Thursday, February 15, 2018

So I posted this on the wrong blog a couple of days a go, here's some of what's going on

Well now I'm just confused, timeline?, and tears I am waiting...

For the last two years I haven't been able to watch Lord of the Rings (all three extended edition) movies on Christmas. It's kind of a tradition. I tried to watch it on my birthday last year since I was recovering from surgery, but didn't actually get all three watched. Since I have been missing Middle Earth the last couple of days, I thought I should like to visit. It took 3 days before I finally was able to sit down and watch Fellowship of the Ring and not only did I have to watch it on Netflix because I was too tired to find the cables and hook up the blu ray player, I fell asleep before the end. I'm going to have to finish it today and I just might push the rest of this week's homework to tomorrow to do it. 

Lately, I have been so overwhelmed that I kind of gave up on just about everything. It's the house. It's stuff I've been trying to let go of that carried over from last year. It's that my in-laws are trying to be helpful by cleaning but not getting things clean, and they wouldn't feel the need to help out so much if I could stop being so overwhelmed that I didn't hide in the office all day or wasn't having fibro flare ups or jarring my back by simply bumping into things, or having dizzy spells even when I am sitting still . It's that I got online to find a calorie calculator to see if my doctor was bullshitting me on that I'm not eating enough to function. No, she isn't, so now I have to count calories to make sure that I eat enough, because lets be honest after having a therapist fat shame me, having friends preach advice at me, and not having control over my food off periodically, AND having stomach issues where I feel like I want to puke before and after eating, I actually became afraid to eat. I've pretty much eaten just enough to get by. I've had days where I can't seem to eat much of anything and then have a day where I eat too much, but those are few and far between. It's stupid all of this is stupid, and I'm just venting. 

So aside from all of that, my parents dropped a huge bomb on me last week and here it is Thursday and I still don't know what to do with it. Apparently my alcoholic cousin Tony not only has a smart phone but was cognizant enough to be able to use it for more than calling people recently. For whatever reason he went looking for our mothers' biological father and came across the man's obituary. My mother's bio-father died in 2015 in Arkansas. He was survived by his mother and his children Debra, Lisa, Laura, and Billy. It also mentions that he was a Jehovah's witness. 


What I have been told all my life was that my mother's father took off with Aunt Debra and at some point went to jail for stabbing a 17 yr old for pocket change. We didn't know if Aunt Debra was alive or dead. 

But did he really? Or was that something that Grandma Julie made up? Because things aren't tracking right in the timeline, as I understood it, from my Mom's childhood around that time. Apparently my Mom's Dad was the reason they moved from Kansas to Oklahoma. I guess Grandma Julie didn't want him taking away more of her kids, which makes sense considering that a previous husband took the kids they had together. But then how does my Mom's older sister Angie fit in and who was her Dad? I am so confused. I'm at the point where I am starting to think my Grandma Julie was nuts herself and am trying to figure out how she even came from my Great Grandparents because they were so down to earth and sane and well, normal.

All of that aside, my parents found my Aunt Debra on the internet and made contact with her. Apparently she's been looking for Mom and Aunt Laura for awhile. Mom said that when they talked on the phone, it was like they hadn't been apart for over 40 years and that Aunt Debra is not only sane but seems solid. They've been talking back and forth via texting and call each other. I found Aunt Debra on facebook and have messaged her a little. She wanted to plan when she flew up to see my Mom around when I could fly down. Since I can't do that right now, I told her not to wait on me, but go when it worked best for her. Eventually I will get back home to see everyone and maybe then, if she can make it, I will see her at that time. 

