Thursday, April 5, 2018

An update and backtracking with depression monster.

Fear the Mind by wacalac

The last couple of weeks have been a struggle and I have learned and or realized a couple things. But first I'll update the medical situation with a short recap.

I was taking neurontin for fibromyalgia. I also take another medication that doubles as an antidepressant but is largely prescribed for fibromyalgia. Since I would like to lose weight, my doctor decided to take me off neurontin because it causes weight gain and the plan was to max me out on the other med. In addition to that, he put me on a weight-loss drug to help boost the process. Except he decided not to max me out on the other med until the neurontin is completely out of my system and thus my fibromylgia has been a screaming bitch the last couple of weeks, which I will get more into in a moment. Secondly, I don't think the weight-loss medication gives me any more energy, just makes me feel unsettled, occasionally antsy, and dizzy, and on a few occasions I've felt like my heart was racing when I wasn't moving. The latter at least passes quickly. Third, I don't know what the heck is going on with my insurance and my GERD medication, but for some reason they didn't want to fill it. 

So I've been trying to curb the symptoms with aloe juice/water. I've also been drinking kombucha lately to try to get my stomach in order. I have been more nauseated than usual, which makes me not want to eat and the newest issue, not want to drink anything either. Swallowing has been difficult. It;s like when I swallow food or liquid, it goes down but then it feels like something painful is coming up. My throat feels a little tight and sometimes the pain reaches up into my jaw. It's different from the TMJ pain I get because of the fibro, so I know it's not that. Either way, it is fucking weird! I was about to call my insurance to see what was going on when the pharmacy called yesterday to let me know I had a prescription ready. I just need to go pick it up tonight. Still, I'm going to discuss it with my doctor when I see him next, which will be soon.

Back to the fibro, its been bad and with out the neurontin taking the edge off, the bad flare up days have been worse. I've been practically making love to the heating pad. Still, I've been trying to capitalize on the better days to get some walking done and also work out with a friend. Fun fact, you can trigger a fibro flare up by exercising! I would go for a very short walk, get in and get busy doing something, and the next thing I know my body is screaming at me. I've exercised before, in the pool and on the elliptical, and yeah, I would hurt, but not like I have been. My thought was that maybe that had something to do with the fact that I was pre- hysterectomy? And well, I also had a decent amount of fibro medication taking the edge off. In my research about how to navigate this problem, its kind of a crap shoot. I can't get my heart rate up too much, have to workout for shorter periods, and doing water aerobics and yoga might be better. 

My depression monster has upped its game the last couple of weeks as well. I know some of that is pain induced. But there is a lot that's not. I had a day where I was looking for something to cut my skin off with and when I realized what I was doing, I did my best not to freak. A couple of times I've found myself scratching at my face or other places but managed to stop. Worse, I'm having instances where I am too afraid to and can't move. I just sit and cry quietly and stare at the wall for sometimes up to half an hour. I've been trying grounding, the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, and a good deal of the time I can at least get myself back to mostly neutral.  The rest of the time I have to ride it out. I've also had random bursts of crying for no good reason or feel like I need to cry all day long whether or not I actually do. My usual distraction or escape methods to make me feel better (anime and music) haven't been doing as good job as they usually do. These are all things I'm going to talk to my therapist about, of course. Don't worry, I'm not in danger of offing myself. I told myself I couldn't die until I got a book published. More importantly, hurting friends and family is something I can't handle.

Despite my no picnic last couple of weeks, I have had a few good moments. Cuddles with the cats have been and are always good. I've finally been reading a little and I've been talking with my cousin Shi-Chan a bit. And I downloaded Pokemon Go on my phone so I could play it while I walk. I like it, so far, but it certainly drains the hell out of my battery.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

An Equalist, a planner, and rabbit holes with a side of pain.


I've not felt good the last couple of day. Fibromyalgia has been kicking my ass as of late. No, I'm not off the fibro medication yet, but as of tonight I will be. My doctor wants to see how I feel over the next two weeks before he does anything else. *sigh* Right this moment I am dreading the two weeks of withdraw since in past every time I missed a dose I could tell. Which is damn obnoxious! But I'm trying to remain positive and focus on other things. 

