Friday, October 6, 2017

Shit heads, kicked out of bed, and good news, finally!

First I'd like to point out that my darling fiance is a bitch. She's happily, loudly, snoring the night away, cozy, and smack dab in the middle of our bed. She got testy with me when I asked her to turn over. Then the next thing I know she's facing me again and gradually pushing me out of the bed. Fine, I'll just go sit on the sofa,, which is where I am. I've only been here since about 3:30 am, wide awake, peckish, and thinking about turning to coffee pot on- since I apparently don't get to sleep. 

Second, the apartment twats strike again. The renovation noise was pretty bad yesterday but I only have to put up with it in the afternoon. They turned off the stair well lights so our entry way is dark, okay no big deal, I guess. But what kind of pissed me off yesterday was the note on my door about cigarette butts littering the stair well that they say clean up or get a 25 dollar fine. The letter was addressed to everyone but only my door received it. 1. Not all of those are mine. 2. I am getting to it but I'm kind of in the middle of moving, because you are kicking me out. 3. Go fuck yourself. They just want more money. They also know that we are pretty tidy with the outdoor stuff, our patio is damned cute. Also, all those cigarette butts at the entrance to our stairwell was from me sweeping them up from the parking lot in the first place. I just got distracted and forgot to grab a bag to put them in for the trash. I've kind of been uber stressed out the last several months, I'm not always on top of everything. The really vindictive side of me wants to sweep up our entire section's parking lot, wait until we move out a couple of weeks and then slip in sometime in November to dump them all on the office door step. However, I won't  because it's not management who will have to clean it up, it the maintenance guys.

There is good news. My friend Rachel bleached and dyed my hair last night. I was going for a darker blue ombre look. The sapphire blue didn't really come out as dark as it was supposed to and I need to do a little touch up for missed spots, I just decided that I am going to take what is left of the sky blue and do an all over application today. I'll catch the missed spots and even out what sort of took and what didn't. I also think that for this ombre effect to really work, with the blue that is, I need get my blues farther apart in color. As in do really dark, a medium, and a really light. I think I got them too close together. No big, it was a learning experience. I'm just happy to have all blue hair again. 

The best piece of good news, and one that makes me feel a large sense of relief, is that we were pre-approved for a home loan yesterday. Our lender is such a nice guy and he is going to send me a list of realtors that his company works with. After talking with some friends who have been through the home buying process, that seems to work the best because both entities know each other's process and can help us fast track when we find a home we like.  

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Explosion, meltdown, thank the gods for Amanda and friends

The last couple of months have difficult and stressful, I've whined, ranted, and bitched enough about on this blog for everyone who reads it to have a very clear picture. 

Well, I have been trying really hard to hold it together, to get things done, and push myself into a positive- more happy state of mind. Amanda is having a hard time too and I want to support her 100% especially because she does so much and works so hard. Try as I could, bits of crying and doom and gloom eked out. It eked out of her too and yesterday I lost it. 

I awoke feeling awful, in pain, and ready to cry the moment I opened my eyes. We watched some anime for a an hour and tried to get started with the house- since it was Amanda's day off after working 8 in a row. Well, neither of us were doing so great and so we were slow to get going. It didn't help that they've already started tearing up the apartment above us there were constant loud bangs, thumps, and stomping. It was starting to drive me nuts. So I left to go get our marriage licence while Amanda began getting the living room ready to move our bed into it. We want to use our bedroom to put all the packed boxes in so they are out of the way. 

Anyway, I drove all the way downtown and when I arrived I realized that Amanda needed to be with me and that I didn't have change for the parking meter. On top of that it seemed like a lot of people were driving erratically n the highway. Which, really doesn't help the dream like feeling I was experiencing. The drive home wasn't good and the closer I got to home, the more angry I became. Stop and go traffic on the highway with people zipping in and out around me doesn't ever help that situation.  

When I finally got in the apartment, I told Amanda not to freak out I needed to scream. Then I just let it out. I realized after that the windows were open and that I'd freaked out the cats. The cats I cared about the neighbors can go fuck themselves. But that seemed to have been the tipping point because I began crying and couldn't stop. It got bad, really bad. I don't know what it is that happens in my brain when I slip into a sobbing session like that, what it is that makes me kind of half panic, but I start scratching. I had chewed my fingernails down just in case, but that didn't seem to matter. I was still scratching a little. Amanda sat me down and held my hands and talked to me, helped me remember to breathe. After awhile I calmed down enough to get up and go to the bathroom.

While I was in there, the panic started to ramp up again but I kind of went half numb. It was very weird. I hear Amanda call her Mom and hear her crying. She was so upset. This is supposed to be a happy time, we're getting married, its shouldn't be like this- this is what I can remember- and at that point everything bottomed out. I can't stand to hear her cry like that. I can't stand for her to be that upset, hurting this much.  I just. I have a problem with self harm. I never attack anyone else, just myself. I punched my legs, I scratched the hell out of my stomach but it was kind of like I wasn't there, only half there. Its hard to describe. Then when I realized what I was doing, I freaked even more because I don't want to be like that, I don't want to do these things. 

I got myself to calm down a little, enough to get out of the bathroom. I told Amanda I was going to put clean sheets on the bed, then make dinner, but I needed to do something first. She said okay. I came out to the living room and got on facebook because I knew we both needed help not just with the wedding and packing up the apartment. Only I sat there for half an hour unable to ask because I am terrified that my negative energy, my negativity and crazy will bog others down. I do not want to be a burden ever. I already feel like one some of the time. The longer I sat, the darker my thoughts became. I was crying again but not so bad per se. 

Amanda came out and wanted to know how I was doing. I told her I was having bad thoughts. She asked if I could share them with her, I did and she went to go change clothes because she was going to take me to the hospital. I freaked out. Mostly because I was afraid that they would just drug me up and send me home or keep me and then not let me leave and then I would be stuck in there and miss my wedding. 

Amanda got me calmed down from that. I decided I needed to talk to my friend Chris and go fora  short drive. I ended up at the gas station to get cigarettes. I felt better by the time I got home. We decided to call and check on another friend and see how she was doing and then twenty minutes later she was here and we talked about so much stuff. I felt so much better afterward. Exhausted, but better. I hope Amanda and our friend did too. 

Today, I feel almost back to normal. The bulk of the weight I was feeling is gone and I can breathe again. I think more clearly and feel more grounded and stable. I'm going to talk to my therapist about what happened. I think I am okay, at least for now and hopefully for a long time. I want to focus on the wedding and be happy, and help Amanda have a good and happy experience. This is an exciting time for us, we should be caught up in it not bogged down with borderline depression.     

Monday, October 2, 2017

Consulting the Skulls, More Sad News, and formulating plans for battle

While the cats are in the window enjoying the birds and squirrels, I've been beginning my day with a bit of the normal routine. E-mail has been checked, facebook messages have been checked, coffee is being consumed, and Amanda has been driven to the bus stop, all the while I've bitch slapped the depression monster. I'm not sure what makes my ability to do it this morning different from other times, perhaps its because I'm angry. 

Recently, because I've been fascinated with horoscopes and astrology, I finally sat down and did a couple of "find out your signs" calculators online. I did a couple to test that the information was correct. What I was looking for was my ascendant/ rising sign. I already know my sun sign is Pisces (A water sign) and that my moon sign is Aries (a fire sign). After plugging in all the info, I learned that my ascendant/rising sign is Leo (a fire sign). My first thought was "SHIT"! I'm water and double fire?! And then I realized that makes a lot of sense in how I approach and handle things in life. Also, my mother is a Leo and my father is a Gemini. I would like to learn more and thankfully, I have a couple of friends who really like astrology as well as the internet as some books. It is time. 

not my photo

A couple of nights ago, while my depression monster was singing me her favorite poisonous songs, I decided it was time to consult the universe, Gods, Ether, what have you for just a general "What do I need to know?" Normally I would use a tarot deck, but for some reason I felt pulled to draw from this oracle. LET GO was the main message. That's one of the hardest things for me, but I am trying. 