So yeah, that happened, and I still don't know what to make of it. I'm excited, but numb, and kind of hesitant as well. The last time my Mom had family she didn't know anything about, it was right before her Mom died. Then Grandma died and my Mom was giving them a lot of Grandma's stuff but while they were loading that stuff up, they helped themselves to some of Grandma's jewelry, some stuff my Mom wanted to keep, and also my mom's wedding rings, social security card, and driver's licence. You know because Mom always took her rings off to clean and left them next to her wallet. We were trying to get Grandma's mobile home cleaned out to sell it so we could pay her bills and whatnot and Mom had a migraine so Uncle James sent her home with us that night and Mom forgot that stuff. We came back the next morning and they were heading out. So, as you can imagine, with all that crap plus the crap I've dealt with from my Aunt Laura, and criminal activity of two of her children, and the people she's brought into the picture that I've had to deal with growing up, yeah, I'm just gonna see what happens.

NOTE: I finally finished Lord of the Rings.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

The antics of cats, small breakdown, and it really will take a few months

This morning I am cold, tired, and ache all over, but I've been up since 4:48 am and been semi productive. I've made coffee, had breakfast, and started working on school stuff. And, I've even given the cats a morning treat. Narcisa was so pleased with me she brought me her blue mouse toy. That's her baby. It has been lost for awhile but it appeared in our bedroom last night. I am taking that as progress that she's beginning to relax a little. She's been a bit wigged out since before our wedding and the new house has a lot of new sounds she's not used to. And, she's been moved twice, so I think she's a little worried this isn't home yet. But her ottoman is here, her kitty tree is here, and some of other furniture and items are slowly making it into the house. 

Thorin took to the house just fine and was playing with toys as soon as we put the paper Torrid bag we were keeping them in, out. He's pretty good about going to the bag, finding what he wants, playing with it, and promptly losing it under the sofa. He has his favorites, of course, and lately, he's bee bringing me a small orange puff ball around 1 am. It doesn't matter if I am asleep, he will paw at me to wake me up and then he drops his little puff ball in my hand or on the pillow next to me and wait for me to throw it. In other words, my cat plays fetch and does so better than most dogs I have met. However, last night I threw the ball and it went behind the bedroom door. Narcisa saw where it went and went after it, and then I think she hid it because I couldn't find it for him this morning and he wasn't able to find it last night. But at 4:48 this morning there was a blue puff ball on the pillow next to my head, so he must have given up and gone after the other one in the toy bag. 

Back to things slowly coming in to the house. We're going to have to have a garage sale... Unless I say screw it and just donate everything. Amanda's going to go through some records, we've been going through some manga and books- yeah, I said books, there are some I don't figure I will ever read again or haven't read and probably won't. I need to go through some cds. We've got some kitchen ware I need to go through, clothing, and other assorted sundries. Meanwhile...

I have been keep a look out at thrift stores for Avon's 1870 Cape Cod ruby dish set. So far I have the serving bowl and the little cream pitcher. I think they are beautiful! Actually, now that I think of it, I have been collecting these too,

I have four of the glasses and two of the dessert glasses from this particular line. No, wit, I have three glasses because a friend broke one when washing it when I had surgery last year. She was so upset, but it's just a glass and I am sure I can find another. What matters was that she wasn't hurt. 

I've also decided that my house is not going to be clean- not in the way I would like- until we are done moving stuff in and going through it, which is frustrating and takes a toll on me emotionally. But hey, I found my fucking tea kettle, so at least I can drink tea while I stare overwhelmed at the mess. 

On a final note, while we were pulling things out of the garage yesterday, I was looking through some scrabooking paper boxes for a certain paper book for a project I want to do, when I came across the book I got specifically for our wedding. Instantly I crumbled in a tear filled meltdown over the fact that I have very little photos from my wedding and those that I do have aren't very good, my parents were there and that still hurts, and Amanda's trying to make up for everything we didn't get to do at our wedding this summer, with a Black Moon Ball- which I will talk about later. And of course it didn't just stop there, my brain quite happily lept right off that cliff and went down an awful spiral. To be honest, I have suspected this was going to happen. I don't even think that twenty minutes sobbing in the garage was the full episode, I think that might have just been the precursor. I would rather that was all and that I was done with it and moving on, but if it isn't, well, it is what it is. I'll deal with it like I always do. 

