Saturday, July 15, 2017

I shouldn't have to beg for this.

The clock is ticking downward day by day toward Amanda's and my wedding. The dresses are bought- although not completely finished- the guest list has been made, wedding party and duties designated, and the mock up of the wedding invitations finalized. It's going to be a very small affair and despite the lack of funds to do a dream wedding, we've got amazing friends who are helping us make it as lovely and perfect as possible. Not that either of us really want for much. Which brings me to the thing I wanted the most, my parents to be there.

My friend Rachel made that possible by buying my parents plane tickets. The stipulation was that I help her when she needed it at farmer's markets, which to be honest, I would have done for free any way if asked. That aside, to make sure this was going to work, I called ahead and asked my parents if this was okay, if they would come, and was given a green light. The tickets were bought and for the last month I have been helping Rachel out and have almost paid off the tickets.

So what's wrong? I spent more than a year, more like two agonizing- which seems like a strong word, but it depicts exactly how upset I have been over whether or not my parents would be there- over this issue. I've talked about paying for half their way, paying for all of it. I've politely asked. I've told them it's all I want. I've even basically, in as nice as way as possible, put my foot down and read my Dad the riot act to which he said he might be able to come up with a miracle to make it happen. Well, a miracle happened and things were really looking up. I was finally giving myself over to all the silly excitement and then my Mom mentioned something in yesterday's phone conversation about Grandma.

My parents are not doing well financially. They spend over 800 dollars in medication every month. My Dad doesn't always make enough money to pay rent and sometimes they have to ask my Grandparents for help. I know it kills my Dad to ask. I know he had ideas and principals in him where he feels like a failure and him not being able to provide completely twists him up. Both my parents have depression and pride issues. That's where I get. They will do what they can to help others before helping themselves. Which is why they are staying in Kansas instead of moving up here where there the job market is better and where they can live with us- rent free- for as long as they need. They won't leave Grandma and Grandpa. Which I wholeheartedly understand, especially since my Dad's sister wants to just throw them in a nursing home and leave it at that. Anyway, apparently Grandma has been getting after my Dad to find a different job since this one just isn't working out the way it was supposed it. Dad was promised certain things that just don't seem to be happening. Not his fault. Shit happens. Well, Mom said Dad can't get a new job now because he's coming to the wedding and they can't tell Grandma that because I don't want Grandma to know I am getting married. It is a religious issue- it would kill her if she knew it wasn't a Christian wedding. Then she said that she and my Dad feel like assholes that I'm running myself ragged so they can be here for my wedding. I told them not to, but my mom said they just do.

I kind of brushed that off and puttered along. Then Mom called today to ask me if something were to happen, if Dad got a new job and couldn't come, or if after her biopsy she couldn't travel, could she give the extra ticket to my Cousin Shi-Chan. I agreed, of course, I love my Shi-chan and it would be fantastic to have her here. But there is a problem with this. 1st, I'm scared about this black spot in my mom's mouth that she needs a biopsy on. 2nd, I'm really worried that's she's already decided that its going to be horrible, life threatening news and is planning to not be able to come to the wedding because- and she didn't say it but it was implied- undergoing chemo therapy. 3rd, I am a bit pissed that it is implied that I have trapped my Dad into the job he's currently working for the next three months and not able to do what he needs to find another one. 4th, I'm pissed that these seem like excuses to not to come.

You know, I should not have to beg my parents, who say they want to come, to come to my wedding. They do not have a problem with my being pagan. They do not have a problem with me being in a lesbian relationship. They don't even have a problem with me getting married. So why the fuck can't they just swallow their fucking pride and come up? That's the best gift they could ever give me. But I have beg? I have tried not to be pushy or selfish. I have let it go when they actually HAD money to come visit and didn't come see me up here. I've never ever been upset about having to drop everything and fly down to look after my Mom so Dad could work. I didn't even think twice about it, I just went, because they asked and because I was worried and wanted to help.

Fuck! At this point, my wedding has lost all of its excitement, all of its joy. I just want to get the paperwork from the city, have my officiant do a quick private ceremony, sign the paperwork, and then go on my honeymoon. If its not important enough for my parents, then it must not be that big of a deal period. So why put all this fuss and effort into it when I'm just going to be miserable all day that they aren't going to be there or that only one of them is. That's not fair to my friends who are putting time and energy into it. It's not fair to Amanda. And its not fucking fair to me. So fuck it. 

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Territory, Warm Mochi, and Shit!

Don't fuck with my friends!

Mostly people, if they are paying attention, can pick up that I am territorial. I'm territorial of my space, sometimes my time, and most certainly of my family and loved ones. I can be territorial of my friends too, but mostly, I'm super protective and that's not something I share often, because as Fiona remarked once, I can get really intense. Of course, I don't think Fiona has ever had someone get really fucking angry over how certain people in her life treat her. 

So, while I have been helping Rachel with her kettle corn stand at the farmer's markets, I've done a lot of people watching. People are so fucking snooty and rude. Yesterday some woman gave Rachel a dirty look and she said something to me about it. I was in the middle of eating my lunch of mushroom, carrots, the apple cinnamon oatmeal cup thing I made, and one Mochi. Mochi is a Japanese sweet treat made of rice flower and sweet red bead curd in the middle. Since it was warm out, so too was the Mochi. Anyway, I asked Rachel if she wanted me to go throw my Mochi at the woman. I told her I couldn't guarantee that I'd actually hit her, but I'd give it my best shot. She thought that was funny. But I was hot, tired, aching, and had run through most of my "nice, pleasant, polite, sweetness" that I generally endeavor to operate on. Point of fact, put me out in summer heat, in mostly direct, bright sunlight, lots of noise, screaming/ whining children, and barking dogs, then add rude people into that, and I start getting cranky. Mostly it's the heat and sunlight. I hate being hot and I have a sensitivity to light plus the stupid sun allergy and no that's not me simply being Goth and Vampire centric. That's me being cranky and pissed that someone was giving my friend a dirty look.

I had another moment of that today while I was covering another farmer's market for Rachel. She had something she had to do today so she prepopped or me last night and dropped me and the stuff off today. Well, an old man was bitching and actually said he was going to have to get after Rachel for there being burnt kernels of kettle corn in every bag he picked up. Okay, no. The kernels weren't burnt. They were barely brown and if he really had a problem with it, I would have happily handed his money back to him. It wasn't really what he said, it was how he said it. But since this is Rachel's business, I plastered a smile on my face and mentally punched him. 

As the afternoon wore on, I ended up taking out the notebook in my purse and started working on scenarios in which I worked the snoots into a story idea in which they met a grisly end or unfavorable fate. It was a great way to vent my frustration and pass the time. The market was slow. Really slow. Slow enough that I was able to read 30 pages in novel, people watch, and write short bits.