Today, I have been busy. I've made several calls, looked up directions for Francis, been to the local library to get a new card, taken Amanda to work, and not all in that order. I've also spent some time researching medieval historical element such as what exactly kings and queens attended to on a daily basis. Some of it I already knew from school or had gathered from reading books or watching TV, but I wanted the actual details. I also looked at some castle construction because damn it, I might have a map drawn out for the story I seem to be gravitating toward, but I don't have a clue as to what the castle layout is like and it is driving me nuts. More importantly, I wanted to know where the best location of the city it should be in (you know for strategic defense) and so forth, you don't want to read about that.  And then I somehow fell down a rabbit hole wherein I stumbled across a Quoara answer author Mercedes Lackey had about Mermaids and if they draw breath when they were born. According to her, they don't because they don't exist. Actually the whole of her answer gave me a giggle, but then again, how does she know? The ocean is a big place... just saying. 

Office: north wall. It's not finished yet, things still have to go up and eventually we're painting the room gray and purple.

I found my planner yesterday. It was buried under some stuff on Amanda's desk, which is the one with the ship picture above it. Mine has the lamp on it with all the collage pictures (and my manifestation boards) on the wall under the shelf. Anyway, I've missed it. And, I don't like it. I miss decorating it with planner stickers and I miss making planner sticker too. That's a kind of self care ritual I'm going to pick back up again. 

Also in yesterday's news, I saw something on facebook about a feminist art show that's soon to go on. I thought, maybe I would try to go, but when I was reading their about section I was a bit turned off. They claim to be promoting equality and not against men, but it doesn't really sound like it to me the further down I read. I know that all groups have their zealots, but there are some feminist groups that sound more like man hating bitch clubs, than anything else- not that this group is or could be. I haven't met them, I'm just saying they don't sound as equal as they proclaim. And hey, at one point in time, I used to be part of a man hating bitch club, but I was in high school and I have sense grown up. Instead, as I was trying to describe to my Dad in our conversation yesterday, I'm more of an Equalist. Skin color, race, gender, sex, clothing, social status, financial status ect... shouldn't be an issue. What should be an issue is whether or not you're an asshole, break the law, hurt people ect... My Dad hadn't heard of the term and I said that's because I made it up. He thought that was clever. Which, quite honestly, is a nice complement and not something I'd heard anyone say to me before. 

When I was telling Amanda about she said Feminism is about equality. At least, it is supposed to be. We talked about it a little bit and also talked about affirmative action, which was something else my Dad and I talked about, given that he was the one who hired for the correctional facility he worked at. My personal thought is, if the person could do the job, I would hire them. But Amanda brought up a point that in a retail environment that doesn't always work because you want who will make the customer feel comfortable around- which, yes, I get. But that's retail. She also brought up that a prison isn't likely to hire a skinny girl as a guard because big guys could beat the shit out her. But then again if said skinny girl holds a black belt in some martial art and knows how to defend herself, she might just be the person for the job. Anyway, those are just my thoughts. 

Lastly, I've had to restart my computer to see if that would help the issue I am having with my printer. Some times it doesn't recognize that they are connected. I unplugged the printer just for good measure and am going to try again for the few things I need to print off. Tomorrow, I need to address some issues with my friend's kettle corn website and see what I can do to fix it. I also have to read about dialectical behavior therapy- something my therapist wants me to look at before Friday. 

Thursday, March 15, 2018

As promised- new doctor and birthday weekend.

Nene Thomas art statue

I'll begin with the new doctor. For one, he's from England and really nice. Two, he doesn't want me to cast any spells on him to make him lose his accent because that's all he has going for him, he says, and he really doesn't want a Texas accent. This was because I was wearing my Slytherin cardigan to my first visit with him. Three, he doesn't want it to get out that he's a bit of a nerd because he has a reputation to keep. We get along pretty well and so far, he's actually listening to me and working to help me get to where I want to be. 

The very first thing he wanted to do was run all of my labs, including allergies. Everything looks good except triglycerides (a sort of easy fix although my Dad says he and my Grandma both deal with that and like them, my cholesterol is low). I am very allergic to a native grass around here, go figure. I love nature but nature doesn't love me. More tree and weed types showed up on the test as being "insignificant" but honestly if they are showing up they must have some element that irritates me. My peanut allergy showed up the same and he said I could try a little, see how I do and then maybe try a little more. Well. I tried peanut butter cup hoping I would be fine because I love peanut butter. I even turned on a movie so I wouldn't be paying attention, but I still got crazy itchy and worse, I had a horrible time sleeping that night. 