Friday, January 26, 2018

Just want so much water, hard to keep my eyes open.

 Well that's new, I unplugged the power cord to my laptop and the screen went black. It comes back on when I plug it back in. I think I am going to unplug it tonight and just let the laptop power all the way down and see how it does in the morning. 

I'm finding it difficult to keep my eyes open and n fact, it's easier to keep the closed. This morning I awoke with an awful headache and while the head ache has slowly ebbed away, the soreness in my eyes, the heaviness of them, and the loud siren song of sleep never left. I did nap for most of the afternoon and evening. Amanda and I watched a movie, ate dinner, and then watched two episodes of Bill Nye: Saves the World. I want to go to bed but I am waiting on Amanda to get out of the shower. I need help putting the sheets on the bed because I just don't think I have the energy to do it myself and I need someone to make sure I don't just lay down and sleep.

I'm also very thirsty. I want to drink water until I can't drink any more but at the same time, I know that isn't healthy and I know it would only lead to me being up and down all night having to pee. Given how tired I am, I really don't want to be going up and down to stairs all night or worse, sleep on the sofa. But I don't just want to drink water. I want to lay in it. I've wanted to find a nice  cool pool to lay in and just float for awhile. I've wanted to swim at  leisure and even do laps.  

Sounds like Amanda is finished with her shower. Time for bed   

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Revamping the goals, new cell phone, and I did some scary shit!

I've been perusing Pinterest for craft ideas, d.i.y. projects, and art I'd like to get for the house. This is one of those "oooo, pretty, maybe, yes?" pieces that I've been ogling and strangely enough it kind of fits with something we talked about in class: shielding. Those who are familiar with chakras will see the color and probably get where my head went in regards to correlation. But enough about that and on to the rest. 

I finally have a new cell phone! I told my Dad to take me off the family plan and then told him about the deal Metro PCS is running. I'd really wanted to stay with T-mobile, I've been with them since high school but they just cost too much. Amanda had been grandfathered in on a cheaper plan from when she started 10 years ago, and adding me would have taken her out of that and jacked up her rate over double. However, Metro had a get 2 phones and two line plan with a data cap for 60 dollars. They did have the same deal with unlimited data for 80 dollars, but we don't use that much data. I mean, on my Dad's family plan that had him, my mom, and me, we never even touched the 2 gig mark. So, yeah, new phone, new number, decent rate, and I can actually use apps on it! Speaking of which, I had to remove the 'planetary times' app (I was curious how that all worked) when it went off and scared the crap out of me. 

I've had to revamp my goals list. There is an assignment for school in which I need to make 12 goals, 1 for each astrological sign, and plant seeds to watch them grow. I didn't have 12 goals and more importantly they didn't all fit into the type of goals for each sign. Redoing them was relatively easy but I am going to have to find another avenue of 'planting' them. I know the idea is to watch them grow/develop throughout the year, but anything I plant will have to be started inside and well, I have three determined and crafty cats in the house who like to get into things. The watching them part will just have to be through my own observations, which I think I can handle. When I get done with my "planting" part, I'll probably post the new goals as another form of "planting" which I like to think is also accountability. 

So, I did some scary shit recently. We are apparently supposed to lead at least one devotional before we can progress to the next grade level. I had been thinking about possibly volunteering, but I had been under them impression that it was only an upper classmen sort of role until the devo lead popped into one of my classes and was looking for volunteers. Well, I was 'interviewed' and approved, added to the devo lead list, given all the scripts to practice, and shown how to do all the technical stuff. No one is leading tomorrow morning... or rather they weren't and now I am. And I signed up for all the Wednesdays beginning in late March. I don't know if I am going to do any in the evening or not, I kind of want evenings with Amanda as much as possible since before I started school, I'd already felt like I didn't get enough face to face time with her.  We will see. As of right now, I'm hoping I don't over sleep. I hope I get enough sleep and I hope I don't mess up. Those who show up for morning devotional will hear me though the computer, its kind of scary.  

