Wednesday, November 14, 2012

No warning title.

I have decided that I really loathe the show chopped on the food channel.  I'm just so sick of watching it, of listening to the judges, and well all of it. And for some reason Skoora's mother just loves all the competition reality TV shows. That aside, I really wish the TV could be turned off once and in a while, for more than two minutes. I mean really, you couldn't find anything on two minutes ago, what's changed now? And for the love of the Gods, watch the TV or shut up! It's hard to handle one conversation while the TV is going much less two. More importantly can't you see that I am trying to do something. Hint, if my fingers are moving over the keys, I'm busy.

Apparently our neighbors, the ones above us, have completely ignored the letter sent out by management about noise after 10 pm. They had people over and have been stomping since 10 pm.

Things have not been going very well for me lately. My back has been really bad the last three weeks and the most comfortable place for me to sit, where I have the least amount of pain, where I can semi have a rational coherent thought is in the living room. The TV, the constant conversations, the noise from upstairs, none of that would bother me so damned much if I wasn't in pain. Also, if I didn't feel utterly overloaded. This is the part that I've been trying really hard to assuage per se.

I used to work (and or go to school), clean, do laundry, cook, run errands (sometimes for multiple people), have a little of a social life, read, and write every day and did so for several years. I was the person people went to when they needed help. I had focus, drive, and even though I suffered from depression and anxiety, I could get up the next day and do it all over again. Dare I say it I had hope as well.

Some things happened over a year ago that really screwed with me mentally and about that time my back got really bad and hasn't gotten better since. Needless to say I fell like both are and have destroyed me. I literally have to give myself a laundry list, one I keep full, to get out of bed in the morning. I cling to the little things I can do, when I am able to do them, just because they make me feel like I have some semblance of purpose.  I am unable to support myself financially, which is difficult enough. Having to have my girlfriend come in to help me take a shower, to help me get dressed, and use the bathroom is devastating and it's taking it's toll especially during NaNoWriMo month.

I have been having so much trouble trying to focus on writing, on writing much of anything really. Even e-mails have been difficult. It doesn't seem to matter what time of day I try to sit down and write, I just don't seem to be able to do much. I am so behind on the word count target it's not even funny. Sure there is time left in the month but I'm scared that I won't make it. Most people would say it's no big deal but to me it really is. I do not have much to be proud of and NaNoWriMo, completing it and being a winner is one of the only things I do have. And I feel like the ability of finishing this year is being stolen from me.

So because I can't really focus on writing and being upset about it, I haven't really done a lot of things that I would like to do which only drives me nuts. I have things that I need to get done, just small things and nothing out of the ordinary. One of my friends said that I should give myself a break. I wish I could but I really can't. I have to do things, I have to keep going, even if like most days, I am so exhausted at the end of the day that I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm not going to school, I am unable to work, if I don't feel like I am contributing in some way, and keeping myself busy so I don't go nuts in the mean time, then the depression is so much worse.

And lastly, I am so lonely. The people I am most comfortable with, aside from Skoora who I feel terrible for venting to a lot, are the furthest away. 

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Being Thankful, not just for November.

No, this is not one of my kitties, but I am hoping to feel well enough to set something like this up to do Fall pictures with my furry friends simply because I seem to only get them when they are being lazy. See Exhibit A below. 

But I'm not really writing about kitties today. No, in fact, I am writing about the latest surge of "I'm thankful for" on facebook. Granted I agree that it's good not only on a personal stance but also to tell others what you are thankful for but why only do it in the month of November? Shouldn't we be thankful for things, people, and events all the time? I know I'm not the poster child for voicing who and what I am thankful for but believe it or not there is a good deal I am thankful for. I just don't go around spouting it all the time. I show it in other ways, in my own quiet way. Not that sharing what you are thankful for is wrong or that you shouldn't do it, I just think that only doing it one month out of the year somehow lessens the value of it. If you don't agree, that's completely fine.

