Saturday, August 27, 2016

Cycles, Sad kitty, and tomorrows work

 In light of some things that are going on in my world right now, I've decided that I need a little pick me up. Tomorrow, Amanda and I are going to finally tackle the stuff in the Bowie room and dig out the Fall/Halloween decorations a few days early. Decorating the house will help me feel better because decorating but also decorating for my favorite time of the year just does it for me. 

Narcisa is a little nuts tonight. It's our fault. We have been in and out of the house a lot and she's not sure what's going on. I'm going give her extra attention and cuddles so she knows things are okay. Sometimes I worry that she thinks we are going to leave and not return, which makes me really sad. 

Life has cycles and I am very comfortable and welcoming of this concept and reality of nature. The progression through the seasons is fascinating to me. There was this video floating about the internet where you could seen the change in seasons from space and it seemed almost as if the very earth was breathing, and it was beautiful. However, eventually all the breaths of life fade. 

I keep telling myself that I am ready, I am prepared, for the time when the cycle of life comes to a close for my Grandparents. They've been second parents, teachers, friends, and had a hand in raising me. I think in some ways, I am already mourning their passing before it happens. My Dad asked me if we could do a Skype call last night because Grandpa has been having some really bad days and was talking about how much he misses me. So of course, I left my friend's house and hurried home to get online to talk to him. Conversations with Grandpa are growing more and more difficult because of his Alzheimer's disease, and as natural as I try to keep the conversation, I can tell he struggles. I also talked with my Grandma yesterday. She is home now. Thank you to everyone who sent healing energy and thoughts. She is doing much better and is well enough to give me looks of disapproval when I happen to get a little too "crude" for her liking. I said the word "poop". I live with Amanda, poop is bound to enter a conversation at some point. Of course Grandma doesn't know this because I've always made Amanda be on her best behavior when around my Grandparents (almost at times on pain of death).

Grandparents aside, I talked to my Dad for a minute or two while on Skype, and I could tell he's not doing well. I got the sense that he's really nervous, sad, and maybe even a bit scared. Which scares the hell out of me. 

While I have that emotional tug and flux happening, I got a phone call from my pseudo brother the other night and it shocked the hell out of me. I've known him since high school but apparently not well enough. He not only cheated on his fiance, he had another relationship on the side with another woman. There were so many lies told. Now, I had spoken with his fiance a month prior and she detailed how awful he'd been treating her. But it is so much worse than that and knowing the how and the why makes me physically sick. The things he did and said to his fiance are just awful, that level of emotional abuse- I just can't- I'm having trouble processing it. And then he said he is a sex addict and was crying on the phone to me. I think it was an excuse. It is so bad that his fiance isn't even sure what she should do. I told her, if she needed to, she could come live with us. And really, I truly think she should. 

If that wasn't bad enough, I learned that Amanda's youngest nephew is having horrible problems in school. This is more than mere bullying. I don't want to say what but it is shocking and I'm having a lot of trouble processing that too. Honestly, even though I am not close with this kid, I just want to hug him and keep him away from the other kids. While I don't like his mother for various reasons, I will say that while she's a crappy person in a lot of respects, she is a lioness when it comes to her children and she is raising some serious hell. 

Anyway, things have been pretty rough emotionally the last several days. I did get a little bit of a break when some friends came for dinner and to sit in the hot tub. I didn't get in, but I went along. the Twins are up to go to Silverwood and decided to crash at our place. So, yeah, tomorrow I'll be doing some house cleaning, going through some stuff, and breaking out the Fall/ Halloween decor to hopefully take my mind of some of this stuff. Because while I know there are cycles of good and bad times in life too, this particular cycle is made of suck and needs pretty things to make it less so.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Restless dreams, the mermaid, and the nap.

I awoke early this morning feeling simply awful. I imagine I feel like the little girl in Spirited Away when she runs down the stairs at full speed and slams into a stone wall. I had a migraine too, but I think I caught it early enough that the medicine I took is helping. So, I will be able to take a nap in just a little bit, to kind of take the edge off how exhausted I am. It's so weird to say that I am exhausted and its not quite 8 am yet. Some days are just full of suck. To add to that, I had shitty, upsetting dreams highlighting the crap I learned yesterday from a friend. Not only was that not a good conversation, but trying to keep myself calm while on the phone with said friend was a bit difficult. Trying to keep it reigned in afterward was a bit difficult as well.