Following that, I also sent off an e-mail tonight to someone who handles I guess the editing and writing stuff for the pagan online magazine. Scholarship students can apparently do their service hours doing stuff in that regard. But, even if I don't get approved for any of that, I at least want to see if I can submit some pagan geared short stories and or poems. That in and of itself is stepping out of my comfort zone. 

Okay, the cats are fussing that its way passed bedtime and I need to get Miss Snorealax to bed. Amanda is sleeping on the guest bed here in the office, waiting for me to finish up for the night.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Goals for 2018, update, and disaster phone and tears.

Found this awesome picture over at The Latest Kate on Facebook.

This morning has been relatively quiet in our house, of course now that I have said that, the in-laws will appear from the basement, and it will be noisy until they decide to leave, but that's okay. I am ready for it. I think. LOL! I've a little bit to share today, so I'm going to keep things as short as possible. 

First, the cell phone arrived and I am shipping right back to the seller. We've already put in for our refund because that piece of shit was unacceptable. Advertised as new, we received what looked to either be someone's trade in or a stolen phone. The screen was shattered, the sides dinged up, and not even the right screen protector sticker on the front. the sticker was for another brand of phone. On top of that, the box it came in said the phone was white, it was black. And there was a new charger inside so I know the seller had to have looked at it and just didn't care. Guess again. But what is strange is that the seller was Samsung on Amazon. 

Amanda and I both need new phones and as much as I would like to stay with T-Mobile (My Dad and I have been loyal customers since I was in high school), Metro PCS has some better deals on their plans and we'd get two new, free phones. But, we will see. So for the time being, I am still without a cell phone. 

Second, we're still going, going, going. Despite being home most days, we've had some friends over, a couple stayed the weekend this weekend, and one stayed over because we are closer to her work and the roads were shit. One of Amanda's Aunt's came to stay the night too. We've also, finally, gotten all of her parents stuff moved over from Idaho. Of course the unpacking is slow going with me doing school again, with the recent string of bad pain days, and trying to get things settled. 

Speaking of unpacking and trying to get things settled, I have most of the kitchen unpacked and put away. But I'm running into wall a little bit because I have our things and Amanda's parent's things. I don't have room for both. We have to go through all of it, decide what Cathy wants to keep and pack it away for the garage, and I will probably get rid of the stuff that doesn't work for us any more.  And on that note, Amanda and I dug several book boxes out from the garage. She did most of the carrying in and unpacking. We put the manga in the living room on one side of the fire place and will be placing the pagan books on the other. Paperbacks and hardbacks of fiction and some non-fiction went up to our bedroom and reference, language, and writing books went to the office/guest room. we're going through them to see if there are some we want take to a thrift store or a book exchange place. We have some touch ups to do in the living and dining room as far as painting goes, but we haven't really found the time or energy for that, plus, anytime we get a minute, we're asses on sofa, taking time to relax. We will get to it. 

School is going well. The actual class time and the time it takes me to do homework aren't that long, what takes the most time are the 15 hours a week that I have to do at the help desk and giving tours of the school on Second Life. It's how I earn my full scholarship. I don't mind doing it, I actually enjoy it, and there are long periods where no one is around so I can do homework, all I have to do is keep an eye out for anyone coming on screen or "into the lobby". 

Apart from all that, I wanted to share some goals I've made for myself this year. I've got a lot I want to do and some will get done in time, some I can start on now. 

1.  Get the house settled
2. Start saving for the things we want to do and repairs to the house
3. Set up the office
4. Set up my Vanity area
5. Work on the front and back yards
6. Finish the living and dining room
7. Get my ass writing again
8. Get reading more
9. Craft time
10. Start a Vlog (I've been talking about doing this for awhile, time to just do it)
11. Have more alone time with Amanda.