The sad news is that neither of my parents will be attending the wedding. I think there is more going on than either of my parents are telling me. They don't like to worry me, but that worries me even more. Especially when my Dad tells me over text that he is sorry that life seems to be imploding for both of us. With his and Mom's depression, I'm more than a little worried. But basically, Mom was scared to navigate airports alone. Being a tiny woman who is half deaf who also has health issues, that's more than a little scary. So, we are in the process of getting her to the doctor to get a statement saying that she can't fly due to health reasons so Delta will refund her ticket. Because really, if she was alone and had a seizure, she'd end up in a hospital with no insurance and Dad would have to go get her and that would just be a mess.  So, yeah. 

We were outside when my next door neighbor got home last night and told her the sad news of our impending move. She was pissed and sad too. She likes us. We are relatively quiet and nice and don't bother anyone. She said we should fight them. She also said she can point out all the apartments who's tenants who are fraudulently staying here. That's depressing. She also asked us why we only for 30 days to move out when everyone else got 120 days. We don't know the answer to that. I don't want to ask or poke the bears down in the office lest they decide to revoke the $1800.00 they are giving us for relocation costs. I'm sure part of that money is to shut us up, to make sure that we don't bitch to who ever about it. But little do they know that they pissed off the wrong Witch. I know we have wanted to get the hell out of here, I know that we haven't liked dealing with them and their lack of professionalism and care of the property, but we wanted to move out on our own terms when we were ready, not be forced out during the month of our wedding. After we have moved, after we have that check and have cashed it, I'm raising hell. Every one I have talked to about it says to do it, which keeps me from mentally making excuses for their behavior and backing down to be the doormat who gets shit wiped on her. No, not this time. There will be reviews left on every apartment website. There will be a message sent to the local news paper about them and the housing authority. I won't be talking about just our experience but that of my friend who was forced to live with cockroaches for two months because they couldn't get their shit together. It's on.... just after my wedding.

So while I will be formulating the best course of action to take for that piece of business, I am going to spend today making a plan as to how I want to pack up my apartment. I need to make somewhat of a meal plan so I know what groceries to get, and I need to make a list of things to do apartment wise, as well as what's left to be done for the wedding. I am hoping that today  I can get my hair bleached and dyed as well. I've already sent off the information to our lender to see if we can get pre-approved for a home loan and am waiting to hear back on that.  Aside from that, I'm just going to try and relax today. I might be mostly ready mentally to start doing things, but I feel like shit physically and need to calm down and not over do it or I won't be good for anything. The one thing I hate most is sitting around and watching everyone else do the hard work. I feel like a giant ass hole when that happens. But, it is what it is. 

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Losing home, are you kidding me, and almost hospital

Five months ago I asked my parents if me buying their plane tickets, taking care of them while they were at my house so they could attend my wedding, would be okay. My friend Rachel was fronting me the money and I was to work it off during the summer at her Kettle Corn stand. My parents said okay. Two weeks ago my Dad said he might be able to come because they would never dig themselves out of the hole from losing a weeks worth of his pay. Amanda said she'd give him money to supplement them coming up. We don't have it but we were going tom make it happen. That just pissed my Dad off.  There were somethings happening at his job that might have allowed him to come. Except they never happened. He never got the promotion, he never got the job with another correctional facility in another county.... it is a mess.  So he is not coming. My Dad is not coming to my wedding. It is official. And I am not okay with it. I understand why. But it still hurts. It still feels like I'm not worth the effort in a way. 

Worse, it sounds like my Mom wants to bail on me to. I was talking to her last night about another issue and she said "If I come up". I just about lost my shit. "I said, what do you mean 'if'. You're coming!" But you know at this point. Fuck it. Just fuck it. No I don't want her flying alone. Yes, the lay overs suck and the changing of planes is a hassle, but damn it, aren't I worth the fucking effort? Apparently not. 

On top of that, my fears of being kicked out of our apartment came true yesterday. They finally found something to give us the boot and they can get away with it. Amanda makes commission but it varies and is not a gaurnteed thing. But they basically did a 'projected' 'what she has the potential to make' estimate and used that to kick us out. It put us over the kick out line by $100 dollars. $100. We have 30 days to get out of our apartment. We still have to pay rent for October, the full amount, and if we move out before the 30 days is up, we don't get the money for the day not lived here back. When Amanda asked if we could have two months, they said no. I told them we are getting married next month, that my Mom is flying in from out of town, that we are going on our honeymoon. They didn't give a shit. It was pretty much "aww that sucks, get out".  They are giving us $1,800.00 for moving expenses. I am trying to look at that as a positive but it is very difficult. I don't actually trust that these people will hand us that money in the end. 

Last night was awful. I cycled through crying, wanting to break things, wanting to vomit, being furious, and then feeling like the ground under me was crumbling and I was scrambling to find something to hang on to before I was buried and suffocated by my own feelings. I tried to keep it all in and keep Amanda from texting my parents with offers to give them money we really don't have to they come to the wedding.  That just stressed me out more even though it was so kind and sweet of her. It's not her fault, its that my Dad won't take it. He's too proud. His pride is hurting me and I don't think he realizes it. 

I almost gave up last night. I was watching anime and talking to my friend Chris over facebook messenger. When things get really bad I have the urge to scratch and tear my skin. Last night I wanted to flay it off with a knife and it scared me. That's just not normal. I took half a xanax and sat on my hands. It was awful and I really considered asking Amanda to drive me to the hospital. I even mentioned it to her and she was going to take me. But I didn't go. She has to work today and couldn't afford to lose sleep. I didn't want to be away from my cats or away from my home. 

On top of that, Amanda broke out in hives all over her body. We don't know if she's got a latex allergy- she popped all the birthday balloons at her desk yesterday. Or if it was stress hives or both. She looks better this morning. 

Amanda and I are both trying really hard to be positive and look at this all positively. We want a house and this is a potential opportunity to make it happen sooner rather than later. We've already been looking and last night I found one that I really like in our price range. We've been making a plan of what to do. We have a friend who is going to come and stay and finish any packing we might need to do while we are on our honeymoon. We are going to put nonessential stuff in storage and out our bed in Amanda's parents dining room because that's where we can go with the cats. We'll probably do some couch surfing a little bit too. Then when we are able to get a house, Amanda's parents are moving with us and living with us for 6 months. We are trying to get them over here anyway and get her mother into a better doctor. 

So, today while it's 4:40 in the morning and I am awake and already trying to still the panic, anxiety, depression monster, and trying not to cry, I'm making plans to go to Sally's Beauty Supply to pick up some more bleach for my hair and maybe another box of hair dye. It's time to do my hair. And I think, today, I want to paint my toe nails and I don't know, just try to make it through the day. 

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Frustration over Fiction, something different, and aches

There is a definite need to break away from the crap going on in my life. This morning I woke up feeling so awful. Aside from this being a fibromyalgia flare up day, my body hurts on top of that due to having to have my legs propped up for most of yesterday. They were terribly swollen again. My head hurt, even my eyelids and eyes hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I feel this bad at 33, what the hell is 43 or even 53 going to be like and that just opens to the door for my depression monster to come for  visit. I've had enough of that bitch. 

