Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Things I want to say in the morning, breakfast, yesterday, and EVEOnline


This is my EVEOnline Character, Meili. She's in the Federal Navy Academy and about to go on a big mission. Well, she will go when I decide to play again. So far, I am frustrated with EVEOnline. There is so much to learn and remember and I'm not even out of the tutorials yet. Honestly, I am little worried of the day that happens. This game is very complex and you can basically do anything you want in it. No really, you can even kill people. You'll get into trouble with Concord and other people, but yeah... I am impressed, overwhelmed, and curious to see what I end up doing with this character. I'm thinking of going career military, but who knows, I might change my mind. It is also nice to play a game with my Dad, even if he has to walk me through a lot. He had to describe what I was looking for last night and it had to be obnoxious. But he said, that it wasn't just me, because he's had some of the same problems. 

Yesterday was not exactly a good day. I had two long running mild panic attacks. Basically the first one began and I managed to get myself out of it and then ten minutes later I had another one. So I put myself to bed, hoping that if I just laid down for a few minutes, I could ground a little better and kind of reset. Well, reset I did, and while I wasn't feeling the best, it was truly helpful. However, I do not want to start relying on going to bed, napping for a bit, to get back to functional. I have some thing my therapist wants me to try and I'm going to employ some of those.


This morning, it is really cold outside. I didn't have time to truly warm the car up before I took Amanda to the park and ride. Prior to that, we were lucky my body woke me to go to the bathroom, else we might have overslept. But as I got back into bed and Amanda told me that we could have ten more minutes but then we would have to get up, I didn't say "Fuck you up the Goat Ass" or "It's too fucking cold for your work bullshit" or even "If you don't shut up and go back to sleep, I'm going to strangle you". And I didn't hiss at the fact that it is a bright sun-shiny day either. Instead, I quietly rest my alarm, turned up the space heater to warm my back and hopefully help soothe the raging beast who hates morning, and rested for a ten more minutes.


After I got home, and of course that's when the car was finally starting to get warm, I wasn't sure what I wanted for breakfast. I thought perhaps a fruit smoothie. But it's cold, I am cold, and adding more cold didn't seem appealing. So I opened the fridge and saw the English Muffins. Score! I cooked up a little sausage while I melted butter on one muffin and melted swiss cheese and mushrooms on another. On the muffin with butter, when I pulled it from the oven, I added my Downton Abbey preserves that I got for Christmas/ Yule. Oh my is it ever delicious!


I turned around a little bit ago and found Thorin curled up on my dish towels. Sorry for the mess, the house is still a disaster and I have no drive to fix it. Well, I do, but lack the energy really.


Thorin also likes to walk across my computer, sit on it, and generally make mischief while I am trying to do anything on it. He just wants my attention, I know. But he also wants to be held. My solution, while he is still small, is to stick him in my hoodie. He seems to like it. He gets held, is warm, and I get to type. He and Narcisa aren't so different after all, I had to do much the same for her when she was little.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

DIY Canopy!

Amanda and I decided that we wanted a canopied bed again. We had one years ago. I had bought us a metal hell-beast of a four poster canopy from a furniture store that is no longer in business. I wonder why? Consider that when they sold us the bed, they gave us a shit frame that didn't fit properly and if you wiggled on the bed too much, the bed would fall through at one of the corners. We had to use 1x4s and lots of wire to keep it together. Finally, after enough falling, we tossed the frame. We kept the curtains we'd bought for it.

I found this tutorial on Pinterest not too long ago and showed it to Amanda.  Several months later and a two hour trip to Lowes for some PVC Pipe, elbow joints, and some ceiling hooks, and we have a canopy.


The materials we used were as follows: (Since I wasn't involved in the making, I don't have the step by step process)

3 10ft half inch PVC pipes which we had cut at Lowes.
2 elbow joints and 2 end caps.
7 5inch ceiling hooks. 
6 black sheer curtains
Two strands of Christmas lights.

