Monday, April 24, 2017

Of explosions, icky tummies, and trying not to fuck it up.

Well this alchemist has apparently hopped on the struggle bus and can't seem to drive it up and over the hill so she can coast down the falling action and resolution of her story. I'm in the final stretch. The main bad guy (who has been there in spirit and now in the flesh) has left his "Doll face" a nice surprise in her house and has come down her stairs. There was fire and then an explosion. But I claw for every single word. But I'll come back to that in a few moments. 

We never got to any of the writer's panels this weekend. Yesterday E. was really sick from Jet Lag. Today we went to Amanda's parent's house early to do all the laundry that we were backed up on. We have a small washer and dryer. They have a full sized one. Anyway, I ended up falling asleep to something Francis was watching, the British Wallander. I awoke to Midsomer Murders. I haven't seen much of the former and what I have seen was mostly the Swedish version. Of the latter, I really enjoy Midsomer Murders. It is something that we can watch with Amanda's parents that we can all agree on. I actually enjoy watching the British shows with Francis. Speaking of Francis, he was giving me shit today. I reminded him that I know where he sleeps.

Our friends Rachel and her boyfriend came over for dinner and we played a couple of games afterward. It fun and really nice. However, Amanda's been sick tonight. I'm really starting to worry about her. She'd thrown up in the middle of the night several times. I want to know if it really is heart burn or something else. I, on the other hand, have had issues of another icky tummy nature tonight. Not sure what that is about, unless I'm having trouble with milk. I had some today. Or maybe it was the deli food we had for lunch, either way, my stomach hasn't been happy with me. 

Back to the story struggles. Last night before another painful night in bed, I made myself a note:


That's so much easier said than done. But really, this draft is the bones. My editing process later will be the muscles and nerves because I will be editing and a friend will be reading it and I'll ask her for suggestions. Then another run through will be the flesh. But I suppose I'm afraid I'm going to fuck up the bones hence why I am struggling. I also don't want to screw up the bad guy. It is a fanfiction so it's not that important, but it still means something to me, so in a way, it matters. Still, I am excited and ready for this story to end. I'm not complaining or bitching, just kind of venting. I'm also writing a blog because some times if I write something else for a few minutes and then return to what I was working on- that's giving me trouble- I can pick it back up again and make some progress. 

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Bed, pants, and happy cats

A facebook friend of mind shared this and I nabbed it, because pretty!

Last night we picked Amanda's friend E. up from the airport. Along the way, Amanda was trying to wake up from her hour long nap of the sofa, and was a little crazy. She got mad at me because she had a laughing fit and then a cry fit and I asked her if I needed to take her to the hospital. she said when I have an issue like that, she at least offers me water first. LOL! We didn't have water and she's nuts. (Love you honey)

I have been laying down a lot more lately, on the sofa. However, with E's arrival, it was time to clear the clean laundry off our bed, change the sheets, and actually sleep in our bed. Oh my Gods! It hurt! I sleep on my side and half on my side-half on my stomach and oh boy, just laying down last night, my ribs were killing me. (I can't sleep on my back, it aggravates the herniated disk too much) This morning when I awoke, my ribs, lower back, and hip were really bad. I had to take a little extra time to try and stretch out and then I took an even longer shower than normal to get the muscles to loosen up. It sucked. I am not looking forward tonight 

Today we were supposed to go to a couple of writer's panels for the "Get Lit" festival put on by Eastern Washington University's Master's of Fine Arts program. Well, we were on our way and poor E. got so sick. So we turned around, stopped by a store to get some soup and us some frozen pizza along with something to nibble on the way home, and came back home. I'm totally okay with this, I'm tried and I hurt. 

Speaking of hurting, my stupid yoga pants seem to bother my stomach. The band is thicker than the bands on my leggings or my pants from Torrid and they put just enough pressure in just the right spots under my incisions that make me uncomfortable. This does not make me happy. I love my yoga pants and want to be able to wear them for when I start doing some exercises. 

Because we slept in our bedroom and in our bed last night, the cats were super happy! Thorin slept between Amanda and I all night and Narcisa had a great time sitting in the window and eating my hair. I have a chunk of bangs that's a little shorter than the rest. I can't believe cats can have pica! Ugh! No, really, she does. She tries to eat everything and its disturbing.   

