Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Tree and flower sex, Hushed Whispers, blanket monster, new meds, and laying it on the table.

Hushed Whispers by Katorius on Deviant art.

Last night I began taking new depression medication. I'm not sure how that's going to go, but today I'm feeling pretty good. Well, aside from my OTC allergy medication not quite cutting it. It is that time of year when all the trees and flowers are having sex and spreading their yellow sex dust around. Every time I go to the car I see a thin yellow layer of it on the windshield. Still, I have far less trouble living in the Northwest than I did growing up in Kansas. But the last couple of days I have had watery eyes that somehow still feel like sandpaper every time I blink. On top of that, I suspect an algae bloom or something in the water because my stomach is not happy. The weather has also turned hot and sunny this week, thus I have turned on the air conditioner. 

Thorin loves to sleep with Amanda and I. Often times, he will sleep between us but lately, since it's been hot in our bedroom and we've not used blankets, he's been sleeping near my feet. Well, that's fine, until he attacks your toes and feet for daring to move. When there are no blankets, the blanket monster is on vacation, but try telling him that. So, not only is it hot in the bed, not only is Amanda a veritable furnace when she sleep, not only does she snore and laugh in her sleep, not only does she like to slip her hands under me and try to push me off the bed in her sleep, but Thorin likes to attack me. It is a miracle that I get any sleep.

Hushed Whispers, the art piece above, felt oddly appropriate today. Sometimes it feels like the characters from my stories are the phantom in the picture, whispering to me, trying to pull me in their direction, which is freaking awesome, except several are doing it all at once and I can't seem to decide who to go with. I get a little discombobulated with it all and sometimes even feel a little guilty when I am giving one set of characters attention over the others. To normal people that probably sounds absolutely bonkers, but if you are a writer, that might make sense or at least you might be able to sympathize. Needless to say I haven't written anything since I finished the fanfic story, but I have been going through some of my old stories, some of the short ones, and there's so much I want to play with. 

Okay, as uncomfortable as this is, I'm going to lay some things out on the table in the hopes that I can help myself get the ball rolling again. I'm trying to lose weight. At the moment I'm sitting at 403 lbs and with my pear shaped body (thank you Great Grandma Ester), I look more than frumpy. I've been given the "okay" by my doctor to start doing light exercise like walking and other things, so long as I don't aggravate the herniated disk in my lower back and I am to be careful of my core muscles because I should be finishing up the healing from the hysterectomy. Just because it was five small incisions, my abdominal wall was cut into and the doctor doesn't want me to get excited do some crunches or something and hurt myself. That said there are some sit and be fit exercises I want to look up and try and we blew up my yoga/palates ball for me to sit on. Funny story, I actually fell off it recently, or rather I lost my balance and rolled back into the sofa. I hit my back and got stuck and Amanda had to come and save me.  

So, I told Amanda no more fast food. If we are going to eat out, let's just go to a restaurant. It will cost more so we don't do it as much and it will be more enjoyable. Secondly, we have to cut down the portion size. It's hard sometimes. When I was having hormonal fluctuations with the PCOS and bleeding all the time, I could never get anything regulated. I am hoping that I can now. Speaking of, something weird is going on, I have been craving sweets. I have always been a salt person- as in eating it plain, but lately, I just want chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream every day. I'm a little weirded out by that.

Anyway, those are just some things I want to try working on or with. I am kind of hoping that I can lose some weight before m wedding. I have no high expectations, but if I could lose twenty lbs, that would be nice. I've got 4-5 months to do it in. 

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Therapist, doctor, and The Goblin

Just to see if it worked, I added the Dramafever channel on my Roku and then perused the selection. When I stumbled on Goblin the lonely and Great God, I thought it looked really cute and decided it would be the show I tested to see if I could watch. Yep, I can watch stuff from Dramafever for free but it has a lot of repetitive and obnoxious commercials. The show is really cute by the way and if you like Korean Dramas or want to try one out, I think this one is going to be a good choice. 

Moving on. I went to my doctor's appointment this week. The verdict is that we are going to try me on another antidepressant medication and if I do well with it, she is going to put me on a weight loss medication in a month to get the ball rolling. I am able to begin exorcising but it has to be low impact and nothing that's going to work my core too much, but only for a little while longer. My doctor just wants to make sure everything is nice and healed up and that I don't aggravate the herniated disk in my lower back. When we were talking about my depression she mentioned that she thinks I have some PTSD from the whole mess with my cancer scare and the crap I went through with the gyno and getting the surgery. I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around all of that and now I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the notion of my having PTSD. 

So I talked to my therapist yesterday about it. She also thinks I have PTSD and not just from that but from a few other things. But I didn't that was possible. PTSD is for people who have been attacked or abused and most certainly for combat veterans. My therapist said yes to all of that but it's like there are certain type or varying degrees of PTSD. I talked to my Dad about it and he is of the impression that to say I have PTSD cheapens what happens to people like combat verterans- which was kind of how I felt in a way. He said that yes, I had had some trauma but it wasn't anything like what veterans have experienced. But on the other hand I am struggling what that too. It;s hard to explain. I'm not playing a victim card because I don't do that, I think I am too self depreciating to have that sort of thinking. However, in a lot of ways, I feel as if what I experienced and dealt with was just dismissed as nothing. And THAT is something that I am really having a problem with. That is something that I can't just keep sucking it up and getting on with my life about. I've been doing that for too long and its not okay. 

One of the assignments I had this week from my therapist was to write down what my depression monster says. So I did and these are the things I think whether I want to or not and more than that, these are things that get reinforced a good deal of the time, sometimes every day. 

You are worthless- the proof is in everything.
You have no right to complain and even if you did, no one really cares.
People like Amanda more than you, you know it in how they look at you and react.
People have already written you off.
You have no value. (this is even more so since you had to get a hysterectomy)
You will never be anything.   
You can work as hard as you want to lose weight, health mentally and emotionally, and even physically but it's not going to matter. 
You will never have control of anything in your life every again.
You are alone because no one will ever choose you and it doesn't matter how willing you are to jump up and help someone else. 
Why try to come out of your shell, no one will like the real you anyway. 

The most frustrating thing is that I know at least some of this isn't true but these thoughts run through my head all the time. I can't stop them and no matter how much I try to reason with myself that its just the depression, its really hard to shake this shit. 

Anyway, yeah, I'm having trouble a lot of this stuff but I am hoping the change in meds will help take the edge off so I can start getting back on my feet a little. 