To distract myself from how awful I feel, I got on facebook to just putter around. That was a mistake. Not only was I reminded of something going on between two really good friends of mine, but I saw that Italy had a big earthquake. We don't have cable or even local channels and despite Amanda working at the newspaper, we don't have a subscription. I also don't go to news sites because well, I have depression and reading or watching the news just makes said depression worse. Ignorance isn't bliss, but sometimes it is necessary to help the healing process for a bit.  Anyway, I saw something else which infuriated me. Apparently, the lovely folks of my state have deemed it okay to kill an endangered pack of wolves because they are eating cows. Okay, I get it, a farmer loses revenue when a wolf eats a cow, but killing the wolves is not going really going to help. When you remove a predator from the area, other creatures normally kept in check are allowed to flourish and they can cause more of a problem in the long run- you know like potentially eating all the resources your cows eat. More than that, if we start saying it is okay to kill an endangered species for this reason, then that just opens up the door to kill more endangered species for what ever reason we deem fit. 

Of course, 9 times out of 10, I will take an animals side over a humans. But I like animals a lot better than I like people. Even possums, which I think are soulless and kind of freak me out, but that's a different story for a different day.  

I like mermaids too, hence the picture above, but that is also to because I am trying to soothe myself and bring a sense of calm to myself this morning before I make the gamut of phone calls I need to make. I want to talk to my Mom or my Dad, check on my Grandma, call Felicia back from yesterday, check on a friend, and talk to the doctors office. Thankfully, not all of those have to be long drawn out conversations. 

Other than that, I feel a little disjointed and not all together. There's a sense of being pulled in several different directions all at once, all these directions demand my attention. They are things I feel called to do, things I want to do, and things I need to do. Its very frustrating. But it is what it is and I will figure it out. After breakfast and after a nap. I think I am finally tried enough now to really get some sleep.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Important lessons, nursing dark chocolate, pain, restlessness

I made a toner recently. I thought that A) it would be good for my skin and B) because I have been wearing more make up, it would help soothe my skin. My toner is made up of 3 parts witch hazel and 1 part rose water. I use it in the morning after I wash my face and again at night when I have removed my make up. Except last night, for some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to use it on my eye lids. Sometimes, I'm not very smart. Sometimes I forget that I have very sensitive skin and my the area around my eyes is no exception. (I also sometimes forget that I gave myself a chemical burn with Nair once while trying to remove some of the eyebrows. It was a disaster by the way.) Thankfully, while I didn't end up with a chemical burn, at least according to what I could see, the area along my eye lashes certainly felt a bit stingy itchy, and kind of burn like last night. I told my friend Chris about it and got an almost Mom-like almost scolding. 

My eyes felt better this morning and good enough that I decided to try wearing make up. So far so good. I'm a tad peeved because it took me an hour and a half to do it and all I want to do is curl up somewhere and take a nap. I was rudely awakened by PCOS problems around six this morning and since Amanda had to be up shortly anyway, I just stayed up and made breakfast and coffee. Because of the PCOS problems of today, my back, my hips, and my legs have this incessant dull ache that is driving me crazy. This sort of pain is so draining, forget that I'm bleeding like a stuck pig, and they we add the energy drain from the fibromyaligia... I'm not a happy camper. But, I'm still going to get dressed and I am still going to go visit Chris today. I may just end up curled up in a chair with a small cute dog for cuddles. Chris is house/ dog sitting for a friend of ours and you know what, my friend's dog cuddles me more than Narcisa. *sigh* 

Speaking of my kitty cat, we got her a small box from the store. It was just something that had had cans or dry goods in, not a flat, a box. She loves to sit in it and Fiona and Amanda were sliding her back and forth across the carpet. Narcisa seemed to enjoy it. So, yesterday, I decided I would play with her like that too. Only I didn't have someone to push her back to me, so I was pushing her with my foot. That was fine until I sent her into the ottoman face first. She was not happy with me. Honestly, she was fine, just a little miffed. 

Anyway, I am feeling a bit restless today. There is plenty of house cleaning I could do and there are several craft projects I would love to do but don't have the time or quite the amount of energy for. I think I will stick to something simple, easy, like coloring since I am going to leave at some point today. And until lunch time, I think I will visit my fox cookie jar and nurse a small piece of dark chocolate to soothe my temperament.

Monday, August 22, 2016

My fox has all the best treats, lighting a candle for Grandma, and adulting

Had to gank a picture from someone else because my phone is dying and I'm not sure where my camera was put. Anyway, this is what my lovely fox cookie jar looks like. He's currently filled with fall candy- Kit Kats and an assorted mix of mini Hersey's bars. The hope is that we know where it is, but it is out of sight and therefore we won't investigate it as much... that's the hope, doesn't always turn out like that.  

Today, has been a little busy. I took Amanda to work and we stopped by Starbucks- mostly in effort to quell my bubbling road rage. Seriously, I was pissed! There is construction all over and there are three places where even on the highway, it seem there is a bottle neck that slows everything down. When I tried to take my exit, some jack ass just had to speed and zoomed up. Had I not checked my side mirror, we would have been in an accident, especially with how fast he was going. I thought, maybe I hadn't looked enough before trying to take the exit, but after seeing his erratic and dangerous swerving and speeding off the high way, well, I knew it wasn't me. My issues with road rage aren't that I am aggressive in driving at other people. My issue is that I yell at people and growl. I even sometimes flip people off or shake my fist like an old man. 

