Wednesday, August 16, 2017

I love my rock.

Last night I was a little bit manic. I could not shut up! 
Generally speaking I am quiet and I prefer to listen and observe more than I like to talk. This works in my favor when visiting with Amanda's Mom because she is truly a chatty Cathy. There are occasions that I get heated or excited about something and can be as chatty as the next person. However, there is a difference between that and a manic episode. 

I didn't used to have these. I'm not sure exactly when I began having, sometime right before the hysterectomy, probably about the time shit hit the fan. They haven't gone away but I haven't had them that often either and I have told Amanda that I don't mind them that much, I usually get a lot of things done when they come, and being productive always makes me feel better. 

Well, not so much last night. Amanda was trying to do something on my computer (since hers isn't working) and I just kept talking. I apologized, but nearly every thought that came to my head made its way out of my mouth too. Eventually, I dozed off, and she was able to get some stuff done.

Today, when I woke up, I felt distracted, unfocused, and like I was ready to jump out of my skin. Everything seemed rush rush rush for no reason. This isn't the cloudy or unfocused feeling I get from the fibromyalgia, that feels like an unfocused slow drag where I can't seem to completely wake up despite being full awake. So, needless to say I was a bit unsettled when I was trying to get some things done. 

Eventually I'd had enough. Sitting still and meditating didn't really appeal to me and I had this notion that I might need to try grounding myself. So I googled "grounding gemstones" to see if I had any. I, in fact, do. I have hematite and jasper. Since my hematite is in the bedroom, I grabbed the jasper out of my gemstone bag and just held it.  I also put on quiet, ambient background music, and went about doing some things. 

It helped. I think it works better when I hold it in my hands- right now it is tucked in my bra so I can type and still have skin contact with it. I'm still manic but being able to focus on one thing at a time is such a relief.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Tornado dreams, hiding in the fridge, inspiration and little joys

Throughout my life I've had nightmares about tornadoes, some reoccurring. A lot of the time they were hunting me down and there was no where I could hide. Sometimes they had faces, one had a gazillion eyes that turned into birds. Sometimes there several tornadoes coming for me and no matter where I turned, I couldn't get away. I used to think it was because I grew up in Tornado Alley, a section of the U.S. that has the proclivity for tornadic activity. I've seen their damage first hand and watched one form, do its thing, and dissipate -which for a young teenager stuck in an RV with her Grandparents on our way to Colorado with no place to go, is pretty terrifying. 

Last night I had another tornado dream. But this time I was in a trailer that got picked up, thrown, and somehow everyone inside survived the smash back into the ground. But that wasn't the only unsettling part of the dream, we were hiding from someone and apparently thought crawling into refrigerators and stuffing ourselves in crisper drawers as going to save us. There was something about a bus too. So I looked up the dream intperatation of Tornadoes on this app I have on google. 

To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive? To dream that you are in a tornado, signifies that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. You will be met with a series of disappointments for the next week or so. Your plans will be filled with complications. To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship.  -What Dreams Mean.

Yeah, that's actually spot. I'm not sure I want to buy into the week ahead forecast though. And it make sense for other points in my life when I have had those dreams, especially the people part. 

On a happier note, Amanda and I spent most of yesterday cuddling and watching Anime. It was so nice, even if it was a time suck. I get ridiculously excited, sill, and happy when I watch fluffier anime. But anime in general makes me happy and often gives me some form of inspiration. the one we watched yesterday had an aspiring manga artist in it and we learned a few things about manga construction we didn't know. Well, I'm not manga artist but I have had ideas for a graphic novel and I've always wanted to design my own novel covers. I have also wanted to make something special for Amanda and I started that present last night. I also told her about it- it is a chibi version on her. I sketched it out on canvas last night. I'll remove the pencil smudges and then it will be ready for paint. 


Monday, August 14, 2017

Needy Assholes, weekend of fuck it, and think I'm going to need a special ruler.