Other than that, I have been down the last two days with a migraine. I ended up taking some meds and sleeping a little yesterday but then Amanda and I stayed up all night watching a scary movie. It was actually a little freaky so we had to watch something light so we could go to bed but ended up watching several episodes of something and then I had to take her to work. Oops!

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

1st dumb thing my therapist has said and what's been going on lately

Apparently I am really drawn to my moon sign's element of fire lately. I keep gravitating to art and such with fire. It's weird, I usually go for water, the element of my sun sign. But, I'm not going to argue. Maybe it's part of the who Rune draw I did at Ostara. I drew Kenaz. A description of it is in the picture below. 

I would go into more explanation of this and why it actually means a great deal to me for this year, but I am bit exhausted. I've actually been internally at war with my depression monster and its getting worse. To be honest, I hate myself because I am so depressed most of the time that I can't stand to breathe. I'm either angry, apathetic, manic, or so depressed I just want to scream, cry, or break things. I don't tell anyone how bad it really is because no one can actually handle it or they just don't care. I pretty much try to stuff it all down so I can be as calm as possible, but it's so exhausting. There have been some new problems that have arisen for me personally that have made me feel even more defective and worthless. I actually was so upset and angry the other day I beat the shit out of my legs and then grew more furious because I didn't even get the satisfaction of having bruises. I couldn't even leave proof of my own anger somewhere. And then that made me angry because I swore to myself that I wouldn't get this bad again.

So I took most of these feelings and thoughts to my therapist the other day. She asked me about a coupe of things and then said the 1st dumb thing I have ever heard her say. She basically said that I made myself fat to become undesirable to push people away so they couldn't hurt me. What?! No, I got fucking fat because my damned hormones were out of wack and sometimes I eat my feelings. I never wanted to be undesirable. I never wanted this. Sure, I want people to leave me alone so I can write, but I want friends and family around. I want to go out and have fun. 

And with everything going on my Mom told me yesterday that she has a black spot in her mouth and she said without saying that she's afraid that it's cancer. It's possible. She's been a smoker since before I was born and at one time she smoked a pack and and half a day. 

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Well done good Sir, up all night, looking at houses

Thorin Oakenshield being fancy.

I had plenty of cat company last night while I cleaned the sink/vanity part of the bathroom last night. Naricisa held down various towels for me, stared at me, judged me, that sort of thing. Thorin mostly played in the bathtub of the other half of the bathroom. He likes to chase his tail and bite the shower curtain liner, rip the magnets out of said curtain liner, and play with any bit of trash that happens to fall on the floor. Of course when I had the vanity counter cleaned and everything out back to where it needed to go, both cats wanted to be on it. So, I grabbed one of my vampire fang hair bows, and decided to see if the cats would let me put it on them. Narcisa mostly wanted to eat it and she hardly deigns taking photos, but Thorin actually let me put the bow on and get a couple of pictures. This one was a bit blurry, but the best one overall. He looks so adorable!  

So yeah, I got one little bit of my house cleaned up last night. I am hoping to get the kitchen cleaned up this afternoon and maybe work on the living room while watching something. Of course now that I have said that, I will probably do the opposite... here is the hoping that now that I have said I will probably do the opposite that I will actually get something accomplished. If you made sense of that, you get 100 cool points because I don't even know if I made sense of it. 

I've been up all night. I think the energy of the full moon is playing a role in that. Amanda dropped her soda the night before last and then the laundry detergent fell off our dryer (we have a stacking washer and dryer, the washer was going and doing it's wiggle shake thing and boom! Detergent everywhere). She was convinced that we had bad juju in the house. It is possible. I mean, I've been uber depressed or apathetic lately and she's not been much better. That shit collects. 

Amanda and I have been looking at houses. Our state has a first time home buyer's program that we are looking into. We're going to their class this weekend. I don't know how it will go or if this is even something we can or will want to do, but we need something different, a sense or permanency. So we've been poking about some online house listings. 

I actually think I am starting to get tired. I'm going to latch on to that. 

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Blood Bank, Don't Trust the B**** in Apartment 23, and what goes up must come down

Shell Overlord 

Amanda wanted to have someone to fangirl with her over a yaoi webcomic she found called Blood Bank. So I decided to start reading it last night. I finished it this evening and it was really good. I adore Shell Overlord, the impossibly adorable Vampire. The comic itself is about a post cataclysmic world in which Vampires are on top and humans are subservient. Its sexy, fun, and then gets dark, but I enjoyed all of it and recommending checking it out if you don't mind vampires, BDSM, or yaoi (m/m). 

My cousin Shi-chan recommended I watch Don't Trust the B**** in Apartment 23. It is a comedy series starring James Vander Beek and Kristen Ritter. So far, I really like it and bonus, Amanda is watching it with me! She doesn't really like Kristen Ritter, but I do. She also doesn't always like comedy shows, but well, I do. But I like lots of things. Anyway, it's on Netflix. 

I didn't sleep well last night. I was reading until I fell asleep. I woke up for a little bit this morning but had the beginnings of a migraine, so I lay down on the sofa and slept more. I got up when Amanda came back from running an errand, we watched netflix for a little bit, then we decided to make dinner. Only for some reason I had a strange burst of mania and was extremely energetic, singing, rolling back and forth through the kitchen in a chair, and then it all came crashing down without warning and I ended up having an ugly sob-fest. Amanda took over making dinner and I went to the sofa to read for a little bit. I'm a bit freaked by it actually. I've never had a swing so quickly like that. I'm okay now, actually, I feel a lot better, but I've spent the last couple of hours reading and then Amanda and I talked about some writing stuff. I don't know, but it will be something I talk to my therapist when I see her again and then maybe even my doctor. 

Aside from that, we're lamenting the loss of the coffee pot. Thorin decided he simply had to jump up on top of the refrigerator, the only problem with that was that he knocked over the coffee pot I had just cleaned and also a glass that banged into and broke the coffee pot. So now we're going to see if we can find a replacement at a thrift store, because the replacement is 15 dollars on Amazon and to get the coffee pot plus the maker is like 24, which we think is really dumb. So, yeah. And wouldn't you know it our little boy had quite the little bitchy face! I love it! 