There were some things I already knew I was allergic to on the test as well, but a couple of new things showed up, of course as supposedly being insignificant but just how much or how little are they if they are showing up? How bad would they be if I were eating a lot of boxed and packaged processed foods instead of making a lot of stuff myself? A friend suggested I request going to an allergist for the scratch test and I am wondering if that really isn't a bad idea. 

Also, my doctor is taking me off a medication for the fibro because it makes people gain weight. My depression medication is one that is also prescribed for fibro and it apparently doesn't have the weight gain side effect, so he wants to up my milligrams on that. Then he's prescribed a weight loss drug that is supposed to boost what happens when you exercise but only for three months. Trouble is my insurance doesn't cover it and it is expensive even with the store discount. So, I've got to figure out what to do in that regard. Amanda is also thinking about getting us a planet fitness membership because they have massage chairs and hydrotherapy beds and she's hoping those will help me.

On to the birthday weekend. 

It was nice and quiet for the most part. Amanda and I were going to have a writing day but she decided that we were getting Starbucks, some food, and then we went to Wonders of the World and their bead shop. We bought some gemstones: rose quartz, pyrite, and a rainbow fluorite egg. I picked up two small packages of some incense I wanted to try by Nippon Kodo. And Amanda got me the statue pictured above. It was half off and beautiful and she kind of got to the counter when I wasn't looking. I didn't know about it until the sales clerk asked me which wings I liked better because they had another in the back that had a little more color to them.  

After talking to my Mom for a little bit in the parking lot we went to dinner. While on our way to the restaurant we noticed a lot of police cars zooming in the same direction. Sure enough, the very restaurant we were going to was cordoned off by the police and a SWAT time was there. Since there is a bar attached to the place, I didn't think too much of it and we didn't want to be looky loos and honestly, it's jst best to get the hell out of the way, so we went to another restaurant.  As it turned out there was a man in the parking lot with a machete basically trying to get the cops to shoot him. But they talked him "down" enough to get him to drop the weapon and they arrested him and I suppose got him some help.

On my actual birthday we had dinner a quiet dinner at home with Amanda's parents and cake. 

I've been very spoiled this year. Of my presents, the house got a new kitchen stove, I got a few more pieces to a collection of dishes I am collecting, I got a beautiful letter done in calligraphy, fox and raccoon plushies, an electric blanket the cats confiscated, new silverware, soot sprite cake pops made by a friend, a pretty little metal plaque, tons of wonderful birthday wishes, a book, and some stationary.

In the more present news, I am just about better. I still have a tiny cough and occasionally have to blow my nose, but feel much better. I'm cold today, but not as cold. Amanda decided to try going to work today, but since I was still half asleep when she left, I wasn't able to really see her. 

Monday, March 12, 2018

So much news, sick, flashing lights on my street.


Our house is situated near a fire station to west and police station to the east. We also live on a relatively busy street. There's almost constant traffic and we often see and hear emergency vehicles speeding passed daily, but we don't really mind. But this morning six emergency vehicles zoomed passed and I looked up a news source to find out what the hell was going on. Turns out someone was getting evicted from their home about 4 blocks away and there were shots fired. I don't know if they fired at someone or if the police fired at them, but not long after an ambulance sped passed our house heading the other direction. 

We also had a homeless man walk up to Amanda, startling her, asking for food. She was so frazzled that she couldn't figure out exactly what to give him. She gave him hard boiled eggs. But that was Saturday.

Today, after a night of coughing, crap sleep, and bizarre cat stuff along with some other tidbits, my shit-tolerance level is at zero. I'm also going to try to keep this as short as possible.

Post a lot of frustration, some tears, and internal struggle, I decided that it was in my best interest to quit the Wiccan Seminary I'd been going to. I'd with a couple of lessons, struggled with some structural and organizational elements, and the time I was spending on all of it. Worse, when I tried to not go to as much so I could spend more time with Amanda and do other things, I only felt guilty for not doing school stuff and couldn't enjoy anything else. I even felt guilty for not doing school related stuff on my birthday. That's unacceptable. Granted the guilt part is on me and that's something I fight with all the time, but I don't need one more thing to feel near crippling guilt over. 

Then one morning, at devotional, I was listening to the Charge of the Goddess and had a moment where I was swept up by a surge of "what the fuck am I doing? I'm wasting my time doing this instead of what I set out for myself to do this year". That's when everything exploded in my head. It took me several days of wrestling with my feelings, consideration, and a lot of discussion with Amanda before I emailed enrollment to withdraw. I thought, I can always go back. I can always hop on the sim for events put on by the school, even if I feel like an awkward outsider about it (again, that last part's most likely on me).  