We do not have the bar where the head of the bed is. We skipped that piece.


These photos are pre-Christmas lights and when this Spring or Summer rolls around, we will take the pipes down and outside and paint them black. I'm planning to make something pretty for the corners so we don't have the ugly elbow joints sticking out. To that effect, I have some die cut spider web garland I want to paint and hang as well as some bat garland. I'm not sure which will make it to the bed, but one of those will.


We sort of have a mishmash of decor in the bedroom. Some of it is Goth, some is Anime, some is Asian, complete with the family made quilts and few stuffed animals. Eventually, I will get some things better organized- Amanda wants to get me a proper vanity/ dressing table because I apparently need drawers- I will get some pictures of the overall room. Honestly, at the moment it is the cleanest room of the house... for now....



Monday, January 9, 2017

And now for a post that makes sense, Bat Fit 2017, mouse fails.


We have a bit more snow than this...quite a bit more. In fact, I was taking a friend to her doctor's appointment today and Amanda's Kia Optima got temporarily in the snow, going up a hill. It was exciting- apart from the old man yelling at me. A note on that, it is more effective to calmly give me instructions than to scream them at me.

Okay, because I am unsure how much I got into my last post about Narcisa and all my attempts to read said post have been unsuccessful, I'm going to update her situation now. Amanda and I took our furry princess to the vet because her voice sounded awful and we had suspicions that she was sick. There was also a fear that she was really sick due to her penchant for eating whole pawfuls of fireplace ash. Seriously, we were fighting her to stop, moving the ash bucket, covering the ash bucket. As it turns out the Vet thinks Narcisa is a freak for eating the ash, has never had a cat who has done that, and considering her love of eating random things, she has pica. Further, he thinks that she may have caught the little cold that Throin brought home with him when we adopted him and it was wearing off. But because she growled and hissed so much on top of eating ash, her throat is basically just aggravated and if she doesn't get better in a week or so, we are to take her back in. She is getting better though.

Bat Fit 2017 Link
Bat fit is something that I have been interested in for the last couple of years. Some of my blogger friends have participated in that time and it just seemed like something kind of out of my reach, per se.  Well this year, I am going to take a stab at it with a sharp stick and see what happens. So to revisit my list from a previous blog addressing something similar to this, I'm going to go into more detail about what those things mean and a little of my action plans on how to work on them. These are not really resolutions, they aren't even really goals, they are just things I want to work on so as not to set myself up for failure. The idea is to have positive experiences, not stress myself out and tear myself down trying to achieve things outside my limits. 

1. Health
While my overall health appears to be good- at least according to my blood work, minus anemia, I am over weight. In fact, if I were to use the clinical term "Morbidly obese". I have been struggling with my weight for over the last decade, clear back to the end of high school. From depression to fucked up period patterns and horrible heavy bleeding, and medication, none of this has been easy. Thrown in fibromyaliga and a herniated disk plus an affinity for sedentary activities (reading, writing, movie watching, sewing, and other various crafts), I've been fighting an up hill battle. Actually, I fight it even when I've gone to the gym and swam every day or done an mile on the elliptical every day.  Do I want to lose weight? Yes, of course, there are far too many lovely Goth fashions I want to wear. Plus making and buying clothes would be cheaper too. But I am not going to make myself miserable trying to lose weight. I could run myself ragged and never get anywhere.  

Instead, Amanda and I are going to start the weightloss hypnotherapy disks left over from a few years ago. It had been working a little bit but then we lost control of what food we ate when we lost our food stamps and her mother was buying and cooking our meals. I kind of just said fuck it and threw in the towel. So, back to that and eating smaller portions. We don't typically eat too terribly anyway. I try to maintain a high protein diet with veggies and fruit. We are also going to start a yoga regimen with a friend of ours. I will do that until I have my hysterectomy, take some time off for that, and then once healed, go back to doing it. 

