Wednesday, August 28, 2013


I had very strange and crazy dreams last night but I'm not going to go into that. No, today I'm keeping it short.

I awoke to face nuzzles from Yoda-chan and it was so nice and sweet I almost didn't get out of bed but you know the urge to pee is strong. As I headed out of the room Yoda started mewing and followed me. The brat wasn't nuzzling me because he loves me. He was nuzzling me to wake me up so I would get out of bed and clean the cat puke out of his food dish. I mean the nuzzles could have been partly out of love but really, he was just hungry.

Last night I had to fight him for my dinner. This morning he was after my cereal even though I have told him over and over that the milk is't really good for him.

Aside from that I hurt and today is going to be a very slow moving day. *sigh*

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Something fun came in the mail today!

Today as I was getting ready to take Skoora to work and get myself out of the dourness of the house, the mail woman came and dropped off some packages. One was the filters for the cat's water dish. Another were some small Christmas/Yule presents Skoora ordered for friends. But the last was the Lindsey Sterling CD! I can't tell you how excited I am to have it, finally! I've listened to most of it on Youtube but we finally have the CD and I won't have to listen to the incessant ads on Youtube that jar me when I'm in a decent writing rhythm. Don't get me wrong, I love Youtube, but there are days the ads just really get me.

I'm back at the library for the moment. I wanted to get a few things started for the day since I am feeling a tiny tiny bit better. I will probably head home in a few minutes. It's getting to be lunch time and I need to find a more comfortable place to write today, more comfortable for my back that is. It was pretty bad last night. I couldn't sleep for anything, couldn't find a comfortable position to lay, and worse, I was sweating. We had the window open with a fan pulling in the 63 degree F air and another fan pointed at me and both were set to medium. I ended up sitting on the sofa with the air conditioner on completely ready to just see how much writing I could get accomplished. But writing didn't happen because it was then that I cooled off and the pain had lessened enough that I could finally sleep.

The last couple of days have been full of sleep and we can blame the medicine for that. I've been rather pissed and sad due to that but there wasn't and isn't much I can do about it. If I can't stay awake, then I can't write and frankly, with as bad as it's been I'll take the sleep. Seems like blasphemy to say such a thing. Oh well. I am going to let of all the angst over that... You know what else I let go of while out of commission due to pain?  My eyebrows. HOLY SHIT! I'm going to have spend some serious tweezing time to get them back under control. Not really, I'm kidding, they aren't that bad but I do need to spend some time cleaning them and my finger nails up. And if I am feeling really rowdy I might even put on some makeup. GASP!  Probably not, I think if I can just get my eyebrows plucked today that will be good enough for me. I'm not feeling THAT much better.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The last couple of days: good things and bad things

The last couple of days have not been easy. My hormones have been in flux due to the menorrhagia. All my other chronic pain compacted it and apparently my shin splints have decided to flare up again as well. It's strange, I thought I was finally over that little problem.

While trying to contain and cope with all of that my patience level dropped, my tolerance level dropped, and I've been snappish in situations that I would normally never ever take an issue with. I also haven't handled distraction well or noise I can't control on my own. Over the weekend I've had several more panic attacks. I thought that if I just read one of the books that are close to being due at the library that I would calm the hell down.

It worked for a little bit and I really am enjoying the Vampire Academy novels. The pacing is good, the characters are interesting, and once I pick up a book, I can't really seem to put it down. Shadow Kiss is the 3rd in the Vampire Academy series and it was really good but it made me sob. Something happens to my favorite character. I won't say who or what because I don't dare spoil it for those who haven't read it. Needless to say I've been bothered and upset over it for the last two days. I cant decide if I need to take a break from finishing the rest of the series or run to the library and grab the last three and just read for the next couple of days. An awesome side note, there is going to be a Vampire Academy movie coming out in 2014 and it look really good! Oh and by the way, this story is a hundred times better than Twilight!

Another reason I am wondering if I should take a short break in reading the rest of that series is because I have been writing. As in I have been working on one of my novels again and not just working and tweaking things here and there. I mean actually doing a rewrite, spent most of the day yesterday and got over 10 (single spaced) pages written, kind of writing. I haven't really been able to do that in a long time. It feels so good and I am actually excited with what's coming out on the pages.