So despite feeling terrible, I drug myself out of bed, got dressed, and stepped outside for a smoke- because I'm apparently still doing that- for the time being. The landscape guys are out mowing the lawn, a thing I detest because I am allergic to pretty much all grasses, and generally tend to itch even with my allergy meds. Thankfully they had already been out front and were mowing elsewhere. As I leaned against the metal carport column, I relaxed and actually smiled. I'm not a big fan of bright sunshine as I have light sensitivity, but it is a fucking gorgeous day out. The air is crisp, has that early morning dewy scent. The birds are out, excitedly chirping and flitting about for the insects stirred from the lawnmower. I think we might have a hawk's nest in the tall evergreen that sits at the apartment complex entrance. I've seen it flying and watching, hunting near there and coming in and out of the green branches. The chill in the air was a bit invigorating and woke my sluggish brain up a little more. It reminded me of how much I would like a porch swing in my someday backyard. I want to curl up in the shade, slowly rocking, with my eyes closed and just be. I used to lay on my Great Grandma Ireland's porch swing with my head in her lap. She'd chat with my Grandma or sing me songs or tell me stories and we'd slowly rock back and forth. Those were probably some of the few times anyone could ever get me to sit still as a child.

But, moving on.  

It's getting to be that time of year again- National Novel Writer's Month, which thankfully is in November. A couple of my friends are already signed up and gearing to begin the adventure of 30 days of word vomiting 50,000 words to make a novel. That sounds gross, but when you're writing a first draft of something on a time limit, you're pretty much letting your fingers fly over the keys with the intent to just expel the ideas, story, build the world, and characters in such a manner as to get it out, then pick up the good stuff and shed the crap later. The experience can be frustrating, exciting, and surprising in a somewhat self satisfying way. Or you can look at your draft at the end and groan and wonder just what the hell you were thinking. Still, after 30 days, you will have written more or less than 50,000 words and that is an accomplishment all on its own. 

This year I'm not sure if I will be participating. There is a part of me that says, "no, it might actually be too much". But the other part says "go for it and actually push this shit out". I've "won" NaNoWriMo several times in that I've completed 50,000 words in a month or less. However, nothing I have done within that time frame has ever been finished. Which is a problem for someone who would love to realize her dream of being a full time published author. 

I told the few friends in my immediate vicinity that I would like to try to do this, to finish something, this year. They are supportive and those that are participating in NaNoWriMo think I should join them in the month long endeavor and we've discussed having write-ins together. A write in generally consists of snacks, coffee and tea, light chatting to bounce ideas off each other, and most importantly writing. Sometimes the writing doesn't happen, but that's okay too. However, with not knowing if I will have to move, trying to knock out 50,000 words might be a problem. So, I told my friends that if I have to move, I can't do it this year. If I don't have to move then I am 100% game. 

But there is another problem. I have several novels to write. There are a couple that I have been working on for years, ones that I have rewritten or restarted because my writing has changed and evolved and I am not satisfied with the story. So, I'm not sure what to write. Which do I pick? 
I confess there is some fear in choosing. What if I fuck it up? What if the characters aren't believable? What if I need to buy commas and can't get away from a certain tense? Dangling modifiers love me. What if when Amanda reads it or I read it to her, she says "that's good, but where's your plot"? Stupid confidence crushing fears. I need to just pick one and go, get it out, and then pick up the pieces after. 

I think to help me pick, to help me decide, I'll spend some time with the things that inspire me. Anime, movies, other novels, music, and even art, all these things help ignite and foster ideas through my emotional connection and reaction to them. The piece above is one such source. I love it, I want t add that sense of betrayal into one of my stories and I already know how it will happen. The scene is already formed its the getting there that's holding me back. 

I could go on, but I'm starting fall asleep. A short nap is in order, I think.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Update and A Small Gothic Fashion Frustration.

Things are still rather nuts. The imperative sense of scrambling seems less intense. I still do not know if my Dad is going to make it to the wedding. He is still waiting for news on his end, but with every day that drags on, the less time I have to call the airline and make changes to the tickets. 

We still have not signed a lease with our apartment complex. We went in this last weekend to do so and give them Amanda's 401k information -which they can't use against us anyway because she hasn't been contributing to it- and the lady in the office said she didn't know why they had us down to sign a lease when they have some sort of paperwork done yet. Wow, really?! So we made yet another appointment for this coming weekend to sign the lease then. 

Amanda's Mom came last weekend as well. We got our car from the mechanic and it runs nicely. As soon as she gets paid, we'll take it back to emissions testing and get it tagged so its legal to drive again.

Also last weekend we did some wrap up wedding shopping. That was a bit overwhelming and exhausting, but it is done. All that is left are a few things from Amazon and Amanda and I need to finish making the decorations. Well, and writing our vows. Amanda's freaking out a little. I'm... not? Perhaps that's because I've spent the last several months in a state of high stress and fear and this crap with my parents and the apartment has been enough to make the actual wedding stress look like a vacation. I mean I've cried over the possibility that my Dad might not be at my wedding and thus all the wedding pictures are going to be permanent evidence and a reminder forever of that- which conflicts with all the happy-fuzzy feelings I should be completely swept up in for that day- which only pisses me off and makes me want to cry all over again because its not fair to Amanda that I'm so fucking depressed over it. I've tried to say fuck it, whatever, but I can't help the way I feel without stuffing everything down so far that I go numb again. *sigh* I really need to get the fuck over this. 

Because I am pear shaped and fat, finding a wedding dress that I liked and would fit me was never going to happen.  I would have had to make it or find someone to make one for me both of which was going to be more expensive than we could afford. If one were to go by semi-standard US sizing, my hips need a 5x but my shoulders need a 2/3x. Trust me, it sucks. I like Victorian and military goth styles A LOT and my shape doesn't always accommodate that, unless tailored right.

So, Amanda and I hit Torrid to find something. She found a pretty red and black Snow White dress and I found a formal-ish, plain black dress. Because its fall and we're having an evening wedding, there is a good chance it will be chilly, so I was going to need something for my shoulders. Well, no one really makes patterns in my size for what I was looking for. So, I did the next best thing and bought a costume pattern in the biggest size I could find and got on the internet to see how to upsize it. The bolero circled in yellow in the picture above, is the pattern I used. I nixed the collar and took the points off the red part of the sleeves. I also did away with sleeve gathers and still had to tailor the damned thing to fit my shoulders because they are small. I found a velvety burnout damask fabric in black so, its black, not blue and red like the picture. I also bought a broach/necklace to finish it off. You will have to wait for the wedding pictures to see it. I haven't even tried it on with the dress yet. 

I want to make another one, a couple actually, just not with the same fabric. The teeth that move fabric along on the my sewing machine didn't like the fabric very well and tried to eat it. That was several small fits of panic. And, now that I know how to upsize a pattern and actually have a handle on sewing sleeves, I would like to venture out into other pieces of clothing. But that will have to wait until after I make Amanda's cloak, until after the wedding, and possibly even until after winter. 

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

After yesterday, this is what I know.

Yesterday I was on and off the phone from 8 am to 3 pm. Nerve wracking doesn't even begin to cover it and I was so very relieved when I was finished and could retreat to my corner of the sofa and just breathe.

On the doctor front. The doctor my insurance assigned me didn't actually take my insurance any more. So I called my insurance to see where to go from there. The woman I spoke with was not only nice, but she went down a long list of providers for me and called them herself instead of just throwing a bunch of names and numbers at me. There were several that did take my insurance but they didn't have any openings until November or even January. But, luckily we found a doctor who not only took my insurance and had openings as soon as today, but I know her. She's Amanda's doctor. I had completely forgotten about her as a possibility. 

I saw her today. My blood pressure was really high- go figure. She wanted to talk about nutrition, because I'm fat, but she didn't fat shame me in the least. Instead she asked me what I ate yesterday and when I told her, her eyebrows went up. She said I wasn't eating enough to function and while I was eating mostly good stuff, it just wasn't enough. But since the hysterectomy, I'm not as hungry any more. I have always been a grazer during the day anyway, with a decent meal for dinner. Meh. She also wants me drinking 200 oz of water a day. Uh huh, we'll see about that, I get over 84 oz and I start feeling like I want to puke. And she wants me to take more Vitamin D and C and cut the melatonin down when I do take it. I forgot to talk to her about my thyroid. 

Back to yesterday's calls. 
I remembered that I needed to talk to the student loan people. So I called them and got put on an income based payment plan. I jut had to print, fill out, and sign some paperwork and I need to mail it off today. 

