Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Hopes for more regular updates, Cat pictures, and holiday events

Today I wasn't feeling very well so I did a search of cute cat pictures on Google and stumbled on a site that featured a story of Misao and her cat, Fukumura. It's actually a really good article and has links to the photographer's site, who just so happens to be her Granddaughter. I found the granddaughter's book on amazon and it's nestled in my wish list.

As I said over on my craft and culinary blog, we have been busy and with that, I've been a little too tired to really write and post any blogs. I am hoping to get back to more frequent postings now that things are starting to settle down a bit. We will have lots of company during the upcoming holiday weeks. We are expected to have Kitty Kat, her brother (for a night and a day), and The Dot. Doesn't seem like much but when you've already got four people in a small apartment and add more, it's a bit tight. We'll be fine though.

Well, I have a couple of other blogs to finish for the Detangled Writer's site.  

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Middle of the night ramblings

A lot has happened in the near month since I have last posted. I have been caught up in a whirlwind of life and things to do and events and getting ready for the upcoming holidays.

My back has been an issue as always. I've had ups and downs with it and some days have been better than others. I've done my best to push through the pain and stay positive. There has been a lot of emotional stress not only with myself but in things outside my own personal struggles. My Grandmother broke her leg and she and my Grandpa have recently left the nursing home they were staying in while Grandma was recovering. They are home now and trying to get things back to normal with the help of my parents. Grandma recently celebrated her 85th birthday. For my part, being so far away, I can only talk to them over the phone and thanks to my Dad, I've been able to video chat with them over the computer. He sets it up for them and it's very nice to not only hear them but see them.

My Christmas present from my parents this year was an eye exam and a new pair of glasses. Hooray for being able to see without squinting! At first I wasn't sure if I liked the frames I picked out but now I really do think I like them. I simply had to get used to them. And with that I feel exceptionally spoiled. Skoora's parents gave me the money to order two pairs of jeans. They are on back order and won't be in until February but that suits me just fine. The two pairs I have can hold out until then especially since I wear my clothes until they give out completely. Also, I have friends who are spoiling me by sending/ giving gifts. Sometimes I feel out of place knowing I am getting things. It seems so strange in a way I can't really explain. I am so used to trying to make others happy or make sure everyone else has gifts during the Christmas season that I don't really stop to think that others are trying to do the same for me. Then again, and don't think that I am or have been ungrateful or that there will ever be a time where I am not grateful or very appreciative of what others do for me, but I have never really taken gifts or compliments very well. It's like I don't know what to do with myself or something. I am always so thrilled, excited, and tickled but feel like I need to do more to repay all the nice things that I sometimes forget to say thank you or stumble all over myself saying it too much. Or maybe I just express myself awkwardly.

That said, I think I startled Skoora a little when we took two ornaments off the giving tree at Wal-mart. The little girl we choose really likes Monster High. Skoora and I had picked up Monster High dolls on Black Friday for each other and since we really don't have a lot of money ourselves, I unwrapped mine and put it in the gift bag for the girl. I don't think that's really all that extraordinary considering that I know Skoora is getting me another of the Monster High dolls that I like. It kind of reminded me of when I was little and I gave the Ewok toy my parents had gotten me to the Goodwill so someone else could play with it. It's not exactly the same thing and really a 28 year old probably shouldn't be playing with dolls anyway, it's not a necessity or even practical but it is a fun thing.

I don't know maybe I am just worried about collecting too many thing that I don't have places for at the moment, things I may have to put in the garage until Skoora and I have a place of our own. I dream about a place of more permanency, literally. I want it so much and even have ideas of how I want each room to look, themes and furniture. I've made plans for plans and some how that seems a little excessive.   

I'm not sure I am making much sense. It is after 5 in the morning and I can't sleep but I am really tired. With all of that, I have been feeling kind of odd lately. I don't know whether it is the depression playing around with me or what exactly but I've been feeling kind of off about Christmas. Of course there is a lot I am dealing with as far as the holiday season goes. We have been going going going since when I can't really remember. Skoora's Mom is going to Kansas and she left me in charge of Christmas but can't seem to make up her mind about how we should handle which presents to open and when. We have every weekend filled with something. We've been scrambling around trying to get all the presents complied, made, and ordered and wrapped to be sent. I've been wrapping presents here and there. I finally finished the quilt for my Grandparents and had to have help toward the end. And I am trying to scratch out some alone time with Skoora before she leaves for her first residency at the beginning of January. There has been lots of worry on my end with all of it and I have been so tired. I've felt more drained and worn out than ever before. The back pain doesn't help but I've done all I can do to make that tolerable.

The good news is that I have probably annoyed half the librarians in the area with the amount of books I've placed holds on. I'm doing a ton of research on the Victorian period and have even tried playing with hair styles.

Okay I think that's enough for now. It's 6 am and I am finally sleepy enough to try and sleep so I think I will. 

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

No warning title.

I have decided that I really loathe the show chopped on the food channel.  I'm just so sick of watching it, of listening to the judges, and well all of it. And for some reason Skoora's mother just loves all the competition reality TV shows. That aside, I really wish the TV could be turned off once and in a while, for more than two minutes. I mean really, you couldn't find anything on two minutes ago, what's changed now? And for the love of the Gods, watch the TV or shut up! It's hard to handle one conversation while the TV is going much less two. More importantly can't you see that I am trying to do something. Hint, if my fingers are moving over the keys, I'm busy.

Apparently our neighbors, the ones above us, have completely ignored the letter sent out by management about noise after 10 pm. They had people over and have been stomping since 10 pm.

Things have not been going very well for me lately. My back has been really bad the last three weeks and the most comfortable place for me to sit, where I have the least amount of pain, where I can semi have a rational coherent thought is in the living room. The TV, the constant conversations, the noise from upstairs, none of that would bother me so damned much if I wasn't in pain. Also, if I didn't feel utterly overloaded. This is the part that I've been trying really hard to assuage per se.

I used to work (and or go to school), clean, do laundry, cook, run errands (sometimes for multiple people), have a little of a social life, read, and write every day and did so for several years. I was the person people went to when they needed help. I had focus, drive, and even though I suffered from depression and anxiety, I could get up the next day and do it all over again. Dare I say it I had hope as well.

Some things happened over a year ago that really screwed with me mentally and about that time my back got really bad and hasn't gotten better since. Needless to say I fell like both are and have destroyed me. I literally have to give myself a laundry list, one I keep full, to get out of bed in the morning. I cling to the little things I can do, when I am able to do them, just because they make me feel like I have some semblance of purpose.  I am unable to support myself financially, which is difficult enough. Having to have my girlfriend come in to help me take a shower, to help me get dressed, and use the bathroom is devastating and it's taking it's toll especially during NaNoWriMo month.

I have been having so much trouble trying to focus on writing, on writing much of anything really. Even e-mails have been difficult. It doesn't seem to matter what time of day I try to sit down and write, I just don't seem to be able to do much. I am so behind on the word count target it's not even funny. Sure there is time left in the month but I'm scared that I won't make it. Most people would say it's no big deal but to me it really is. I do not have much to be proud of and NaNoWriMo, completing it and being a winner is one of the only things I do have. And I feel like the ability of finishing this year is being stolen from me.

So because I can't really focus on writing and being upset about it, I haven't really done a lot of things that I would like to do which only drives me nuts. I have things that I need to get done, just small things and nothing out of the ordinary. One of my friends said that I should give myself a break. I wish I could but I really can't. I have to do things, I have to keep going, even if like most days, I am so exhausted at the end of the day that I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm not going to school, I am unable to work, if I don't feel like I am contributing in some way, and keeping myself busy so I don't go nuts in the mean time, then the depression is so much worse.

