Friday, October 6, 2017

Shit heads, kicked out of bed, and good news, finally!

First I'd like to point out that my darling fiance is a bitch. She's happily, loudly, snoring the night away, cozy, and smack dab in the middle of our bed. She got testy with me when I asked her to turn over. Then the next thing I know she's facing me again and gradually pushing me out of the bed. Fine, I'll just go sit on the sofa,, which is where I am. I've only been here since about 3:30 am, wide awake, peckish, and thinking about turning to coffee pot on- since I apparently don't get to sleep. 

Second, the apartment twats strike again. The renovation noise was pretty bad yesterday but I only have to put up with it in the afternoon. They turned off the stair well lights so our entry way is dark, okay no big deal, I guess. But what kind of pissed me off yesterday was the note on my door about cigarette butts littering the stair well that they say clean up or get a 25 dollar fine. The letter was addressed to everyone but only my door received it. 1. Not all of those are mine. 2. I am getting to it but I'm kind of in the middle of moving, because you are kicking me out. 3. Go fuck yourself. They just want more money. They also know that we are pretty tidy with the outdoor stuff, our patio is damned cute. Also, all those cigarette butts at the entrance to our stairwell was from me sweeping them up from the parking lot in the first place. I just got distracted and forgot to grab a bag to put them in for the trash. I've kind of been uber stressed out the last several months, I'm not always on top of everything. The really vindictive side of me wants to sweep up our entire section's parking lot, wait until we move out a couple of weeks and then slip in sometime in November to dump them all on the office door step. However, I won't  because it's not management who will have to clean it up, it the maintenance guys.

There is good news. My friend Rachel bleached and dyed my hair last night. I was going for a darker blue ombre look. The sapphire blue didn't really come out as dark as it was supposed to and I need to do a little touch up for missed spots, I just decided that I am going to take what is left of the sky blue and do an all over application today. I'll catch the missed spots and even out what sort of took and what didn't. I also think that for this ombre effect to really work, with the blue that is, I need get my blues farther apart in color. As in do really dark, a medium, and a really light. I think I got them too close together. No big, it was a learning experience. I'm just happy to have all blue hair again. 

The best piece of good news, and one that makes me feel a large sense of relief, is that we were pre-approved for a home loan yesterday. Our lender is such a nice guy and he is going to send me a list of realtors that his company works with. After talking with some friends who have been through the home buying process, that seems to work the best because both entities know each other's process and can help us fast track when we find a home we like.  

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Explosion, meltdown, thank the gods for Amanda and friends

The last couple of months have difficult and stressful, I've whined, ranted, and bitched enough about on this blog for everyone who reads it to have a very clear picture. 

Well, I have been trying really hard to hold it together, to get things done, and push myself into a positive- more happy state of mind. Amanda is having a hard time too and I want to support her 100% especially because she does so much and works so hard. Try as I could, bits of crying and doom and gloom eked out. It eked out of her too and yesterday I lost it. 

I awoke feeling awful, in pain, and ready to cry the moment I opened my eyes. We watched some anime for a an hour and tried to get started with the house- since it was Amanda's day off after working 8 in a row. Well, neither of us were doing so great and so we were slow to get going. It didn't help that they've already started tearing up the apartment above us there were constant loud bangs, thumps, and stomping. It was starting to drive me nuts. So I left to go get our marriage licence while Amanda began getting the living room ready to move our bed into it. We want to use our bedroom to put all the packed boxes in so they are out of the way. 

Anyway, I drove all the way downtown and when I arrived I realized that Amanda needed to be with me and that I didn't have change for the parking meter. On top of that it seemed like a lot of people were driving erratically n the highway. Which, really doesn't help the dream like feeling I was experiencing. The drive home wasn't good and the closer I got to home, the more angry I became. Stop and go traffic on the highway with people zipping in and out around me doesn't ever help that situation.  

When I finally got in the apartment, I told Amanda not to freak out I needed to scream. Then I just let it out. I realized after that the windows were open and that I'd freaked out the cats. The cats I cared about the neighbors can go fuck themselves. But that seemed to have been the tipping point because I began crying and couldn't stop. It got bad, really bad. I don't know what it is that happens in my brain when I slip into a sobbing session like that, what it is that makes me kind of half panic, but I start scratching. I had chewed my fingernails down just in case, but that didn't seem to matter. I was still scratching a little. Amanda sat me down and held my hands and talked to me, helped me remember to breathe. After awhile I calmed down enough to get up and go to the bathroom.