2. Writing
Writing is hard for me. I've had really negative thoughts about it. The joy of it has been sucked clean from it and it became more of a chore than anything else. There are several reasons why, most of which stem from crippling lack of self esteem, self loathing, self doubt, and outside factors beyond my control. When that went, one of the foundations for my personal "joy" was snuffed out. I've been trying for the last year to get it back and that in and of itself has been an internal fight. I've thought many times that maybe I'm just not supposed to be a writer anymore, that that ship had sailed, and that I am desperately holding onto something that was never meant to be. Those thoughts hurt me in ways I can't describe. So, maybe there is hope yet. 

I would like to begin a writing group. I'm also going to write at least 6 hours a week as prescribed by Brandon Sanderson (author of the Mistborn series) from his college writing course. It is on Youtube and the link is here  

3. Wedding
We don't have a lot of money for this venture in our lives, but we we want to make it as nice as possible. I'm going to start a Gofundme page to help get my parents up for the wedding just as soon as I get over my hang up of begging other people for money to make something good happen in my life. Because that is what this feels like.  Secondly, I want it to be as easy and smooth as possible. We've enlisted one friend to help with some projects and will probably be enlisting a couple of others.  As for one of our big stumbling blocks, dresses, If I can't find what I like on Torrid come prom season, I have patterns to make what I want and have informed Amanda as such. She said okay. 

4. Crafts
In general, I'm going to work on various craft projects in various mediums, as the year progresses. From sewing, paper crafts, painting, and crochet, I want to get a couple of big projects finished by next Yule. 

5. Heathen and Witch Study and practices
There are books I have been meaning to read that I feel I am ready for. There is a lot I wish to learn and I do have some ideas of what I want to explore where I feel drawn to go spiritually. Frankly there are also somethings that I have always wanted to do- like learn to read Tarot and Runes and so forth. I also want to explore Seidr. 

6. Reading my usual 20 books a year and hopefully more
Ever since high school I have had a goal to read 20 books a year. I don't always achieve that goal, some years I only get 5 read and some years I manage 42. Reading expands knowledge and helps to hone writing and vocab, shows style and so on. Plus it is really fun. 

7. Quiet time for myself as well as Amanda and I, together.
I need self care time that I don't beat myself up about. I am terrible with that. In fact, I often feel guilt for taking time to myself when I should be doing this or that. It only keeps the self hatred cycle going. So, I am going to try and do some things for myself whether coloring a picture, taking time to do crafts or read, watch a show or movie, or just sit and listen to music. I also want to get back to doing things that make me feel pretty, like putting on make up and doing my hair every day. Painting my finger nails, plucking my eyebrows and so on. 

I also want to have time just for Amanda and I. We need time to watch movies together, to talk, to go out and do things even if it is just to go for a drive. So much of our lives is surrounded by other people and while we love our friends, sometimes, we just need time to be together. 

Anyway, those are things I'm working on for Bat Fit 2017. If they all happen or they all go anywhere good, I will be pleased, but I'm not going to beat myself up about not getting everything done. 

Lastly, I bought a new gaming mouse so I could play Eveonline a little easier. It seems that this mouse and I are not getting along very well at the moment. I am going to do some trouble shooting and if it doesn't work like it is supposed to, I can hopefully send it back.

For now, I need to work on making fruit sushi and chicken teriyaki sushi for dinner. Amanda was supposed to do it but she's fallen asleep... again. 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Blur, planner stuff, shit not together, kitty and the vet.


For Yule/Christmas, Amanda bought me sticker paper I can run through the printer. Yesterday morning, after I took her to work, I put the new ink cartridges in our printer and set out to print several affirmations that I really liked and had been saving. The above picture is just one of them. Affirmations, I'm finding out, only work if you say them regularly and actually try to believe them. When you don't feel up to much of anything, you fall short and they have lackluster meaning. 