And lastly, I am so lonely. The people I am most comfortable with, aside from Skoora who I feel terrible for venting to a lot, are the furthest away. 

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Being Thankful, not just for November.

No, this is not one of my kitties, but I am hoping to feel well enough to set something like this up to do Fall pictures with my furry friends simply because I seem to only get them when they are being lazy. See Exhibit A below. 

But I'm not really writing about kitties today. No, in fact, I am writing about the latest surge of "I'm thankful for" on facebook. Granted I agree that it's good not only on a personal stance but also to tell others what you are thankful for but why only do it in the month of November? Shouldn't we be thankful for things, people, and events all the time? I know I'm not the poster child for voicing who and what I am thankful for but believe it or not there is a good deal I am thankful for. I just don't go around spouting it all the time. I show it in other ways, in my own quiet way. Not that sharing what you are thankful for is wrong or that you shouldn't do it, I just think that only doing it one month out of the year somehow lessens the value of it. If you don't agree, that's completely fine.

Exhibit A- Yoda-Chan sleeping
One thing I am not thankful for is the fact that my Mom-in-law and Dad-in-law just came home dispelling the peace and quiet I had. I got the whole run down of the day, what they bought, and now she's chattering at someone on the phone right next to me and I'm not able to really move to the other room. *sigh* On the upside, I'm happy I was able to take a shower on my own today. I know that seems so trivial but damn it, when you can barely walk from terrible back pain, being able to do things for yourself is such a blessing! 

Thanksgiving and Christmas...

Thanksgiving, I've noticed, has been getting looked over more and more over the years. It's like all the meaning has been sucked out and replaced with nothing more than a day to gorge ourselves with food. There are hardly any decorations in the stores anymore.

My family always gets together at Grandma's house for Thanksgiving. Grandma makes mashed potatoes, turkey, grave, cranberries, stuffing, mandarin orange jello, stuffing, apple and pumpkin pie, a relish tray, and homemade bread. We also like to bring cookies or other odds and ends to help complete the dinner.

We also sit around the table and visit, catch up on each other's lives (on half of the family lives in another state). After dinner we sit around and talk until we decide it's time to go home and that's the end of Thanksgiving for us. It's not much and we don't sit around talking about what we are thankful for because we do that throughout the year on our own, in our own way. Thanksgiving for my family is about just that, family.

Now on to Christmas. I know that for a lot of people Christmas is their favorite time of year. That's fine but damn it, could we keep the decorations out of the store until after Halloween? It's like Christmas is trying to take over everything. Christmas is nice and another family oriented holiday for my family, but it seems that for a lot of people its not exactly a holiday of giving but rather of sales, shopping, and receiving. It's also a pissing contest for some to see who got who a better, more expensive or expensive looking gift. Now that's just silly, it's not about how much you spend, it's the thought. And it's certainly not about proving to your friends and family that you have more money than they do in an attempt to show them up or make them feel like shit. (This is something that also occurs in my family, which is why I hate it so much.)

For my part, I try to find things for friends and family that are useful, practical, and still fun and very much 'them'. But it's kind of hard when you don't have a lot of money. So my solution to that is to make people gifts using the skills I've learned over the years. I can paint someone a nice picture, sew a quilt for someone and customize it with embroidery, or make something yummy for them to eat, and all of it I can do at home and save some money. Sure I have to go out and get the things I need but I avoid the Christmas rush, avoid all the stress from shopping, and most of my friends and family really appreciate what I make for them. Besides, sometimes gifts are better homemade.

I am also going to make some decorations for the house instead of buying a bunch of stuff. 

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

NaNoWriMo time again!

It's National Novel Writer's Month again. I've had a very slow start. I wanted to finish in ten days or less but it doesn't look like I am going to make that this year. Frankly I would be happy just to finish at all at this point. My back is giving me hell which in turn makes it hard to focus. However, I am trying and I will finish!

My project for this year is to work on a novel I previously wrote but never finished. I've decided to remove an element and play up others. I haven't looked at my previous draft and I don't think I am going too. I would really like to somewhat start fresh. The plan is to begin at the beginning and see where it takes me. I'll remember the good stuff and add it in like I remember it and hopefully make it better. Oh and the book is about vampires and no I am not going to go into the details. I do hope to publish this book so no peeking for you.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Two Halloween Parties

This year we had two Halloween parties. Both were really nice, fun, and a little similar.

The first was two weeks ago. Our plan was to have three of Skoora's cousins come over for pumpkin carving, treats, movies, and a ride out to the little wooded area near our apartment to tell ghost stories. Because one of Skoora's aunts was in the hospital and she was touch and go, we ended up having four extra guests, which was perfectly fine, the more the merrier. 

Our evening began with pumpkin carving, music from Nox Arcana, and lots of stories and laughs. After the pumpkin carving contest we played a short game and handed out prizes for the winners. I took Skoora and one of her cousins out to set up our little place in the woods and came back alone to pick up our 'victims'. Bascially we had our family/friends wear pillow cases over their heads in the jeep and I drove around in circles and through the neighborhood for a little bit then hit the dirt-pothole-filled-road to the wooded area. I made sure to hit every pothole, drove through the woods once and then stopped at the site. 

All of our guests clamored out of the car and some were worried that there were bears or other such creatures to look out for. I thought that was cute but was glad to know they were mindful of nature, not that they needed to be in the middle of town so much. We told ghost stories, personal paranormal experiences, and then some got to talking about slender man. 

Half the group decided to walk home while the other half road with me in the jeep. Apparently one of the guys asked as they were walking, "The apartments are just over there aren't then?" Skoora told him to shut up but it was true, they were in fact, very close to our home. Heh heh heh. 

When we all returned to the house, we set up Skoora's computer and hooked it up to the TV via HDMI cable and played Slender Man. It was fun and I managed to get a couple of the notes and last the longest without meeting the Slender Man before I decided that running in circles was too annoying and ran straight for him. Then we took some of our guests home and watched Youtube videos for the rest of the evening with those who stayed. It was a really fun night and I got the opportunity to get better acquainted with some of Skoora's cousins. 

Our second party, last weekend, involved two of Skoora's much younger cousins who we were baby sitting for the night. As you might have guessed, Skoora has a very large family. Anyway, we watched some movies with the kids and took them out sans the pillow cases to the wooded area. I took the direct route. We piled out of the car and I told them a small, kid appropriate ghost story. Skoora snuck up on us and jumped out to scare the kids. It was good fun and after which we went back to the house to watch more movies. The next morning we carved a pumpkin. The little girl is quite bossy and thinks she is a princess. She even told me to shut up when we were watching a movie even though I wasn't talking. Okay, she's bossy, rude, and self-important, and I don't think I like her very much because she is in your face ha'f the time. I told her that she was being bad and rude and bad, little girls get grounded. She seemed to think it was funny. I am so glad I am not her mother and won't have to deal with her on a daily basis while she's growing up.  

Monday, November 5, 2012

Anniversary and Greenbluff

Copyright Hannah Richardson
This is a very late blog posting for this subject, but what can I say? I got super busy and am just now getting the time to write about it.

This year Skoora and I celebrated 5 years of being together. We started out by going to her cousin's 25th wedding anniversary party then picked up a friend of ours. When we got home we had cake and if I remember correctly we watch a movie and talked before heading to bed early in preparation for the next day.