Saturday, May 6, 2017

3:30 out of touch, awake, and pissed

It is 3:30 in the morning and I'm tired, sure, but also very much awake. I tried to go to bed with Amanda, but I'm in enough pain that lying in bed is too much. Worse, I no matter how hard I tried to ignore it and lie still, I had a headache that wouldn't quit. Of course now that I am up, the headache had subsided and while I still hurt, it isn't as bad. It is so frustrating. Chronic pain sucks ass. I hate it. How the hell am I supposed to love my body when said body won't work with me and when I try to push through stuff, it only hurts more? 

Whatever. Since I am awake, I decided to catch up on some blog reading or in my case, my general lurking. I read peoples blogs but don't always comment. Now that I have done that, I'm going to read a web comic Amanda read and loved so I can fangirl with her about it. 

I've felt very out of touch for a long time. Out of touch from the spiritual aspect of my life. Out of touch with friends. Out of touch with family, and so on. A very large part of it is that I had surgery. But it is also that my depression monster is working overtime. And then there's the writing. Lastly, by the end of all of it, I've just been so apathetic that I'm like, fuck it all. I don't want to see anyone, deal with anyone, and those that I do want to see and have dealings with, I barely see anyway. Hello hermit life, it's been  a long time. 

I have spoken with my Mom recently. Apparently someone gave my aunt a lift chair, apparently they donated it to hospice. Well, that lift chair, when my Mom went to vacuum it, had quite a few surprises in the form of fleas, cockroaches, and spiders. Who the fuck donates a bug ridden chair to people on hospice?! I mean really, how disgusting and mean do you have to be to do something like that? Needless to say, my Dad put it in the back of his truck to take it to the dump.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Fixed Sink, Inuyasha, Pinch and stab

Lord Sessohmaru- my first anime crush

Yesterday I watched the entirety of Inuyasha: The Final Act. All 26 episodes. While I have had the last season for some time, I've kind of put it off because I didn't want to the ride to end, so to speak. Inuyasha was the the first anime I watched where I knew I was watching anime. I used to listen and semi-watch Pokemon and Digimon when I would get ready for school in the mornings but didn't know they were anime.

Anyway, my friend Jeffery called me up during the summer after we'd graduated high school and told me I needed to watch Inuyasha because he just knew I'd really like it. *enter awestruck music* I didn't just like it, I loved it. I was fascinated, hooked, and wanted to see if he demons matched the lore in the show and hence my gateway anime became my gateway into Japanese culture as well- no, I don't know a lot, but I know a tiny bit. 

Well, I can honestly say I was satisfied with the ending. I still can't stand Kikyo, but my annoyance with her is a little less. Sesshomaru is still bad ass and had some major character growth. I still want my very own Kirara and Shippo. Suffice it to say, it was well worth the wait and I'm glad I saved it for a day when I felt like shit, because it helped a lot. 

Speaking of feeling like shit. No, that really hasn't gotten any better. My body still hurts all over and today I've got a pinch in my back that hurts every time I take a breath. I can't seem to find any position to lay down sit, or stand that helps. I even tried sitting on the sofa for a bit with the heating pad, but I only fell asleep. Stretching, moving, sitting absolutely still, nothing seems to work. So I get to deal with it and hope I don't puke one of these times that I inhale too deeply.

Our bathroom sink has been a clogged bastard the last month or more. We've been able to wash our hands quickly but then it takes forever to drain. Well, the maintenance men came by, woke me up, and fixed it. It's like a whole new sink! Strange that I feel so excited about it.

I haven't really written anything. I told Amanda that I think part of that is because I want to be finished with one project before I start another. She said that was an excuse. Bitch. Seriously, I'm much nicer when I encourage her to write and I am a bit miffed about how she said it considering that all through writing my near 400 page fanfic I felt guilty for not paying enough attention to her. Ugh! So for the last couple of days I have been staring at a 170 question character building worksheet for a new novel. One that I am actually a little intimidated by. Again, it's that, it could be a really great story if I don't fuck it up, kind of thing. 

I don't know. I'm probably not making sense or maybe it's that I have a flicker of drive to do things but feel like shit so I am a little bit apathetic to just about everything- which kind of makes me angry and want to cry. I hate forcing myself to do things. 

Saturday, April 29, 2017

What the hell?! At least that ended well.

Well, Friday sucked. I awoke around 8 am in such pain that my clothing hurt my skin, having the cat brush against my legs made me want to cry, and part of me wanted to rip my fingernails off because even those hurt. By 11am, I wanted to vomit, and a friend suggested that I eat something. So I made a small one person batch of pasta and sat down with the heating pad to watch Inuyasha (since I am trying to finish that up). Well, I ended up asleep after I ate and I slept until a little after 4 pm and not only did I wake up still in pain, it was a little worse than before. 

I am trying an experiment. I don't know if it will pan out, but I've always heard people complain about how their bones ache if a storm is coming. Well, I am logging the barometric pressure in my area and how much I hurt if there is any correlation. I'm not sure what I am going to do with that information, but for shits and giggles, I thought it would be interesting. 

This weekend is Beltane- well all the pagan groups in my area are celebrating it. Amanda and I are not going out to Medical Lake to celebrate with all the pagan groups. Amanda has to work. We are, however, going to a friend's house to an 'after party' per se. It is invite only so we can't really talk about it with other people- at least not with some of the people. It's not our house and I'm not going to invite them out when I know full well that the hosts don't particularly like some of those people. 

On top of that Amanda took a couple of days of vacation time because she needs it and we haven't had a lot of time to ourselves lately. Well, we just sent E. back to Boston after having her for a week and wanted some time to ourselves but Fiona wanted to come for Beltane. We told we would take her to the thing we were going to but that she would have to stay with someone else while she is here. (she lives out of town) Well she asked if another friend of ours would let her stay with her. I said I don't know you'd have to ask her. Then she wanted to know if another friend would let her and I reminded her that that friend is dealing with some stuff and that it probably wasn't a good idea. The person she is going to stay with for at least a couple of days is having a couple temporarily move in with her until they can get into an apartment. So of course Fiona wanted to know if she could stay with us despite us already telling her no in the first place. When I told her we were going out of town she wanted to know if we needed a cat sitter. I told her we wouldn't be gone that long. And then, of course, I didn't hear anything else out of her. I'm just kind of like, you know, sometimes you're not going to get to come stay with us whenever you want. Sometimes people will have shit going on and they won't be able to put you up for however long you decide to hang around. I know that sounds mean, but we all have lives and they don't revolve around her. 

Besides, we've had a revolving door of company and we would like to be able to have a date night or I don't know, fuck, without having to work around the whims of company. 