Lastly, my depression is getting interesting. I've been having episodes of crying and I'm not sure why. Perhaps its the tension trying to release in a new way. Doing morning devotionals with the school is helping a little, but I've had more panic attacks in the last couple of months than usual, which I don't like. I am hoping things will even out or get back to my "normal" soon.  

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Hospital, homework, and home

Happy Thorin

You'll have to forgive me, I don't have any photos of the house yet, it's not put together much less completely unpacked. We've been a bit tired and run down, everything is catching up to us and we've slowed down a good deal. Things are coming in from the garage to be unpacked pretty much one box at a time. It is what I can manage. But even that has been pretty slow because we haven't figured out where to put everything or don't have certain things set up just yet. It will happen when it happens. I'm hoping I'll get a little more pep in my step after a couple of days, but we will see. 

Homework is going well, so far. My text book just arrived so I have a bit of reading to do today and tomorrow. I need to do an assignment in grounding today and then write about my experience. The tech we use for school is interesting. We use Skype for business, Second Life, Moodle (which is just like Blackboard), and Office 365. I really didn't know if I was going to like Second Life, but its actually kind fun and a brilliant way for the school to bring all the students and teachers together- give us faces and voices to names. Well, we all have avatars and I am sure not all of us look like them- I certainly don't, but still. 

Anyway, aside from that I've asked a couple of friends who are going to the school as well, if we wanted to do a study group. At the moment, it's set for Friday mornings and I am excited to see how all of us approach our lessons. One of the ladies coming is a year ahead of the other girl and I but she's taking a World Religion class and I'm looking forward to seeing what she says about it. 

Okay, on to the hospital. I drove myself to a smaller emergency room in my local area yesterday while Amanda was at work. My right leg has been bothering me lately. At first I thought it was because of how I have been sitting, or maybe even that I aggravated my old shin splints, but when I rubbed my shin, I found a warm spot and under it what felt like a knot and that hurt to touch. I gave it a little time to see if it would go away but it didn't. Since one of my Grandma's died of a blood clot and I'm not taking blood pressure meds, I thought I better be safe than sorry, and get it checked out. My ultra sound looked great, no blood clots, and they checked both legs. As far as the lump in the leg, well the doctor isn't quite sure what it is, could be a nasty knot in the muscle or a cyst. He sent me home with instructions to ice it frequently and get in touch with my primary doctor to let her know what's going on.  

Other than that, we've explored our new area a little bit, discovered a store called Hobby Town USA that looks to have a ton of games inside, and went out last night for a friend's birthday. We met up at a place downtown called Sushi Sakai. The sushi was delicious! I had Inari, Miso soup, and a Avocado, beet, and daikon radish roll.  I keep forgetting how filling sushi is. After that, we walked down the street to the Piano Bar where they had a 'Dueling Pianos" event going on. Two guys were taking requests and playing pianos opposite each other. It was a lot of fun and once again I was reminded why the hell we don't go out to bars. Drinks were crazy expensive! Amanda and I had a shot, got one for a friend, and then we split a disappointingly small martini concoction. We spent 40 dollars. That's nuts! But we did have fun and I certainly hope our friend had a nice birthday. It was also the birthday of an older Asian lady. She reminded me a bit of my Mom when my Mom has had a bit to drink. Her birthday request was an Elton John song and she danced and played a cow bell. She was so adorable and fun! 

Well, I've put homework off long enough. I'm still playing catch up on everyone's blogs, but I am getting there. Oh, and Amanda got a cell phone ordered for me. It is on the way!    


Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Long time no see, I'm busy, but I am back!

It's been awhile. Not having a home whether it be apartment, house, or what have you, really took its toll on me. It took a toll on Amanda as well. We sofa hopped between two friend's house and her parents'.  Things were especially hard when we weren't with the cats. And, we were busy. Amanda was working, we were looking at houses and signing documents, shopping, helping with the family Xmas party, and really the list goes on. Then there was the signing and closing of our house and the big move! We are exhausted. We have a lot of stuff still to do, for instance, we need to finish painting. But I am getting ahead of myself.