Today, I'm not sure I want to return. I got online to check my school e-mail to see if I had any response or messages and I also wanted to check to see if I the work in my classes had been graded so I at least knew what I got. Only I couldn't and I'm a little pissed about it. It took my instructors sometimes several days to get back to me on homework questions, the dean a almost two weeks to answer a question, my supervisor for the scholarship work two weeks to get back to me about a concern and I didn't really fuss. As in, I only fussed to Amanda and a friend and not even that much, because I understand that people are busy and have lives. However, I send in an intention to withdraw on Friday and by Monday I am shut out cold. WOW, that's rude. I can still access my e-mail from SNHU and I graduated in 2016. Again, this is frustrating because there were things that I was enjoying. 

So, now that I have the majority of my days back, what am I going to do with them? Well, what I should have been doing. Unpacking and cleaning my house, writing, and exercising. I recently changed doctors again but I will talk about the outcome of that in my next post. I'll talk about my birthday weekend as well.

Other than that, I've been sick with something. I tried a nasal sinus rinse and a different cold medicine, both picked up from the health food store down the road. Those combined with tea have helped a lot. I'm still a little icky, but not nearly as bad I was. So yay there! 

Oh and my Mom and her older sister seem to still be doing well. 



Friday, February 23, 2018

I can't decide if I just don't like it or down right hate it.


I've always wondered what a live action Fullmetal Alchemist film would be like and was pretty beside myself with excitement when I heard there was going to be one. I mean aside from this world, there are only two other places I would rather be, Amestris (where Fullmetal Alchemist takes place) and Middle Earth. So, it was a pretty big deal. The trailers and ad posters looked good and so did the scant few blips I saw about the costumes. Still, this was a film that could encompass one or both of the anime series that were made, either of the animated films, or the games, the manga, and that's a lot of material. I didn't know what all was going to be in this live action rendition and I knew that whatever it was, there was going to have to be some room for error. I mean you can't really take 50+ episodes of an anime or volumes of manga and crunch it down into a 2 hour movie without having to cut some things. That's okay, it happens, and it is understandable. However...

I waited all day for Amanda to get home as soon as I knew it was on Netflix, which was hard because I was brimming with so much excitement I could hardly contain myself (this was internal, I had to play it cool on the outside). Then, I waited some more because we had some stuff to do that evening before we could finally sit down to watch it. We watched about an hour before having to turn it off, one because I was so tired that I had actually fallen asleep, and two because Amanda wasn't enjoying it and had to go to bed anyway because of work the next day.  

My first impressions were, "okay, they switched up some things in the timeline, it's fine I guess. Let's see what they do with it," and "wait, this is... this is... WTF?! This isn't right." And I went to bed a little disturbed and disappointed.

The next day I wrestled with whether or not I wanted to finish the film. But I finally broke down, watched the rest of it, and I just can't decide if I don't like or if I just hate it. Don't get me wrong, the costuming is beautiful and the graphics are amazing. Alphonse's design, Edward's Automail, Nina, and the details done on them and the alchemical processes are really stellar. However, the soundtrack falls short of that in the anime and other films. And I'm actually not happy with how they rearranged the timeline. I hate how they washed out Hawkeye's character, she's so much more bad ass and intimidating in the anime, manga, and animated films. They didn't play up her strengths at all. They created this weird, awkward tension between Roy and Hughes. The shit with Tucker and the drones was just that, shit. They tried to pull too much from different arcs that I didn't feel quite worked well enough, or perhaps they just didn't quite pull it off decently enough. It was a jumbled mess that if you haven't read the manga, or seen the anime, you wouldn't really get what the hell was going in, plus it was all rushed. And don't even get me started on the relationships. 

One of the things I loved most about Fullmetal Alchemist were the relationships between characters. You don't get that Colonel Roy Mustang actually truly loves the Elrics like sons or even little brothers and is in their corner, helping them, pushing them along toward their goal. All you see is an asshole being kind of hard on a couple of kids. You don't even get to see how bad ass Roy is or even how bad ass Edward is or the depth of his emotions and the pull of his relationships with others. You get the subtle moments of fondness between Roy and Hawkeye nor the deep loyalty she has toward him. You never see her dog, you never see other members of Roy's staff. Other important and pivitol characters are missing. You don't get to fall in love with Nina or even Hughes like you do in the anime and Manga and feel how utterly tragic their losses are, and even the Homunculi are shoddy. Worse, they pulled a theme from the first anime series about Lust into the film that seemed to be trying to follow stuff from the second series. Then, they left it open for second, which I seriously hope they don't make. 