The next morning we awoke, got ready to go, and headed over to Washington to Greenbluff. Greenbluff is a collection of farms who are open to the public and they sell their produce and wares. It's so much fun! I only wish we had made it over sooner and that my back could have cooperated a little better. However we managed to get some awesome pictures. All photos are Copyrighted to Amanda LaFantasie and Hannah Richardson.


This Dog posed for me!









Learning about auras.

A few years back I thought I saw something around a friend's head. It was an Orange-ish in color and faint but it was there. When I asked said friend about it he and his wife were pretty sure I was seeing his aura. I've never seen it again on him or anyone else. But I have been curious about aura's ever since. So I recently picked up a book from my local library called Life Colors: What the Colors In Your Aura Reveal, by Pamala Oslie. So far I've only taken the quiz in the front of the book to figure out my life color(s) and the occupation color, and I've read the information on those colors.

For sure I am a Sensitive Tan/Blue with a Red Overlay. The Red Overlay is not the same as a Red Aura color and I need to work on shedding it. Apparently it's not good for me and can have bad effects later in life.

I am a little confused about the occupation color. I will go over the information on occupation colors again and see if what I think is correct. Indigo was the color by the by. Indigo was the color and no I didn't pick it by color. The colors are listed under a number and you pick which number fits you best. The reason I am a little confused is because Indigo's are kind of a new color that's emerging and they are kind of special, I mean all the colors are and everyone is in their own unique way, but I got the feeling that Indigo's were meant for something much higher. I have no delusions of grandeur  I don't remember my past lives nor half of the other stuff Indigo's are supposed to 'know'.

A theory or a few?  Maybe I was jaded too young or something happened and don't remember what I am supposed to know. Maybe it was too much for me at a tender age and I shut it out? Maybe I picked the wrong number but maybe not, everything under that number was something I do or would enjoy so much.

As for the rest of it, I haven't yet read about the other aura colors and I don't yet know how to train myself to see them. Do I want too? Absolutely, I think it would be really neat and helpful to me on a personal level, as perhaps a personal warning of what to expect out of people I meet. I often get overwhelmed by certain people, those with high energy. High energy people, there are several that I adore and care very much about, often times exhaust me. They don't mean too, it's not their fault, it just happens.

I will probably look for more books on the subject and see what I can learn about teaching myself to read auras and learn more about them.   

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Halloween Night

Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year and one of the oldest in history. I was not created by the candy companies as Max Dennison from Hocus Pocus would like to believe. In fact it has pagan roots. It began as a night to celebrate the passing of summer into winter and as a night to honor those who have passed on. We have the Christians to thank for trying to make it into something wicked and evil. No, really, we do. But we won't get into that except to say that no matter how hard the Christians tried to bastardize and do away with anything pagan, including Halloween, they did not succeed.

Skoora and I spent the first part of our Halloween evening setting up the stairwell in front of our front door and awaiting the little Trick or Treaters. We waited an hour or so before we finally had two. Unfortunately we made one of them cry from the creepy Nox Arcana music. We waited a little while longer before tearing down our decorations. Skoora was pretty upset about not having kids come by, she really wanted to give out candy and just experience the fun of the holiday. 

We decided then to go out and tried to find a free haunted house here in town but were unable too. Also, there were a bunch of teens in dark costumes darting this way and that and we almost hit one so we abandoned our search, mostly to get away from unmindful kids. So we decided to check out the haunted house run by the town's Lion's club. It was a really neat little haunted house and I enjoyed it despite the migraine and the small bouts of claustrophobia I experienced when passageways became really narrow. 

After we finished at the haunted house we went in search of a liquor store. We wanted to get a little something, not so much to get drunk just have a drink, and watch a movie. All the liquor stores were closed so we came home and played on our computers, watched a movie and went to bed. It was a really nice evening and I wish we could have more like that. 

Saturday, November 3, 2012

I can't do this anymore. *edited*

My back is really bad today, bad enough that I thought about having Skoora take me to the hospital, bad enough that I want to puke. But I am not going to the hospital (because hey, I can't afford it anyway) instead I am wrapped in a blanket on the sofa trying to keep from crying. Crying won't do me any good. I don't think I will be cooking today as I'd planned and I don't think I am going to get to my NaNoWriMo goal. In fact, today I feel as if my life is really over, that it won't get better, and that I should just stop exhausting myself by pretending everything is alright and putting on a good face for everyone else. I'm done. I'm not going to talk to any one about it any more and I don't think I need to bother anyone else with it, so no visiting anyone else either. I am so tired of people having to accommodate me because of this bullshit. I can't pull my weight or contribute therefore I am a waste of space and air. I cannot apologize enough to friends and family for all the crap I've made them deal with.

*edit*

Earlier I was in so much pain I just wanted to die, yes, I said die. I ended up in bed for awhile and Skoora found some medicine for me, the last of it, and I ended up sleeping all evening. That doesn't make me happy, but it was the first sleep I've had that didn't involve a terrible nightmare. That's a really good thing!

I feel much better, still hurt, and I am still depressed, but I'm better now that I can think without overwhelming pain and I don't want to die. The only down side is, I wish I didn't have to take so much medicine, it can't be good for me. I'm kind of worried about the long term effects. 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Super busy!

We are super busy this week and have been since last friday, will do a detailed update when I get a shower, a moment to relax, and my head to stay on one concise thought!

Until then.... Enjoy


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I am in love!


I really, truly have fallen in love with Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin body spray and lotion from Bath and Body Works. I saw an ad for it on my facebook and made sure to check it out and picked some up when I went to visit some friends a few weeks ago. I liked it instantly but after a day or so, when we got home, I wasn't so sure that I liked it. But I decided to give it a few days and yeah, I really do like it. In fact, I love it! This is probably the first and only lotion and body spray that I have ever gone through so quickly. Well, okay, I'm not out, but the frequency in which I use it is greater than the others I have. Apparently they also have a creamy pumpkin lotion. But I am heading back soon to check it out. And I have a list of other scents I want to sniff and see if I like. 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

A Sunday well spent

Unlike a good majority of my fellow Americans, I do not like foot ball, in fact I detest it. I won't go into the reason why just be satisfied that I hate it. So, I decided that I would find something constructive to do this past Sunday. Of course I had some writing that I could have been doing, library books that need to be read, but I just kind of wanted to play in the kitchen for a bit, move around for as long as my back could stand it. There were also some vegetables and some fruit that needed to be used up. I will be sure to share pictures of all the food I made on my Crafts and Culinary blog after this.

I started out making a beef stew and pumpkin bread. Then I began the work for Kaiser rolls and decided, after all that I did want to try out a recipe I found for pumpkin butter. However, we don't have apple juice but we still have lots of apples. So I decided to make mulled apple cider from scratch since apple cider is supposed to go into the pumpkin butter. So after I got the mulled apple cider done I made the pumpkin butter and since I had the apples from the cider left over and I didn't want to waste them, I just put them in the blender and made apple sauce.

So we now have Kaiser rolls (most of which have been eaten , pumpkin bread, apple sauce, pumpkin butter, mulled apple cider, and a little of the vegetable beef stew (what's left over anyway).

After all was said and done I cleaned up the kitchen and was hurting pretty bad. So I sat down on the sofa, watched Once Upon a Time and 666 Park Avenue. I really like Once Upon a Time and I'm semi-hooked on 666 Park Avenue. I want to see what's going to happen next week and probably give it a couple more episodes before I decide if I really like it or not.