I finished the 3rd book in the Night Prince Novels, Bound by Flames by Jeaniene Frost. OMGs! That book was an intense read. I cried in places, freaked out, wanted to jump in the book and tear a character apart, but it ended on a really great note and I'm looking forward to where the 4th and final book goes. Except, I'm not because then it will be over and they are vampires so shouldn't that mean that since they live forever, that their story should as well? If you ever get the chance, I seriously recommend Jeaniene Frost's novels- at least the Night Huntress and Night Prince novels (I haven't read the others yet). I've really enjoyed them and think her Vlad is the best Vlad I have read thus far. Plus, fire pretty! 

On my own writing front, I've not written anything since I finished my story. I wanted to start editing it within the next couple of days but Amanda thinks that I should at least wait two weeks. She says I am still in love with the story and characters and every word and I need to be able to cut things that need to be cut without having issues. I think I will still have issues, but that's just me. So in lieu of that, I've been looking up some stuff on pinterest to help build characters- or help me discover a little more about them. It;s just so difficult because I feel pulled in a couple different directions by different stories. It is strange and leaves me hesitating to go one way or another because what if I lose the line? Writer problems. 

Oh, I had a first world problem the other night. I was laying in bed talking to Amanda about wanting to ride a bike again. Only, I was concerned about how I was ever going to ride a bike and maintain my graveyard tan. There are two reasons for this. 1. I like being pale. 2. I am allergic to the sun, no seriously, if I burn, I breakout in hives and I've gotten sun burnt within 15 minutes it is insane, but my mother and my cousin Shi-Chan are the same way. Amanda laughed at me. But you know, I could easily fix that by just riding a bike at night. It's not like I would ever go very far anyway... but then I remembered that I don't have a bike and at the moment, I'm not sure my back would allow me to ride one. Things to work toward!  

 Well, since I have to keep awake to take Amanda to work in an hour and a half, I'm going to go watch an episode or two of Inuyasha.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Feeling like crap, affirmations, found things

In the comments of my last post, I mentioned to a friend that I would post a couple of the affirmations that I have on some manifestation boards in my house. I went on an affirmation seeking excursion on pinterest several months ago and only saved the ones that I really liked- or rather the ones I felt I needed most or that felt like me. I saved a couple of writer's quotes too. Anyway, the above affirmation is kind reminding me that I don't need permission to do what I need or want.

I love Lily Munster and I felt this was really great for how hesitant I've been about dressing and doing make up the way I've wanted to for years. It's weird, I don't give a shit about what the general public thinks, but my Grandparents and parents, their opinions hit me harder than anyone else's. Took me getting to age 33 to say fuck it and come out of the Belfry completely. 

Damn straight! I love this one! Its bad ass and speaks to the side of me that says "fuck with me and I will end you". Yes, I do have a side like that and no, I don't let it show very often. Mostly because I've been a people pleaser all my life. Hence why it took until age 33 to really come out as goth. 

Moving on to a few author's quotes: 
"True Alchemist do not change lead into gold; they change world into words" ~ William H. Gass
"You only fail if you stop writing" ~ Ray Bradbury
"Don't tell me the moon is shining. Show me the glint of light on broken glass" ~Anton Chekhov

Do these work? For me, I think they do. Whether or not I am putting on make up at my dressing table or working on something at my desk (the two locations that I have these boards) I've seeing something positive that I want to bring into my life or inspire certain elements within me. It;s not a 100% fool proof thing, but I think about 75% of the time they do help and I will take that.

For the last week or so I've been pretty worried about not being able to find some world building notes for a novel I've only sort of started. I keep rewriting the first chapter because I'm not sure where I want to go with it. The truth is, I don't know my characters as well as I would like. They didn't come fully formed, per se. So I am going to use some worksheets I found online to help develop them- again, I found them on pinterest. Anyway, I spent some time in the other room looking and found them!!! They are a disorganized mess. I'm going to have to rewrite them and then transfer them to a word document. Then I'm going to make a reference guide for the story and see how that works for me in as far as plotting and keeping everything together. In other words, I am going to see if putting in extra effort to be organized instead of having chaos all the time, will help me accomplish the damned novel.

I have felt like crap the last couple of days. The depression monster is really kicking my ass again. It also doesn't help that I awoke in pain again this morning and on top of that, Narcisa decided that it was time to bug the shit out of me. She was knock things over on my nightstand, trying to eat my hair, trying to lick me, and would not stop. And if that wasn't enough, Amanda kept slipping her hands under me and pushing me toward the edge of the bed. She almost pushed me off a time or two. I kept waking her up to tell her to stop and the minute she was asleep, she'd shove her hands under me again. One, it hurt and two, it was pissing me off. And then she got really snippy with me for being pissed at her. I just wanted to be left alone to sleep! Of course, Amanda found it funny when she I told her about it later. I didn't. After I took her to work this afternoon, I ended up on the sofa with the heating pad to try and soothe my body. I also took two Naproxen Sodium to take the edge off. I have got to get a handle on this pain. I need to be able to move!   

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Finished and celebrating a little

Last night I finished the 1st draft rewrite of my fanfic story. It ended at 396 pages. While that might not seem like a big deal to some, for me it is something worth celebrating. 1. I'd struggled with writing for a couple of years due to living situation and a crippling lack of self confidence. 2. I can always seem to start stories but never complete them.

To celebrate Amanda went to the store and bought me ice cream sandwiches. I ate two last night while trying to decide what to do with myself. I wanted to keep writing but I need to take a little bit of a break plus we have E. here and I don't want to be glued to my computer the whole time. 

I'm having a little trouble trying to decide what to do with myself today. I feel a tad lost. Writing that story kept me sane while I was going through some really tough shit and yeah, I used it as a crutch. I'll admit to being a little scared of not having it. Except I do have it. I still have editing to do and I have other writing projects I want to embark on.

Speaking of other writing projects, I need to take some time today to go through the library/Bowie room and try to locate some world building notes for a novel I need to write. Somehow I've managed to lose them somewhere and I know they are in this house. I also have some reading to do. 

But aside from that, we are heading out to Sushi Maru tonight. Its a conveyor belt sushi bar restaurant in the mall next to the river. While I can't have shell fish and don't like fish anyway, they do have some alternatives that I can eat, like fruit sushi and an orange chicken roll. Our friend Rachel is going to join us and we might come back to watch a movie after. 

Monday, April 24, 2017

Of explosions, icky tummies, and trying not to fuck it up.