I also did my food stamp review, spent forever on the phone only to have some guy tell me I had to do it online. Then I filled out the HEM review paperwork- have to mail that off today too. And I left a message for my case manager at DSHS. She was out sick, apparently, some guy called me back to tell me, basically nothing helpful. 

I tried to call Rachel's landlord. He picked up but didn't say anything. Since he didn't say anything and there was a lot of noise I'm assuming he thought he had silenced his phone? I don't know. I am going to try calling him on Amanda's phone or make her call him. 

I made an appointment for the car to get looked at and fixed. I took it into the shop today.

I also called our apartment complex's office and left a message (because they never pick up the phone, ever), to ask exactly what it was they need about Amanda's 401k. I told them we were getting married next month and that they can talk to me since she's at work all the time and can't get into deal with them. I also asked them if there was anything else whatsoever that they needed. 

Well, apparently, Amanda called the on her break or lunch break because they called her again. They told her that we missed our lease signing appointment. WHAT APPOINTMENT?! Oh hell no! We never had a fucking appointment. The last meeting I had with the office, the woman I dealt with told me they would be signing leases on the WEEK of the 18th. They never gave us a time or day. I even wrote it in my planner, right in front of her. She told me they would work with Amanda's work schedule. Then on top of that, when I went out for a cigarette break last week (because yes, I broke down while stressed to smoke a little), I noticed that everyone else's doors had a notice on them but ours did not. So, I got up close enough to read the one on my neighbor's door. It was talking about lease signing. Nervous, I started to wonder why we didn't get one. I thought, on the upside, that it was because they had already told us when the lease signings were, but the more I thought about it, the more I started to get a little paranoid and worried. Why did everyone else get a reminder notice but we didn't? I mean everyone, I checked.

So that bull shit aside, Amanda got an appointment time with them this weekend wherein she will give them whatever it is they need. But I am pretty sure that they really are trying to find a way to kick us out. I'm pretty sure they are going to say her 401k is income and that will put us over the limit. 

That being said, I also spent some time calling mortgage lenders. I did get to talk with one and gave him some information. He had to pull our credit but sent an e-mil back to me today saying that we'll have to do this using Amanda's credit, mind isn't high enough, but it looks good. The next step is to get approved for a loan. So we now have the ball in the beginning stages of rolling as far as buying a house goes. I just have to e-mail him back, but I thought I would wait until Amanda got home so we could talk in person, instead of via her work e-mail.  

Apart from that, I need to get legal sized envelopes so I can mail my student loan stuff and we are having dinner at Rachel's tonight. But I think we are cooking? I'm not sure what's going on with dinner. I need to make bread though. The sourdough and pumpkin. I don't really feel up to it today. Oh, laundry. I need to do that. 

I suppose I should go find something to eat, since I've only had a small salad, three cups of coffee, and a cup of lemon ginger tea today. Cheese quesadilla, that sounds nice and won't make much of a mess.   

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Life exploded in my face, keep it together, and listening to the rain.

First, before I get into the emotional and mental upheaval and turmoil that left me telling Amanda that I loved her but don't want to be here anymore (which is only half true), I want to report that it is raining! For me, despite the aches that come with the rain, it it like a good omen and salve to my tattered nerves. I love the rain and gloomy days are always better for me all around. I'm reminded by that song from Garbage, "Only happy when it rains". 

On to the shit!

It began with a letter from DSHS (Department of social and health services,). I have to do a review to keep my food stamps. Okay, no big, I've done it before, all it takes is a phone call. Except there was another letter from my new case worker, who sent a letter detailing that I need to get into my doctor within the next x amount of days to be reevaluated. I don't actually have a doctor at this moment. I mean my insurance assigned me a new one when my doctor ended her contract with them. So, not only do I know if this new woman is taking new patients, but I have never met her nor do I know if she is actually going to do anything to help me. So I have to deal with all of that. Okay. So that on top of the wedding stuff is stressful. But it gets worse. 

My Mother called and informed me that my Dad may not actually get to come to my wedding. It isn't that he doesn't want to, it's that they can't afford to lose a week of his pay. But that there was something he was working on but he wouldn't tell her and if it came through he might get to come. Then she proceeded to tell me all the ways I have to be okay with this. Are you fucking kidding me?! I felt so sick while on the phone with her. I felt like I just don't matter, that work will always come before me, and it was all so much worse because I was finally allowing myself to get excited at the prospect that they were both finally coming. I mean, they didn't come when they actually had the money, which was really shitty because at that time I had really needed them too, but I never fussed. 

After a good cry in which I told Amanda that I feel like I'm just not worth anything, that this kind of thing just reinforces it over and over again, that I have these urges to tear my skin off, and that I love her but I don't want to be here anymore, that I can't do this anymore, I called my Mom back angry. I told her that I needed to know what the fuck was going on because I did not get heat sick, over work my body, and stress out over helping Rachel for nothing. She didn't know. So I called my Dad, who was pissed at her for mentioning anything to me in the first place.

Apparently there are some new things happening with my Dad's two jobs. He might get full time. He might become an assistant manger, he might get extra work, or he might get hired at a correctional facility in another county. If none of that works out, my Dad says that they will never dig themselves out of the hole if he loses a week in pay. Grandma and Grandpa can't help them out anymore- which I more than understand. He said he never would have told my mom anything because she is so OCD and fixates on thing, except he had to tell her something because otherwise, she would hound him about not telling her anything. Apparently she kept her mouth shut for a couple weeks but was mad at him and said that he had to tell me himself. Except he didn't want to say anything until he knew something. But I told him, he had to keep me updated because I will have to deal with the air line to get the name on the ticket changed if my cousin Shi-Chan comes in his place, and if she doesn't, then I need to get a refund for the ticket and I need to do all of that soon.

While I was still raw over the crap with my parents, yesterday morning Amanda got a message on her cell phone from one of our apartment managers. They need more information on her 401k. She never signed up for 401k at work, her job automatically signs everyone up for it. The truth of the matter is, we are supposed to be signing a lease this week but they are looking for ANY reason they can use to kick us out. The apartment complex recently became a tax credit complex- which means they want as many low income and state subsidized tenants as they can get because they can charge a higher rent. The tenants will pay a small portion of that and the state will pay the rest. For people like Amanda and I, we don't get charged the higher rent, we get charged a market price. So we don't make them more money. 

I knew, several months ago, they would pull this shit around the wedding time, but tried to convince myself it was all going to be okay- that I wouldn't lose my apartment, that everything would be fine. But this shit with Amanda's 401k, they want to use it to say that we make too much to live here. So, yesterday I began looking for studio apartments or even one bedroom apartment. They are either as much or even more rent than we pay now. I did find a two bedroom for less than we pay but no pets are allowed. Technically, my cats are therapy animals but when you tell an apartment manager that, a lot of them will find some other reason not to let you live there to get out of having to accommodate therapy animals.  

So there was talk of living with Cathy and Francis. FUCK NO! I can't move back to Idaho and live with them in that tiny apartment. Plus they can't have two more animals in there, not with the new management. I would also lose my health insurance and Amanda would have a longer bus ride and we would pay out more in gas for her to drive back into Washington to get to the bus that would take her to work. We could live with Rachel, but I don't want to burden her despite that she offered. 

There was even more talk about finding a housing lender that will lend to people with student loans who are in the first time home buyer's program. We have been assured that they are out there, but we have to find them ourselves. So the thought was that Cathy and Francis would help us get the ernest money and move in with us for 6 months to A) help us out and help us save up a buffer by paying half of everything and B) allow them to pay less money out so they can save to get a better car and find an apartment here in Washington. That could work. Especially if we have more space to escape and find quiet. And we wouldn't have to worry about the cats. 