And Vampire Diaries fans, remember this Thursday the 11th is the start of the new season on the CW.

Monday, October 8, 2012

It's smokey!

It's been so long since we've had rain that I can't remember when the last time we actually had it. How sad. And because of that and the forest fires over in Washington State, we are under a "no burn" ban. We're not supposed to have any open flames going because it would just too easy for a fire to start.

That puts a tiny damper on our plans for Halloween, but that's okay. We've found alternatives for light for what we are planning.

Also with the smoke blowing over from WA, it's very hazy here. A lot of people are dealing with the Fall allergies on top of some trouble from the smoke. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Happy October!!!


Finally! October is here, one of my favorite months of the year! All the leaves up here in the Northwest are turning, Halloween decorations and candy are filling the store shelves, and we have been loading up on apples and pumpkin!

I've been reading a bit about the history of Halloween/Samhain and I've found it really interesting. But I will be saving that for a later blog post because this one is just a short update and I need to get to bed shortly.

So much will be going on this month. Two of my cousins have birthdays this month, a friend has a birthday, my parents' 30th wedding anniversary, and Skoora's cousin's 25th anniversary as well as our 5th. Of course this is Halloween itself. I think we will be having a small party after all!

At some point, when I feel up to it, I need to get out to take some pictures because there are some really beautiful tress and bushes turning.

Can you believe that I bought 4 big cans of pumpkin today?! We'll be having pumpkin bread out the wazoo! I also found a pumpkin spice coco and a pumpkin spice coffee creamer. What I didn't find was more of the sweet harvest pumpkin tea that we picked up last time we went grocery shopping. I will be looking for that online.




Saturday, September 15, 2012

Upset and still not quite myself


There are days I really wish there were portal systems that would allow me to go from Idaho to Kansas. I would go see friends and spend time with family. More importantly, today I would have puddle jumped home to strangle my father's sister, my snotty-self-important Auntie M. My parents have been taking care of my Grandmother since she broke her leg and my mom has even been staying over to help. She's done laundry, cooked, done the dishes, cared for my Grandma in the bathroom and helped her get around. She's even helped my Grandpa with his shingles. Grandma was talking to my mom about getting out to see her friends and have some time to herself for a bit since my mom was there and could stay with my Grandpa, who has Alzheimer's.

Then here comes Auntie M, who has wanted to shove Grandpa into a nursing home ever since she knew he had Alzheimer's. In fact she treats my Grandpa so condescendingly, like a five year old. It's awful, never mind that she's always treated my parents and many times even me like we were nothing more than trailer trash putting a black mark on her because we aren't as trendy, wealthy, or Democratic as she and her family are. And aside from the way she and her husband have treated my parents and I, it's taken her 3 weeks to up to a couple of months to return a phone call to my Grandma. Not to mention that she only deigns to visit the rest of the family when it's a holiday and sometimes not even then.

So what did she do this time? She somehow coned or perhaps even bullied Grandma into moving into a nursing home not 12 hours after being at her house. Granted I know my Grandparents are probably set for the rest of their lives but nursing homes are so expensive. Now if this was something that Grandma really wanted to do, I would support her all the way. She is 84 after all and eventually she won't be able to take care of Grandpa on her own or do a lot of things that she likes too. She is very independent. But Grandma wasn't even talking about it until Auntie M came around.

It's like this. My Aunt can't be bothered to come down and help and when she does come down they down help out at all, and they can't be bothered to return phone calls. My parents and I, when I am living in Ks, go over and help out all the time, go over for weekly Sunday dinners, and go over to spend time with my Grandparents. I call my Grandma at least once a week if not more. Do you think either of Auntie M's kids do that? Nope. So it really pisses me off when Auntie M thinks she knows better than anyone else and starts pushing her agenda on people. She just wants Grandma and Grandpa in a nursing home and probably wants to sell their stuff and their house to be done with it so she can go back to her happy, perfect, more important little life in Nebraska ad not be bothered with them again until they die. It's sickening.

On the other side of the family, my mom's twin decided that she wasn't getting enough attention from my mom since my mom has been helping my Grandma out. So when my mom called her this afternoon to check up on one of my cousins she ripped my mom a new one for it. Disgusting. Could she be any more selfish?

I talked to the doctor's nurse yesterday or so, I don't remember what day it was. Apparently my back is fucked and will continue to become more fucked but it's not in need of surgery yet so I am screwed. Oh joy! Her recemndation is to A) lose weight (no shit, I've been working on that). B) pain block shots (As if I could afford those), and C) more physical therapy (They are only going to show me the same crap again, which I will do but grr!). Conclusion, you're screwed but not screwed enough. How maddening.

I spent a good hour this morning trying not to feel frustrated and focused on Yoda, who was sleeping beside me in bed. He certainly was a happy kitty.

I've read most of the books that I borrowed from the library and took them back and managed to pick up a few more. These were on drawing. I think I will end up taking two of them back tomorrow. They just aren't what I am looking for.

All in all I am feeling a little better, at least a little more grounded in myself and not so damned apathetic and listless as I was. But I still don't really feel like myself. I'm writing a little bit again, just some little blog posts, most are post dated for my craft blog. Today I started reading about Halloween/Samhain, the roots of it and customs all around. I have two books on it and wish the library had more. They might, I will check. I don't like to just look at one or two sources for information, I like to have three or more and see what the consensus is.

I need to start working on the Halloween party plans. I really wanted Skoora to look at some stuff with me but I think it would help if I have some ground work covered so she can just jump in from there.       

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Forcing myself to write something

Today did not go as I wanted but then it rarely does. We did have a good time with Skoora's Aunt. We went to Burger King for a small lunch after which we all headed to the park to walk around. My back didn't really appreciate it but I pretty much told it to shove it.

We took her aunt home after awhile then headed up to the library because I had some books there on hold to pick up. While there I ended up picking up more books than I had intended as well as some DVDs. Kind of hoping I can get all the movies and books read in the last part of the week because I think, aside from a few blog posts, I am going to take a small break from writing, just long enough to immerse myself in some reading.

Of the books I picked up today:

Fullmetal Alchemist V1- the Manga
Rurouni Kenshin V1, V2, & V3- Manga
The Art of Fullmetal Alchemist The Anime
Halloween From Pagan Ritual to Party Night
Halloween: Customs, Spells, and Rituals by Silver Raven Wolf.

Of the Movies:
The Artist
Coraline
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Slumdog Millionare (Which I have seen but loved and wanted to see again)
Secrets of the Dead: Witch Curse

Haven't heard anything from the doctor about my MRI and I guess I am supposed to call them tomorrow if I don't. But I did ask for a copy of the report to be sent to me. So, maybe one way or the other, I will have some news tomorrow and won't have to fight that damned phone VRU.

Well, time for a movie because I am getting tired and really don't want to think very much. Kind of in the mood to get lost in something.  

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Retreating to the library Wabahhhha!

We are playing Edward and Alphonse Elric today!


We, my Girlfriend and I, are sitting at the City's public library because that atrocity called American Football is playing on TV today and my girlfriend's Father, of course, loves it. As you can probably tell, I hate it! Sorry Football fans, I just can't stand sitting there for 4+ hours watching people run into each other. It's too hot in our room to hide out in there and both of us doubted that we would really get any peace to do what we needed to do. Which for her was to work on her college essays for Grad school and for me, plan our anniversary, work on plans for Halloween, and work on my first post for my craft blog. Oh and I need to get my vocabulary word of the week for the Detangled Writers blog I am part of/ working on with some friends.