Prior to Yule/ Christmas my Grandparents had sent some money as part of their gift to us and I used a little to purchase some planner sticker files from various sellers on Etsy. These are not all that I bought, just a few. I did pick up a couple of Halloween themed sets, a cat set in the color green, a winter set, and a mermaid set. What can I say, I'm an eclectic mess. 

pixielandfarm

TinyRelics

PrettyPlanningCo

ilove2print


I feel the urgency of this affirmation surging throughout, but the for life of me, I cannot seem to make myself do anything. Lethargy has taken hold. The last couple of days have been a down right blur between sleep and wakefulness. I've taken Narcisa to the vet (she is okay), Amanda to work, gone to the doctor, to therapy, to the store, run errands, and tried and failed to at least get my kitchen clean. Point of fact, ever since Halloween, we haven't been able to keep the house as clean as I would like. I can't seem to find things, or even stay motivated. I go through periods like this more often than naught and I'm afriad it's only going to get worse. My gynecologist prescribed me progesterone to hopefully shut my period off for a a few days and when I stop taking it I will have a "revenge" period as Amanda called it. After which time, he needs to go in and do a pap to make sure I don't have cancerous cells. We're moving toward a hysterectomy, thank the Gods! My blood work screams anemia and as soon as my uterus is out, that will begin to fix itself. I almost can't wait to have more energy again. 

Speaking of blood work, my previous primary care physician was absolutely sure- just by looking at me- that I am diabetic. You know because I am fat. She also wanted to sell me supplements that I couldn't afford- because she could make money- claiming they were non GMO and 100% organic. Well, my blood work would have been a huge disappointment to her. In fact, when I got my lab results back and saw my A1C, I had Amanda call her parents, who are both diabetic, and check to see what is good and what is considered diabetic. I'm not, not even close! But like I said before, I am very anemic. My new primary care physician prescribed a multivitamin with iron in it. 

Aside from that I have been sleeping a lot. Slept most of yesterday and all of last night. It doesn't help that I have a cute little orange kitten who likes to curl up on my chest. He is warm and soft. Thorin is curled up next to my feet at the moment, under the blanket. I'm starting to fade again, so I will end here and take my nap. I've stopped fighting against the sleep monster and hopefully soon, I won't have to, at least not for these reasons.   

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

2017 beginning with no illusions.


2016 is over and we are 3 days into 2017. I can honestly say that I have no expectations for this year to be any better or any worse than the last. I have hopes that it will be better; Amanda and I are getting married this October. But then again the wedding, at this point in time, is a source of heart break for me. When I think about what should be one of the happiest days of my life, I'm filled with dread and feel the urge to vomit. It's not pre-wedding jitters or even the ceremony or dresses or normal things, its that my parents aren't planning to be there. This isn't because they don't want to be. It isn't because they are morally opposed to my religious/ spiritual choices or even that they are opposed to be marrying a woman. In fact, my parents want me to get married and be happy. No, it's that they don't have the money to come up and I'm not sure Amanda and I will have the money to help them get up. Friends have helped me search for alternative modes of transportation and my Dad even suggested we Skype the damned ceremony. I could do that, I could spend all my time worrying about whether or not cell reception is working, if the connection will hold, if my Parents can see and hear it. But I wanted my Mom to fuss over my hair and I want my Dad to walk me down the isle. But like Great Grandma Ireland always said, "It doesn't hurt you to want". Except in this case, it really does. So, fuck it all. I'm taking a friend's suggestion and I am going to start a "Go Fund Me" page dedicated toward air fair or gas to get my parents from Kansas to Washington. 

Narcisa has been sick lately. We thought it was just a cold that would clear up on its own, but her voice sounds awful. I made her an appointment today with the vet and will be taking her Thursday. Hopefully we can figure out what's wrong with her and help her feel better. She and Thorin are getting along. She even let him cuddle her last night. It was quite cute. 

On to the picture above. I think I mentioned that I was beginning to play EVEOnline- the free version of course- and if I didn't, well, now you know. There is a lot to this game, no really, there is. You can basically do anything in it and its really neat. So far, for a hour or so that I have played, I like the graphics, the music, and while there's a lot to learn, I think I will get the hang of it. 