While I was in there, the panic started to ramp up again but I kind of went half numb. It was very weird. I hear Amanda call her Mom and hear her crying. She was so upset. This is supposed to be a happy time, we're getting married, its shouldn't be like this- this is what I can remember- and at that point everything bottomed out. I can't stand to hear her cry like that. I can't stand for her to be that upset, hurting this much.  I just. I have a problem with self harm. I never attack anyone else, just myself. I punched my legs, I scratched the hell out of my stomach but it was kind of like I wasn't there, only half there. Its hard to describe. Then when I realized what I was doing, I freaked even more because I don't want to be like that, I don't want to do these things. 

I got myself to calm down a little, enough to get out of the bathroom. I told Amanda I was going to put clean sheets on the bed, then make dinner, but I needed to do something first. She said okay. I came out to the living room and got on facebook because I knew we both needed help not just with the wedding and packing up the apartment. Only I sat there for half an hour unable to ask because I am terrified that my negative energy, my negativity and crazy will bog others down. I do not want to be a burden ever. I already feel like one some of the time. The longer I sat, the darker my thoughts became. I was crying again but not so bad per se. 

Amanda came out and wanted to know how I was doing. I told her I was having bad thoughts. She asked if I could share them with her, I did and she went to go change clothes because she was going to take me to the hospital. I freaked out. Mostly because I was afraid that they would just drug me up and send me home or keep me and then not let me leave and then I would be stuck in there and miss my wedding. 

Amanda got me calmed down from that. I decided I needed to talk to my friend Chris and go fora  short drive. I ended up at the gas station to get cigarettes. I felt better by the time I got home. We decided to call and check on another friend and see how she was doing and then twenty minutes later she was here and we talked about so much stuff. I felt so much better afterward. Exhausted, but better. I hope Amanda and our friend did too. 

Today, I feel almost back to normal. The bulk of the weight I was feeling is gone and I can breathe again. I think more clearly and feel more grounded and stable. I'm going to talk to my therapist about what happened. I think I am okay, at least for now and hopefully for a long time. I want to focus on the wedding and be happy, and help Amanda have a good and happy experience. This is an exciting time for us, we should be caught up in it not bogged down with borderline depression.     

Monday, October 2, 2017

Consulting the Skulls, More Sad News, and formulating plans for battle

While the cats are in the window enjoying the birds and squirrels, I've been beginning my day with a bit of the normal routine. E-mail has been checked, facebook messages have been checked, coffee is being consumed, and Amanda has been driven to the bus stop, all the while I've bitch slapped the depression monster. I'm not sure what makes my ability to do it this morning different from other times, perhaps its because I'm angry. 

Recently, because I've been fascinated with horoscopes and astrology, I finally sat down and did a couple of "find out your signs" calculators online. I did a couple to test that the information was correct. What I was looking for was my ascendant/ rising sign. I already know my sun sign is Pisces (A water sign) and that my moon sign is Aries (a fire sign). After plugging in all the info, I learned that my ascendant/rising sign is Leo (a fire sign). My first thought was "SHIT"! I'm water and double fire?! And then I realized that makes a lot of sense in how I approach and handle things in life. Also, my mother is a Leo and my father is a Gemini. I would like to learn more and thankfully, I have a couple of friends who really like astrology as well as the internet as some books. It is time. 

not my photo

A couple of nights ago, while my depression monster was singing me her favorite poisonous songs, I decided it was time to consult the universe, Gods, Ether, what have you for just a general "What do I need to know?" Normally I would use a tarot deck, but for some reason I felt pulled to draw from this oracle. LET GO was the main message. That's one of the hardest things for me, but I am trying. 

The sad news is that neither of my parents will be attending the wedding. I think there is more going on than either of my parents are telling me. They don't like to worry me, but that worries me even more. Especially when my Dad tells me over text that he is sorry that life seems to be imploding for both of us. With his and Mom's depression, I'm more than a little worried. But basically, Mom was scared to navigate airports alone. Being a tiny woman who is half deaf who also has health issues, that's more than a little scary. So, we are in the process of getting her to the doctor to get a statement saying that she can't fly due to health reasons so Delta will refund her ticket. Because really, if she was alone and had a seizure, she'd end up in a hospital with no insurance and Dad would have to go get her and that would just be a mess.  So, yeah. 