After the emotional word vomit of my last post I decided to have a weekend to try and get some shit together, as in to clean the house and then relax. It was Amanda's weekend to work so that makes it a little more difficult, in that she's more worn out. It did not help that the Editorial staff of the paper made a choice that had people calling up to cancel their subscriptions. They put an anti-transgender article written by some religious figure in a column section instead of in the opinion section. And they probably could have avoided the uproar had they prefaced it with something like, "we as a paper believe in free speech and want to let all opinions be heard equally, however this opinion does not reflect the opinions of this paper and its staff".  So, yeah, she got to deal with that shit and since I wasn't feeling good, we kind of said fuck it this weekend. 

We did get the clean clothes hung up and some laundry done. We did tidy up the bedroom. Amanda did the dishes for me while I organized the pantry and she even cooked. All that is left is to clean up the weekend mess in the kitchen, pick up and vacuum the living room, and clean the bathroom. But we can take that slow today. 

We have also been working on a story together and that's been fun and helpful,

Another helpful thing we did to relax, was to finally use the theater gift card a friend gave us for Yule to have a date day. We saw Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, a movie based off a graphic novel series. It had a simple plot, but it was fun. The visuals were really nice, the pacing was smooth, and the characters likeable. My favorite character was Bubble and my next favorite was the converter because it was freaking adorable. 

After the movie we went to a grocery store and decided to have a junk food night. We bought icing for the cakes we have in the pantry- they've been in there forever! We also bought Earth Balance Popcorn (we don't have a microwave and don't want one so when we want popcorn, we have to get it from Rachel or buy it already popped- helps cut down on how much of it we eat). Lastly, we  bought chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I'm not sure how I feel about the ice cream. I don't really eat a lot of sweet stuff and the ice cream seems richer and almost too sweet. It could be the brand. I wouldn't know, I don't get it often enough and when I do, it's typically in blizzard from Dairy Queen, which is almost never. Anway, we took it all home and were going to watch a scary movie to continue day day, but Amanda fell asleep. It was fine.

Our cats were pretty excited that, aside from Amanda going to work and us leaving for the movie, we were home all weekend. Both of them were all over us, Naricsa with her desperate need to lick us, and Thorin's need t curl up under the blankets with us. I generally keep the air conditioner set at 65-70 and since it blows at the sofa, we like to curl up in blankets when we get chilled. Thorin still hasn't managed to figure out that to cover his pee and poo, he simply needs to use the litter. Instead he likes to drag any dirty clothing over and into the litter box or and my personal favorite, he pulls towels down and does the same. He also still hasn't figured out that racing between our feet or cutting us off suddenly while we are walking, is hazardous to his health. He does that weaving between our legs thing too.  One I'm already unsteady with the random moments of vertigo from my meds. Two, if we fall we will get hurt, or squish him. And Three, if he makes me fall, I'm giving him a bath. They were also both into stuff this weekend and I awoke to find the dish we'd put their treat (wet food) in broken on the floor.  It;s a good thing we love them.

Last night I had another wedding nightmare. This time it was realizing that we were only a week away and we didn't have things finished. So, this morning, I decided that I was going to stop waiting on Rachel to let me know when she is ready to show me how to expand a pattern. I can read about it, but I need to see it being done. It finally dawned on me that I could see if there were tutorials on youtube. There are, I'm just not entirely certain it's going to work. The pattern I am using only goes up to size 10-12 (I believe) and I need it to fit size 30-32 (they didn't have it larger, I scoured the pattern drawer it was in). But I have an idea of how I'm going to check to make sure its going to fit.   I am making a bolero for myself and when it is finished, I am making a cloak for Amanda, using a different patter but it needs to be expanded too. But, I think I am going to have to get a style designer ruler because it has the curve edge. Not a problem, Walmart and Joanns both carry them. Oh and I also need to pick up a some sheer, red fabric to add to my dress. I'm doing a simple, temporary overlay that can be easily removed without hurting the dress itself. Basically I'm dressing up the dress for the wedding and dressing it down for more everyday use.    

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Its a lot worse than it looks, 2 months away, where the fuck is the glue?!