Back to the new year. I did not make resolutions and haven't really since middle school. So instead I made a list of things I want to work on. They don't have to be complete, since any are on going works, have been, and will be for many years to come. I made a list of seven, just because I thought that was a reasonable and feesable number, and I like odd numbers.

1. Health
2. Writing
3. Wedding
4. Crafts- sewing to painting and so on
5. Heathen and Witch study and practices
6. Reading my usual 20 books a year and hopefully more
7. Quiet time for myself as well as time for just Amanda and I. 


Lastly, Amanda and I went to the Garland Theatre here in town to see Princess Mononoke on the big screen. I really love this theatre because they show old movies and Anime and they aren't horribly expensive. In fact, we only paid 5.00 dollars to get in tonight. We might go to the Labyrinth next week.  

Friday, December 23, 2016

New family addition, Yule, compliments are scary, and snow.


Meet Thorin Oakenshield. He is a 4 month old orange tabby we adopted from Partners For Pets and it seems he was runt of the litter. We don't mind, he's wonderful. He is also very soft, sweet, and cuddly and I love his coloring.  Our friend Chris, who volunteers at the rescue, helped us with his adoption fee as part of our Yule/Christmas present. It is always a little difficult going into the shelter because there are so many great kitties there that I just want to wrap up in a blanket and bring home. However, I do love that this place is a true no kill shelter. In fact they have a cat or two that they've taken off the adoption roster for whatever reason, and those kitties will live out the rest of their lives at the shelter. 


Excuse my sans-makeup appearance. Thorin is quite the little boob man/ shoulder kitty. He loves to curl up in your face. However, he is afraid of my sewing machine. Poor thing trembles when its going. He will get used to it, or I will put him in a safe place with his blanket and toys when I need to use it again. 

It is snowing here again today and I love it. 

We had a really awesome Yule. Amanda and I went to our friends J and L's house where it was packed full of new and familiar faces. It was good to catch up with people I hadn't seen in awhile and make new friends. But it was so crowded in the house that I spent most of my time outside by the fire pits. There were two under the pavilion/ tent J had erected. Our friend Dani did the welcoming the baby sun ritual she'd done the year before. I love that ritual! Technology crapped out on her a little bit, but it was still great. Later we had Sumble and honored the Gods, Ancestors, and Folk. That was amazing! J's altar for the Gods was simply beautiful! I will talk a little more about me experience there over on my pagan blog. Anyway, there was delicious home brewed beer and mead, plenty of food, and such pleasant and fun fellowship. But it was fucking cold! Like I said, we spent most of the night outside and despite having a little bit of shelter and two fires, and me wearing two hoodies and a reindeer hide, I was still freezing. But, we made it the whole night, watched the sun rise, and made it home safely. It did take me over an hour to warm up, but it was worth it!

Compliments are really hard for me. They always have been and I'm awkward in receiving them, but also, while I know they are genuine from others, they feel not... right somehow. I expressed as much to Amanda, asking her to deliver some Yule gifts to J, L, Dani, and her husband. She apparently told Dani's husband that I have a hard time accepting compliments and that she is trying to help me with that, so of course I got a little confronted, hugged, and told how great my presents were. I haven't finished everyone who is on my list's gift, but I will share the four I had finished that night. Each one had some homemade soap I'd made earlier in the year. All of the bags are hand embroidered and sewn by me. By the by, knot work is a pain in the ass to do. 


Umbreon for L, because she had a kick ass sexy cosplay as Umbreon and likes anime and Pokemon Go.


Vegvisir for J because he travels a lot and is a leader of his and Dani's husbands Kindred. 


Hugin and Munin for Dani's husband because I know he has some deep conversations and he does a lot on Heathen forums. 