We were outside when my next door neighbor got home last night and told her the sad news of our impending move. She was pissed and sad too. She likes us. We are relatively quiet and nice and don't bother anyone. She said we should fight them. She also said she can point out all the apartments who's tenants who are fraudulently staying here. That's depressing. She also asked us why we only for 30 days to move out when everyone else got 120 days. We don't know the answer to that. I don't want to ask or poke the bears down in the office lest they decide to revoke the $1800.00 they are giving us for relocation costs. I'm sure part of that money is to shut us up, to make sure that we don't bitch to who ever about it. But little do they know that they pissed off the wrong Witch. I know we have wanted to get the hell out of here, I know that we haven't liked dealing with them and their lack of professionalism and care of the property, but we wanted to move out on our own terms when we were ready, not be forced out during the month of our wedding. After we have moved, after we have that check and have cashed it, I'm raising hell. Every one I have talked to about it says to do it, which keeps me from mentally making excuses for their behavior and backing down to be the doormat who gets shit wiped on her. No, not this time. There will be reviews left on every apartment website. There will be a message sent to the local news paper about them and the housing authority. I won't be talking about just our experience but that of my friend who was forced to live with cockroaches for two months because they couldn't get their shit together. It's on.... just after my wedding.

So while I will be formulating the best course of action to take for that piece of business, I am going to spend today making a plan as to how I want to pack up my apartment. I need to make somewhat of a meal plan so I know what groceries to get, and I need to make a list of things to do apartment wise, as well as what's left to be done for the wedding. I am hoping that today  I can get my hair bleached and dyed as well. I've already sent off the information to our lender to see if we can get pre-approved for a home loan and am waiting to hear back on that.  Aside from that, I'm just going to try and relax today. I might be mostly ready mentally to start doing things, but I feel like shit physically and need to calm down and not over do it or I won't be good for anything. The one thing I hate most is sitting around and watching everyone else do the hard work. I feel like a giant ass hole when that happens. But, it is what it is. 

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Losing home, are you kidding me, and almost hospital

Five months ago I asked my parents if me buying their plane tickets, taking care of them while they were at my house so they could attend my wedding, would be okay. My friend Rachel was fronting me the money and I was to work it off during the summer at her Kettle Corn stand. My parents said okay. Two weeks ago my Dad said he might be able to come because they would never dig themselves out of the hole from losing a weeks worth of his pay. Amanda said she'd give him money to supplement them coming up. We don't have it but we were going tom make it happen. That just pissed my Dad off.  There were somethings happening at his job that might have allowed him to come. Except they never happened. He never got the promotion, he never got the job with another correctional facility in another county.... it is a mess.  So he is not coming. My Dad is not coming to my wedding. It is official. And I am not okay with it. I understand why. But it still hurts. It still feels like I'm not worth the effort in a way. 

Worse, it sounds like my Mom wants to bail on me to. I was talking to her last night about another issue and she said "If I come up". I just about lost my shit. "I said, what do you mean 'if'. You're coming!" But you know at this point. Fuck it. Just fuck it. No I don't want her flying alone. Yes, the lay overs suck and the changing of planes is a hassle, but damn it, aren't I worth the fucking effort? Apparently not. 

On top of that, my fears of being kicked out of our apartment came true yesterday. They finally found something to give us the boot and they can get away with it. Amanda makes commission but it varies and is not a gaurnteed thing. But they basically did a 'projected' 'what she has the potential to make' estimate and used that to kick us out. It put us over the kick out line by $100 dollars. $100. We have 30 days to get out of our apartment. We still have to pay rent for October, the full amount, and if we move out before the 30 days is up, we don't get the money for the day not lived here back. When Amanda asked if we could have two months, they said no. I told them we are getting married next month, that my Mom is flying in from out of town, that we are going on our honeymoon. They didn't give a shit. It was pretty much "aww that sucks, get out".  They are giving us $1,800.00 for moving expenses. I am trying to look at that as a positive but it is very difficult. I don't actually trust that these people will hand us that money in the end. 

Last night was awful. I cycled through crying, wanting to break things, wanting to vomit, being furious, and then feeling like the ground under me was crumbling and I was scrambling to find something to hang on to before I was buried and suffocated by my own feelings. I tried to keep it all in and keep Amanda from texting my parents with offers to give them money we really don't have to they come to the wedding.  That just stressed me out more even though it was so kind and sweet of her. It's not her fault, its that my Dad won't take it. He's too proud. His pride is hurting me and I don't think he realizes it. 