There are things I haven't talked about, things that are very serious, things that I've been too afraid to mention to anyone except Amanda. The reasons are that I already vent a lot of my frustrations here and while I have repeatedly stated that this is primarily what this blog is for, I hold back good deal. My perception is that anyone who stumbles across this already thinks I am a wimpy whiny bitch with slight rage issues that can't hack it. Well, maybe, but I think a good deal of it has to deal with some heavy blows that cut a little deeper, or knocked me down a little harder than I was expecting. 

Things are really bad and they have been for a long time, under the surface, and I've hidden as best as I could but ts finally too much again and I'm really cracking. My wedding is 2 months away and I should be excited but most of the time when I think about it, I just cry. My parents reluctance has hurt me really bad. Even after I talked to my Mom and asked point blank if they wanted to come and she said they really truly do, I still feel the hesitancy. I know they feel bad because I bought their tickets, because I am going to have to take care of them while they are here, and so, but isn't that what family is supposed to do? I don't care, I just want want to see them and share this moment with them. I just want to have time to share with them where I live. 

The second part is that I am scared that I am not going to fit into my wedding dress. After the hysterectomy my body changed and my flabby fat stomach shifted downward a little. My core muscles were cut into and were weak.  It's awful. I sometimes get painful rashes between my stomach fat and my thighs. I still have pain in the incision area and it till aches when I go to the bathroom sometimes. My back hurts more. I can't get comfortable standing, sitting, and especially not laying down. Sometimes the dull incessant aches of things drive me crazy and I can't stand it. I've told Amanda a couple of times that if I gain any more weight, I'm just going kill myself because nothing is working and I can't do anything without being in such pain I want to tear my skin off. Sometimes I hit myself because I am so furious with my body. I just want it to give me a little so I can make it better. 

I recently had blood work done and I got my results. My TSH levels were high and I didn't know what that meant, so I looked it up. Apparently it has to do with your thyroid and my levels have all the characteristics or symptoms of Hypothyroidism. To double check the information I was reading, I asked a friend who has thyroid problems. They said, yes, my levels were high and welcome to the "hypo club".  But because I always want to discuss things with my doctor, I decided to see what she said. Only I didn't get to talk to my doctor, her nurse called to give me the results. My anemia is better, but they want send me back to OBGYN to see if my fatigue is hormone related. Why can't she do the tests for that herself? Secondly they want me to watch my sugar intake because my blood sugar was 113 fasting- which is within the normal range and the first blood plannel she did on me a couple of months ago said my A1C was perfect. She said nothing about my thyroid so I asked. the nurse said it wasn't a concern and left it at that. How is it not a concern when on the result it is red marked and there is even a little low-norm-high bar and I'm marked in the high section and according to all the sources Amanda found on the internet, I'm way above where I should be. 

This is so frustrating. It feels like my doctor doesn't want to deal with. That because I am fat, I just need to move. Well, yeah, but if there is something wrong that is keeping me this way, I can move all I want, push myself to keep going, fight through the pain, and it won't do me a damn bit of good. It hasn't so far. The worst part is that I get so overwhelmed and have been told over and over again that if I just lose weight, I won't have issues anymore, that I almost can't bring anything up. Except that if I lose the weight, I will still have a herniated disk and fibromyalgia. Those things affect one of my skinny friends too and she's often been just as miserable with pain and shit as I am. Amanda has decided that I am no longer allowed to go to the doctor without her or her mother to advocate for me because I can't seem to do so for myself. As much as that is a relief, it scares me. My doctor will want to up my depression meds or switch them and if we do that, I'm going to gain more weight. it happens every time. 