The really shit parts of my day consisted of listening to my Dad vent about my Mom and knowing exactly how he feels and at the same time knowing that on some level my Mom can't help some of it. Still, when you are there, dealing with it, it gets very overwhelming.  Then I got a letter in the mail about my student loans informing me that I have to pay a portion or all of the interest by July 31st and I just got them deffered because I can't pay them at the moment. I haven't had a chance to read the letter in detail, I just skimmed through it. And I got a big packet from them too, which makes me nervous. I am still having pains in my stomach around the surgery incisions. Surely I should be completely healed up in that department by now.

On a happier note I got to cuddle with Thorin for quite a while this morning. He was by the door when I got home too.  Tomorrow I am going to do some stuff for me while I recuperate from the last two days. I was thinking about setting up on the sofa to watch anime and cuddle with the cats. I thought about keeping the curtains closed and turning the air conditioner down to about 65 so I could curl up with a soft blanket and pillows too. I have Green Tea ice cream and Sangria sorbet for treats if I want something sweet. Oh and I made bread the other night, so I can make grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch! 

Monday, July 10, 2017

I made stuff, migraine, fatigue, bad sleep, and cuddly cats

Remember that picture I posted of myself the other day. Well, this one is a better one in my opinion. 

I have been pretty busy these last several days. We went shopping at Fred Meyer for groceries and then we checked out a new store called My Fresh Basket. It opened up in Kendall Yards. My Fresh Basket a bit pretentious but they do have some specialty things that we haven't found elsewhere. I bought a bar of Sandalwood soap as a treat.  Anyway, because we have adopted a new food diet, I made sure we had plenty of fruits and veggies, which meant that I was in the kitchen cutting, slicing, and chopping- doing food prep- pretty much most of the weekend. When I wasn't doing that, I was cooking or baking. I made a peach pie and a Strawberry pie- both of which have been eaten. Last night I made eggplant parm without the parm. I also decided to make my own Popsicles. The above was supposed to be strawberry pomegranate but I forgot the pomegranate.   

This one is lavender lemonade with real lavender. I also used some of my lavender syrup, not a lot. 

Here is peach pineapple.

And this is vanilla matcha. I have a vanilla coffee syrup and I used just a little to sweeten the matcha.

I have been very exhausted the last several days. I have trouble focusing and staying awake sometimes and others I feel sick. At night I've had some trouble sleeping in bed again and end up on the sofa. Today, I woke with a migraine and it only grew worse as the day progressed. Thankfully, after some coffee, alieve, and laying down for a bit, its disappeared. However, I tried to make vegan apple cinnamon breakfast cups and misread the recipe for lack of being able to focus, and put in too much vanilla. Amanda had to take over for me and double the recipe. That did the trick. I decided to make bread today. It has been rising a little longer than usual, but I need it to double in size and with the air conditioner going, it's been a slow process. 

I am a bit annoyed with my Mom. I called to talk yesterday and during our conversation she informed me that I wasn't going to lose weight just because I decided to go vegetarian. Um, thanks. What the fuck?! I don't get it. We were vegetarian for a whole year when I was a kid. They still cook stuff from the vegetarian cookbooks they have, granted it's not much, but still. Plus me being vegetarian affects her in no way except for the the week or so she and Dad will be visiting in October. If she's worried that I am going to become one of those self important, high horse, condemn you for eating meat vegetarians, she's mistaken AND she should know me better than that. More importantly, I should have to feel that I have to justify myself for trying to see if this will be better for me health wise and reduce my physical pain.

On a much happier note, my cats have been very cuddly lately. Even Narcisa. She actually let me lay my head lightly on her last night. She even purred! 

Saturday, July 8, 2017

A book to bitch about and the reviews I cannot understand but somehow give me hope in an uncomfortable sort of way.

I just finished reading the above pictured book, Princess Dracula by John Patrick Kennedy... 

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised, I knew going into this that it was 1. a self published novel and 2. probably not going to be the best writing. Still there were some good ratings, anyone that knows me knows I like vampire movies and books, and I've been wanting to read some self published work because there are decent authors self publishing all the time. Oh and I liked the synopsis of the story. 

Well within the first 3 pages of the book I found the first of many typos. I thought, okay, no big deal even the best editor miss a few in the mainstream publishing houses. But it wasn't just typos, the actual writing wasn't very good. Still, I have a policy to stick with a book for at least 50 pages because you never know, it might just be a rocky start and then it will pick up. 

At page 70 I felt like the best of the novel had already happened in the beginning and it was a struggle to keep reading. Amanda had picked it up- because I left it in the bathroom- and skimmed through it and didn't seem all that impressed. So, I just decided to skim through. I wasn't really missing much as it turned out. Honestly, I was glad to be done with it so I could move on to something else. 

I posted a review and gave a 1 star rating on Goodreads (1 star means I didn't like it), and said that an editor or even beta reader could and and would have caught the typos. I did add that I thought the idea was good. What I didn't say was that most of the book sucked or that "dude should have edited his own work before ever thinking about pushing it through createspace to be published through amazon". Look, I know that I don't edit my blog posts very often and that's totally me being lazy or rushed, but they are blog posts. If I were trying to publish a novel, I would edit the fuck out of it, give it to a couple of friends, and then give it to Amanda as a last run through regardless if I was sending it to an agent or editor of a publishing house or self publishing it. 

Anyway, I was curious to see how Mr. Kennedy got his reviews, if the bag were lumped in with the good to help him sell more books. As it turns out he has tons of 5 and 4 star reviews on Goodreads and even more 3 star reviews. So, I went to see what these people were saying and promptly started banging my head on my desk in complete frustration. Someone actually gave him high praise because it was a great story and she should know because she'd read tons of vampire books. Has she? Has she really? Because while I haven't read tons, I've read several that are leaps and bounds better in story and execution. 

In the end, in an uncomfortable sort of way, I suppose this sort of thing gives me hope. If something like Princess Dracula can gain so many good reviews even as riddled with errors, plot holes, and bad writing, maybe I could get good reviews too? Or possibly get published? Who knows? 

Friday, July 7, 2017

Food Truck, Brewery, Fat Girl Yoga, House meeting, and date day.

Today, or rather yesterday, was an eventful day. You'll have to excuse me, I'm typing this sans glasses because I left them in the bedroom when I came out to make myself some Sleepytime tea, because I can't get my brain to shut the fuck up. We have to be up early in the morning else I would just take some melatonin and call it good. Anyway, since I can't sleep, I thought I would tell you about this day I had. 