After Amanda was safely deposited at work, I came home to do my hair and make up for the day. I've been trying to make that effort because sometime it makes me feel better. Then I went to my therapy appointment where a little girl in the waiting room reacted to my make up and hair color, and wanted to know how I did it. I entertained her for a little bit, at least until she lost interest in me, and started fighting with her sister over books. 

I'm at the point where I just want to finish cleaning up the kitchen. I have to cook dinner and clean up after that, of course, but I also just want to clear off the table, sweep and mop the floors and be done with it. But I also want to paint something. I've had the urge since last night and yet at the same time, I just want to lay down and take a nap. Naps are nice, really nice and I am so tired of sitting on the sofa at night and crashing out. It makes watching movies kind of hard.

This weekend I got an e-mail from my Dad. He was at the hospital with my Grandma Evelyn. She'd been throwing up and almost passed out. At the time  he could only report that her potassium levels were very low and that her blood pressure was almost non-existent. Since I had spoken with her only the day before, my mind went to the worst thought imaginable, which was that she was going to die. Because that's what happened with my favorite Uncle. So, I was a bit terrified and called my Dad. Grandma was still alive but not doing very well. To make a long story shorter, Grandma has GERD and some other things going on that I can't spell, she is also almost 90 years old. She can only eat bland food and only certain foods and something didn't sit well with her. It took a day of being in the hospital and drinking water and eating ice chips before she could actually eat again, and only the blandest of things. She's home now, but really sore and not feeling so well. I spoke with her and was much relieved to know she was home and at least feeling a little better.

I decided that while my Grandma, a very devout Christian who doesn't know that I am pagan, might not appreciate a pagan prayer, I was going to do so anyway. I focused on a white candle, because for me white is purity and healing, and said a prayer. I set her and Grandpa's picture up on my altar and lit the candle last night, allowing it to burn almost to the base. I'll light it again tonight to let it finish burning down. It's really the thought that counts and it is one of the few things I can do from where I am.  It's so strange, I keep telling myself that I am ready for when they leave this life, but I'm really not.   

Can't hardly wait for Autumn, we've been moving some stuff around, and cleaning zones.

Fiona has been up visiting. It's been really nice, and even though she doesn't have to be, she's been really helpful. She even made dinner this evening and afterward, she helped me roll my hair up in curlers. Tomorrow she said she would help in the kitchen, which is really nice too, especially since I am trying to get the house on a zone cleaning schedule as well as get it actually, all the way clean. The Bowie room is still a year long work in progress and probably will be until the end of the year. It sucks, but that's the way of things right now. 

We've been in our apartment almost a year now and we're still trying to feel things out. Amanda moved my craft stuff into the living room, near the dining room, after moving my desk into the Bowie room several months ago. Then she decided that the crafts had to go into the Bowie room and my desk needed to go into the bedroom. Not all of this happened all at once, but it happened. Now the altar is where my desk and the craft shelf used to be. I like it. The living room feels a bit more open. However, there is this naked area of the living room that seriously bothers me. For Halloween and later Yule, we will have our respective trees there, but for right now, its so bare! Sterile even. Excuse me while I shudder. 

I almost can't wait for the Autumn season. There is a lot of stuff on my Summer/Fall bucket list that needs to happen. I am pining for cooler weather, pumpkins, vibrant colors, and of course Halloween. September 1st I plan to get the autumn/ Halloween decor out and begin decorating for the season. I also want to start my fall crafting about that time. 

Lastly, I've been having some trouble with my sinuses. Today I feel pretty icky and like I've taken the 1st steps to being down right sick. It doesn't help that we noticed two very large fires burning pretty close up in the mountains. The wind was blowing pretty hard today, which doesn't help the fire crews, and certainly didn't make me feel any better. I know there are more than just the two fires we saw today, but I'm not sure where they are. Anyway, I couldn't smell the smoke today, but I bet we will be able to tomorrow. I wouldn't go out in it, but I have a therapy appointment and need to return some books to the library.   

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Waking songs, escape into art, and I'm not doing it until I have to.

Often I wake up with a song playing in my head, almost like a personal soundtrack stuck on repeat. We don't often listen to music while we sleep mostly because we don't have a radio/cd/record player in the bedroom, and also because pandora will drain my phone battery or do that "are you still listening crap". Oh and a lot of the streaming stations I used to listen to either don't exist anymore or seem to constantly buffer. Anyway back to the point, waking with music in my head. Most of the time it is a song I have heard recently that was stuck in my head during the previous day (it seems like if I'm not thinking about stories, agonizing over something that is bothering me, or tearing a subject apart, there's a song playing in my thoughts). But sometimes I awaken with a song that I haven't heard for awhile. Today it was Funeral of Hearts by H.I.M. 