When I write this stuff out, it seems to stupid and the rational part of my brain says, it's going to be okay, one step at time, don't give up, you can do this. But none of this stops for me. I can distract myself. I can focus or try to focus  on other things but something will hurt, or I will move wrong, or a random thought will pop into my head, or I will be trying to set up a wedding party planning meeting, or even trying to clean my house, and I just- the depression monster slips in like a sly bitch and whispers a little something and I just can't. Its driving me crazy. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I look at the mess my house has become and instantly feel guilt for not feeling up to cleaning it, because that means I'm not contributing. I feel even worse when I have thoughts like "I actually need help with this, I'm overwhelmed". The last time I vacuumed, which I have been told not to do on account of my back, I over did it and hurt myself. It makes me so angry. I like cleaning my house and I can't do it on my own anymore and I'm fucking 33 years old. I've lost so much control and independence that I'm desperately clinging to any that I have left. I keep telling myself it could be worse, but that's hardly an uplifting thought. 

I'm right back to the point where I have panic attacks so bad, Amanda want to take me to the hospital.  I'm right back to having thoughts that I am a burden, a parasite, and I'm so tired to fighting to try to stay more positive and make myself get out of bed and do something productive, even something that makes me happy, that sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake back up. I have these awful random thoughts of cutting my fat off with scissors to get the weight off just so I can get some relief. It is really and truly bad and I'm scared. I think the only reasons I haven't ended it, is because I don't want my parents to outlive anther kid, or to leave Amanda alone, or my cats, and I don't want to make my friends sad. 

I am trying. I'm using coping techniques that I got from my therapist. I am doing some things that I enjoy to help inspire my creativity, that make me happy or excited, and I am taking time for myself and saying to some things. I even cancelled a meeting with my wedding party because the house isn't clean (it needs picked up, dusted, swept an vacuumed), I knew Amanda and I were both too tired and or sore to get it done in time. I also didn't think I could handle several people at once an certainly did not want to have a cry in front of them.         

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Doctor's appointment, needing Tomoe, panic and talking to parental units, and thrifting!

Tomoe from Kamisama Kiss
Had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and it went fairly well. I've lost 8 pounds, however, my blood pressure was higher than the time before. I'm sure the screaming headache, stress over the wedding and other things going on, in addition to feeling like I'd run full speed into a brick wall didn't help any of that. We talked at length about the vegetarian diet. The verdict: my doctor isn't sure she wants me eating a vegetarian diet because I was so anemic before. However, she's ordered up a full blood panel to check thyroid, A1C- well everything to be sure. She also said that on the off chance that everything looks normal, she will send me back over to OBGYN to make them do a hormonal check just to make sure that we're not missing something. On top of that, she said as I lose weight and my blood pressure lowers, the mottling in my legs should go away. To help that, she's giving me a water pill for a little while. So, at this point, I just need to do my fasting blood work tomorrow morning and wait to see the results. Oh and she doesn't want me doing any more exercise than I am comfortable with- as in don't exhaust myself- and to eat more than three times a day. Which I have been doing pretty good with on my own anyway, especially lately.

Still Tomoe
During my doctor's appointment, I started not feeling good and just figured that I needed to get home and get some lunch. However, as I was driving home, I wasn't so sure. I wasn't hungry but I felt awful and realized that I was starting to panic.  I thought if I can just get home, I can deal with this, but if I have to, I will pull over. No sense in endangering myself and others for no good reason. Well, I made it and as soon as I got inside my apartment, I grabbed a bottle of juice and sat at my desk. I thought I was going to be okay but I was mistaken and all hell broke lose in my head. 

Amanda had taken a sick day because she wasn't feeling good and I am so glad she did. It was like the Gods and universe was telling us we needed to be together that day. I had one of my really bad panic attacks, the kind where Amanda starts talking about taking me to the hospital but I freak out more because I can't handle being away from home at that moment, but at the same time she's scared and trying to get me to breathe and drink water, and keep me from clawing the skin off my chest because I can't breathe. I don't remember a lot of what was said or how long I was panicking, but of what I do remember was  that Amanda didn't deserve to see it or have to deal with it. I remember telling her that I was sorry. 

Somehow, don't remember how or when, Amanda got me on the bed, turned on the fan, and got me a cold wash cloth and water. She also found my xanax and for a little while I might have napped. Not too long though, she made us lunch. I ended up calling my Mom because during the panic attack I had been asking for my Mom and Amanda tried calling her. The last thing my parents need to hear is me having a horrible panic attack via voice mail so I wanted to tell my Mom not to listen to it and just delete it right away. I told her what had happened and I was much better and things were okay. Of course she wanted to know what was going on. 