Firstly, I think it was the first day this summer that we have had 100 degree F weather. Words cannot express my disdain for that kind of heat. My happy place it right around 65 degrees F. In fact, The fact that I enjoy it and snicker wickedly while my friends are donning hoodies and blankets while visiting makes all the more pleasurable. 

Secondly, I had a hell of a time staying awake yesterday morning. I even fell asleep reading subtitles on an anime I was watching while drinking coffee. That almost never happens. So, I gave up and went to the bedroom for a nap. I even asked a friend to call me if I wasn't online by a certain time. Thorin was only too thrilled for a morning nap and curled up with me. He was not, however, happy with my new obnoxious alarm. 

During the main part of the day, I chatted with a couple of people via phone and also tried to get some stuff together for the meeting we are having today with a guy in the 1st time home buyer's program. Then my friend Rachel swung by to pick me up, we went to the park and ride to get my car, and headed downtown to pick up Amanda from work. From there we located the Fat Girl Yoga studio and went on a hunt for food. Rachel saw one of the food trucks she's friends with in the food truck association and we pulled over for that. 

I had the Tex Mex Quesadilla because it was the only vegetarian thing on the menu I could eat. The Thai burrito with tofu sounded great, but I have a peanut allergy. It was really good! The food truck was called Crate and they were parked in the Bellwether Brewing Co's parking lot, I guess to help them drum up some more business. 

So, we took our food inside and tried Bellwether's mead. This mead was made of honey, mushrooms, and dandelion root. It was good too, although once Amanda learned that it had mushrooms in it, she liked it a little less. She hates mushrooms. 

Next up was our free introductory class at Fat Girl Yoga. It wasn't a very long class and for all my bodily troubles such as: hurting my knee recently, the herniated disk in my lower back, and fibro, and a recent hysterectomy, I did pretty well. I did everything everyone else was doing, maybe not fully because well, I am fat as fuck, out of shape as fuck, and it was first time. I learned a few things. 1. I need a sports bra because I do not enjoy smothering myself in my double d boobs. 2. I don't really need glasses to do yoga, especially when they want to slide down my nose from the sweat. 3. I like it despite the fact that my body shakes in a way that's kind of nerve wracking and despite that my legs don't like to stay straight. 4. I do better with the on the floor poses than the standing poses. and 5. I could stand up straight when we left to come home, straighter than I have in a long time without leaning one way or the other. Rachel already signed up for 3 more classes. Amanda and I are going to do the same today. There weren't a lot of people, the instructor was really nice and not a twig, and it's a very relaxed, easy going atmosphere.

Later today, after I have slept, and we have gone to our house meeting, we are going on a date. The plan was to go to the movies, but the only movie I want to see- okay there are two- isn't out yet. I want to see Valerian and The City of a Thousand Planets. Guardian's of the Galaxy 2 we will see this Wednesday at the Garland. So, I suppose we will just go to lunch, then run a couple of errands, maybe check out an interesting new grocery store we saw today, and hit up Red Box for a couple of movies. Honestly, I am expecting to hurt more later today than I am hurting now. Yes, I am feeling the aches from doing yoga. I took some Alieve and my tea is has kicked in a little, so I'm off to bed.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Strange things afoot, happy puzzling things, and not so nice things

Not sure if I mentioned this before, but our friend Rachel watched a disturbing documentary called What the Health on Netflix here at our house. One could claim it a documentary that totes the vegan agenda, but I'm not so sure, not when I've had a previous doctor talk about a couple of the things that were mentioned in the film. The film mostly talks about how meat and dairy affect our bodies and what happens when you stop eating those things. Yesterday, we watched a supporting film at her house called Vegucation, and that one you kind of need to be prepared for or skip some of the farm scenes because it is graphic. The vicious animal abuse the food industry gets away with is criminal. I've been to a farm many times growing up and I know it is possible to treat animals with respect and kindness, even if they are being raised for sustenance, so I was a bit shocked by just how horrible animals are being treated in the big industry farms. This film deals with the meat and dairy industry primarily. Since Amanda and I both love animals and have both been vegetarian in our younger years,  we decided become so again. Amanda wants to push toward being a vegan but I'm not quite there. I could give up milk just fine, its the butter and cheese I'm worried about. We are going to try a few substitutes though. 

While out to dinner with Amanda's cousin from Seattle and his family, he asked about when we are going to be in Seattle for our honeymoon in October. We didn't know exact dates just yet because we are still trying to finalize what all we are going to do, but we gave him a rough estimate. He said as soon as we know, let him know and where we would like to stay because he and his wife want to cover our hotel stay. I was shocked. I wanted to cry. I'm not used to people outside of my family doing such tremendous things for me or us and when they do I always wonder why. A couple of friends let us stay with them when Amanda was starting to work at the paper just until we could get into an apartment. They helped us move our furniture even. But its not just these big things, its the little things too. I don't know how I'm going to repay these wonderful people. 

In other news, my therapist stumbled on a place in town called Fat Girl Yoga and thought of me. The first class is free so she wanted to know if I would try it. I went to the website and looked at it and signed up for the first class. I also got Amanda signed up and showed my friend Chris and my friend Rachel. They are signed up too. I figure, heck yeah, I'll do it. Chris and I have been wanting to get Yoga started together for awhile, this just might jump start us. Also, I can ask some questions and see about what not to do in regards to my back. 

Lastly, another group of kids have been on our patio, this time to play with some of our stuff. Since we've already had a pumpkin stolen (which was why we decided not to plant them this year), we aren't going to put up with that crap. I scared the little brat who was trying to make off with our watering can and glared at her older sister who was heading over with some attitude. She shut her mouth quick and pulled her sister away. Definitely going to speak to the office about this. None of these kids have boundaries and none of the parents around here seem to care. My parents would have kicked my ass for this crap when I was growing up and no because they were strict, but for respect for others and their property. 

One final note, for my American friends, I hope you all had a happy and safe 4th of July! We ended the day by driving up a mountain high enough that we could see the fireworks from downtown Spokane and the ones in Airway Heights. Two shows plus what everyone else was shooting off for nothing. Then we sat in the dark to admire the twinkling lights of the city and the stars. The moon was so bright! It was awesome!     

Monday, July 3, 2017

Background nostalgia, angry sass, and what the fuck was that?!