I almost gave up last night. I was watching anime and talking to my friend Chris over facebook messenger. When things get really bad I have the urge to scratch and tear my skin. Last night I wanted to flay it off with a knife and it scared me. That's just not normal. I took half a xanax and sat on my hands. It was awful and I really considered asking Amanda to drive me to the hospital. I even mentioned it to her and she was going to take me. But I didn't go. She has to work today and couldn't afford to lose sleep. I didn't want to be away from my cats or away from my home. 

On top of that, Amanda broke out in hives all over her body. We don't know if she's got a latex allergy- she popped all the birthday balloons at her desk yesterday. Or if it was stress hives or both. She looks better this morning. 

Amanda and I are both trying really hard to be positive and look at this all positively. We want a house and this is a potential opportunity to make it happen sooner rather than later. We've already been looking and last night I found one that I really like in our price range. We've been making a plan of what to do. We have a friend who is going to come and stay and finish any packing we might need to do while we are on our honeymoon. We are going to put nonessential stuff in storage and out our bed in Amanda's parents dining room because that's where we can go with the cats. We'll probably do some couch surfing a little bit too. Then when we are able to get a house, Amanda's parents are moving with us and living with us for 6 months. We are trying to get them over here anyway and get her mother into a better doctor. 

So, today while it's 4:40 in the morning and I am awake and already trying to still the panic, anxiety, depression monster, and trying not to cry, I'm making plans to go to Sally's Beauty Supply to pick up some more bleach for my hair and maybe another box of hair dye. It's time to do my hair. And I think, today, I want to paint my toe nails and I don't know, just try to make it through the day. 

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Frustration over Fiction, something different, and aches

There is a definite need to break away from the crap going on in my life. This morning I woke up feeling so awful. Aside from this being a fibromyalgia flare up day, my body hurts on top of that due to having to have my legs propped up for most of yesterday. They were terribly swollen again. My head hurt, even my eyelids and eyes hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I feel this bad at 33, what the hell is 43 or even 53 going to be like and that just opens to the door for my depression monster to come for  visit. I've had enough of that bitch. 

So despite feeling terrible, I drug myself out of bed, got dressed, and stepped outside for a smoke- because I'm apparently still doing that- for the time being. The landscape guys are out mowing the lawn, a thing I detest because I am allergic to pretty much all grasses, and generally tend to itch even with my allergy meds. Thankfully they had already been out front and were mowing elsewhere. As I leaned against the metal carport column, I relaxed and actually smiled. I'm not a big fan of bright sunshine as I have light sensitivity, but it is a fucking gorgeous day out. The air is crisp, has that early morning dewy scent. The birds are out, excitedly chirping and flitting about for the insects stirred from the lawnmower. I think we might have a hawk's nest in the tall evergreen that sits at the apartment complex entrance. I've seen it flying and watching, hunting near there and coming in and out of the green branches. The chill in the air was a bit invigorating and woke my sluggish brain up a little more. It reminded me of how much I would like a porch swing in my someday backyard. I want to curl up in the shade, slowly rocking, with my eyes closed and just be. I used to lay on my Great Grandma Ireland's porch swing with my head in her lap. She'd chat with my Grandma or sing me songs or tell me stories and we'd slowly rock back and forth. Those were probably some of the few times anyone could ever get me to sit still as a child.

But, moving on.  

It's getting to be that time of year again- National Novel Writer's Month, which thankfully is in November. A couple of my friends are already signed up and gearing to begin the adventure of 30 days of word vomiting 50,000 words to make a novel. That sounds gross, but when you're writing a first draft of something on a time limit, you're pretty much letting your fingers fly over the keys with the intent to just expel the ideas, story, build the world, and characters in such a manner as to get it out, then pick up the good stuff and shed the crap later. The experience can be frustrating, exciting, and surprising in a somewhat self satisfying way. Or you can look at your draft at the end and groan and wonder just what the hell you were thinking. Still, after 30 days, you will have written more or less than 50,000 words and that is an accomplishment all on its own. 

This year I'm not sure if I will be participating. There is a part of me that says, "no, it might actually be too much". But the other part says "go for it and actually push this shit out". I've "won" NaNoWriMo several times in that I've completed 50,000 words in a month or less. However, nothing I have done within that time frame has ever been finished. Which is a problem for someone who would love to realize her dream of being a full time published author. 

I told the few friends in my immediate vicinity that I would like to try to do this, to finish something, this year. They are supportive and those that are participating in NaNoWriMo think I should join them in the month long endeavor and we've discussed having write-ins together. A write in generally consists of snacks, coffee and tea, light chatting to bounce ideas off each other, and most importantly writing. Sometimes the writing doesn't happen, but that's okay too. However, with not knowing if I will have to move, trying to knock out 50,000 words might be a problem. So, I told my friends that if I have to move, I can't do it this year. If I don't have to move then I am 100% game. 