Exhibit A- Yoda-Chan sleeping
One thing I am not thankful for is the fact that my Mom-in-law and Dad-in-law just came home dispelling the peace and quiet I had. I got the whole run down of the day, what they bought, and now she's chattering at someone on the phone right next to me and I'm not able to really move to the other room. *sigh* On the upside, I'm happy I was able to take a shower on my own today. I know that seems so trivial but damn it, when you can barely walk from terrible back pain, being able to do things for yourself is such a blessing! 

Thanksgiving and Christmas...

Thanksgiving, I've noticed, has been getting looked over more and more over the years. It's like all the meaning has been sucked out and replaced with nothing more than a day to gorge ourselves with food. There are hardly any decorations in the stores anymore.

My family always gets together at Grandma's house for Thanksgiving. Grandma makes mashed potatoes, turkey, grave, cranberries, stuffing, mandarin orange jello, stuffing, apple and pumpkin pie, a relish tray, and homemade bread. We also like to bring cookies or other odds and ends to help complete the dinner.

We also sit around the table and visit, catch up on each other's lives (on half of the family lives in another state). After dinner we sit around and talk until we decide it's time to go home and that's the end of Thanksgiving for us. It's not much and we don't sit around talking about what we are thankful for because we do that throughout the year on our own, in our own way. Thanksgiving for my family is about just that, family.

Now on to Christmas. I know that for a lot of people Christmas is their favorite time of year. That's fine but damn it, could we keep the decorations out of the store until after Halloween? It's like Christmas is trying to take over everything. Christmas is nice and another family oriented holiday for my family, but it seems that for a lot of people its not exactly a holiday of giving but rather of sales, shopping, and receiving. It's also a pissing contest for some to see who got who a better, more expensive or expensive looking gift. Now that's just silly, it's not about how much you spend, it's the thought. And it's certainly not about proving to your friends and family that you have more money than they do in an attempt to show them up or make them feel like shit. (This is something that also occurs in my family, which is why I hate it so much.)

For my part, I try to find things for friends and family that are useful, practical, and still fun and very much 'them'. But it's kind of hard when you don't have a lot of money. So my solution to that is to make people gifts using the skills I've learned over the years. I can paint someone a nice picture, sew a quilt for someone and customize it with embroidery, or make something yummy for them to eat, and all of it I can do at home and save some money. Sure I have to go out and get the things I need but I avoid the Christmas rush, avoid all the stress from shopping, and most of my friends and family really appreciate what I make for them. Besides, sometimes gifts are better homemade.

I am also going to make some decorations for the house instead of buying a bunch of stuff. 

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

NaNoWriMo time again!

It's National Novel Writer's Month again. I've had a very slow start. I wanted to finish in ten days or less but it doesn't look like I am going to make that this year. Frankly I would be happy just to finish at all at this point. My back is giving me hell which in turn makes it hard to focus. However, I am trying and I will finish!

My project for this year is to work on a novel I previously wrote but never finished. I've decided to remove an element and play up others. I haven't looked at my previous draft and I don't think I am going too. I would really like to somewhat start fresh. The plan is to begin at the beginning and see where it takes me. I'll remember the good stuff and add it in like I remember it and hopefully make it better. Oh and the book is about vampires and no I am not going to go into the details. I do hope to publish this book so no peeking for you.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Two Halloween Parties

This year we had two Halloween parties. Both were really nice, fun, and a little similar.

The first was two weeks ago. Our plan was to have three of Skoora's cousins come over for pumpkin carving, treats, movies, and a ride out to the little wooded area near our apartment to tell ghost stories. Because one of Skoora's aunts was in the hospital and she was touch and go, we ended up having four extra guests, which was perfectly fine, the more the merrier. 

