing about 20 pounds. I'm sure I will gain a little of that back during recovery, but I'm hoping not too much. I also wrote 97 pages in I think 5 days- the days kind of ran together on me. 

Also, the cardiology appointment wasn't really necessary, they didn't see anything wrong. But better to be safe than sorry. 

Yesterday morning, after my shower, getting dressed, and packing my hospital bag, I was still writing. When I got the hospital I mentioned that I was a little sad that I couldn't write during the day, but it is a little hard to write when a robot is removing your internal lady bits. Several of my friends were there to see me off, which made me want to cry. I've felt so alone living so far from my family and because of my depression. To see them there was wonderful. 

Amanda got to go back with me for a little bit. I had to get prepped, do an antiseptic wash down and get into my hospital gown. The hospital Chaplin came in to talk to me. While I am no longer Christian, he didn't know that, I appreciated that. The staff were really great too. There is this type of blanket that on one side it looks like a pool float mat, one of those you air up, and the other side it more a papery cloth that has tiny holes scattered throughout. They hook a tube up to it and in pumps warm air. On top of that they lay a blanket to keep you warm. It was amazing! 

However, my fears and some panic was starting to come back, a little of my numbness had faded. My anesthesiologist gave me some Valium. I certainly liked that, I got a bit giggly. Not tool long after that, I was taken to surgery. 

I think had I not had the Valium, I might have had a panic attack. The ceiling had large, round, movable lights, there were various monitors, a whole line of surgical equipment against the wall to my left, and to my right, was the robot. There were four or five arms and I couldn't decide if I was fascinated with it or afraid. I didn't have too much time to think about it, they surgical staff was introducing themselves, helping me move to the surgery bed, and before I knew it, I was going to sleep.

When I awoke, or was in the process of waking up, my left side hurt and I wanted to pee so bad. They did a bladder check but said there was nothing in my bladder. They also told me that the surgery team fills you up with gasp and fills the bladder up as well to see things better. So what I was feeling was the gas and my bladder trying to go back to its normal size. Because I was in pain, they gave me some medication. But I  was also having some difficulty breathing while laying down and it was also happening every time I started to doze off. That was apparently a side effect of anesthesia and some pain medication.  I was given water and apple sauce and moved into a chair to sit up. 

From then on it was observation time and Amanda got to come back. I got a bit cranky. There was someone who wouldn't stop talking next to me. My oxygen sats kept dropping according to the damned monitor. So they stopped using the finger one and hooked thing to my ear. But they kept messing with it that I wanted to tell them to leave it the fuck alone or just take the damned thing off. I peed 4 times while there and was up using a walker on the last two. I got a bit annoyed that I had to wait to be unhooked from the heart monitor and the nurse had to come and carry my saline and also be there in case I fell. But I never said anything to anyone, they were only doing their job.

At 1:30, I was unhooked from everything, helped into a wheel chair and taken out to the car. Because Spokane is lousy about road care, every pot hole hurt, but Amanda drove as carefully as she could and tried to avoid them as much as possible. 

We stopped at Rite Aid to drop off my prescription, grab some Sprite, and then it was home. Fiona had worked her ass off to clean up my house. She's been staying with our friend Tsuki and coming over during the day to cook or just be emotional support. It has been nice and I don't know what I'm going to do to thank her. Or everyone else really. Another friend organized a meal train and got some of our friends to sign up and they will be taking turns bringing over dinners for us so we don't have to cook or worry about cleaning. 

Emotionally, I am glad this is over. I am happy and excited to see what my life is going to be like. I am a little sad though. Even though I didn't trust my body to ever have children, now there is officially no possible way for me to have any. I always wanted kids. But even though I am a little sad, I don't have any regrets. I have my cats, am an honorary aunt to my friend's kids, and Amanda and I will adopt if we ever get to a place where we feel we can. I spoke to Amanda about it and she said she was doing some reading and there are going to be some physiological effects going along with this, but we'll deal with them as they come along.