Lately, as in within the last week or so, Amanda and I have begun our mornings with coffee and watching NHK World. Generally we get half an hour of news and then half an hour of whatever program comes on before or after it- just kind of depends on when we turn on the TV. Then she heads off to work and I leave the channel on in the background while I either take a nap or begin puttering about the house doing whatever it is I need to do. Sometimes I just sit and watch it for a little bit. But I was trying to figure out why I like having it on so much, I mean other than the channel having news I can actually stand and some interesting programs about Japan and Japanese culture. While I was in the bathroom today, I could hear it and realized after I had an odd memory tug, that it is nostalgia. It is summer, the air conditioner is making the house pleasantly cold, and the sound of a news caster filling the house reminds me of summers growing up. My Mom used to watch the news at noon before her soap operas came on for the afternoon. Our house nearly always felt cold and it was nice because I could curl up with a blanket and pillow and just be. So, in this sense, I suppose its a comfort.

This weekend I let some of my normally restrained sass out. I was saying all manner of things. It happens when I get pissed. Aside from hurting my knee, my heel cracked, and the damned neighbor kids were driving me nuts. Now, instead of just ripping up the grass and throwing it and twigs at my patio door, they are banging on the glass. All day the other day they were doing it no matter how many times I asked them to stop. I told them they could look at the kitties but they had to stay off the patio. I was ignored. After about three times of asking them to go away, I snapped at them. It didn't help. The lady who watches them wasn't doing anything and at the advice of Chris, I will be filing a formal complaint. My agitation continued througout the day and into the next. I also had some weird ass dreams that unsettled me and I don't remember why. I know that the Queen of England and Benedict Cumberbatch was in one dream and there was something to do with WW2, and a table in a room with markers and construction paper. I am still bothered by it. 

Yesterday was better. Amanda and I had a bit of a lazy day. She did some laundry and made us breakfast and we both made dinner. I made some no bake cookies with sunflower butter and we watched a comedian on Netflix. I started an anime but ended up turning it off to go to bed early. By that, I mean I laid on the bed and played with Thorin for a little bit. That's where I got myself into some trouble. Amanda came in and wanted me to move so we could put the clean sheets on. I had been laying on my stomach and as I rolled, sat up and started to slide off the bed (our bed is up high) I had one of the most horrible pains throughout my middle that I have ever felt. I can't even really describe it except that it was so bad I wanted to vomit and got that cold clammy pass out feeling. It subsided a little after a few minutes, but I was so sore after that I could't get comfortable in bed. I ended up sleeping on the sofa, which sucked. I still don't know what the hell happened. I feel better today. My friend Chris thinks I pulled some muscles. Could be. 

The good news for today is that I did my hair and make up today. I haven't felt up to doing either in awhile. I also signed up for Fat Girl Yoga, the first class is free. I figure that will give me enough of an idea of whether or not I can do it to see if I want to continue on and register for more classes. I also figure it will give me an idea of how best to position myself so I don't hurt myself. Other than that, my friend Chris is coming over for dinner tonight and we may or may not paint. 

Thursday, June 29, 2017

2 hours, tears, frustration

Yesterday was not my favorite day. I was so tried and never really felt like I woke up. Thank's fibro fog, you're just a gem. Anyway, I decided to back away from the computer and scrap doing anything productive, to sit on the sofa and watch something on Netflix. Somewhere along the way I picked up my current embroidery project. soon enough Amanda came home, we ordered pizza, kept watching the show I was watching, and soon enough it was a raining. Then my cousin Shi-Chan, She's the girl on the left in the photo above (which was taken last time I visited my family), called. We haven't talked in a while. Neither of us like being on the phone for too long. We both have anxiety about it, but somehow, we stayed on the phone with each other for 2 hours. OMG I miss her so fucking much. We're 7 months apart in age and are pretty close. I wish she and her boyfriend lived up here. 

After talking to her, I told Amanda I wanted to finish a section of my embroidery project and then I would go to bed. She needed to go sooner and wanted me to go with her. I decided to take it with me. During the usual getting ready for bed routine, I got upset about a lot of things, and ended up crying. Amanda and I were talking about said things and then I got sick. Exhausted, I went with Amanda to bed. Of course, I couldn't get comfortable in bed and couldn't sleep, but I don't really remember going to the sofa and I only vaguely remember Amanda giving me a cup of coffee and saying something about keys and her going to be late to work. 

When I finally did wake up this morning, it was a little after 9 am. I called my Grandma, because I haven't talked with her for a while. It was a good call. She sounds pretty good considering. Since then I've made myself breakfast, cleaned some in the bathroom, and sat down to embroider some more. It's been very calm and quite, relaxing. And then I went to get the mail, stepped wrong somehow, and hurt my knee. I'm so mad! I'm supposed to be walking five minutes a day and I can't even walk two minutes to get the damn mail without hurting myself. I've had it. I'm done. I can't freaking win. Good thing I have therapy tomorrow. Yay! 

The good news is that when the neighbor kids came over to start banging on my patio door and screech at the cats, they saw me and backed away. They haven't been back, thankfully. So, I've had the curtains open and have been able to look outside and see the flowers and herbs.     

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Good bye Graveyard tan, Butt Burn, Moana, and Apartment Management.

It is official, my Graveyard tan is being destroyed. I've burned, I've broken out in hives, and I've burned again. Today, I am letting myself lament it's passing while I struggle to get the day going. I couldn't sleep last night, at least, not until after 2 am, and this morning, I had the worst time waking up and stay awake. There is still a strong pull for me to go lay down on the sofa with the heating pad and a blanket and do just that. But I have so much to do, that it is just not possible. 

Yesterday's work at the Kettle corn stand was not what I wanted it to be. I have to keep reminding myself that I am neither a super human nor can do the things I used to. If I am completely honest, I force myself through the day. Helping Rachel set up takes so much out of me and I can't even do half of what she does. It's not even that hard. Tear down is so much worse because by the time we tear down, I've sat in the heat all day, all ready helped her set up as much as I was able, walked to and from the bathroom, and helped bag some kettle corn. It really is pathetic and so frustrating. By the time I got home last night, I was so tried and in so much pain. To clarify, I am venting about my frustration with my body, not the work, the work is fine. 

Last night Amanda wanted to do something nice for me. She rubbed my feet and my legs with lotion while we were in bed and it felt so freaking good. She also discovered a small blister on my butt. I told her a person moves really fast when they sit down on a molten, sugar coated popcorn kernel. One flew out of Rachel's kettle and into my chair and I happened to sit on it. I laughed at the time. 

Moana was awesome! We recently watched it and Amanda and I loved it. The music is good, the story is wonderful, and I love the character growth. Seriously, go watch it if you haven't. 

So, we are having quite the little problem with our apartment managers right now. They scheduled a meeting to which both Amanda and I had to be present last month, but Amanda couldn't make it because she works a full time job. We were NEVER given a secondary scheduled meeting time and got a notice on our front door stating we missed the 2nd meeting and if we miss the next one, it is ground to terminate our lease and we will have to find somewhere else to live. Oh fuck no! I'm going to be having a little chat with the manager either tomorrow or Friday, because that's bull shit, period.  