Well this alchemist has apparently hopped on the struggle bus and can't seem to drive it up and over the hill so she can coast down the falling action and resolution of her story. I'm in the final stretch. The main bad guy (who has been there in spirit and now in the flesh) has left his "Doll face" a nice surprise in her house and has come down her stairs. There was fire and then an explosion. But I claw for every single word. But I'll come back to that in a few moments. 

We never got to any of the writer's panels this weekend. Yesterday E. was really sick from Jet Lag. Today we went to Amanda's parent's house early to do all the laundry that we were backed up on. We have a small washer and dryer. They have a full sized one. Anyway, I ended up falling asleep to something Francis was watching, the British Wallander. I awoke to Midsomer Murders. I haven't seen much of the former and what I have seen was mostly the Swedish version. Of the latter, I really enjoy Midsomer Murders. It is something that we can watch with Amanda's parents that we can all agree on. I actually enjoy watching the British shows with Francis. Speaking of Francis, he was giving me shit today. I reminded him that I know where he sleeps.

Our friends Rachel and her boyfriend came over for dinner and we played a couple of games afterward. It fun and really nice. However, Amanda's been sick tonight. I'm really starting to worry about her. She'd thrown up in the middle of the night several times. I want to know if it really is heart burn or something else. I, on the other hand, have had issues of another icky tummy nature tonight. Not sure what that is about, unless I'm having trouble with milk. I had some today. Or maybe it was the deli food we had for lunch, either way, my stomach hasn't been happy with me. 

Back to the story struggles. Last night before another painful night in bed, I made myself a note:


That's so much easier said than done. But really, this draft is the bones. My editing process later will be the muscles and nerves because I will be editing and a friend will be reading it and I'll ask her for suggestions. Then another run through will be the flesh. But I suppose I'm afraid I'm going to fuck up the bones hence why I am struggling. I also don't want to screw up the bad guy. It is a fanfiction so it's not that important, but it still means something to me, so in a way, it matters. Still, I am excited and ready for this story to end. I'm not complaining or bitching, just kind of venting. I'm also writing a blog because some times if I write something else for a few minutes and then return to what I was working on- that's giving me trouble- I can pick it back up again and make some progress. 

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Bed, pants, and happy cats

A facebook friend of mind shared this and I nabbed it, because pretty!

Last night we picked Amanda's friend E. up from the airport. Along the way, Amanda was trying to wake up from her hour long nap of the sofa, and was a little crazy. She got mad at me because she had a laughing fit and then a cry fit and I asked her if I needed to take her to the hospital. she said when I have an issue like that, she at least offers me water first. LOL! We didn't have water and she's nuts. (Love you honey)

I have been laying down a lot more lately, on the sofa. However, with E's arrival, it was time to clear the clean laundry off our bed, change the sheets, and actually sleep in our bed. Oh my Gods! It hurt! I sleep on my side and half on my side-half on my stomach and oh boy, just laying down last night, my ribs were killing me. (I can't sleep on my back, it aggravates the herniated disk too much) This morning when I awoke, my ribs, lower back, and hip were really bad. I had to take a little extra time to try and stretch out and then I took an even longer shower than normal to get the muscles to loosen up. It sucked. I am not looking forward tonight 

Today we were supposed to go to a couple of writer's panels for the "Get Lit" festival put on by Eastern Washington University's Master's of Fine Arts program. Well, we were on our way and poor E. got so sick. So we turned around, stopped by a store to get some soup and us some frozen pizza along with something to nibble on the way home, and came back home. I'm totally okay with this, I'm tried and I hurt. 

Speaking of hurting, my stupid yoga pants seem to bother my stomach. The band is thicker than the bands on my leggings or my pants from Torrid and they put just enough pressure in just the right spots under my incisions that make me uncomfortable. This does not make me happy. I love my yoga pants and want to be able to wear them for when I start doing some exercises. 

Because we slept in our bedroom and in our bed last night, the cats were super happy! Thorin slept between Amanda and I all night and Narcisa had a great time sitting in the window and eating my hair. I have a chunk of bangs that's a little shorter than the rest. I can't believe cats can have pica! Ugh! No, really, she does. She tries to eat everything and its disturbing.   

Friday, April 21, 2017

The casual stroke, books, writing, and sobbing

Sometimes when I have trouble writing I turn to pinterest for inspiration. I happened upon this little gem which had me in a small giggle fit. No, that is not anything that Roy Mustang has said in Fullmetal Alchemist, someone over on Tumblr (that gross place I refuse to visit) made a ton of these little "texts" from Fullmetal alchemist. Some are meh, but some are really funny. 

I decided to reread books 1 & 2 of the Night Prince Series Jeaniene Frost wrote so everything would be fresh in my mind for books 3 & 4. Well, it took me a couple of days to read through book 1 simply because I was trying to write and was doing other things. Book 2 I plowed through in practically one day and I immediately started books 3, which I read half of yesterday afternoon. OH. MY. GODS! I literally could not stop reading until I felt the two main characters were in a good place. So much bad shit happened! It was so intense and heart breaking. I sobbed my eyes out in a couple of places. My skin crawled in others and now, I'm right along with the characters seeking revenge! 

But, I refuse to pick up the book despite it being mere inches from my fingertips, until I have written a good deal today. I got out a page or two last night but since we are having company fly in from Boston tonight, I want to get as much done as possible. As it stands my Oc's brother is being a total creeper and my Oc thinks she's losing it. 

Speaking of the brother- who is Zolf- that reminds me. Christine, since I am refusing to allow myself the distraction of facebook today, I saw your message about writing. Sometimes when I get stuck, I have to go write something else or write some bullshit nothing few pages just to get my brain working. If that doesn't work, then I force myself through it, no matter how frustrating or how long it takes me. I've basically been crawling through the last 15 pages all week.

I've cried for other reasons aside from book drama. The depression monster and I think that's about all I need to say about that for the moment. 

I spoke to my yesterday morning  and I think the next time I see her I am going to strangle her. Apparently she thinks she had a light stroke and that it was caused by the spikes in her blood pressure from all the uncontrollable limb jumping. Its possible, but what the fuck didn't they tell me sooner? And how the hell are are you just going to causally mention that in a conversation with your kid?! Then follow it up with, "I didn't want to panic and worry you, it's not like you can afford to come home every time something messes up with me."   No, I can't, but for fuck's sake, I at least deserve to know these things. Yes, Aunt Laura is literally dying. Yes, Grandpa is slowly wasting away from Alzhimers and because he won't eat. Yes, Grandma is in bad shape. Yes, Dad's not doing so great either. Yes, you (as in my mom) is a cluster-fuck of health issues and I have more than my share of shit going on too, but damn it, don't keep shit from me. I hate it and it's not fair! I don't keep anything from them. It's so frustrating!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The depression monster and a dinner guest.