Friday, April 21, 2017

The casual stroke, books, writing, and sobbing

Sometimes when I have trouble writing I turn to pinterest for inspiration. I happened upon this little gem which had me in a small giggle fit. No, that is not anything that Roy Mustang has said in Fullmetal Alchemist, someone over on Tumblr (that gross place I refuse to visit) made a ton of these little "texts" from Fullmetal alchemist. Some are meh, but some are really funny. 

I decided to reread books 1 & 2 of the Night Prince Series Jeaniene Frost wrote so everything would be fresh in my mind for books 3 & 4. Well, it took me a couple of days to read through book 1 simply because I was trying to write and was doing other things. Book 2 I plowed through in practically one day and I immediately started books 3, which I read half of yesterday afternoon. OH. MY. GODS! I literally could not stop reading until I felt the two main characters were in a good place. So much bad shit happened! It was so intense and heart breaking. I sobbed my eyes out in a couple of places. My skin crawled in others and now, I'm right along with the characters seeking revenge! 

But, I refuse to pick up the book despite it being mere inches from my fingertips, until I have written a good deal today. I got out a page or two last night but since we are having company fly in from Boston tonight, I want to get as much done as possible. As it stands my Oc's brother is being a total creeper and my Oc thinks she's losing it. 

Speaking of the brother- who is Zolf- that reminds me. Christine, since I am refusing to allow myself the distraction of facebook today, I saw your message about writing. Sometimes when I get stuck, I have to go write something else or write some bullshit nothing few pages just to get my brain working. If that doesn't work, then I force myself through it, no matter how frustrating or how long it takes me. I've basically been crawling through the last 15 pages all week.

I've cried for other reasons aside from book drama. The depression monster and I think that's about all I need to say about that for the moment. 

I spoke to my yesterday morning  and I think the next time I see her I am going to strangle her. Apparently she thinks she had a light stroke and that it was caused by the spikes in her blood pressure from all the uncontrollable limb jumping. Its possible, but what the fuck didn't they tell me sooner? And how the hell are are you just going to causally mention that in a conversation with your kid?! Then follow it up with, "I didn't want to panic and worry you, it's not like you can afford to come home every time something messes up with me."   No, I can't, but for fuck's sake, I at least deserve to know these things. Yes, Aunt Laura is literally dying. Yes, Grandpa is slowly wasting away from Alzhimers and because he won't eat. Yes, Grandma is in bad shape. Yes, Dad's not doing so great either. Yes, you (as in my mom) is a cluster-fuck of health issues and I have more than my share of shit going on too, but damn it, don't keep shit from me. I hate it and it's not fair! I don't keep anything from them. It's so frustrating!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

The depression monster and a dinner guest.

It's going to be one of those days. I've already had a panic attack about just going to a doctor's appointment. Which is stupid because I like my doctor but I just can't. In fact, my depression monster is kicking my ass today. So much so that I actually think I may need to go take a nap to reset myself. 

We're supposed to have a dinner guest tonight, a girl we met at one of grocery stores we frequent. She's a nice girl and wanted to know if we were pagan. Anyway, we invited her for for dinner and I think I am going to make a bbq meatloaf and cheesy scalloped potatoes to have with salad if we have it. If not, maybe some kind of veggie side. Surely I can get my stupid monster under control and the house picked up before 6 this evening. 

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Gothic Desk Organizer, I dyed my hands, and sleep

My desk is nearly always busy. I spend a lot of time at it and since it is also in the living room, sometimes it kind of becomes a catch all for random things. I got tired of constantly having to dig through my desk drawer to find flash drives and little notebooks and such, so I bought this little desk organizer thing pictured above from Amazon. I really liked the overall structure but didn't like that it was white. So, I painted it black with the intention of decorating it somehow.

I used some Halloween paper and Mod Podge to cover the bottom of the little drawer. 

I set a self adhesive plastic gem into the "gem setting" spot of this lovely pendant that I bought at Michael's awhile ago. Then I glued this sucker onto the front. I'd originally bought the pendant for Amanda but she said I could have it. I'm going to replace it as soon as we go to Michael's again.