An owl for Dani because I know she likes them, I heard about an experience from a festival she went to, and I think I remembered someone saying that it is her spirit animal. None of the bags are the same size because I haven't decided on a size that I like and some came out smaller than I wanted. It was an experiment and I am learning from it, so that's a bonus for me. Anyway, I have several more to make and am running out of time. Some gifts may have to be sent out or delivered late this year. I miscalculated on how long things would take despite starting at Thanksgiving. 

I'm starting to lose my focus, so I will end here for today. Suffice it to say we have been busy, Amanda's set the kitchen on fire as true to the nick name my Dad gave her, "sparky". We still find the stray piece of glass from the dish that exploded- she forgot to turn off a burner and set a dish of Baklava on it- now and then, despite being really careful to get it all cleaned up. My endless period is also very bad today and I am having trouble staying awake.  Tsuki is also here, so I need to get off my computer. 

Hope everyone had a fantastic Yule and if I don't post again before Christmas, have a happy one! 


Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Overloaded, disappointed, and no matter what, I am going to find something positive.

from a wallpaper site

There's no better way to ring in the holiday season than a bout of sickness. That's me being sarcastic, but I will get to that more in depth in a moment. First I would like to point out that while I enjoyed the food at Amanda's cousin's restaurant, while I was tickled silly over the singing quartet of elderly men who came in and sang us three songs at Amanda's family Christmas party, and even enjoyed the snow that day as well as my exchange gift (lavender sage hand soap and lotion), I did not enjoy the surge of panic that came along with it. To say that Amanda's family overwhelms me is an understatement of vast proportions. When you get the sisters together (there are six of them) in any combination or number, things are loud, you can't get a word in- there is no point in trying they are going to interrupt and talk over you anyway- you're in for a period of time in which you can't decide if you should run and hide or if you should observe because this might be good fodder for story writing. Then if you add in the kids and the cousins- we had a rather small turn out this year mind you- and pack the into a small place, the noise is much louder, the chaos is worse, and then you stick me in against a wall (because it's the only safe place where there is any breathing room) between two tables and a lot of people scooting and pushing about, Oh My God! I had a lot of problems with my claustrophobia. And, in fact, I was so overwhelmed, that when we finally got home several hours later, I had to do dishes just to calm myself down.  However, thank the gods for the snow! It was the quickest Christmas party to date on account of people worrying whether or not they were going to make it over the pass. While I dread any family gathering of Amanda's or even my family, it wasn't completely a bad time.

Amanda and I are still sick. We finally gave up and went to Urgent Care- mostly because she still needed to go to work and couldn't wait around on her doctor to have an opening and because my doctor doesn't do same day appointments. I apparently have the tail end of a sinus infection (even though I told the guy I saw that it does't feel so much in my sinuses but more in my chest and I am still coughing until I throw up and hacking up bright avocado green ick- yeah, you'll think about that next time you eat avocados won't you?). Instead of just giving me antibiotics to clear the rest out, I was given some cough medicine and nose spray. We will see how well that works. Amanda was given steroids, an inhaler, and cough medicine for an upper respiratory infection. Um, okay. We will see how well that works for her too. If it doesn't, we will be back at urgent care tapping our feet and giving them the stink eye.

I am, for once in my life, really disappointed in my father. There is a job opening at Amanda's job that he is perfect for. Amanda spoke to her boss about it and her boss said my Dad would fit in really well with the security guys there. He was even guaranteed an interview because Amanda works there and could vouch for him, and he might have actually gotten the job. More to the point, we would have let my parents move in with us for as long as they needed to get on their feet. But no, my Dad won't apply for the job and while I understand his reason of him never being able to forgive himself if he got it and took it and having to leave Grandma and Grandpa behind, I am really pissed because that means that he and Mom will be still be stuck in limbo with him have no prospects. It is maddening! What's more, the selfish part of me wants to smack him and say, remember how you felt bad about working too much and us never taking family vacations, you never making me promises, and all that crap, well you could make it up to me by moving up here, and easing my worry about you and Mom, and being close so I could actually spend time with you. But no, their lively hood and anything I want for them or feel doesn't matter over his possibly guilt. Thanks Dad, in a way, you just reinforced some "i'm not important enough feelings" that I have been struggling with. And that my help with mom, who you say is overwhelming you, isn't going to be good enough. Well fuck you too.