It's going to be one of those days. I've already had a panic attack about just going to a doctor's appointment. Which is stupid because I like my doctor but I just can't. In fact, my depression monster is kicking my ass today. So much so that I actually think I may need to go take a nap to reset myself. 

We're supposed to have a dinner guest tonight, a girl we met at one of grocery stores we frequent. She's a nice girl and wanted to know if we were pagan. Anyway, we invited her for for dinner and I think I am going to make a bbq meatloaf and cheesy scalloped potatoes to have with salad if we have it. If not, maybe some kind of veggie side. Surely I can get my stupid monster under control and the house picked up before 6 this evening. 

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Gothic Desk Organizer, I dyed my hands, and sleep

My desk is nearly always busy. I spend a lot of time at it and since it is also in the living room, sometimes it kind of becomes a catch all for random things. I got tired of constantly having to dig through my desk drawer to find flash drives and little notebooks and such, so I bought this little desk organizer thing pictured above from Amazon. I really liked the overall structure but didn't like that it was white. So, I painted it black with the intention of decorating it somehow.

I used some Halloween paper and Mod Podge to cover the bottom of the little drawer. 

I set a self adhesive plastic gem into the "gem setting" spot of this lovely pendant that I bought at Michael's awhile ago. Then I glued this sucker onto the front. I'd originally bought the pendant for Amanda but she said I could have it. I'm going to replace it as soon as we go to Michael's again.

This is the finished product. Oh, I painted it with black acrylic plain and did a matte Mod Podge Clear Acrylic Sealer. I added a couple more gems because I felt it needed a little something more.

Here it is on my desk with my various notebooks, some hand creme and chap stick. I love it!

Today, while I was waiting for the acrylic sealer to dry, we dyed Easter Eggs. It's tradition Amanda and I both grew up with in our respective christian families and it's just fun. Her parents also came over for lunch. It was a nice afternoon. I played with the easter egg dye, dying coffee filters, my hands, eggs, paper towels- Amanda's Dad told her to take the dye away from me three times. Normally it's her Dad telling me to take stuff away from her.

Last night I slept the first full night laying down where I didn't wake up with pain around or near my incisions. That's improvement. I did however wake up with my lower back hurting. But I cleaned a bit yesterday and we went to a couple of stores, so I walked a bit as well. It was bad enough that I bit the bullet and took a pain pill left over from my surgery. I've also sat with some heat on my back to help loosen the muscles. 

I was hoping to be finished with my fanfic this weekend but it looks like it's going to be a couple more days, perhaps a week.  I still have to edit it, but I know how it is going to end and ehm, my notes so far leave it open for a squeal.  

Friday, April 14, 2017

Neighbors, writing struggles, and musical zen,

Yesterday, I left to take a walk to my mail box. I was wearing my sun and moon leggings, a back dress that goes to my knees, and was carrying the lovely UV protection umbrella/parasol (I'm mildly allergic to the sun and some medication I am on makes me even more sensitive to sunlight) Amanda bought me for my birthday. All the neighbors who were waiting for the noon bus to pick up their kids at the corner stared at me. I had a little giggle. It's almost as if they've never seen a fat goth before. LOL actually, come to think of it. I don't think many of them have ever seen me period. I haven't exactly gone out much except to get the mail or go straight to the car since living here. I don't hang out with my neighbors. 

Speaking of my neighbors, I heard someone say "fuck off" really loudly outside my patio door last night and since I was up, I opened the curtain to see a woman walking away from a cop who was shining a flash light at her. I closed the curtain and went back to my business. In all reality she was probably drunk or something.

I slept a bit yesterday. It was good and I actually laid down for a bit with no problems. That's improvement. However, I was having a bad day emotionally. Not sure what set it off but I remember sitting at my desk, trying to write the last chapter I was working on while crying. I thought, I have nearly 400 pages, I'm struggling with this story and don't know why since I know where I want to go- more or less- with it, but it's nearly 400 pages of fanfiction, which means that when I do get it finished it is not publishable nor was it ever meant to be. But that made me a little sad. I feel pulled to work on other stories, but I have denied those urges because I have this terrible problem of not finishing projects and I am damned determined to see this one through to the end. It's a matter of proving to myself that I can. It is also a matter of me seeing if I can write period, which after yesterday's ugly cry fest, I felt less than mediocre. 

I e-mail Amanda at work and told her I was having a terrible day and we decided not to worry about cooking and went to Ron's Burgers, a local business near our house. I didn't want to go in, so we did the drive thru and came home. We both fell asleep watching Ab Fab but I woke sometime around eight and finished a movie I'd started several days ago. Then I moved over to my computer to pick up the writing work again. Except I didn't get much writing done last night because I spent about two and half hours listening to various music on youtube. I was all over the place. Halsey, Lady Gaga, the 69 Eyes. I stumbled across two new artists that seem interesting.

I'm guessing Kerli just might be pagan. Don't know, but there is some interesting imagery in the video.

Eivor was interesting, wasn't on the same heavy bass and epic level of music I seemed to have favored last night but maybe that's what made it so appealing. 

I, of course went for a favorite from Gackt. I love his voice! He's pretty too, but really, I just love listening to him sing. 

I learned about Nathan Lanier while listening to my Two Steps from Hell Station on Pandora. I love this song so much. He's definitely becoming a new favorite for epic music to write to.

Anyway, I relaxed a bit while listening to music, let myself get lost in a lot of it, and it was very much a kind therapy or meditative sort of thing. I felt a little better afterword, enough that I was able to finish the short chapter I was working on. 

I've started a small project, since I listen to music while writing, to write down songs that evoke certain emotions or have some reference to an element, such as water or fire. I'm trying to assemble an "elemental" playlist of sorts for a a story I'm going to be writing soon. One of the songs I found, which I think might actually fit the story really well is this one by Seabound, called Scorch the Ground.


It is so weird to think that I first heard this song a decade ago. 