Yesterday I overdid it. Again! My back was bothering me but I was kind of on a roll. We went to the Wal-mart to pick up white thread and a seam ripper (I am making a quilt for my Grandparents), veggie dip and yogurt, and managed to get two free parring knives for listening to a Forever Knife demo. I'll tell you what, the man giving the demo looked so bored and tired of doing it. I think he's doing it all weekend and I know he was there doing it Friday as well. I felt bad for him but I didn't have $50.00 to buy a set of knives. Besides, I only listened to the demo because my Girlfriend was interested.

After we finished at the store we came home. My Girlfriend, ugh, I'm just going to refer to her from now on as Skoora because that's who she is on the net. Anyway, my girlfriend sliced up the bell peppers we bought at WinCo the other day. Then I was in the kitchen for most of the day. I did two loads of laundry, made three pies (apple, blackberry, and peach) all from scratch, dinner, and ran a load of dishes in the dishwasher.  I also picked up the living room since it was clear that no one else was going to do it anytime soon and the mess was driving me nuts. I was so tired, worn out, and hurting so much when I was finished that by the time I sat down for dinner, I kind of wanted to cry. But I managed to stay awake long enough to watch two movies!

This morning I harassed Skoora out of bed to work on the dining room. She ended up doing most of the work because my back is trying to tell me to 'fuck off ' today. I took a pain pill and now I'm here at the library.

Tomorrow morning I finally get my MRI. I'm kind of nervous about what it will show and also I am claustrophobic and fat and I don't like lots of loud noises. I am sure I will be fine though.   

Friday, September 7, 2012

Nerves are shot, the ones I can feel

I am waiting to hear how my Grandma's surgery went. She broke her leg and for an 84 year old woman with Osteoporosis that's not a good thing but in all reality it could have been much worse.

I'm still having trouble writing. E-mails, blogs, and stories. I'm just really having a hard time with it. Amanda and I decided that we would ween me off the Welbutrin. I just have to call the She-beast, somehow, and tell her that this medicine is making me sick and a zombie.

There's some other stuff going on but I don't really want to talk about it right now. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

If my fingers rest on the keys, that counts as effort.

I have been so listless the last couple of days and mostly apathetic. When I say mostly, I don't really feel anything until I start thinking about trying to write or to read a book and then I just get upset because I have absolutely no drive whatsoever to anything. I am upset that it took me two hours to write a simple e-mail yesterday, something that should have only taken ten minutes.

I've taken naps in the last couple of days because I am so tired after taking my medicine. It's turning me into a zombie and I should just stop taking it. Except that I can't because I read up on it and if you quit cold turkey then it'll be like you have the flu. And I've felt that just from missing my pill one day. I should just deal with the clinic's long asinine phone system to leave a message with my med doctor but I don't like her and the phone system is a pain in the ass. And there is that I don't have much drive to deal with it.

It's American Footballs season again. Have I ever told you how much I loathe American Football? It's a long drawn out process of men lining up to slam into each other. And it almost always takes long than 4 hours. I just don't have the patience for it and I don't like the commentators anyway. I foresee myself spending many hours in my room. Many hours. I may never come out again except to eat, use the bathroom, and leave the house.

Persistent Heartburn has been plaguing me. The tums aren't helping too much any more, just taking the edge off. So I need to find something else, over the counter, until I can get back into the doctor to stop this. since I have the heartburn already, I might as well drink the juice I like. I adore orange juice and cran-grape juice but I don't drink juice very often because of the heartburn. I think I will have ravioli tonight too.

Tonight is the season premier of Ghost Hunters. I am excited!!! I think Paranormal Witness is on tonight as well.  I really enjoy both shows and it will be nice to lose myself in them for a couple of hours. Then I might just go back to bed.

I went looking for some short stories to refurbish and send into some short story contests but the one I really want is M.I.A. Apparently I only have it in hard copy and that copy must be back in Kansas at my parents house. That's kind of depressing because I really loved it and can't remember it well enough (the dialogue was really good) to be able to rewrite it. I did find one that I wrote for college that I might rework. I have an erotic short but I high doubt there are any erotic/BDSM short story contests listed in Amanda's magazine. I'll have to find some online. And I guess I will just have to write some more.

Well, I am off to find my snack!


Monday, September 3, 2012

Hello September, it's nice to see you again and what a month you will be!

It's finally September! Which means it's almost Autumn, my favorite season of the year. I love Winter, don't get me wrong, but Autumn and all it's color is the best. The weather is cooler but not cold. Mabon and Samhain (Halloween) come along with pumpkins and apples.

This year September is going to be very busy. At some point I am going to have an MRI and we are going to see what exactly is wrong with my Jeep. We have to get car tags for said car as well but other than those things, I think the beginning of the month will be pretty relaxed. I have some library books I need to finish but I will get to those in a minute.  (It's 12:40pm and I feel like it's 3pm)

The second half of the month will be a whirlwind of 'How the hell are we going to work around all of this?' My girlfriend's birthday is the 21st and we are have two parties for her. One out of town with her friends and one here at home with family simply because it is impossible for her friends to come to our house. The reasons why pisses me off to no end (it's not the friend's fault) but it just can't be helped. And somehow we have schedule between weird family events.

Also that weekend is Mabon, a pagan holiday. I don't know if I will be able to celebrate it or not with so much going on. And finally the Apple Festival at Greenbluff starts that weekend. I probably won't get to go to the Apple Festival that weekend, but I will be going shortly there after.

I've already started cooking for Fall. I made pumpkin bread yesterday morning and plan to make more within the next couple of days. And I am looking at new Fall recipes to try.

Last night we had a small craft night with Kat. It was fun and I started working on some decorations for Halloween! So far they look pretty good. I just have a coffin left to paint and some Witch's boots to make. I don't know what else I am going to make, but I'll figure it out. I still want to have a craft day with my friend out in the Silver Valley but for some reason getting her up here for an afternoon is harder than hell. I am trying to see if I can get her to come sometime when she is already going to be up in the area.

On to my library books...  Corsets & Clockwork looks like it would be a really neat Steampunk book. However, I've only enjoyed the 1st story.  The second and third just weren't holding me and I really tried to give them a go. Now, I am wondering if I should just take the book back to the library or try to read the rest. There is no point in wasting time on a book I am not going to enjoy and really the 1st story was the only one to really give me what I wanted as far as Steampunk is concerned. I'll look at the rest of the stories and try them out, otherwise, I'm not too thrilled with this book.


The Alchemist's Kitchen. It's interesting, a little complicated, and dry, textbook like but that's what it's supposed to be like. I wish this book was a little slower in that they didn't only have a paragraph or two on each concept and could go a little more in depth.

I have another Steampunk book to read and a book on Soap Making but I haven't gotten to those just yet and I think I might be renewing those.  

Friday, August 31, 2012

Fanfiction...

I've been trying to work on my article for the Detangled Writer's site I am a contributor of. I got as far as an outline... O.O Did I say outline? I did and I never do outlines, not really. I mostly have a little notebook with some handwritten notes or put a notes section at the bottom of the page I am working on for the next time I pick up the story so I remember where my thoughts were headed.