Our evening began with pumpkin carving, music from Nox Arcana, and lots of stories and laughs. After the pumpkin carving contest we played a short game and handed out prizes for the winners. I took Skoora and one of her cousins out to set up our little place in the woods and came back alone to pick up our 'victims'. Bascially we had our family/friends wear pillow cases over their heads in the jeep and I drove around in circles and through the neighborhood for a little bit then hit the dirt-pothole-filled-road to the wooded area. I made sure to hit every pothole, drove through the woods once and then stopped at the site. 

All of our guests clamored out of the car and some were worried that there were bears or other such creatures to look out for. I thought that was cute but was glad to know they were mindful of nature, not that they needed to be in the middle of town so much. We told ghost stories, personal paranormal experiences, and then some got to talking about slender man. 

Half the group decided to walk home while the other half road with me in the jeep. Apparently one of the guys asked as they were walking, "The apartments are just over there aren't then?" Skoora told him to shut up but it was true, they were in fact, very close to our home. Heh heh heh. 

When we all returned to the house, we set up Skoora's computer and hooked it up to the TV via HDMI cable and played Slender Man. It was fun and I managed to get a couple of the notes and last the longest without meeting the Slender Man before I decided that running in circles was too annoying and ran straight for him. Then we took some of our guests home and watched Youtube videos for the rest of the evening with those who stayed. It was a really fun night and I got the opportunity to get better acquainted with some of Skoora's cousins. 

Our second party, last weekend, involved two of Skoora's much younger cousins who we were baby sitting for the night. As you might have guessed, Skoora has a very large family. Anyway, we watched some movies with the kids and took them out sans the pillow cases to the wooded area. I took the direct route. We piled out of the car and I told them a small, kid appropriate ghost story. Skoora snuck up on us and jumped out to scare the kids. It was good fun and after which we went back to the house to watch more movies. The next morning we carved a pumpkin. The little girl is quite bossy and thinks she is a princess. She even told me to shut up when we were watching a movie even though I wasn't talking. Okay, she's bossy, rude, and self-important, and I don't think I like her very much because she is in your face ha'f the time. I told her that she was being bad and rude and bad, little girls get grounded. She seemed to think it was funny. I am so glad I am not her mother and won't have to deal with her on a daily basis while she's growing up.  

Monday, November 5, 2012

Anniversary and Greenbluff

Copyright Hannah Richardson
This is a very late blog posting for this subject, but what can I say? I got super busy and am just now getting the time to write about it.

This year Skoora and I celebrated 5 years of being together. We started out by going to her cousin's 25th wedding anniversary party then picked up a friend of ours. When we got home we had cake and if I remember correctly we watch a movie and talked before heading to bed early in preparation for the next day.

The next morning we awoke, got ready to go, and headed over to Washington to Greenbluff. Greenbluff is a collection of farms who are open to the public and they sell their produce and wares. It's so much fun! I only wish we had made it over sooner and that my back could have cooperated a little better. However we managed to get some awesome pictures. All photos are Copyrighted to Amanda LaFantasie and Hannah Richardson.

This Dog posed for me!

Learning about auras.

A few years back I thought I saw something around a friend's head. It was an Orange-ish in color and faint but it was there. When I asked said friend about it he and his wife were pretty sure I was seeing his aura. I've never seen it again on him or anyone else. But I have been curious about aura's ever since. So I recently picked up a book from my local library called Life Colors: What the Colors In Your Aura Reveal, by Pamala Oslie. So far I've only taken the quiz in the front of the book to figure out my life color(s) and the occupation color, and I've read the information on those colors.

For sure I am a Sensitive Tan/Blue with a Red Overlay. The Red Overlay is not the same as a Red Aura color and I need to work on shedding it. Apparently it's not good for me and can have bad effects later in life.

I am a little confused about the occupation color. I will go over the information on occupation colors again and see if what I think is correct. Indigo was the color by the by. Indigo was the color and no I didn't pick it by color. The colors are listed under a number and you pick which number fits you best. The reason I am a little confused is because Indigo's are kind of a new color that's emerging and they are kind of special, I mean all the colors are and everyone is in their own unique way, but I got the feeling that Indigo's were meant for something much higher. I have no delusions of grandeur  I don't remember my past lives nor half of the other stuff Indigo's are supposed to 'know'.