Well, I since I was up all night again and am hurting a bit today, I am going to go lie down with a book with the hopes of crashing out soon.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Of Boobs, Tears, and Spiders and Vindaloo

Pardon me while I have what my friend Tsuki calls a "lady boner" over Cate Blanchett playing Hela in the upcoming Thor 3 movie! I've always loved her and she became my Elven Queen in Lord of the Rings. I am so excited to see her in this roll, not because I've read the comics- because I haven't- but because she'll be playing what looks to be a villain. Ehm, she's freaking hot!

Prior to my hysterectomy, I had been trying to adjust to my "new normal" frequently. Now, life has giving me the opportunity to do so yet again with the surgery and the resulting aftermath. This morning, as Amanda was leaving, I broke out into tears because I miss one of our friends dearly. This friend is super busy a good deal of the time and while we both completely understand that and never want to become a source of strain, we've really been feeling her absence. 

Anyway, I figured that crying episode was in part because I was up all night writing. I seemed to get a second and then third wind. My stomach was bothering me from the chicken Vindaloo I'd made for dinner- the spiciness of which was on par with my mother's what I consider hell fire chili. When Amanda says it's spicy, you know you're going to experience it again later. I don't think my stomach has quite recovered. My body aches incessantly. Not the sharp pains or intense make you want to vomit kind of pain. No, this is a dull incessant, not quite bad enough to make you take a full on pain pill, but just enough to constantly drive you nuts. Worse, my breasts have decided to hop on the bandwagon. 

I knew I was in trouble this morning, apart from the crying and aches and pains, when I hallucinated a spider crawling long my arm but didn't feel it. I also had a good deal of trouble moving about. I decided to make some coffee and something to easy for breakfast. I ate, I drank a cup of coffee and this cherry and chia seed juice drink, then sat on the sofa with my feet up. I know drinking a cup of coffee seems counter productive, but sometimes when I am really tired, if I drink a cup, the crash helps me go to sleep easier. 

While I did get to sleep, my bastard cat, Thorin, woke me up 3 1/2 hours later. I thought he was hungry. Nope, Amanda fed the kitties before heading out to work this morning. He wanted attention and insisted I pet him. I wanted to strangle him. Now he's sleeping on the cat tower with Narcisa and all I want to do is get the squirt bottle and spray the hell out of him. I can't go back to sleep because the twins will be here in an hour or so. We are taking them to the bus station tonight so they can go on to Seattle for Sakura Con. I also need to do the dishes so I can cook dinner tonight and pick up the living room a little bit. Because I still haven't been able to lay down to sleep, Amanda has been sleeping on the sofa off and on to be near me. I need to fold our blankets, pull the sheet and pillow off to make room for our guests. I kind of just want to curl up and read or watch tv.

While I promised my parents I would read Monster Hunter International by Larry Correia and it is entertaining, I am crawling through that novel. I don't know what it is. I like it well enough, but I don't know, all the gun specs have me stopping to look them up so I know what the hell the character(s) are talking about. I can't help myself because I do like guns and I find it fascinating. But it slows down the reading and I'm not quite as into it as my parents are. However, it is giving me a genuine look into a kind of how should I put this, dumb, hopeless puppy dog, kind of chasing after some girl, that I haven't read before. Which is helpful for when I decide, if I decide to write a character like that. So I will never say the reading has been a waste of time. 

But I have been wanting to finish out Jeannine Frost's Night Prince series for awhile now. Since it has been a while since I read the first and second book, I decided to reread them so they are fresh in my mind as I move into the third and forth, final book. I know I am going to be so sad when the four books ends. I love this Vlad, he's such an ass but a fun ass! Aside from blatant attraction, I think if he were real, he would be a fun friend to have, a scary one of course- he is dangerous- but fun none the less. 

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

House work, follow the music, dark skies, and Absolutely Fabulous, Into the Badlands, and Preacher

We've been watching T.V. a little more than we usually do lately. I haven't felt up to going out and doing too much and sometimes, I just want to sit and be pulled into something fun to forget the crap I'm dealing with. So with that said, I thought I would mention a couple of the things we've been viewing. Amanda and Fiona have been watching a lot of South Park. I tend to put my headphones on for most of that to work on writing. However, I did notice that Absolutely Fabulous was on NetFlix and since I used to watch it on BBC America when I lived with my parents years ago- and loved it- I wanted to see it again. Amanda and I watched a couple of episodes tonight. Great fun! 

Well, Preacher is a disappointment. I had high hopes because Amanda has been reading the comic at work on her lunch break. A coworker brings it in for her. From what she told me, it sounded awesome. So, wanting to check out the show- because I like Dominic Cooper- we watched it. I had even higher hopes for it when I saw Seth Rogen's name in the credits. WTF?! Really? Not only does this stupid show have me twanging as if I have been around my Mother's family from Oklahoma, but it sucks. Maybe if I hadn't heard anything about it prior I might be happier with it, but no. Some of the people in the damned town remind me of some members of my family and I don't need any reminders of those people. We've given up and Amanda and I are going to see if the comics are at the library so I can read them and get the true story. 

Into the Badlands, was a show I saw advertised when I was down visiting my parents some time ago. My Mom saw it and said it was really good and that I would enjoy it. Last night our friend Rachel was over for dinner and said that I would really like it too. I'd already put it on my Netflix queue so we watched the first episode. There was some chatter in the background so I didn't catch everything but what I did see, I really liked. It's very intriguing, has some nice martial arts, and well, a couple of actors I like. Amanda and I are planning to re-watch the first episode soon and continue on. 

Today was a lovely day. Nice and overcast. We had some sleet and rain, it was chilly too. I opened the curtain and got all excited when I saw the darker clouds rolling in from the west. Needless to say it made me happy. We also seem to have a squirrel running about who doesn't have a full tail. It's kind of cute. 

Fiona went home today, she left while I was napping. I'm still not feeling up to doing much and she's been helping me out around the house with some cleaning and cooking. That's doesn't exactly make me happy because I want to be doing these things myself and she should be here to relax. I know she doesn't mind, but that's not the point. 

Anyway, I turned on pandora, turned it up, and went to work in my kitchen when I awoke. I hadn't been in there to clean for over a month and well, Fiona and Amanda don't clean quite like I clean. It;s not their fault, my mother is OCD and there are some things that I notice that other people don't because my Mom noticed them and would bitch at me to do them. So I did the dishes and cleaned one side of the kitchen. I still need to wipe down the cabinet doors and tackle the other side, but I could only do so much before I was hurting. I also broke a pint glass. When Amanda woke from her nap, she washed the cushion covers of the sofa and vacuumed the living room floor. Tomorrow, if I am feeling up for it, I will tackle the other half of the kitchen. Fiona rearranged my refrigerator when she was cleaning a spill. My cabinets are a mess too. It might take us all week, but we will get everything put back in order. Not to worry, I'm not complaining, not too much. I am grateful for all the help, I just wish I didn't have to go in and rearrange stuff after. 