This is the finished product. Oh, I painted it with black acrylic plain and did a matte Mod Podge Clear Acrylic Sealer. I added a couple more gems because I felt it needed a little something more.

Here it is on my desk with my various notebooks, some hand creme and chap stick. I love it!

Today, while I was waiting for the acrylic sealer to dry, we dyed Easter Eggs. It's tradition Amanda and I both grew up with in our respective christian families and it's just fun. Her parents also came over for lunch. It was a nice afternoon. I played with the easter egg dye, dying coffee filters, my hands, eggs, paper towels- Amanda's Dad told her to take the dye away from me three times. Normally it's her Dad telling me to take stuff away from her.

Last night I slept the first full night laying down where I didn't wake up with pain around or near my incisions. That's improvement. I did however wake up with my lower back hurting. But I cleaned a bit yesterday and we went to a couple of stores, so I walked a bit as well. It was bad enough that I bit the bullet and took a pain pill left over from my surgery. I've also sat with some heat on my back to help loosen the muscles. 

I was hoping to be finished with my fanfic this weekend but it looks like it's going to be a couple more days, perhaps a week.  I still have to edit it, but I know how it is going to end and ehm, my notes so far leave it open for a squeal.  

Friday, April 14, 2017

Neighbors, writing struggles, and musical zen,

Yesterday, I left to take a walk to my mail box. I was wearing my sun and moon leggings, a back dress that goes to my knees, and was carrying the lovely UV protection umbrella/parasol (I'm mildly allergic to the sun and some medication I am on makes me even more sensitive to sunlight) Amanda bought me for my birthday. All the neighbors who were waiting for the noon bus to pick up their kids at the corner stared at me. I had a little giggle. It's almost as if they've never seen a fat goth before. LOL actually, come to think of it. I don't think many of them have ever seen me period. I haven't exactly gone out much except to get the mail or go straight to the car since living here. I don't hang out with my neighbors. 

Speaking of my neighbors, I heard someone say "fuck off" really loudly outside my patio door last night and since I was up, I opened the curtain to see a woman walking away from a cop who was shining a flash light at her. I closed the curtain and went back to my business. In all reality she was probably drunk or something.

I slept a bit yesterday. It was good and I actually laid down for a bit with no problems. That's improvement. However, I was having a bad day emotionally. Not sure what set it off but I remember sitting at my desk, trying to write the last chapter I was working on while crying. I thought, I have nearly 400 pages, I'm struggling with this story and don't know why since I know where I want to go- more or less- with it, but it's nearly 400 pages of fanfiction, which means that when I do get it finished it is not publishable nor was it ever meant to be. But that made me a little sad. I feel pulled to work on other stories, but I have denied those urges because I have this terrible problem of not finishing projects and I am damned determined to see this one through to the end. It's a matter of proving to myself that I can. It is also a matter of me seeing if I can write period, which after yesterday's ugly cry fest, I felt less than mediocre. 

I e-mail Amanda at work and told her I was having a terrible day and we decided not to worry about cooking and went to Ron's Burgers, a local business near our house. I didn't want to go in, so we did the drive thru and came home. We both fell asleep watching Ab Fab but I woke sometime around eight and finished a movie I'd started several days ago. Then I moved over to my computer to pick up the writing work again. Except I didn't get much writing done last night because I spent about two and half hours listening to various music on youtube. I was all over the place. Halsey, Lady Gaga, the 69 Eyes. I stumbled across two new artists that seem interesting.

I'm guessing Kerli just might be pagan. Don't know, but there is some interesting imagery in the video.

Eivor was interesting, wasn't on the same heavy bass and epic level of music I seemed to have favored last night but maybe that's what made it so appealing. 

I, of course went for a favorite from Gackt. I love his voice! He's pretty too, but really, I just love listening to him sing. 

I learned about Nathan Lanier while listening to my Two Steps from Hell Station on Pandora. I love this song so much. He's definitely becoming a new favorite for epic music to write to.

Anyway, I relaxed a bit while listening to music, let myself get lost in a lot of it, and it was very much a kind therapy or meditative sort of thing. I felt a little better afterword, enough that I was able to finish the short chapter I was working on. 