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Kettle Corn and book annoyances

Pretty much my expression last night.

So I helped my friend with her Kettle Corn stand at the farmer's market the other day. It went well for the most part. The set up and tear down takes 45 minutes each and I am just not able to do that yet. I tried, I really did, but I felt like such an ass hat for having to sit down every couple of minutes. It still makes me angry. But for the rest of it, I did okay. I got to sit and sell her kettle corn, up sell her punch cards, and I reminded her to go take a picture to post on Instagram and Facebook saying where she was to help bring herself business. 

That's the good news. The bad news is that I was exhausted by the time I got home and suspect a little heat exhaustion to be part of that. I didn't even try to sleep in bed, just stayed on the sofa. Yesterday was spent on the sofa for most of the day as well. I was tired and slept off and on through the day. I think my body needed time to recover not only physically but also because my allergies were aggravated and I was in the heat all day the day before. I do not do well in the heat and having a kettle heating the area behind you doesn't help that much.

While I was camped on the sofa yesterday evening, I decided to finish Into the Fire by Jeaniene Frost, the last in her Night Prince series. I love this series and i did enjoy the end but I was a little annoyed with the end. While I had put the book down for a week or two because I wanted to prolong the ride- I didn't remember the main character explaining so much before. That pretty much ticked me off. I was like "I know, Leila, they just said that," or "I got it, you don't have to tell me,". It was weird and I did not like the stuff with Marty. Then again, I never really liked Marty, he was annoying to me, but with that said, I did like his relationship to Leila. I think Frost could write another novel with Leila and Vlad, there are some things that were left open and unresolved, things I want to know more about.

After finishing Into the Fire, I picked up Princess Dracula by John Patrick Kennedy. This is a self published novel I found on Amazon. The risk you run with self published novels is that a lot of times they aren't edited or edited very well. I've only read three chapters and have found several typos and some grammatical errors. The pace feels a little bit rushed but I have reminded myself that it is only a 200 page novel. So far the story is interesting and I am curious to see where it goes.  

Monday, June 19, 2017

10 minutes in the sun, camping, cats

My cats are all over me today. In fact, Thorin has been following me all through the house, he's been very vocal, and Narcisa has be super cuddly. They missed us. We were only gone two days and one night. I don't know what they will do when Amanda and I go on our honeymoon after we get married. 

We went camping this weekend. There wasn't a need for us to rush this time and we took it easy getting to our friend's house out in the country where we were camping. Because we were the only couple staying with a tent, we decided to camp inside for the night. That made Amanda happy, she didn't have to pitch the tent. We had dinner, drank, and played Cards Against Humanity. We also spent some time just talking before bed. That was Saturday. Yesterday, we had breakfast and eventually made it outside to make altar cloths with sun developing dye. After that we me our friend's Grandma before doing a small ritual for midsummer before dinner. It was getting a little late, so we headed home. It was a nice relaxing and easy going weekend. 

I'm losing my vampire tan. In the ten minutes I was in direct sunlight yesterday, I got a little sunburn. It isn't bad, but it is a enough that  my face and chest are hot and sore today. I don't seem to have broken out in hives this time, but I am itchy. I'm hoping that my allergy medication is helping with the brunt of that. Amanda was in direct sunlight a good deal longer and was very red last night. She even had some bumps. 

I am taking it easy for the rest of the day because tomorrow I am helping my friend Rachel with her Kettle Corn stand at a farmer's market. She bought my parent's plane tickets so they could come to my wedding and I'm paying her back by working for her once a week. I'm still in shock that she would do that for me. I'm so grateful and when she did, I just wanted to cry. I am also very nervous about helping her. I'm not quite walking for five minutes a day (without a grocery cart in front of me to lean on) but I do get to sit down. There's also a good deal of nervousness because while I know I will work my ass off for her (the market she's at on Tuesdays is very busy) I don't want to let her down or mess something up for her. But, at the same time, like one of my other friends said, it will be good for me. I might get a little of my confidence back. 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Screwed up, trying the new thing, keep flexible

This is the schedule I came up with. I decided that it is a base kind of everyday schedule because I am not home every day and sometimes we have company and what not. For instance twice a month I go grocery shopping and spend a lot of time doing food prep. Sometimes I go to the library or go out to do errands with friends. On those days things will have to be different, but the most part this is what I am trying to get settled into routine. 

Yesterday sucked! I have been having a lot of trouble with showers since we moved into this apartment. I panic while taking them and sometimes that panic spills over afterward into my after shower routine. I hate it. Amanda hasn't liked showering in this apartment either. Our concussion after trying different things to make it better, is that the damned shower is just too small. Our bathroom kind of stupidly set up anyway. Amanda thinks it's my claustrophobia kicking off. So, yesterday's shower was awful, not the least bit relaxing, and by the time I sat down to dry off, put on my lotion, moisturizer, toner, ect... I couldn't do the after shower routine, all I could do was ride out the panic attack- which was gods awful! I hardly cry so hard I'm screaming, but that sort of episode hits, it's doesn't hold back and everything floods me. I hate that too.

Amanda wanted to go swimming yesterday in the apartment pool, but as usual the damned thing was closed. It seems every time she goes, the pool is closed or it is so disgusting none of us want to get in it. We are paying for the damned thing, why cant they keep it clean for us. Worse, I've noticed that the swim class they had is no longer listed for our community events. We have sit and fit and walk with your neighbors, neither of which is every day. I also haven't seen anyone head to the pool for awhile. This sicks because I'm finally feeling up to swimming again. I mean I can go without worrying I'll overflow a tampon, I no longer have the organs to do that. Floating in cool water, slipping under the surface to be encompassed all around, and gliding through water was one of my favorite things to do. I even used to swim competitively. I miss it so much. But, we pay for a pool we can't use.

We went to Rachel's last night for dinner and to hang out. Rachel has been working on her back yard and it's really coming along beautifully. She's put up some decorations, doing some brick and stone work, planted some flowers and catnip and has plans for vegetables too. She's even going to build a fire pit. Since it was a nice evening, I sat outside and talked with her while she was working. The wind felt so nice in the shade and I could have taken a nap. 

When we went inside, I cut her hair. She really liked it. Then she trimmed my hair and Amanda wanted to play too. I cut her hair and screwed up. I cut too much off for her liking. She always says she doesn't care about her hair and threatens to shave it off. Well, in my hope and effort to get a lot of the dead ends off and to help it look healthier, I took off several inches and cut it straight across and did light layering to frame her face. But Amanda doesn't like straight across hair cut and I didn't know that. She also didn't like the length. The frizz of her hair makes it a little difficult to pull back out of her face but I told her I will get up every morning to do her hair so it looks nice while it's growing out. It is my penance. Also, I promised to micro trim her hair to help it to grow faster. 