The photo above is a picture of our little house. When my parents showed my Grandma, she said it looks like a Ginger Bread house. I suppose it does. It has a bedroom upstairs. Living, dinning, small kitchen and bath with a small bedroom are on the main floor. The basement is partial finished with a family room, an extra bedroom, laundry area and small storage area. The house itself is 81 years old and has good bones, an old coal shoot that's been sealed off, and a small entry way. Oh we have a garage and a nice, small, back yard. We're planning to do a  little gardening this year, if we can manage it. There are a lot of little things to fix within the house; a lot of big things too. We'll need to replace the washer and dryer- we can get some at the ding and dent center. We'll also need a lawn mower- can pick one up from a thrift store, hopefully. And we will need a garden hose. Our bathroom needs a little work, we need to paint some more, fix the broken window sills, and repair the stair rails for both sets of stairs. Eventually we will tear out the stairs and build new, redo the bathroom, and Amanda would like to build onto the back of the house to give me a bigger kitchen.  It will take us years, I expect. But first, I'm cleaning out cabinets, tearing out the old contact paper, and putting fresh down so that I may feel secure in knowing there is a clean place for my dishes. 

There was a great deal of stress before and during the move. There is still a lot of stress. I think we are trying to settle in and having trouble doing so. Point of fact, we have to unpack and arrange our house, do minor repairs, and we are simply and utterly exhausted. Amanda parents aren't even fully moved in. They are living in the basement. Her Mom is sick and her Dad is not exactly the most helpful of people, certainly a grump, but still lovable. Sorry, I'm a bit numb and tried, and well exhausted and my day has hardly begun. I have the first tinges of being sick and that's kind of pissing me off.

In other news, my Grandma turned 90 this December 1st. Then she tripped in her bedroom and fell, breaking her shoulder blade and three of her upper ribs. My parents have been staying with them to help around the house and help Grandma with things, mostly Grandpa. One of the jobs my parents took care of for my Grandparents this weekend was to cut wood and pile it near the back door. Grandma needed to be able to get to it easier for when they aren't there. Anyway, they worked for two hours and got at least a cord of wood cut. However, Dad also almost cut my Mom's hand off with the chain saw. He got a little close and thankfully, only nicked the back of her hand. She is okay and Grandma sewed up the glove, but my Dad is a little stressed, I could tell, even though he didn't say it. My parents are tired too. We've all just been going and going and going. Apparently my Aunt Laura isn't doing so well either. 

On top of that, we've had a broken toilet, which is thankfully now fixed, since it is the only one in the house. (We plan to put in a second one in the basement) And my cell phone died. Literally.  It has had problems for awhile and I have been patient with it. But last week it decided to fight me when I tried to charge it. Then one day, it simply wouldn't turn on or charge at all. Well, I bought it refurbished and had it for two years. It is time to take it to be recycled and order a new one. We can't do that just yet, we have to wait until Amanda gets paid again. I don't mind that much. 

In all of this you'd think I could be content to try to work on the house, unpack, and recuperate, get some writing done, but I decided to go back to school again. No, it's not a creative writing MFA, although I would like to pursue that eventually. I am attending the Woolston-Steen Wiccan Seminary.  I've been thinking about this for a while, a couple of years actually. Tuition is much cheaper than I thought it was going to be and I got a full scholarship in turn for service. So, I work for the school for 15 hours a week in lieu of paying tuition and if and when I am able to pay it myself, I will do so. They also have a sliding payment scale. anyway, my classes begin January 2nd and I am looking forward to them. I don't get to take an elective class until after my 30 day probationary period, but that's okay with me. 

All right, that's about all I can manage today. I have a list of stuff to do today and its looking like I may need a nap somewhere in there. Pictures of the inside of the house will come eventually. I'm not sure where my camera is and we're not unpacked and settled yet. It will take me some time, but I am hoping to get caught up on blog reading as well. I've missed you guys.