Now that's kind of interesting because just recently Amanda bought me my 2nd vinyl record and its one of H.I.M.'s. I've  heard the album before but I haven't listened to the vinyl yet. Also, I saw the record sitting on the table yesterday when I was looking for something, but at the time, I had a much different song stuck in my head (I think it was something by Hildegard Von Bingen. I can't remember which song it was but I will link something of hers below), but isn't it weird and neat that something I saw yesterday could invoke a song that I wake up to? I kind of want to look to see if there is science on that.

Hildegard von Bigen

Nene Thomas
 Moving on. Nene Thomas is one of my favorite artists and when we first moved in our apartment, I was in the market to buy some of her art work for our walls. Well, I didn't have too much money to spend and I couldn't decide which piece I liked best, so I bought a calendar and some vinyl record frames and have several lovely pictures of hers hanging in the living room. The one above happens to be one of my favorites. Its a dark-haired witch with a little dragon and lots of my favorite color- green. When I sat down on the sofa with my breakfast this morning, I looked up and saw this picture. Without so much as a thought, I asked the picture "can I come in there today?" I'm not sure why or what spurred that on, it felt more like a sudden desire and impulse. It could also be my subconscious telling me that I need a little bit more time with escapism before I crack down and get to work. I'm only running with that thought because of yesterday's inspiration in watching some anime. I tend to draw my inspiration from things I watch or read and sometimes from music.  

To go along with that, I am not getting dressed until I absolutely have to. I'm also going to lay on the sofa and not beat myself up about taking a nap if I happen to fall asleep.  Fibromyalgia has been kicking my ass lately and so has the PCOS. Yesterday I jarred my back so badly while making dinner, I wanted to vomit, and I did it by hitting my elbow on something. Its nothing new, I do it all the time, but it has never hurt that badly before. Anyway, I am resting today so I can be more refreshed tomorrow. At least, that is my hope. I would like to make a grocery bag holder for my kitchen tomorrow and maybe start planning out my Halloween or Gothic Quilt.  Mary over at Autumn Moon Enchantment has been inspiring me through her blog and Instagram. I saw one of the quilts she is making on instagram and while mine probably won't be as nice (I've only made one small lap quilt) I still want to try more. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Getting to some things and some inspiration

Off and on, over the last couple of years, I have splurged and bought a couple of anime series'. I never seemed to get around to watching them because I was busy or I felt guilty because I wasn't doing homework, Amanda wanted to watch something else, and or I wanted to do something with my hands and couldn't do that and watch it at the same time. Since I knew I was going to need some decompression time when I got out of school, I promised myself that I would save my anime until then. Well, it finally happened. 

Yesterday I started Kamisama Kiss. I thought that I had the whole series but I only have the 1st season, which was made apparent to me when some subplots were left unresolved. At first I thought that this was another of those anime wherein to get the final chapters of the story, I would have to locate the manga and read, which is fine by me, but as it turns out, while there is a manga, there is also a second season. I'm really excited about that because I really liked this anime. It was lighter, fun, and totally adorable. I watched the English dubs this first time around because I like hearing American VA's. Second time around I want to hear the original cast and see the differences in scripting.

Diabolik Lovers...  Make sure you read and pay close attention to the plot description before buying this one. I didn't. I remember thinking, ooo a reverse harem and vampires, oh my I must see this and didn't look any further than that. I had no idea this was based off a visual novel game nor did I realize how rapey it was going to be. I watched the whole 12 episodes thinking, these guys are terrible, surely she's going to kick their asses and put them in their place! I kept hoping there were some redeeming qualities for these boys, but nope, not really, and the dark haired one with glasses is probably the most sinister of the whole group. Apparently there are two more seasons after this and there was also a stage play done of it. I can only hope that by the end of this story something positive comes out of this and the girl kicks the shit out of these boys. I don't understand the whole fascination with women being so subservient, taking abuse, and if they just hang in there and get to the bottom of the whole "he must be misunderstood and hurting" crap. No, it is simply unacceptable and frankly I am deeply bothered that this story line has had such success. 

On a much happier note, I have the final act of Inuyasha and Seirei Moribito to look forward to next and a whole bunch of stuff on netflix and amazon prime. Lastly, I can say that while I was enjoying Kamisam Kiss and cussing the tv out over Diabolik Lovers, I was getting some creative inspiration more so with the latter. I will certainly say that was 1 of 2 positive things  about Diabolik Lovers. The 2nd was that the animation was pretty, at least in the beginning. Kamisama Kiss was pretty the whole way through and really made me happy.