I've started a small project, since I listen to music while writing, to write down songs that evoke certain emotions or have some reference to an element, such as water or fire. I'm trying to assemble an "elemental" playlist of sorts for a a story I'm going to be writing soon. One of the songs I found, which I think might actually fit the story really well is this one by Seabound, called Scorch the Ground.


It is so weird to think that I first heard this song a decade ago. 

Well, I since I was up all night again and am hurting a bit today, I am going to go lie down with a book with the hopes of crashing out soon.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Of Boobs, Tears, and Spiders and Vindaloo

Pardon me while I have what my friend Tsuki calls a "lady boner" over Cate Blanchett playing Hela in the upcoming Thor 3 movie! I've always loved her and she became my Elven Queen in Lord of the Rings. I am so excited to see her in this roll, not because I've read the comics- because I haven't- but because she'll be playing what looks to be a villain. Ehm, she's freaking hot!

Prior to my hysterectomy, I had been trying to adjust to my "new normal" frequently. Now, life has giving me the opportunity to do so yet again with the surgery and the resulting aftermath. This morning, as Amanda was leaving, I broke out into tears because I miss one of our friends dearly. This friend is super busy a good deal of the time and while we both completely understand that and never want to become a source of strain, we've really been feeling her absence. 

Anyway, I figured that crying episode was in part because I was up all night writing. I seemed to get a second and then third wind. My stomach was bothering me from the chicken Vindaloo I'd made for dinner- the spiciness of which was on par with my mother's what I consider hell fire chili. When Amanda says it's spicy, you know you're going to experience it again later. I don't think my stomach has quite recovered. My body aches incessantly. Not the sharp pains or intense make you want to vomit kind of pain. No, this is a dull incessant, not quite bad enough to make you take a full on pain pill, but just enough to constantly drive you nuts. Worse, my breasts have decided to hop on the bandwagon. 

I knew I was in trouble this morning, apart from the crying and aches and pains, when I hallucinated a spider crawling long my arm but didn't feel it. I also had a good deal of trouble moving about. I decided to make some coffee and something to easy for breakfast. I ate, I drank a cup of coffee and this cherry and chia seed juice drink, then sat on the sofa with my feet up. I know drinking a cup of coffee seems counter productive, but sometimes when I am really tired, if I drink a cup, the crash helps me go to sleep easier. 

While I did get to sleep, my bastard cat, Thorin, woke me up 3 1/2 hours later. I thought he was hungry. Nope, Amanda fed the kitties before heading out to work this morning. He wanted attention and insisted I pet him. I wanted to strangle him. Now he's sleeping on the cat tower with Narcisa and all I want to do is get the squirt bottle and spray the hell out of him. I can't go back to sleep because the twins will be here in an hour or so. We are taking them to the bus station tonight so they can go on to Seattle for Sakura Con. I also need to do the dishes so I can cook dinner tonight and pick up the living room a little bit. Because I still haven't been able to lay down to sleep, Amanda has been sleeping on the sofa off and on to be near me. I need to fold our blankets, pull the sheet and pillow off to make room for our guests. I kind of just want to curl up and read or watch tv.

While I promised my parents I would read Monster Hunter International by Larry Correia and it is entertaining, I am crawling through that novel. I don't know what it is. I like it well enough, but I don't know, all the gun specs have me stopping to look them up so I know what the hell the character(s) are talking about. I can't help myself because I do like guns and I find it fascinating. But it slows down the reading and I'm not quite as into it as my parents are. However, it is giving me a genuine look into a kind of how should I put this, dumb, hopeless puppy dog, kind of chasing after some girl, that I haven't read before. Which is helpful for when I decide, if I decide to write a character like that. So I will never say the reading has been a waste of time. 

But I have been wanting to finish out Jeannine Frost's Night Prince series for awhile now. Since it has been a while since I read the first and second book, I decided to reread them so they are fresh in my mind as I move into the third and forth, final book. I know I am going to be so sad when the four books ends. I love this Vlad, he's such an ass but a fun ass! Aside from blatant attraction, I think if he were real, he would be a fun friend to have, a scary one of course- he is dangerous- but fun none the less.