Where this is a problem, is time. We are getting married in less than a month and we may not have an apartment in less than a month and we have people coming and the fucking wedding! Outwardly, yesterday I was a sobbing mess. I cried every few minutes and couldn't seem to stop. Internally, I was screaming. 

Then, on top of all of that, Rachel called to tell us that we couldn't take our car to her mechanic because he's not certified to get our car up to snuff to pass emissions. That, I can deal with easiely, I just have to find a certified mechanic. The problem we couldn't deal with very well, was that the damned car doesn't seem to want to accept gas when we try to fill it up. Amanda couldn't even get two gallons in yesterday and she said it was spitting the gas out, but the car was almost empty. 

I. Cant. Even!

By the time I got home, after crying most of Sunday and off and on all day yesterday, I turned into this, and attacked my desk to try and put all of this into something I could at least get a grip on and try to handle feasibly. Amanda worked on trying to finish up our wedding ceremony and she made me dinner. Since I fussed a little on facebook, a couple of friends have offered to help in different areas, which is really nice because honestly, most of the time growing up and even as an adult I could do things for other people but they couldn't be bothered to do anything for me and it hurt, a lot. 

Anyway, I have a list. First, I'm going to call my supposed new doctor and see if I can't get an appointment with her this week when Amanda can go in with me. Then I need to call DSHS. Then I need to call the mechanic and see if I can't get the car in. Then I am going to call Rachel's landlord to see if he has any rentals available. Then I need to call a list of lenders to see who will work with us. Then I need to deal with the apartment managers and tell them they will deal with me because Amanda and I are getting married next month and anything pertaining to her will also pertain to me and they can just fucking deal with it.  At some point I need to make lunch and dinner and finish the painting I for Amanda's birthday, pick up the house, and start some laundry, oh and shower. And I have to do all of this without losing my shit or having panic attacks because of being on the phone with strangers. Nope, still haven't been able to shake the phobia of talking on the phone with strangers from the call centers I've worked for. You get told enough times that someone hates you or wants to kill you because you interrupted American Idol or some shit and you just stop wanting to even look at a phone. 

And in all of this, Fiona is trying to help but I know what she really wants is for us to allow her to help so she can move in with us and get out of her shitty situation but really, I will kill her if I live with her. I love her, she's like a sister, but I will kill her. She also wants to start doing spiritual stuff and I just can't even think about setting that up right now. 

So, yeah. I'm going to get on that now that's it's after 8 and businesses are finally open.  I can't decide whether I want to cry or be horribly angry and all I want to do is curl up on my sofa and binge watch anime- because anime always makes me feel better. And I hurt today. Its another fibro flare up day- which doesn't help. So wish me lots of luck, I will need all of it!

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Lackluster bride, flurry of crafting is upon us, stupid vacuum.

I am going to have to print this picture out as a reminder to myself. 

Our vacuum broke and it is not an easy fix nor is this a good time for it to do so. My friend Rachel and I have both been sewing, she for her bride's maid dress (for another wedding) and me for my bolero. We have bits of thread and fibers from our respective fabrics littering the floor. This wouldn't normally be an issue- at least until the sewing is done- except that I have a certain black cat (Narcisa) who had pica. I have to keep half an eye on her and make sure she doesn't eat anything threads that escape the kitchen table. Last night I had to wrestle my hair brush from her because she was laying on it, rubbing her face on it, which was adorable, until she started eating the few strand of hair between the bristles. She is so bizarre.

The wedding is kind of driving me batty but it is slowly beginning to come together. This morning I finally felt a little brush of confidence in all our efforts. I had a vision of what I wanted and have constantly adapted it to suit what we could afford, and what is practical- in the sense of what I am up for. I haven't exactly been the excited, fluttery bride nor have I been a bridezilla. I've been the "okay, whatever" exhausted, sometimes crying, sometimes approaching everything with lackluster enthusiasm. You'd think, hey I'm getting married, let's do all the things and party. Nope, not me. 

I know I have been overwhelmed by it all. Amanda and I had differing ideas, that was fine. I think we've come up with many compromises and have managed to work each other's ideas together fairly well. She is doing an amazing job writing up the wedding ritual and script (because we are pagan). I haven't really had the wherewithal to do that. I've needed to come at it from a different approach, more hands on, but I've had some trouble there as well. Between fibromalgia flareups, having really bad depression days, nightmares, panic attacks so bad Amanda threatened to take me to the hospital, working the plane ticket fares off with Rachel (so my parents could be here for the wedding), and just trying to generally figure out what the fuck I am doing, it's been really weird. 

I have to remind myself that I had a major surgery seven months ago. My body is probably still adjusting. It most certainly has changed physically, which is something I am still struggling with. The way it's changed almost feels like another betrayal and when I feel betrayed, I immediately want to punish the offender. I don't, but I can't help feeling that way. There is also yet another overwhelming and quietly- yet at times screamingly suffocating sense of loss. It is exhausting. 

While there are other things I have to remind myself of as well and I don't know where I am going or what the hell I am doing a good deal of the time. I know the things I want, but keeping myself going has been a kind of struggle. I keep telling myself to get back up, take another step, and keep moving forward. But to where? To what? What can I do like this? 


Despite all of this, I am gaining more enthusiasm for the wedding on the whole. I have more sewing to do on my bolero. I am planning on finishing up the jars Rachel decided we needed for decor. She has this vision of luminaries along the path. That's cool, but they need to be finished. I'm thinking about scrapping the wine bottle luminaries because they will overtake the beautiful decorations a friend made. We need something smaller to complement them and I think I know what I want. So, I'll be crafting a lot in the next couple of days and maybe, when all the crafting, is finished, my house will get clean the way I really need it to be cleaned. It is a cluttered mess at the moment and I need to borrow a vacuum and mop the kitchen, hallway, and bathroom floors.  

And I need to write my vows. 

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Last night

Last night was awful. I finally laid down in bed with Amanda and I fell asleep fairly quickly, which was nice. But then I woke up an hour and half later. the bedroom had been warm and apparently I had been hot enough to sweat but then I woke with a fever. I was freezing! It was so bad that that everything tensed and seized up, there was so much pain. I could barely get out of bed, grab a blanket, and make it out to the living room. In effort to warm up, I grabbed a ginger ale and the aleve and sat in front of our little space heater until the medicine kicked in. 

I was so tried but couldn't quite sleep so I spent a couple hours looking at things on the internet. Finally I sat on the sofa, put my feet up, and managed to fall into an exhausted, hard sleep. I missed having coffee with Amanda, missed seeing her off to work, and didn't wake up until around 8:30 this morning. I feel better, but I am so tired and still a bit achy. There are some things I want to do today like the dishes and I want to write a little, cook something nice for dinner, but I may have to take a nap. I'm a little hungry too but I don't know if I have the energy to cook myself something for lunch. I kind of wanted to make grilled cheese and tomato soup, but I think I will just eat a little bowl of salad and call that good for now. 

Aside from that, I missed my medication the other night and yesterday was sassy, a little manic, and well, very opinionated. I apologized to my friend Rachel about it and she said it was fine that she actually liked me like that and having more opinions. She's not the first person who has told me they like me better without my meds. The first day without them is fine, but the next is awful. No, worries, I made sure to get them before bed last night. But still, why is my less reserved, more opinionated, sassy behavior more preferable to? I don't always feel good when that happens. I feel less in control of myself and think less about what I say and I am certainly less calm. I've never understood it really.  

Monday, September 11, 2017

The Muslim Woman Teacher, the jealous girlfriend, sad news, and "I can't even".

I recently learned that the band H.I.M. is on their farewell tour. I know all good things come to an end, but I really liked them and while I haven't been to concerts in a a few years, I would have gone to see them if they came close to where I live. That's my sad news. I mean really, it could be a lot worse. 