But the evening doesn't end there. We came home last night our house smells funny. We think it is the trash and how stuffy it gets in here when the air conditioner isn't going. Amanda took a shower and ended up getting sick while doing so. I could barely help her, I don't have a strong stomach when it comes to that. She got things cleaned up and finished her shower. I had a big, fluffy towel waiting for her, and I doctored an ouchie on her finger. 

We didn't get to sleep until well after 3 am and had to be up today by 6:30. 

Today will be better. I'm going to make it so.   

Sunday, June 11, 2017

New experiences, books, doing stuff

Stephanie Pui Mun Law

I've had some interesting experiences as of late. My therapist told me to look her in eye and tell her that I hate her. I don't and the whole situation almost had me in tears. I couldn't do it. She told me if I couldn't tell her that, then I should't be saying it to myself. Yeah, I know that, but breaking all the negitive thoughts- the depression monster in my head- is going to be a long hard road. She also wants me to look in the mirror every morning and say "I want to love you". I tried it yesterday. I felt nothing. In fact, it felt kind of like a lie. This is going to be an uphill battle all the way.  I told Amanda I didn't know if I ever would completely love myself or my body. Not when I feel that my body has betrayed me so terribly. 

Speaking of my body. I think I am going to invest in a yoni egg. I'm really scared and worried about my pelvic floor. Apart from that I have had a hell of a time trying to sleep. Either my brain doesn't want to shut off or I've been in too much pain to get comfortable. Needless to say, I've not been either really sad or down right pissed. With that, I've also decided that I'm not going to wait any longer, it has been three months since surgery and if I am careful with exercise, I should be fine. I'm going to do some stuff sitting down and do some core strengthening on the sofa. It will have to be done slow and gently, but I have got to get control of things or I'm really going to fall apart. 

I've placed holds and borrowed several books from the library recently. From Japanese flower arrangement to how to make Kimono and some Japanese cooking, I've been diving right back into Japan! Part of it is SCA related, I've finally decided to do a Japanese persona from the Heian period, and part of it is just because I really like Japanese cooking and culture. 

Doing stuff. Last night I wrote out the things that I feel make me happy or that I need to do to make feel successful in a day. I addressed it with Amanda and said I don't need to do these things every day, they can be shifted and changed throughout the week, but they do need to happen. Some things do need to happen every day and those I will be guarding closely. So, today, I'm going to work on a weekly base schedule that I can start implementing this coming week. But first, I promised a certain little orange kitty (Thorin) cuddles.

Friday, June 9, 2017

Spider on the glasses, general update, and making a new schedule

Last night sleep stood me up, so instead of tossing and turning in bed- and because I was hurting- I decided to get up and do something constructive. I made myself some planner stickers with some pretty moon pictures I found on pinterest. I even made my own template, which was kind of pain because I was basically watching youtube vids and teaching myself how to do stuff- some was refresher, but some of it wasn't. 

Since I didn't get sleep last night, I thought I was seeing shit this morning when I took Amanda to the bus stop. Turns out I wasn't, there really was something dangling from my glasses and it was a tiny spider. Normally I would have freaked, cried, and thrown things. But, I think because I was behind the wheel of a car and even though it was in park, something in my head flipped the calm switch. I took off my glasses and got a napkin then squished the thing. Do not say anything that spider broke the treaty. I have a policy if it's in the house Amanda takes it outside or I kill it, same goes for the car, especially since it was ON ME! Anyway, I thought I was doing pretty well except for the rest of the morning I kept thinking stuff was crawling on me and even had moments where I imagined spiders bursting through my skin. Yeah, I was NOT a happy camper. Needless to say after my therapy appointment and after lunch, I promptly sat on the sofa with the heating pad (because I hurt my back again recent- upper back this time) and took a nap. Thankfully sleep didn't stand me up this time.

We've been a bit busy lately. We've had dinner at a friend's house, friends have had dinner here, and we've had a wedding party planning party. Add some errands, grocery shopping, sleeping most of an entire day away, and I haven't really played too much on the internet. Or even really been on my computer that much. But that is going to change per se, after this weekend. A lot is going to change after this weekend, at least for me. I can't wait around anymore on my body or on other people. So I am going to make myself a new schedule and try it out. I know I keep talking about it, but I just need to do it. I need to stop trying to accommodate everyone else and just accommodate myself for a change. 

Thursday, June 1, 2017

The next step, disconnection, love/hate me

The last several days have flown by. I've been a bit busy and had to stop and ask myself or consult my phone to remember what day it was. Anyway, I have been out of the house a lot, helping some friends run errands and taking them to appointments. It kind of caught up with me yesterday. Last night I had pain from the middle of my back down to my toes and it hurt to breathe. I had to take a pain pill and go to bed early. However, it didn't do me much good because I couldn't get comfortable and ended up only sleeping two hours. I've spent the last three surfing the internet with that groggy, hungover, heavy feeling from the pain pill.  

I am too fucking young for this shit.

But it brings me to something that is uncomfortable: the disconnect between myself and my body. My therapist is moving me toward addressing it since I've had the hysterectomy and my new depression meds seem to be working out for me. She also has me reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. The books is basically about learning to let go of all the crap and learning to be self accepting and  'enough'. The second chapter has been difficult for me, it's about cultivating self compassion. That seems to be a theme of sorts that keeps popping up. 

Yesterday a friend of mine shared this video by Dove about 'real beauty'.  


In it the woman talks about a disconnection of her with her body and love affair she'd been missing. It made me cry because I have the desire to love my body, to be happy with it, to be 'enough', but I hate it. I feel that my body has betrayed me. When I look at myself in the mirror I see me but I don't feel connected to it. It's like I see myself but I think that's not my body. It doesn't feel right. It's complicated, compounded by years of PCOS, Fibromyalgia, and a herniated disk in my lower back. I feel as if my body has stolen so much time and life from me. It has ripped dreams from my hopeful hands and laughed in my face replacing them with pain and blood. I hate it. I want to punish my body for being a monstrous, vicious whore bitch. I have punished it before. I've been so angry that I've beaten myself with my fists. I've cut myself. I've fantasized about taking a gardening trowel and raking my skin off or just cutting chunks of me off. And all the while I hear my Grandpa's voice in my head saying "you used to be such a pretty girl". 