That aside, yesterday was a non-stop day. We went to Urgent Care, came home picked up Tsuki, and then Tsuki and I took Amanda to work and went to Winco, where my back kept trying to lock up on me. From there we went to the pharmacy, Wal-mart, McDonalds, and then to Tsuki's house to drop her and her groceries off. Then I drive back downtown to pick Amanda up from work, took the library books back to the library, and came home to cook dinner. The day was filled with a certain amount of embittered sass, a little bit of annoyed road rage, and emotional outbursts. The outbursts took place while I was trying to make dinner. All my anger and frustration exploded in the form of me yelling, slamming cabinets, throwing a package of spaghetti right into the trash only to have it burst and go everywhere. I was exhausted, hurting so much, and just wanted to scream. Oh and I have to rearrange the tupperware and bakeware cabinet because nothing would going in right so I slammed shit around in there. I also got pissed off at my dishwasher. Needless to say, I flipped my shit.

Part of the reason why I was flipping my shit is because I feel so selfish when I try to focus on me, when I want things for myself, and that shit with my Dad. Another reason was because I have gained weight again and I am trying so hard to be kind to myself. It is such a struggle because I have so many years of pent up rage, anger, and hate inside for my body. One of my friends wrote about hating herself and her body just recently and I understand what she is talking about- but from my perspective. I keep telling myself that it is okay to feel these things, to address them and look them in the face, so I can deal with them, but it is fucking hard. It is hard to say, I love myself when I can't push the car seat back any further, and my stomach touches the steering wheel. It is difficult to say I love myself when I am afraid to sleep because my period is so heavy that if I move wrong, or even cough, out gushes a ton of blood. It is hard to say I love myself when I'm having panic attacks about making phone calls to schedule appointments, going to store, and even taking a shower sometimes. It's hard to say I love myself when everything hurts from fibromyalgia. And it is hard to say I love myself when you are terrified that the one time you got drunk at a friend's house, you said something that probably offended a friend and you're already worried that said friend and well friends only tolerate you because you are engaged to Amanda. Yeah, I just said it. I think everyone likes Amanda more and just tolerates me because they want to hang out with her. I am only as good as what I can give or do for other people and beyond that, nothing. I don't make people happy, I can't make them laugh. I am certain most people think me clueless and stupid and don't take me seriously.

I hate my depression and anxiety so much. You have no idea how much it makes me angry. Sometimes, I want to tear my skin off or cut away pieces of myself.  Oh well, I keep telling myself that you have to get worse before you can get better and I am trying to get better. A friend of mine gave me affirmation stickers and one of them says something to the effect "Would you talk to your best friend they way you talk to yourself?" The answer is no, I really wouldn't. I love my friends and I don't want to hurt them or see them hurt by anything or anyone. So why is it okay for me allow the opposite for myself? And why does taking time, focusing on myself and trying to be kind to myself feel so selfish and wrong? Who the hell taught me that or let me believe that? 

Okay last thing and it is a happy one, per se. Amanda, after lots of whining, begging, and puppy-dog eyes, conned me in to doing a written role play with her. I am hesitant to do written role plays because they rarely get finished and I often neglect my own writing in favor of the RP. I do like writing with Amanda though. So last night we were talking about what we were going to write. I'm going to be an Elf, because that's what I was feeling and they are one of my favorite beings. Amanda is going to be a Dragon- also one of my favorite beings. However, I told her that I would only do this RP if she was at my complete and utter disposal for my own writing, that we only did one post a day, and that she has to write at least one page on her novel a week. I want her to finish the damned thing and if this is the only way to push her into it, then damn it, so be it! That said, I do have to come up with a first post today. Good thing it's still early in the day and I already have the roast cooking.