I've either fallen asleep watching TV or planned to sleep on the sofa for the last couple of nights. Amanda and I have both been tired and so much so that we're too tried to go in and change the bed sheets by the end of the day. We've been too tired to do a lot and have pushed through anyway. Last week was a bit rough for both of us. Cousin Kat came and left over the weekend and then I had several days where I was in a lot of pain, foggy brained, and or really depressed. All of that is exhausting and instead of trying to fight it all and wear myself out more, I said 'fuck it' and decided to play Guild Wars 2. That was good, although frustrating because a lot of stuff is different and I'm not sure I was following things clearly. 

Anyway back to the T.V. NHK does some documentaries called Inside Lens. This week its about a Muslim woman in Indonesia who runs a religious boarding school. She teaches, runs it, and gives talks about how men should treat women better, equality, and how without strong women and mothers, we wouldn't have strong nations. She is AMAZING! She didn't used to run the school, it was her husbands school but he passed away and for awhile she was a little lost. But she is very religious and prayed and found her answer to be that she would keep the school running on her own, that the only man she needed was God. Here is the link for the documentary:

I decided to do a written role play with cousin Kat. She's had a lot of hell recently and I wanted to give her a little something to look forward too, in my own way, that I knew I could do. There's not a whole lot I feel that I can do lately, so this at least gets me doing something constructive. Anyway, I've wanted to write a Kitsune story. I started a book years ago but never got very far with it. So, I decided to have a Kitsune character once again and see what I could come up with this time. I gave him a horrible back story and then wrote the opening post. When I read it to Amanda, she was a little and cutely jealous. She wants to play with Noritoki and really liked my opening. She even thought it would make a good novel on its own. 

Speaking of Amanda, we've both had a crummy last couple of weeks. The good stuff has been getting to see Cousin Kat, seeing a couple of friends, and the new episodes of My Little Pony on Netflix. Amanda was so depressed last night that she wanted to finish out the episodes, except that kind of backfired. The last episode was about Applejack's parents- who while the show has never said it, that I can remember, aren't living. The apple family siblings learned about their parents beginning relationship and how they came to be married. But both Amanda and I were really upset because while we know their parents are gone, we don't know the why or the how and ugh! So I suggested we watch some of season 2 of Kamisama Kiss because that's fun and cute and it has a pissy Kitsune named Tomoe who is freaking awesome, gorgeous, and I just love him. I also really like the anime because it make me laugh. There was an instance last night where one of the characters (we are watching the american dub- I like both thank you-) says "I can't even" and while a lot of people use that phrase, I've even used that phrase, it was so unexpected in an anime that it struck my funny bone just right. I'm still giggling over it. 

But that's the mostly happy stuff. We've got more car issues than we bargained for, as in it didn't pass the emissions test so we couldn't buy car tags and won't be able to until we can afford to get it worked on and then of it has to pass or we will have had to do 150 dollars worth of work on it to try to get it to pass before we can buy car tags. Amanda got me some bus passes for when I need to go somewhere and a friend is taking me to an appointment this afternoon. Aside from that, it's just pain, depression, panic attacks, and wedding stress.  

The Darkling Tag

Thanks to Sarah for tagging people who hadn't been tagged! I accept!


  • What is your favorite candle scent? I tend to gravitate toward woodsy scents and fall scents like mulled cider or pumpkin pie.
  • Do you have a favourite book? I have many! Mara Daughter of the Nile, Lord of the Rings, Fanny (a children’s book about a three legged cat and a puppy who becomes her friend) and The Night Prince Series.
  • Are you a tea or coffee person? I enjoy both. Typically I have coffee in the mornings and tea at any given time of day or night (if I am up). Recently I mentioned that I liked tea to my Grandma and she asked me what kinds I like. I told her it would be more efficient to ask me the kinds I don’t like. I have a small stash and just recently found a lemon lavender tea. And I want to make my own blends eventually.
  • What is your favourite perfume/cologne? Perfume. I have a bit of sensitive nose so I am generally very choosey and try to keep it light. In Spring and Summer, I like French Lavender and Honey body spray or Japanese Cherry Blossom from Bath and Body works. In Fall and Winter, I like their Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin. Bath and Body works recently came out with a Lavender Sandalwood that I love! I also enjoy patchouli oil but a sparingly.
  • Do you have a celebrity crush? Takashi Kaneshiro, Chris Pine, Chris Evans, Tilda Swinton, Eva Green, and Ziyi Zhang. For voices, Ville Valo, Gackt, Travis Willingham- you know what there are too many for me to list there.
  • If you could change your name to a stereotypical 90s/2000s gothy name, what would it be? Um Luna? I don’t know.
  •  What are your top three tips for surviving hot weather while black clad? Sunscreen, Parasol, and lots of cool water!
  • What song always makes you happy (doesn’t have to be a goth band?) Hmm… There are a lot but the one that leaps instantly to the forefront is The Rage Beat from the Gravitation OST. It makes me happy because I think about the anime.
  •  Are you active in the arts (eg. Play an instrument, paint, write, etc)? I paint, sew, crochet, embroider, sometimes make jewelry, and write. I used to play piano and trumpet but the batteries in the keyboard corroded (I’m not entirely sure how to go about fixing that) and I had to sell my trumpet for gas money so I could get to my college classes. Thankfully, Amanda found a cornet at a garage sale and as soon as we get it from my parent’s basement, I can play again. We are also going to get an actual piano from craig’s list when we get a house… if we have room for one. Oh and I am going to learn to play the Erhu, a Chinese two stringed violin- just as soon as I learn their musical notation, lol. I found a book in English recently, so yay!
  • What is your number one non-gothy hobby? Watching anime?

Thought Provokers:
  • If you could be a supernatural creature, what would it be and why? There are a few. Vampire, because I have been in love with them since I was very young and enjoy reading books, watching movies, and writing stories about them. Dragon, for pretty much the same and while I know Smaug was technically a bad guy in the Hobbit, he was my first Dragon love. Elf, because I freaking love them and yes, its because of the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. (My Dad read the Hobbit to me when I was really little) Kitsune, because Japanese fox spirits are really fascinating. I’ve read some really interesting lore about them and my totem animal is the fox.
  • What horror monster-bases super power would you have? Shape shifting would be fun, teleportation would be handy for when I want to go visit family, but mind control would be great. I could make people smack themselves for being stupid and I don’t think it would ever get old.  
  • Do you feel confident or comfortable interacting with other Goths or gothy people (online or irl)? Why or why not? I don’t feel confident or comfortable interacting with people in general- at least until I get to know them and then there are still those I’m never completely comfortable around.   
  • Is there something you wish there was more of in your subculture? More plus size fashion- like actual, true, plus size fashion and community. I just recently learned there are once a month goth nights at a bar/club downtown. I don’t typically like bars, the drinks are always overpriced, and I’m just going to come out and say it, I get bored. I’m not much of a dancer and I’m often exhausted in rooms full of people. But, I’m going to try and go anyway and maybe do some networking.
  • Care to share an embarrassing story related to your “darkliness”? Just general clumsiness. I tend to look at the ground when I walk to keep from tripping over things so I often get door opened on me or walk into things. I’ve given myself a very mild concussion getting into my Grandpa’s truck. I forgot to duck.
  • How are you at DIY? I’d say, I’m okay at it, as long as I have a clear idea of what I am planning to do. When it comes to cooking, Amanda calls me her McGuiver chef.