Xanax is nice sometimes because it is very numbing and I don't tend to care so much or rather worry about being so blunt. So first I asked my Mom point blank if she and Dad actually wanted to come to the wedding. Mom was a bit shocked. She said they really do want to come but they feel awful because they don't have money to help or even really a gift. I don't care about that stuff. My Mom doesn't have a dress- I told her we would start looking for what she wanted and even take her dress shopping when she got here. She's also worried about putting us out as far as food goes because she needs soft food. No problems there, I can make her soup, mashed potatoes, soft casseroles, ect. Both of my parents loathe flying, but they will do it. And Dad might actually have a shot at a full time job which is amazing, but he's worried they either won't hire him or not let him have time off to come up. So, as usual, they didn't want to make a promise they couldn't keep. But they don't really understand that in doing that, it's almost, if not, more hurtful than disappointing me. 

We moved on to other issues like my stupid shoes, my doctor's appointment, Amanda sticking up for me with a friend, some other friend troubles I've been having and so on. It was a good call. 

Amanda's parents were coming for dinner that night and also to talk to us about something you just don't talk about over the phone. We ended up going to Torrid to pick up an order we'd placed and introduced Amanda's Mom to the store. She got a couple of really cute dresses. Then we went to the thrift store wherein Amanda found an Octopus cup for herself and a fox cup for me. I found this:

It is a creamer cup from a red glass Avon collection from ages ago. I've been collecting red glass drink ware and have been wanting to collect this particular series of Cape Cod dishes. However, it is expensive and so I'm getting it piecemeal at thrift stores where it is vastly cheaper. I think I paid a $1.50 for this piece. But if I am honest, I had started collecting the Johnson Brothers Willow Blue dishes as well. 

 I also found a Lord of the Rings Trivial Pursuit, movie edition game. I can't wait to play it!

The news Amanda's parents needed to tell us was about Amanda's older trans (was male) sister. I told Amanda as much as I loathe what her sister and now ex-sister-in-law did to her parents, we really do need to just put all of that aside and get in contact with her. Part of that is to give comfort and to heal a relationship between Amanda and her sister that Amanda has mourned for a long time. The other part is to make sure that said sister doesn't fuck over their parents again. 


I've been posting pictures of Tomoe from Kamisama Kiss in this this blog post because for the last couple of days, when I am upset, I've turned on Kamisama Kiss, just to see him. He makes me happy. He's a cute, pissy, Kitsune. Kamisama Kiss is also lighter anime, Shoujo meaning that it is geared toward a female audience with a focus on personal and romantic relationships. As much as I love my intense, dark, and even cerebral anime, every once in awhile I just want fluff. Anyway, I adore watching him with Nanami and the other characters. They are a lot of fun and helped me feel better.
For those wondering, Roy Mustang from Fullmetal Alchemist is still my all time favorite! 

Monday, July 31, 2017

Nope! This just isn't working.

I know I don't get everything I want. I know it doesn't hurt me to want. I've been told "No" so many times in my life that when someone says it, it doesn't really bother me and I am quite comfortable doing without, waiting, or working really hard to get what I want myself. My patience is limited but at the same time large in quantity. I am also pretty resilient most of the time and pretty adaptable. However, today is not my day. 

I don't think my parents actually want to come to my wedding. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know where I went wrong. Did I really ask too much?

I was never able to get the wedding dress I wanted for lack of funds, sewing experience, and so on. Amanda and I did the best we could with that we had and I am readjusting to make it amazing despite that but it is still a bit upsetting and kind of a disappointment. I'm pretty sure that everyone else will be better dressed than me and look really good in what they will be wearing. I am hugely fat so nothing looks good on me no matter how hard I try. 