I told Amanda yesterday that I really would be content being heavier if I could wear the clothes I dream of wearing. I don't need to be a size 10 or less. I would be happy at size 18-20. I don't need perfect. I need functional. I need to be able to live, to go places and do things and not be afraid to do so. I don't even care about being pain free, I can deal with pain, I have for a long time, we are old friends. I know how to navigate the fibro and bad back days. I just want to enjoy life, to love myself and be connected to all of me, to kick ass in my own unique way not struggle through anymore. 

All of that said, there is some light in all of this. I've let go of trying to be the 1950s house wife with a career and kids and avid church goer that my Grandma wanted me to be. I'm a house wife for sure, but I'm slowly letting the expressions of me come out and saying fuck all to anyone who has a problem with it. That's progress for a people pleaser I think.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Tree and flower sex, Hushed Whispers, blanket monster, new meds, and laying it on the table.

Hushed Whispers by Katorius on Deviant art.

Last night I began taking new depression medication. I'm not sure how that's going to go, but today I'm feeling pretty good. Well, aside from my OTC allergy medication not quite cutting it. It is that time of year when all the trees and flowers are having sex and spreading their yellow sex dust around. Every time I go to the car I see a thin yellow layer of it on the windshield. Still, I have far less trouble living in the Northwest than I did growing up in Kansas. But the last couple of days I have had watery eyes that somehow still feel like sandpaper every time I blink. On top of that, I suspect an algae bloom or something in the water because my stomach is not happy. The weather has also turned hot and sunny this week, thus I have turned on the air conditioner. 

Thorin loves to sleep with Amanda and I. Often times, he will sleep between us but lately, since it's been hot in our bedroom and we've not used blankets, he's been sleeping near my feet. Well, that's fine, until he attacks your toes and feet for daring to move. When there are no blankets, the blanket monster is on vacation, but try telling him that. So, not only is it hot in the bed, not only is Amanda a veritable furnace when she sleep, not only does she snore and laugh in her sleep, not only does she like to slip her hands under me and try to push me off the bed in her sleep, but Thorin likes to attack me. It is a miracle that I get any sleep.

Hushed Whispers, the art piece above, felt oddly appropriate today. Sometimes it feels like the characters from my stories are the phantom in the picture, whispering to me, trying to pull me in their direction, which is freaking awesome, except several are doing it all at once and I can't seem to decide who to go with. I get a little discombobulated with it all and sometimes even feel a little guilty when I am giving one set of characters attention over the others. To normal people that probably sounds absolutely bonkers, but if you are a writer, that might make sense or at least you might be able to sympathize. Needless to say I haven't written anything since I finished the fanfic story, but I have been going through some of my old stories, some of the short ones, and there's so much I want to play with. 

Okay, as uncomfortable as this is, I'm going to lay some things out on the table in the hopes that I can help myself get the ball rolling again. I'm trying to lose weight. At the moment I'm sitting at 403 lbs and with my pear shaped body (thank you Great Grandma Ester), I look more than frumpy. I've been given the "okay" by my doctor to start doing light exercise like walking and other things, so long as I don't aggravate the herniated disk in my lower back and I am to be careful of my core muscles because I should be finishing up the healing from the hysterectomy. Just because it was five small incisions, my abdominal wall was cut into and the doctor doesn't want me to get excited do some crunches or something and hurt myself. That said there are some sit and be fit exercises I want to look up and try and we blew up my yoga/palates ball for me to sit on. Funny story, I actually fell off it recently, or rather I lost my balance and rolled back into the sofa. I hit my back and got stuck and Amanda had to come and save me.  

So, I told Amanda no more fast food. If we are going to eat out, let's just go to a restaurant. It will cost more so we don't do it as much and it will be more enjoyable. Secondly, we have to cut down the portion size. It's hard sometimes. When I was having hormonal fluctuations with the PCOS and bleeding all the time, I could never get anything regulated. I am hoping that I can now. Speaking of, something weird is going on, I have been craving sweets. I have always been a salt person- as in eating it plain, but lately, I just want chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream every day. I'm a little weirded out by that.

Anyway, those are just some things I want to try working on or with. I am kind of hoping that I can lose some weight before m wedding. I have no high expectations, but if I could lose twenty lbs, that would be nice. I've got 4-5 months to do it in. 

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Therapist, doctor, and The Goblin

Just to see if it worked, I added the Dramafever channel on my Roku and then perused the selection. When I stumbled on Goblin the lonely and Great God, I thought it looked really cute and decided it would be the show I tested to see if I could watch. Yep, I can watch stuff from Dramafever for free but it has a lot of repetitive and obnoxious commercials. The show is really cute by the way and if you like Korean Dramas or want to try one out, I think this one is going to be a good choice. 

Moving on. I went to my doctor's appointment this week. The verdict is that we are going to try me on another antidepressant medication and if I do well with it, she is going to put me on a weight loss medication in a month to get the ball rolling. I am able to begin exorcising but it has to be low impact and nothing that's going to work my core too much, but only for a little while longer. My doctor just wants to make sure everything is nice and healed up and that I don't aggravate the herniated disk in my lower back. When we were talking about my depression she mentioned that she thinks I have some PTSD from the whole mess with my cancer scare and the crap I went through with the gyno and getting the surgery. I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around all of that and now I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the notion of my having PTSD. 

So I talked to my therapist yesterday about it. She also thinks I have PTSD and not just from that but from a few other things. But I didn't that was possible. PTSD is for people who have been attacked or abused and most certainly for combat veterans. My therapist said yes to all of that but it's like there are certain type or varying degrees of PTSD. I talked to my Dad about it and he is of the impression that to say I have PTSD cheapens what happens to people like combat verterans- which was kind of how I felt in a way. He said that yes, I had had some trauma but it wasn't anything like what veterans have experienced. But on the other hand I am struggling what that too. It;s hard to explain. I'm not playing a victim card because I don't do that, I think I am too self depreciating to have that sort of thinking. However, in a lot of ways, I feel as if what I experienced and dealt with was just dismissed as nothing. And THAT is something that I am really having a problem with. That is something that I can't just keep sucking it up and getting on with my life about. I've been doing that for too long and its not okay. 

One of the assignments I had this week from my therapist was to write down what my depression monster says. So I did and these are the things I think whether I want to or not and more than that, these are things that get reinforced a good deal of the time, sometimes every day. 

You are worthless- the proof is in everything.
You have no right to complain and even if you did, no one really cares.
People like Amanda more than you, you know it in how they look at you and react.
People have already written you off.
You have no value. (this is even more so since you had to get a hysterectomy)
You will never be anything.   
You can work as hard as you want to lose weight, health mentally and emotionally, and even physically but it's not going to matter. 
You will never have control of anything in your life every again.
You are alone because no one will ever choose you and it doesn't matter how willing you are to jump up and help someone else. 
Why try to come out of your shell, no one will like the real you anyway. 