There has been some family drama back home. My cousin Tony is as drunk as ever and crashed his bicycle over the weekend. He managed to get one of the handle bars in his lower stomach and had to have surgery. My only hope is that he will finally be put in jail. There is more to all of this, things he's done in the past, he tried to kill both his sisters, and he refuses to quit drinking. His mother couldn't be out done and had to have some attention herself and in doing so humiliated her daughter and physically hurt my father who was trying to get her into her house. It's pretty bad. My Mom is furious. My Dad's back and knees are hurt pretty bad and he was sp pissed he wanted to just slap the shit out of my Aunt. Everyone feels bad for my aunt's daughters who have to live with her at the moment.

I have decided that when I move home Tony, if he isn't in jail, isn't allowed inside my house if he isn't sober and seeking counseling for anger and addition. My aunt is not allowed at my house if she is going to harass me, either of my parents if they are there, or my cousins. I will not put up with her coming over and screaming at people or running them into the ground. I want my home to be a place of calm, of escape, of no violence, verbal, emotional, or mental abuse. If family and friends can't follow those rules, then they aren't welcome.

Another good thing, my Grandma Evelyn sent me a cat toy for my cats. They love it! And you know your Grandma loves you when she sends presents for your cats to cheer you up. I swear, I got so lucky having the Grandparents I have and even the parents I have. Even with all the issues Mom and I had when I was a late teen. And despite all the crap family members I have, I've got some really great ones! That includes friends, after awhile some of my friends have become family too. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Dump time

Isn't it strange how it seems like a lot has happened only it really hasn't? Or vice versa?

I've not really had a good last couple of weeks health wise and so it has taken it's toll on me mentally and emotionally. Today I broke a little and had one of the worst panic attacks I've had in awhile. I've had one just about every day for the last couple of weeks, sometimes even more than one in a day, but today was by far the most intense. Skoora and her Mom had to help calm me down and I feel so awful that they had to see it. I don't like worrying people. But at the same time I was really glad that they were there. Had I been alone, I don't know how long it would have gone on. I am very exhausted now and could probably use a nap.

Panic and pain aside, I've been trying to make the best of things and try to keep moving. We had Skoora's little cousins over yesterday to watch Monster High and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. We showed the girls our dolls and our ponies and let them play. All three of them really enjoyed their time with us and want to come back, which is really nice because they are so fun.

Yoda-Chan has been rather clingy as of late. He seems to want to be everywhere I am and sometimes he insists on being on my lap or in my arms. I don't think he feels very well and I'm going to have to give him a bath again. He's managed to get his feet yucky again with cat litter. Galen has been a bit clingy too. At least in that he seems to nearly always be in the same room with me and even comes up and asks to be petted.

My Dad and I were talking sometime ago about what game we want to play next since it seems like everyone is moving over to Guild Wars 2 and most of the people in our Alliance don't want to switch anymore than we do. And because less people are playing the first set of Guild Wars games, our Alliance Leader seems to think that after a couple of years, they will shut down the servers. There is talk about us all moving over to Elder Scrolls when it comes out. That sounds like a plan to me. But I have been looking at the NCSoft website the last couple of years, checking out what other games they have, and I saw that Aion is completely free to play. So I downloaded it to try it out. So far, I am a level two mage and like it well enough. I also started a Technist character and a Priest character.

I haven't done a lot of writing. I've had a lot of trouble focusing and have been so depressed. But I can't keep letting the pain, depression, and anxiety get in the way of something that used to make me feel so... so, well, when I would get into the zone, I left me and everything else behind. It felt good. There was always something calming about my fingers taping over the keys and at some point I stopped seeing words on the screen and saw other places. I think, if I had someone to discuss and go over my stuff with it might encourage me to write more often and get me back to where I could just sit down at the computer and go at it. But I've not wanted to bother anyone with it which kind of goes back to one of the reasons I get depressed. The little things and the big things kind pile up and press on me until I can't breathe.

You know, sometimes I just wish I could have a mental or nervous breakdown. Then, maybe I could let go and get everything out of my system and start healing, get back to being the person I used to be. Stronger, more assertive, and less likely to take any shit from anyone.