(I swear I smell plastic burning but I've checked everything in the house and can't find where it's coming from- it's disturbing)

Anyway, I got as far as the notes a few days ago and was going to actually write the article yesterday. However, I was so listless and tired yesterday that I ended up taking a nap, a shower, and going to the store only. From there I watched a couple of movies and fell asleep on the sofa. I hate days like that, I never seem to get anything done and it's frustrating. You'd think that since I am unable to work or go to school I could at least get a little bit of writing done.

I don't know, maybe I am pushing myself too hard. I really push to keep myself moving, to do little things and clean the house, but I guess every couple of days it catches up with me and I have to have a crash day. It's pathetic. No, stop it, I'm not supposed to have negative or self-defeating thoughts. Bite me! I'm human.

(A random, strange man just came to the door and wanted to sell us a Kirby Vacuum) 

Ugh! Today isn't the best of days but I am going to try and write that article before Kat gets here and clean the house too. Maybe I will work on the girlfriend's birthday present again... since I shattered the last one. 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Gothic/fantasy or Asian?

Some of my Asian Decor. The medicine cabinet was given to me by Aunt Pat when she came back from living in  Indonesia. 
For as long as I can remember I've been told "It doesn't hurt you to want". Most of the time it doesn't bother me and I really can live without most of the things I would like to have. I've become used to not asking for anything unless it's really important or imperative like medical/ basic hygiene/and food, you know crap to survive by. Should someone be so kind as to get me something extra or special, well that's a bonus! Anything else I happen to want I put on a 'someday' list on Amazon or Etsy. Every couple of months I go in and clean out those lists to minimize them and get rid of the really silly stuff. 

Masks three were made by us.
But there are somethings that I really need and am a long time from getting. One of those is a place of permanency. I need a place to settle and be for more than a few years. I need a place to make my own. We would like to get a house, isn't that every one's dream? House, Townhouse, condo, whatever. Neither of those options are within reach and won't be for a long time. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes I've even wanted it so bad and along with a spike in depression I've cried for it. I know that seems so ridiculous.

Some of our Asian decor
Like I said, that particular need/want isn't likely to happen anytime soon. In the mean time, while I wait, I like to look at things on the Internet and kind of design a room in house. Having moved several times, some of our stuff gets broken or we've downsized. At the moment we don't have any dishes, a sofa, and half of our things are back at my parents house. A couple of our bookshelves have broken as well. 

My girlfriend and I have been talking about what we would like our prospective living room to look like in our 'someday' house. We have a basic idea of paint, wainscoting, and crown molding. I'm not sure what I would like for window treatments and she wants gunmetal gray furniture. I know I want a writing desk and a side table. My biggest problem is that I can't decide if I want to do Asian decor like I've done for years or Gothic decor that I've thought about. So I've been looking again and looking at stuff I have saved over the last few years.      
A sconce I am in love with

Ideally we want to be able to easily decorate with the seasons, especially Autumn and Winter. Of course that's never been too much of a problem with me. My issue is that I don't want things to clash, I want balance. Of course I could mix the two themes but some part of me doesn't want to do that. I feel that it would be too much or excessive. 


There are a couple of pieces of art that I would love to buy, that are reasonably priced. The above for instance would be beautiful and finding other room decor and statuary would work really well but my great conundrum is what do I do with all of the Asian pieces I own? I want to showcase them because I am proud of them. 



But there are other things that I want to bring out or get that illuminate my other interests. So, I am a bit torn. I think in the end I may have to switch out themes from time to time. A change in the feel of a room is good from time to time and is a fin project. For now, I think I will keep looking and wait to play with some ideas when the 'someday' house/home is more of a reality than a dream. 



Well buckets of poo!

I forgot to take my medicine yesterday and today... That's not good and what's worse, my eyes are still really blurry. I am not amused.

On the upside, I managed to make a few Autumn cards for my family and have them ready to send out. I still need to make Samhain and Halloween cards but I want to wait on those to see if a friend still wants to do a craft day in September. I also did some fall decorating around the house but sadly only half of the leaves I put up have remained on the walls. The rest lay scattered upon the floor like some pretty tree came and took a dump in the hall.

Tomorrow, I need to work on getting some writing done and start sculpting my girlfriend's birthday present.

List for tomorrow:
1. Go to the store
2. Work on fanfiction article
3. Work on novel
4. Make bbq beef and homemade mac & cheese
5. Sculpt
6. Watch my shows on SYFY
7. Do Pain study stuff. 

Monday, August 27, 2012

You don't really know unless you experience it yourself.

My mother lives with chronic pain and has since I was in middle school. I've seen her on her good days and when she's at her worst. We've fought, cried, nearly killed each other and there were days that I prayed that she would die not because I wanted her too, I would be devastated, but because I just wanted her to have some peace. It's really hard to listen to a woman who is like an Amazon and never cries, sob because the pain is so terrible she can't stand it. It is hard to come home and find her lying on the floor because she's in so much pain her body or mind says 'fuck you' and switches off and by that I mean she just went out, lost consciousness. I used to tell her that "I know you hurt and I get it it," or "I understand" and I was trying to be understanding and supportive but really I didn't have a fucking clue only an observers point of view.

Several years later and my mother still lives with chronic pain and now so do I. I don't know what I have done to my back but I've done something. While I don't have pain in the same places my mother does, I have pain in my lower back, down through my hip and my right leg. Sometime I even have pain on the left side. I have been in so much pain that I could not walk, sleep, go to the bathroom on my own, or take a shower on my own. Still, when my worst days have past I do my best to keep moving.

It's not just physical pain that comes with chronic pain. I already suffer from severe depression and social phobias though most people wouldn't know because I hide it and don't let a lot of people really see. After I hurt myself those things became much worse. And what's the first thing I did, shut more people out because I couldn't deal with anything else. Also because I didn't want to complain too much. Feelings like "I'm a parasite because I can no longer help support myself" became more frequent. Suicidal thoughts sprouted and bloomed more often. I haven't tried but damn have I thought about it, made plans, even told my girlfriend that she would be better off without me. I've felt ashamed of myself, disappointed, furious, frustrated, angry, raw, mentally over stimulated and taxed. It is very hard to focus on much of anything when I hurt really bad and when I am very depressed which just makes everything worse.

Through all of it I still try to get out of the house once a day, keep pushing to do house work and cook because that's the only way I can contribute and because you have to keep moving. I try to do things that keep me busy and that I enjoy so I'm not so depressed. I've even entered into a pain study to see if that will help in some way, even a little bit.

Some days are better than others and always I have the fear of waking up in so much pain I can't move. It is hard to watch everyone around you go to work, go to school, have mostly normal lives while you're stuck not making much progress. I know I am a writer and most people say "well this is an opportunity for you to write more and get that book written and published". That's all fine and dandy but when it hurts to sit in a chair and so much you can't think, you can't really write much of anything. Worse is when you can't get your head clear enough to even think straight. So you have to try to find something else to do which is also frustrating because you can't even do what you love.

So, now I feel like I can say, "Yeah, Mom, I really do get it. I know how much it hurts and how frustrating it is. I know how much you wish you just had a break from it to have a normal day."
  

Friday, August 24, 2012

I think the She-Beast Lied...


See that girl? Yeah, that's me, in slow motion... really slow motion. I started taking a new medication the She-Beast (Aka my med doctor prescribed). She said it would give me more energy, she said it would make me feel better... I know it takes a few days to a week or two for something to build up in a person's system but I was more awake before I took the medication and I have been growing steadily more tired over the last couple of hours. Time in which I have been trying to do my pain study lessons in. I finally gave up on them for the time being.