In short, this movie dropped the ball on everything but graphics and costuming. The action wasn't even that great. I was left feeling that if I hadn't watched the anime, read some of the manga, and seen the animated movies, I wouldn't give a shit about seeking them out after watching this film, which is a true sadness and disservice to the creator of the FMA Universe, Hiromu Arakawa. 

Thursday, February 15, 2018

So I posted this on the wrong blog a couple of days a go, here's some of what's going on


Well now I'm just confused, timeline?, and tears I am waiting...
https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-k0vAAYlNnFM/WnyyizBFooI/AAAAAAAAFeQ/7_wM_FqLGmk4F3UC4p7Wr2dnJVccmeDUwCLcBGAs/s320/lord_of_the_rings.jpg

For the last two years I haven't been able to watch Lord of the Rings (all three extended edition) movies on Christmas. It's kind of a tradition. I tried to watch it on my birthday last year since I was recovering from surgery, but didn't actually get all three watched. Since I have been missing Middle Earth the last couple of days, I thought I should like to visit. It took 3 days before I finally was able to sit down and watch Fellowship of the Ring and not only did I have to watch it on Netflix because I was too tired to find the cables and hook up the blu ray player, I fell asleep before the end. I'm going to have to finish it today and I just might push the rest of this week's homework to tomorrow to do it. 

Lately, I have been so overwhelmed that I kind of gave up on just about everything. It's the house. It's stuff I've been trying to let go of that carried over from last year. It's that my in-laws are trying to be helpful by cleaning but not getting things clean, and they wouldn't feel the need to help out so much if I could stop being so overwhelmed that I didn't hide in the office all day or wasn't having fibro flare ups or jarring my back by simply bumping into things, or having dizzy spells even when I am sitting still . It's that I got online to find a calorie calculator to see if my doctor was bullshitting me on that I'm not eating enough to function. No, she isn't, so now I have to count calories to make sure that I eat enough, because lets be honest after having a therapist fat shame me, having friends preach advice at me, and not having control over my food off periodically, AND having stomach issues where I feel like I want to puke before and after eating, I actually became afraid to eat. I've pretty much eaten just enough to get by. I've had days where I can't seem to eat much of anything and then have a day where I eat too much, but those are few and far between. It's stupid all of this is stupid, and I'm just venting. 

So aside from all of that, my parents dropped a huge bomb on me last week and here it is Thursday and I still don't know what to do with it. Apparently my alcoholic cousin Tony not only has a smart phone but was cognizant enough to be able to use it for more than calling people recently. For whatever reason he went looking for our mothers' biological father and came across the man's obituary. My mother's bio-father died in 2015 in Arkansas. He was survived by his mother and his children Debra, Lisa, Laura, and Billy. It also mentions that he was a Jehovah's witness. 

WHAT?! 

What I have been told all my life was that my mother's father took off with Aunt Debra and at some point went to jail for stabbing a 17 yr old for pocket change. We didn't know if Aunt Debra was alive or dead. 

But did he really? Or was that something that Grandma Julie made up? Because things aren't tracking right in the timeline, as I understood it, from my Mom's childhood around that time. Apparently my Mom's Dad was the reason they moved from Kansas to Oklahoma. I guess Grandma Julie didn't want him taking away more of her kids, which makes sense considering that a previous husband took the kids they had together. But then how does my Mom's older sister Angie fit in and who was her Dad? I am so confused. I'm at the point where I am starting to think my Grandma Julie was nuts herself and am trying to figure out how she even came from my Great Grandparents because they were so down to earth and sane and well, normal.

All of that aside, my parents found my Aunt Debra on the internet and made contact with her. Apparently she's been looking for Mom and Aunt Laura for awhile. Mom said that when they talked on the phone, it was like they hadn't been apart for over 40 years and that Aunt Debra is not only sane but seems solid. They've been talking back and forth via texting and call each other. I found Aunt Debra on facebook and have messaged her a little. She wanted to plan when she flew up to see my Mom around when I could fly down. Since I can't do that right now, I told her not to wait on me, but go when it worked best for her. Eventually I will get back home to see everyone and maybe then, if she can make it, I will see her at that time. 