But there is another problem. I have several novels to write. There are a couple that I have been working on for years, ones that I have rewritten or restarted because my writing has changed and evolved and I am not satisfied with the story. So, I'm not sure what to write. Which do I pick? 
I confess there is some fear in choosing. What if I fuck it up? What if the characters aren't believable? What if I need to buy commas and can't get away from a certain tense? Dangling modifiers love me. What if when Amanda reads it or I read it to her, she says "that's good, but where's your plot"? Stupid confidence crushing fears. I need to just pick one and go, get it out, and then pick up the pieces after. 

I think to help me pick, to help me decide, I'll spend some time with the things that inspire me. Anime, movies, other novels, music, and even art, all these things help ignite and foster ideas through my emotional connection and reaction to them. The piece above is one such source. I love it, I want t add that sense of betrayal into one of my stories and I already know how it will happen. The scene is already formed its the getting there that's holding me back. 

I could go on, but I'm starting fall asleep. A short nap is in order, I think.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Update and A Small Gothic Fashion Frustration.

Things are still rather nuts. The imperative sense of scrambling seems less intense. I still do not know if my Dad is going to make it to the wedding. He is still waiting for news on his end, but with every day that drags on, the less time I have to call the airline and make changes to the tickets. 

We still have not signed a lease with our apartment complex. We went in this last weekend to do so and give them Amanda's 401k information -which they can't use against us anyway because she hasn't been contributing to it- and the lady in the office said she didn't know why they had us down to sign a lease when they have some sort of paperwork done yet. Wow, really?! So we made yet another appointment for this coming weekend to sign the lease then. 

Amanda's Mom came last weekend as well. We got our car from the mechanic and it runs nicely. As soon as she gets paid, we'll take it back to emissions testing and get it tagged so its legal to drive again.

Also last weekend we did some wrap up wedding shopping. That was a bit overwhelming and exhausting, but it is done. All that is left are a few things from Amazon and Amanda and I need to finish making the decorations. Well, and writing our vows. Amanda's freaking out a little. I'm... not? Perhaps that's because I've spent the last several months in a state of high stress and fear and this crap with my parents and the apartment has been enough to make the actual wedding stress look like a vacation. I mean I've cried over the possibility that my Dad might not be at my wedding and thus all the wedding pictures are going to be permanent evidence and a reminder forever of that- which conflicts with all the happy-fuzzy feelings I should be completely swept up in for that day- which only pisses me off and makes me want to cry all over again because its not fair to Amanda that I'm so fucking depressed over it. I've tried to say fuck it, whatever, but I can't help the way I feel without stuffing everything down so far that I go numb again. *sigh* I really need to get the fuck over this. 

Because I am pear shaped and fat, finding a wedding dress that I liked and would fit me was never going to happen.  I would have had to make it or find someone to make one for me both of which was going to be more expensive than we could afford. If one were to go by semi-standard US sizing, my hips need a 5x but my shoulders need a 2/3x. Trust me, it sucks. I like Victorian and military goth styles A LOT and my shape doesn't always accommodate that, unless tailored right.

So, Amanda and I hit Torrid to find something. She found a pretty red and black Snow White dress and I found a formal-ish, plain black dress. Because its fall and we're having an evening wedding, there is a good chance it will be chilly, so I was going to need something for my shoulders. Well, no one really makes patterns in my size for what I was looking for. So, I did the next best thing and bought a costume pattern in the biggest size I could find and got on the internet to see how to upsize it. The bolero circled in yellow in the picture above, is the pattern I used. I nixed the collar and took the points off the red part of the sleeves. I also did away with sleeve gathers and still had to tailor the damned thing to fit my shoulders because they are small. I found a velvety burnout damask fabric in black so, its black, not blue and red like the picture. I also bought a broach/necklace to finish it off. You will have to wait for the wedding pictures to see it. I haven't even tried it on with the dress yet. 

I want to make another one, a couple actually, just not with the same fabric. The teeth that move fabric along on the my sewing machine didn't like the fabric very well and tried to eat it. That was several small fits of panic. And, now that I know how to upsize a pattern and actually have a handle on sewing sleeves, I would like to venture out into other pieces of clothing. But that will have to wait until after I make Amanda's cloak, until after the wedding, and possibly even until after winter. 