There are a couple of things I need to knock out today. I have a couple of crafty things I need to get done, make dinner, and clean. Well, I need to do as much of that as I can stand. My back is giving me hell for all the walking I did yesterday. I am not impressed. Also, I apparently need to write an article on what makes a good fanfiction. Oh yeah, I forgot, I am doing a writing blog with some friends and the admin of the group apparently wanted me to do the article for the blog. I never saw where she asked and I heard it second hand from my girlfriend who is also part of the writing group. So, that means I need to talk to the admin or locate the conversation on Facebook that I missed. I have no problems writing such an article but it's going to take some time. Especially since I just got the new power cord for my laptop and am finally back on it. (I am really excited, I will feel comfortable enough to actually relax and write! I get all squicked out when I am on other people's computers, don't know why, just a quirk I guess.)

I won't possibly get everything I want to get done, done today, especially not with how tired I am but I at least want to get some of it accomplished. So a short list...

LIST:
1. Set out some chicken for dinner
2. Figure out which craft I want to do and lay out supplies for it.
3. Work on craft.
4. Make dinner.
5. eat
6. Load and run the dishwasher.
7. Work on my mom's birthday present while watching a movie
8. decide what I want to say in blog article
9. See if Dad is up to playing a little Guild Wars
10. Go to bed.


Monday, August 20, 2012

So sick...

Today has been an awful day. It started a little after 5 am with the most rude of awakenings in which I scrambled to the bathroom to make a nasty mess. I was reminded of Edward Norton's character in The Painted Veil when he contracted cholera and all the fluids in his body decided to vacate. Nine hours later, I hurt all over and want nothing more than to go back to bed and the only reason I am out of it is because I can't sleep anymore and am trying to re hydrate myself.

My girlfriend's parents left for the Oregon Coast this morning and I wasn't the only one who was sick. Her mother is experiencing the same problem. We think it was the eggs we ate but my girlfriend and her Dad aren't sick at all. We have leftovers from last night's dinner but I will be chucking them into the trash. I do not want to do this again.

I would like to eat something but nothing really appeals to me so I may send my girlfriend to the store when she wakes up (she stayed up with me through most of it) to get some soup. It's the only thing I can think of that won't kill my stomach but maybe that's just the go to for when people are sick. I certainly hope I can keep it down.   

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Participating in a Pain Study

Last time I saw my primary doctor she asked me if I would be interested in participating in a pain study. I am open to anything (healthy and legal) that will help me heal my back and get my back to normal so I can go back to school get back into the workforce. So, I said yes. 

I've already done phone interviews, been pre-screened, approved and I am in the test group. I will not be taking any newfangled medication just taking surveys and doing what is dictated in the lessons. I don't know what all of that entails but I have a feeling their goal is to get people to do a mind over matter sort of thing. I'm not sure I believe in that mind over matter sort of thing but that's probably because I am always looking for the slap in the face before it happens. Oh well, I've already done some surveys and will start the lessons tomorrow. 

The sun! It burns it burns!

Went over to my girlfriend's Aunt Lola's for a pool party. There weren't but a few people there so it was easy and casual. My back was really hurting so the cool pool water looked good. But there were a couple of flaws with this plan. The pool is outside meaning the sun was on us constantly. Despite having some fun watching my girlfriend get beaten up by her 14 year old cousin with a floaty noodle, I came home with a killer head ache, a sun burn, and was completely worn out. Which, is kind of strange since I basically stood around in the pool all day. But we don't have sun block and since I nearly always go out covered and usually swim in an indoor pool at the Kroc Center, I didn't even really think about it.

Well, I tried a nap. Didn't work. So here I sit with a head ache, sun burn, and still sleepy but not sleepy enough to go to bed. *Sigh* I hate these moments. My head hurts too much to really read or try writing and I'm too awake to sleep. I don't really want to watch a movie especially since I do want to read or write.

Oh well, I will figure something out to do. On the upside it was nice to talk to someone about Guild Wars and movies. And it was nice to just kind of relax. I think today was the first day in a very long time that I didn't have a panic attack.  

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Feeling a little better today and I made a cell phone holder.


Today I am a little better. I saw the She-beast doctor this morning and I still don't really like her but she is once again upping my depression meds and giving me a second one to take in conjunction with what I already take. *sigh*

On the upside, aside from cooking a roast, mashed potatoes and gravy, and a peach pie, I decided that today was as good as any to make a cell phone holder. I saw a DIY tutorial not too long ago that used a baby lotion bottle. Well we don't use baby lotion but we did recently run out of shampoo. So I had my girlfriend rinse out the old bottle and I cut it the shape I wanted. Then I added some pretty stickers. It looks simple and kind of plain but it works. The tutorial uses mod podge and fabric and the hole is cut bigger to accommodate a cell phone charger. You plug in your phone and put the phone in the bottle along with the cord and it houses it nicely.

Anyway, I didn't do that because I just need a place to put my cellphone and glasses at night. My cats seem to want to use my nightstand, my desk, and my dresser to navigate my bedroom and are always knocking stuff off of surfaces. So I just nailed this baby to the wall, plunked my cell in it and wala! The cat's can't get it it, I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm going to step on it when I get up, and its still in reach. 

Friday, August 17, 2012

A personal moment of fright.

As anyone who follows this blog might have guessed I suffer from sever depression and social phobias. I have panic attacks too and the scary thing is that they are getting worse. I have breathing exercises (I'm not kidding) that I was instructed to do when these sort of attacks occur and sometimes they help, most of the time they don't and while the worst of a panic attack might be over, there is this lingering or residual right pain within me that takes forever to shake.

Today I had once such attack while out with my girlfriend for a lunch date. We were just talking about some plans and I had a knife in my hand and for a good moment I just wanted to cut my arm. My girlfriend saw and took the knife away from me quickly. I'm not trying to scare anyone in writing about this but it is very clear that I am in need of more help than I am currently receiving. Thankfully, I see my med doctor tomorrow and will be telling her of this and the panic attack I just had in the car just thinking about today. Forget others, I'm terrifying myself. And I swear if that bitch rolls her eyes at me again, I scream her head off. I may not be as fucked up as the people she's used to dealing with but giving me the brush off when I am asking and paying her for help is unacceptable. 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Octoberfest in August!!! Hooyah!


I don't drink often, maybe once or twice and rarely three times a year. There are a few things that I really like  for instance Spiced or Coconut Rum and Coke, Hpnotiq, Gin with Sprite, and Screwdrivers. I'm sure there are plenty of other drinks I would like if I had the money and desire to get my ass online to look recipes up and then go fetch the stuff but alcohol just isn't one of those things I feel a particular need for. However, there is something that I really like and fell in love with when I worked at the smoke/liquor store back in Kansas: Samuel Adams Octoberfest! I'm not really a beer person, I like Harp by Guinness but that was pretty much it until I tried Octoberfest one October just for shits and giggles. There weren't any shits and giggles, but I liked it enough that I didn't really want to share.

It's been about five years since I've really had the chance and money to get another round of Octoberfest. I pretty much cut two things from my shopping list in order to get it but I really don't mind. My girlfriend doesn't like it so that means more for me!

Actually, I'm a little surprised to see Octoberfest on the shelves this early. Maybe I'm not the only one who is   wishing Autumn would begin or feels like the Autumn season is trying to creep in early this year. For those in the Mid-west it probably doesn't feel that way, but up here, it's hot yet there is that cool breeze that kind of makes things nicer and certainly throws me off a little. 