I've been fighting with leg swelling since before my hysterectomy and it's only within the last few days that I've had normal sized legs and feet- they looked mottled by the way for which I am talking to my doctor about, could just be from the fibromyalgia but just in case I want her to look at everything. I ordered a size larger than I wear for shoes for my wedding got a decently priced pair even. As in mine were more affordable than Amanda's and hers were even decently priced. Anyway, they arrived today and they don't fit. Amanda and Rachel could put them on, they were snug on them, but for having normal sized feet for once, for my feet being smaller than Amanda's, but I couldn't get my feet in them. 

Why must everything I do or try to do or every "should be beautiful" life event in my life be met with struggle and tears. Why do I have to fight all the time? 

Its not totally doom and gloom. I have some pretty great friends who are making this whole event for Amanda and I not a total wash. I can't even express how much I appreciate and love them for that. I think if it weren't for Amanda and my friends, I don't know that I could do any of it. 

They are so pretty! Morning Panic and if you can, do.

Recently Amanda and I have caught up on Junjo Romantica, a boys love/yaoi series. If you like fluff and mild angst- and by mild I mean a hell of a lot lighter than anything you will see in Game of Thrones- and like cute anime boys like we do, you might give it a go. I pretty much giggle, squee, and get really wrapped up in the romance and cuteness of the show. I cry "YES!" every time a kiss I have been waiting for happens or coo with giddy delight when there is an 'I love you' spoken. No, really, it's kind of ridiculous. 

Well, this weekend we happened to see another boys love/ perhaps yaoi anime called Yuri on Ice, that pretty much made me do the same things. I'm not really a sports anime fan, but this was figure skating. Normally just watching figure skating can move me to tears because I find it really beautiful. I also love figure skating because a lot of the time the skaters will pick lovely music to preform to and I can get carried off by music faster than anything. So, on top of this anime being figure skating, and boys love/ perhaps yaoi, there was great music and the animation was fantastic! I can't wait to see the next season and the movie when they come out. 

Our friends, a pair of twins we've known for years, were the ones who showed us this anime. We went down to see them this weekend and to talk about bachelorette party stuff. While we were there, I got to talking to one of the twins about being really tempted to get a crunchyroll account so I can watch more anime, but at the same time being afraid to do so because then I would just watch anime all day. She asked me why, because if I can do it, then do it. I replied with 'because I'm supposed to be writing a novel'. 

This is one of those things wherein I struggle on a couple of fronts. Firstly, I spent too much time arguing over what to watch with friends and even Amanda, that I eventually gave up and just watched what everyone else wanted to watch so the sake of accommodation and so we wouldn't spend more time looking for something instead of watching something. That ate a lot of time that I never really felt I had. Secondly, time is something I have a problem with, in that all the things I love to do take time and there are only so many hours in the day and like it or not, I do have to sleep sometime. Last but not least, it is easier to people please and unintentionally kill my own joys than fight with people and try to come to compromise. You'd think over a silly little thing as something to watch that's stupid but when you get really worn out or just don't have the spoons to deal, saying 'sure' takes less energy. I've been working on standing my ground because I need those little joys. Something as silly and simple as a movie or an anime series of my choosing makes me really happy and often gives me inspiration for other things. 

So while I was having a good time, yesterday morning's panic attack took me by surprise. I woke up in pain, as I typically do, but I was hurting a little more than usual and while I was getting dressed I started to cry and panic. Amanda wanted to know what was going on and I told her it was because I was hurting. But I managed to get calmed down and took some Alieve. It doesn't kill the pain, but it can sometimes take enough of the edge off, to make things bearable, and unlike prescription pain meds and muscle relaxers, it doesn't leave my brain fogged more than I sometime am anyway, or knock me out. 

Aside from that we are home again. I haven't slept yet because I started getting some things in order and or ready for this week. A couple of things are out of the way already and then I decided to clean out email and so on. Amanda and I started working on a story together so I spent a little time on it before I realized what time it was. At that point, I said screw it, I have to take Amanda to work anyway, might as well wait to sleep until after.  Even if I I sleep for 4-5 hours, I'll still wake up in time to get some stuff done before Amanda gets home from work.