So yeah, that happened, and I still don't know what to make of it. I'm excited, but numb, and kind of hesitant as well. The last time my Mom had family she didn't know anything about, it was right before her Mom died. Then Grandma died and my Mom was giving them a lot of Grandma's stuff but while they were loading that stuff up, they helped themselves to some of Grandma's jewelry, some stuff my Mom wanted to keep, and also my mom's wedding rings, social security card, and driver's licence. You know because Mom always took her rings off to clean and left them next to her wallet. We were trying to get Grandma's mobile home cleaned out to sell it so we could pay her bills and whatnot and Mom had a migraine so Uncle James sent her home with us that night and Mom forgot that stuff. We came back the next morning and they were heading out. So, as you can imagine, with all that crap plus the crap I've dealt with from my Aunt Laura, and criminal activity of two of her children, and the people she's brought into the picture that I've had to deal with growing up, yeah, I'm just gonna see what happens.

NOTE: I finally finished Lord of the Rings.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

The antics of cats, small breakdown, and it really will take a few months


This morning I am cold, tired, and ache all over, but I've been up since 4:48 am and been semi productive. I've made coffee, had breakfast, and started working on school stuff. And, I've even given the cats a morning treat. Narcisa was so pleased with me she brought me her blue mouse toy. That's her baby. It has been lost for awhile but it appeared in our bedroom last night. I am taking that as progress that she's beginning to relax a little. She's been a bit wigged out since before our wedding and the new house has a lot of new sounds she's not used to. And, she's been moved twice, so I think she's a little worried this isn't home yet. But her ottoman is here, her kitty tree is here, and some of other furniture and items are slowly making it into the house. 

Thorin took to the house just fine and was playing with toys as soon as we put the paper Torrid bag we were keeping them in, out. He's pretty good about going to the bag, finding what he wants, playing with it, and promptly losing it under the sofa. He has his favorites, of course, and lately, he's bee bringing me a small orange puff ball around 1 am. It doesn't matter if I am asleep, he will paw at me to wake me up and then he drops his little puff ball in my hand or on the pillow next to me and wait for me to throw it. In other words, my cat plays fetch and does so better than most dogs I have met. However, last night I threw the ball and it went behind the bedroom door. Narcisa saw where it went and went after it, and then I think she hid it because I couldn't find it for him this morning and he wasn't able to find it last night. But at 4:48 this morning there was a blue puff ball on the pillow next to my head, so he must have given up and gone after the other one in the toy bag. 

Back to things slowly coming in to the house. We're going to have to have a garage sale... Unless I say screw it and just donate everything. Amanda's going to go through some records, we've been going through some manga and books- yeah, I said books, there are some I don't figure I will ever read again or haven't read and probably won't. I need to go through some cds. We've got some kitchen ware I need to go through, clothing, and other assorted sundries. Meanwhile...

I have been keep a look out at thrift stores for Avon's 1870 Cape Cod ruby dish set. So far I have the serving bowl and the little cream pitcher. I think they are beautiful! Actually, now that I think of it, I have been collecting these too,


I have four of the glasses and two of the dessert glasses from this particular line. No, wit, I have three glasses because a friend broke one when washing it when I had surgery last year. She was so upset, but it's just a glass and I am sure I can find another. What matters was that she wasn't hurt. 

I've also decided that my house is not going to be clean- not in the way I would like- until we are done moving stuff in and going through it, which is frustrating and takes a toll on me emotionally. But hey, I found my fucking tea kettle, so at least I can drink tea while I stare overwhelmed at the mess. 

On a final note, while we were pulling things out of the garage yesterday, I was looking through some scrabooking paper boxes for a certain paper book for a project I want to do, when I came across the book I got specifically for our wedding. Instantly I crumbled in a tear filled meltdown over the fact that I have very little photos from my wedding and those that I do have aren't very good, my parents were there and that still hurts, and Amanda's trying to make up for everything we didn't get to do at our wedding this summer, with a Black Moon Ball- which I will talk about later. And of course it didn't just stop there, my brain quite happily lept right off that cliff and went down an awful spiral. To be honest, I have suspected this was going to happen. I don't even think that twenty minutes sobbing in the garage was the full episode, I think that might have just been the precursor. I would rather that was all and that I was done with it and moving on, but if it isn't, well, it is what it is. I'll deal with it like I always do.