The most frustrating thing is that I know at least some of this isn't true but these thoughts run through my head all the time. I can't stop them and no matter how much I try to reason with myself that its just the depression, its really hard to shake this shit. 

Anyway, yeah, I'm having trouble a lot of this stuff but I am hoping the change in meds will help take the edge off so I can start getting back on my feet a little. 

Other than that, I have been down the last two days with a migraine. I ended up taking some meds and sleeping a little yesterday but then Amanda and I stayed up all night watching a scary movie. It was actually a little freaky so we had to watch something light so we could go to bed but ended up watching several episodes of something and then I had to take her to work. Oops!

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

1st dumb thing my therapist has said and what's been going on lately

Apparently I am really drawn to my moon sign's element of fire lately. I keep gravitating to art and such with fire. It's weird, I usually go for water, the element of my sun sign. But, I'm not going to argue. Maybe it's part of the who Rune draw I did at Ostara. I drew Kenaz. A description of it is in the picture below. 

I would go into more explanation of this and why it actually means a great deal to me for this year, but I am bit exhausted. I've actually been internally at war with my depression monster and its getting worse. To be honest, I hate myself because I am so depressed most of the time that I can't stand to breathe. I'm either angry, apathetic, manic, or so depressed I just want to scream, cry, or break things. I don't tell anyone how bad it really is because no one can actually handle it or they just don't care. I pretty much try to stuff it all down so I can be as calm as possible, but it's so exhausting. There have been some new problems that have arisen for me personally that have made me feel even more defective and worthless. I actually was so upset and angry the other day I beat the shit out of my legs and then grew more furious because I didn't even get the satisfaction of having bruises. I couldn't even leave proof of my own anger somewhere. And then that made me angry because I swore to myself that I wouldn't get this bad again.

So I took most of these feelings and thoughts to my therapist the other day. She asked me about a coupe of things and then said the 1st dumb thing I have ever heard her say. She basically said that I made myself fat to become undesirable to push people away so they couldn't hurt me. What?! No, I got fucking fat because my damned hormones were out of wack and sometimes I eat my feelings. I never wanted to be undesirable. I never wanted this. Sure, I want people to leave me alone so I can write, but I want friends and family around. I want to go out and have fun. 

And with everything going on my Mom told me yesterday that she has a black spot in her mouth and she said without saying that she's afraid that it's cancer. It's possible. She's been a smoker since before I was born and at one time she smoked a pack and and half a day. 

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Well done good Sir, up all night, looking at houses

Thorin Oakenshield being fancy.

I had plenty of cat company last night while I cleaned the sink/vanity part of the bathroom last night. Naricisa held down various towels for me, stared at me, judged me, that sort of thing. Thorin mostly played in the bathtub of the other half of the bathroom. He likes to chase his tail and bite the shower curtain liner, rip the magnets out of said curtain liner, and play with any bit of trash that happens to fall on the floor. Of course when I had the vanity counter cleaned and everything out back to where it needed to go, both cats wanted to be on it. So, I grabbed one of my vampire fang hair bows, and decided to see if the cats would let me put it on them. Narcisa mostly wanted to eat it and she hardly deigns taking photos, but Thorin actually let me put the bow on and get a couple of pictures. This one was a bit blurry, but the best one overall. He looks so adorable!  

So yeah, I got one little bit of my house cleaned up last night. I am hoping to get the kitchen cleaned up this afternoon and maybe work on the living room while watching something. Of course now that I have said that, I will probably do the opposite... here is the hoping that now that I have said I will probably do the opposite that I will actually get something accomplished. If you made sense of that, you get 100 cool points because I don't even know if I made sense of it. 

I've been up all night. I think the energy of the full moon is playing a role in that. Amanda dropped her soda the night before last and then the laundry detergent fell off our dryer (we have a stacking washer and dryer, the washer was going and doing it's wiggle shake thing and boom! Detergent everywhere). She was convinced that we had bad juju in the house. It is possible. I mean, I've been uber depressed or apathetic lately and she's not been much better. That shit collects. 

Amanda and I have been looking at houses. Our state has a first time home buyer's program that we are looking into. We're going to their class this weekend. I don't know how it will go or if this is even something we can or will want to do, but we need something different, a sense or permanency. So we've been poking about some online house listings. 

I actually think I am starting to get tired. I'm going to latch on to that. 

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Blood Bank, Don't Trust the B**** in Apartment 23, and what goes up must come down

Shell Overlord 

Amanda wanted to have someone to fangirl with her over a yaoi webcomic she found called Blood Bank. So I decided to start reading it last night. I finished it this evening and it was really good. I adore Shell Overlord, the impossibly adorable Vampire. The comic itself is about a post cataclysmic world in which Vampires are on top and humans are subservient. Its sexy, fun, and then gets dark, but I enjoyed all of it and recommending checking it out if you don't mind vampires, BDSM, or yaoi (m/m). 

My cousin Shi-chan recommended I watch Don't Trust the B**** in Apartment 23. It is a comedy series starring James Vander Beek and Kristen Ritter. So far, I really like it and bonus, Amanda is watching it with me! She doesn't really like Kristen Ritter, but I do. She also doesn't always like comedy shows, but well, I do. But I like lots of things. Anyway, it's on Netflix. 

I didn't sleep well last night. I was reading until I fell asleep. I woke up for a little bit this morning but had the beginnings of a migraine, so I lay down on the sofa and slept more. I got up when Amanda came back from running an errand, we watched netflix for a little bit, then we decided to make dinner. Only for some reason I had a strange burst of mania and was extremely energetic, singing, rolling back and forth through the kitchen in a chair, and then it all came crashing down without warning and I ended up having an ugly sob-fest. Amanda took over making dinner and I went to the sofa to read for a little bit. I'm a bit freaked by it actually. I've never had a swing so quickly like that. I'm okay now, actually, I feel a lot better, but I've spent the last couple of hours reading and then Amanda and I talked about some writing stuff. I don't know, but it will be something I talk to my therapist when I see her again and then maybe even my doctor. 

Aside from that, we're lamenting the loss of the coffee pot. Thorin decided he simply had to jump up on top of the refrigerator, the only problem with that was that he knocked over the coffee pot I had just cleaned and also a glass that banged into and broke the coffee pot. So now we're going to see if we can find a replacement at a thrift store, because the replacement is 15 dollars on Amazon and to get the coffee pot plus the maker is like 24, which we think is really dumb. So, yeah. And wouldn't you know it our little boy had quite the little bitchy face! I love it!