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Am I really done for Camp NaNoWriMo?

I managed to reach 50,000 words in 11 days for Camp National Novel Writer's Month. Some of my friends are annoyed with me. I kind of wanted to see if I could beat my record of 19 days. Well, I guess I did.

The book isn't finished so I intend to keep working on it. I haven't the last couple of days to give myself a much needed break. I knew I needed one when I started noticing some little annoying things that if I could just step away from it, I could come back with a fresh, clear head and tackle just fine later.

There were thoughts in my head to work on the novel tonight but after a trip to the library followed by a stressful and exhausting trip to WinCo, cooking dinner, and then cleaning the kitchen, I found that I am in too much pain. So, I took care of some of the simpler, smaller things that I needed to get done and I read a graphic novel.

Tomorrow I have a lot I need to do, I just hope I'm not in too much pain to sleep. I've already taken two pain pills and am a little scared to take more. It really sucks to hurt so bad and be so exhausted but unable to sleep. Actually, it's quite maddening. 

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Playing with crazy people

I attract crazy people. No, really I do. It's seems like I have a collection of them. I don't know the why or the how. My girlfriend thinks I have some kind of invisible beacon or something written across my forehead that attracts people. My Dad has theorized that it's my natural proclivity to stick up for the weird under dogs. I'm still friends or at least in contact with some of the misfits I went to high school with. You know, the D&D, Magic the Gathering, Video Game playing, Science and Book nerd kind of crowd and nearly all of us have some sort of personal issue of some kind and are very strange and have all sorts of weird quirks that most people find well, a little crazy. For instance, one friend rocks compulsively, another makes lewd comments and farts and burps and laughs in a really creepy way. Another knows entirely too much about how to combat Zombies and gets really intense when telling you anything. Another friend just kind of gives people the creepy vibe all around (probably had something to do with that he was kind of desperate for a girlfriend for a long time).

I seem to have collected more (they're all mine ha ha, ehm) as I have gotten older via the Internet. I've met people on various forums where I've gone to post art work or stories. I've met people via Myspace, Yahoo 360 and Yahoo Groups. There's nothing wrong with crazy people, sometimes they add a little spice to life and I don't hold any social or mental or physical problems against anyone, that's just not my way. However, and this is going to sound contradictory, I do have a problem with people who really let the crazy out on me or some one close to me. Okay, I get someone having a bad day, I get them having been burnt by past friends or lovers, and I more than understand that sometimes people are just freaking weird.

My girlfriend and I recently had a friend just go bananas on us. For the most part this friend is really nice, has, what I think are some far out ideas about things, and I've had trouble keeping up with her on some of what she says (I almost always have to ask her to explain something or go look something up). She's lonely, she did some not to great things in her life, she's away from any family that truly maters ect... I met her via a forum where I posted some writing. She wanted me to read her writing and we just started talking. We even did a written role play together. Eventually I had to stop written role plays because it was taking over the time I needed for other writing but I introduced her to my girlfriend and they got to talking and role playing.

Well, for this friend, role play characters are a little more than just that and that's okay. However, recently something happened and she got really upset about something my girlfriend's character did (never mind that this is a fictional character) and my girlfriend wasn't getting rp replies back fast enough or talking to her as much and all hell broke lose. She vented to me about it and I agreed with her on most of it and stuck up for my girlfriend where sticking up was due. I'll be damned if this friend of mine didn't write a vicious letter to my girlfriend. They went back and forth over e-mail and she told my girlfriend some of the things I had expressed annoyance with. It's a damned good thing that I talked to my girlfriend about everything I'd talked to our friend about else there might have been trouble. I just let them sort it out between them, even though I knew this friend had used things I told her as ammunition against my girlfriend. I sure as hell wasn't happy about it though.

Then a couple of days later when things were calming down I saw a meme on facebook, one of my cousins had posted it and it was about crazy people. Personally, I thought it was damn funny and fit the person my cousin was posting it in reference to pretty well. My friend freaked out and thought I posted it in reference to her. *insert Carly Simon's song, You're so Vain* Honestly, I never even thought of her. But boy did I get a near two page message on facebook about how it hurt her.

So, I did the only thing I could do. I explained who the damned meme was for, assured her it wasn't about her, that I'm not out to get her, that my girlfriend and I aren't out to gang up on her, that I wouldn't mind still being her friend, but I certainly wasn't going to take any more crap, especially not after she threw me under the bus. I haven't heard from her since, just filled her game requests on facebook and she hasn't un-friend-ed me. I don't necessarily know what that means but the ball is in her court.

I don't mind that she got upset, I really don't. I mind that she back stabbed me. I didn't tell my girlfriend anything that she vented to me, that was between us and even if I should happen not to agree with anything she wants or wanted to vent about, I still wouldn't tell. Sometimes people just need someone to talk to who will actually listen.

I didn't like that she whined so much and kept using past events and that it seemed like she wanted to project them on to us. Um, we aren't stupid bitches who like to hurt people for the fun of it. And if I am pissed at someone I either will not tell them and vent it out on a blog or in a journal or I will tell them to their face. I don't do it via snide meme's on facebook.

I also mind that this issue took almost four days to resolve and that I spent so much time and energy trying to assure her that no one was trying to attack her when it could have just been taken care of within a couple of hours. Honestly the while all this was going on, even though I was trying to stay out of it as much as possible it really upset me and I wasn't able to focus on much else except cooking and some very light house work. I am still upset but like I told her while I won't put up with back stabbing and 'you're attacking me' bull shit (really, if I was attacking you you'd know it because I'd be in your face). I am not going to throw away a four year friendship so easily. I do forgive people, probably more than I should or ought to.

And of course there have been other little instances not too unlike this one with other friends, at least with the person freaking out on me, not over the same issues of course.   

Monday, August 6, 2012

Ma and Pa Kettle


A few months or so ago I bought the Ma & Pa Kettle Complete Comedy Collection. I didn't just happen to see it on the shelf and decide to try it on for size like I do with a lot of movies, especially foreign films. No, my Grandmother bought these films on VHS when I was a kid and showed them to me. I LOVED them!

Ma has this kind of raspy voice that you would think should grate on your nerves but it just fits her so well. She's the driving force behind the whole household. Pa is really kind of lazy but a sweet old man with strange quirks. They have 15 kids (that's a litter, really it is) and start out in the Egg and I on a run down farm. They kind of move up in the world and have all sorts of adventures through the series of 10 films and are a lot of fun.

Grandma showed them to me when I was a kid because the farm settings reminded her so much of when she was a kid and she wanted to give me a little taste of what it was like to live in an old farm house like the one she grew up in. It had to be via a movie, but it was still a lot of fun getting to see all the little things here and there. She would tell me little stories about certain objects or explain what they were for. And she just really enjoined the movies. It kind of became one of our 'things' that was special to only us. We started out with Ma & Pa and then watched a lot of other old movies that she'd seen when she was younger. It's always kind of bothered me that my cousins didn't seem interested in this and half of what Grandma and Grandpa wanted to show and tell us about. But then again, it's nice not having to share these little moments with Grandma with anyone else.

(I love Ma's facial expressions!)

Grandma is 84 now and not doing so well. She's been taking care of Grandpa who has Alzheimer's and shingles. But she's starting to really wear down. I wish I could just drive over to her house, help her out with a few things around the house, spend the night, and pop in one of the Ma & Pa Kettle movies and watch it with her while Grandpa takes a nap like I used to. But I am half way across the country so it will have to wait until I can visit her again.