A theory or a few?  Maybe I was jaded too young or something happened and don't remember what I am supposed to know. Maybe it was too much for me at a tender age and I shut it out? Maybe I picked the wrong number but maybe not, everything under that number was something I do or would enjoy so much.

As for the rest of it, I haven't yet read about the other aura colors and I don't yet know how to train myself to see them. Do I want too? Absolutely, I think it would be really neat and helpful to me on a personal level, as perhaps a personal warning of what to expect out of people I meet. I often get overwhelmed by certain people, those with high energy. High energy people, there are several that I adore and care very much about, often times exhaust me. They don't mean too, it's not their fault, it just happens.

I will probably look for more books on the subject and see what I can learn about teaching myself to read auras and learn more about them.   

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Halloween Night

Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year and one of the oldest in history. I was not created by the candy companies as Max Dennison from Hocus Pocus would like to believe. In fact it has pagan roots. It began as a night to celebrate the passing of summer into winter and as a night to honor those who have passed on. We have the Christians to thank for trying to make it into something wicked and evil. No, really, we do. But we won't get into that except to say that no matter how hard the Christians tried to bastardize and do away with anything pagan, including Halloween, they did not succeed.

Skoora and I spent the first part of our Halloween evening setting up the stairwell in front of our front door and awaiting the little Trick or Treaters. We waited an hour or so before we finally had two. Unfortunately we made one of them cry from the creepy Nox Arcana music. We waited a little while longer before tearing down our decorations. Skoora was pretty upset about not having kids come by, she really wanted to give out candy and just experience the fun of the holiday. 

We decided then to go out and tried to find a free haunted house here in town but were unable too. Also, there were a bunch of teens in dark costumes darting this way and that and we almost hit one so we abandoned our search, mostly to get away from unmindful kids. So we decided to check out the haunted house run by the town's Lion's club. It was a really neat little haunted house and I enjoyed it despite the migraine and the small bouts of claustrophobia I experienced when passageways became really narrow. 

After we finished at the haunted house we went in search of a liquor store. We wanted to get a little something, not so much to get drunk just have a drink, and watch a movie. All the liquor stores were closed so we came home and played on our computers, watched a movie and went to bed. It was a really nice evening and I wish we could have more like that. 

Saturday, November 3, 2012

I can't do this anymore. *edited*

My back is really bad today, bad enough that I thought about having Skoora take me to the hospital, bad enough that I want to puke. But I am not going to the hospital (because hey, I can't afford it anyway) instead I am wrapped in a blanket on the sofa trying to keep from crying. Crying won't do me any good. I don't think I will be cooking today as I'd planned and I don't think I am going to get to my NaNoWriMo goal. In fact, today I feel as if my life is really over, that it won't get better, and that I should just stop exhausting myself by pretending everything is alright and putting on a good face for everyone else. I'm done. I'm not going to talk to any one about it any more and I don't think I need to bother anyone else with it, so no visiting anyone else either. I am so tired of people having to accommodate me because of this bullshit. I can't pull my weight or contribute therefore I am a waste of space and air. I cannot apologize enough to friends and family for all the crap I've made them deal with.


Earlier I was in so much pain I just wanted to die, yes, I said die. I ended up in bed for awhile and Skoora found some medicine for me, the last of it, and I ended up sleeping all evening. That doesn't make me happy, but it was the first sleep I've had that didn't involve a terrible nightmare. That's a really good thing!

I feel much better, still hurt, and I am still depressed, but I'm better now that I can think without overwhelming pain and I don't want to die. The only down side is, I wish I didn't have to take so much medicine, it can't be good for me. I'm kind of worried about the long term effects.