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

After yesterday, this is what I know.

Yesterday I was on and off the phone from 8 am to 3 pm. Nerve wracking doesn't even begin to cover it and I was so very relieved when I was finished and could retreat to my corner of the sofa and just breathe.

On the doctor front. The doctor my insurance assigned me didn't actually take my insurance any more. So I called my insurance to see where to go from there. The woman I spoke with was not only nice, but she went down a long list of providers for me and called them herself instead of just throwing a bunch of names and numbers at me. There were several that did take my insurance but they didn't have any openings until November or even January. But, luckily we found a doctor who not only took my insurance and had openings as soon as today, but I know her. She's Amanda's doctor. I had completely forgotten about her as a possibility. 

I saw her today. My blood pressure was really high- go figure. She wanted to talk about nutrition, because I'm fat, but she didn't fat shame me in the least. Instead she asked me what I ate yesterday and when I told her, her eyebrows went up. She said I wasn't eating enough to function and while I was eating mostly good stuff, it just wasn't enough. But since the hysterectomy, I'm not as hungry any more. I have always been a grazer during the day anyway, with a decent meal for dinner. Meh. She also wants me drinking 200 oz of water a day. Uh huh, we'll see about that, I get over 84 oz and I start feeling like I want to puke. And she wants me to take more Vitamin D and C and cut the melatonin down when I do take it. I forgot to talk to her about my thyroid. 

Back to yesterday's calls. 
I remembered that I needed to talk to the student loan people. So I called them and got put on an income based payment plan. I jut had to print, fill out, and sign some paperwork and I need to mail it off today. 

I also did my food stamp review, spent forever on the phone only to have some guy tell me I had to do it online. Then I filled out the HEM review paperwork- have to mail that off today too. And I left a message for my case manager at DSHS. She was out sick, apparently, some guy called me back to tell me, basically nothing helpful. 

I tried to call Rachel's landlord. He picked up but didn't say anything. Since he didn't say anything and there was a lot of noise I'm assuming he thought he had silenced his phone? I don't know. I am going to try calling him on Amanda's phone or make her call him. 

I made an appointment for the car to get looked at and fixed. I took it into the shop today.

I also called our apartment complex's office and left a message (because they never pick up the phone, ever), to ask exactly what it was they need about Amanda's 401k. I told them we were getting married next month and that they can talk to me since she's at work all the time and can't get into deal with them. I also asked them if there was anything else whatsoever that they needed. 

Well, apparently, Amanda called the on her break or lunch break because they called her again. They told her that we missed our lease signing appointment. WHAT APPOINTMENT?! Oh hell no! We never had a fucking appointment. The last meeting I had with the office, the woman I dealt with told me they would be signing leases on the WEEK of the 18th. They never gave us a time or day. I even wrote it in my planner, right in front of her. She told me they would work with Amanda's work schedule. Then on top of that, when I went out for a cigarette break last week (because yes, I broke down while stressed to smoke a little), I noticed that everyone else's doors had a notice on them but ours did not. So, I got up close enough to read the one on my neighbor's door. It was talking about lease signing. Nervous, I started to wonder why we didn't get one. I thought, on the upside, that it was because they had already told us when the lease signings were, but the more I thought about it, the more I started to get a little paranoid and worried. Why did everyone else get a reminder notice but we didn't? I mean everyone, I checked.

So that bull shit aside, Amanda got an appointment time with them this weekend wherein she will give them whatever it is they need. But I am pretty sure that they really are trying to find a way to kick us out. I'm pretty sure they are going to say her 401k is income and that will put us over the limit. 

That being said, I also spent some time calling mortgage lenders. I did get to talk with one and gave him some information. He had to pull our credit but sent an e-mil back to me today saying that we'll have to do this using Amanda's credit, mind isn't high enough, but it looks good. The next step is to get approved for a loan. So we now have the ball in the beginning stages of rolling as far as buying a house goes. I just have to e-mail him back, but I thought I would wait until Amanda got home so we could talk in person, instead of via her work e-mail.  

Apart from that, I need to get legal sized envelopes so I can mail my student loan stuff and we are having dinner at Rachel's tonight. But I think we are cooking? I'm not sure what's going on with dinner. I need to make bread though. The sourdough and pumpkin. I don't really feel up to it today. Oh, laundry. I need to do that. 

I suppose I should go find something to eat, since I've only had a small salad, three cups of coffee, and a cup of lemon ginger tea today. Cheese quesadilla, that sounds nice and won't make much of a mess.