Confessional (aka True or False):

  • I love watching cheese romance films. True and False, depends on how cheesy.
  • I ALWAYS remember to wash off my makeup at night. 98% true the other 2% would be if I fell asleep before getting to it.
  • I sleep with plushies. True. I usually have a raccoon or fox plush. The cats also sleep with Amanda and I.
  • I wear non-black pyjamas most nights. True. I have a couple of t-shirts and night gowns I like and they are light colors.
  • I think Andrew Eldrich is overrated. I think the fact that I had to look him up is self-explanatory.
  • I don’t like vampires. So Very False.
  • I don’t like clubs. True, I just talked about that… >.>
  • I don’t enjoy graveyards. False. I’ve been going to them since I was little. My Grandparents took me on Memorial Day to decorate family graves. I loved the headstones and mausoleums and wondering who the people who belonged to them were, what life was like when they lived, and so on. I’ve been to big city graveyards and little, out of the way- in the middle of nowhere Kansas- country graveyards. I like them all.  
  • Blood makes me queasy. Not usually, I mean I’ve seen a lot! But there is one instance when it does, when Amanda gets a bloody nose. For some reason, I get a little sick from that and don’t really know why. Anything else I am fine with.
  • I’d sooner faint than pet a spider. *shudder* Fainting is preferable and I have fainted. I did so in Toy’s R Us during Christmas rush and smacked my head on a checkout counter. It sucked balls!
  • I don’t like haunted houses. Are we talking actual haunted houses or Halloween Haunted Houses? Halloween one are fun, but I always feel rushed through them. Sometimes I just want to stop and look to see how stuff works. Actual haunted houses are okay, depending on the activity.
  • I’ve never read Dracula. False. I’ve listened to an audio version before bed for several nights.
  • I think “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” is a long and boring song. It is long, but I don’t think it’s boring.
I'm going to follow Sarah's lead and tag anyone who follows me who hasn't been tagged and is interested.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Funeral drama and more wedding stuff!

On Wednesday, we drove over to Kellogg Idaho, to attend Amanda's Aunt Nancy's funeral. It was a Catholic funeral and while I have been to more than my fair share of funerals, I've never experienced a Catholic one. I didn't know what to expect but I wasn't expecting that. While it was a nice service, it was rushed. The Priest apparently knew before hand that not a lot of the attendees were of the Catholic persuasion so he was trying to hurry it along. Somehow, I feel that's cheating Aunt Nancy. She was Catholic, she deserves the kind of service she would have wanted. That was my first annoyance. 

My second was that on the way over, Amanda's Mom, in formed us that her Aunt Sandy had heard that we are getting married. Sandy hates gay people. She won't even acknowledge that her own female-to-male- trans Grandson is, in fact, trans, and in a same sex relationship. Well, she apparently spouted that even if we did invite her, she wouldn't go. Amanda's Aunt Lola said "That's fine Sandy, because you're not invited." Which of course pissed Sandy off because she wasn't going to get the opportunity to snub us. So she took it out on us at the funeral. She sat directly behind us and shot us dirty looks. It was so bad, I could feel it. Then, in the dining hall for luncheon, she hurried over to tell us that she was sitting next to Amanda's parents and that we couldn't sit there, as we were pulling out chairs to sit. Amanda and I simply smiled and told her "Okay". Since by that time there weren't any tables left, we found spare chairs and sat down to eat. I told Amanda that she did that on purpose. Amanda agreed. The church staff saw us sitting in a corner, at the back of the room, and found a table for us and Amanda's autistic cousin Amber- who is a sweet and very innocent girl. 

Well, as we were eating lunch with her cousin, one of Amanda's older, adult cousins was standing behind her and just looking at Amanda like she was the most disgusting thing on the planet. No, I am not exaggerating. This man, last I was told, still will not speak to his gay daughter. It is appalling. To make matters worse, he decided to poke at poor Amber. Her mother and Aunt Nancy didn't get along and so Amber's Mom chose to stay home and baby sit for one of Amber's older siblings. Well Amanda;s older male cousin kept asking her where her mom was. Amber got so upset and told him to stop. I have never seen her so upset. He just laughed and walked away. If I had not been at a funeral, I would have ripped him apart, but I have far too much respect for Nancy and for Amanda's Mother to cause more drama than there already had been with Nancy's kids.

Also, while we were at the funeral, two of Amanda's family member decided to take the opportunity to inform us that they WOULD be at our wedding or tell us "I had BETTER be invited".  Excuse me?! We were at a funeral. It wasn't about us, it was about Aunt Nancy. Furthermore, why the hell would we invite people who never speak to us on a normal day, who we barely know, and wouldn't have anything to do with if they weren't family? Amanda and I think they just want to come as spectators, like we are the freaks in a freak show and they want to spread the sensational event as gossip at drunken family events. No thank you! They can just fuck right on off. We don't want and or need that kind of bullshit at something we hold very scared and personal, nor do we need people snicker or bad mouthing it later on. 

Normally this kind of crap wouldn't bother me so much, but the way in which they did this, and that it was at a funeral, really got to me. By the time we left, I felt very alienated. My depression monster took my hand and led me down a dark spiral. It's bad enough that I am a lesbian and that hurts my Grandma. She doesn't know I am Pagan but if she did, it might just kill her because she is so Christian and is terrified that I won't be with her in Heaven someday. She's said as much when I was younger and she was worried about my parents not going to church. Anyway, so I won't be able to share this with her. The only relatives I will have, will be my parents. My cousin Shi-chan can't make it. But what really got me, is that none of my friends have even bothered to say "congrats". I don't need them to come, I know money is tight for nearly everyone, but if I can remember to get on facebook and tell them happy birthday, wouldn't it stand that a little recognition that I'm getting married be a given? Perhaps not. 

There is one friend from my high school days who has contacted me to tell me that she would love to come to my wedding. At first I was excited at the prospect but realized that I wasn't going to have room for her and I wasn't going to ask my friends here to house her. She's a bit strange and recently judgemental. She used to be pagan but became a born again chrisitan. That didn't really bother me until she started talking shit about gay people and their right to get married. She was very against. So when I asked if that meant that I was a bad person and if she didn't like me anymore, she said, "not you, you;re okay." I about flipped my shit. You don't get to pick and choose which gay people get married and which don't or for that matter which gays are okay and which ones aren't. 

Anyway, I spoke to Amanda about her coming and despite all the anti-gay stuff, the uber christian stuff, I still wanted to see my friend. Amanda and I decided that since we don't really have the room for her for the wedding, she could come for a visit after the wedding and that way we could truly hang out. I mean she's the first friend from back home that has actually wanted to come visit me. But when I told my friend that, she replied with "a visit is different from a wedding. I am okay with crashing on sofas or the floor". Are you fucking kidding me? that sounds like she just wants to come see a freak wedding and not actually spend any real time with me and Amanda at all. I'm trying to look at it as she just worded it wrong. She did say that she would have to talk her her husband about it, but honestly at this point, with everything. No, just no. I don't have time for this. 

But that's the negative stuff. The positive is that our friend Rachel came over last night to begin helping me with my bolero jacket for the wedding. We didn't actually get much done, but we did go and exchange the pattern I had for a bigger one and discuss what I wanted. I also bought some fall hand soap from the fabric store. It was on a 5 for $5 deal and I freaking love that stuff! We took Tsuki along because she needed some fabric quarters and some teal embroidery thread. She also wanted to grab some food. 

The other good and positive wedding thing is that Amanda has started the framework for our handfasting ceremony. I haven't really been in the right mid set to help her much, but I saw what she had this morning and I'm starting to get there. I need to write my vows and see if there is anything else I want, like a poem or a reading of some kind, to be read during the ceremony. I am not sure what I want yet. 

Lastly, I have a picture of one of the invitations I made. They aren't spectacular, but we like them. I blurred out some things in the bottom picture, so I'd maintain a bit more privacy. You understand.  


Monday, August 28, 2017

Mild productivity, invitations, wedding stuff, and written role play

As Amanda's and my wedding day looms closer and closer, we're starting to feel the pressure. We've both had a couple of nightmares about things not being done. I still have sewing to do, some addresses to gather so we can finish sending out invitations, and quite a few things left to make. While we'd like to invite everyone we love and adore, because of lack of space to for people to stay and the fact that we are trying to pull this off on a sorely tiny budget (Amanda's income), we have to keep the guest list very small. However, a friend mentioned recording the event, so if that does happen, I will be able to share that video so people who can't attend can still see it. 