Lastly, I read Amanda some of my story. She gave me some of her MFA Learned pointers and we got to talking. I think I really do want to explore the MFA avenue. I really do think it would be beneficial to me and now that my internal girly bits are gone and not killing me, I might actually be able to attend a school here in town rather than an online program. Which might also be good for me. I can hear my Dad bitching at me now.  He doesn't want me to be in debt and wants me to be writing and finishing a novel. But back to Amanda, apart from the critique, she'd say "gross" every so often about something that I was reading her, like Hetro sex and so on. It was kind of funny, but there was a moment or two where I started to worry. It was fine, she was giving me shit. 

Well, time to get to it. 

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Trying my hand at graphic design, panic outside, hospice care and family.

I decided to play around with paint.net again. It began out of my desire to make planner stickers more to my tastes. There aren't a ton of gothic themed stickers but there are a lot of Halloween- which is awesome- but I don't always want pumpkins. Besides, I'm not just a Goth Girl, I'm also a Nerd/Geek, and anime love, among other things. But I will get back to planner stickers in a moment. The picture above is something I put together to make a sign for above my desk. It's the 5-4-3-2-1 coping technique my therapist gave me to help me stave off or get out of panic attacks.  I simplified it, found a pretty mermaid picture, and a water texture/background, and threw it all together. Eventually, when we have more ink, I will print it out and frame it. 

Okay back to planner stickers. I made these today. They are far from perfect, totally rough, but they are practice for me. It was kind of fun and I had to ask Fiona how to a couple of things that I didn't know how to do before. Like making a duplicate of an image you've been working on. Or a duplicate of the clip art you just pasted. I've never had to do that before. Anyway, I would like to practice more and make a better version of this, one for Edward Elric, and some other anime I adore. Then I would like to make some Gothic themed planner sticker. 

Those are the good things. the not to good things are that I am having trouble making myself leave the house. I had to take half a nerve pill yesterday to stave off tears and panic despite me actually wanting to go to the store. It still didn't help too much. 

Today was a little better, but I still had trouble when we went to wal-mart for the things we didn't get at Winco. It is frustrating. 

In other news, my Mom asked me to call my Aunt tomorrow because as many times as she cried "I'm dying" now she actually is. She's officially got meals on wheels and hospice care. I don't really know how I feel about that. I don't think it has hit me yet and as much as she's hurt me, I don't actually want her to die. Plus she's my mom's identical twin and my Mom isn't doing well. On top of that all three of my cousins are kind of being douche bags to my aunt. I'm not sure what's going on with Shi-Chan, she's typically the sane one. I don't know, maybe she just got pushed too far.

Anyway, I didn't get much writing done last night and will be trying to pick it up again tonight. I am bringing my OC character's brother in to torture her some more. Surprise, he's not dead. Christine will be happy, it's Zolf. I probably won't write him as gritty as she does, but he pretty twisted. Yes, this is still the Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction and yes it is almost 340 pages long and I still have quite a bit left to do. >.> I swear, as soon as this is all done and edited, I will be working on an actual novel. I actually came up with another idea and when I sent it to my Dad he quoted something I had said, which was "she also likes to impale people, because that's fun" to which he replied "wow. just, wow." When I read that, I actually hurt myself laughing because I could hear his voice and the tone he'd use in my head and it was just that funny. Don't judge me. LOL. 

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Want to cry, tired and sore

Because I needed something adorable and cute today.

Emotionally, I am not doing well and today feels exceptionally bad. I tried to read, I tried to write, I even tried rest on the sofa and watch NHK World, Absolutely Fabulous, Midsummer Murders, and Stargate SG1. Nope, nothing's helping or pulling me up, not even music. Guess it is just a bad depression day. Normally I can deal but I just don't have the motivation to do anything. Which, in turn, makes me want to cry and have tiny fits of panic. 

I realize it has only been a month since I had surgery. I realize that I generally heal slower and that I haven't exactly had the best or even bouts of sleep long enough for my body to heal itself. However, I am really sore and every time I laugh or cough and sometimes when I go to the bathroom, I hurt where my cervix used to be. Sometimes when I get up, it hurts too. Its kind of aggravating. 

I still can't lay down without pain. Its enough that I can't ignore it and just sleep. So I am still sleeping, sitting up, on the sofa. I think that's really taking its toll on me because I'm not sleeping with Amanda. Sometimes all I want is a little cuddle time and I feel as though I can't have it. 

If I am honest, the damned clear blue pregnancy test commercial that runs over and over again on Hulu is really upsetting. I thought I had made peace a long time ago with not having kids of my own. After a while of having my period all over the place and then not stopping and all that mess, I never once trusted my body to have kids. Then it was a please make this stop so I can live sort of deal. And now that it is all gone, I'm dealing with all of them psychological crap that goes with it because damn it, I did want to have kids and I am so angry that I couldn't and even more angry now I will never even be able to try. Some people are like, well Amanda could have a kid or you could adopt. Yes, this is true and I am not against either of those except I don't want Amanda to sleep with someone else and I find the idea of buying a child abhorrent. I don't know, it's just probably the hormones leaving my system and my body adjusting to not having things that should be there, there. Either way, it hurts.

I'm a little upset on another front because I have some friends that want to hang out and a couple of them are having some troubles of their own. I want to help and part of me wants to hang out, but the other part of me just wishes people would leave me alone. I don't have the energy to deal with my own crap much less anyone else's problems. I'm not trying to be mean or rude, I just need more time. I have a whole new reality to adjust to.

Writing has been a little bit of a struggle the last couple of days. I rewrote a scene 4 times in one night and had to break away from it. I finally finished it up last night and write the next couple- which I was much happier with. I was worried and I still am, that by staying the night at a friend's house for two nights, I had interrupted my flow too much and was losing it. But I may just be worrying for no reason. This is probably also depression talking. 

Since I don't feel good and am crying now, I am going to take my depressed ass back to the sofa to watch something that may or may not cheer me up. Hopefully afterward I can get back to writing.  P.S. I know I am running behind again on blog reading, I'm hoping to get caught up in the next few days