Budget and keeping the guest list small aside, we've run into a few minor issues. The first being that we've had a hell of a time finding a cake topper. Being in same sex relationship, we wanted two female figures and we wanted it to be along the Gothic/Fantasy theme. We toyed with getting D&D figures to paint. We tossed around some idea for making them ourselves. And then we stumbled on "Sisters", a figure cast from the picture above, from Selena French. We both really like her art and while purple isn't one of our colors, it is pale enough and runs along our theme enough, that we decided this was our best option. We aren't sisters, obviously, but it doesn't matter. It is two females and we fell in love with it pretty instantly. 

The second was figuring out a guest book. I wanted something unique that we could display. A vlogger I follow on Youtube used a globe of the world. I wanted something that would tie into out theme, and decided why not a skull. Amanda was keen on the idea and so we waited until the Halloween decor came out to begin our search. We found a black polyresin at Michaels and bought silver sharpies for people to sign it with. 

I really wanted to make the invitations myself to keep costs down. But there I ran into another problem. Amanda and I couldn't agree on some mock ups I made on the computer. She wanted something 3-D. So we played with some ideas and finally agreed on one. Unfortunately I don't have one to show at the moment, they are all sealed up. However, I did hand deliver a couple to some very close friends so I will try to get a picture of one of theirs next time I am at their house. I, of course, sent one to my parents, mostly to see if my handmade black envelopes with silver shaprie lettering would go through the mail. It did, so that's a relief.  I've finished making the invites today and am waiting on a couple addresses. As soon as we get more stamps, they will be in the mail.
 We still have much to do, but things are beginning to come together, and while I am having kind of crap day, I'm being mildly productive, so that is something. 

My depression monster is being a rife bitch. I think it's mostly the pain talking today, but I'm also dealing with a lack of self esteem, and some guilt (Amanda says my guilt is as if I'm a Catholic school girl with a Jewish mother. Seriously, I apologize for nearly everything). I was outside earlier this morning, frustrated over physical pain, something I said last night, frustrated that I was frustrated, and half a dozen other things, when the thought "I must have been a real bastard" in a past life hit me. This is not an uncommon thought. Since I seem to keep having this though, I tried to turn it on itself and figure out what lessons I'm being taught by the situations I've had and issues I am facing/dealing with. Humility? I think I'm pretty humble all ready. I thought about a couple of other things that kind of took a negative turn, so I left it for another time. The point was to turn it into a positive. 

I think I have mentioned that Amanda is doing a written role play with me. She's trying to get back into writing and I'm trying to keep writing. It has been a really long time since we have done one together and we missed it, I think. We are keeping it light, semi-fluffy, and keeping it 'no pressure'. We post when we can and want to post, which is really helpful. So far it's been pretty fun. My character is an epileptic, very particular, semi-ocd, introverted college senior and nerd. Her's is a dashing, young, college literary instructor with sad and wounded past. So far so good, we are both really enjoying where the story is going.        

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

The lists, the cats, a tattoo idea, and eclipse.

My Dad used to tell me to "expect the worst and hope for the best". He also used to tell me that "this is as good as it gets, so you got to suck it up and get on with your life". My Dad struggles with depression and anxiety and I doubt it was easy for him to see his daughter going through the same and reporting that it hurt to wear her clothes and that even her hair hurt. We didn't know about fibromyalgia back when I was in high school and it wasn't until my Senior year that I was diagnosed with depression. Dad was working 40-80 hr work weeks, on call, and was worrying over my Mom. It was the sagest advice he could muster. 

Sadly, its all true, except for when I can't get on with my life. The world keeps moving when I fall down and then I'm stuck playing catch up when I can get back on my feet. I hate it. Lately, despite the happy fact that I am getting married, that the drama over whether or not my parents would come is thankfully over, I've hit a wall. The world keeps moving, like it always does, and I'm caught behind a glass wall watching.  I realized sometime last week, as I looked at the state of my house, that I need help pure and simple. Amanda is working overtime, I'm exhausted, hurting, or just don't have the spoons to rev my 'get up and go' engine. I hate that I can't vacuum the living room without hurting myself. I hate that I can't effectively advocate for myself at the doctors office. I hate that I can't be functional enough to go out, get even a part time job so I can help Amanda with the bills and so we have more options in regards to buying a house.  Most of all, I hate how much its eating me up inside, the panic attacks on the bedroom floor, and so on. 

But, the other day, when I was taking an hour- if I am honest it was two- for self care and perusing pinterest, I came across a quote from Jane Austin: I am half agony, half hope. I thought, that's me in a nut shell. I agonize over what I can't do anymore, what I'm not anymore, and hope that I can turn it all around and have better days. I decided that I am getting it tattooed on me somewhere, in the near future with the the semicolon below it, because that too is me. 

On to happier things.

I have a lot to do today. 
1. I have a few errands to run.
2. I need compile the final list of wedding invitations and get them ready to send out. Amanda wants to add a couple more people from work. 
3. I need to take stupid paper work to the apartment management office (the bastards).
4. And I need to clean up my kitchen so I can make dinner tonight.
5. I also need at least a half hour nap because I feel like shit and want to have a tiny energy boost before I head out. 
6. I also need to place an order on amazon for a special sewing ruler.
I took Amanda to work this morning and the two places two places I need to go still aren't open yet. 

This week's list is:
1. Compile a list of what is left to get for the wedding.
2. Clean the bathroom
3. Find a coat hook thing for the wall (I want something specific) and possibly a bench we can sit on to put on shoes and store shoes under that I can actually reach under.
4. Keep editing stories.
5. Keep the cats from breaking any more dishes. 

Speaking of my adorable balls of fur, both of them have been so sweet and cuddly the last couple of days. Narcisa has been playing more, wanting more attention, and has generally been in a better mood. Thorin has always been an attention seeker but lately he's been talking a lot more. Mostly he wants more food in his bowl- despite the fact that he nearly always has some still in it, but sometimes he's just talking to get my attention as if to say "I'm awake now and I'm coming to find you for love and cuddles". This morning I awoke to one of his favorite toys on my pillow. While I was trying to wake Amanda for work, he was playing on my Vanity and discovered the press lights I'd purchased to put around my mirror so I'd have more light for make up. As you can imagine I was a little spooked when I heard a strange clicking noise, saw flashing lights, and me not being completely awake, had a scary notion of ailen abduction for the briefest moment- at least until I realized what was what. 

Thorin is also getting quite resourceful. He still doesn't cover his poop with cat litter yet he knows he needs to cover it. So he has taken to pulling down clean towels or laundry left on the floor, into the cat box. Neither he nor Narcisa soil it, which is a blessing, but still eww. On top of that, he's decided to start pulling tissue or the wrappers from pads from the trash can to cover his ick. I can't really get too upset over it, he is trying, just not the right way. 

Lastly, I hope those who could see the eclipse, got to see it. We were supposed to go over to a friends house to spend the night and see it, but Amanda's Aunt Nancy died this weekend. So, we nixed those plans, because Amanda had to work the day of the eclipse too and we were both too tired to drive that far. Well, Sunday a friend here in town invited me over to watch it with them, and well, I thought okay, it's not that far, and I could go home when I needed too. 

It was a nice quiet, viewing affair. I was so tired that I didn't have my usual nerdy gusto for things space related, plus prior to the eclipse the sun was bright and brutal on my eyes, lol. But I still enjoyed it. I am sad to say that once we were inside the house, I crashed hard on my friend's sofa. I woke up for a little bit and then crashed out again. Apparently, they tried to wake me to see if I would take one of them to the store and found the not-awake-conversation with me hilarious. I don't remember the conversation. Anyway, because it was also a new moon that night, one of our friends wanted to do a fertility ritual. She's trying to have a baby. Amanda and I helped with the spell and headed home because we were both exhausted. However, I did make a spell candle, funnel some intent and energy into it, and have been lighting it off and on for them to help. No, I don't think it is overkill. I think anything and everything that can help will help.