Tuesday, November 29, 2016

All she wants for Christmas/ Yule, a friend's tonics, surprise awakenings

Just a pic I found, not my actual kitty...

Amanda wants a kitty for Christmas/ Yule. Both of us have been wanting another baby in the house for awhile now and have been perusing adoption sites off and on. Well, last night, Amanda really started kitty shopping. She showed me so many beautiful cats and I really want them all. It looks like, at the moment at least, we might be getting a little orange Manx boy or girl. Amanda called the breeder today to talk her about the kittens and so far we like what we have heard from the woman and how she is taking care of the cats. Now typically we would never go to a breeder, preferring animal shelters, and we are still looking at the shelters in case we don't mesh with the Manx kitties. I don't know if Amanda is dead set on one of them yet, but we will see. 

My friend Aine saved my butt last night. She brought over a care package consisting of two syrups and a tincture because I am sick. I felt bad because I wanted to pay her for them, I know this stuff isn't necessarily cheap to make, but she didn't care. I'm already feeling a little bit better and one of the syrups she made is relaxing and breaking up all the ick in my chest. I actually coughed up a bit in the middle of the night last night. It was so nice to get that crud out of me. I so have to make her dinner or something. 

Now, since I awoke in the middle of the night to cough stuff up, I'd decided it might be best to go sit up on the sofa. Well, that's all fine and dandy until the maintenance men knock on your door and come into your apartment. Now, I'd still been asleep, was dressed only in tank top and my underwear with a throw blanket over my lap. Because I've so much drainage and what not, I haven't been able to talk very well, add just having been woken up, and yeah, I wasn't going to say anything. I just pulled my blanket up higher and sat really still. Thankfully there is a wall between my kitchen and living room so they couldn't see me unless they came further into the house. However, Amanda was asleep in the bedroom and I was kind of hoping that she would snore. For all her loud snores, the one time we needed her to snore, she didn't, lol. She had kind of woken up too but was hiding as well. 

Anyway, while the guys were changing out the lock, one of them told the other one to keep an eye out because we have a cat. I am thankful and so pleased that he remembered that and was mindful. They also didn't think we were home despite the car being parked outside. But then they were talking about management being so hot to trot on getting the locks changed, especially in my building because "he" -I will explain who I think "he" is in a moment- still has master keys to some apartments and things have been going missing from people in this building. Now, there was a maintenance man who lived in the building beside ours and he was a nice guy but he and his kids suddenly disappeared one day. Given that I don't generally converse with my neighbors, except in passing, I figured he just moved to another complex under the housing authority people along with a manager who left about the same time. But who else would have master keys to apartments other than management and maintenance? No one, unless they stole the keys. Now, this is just my conjecture, it may not be that maintenance man, but my gut leans that direction. 

Well, we have new a new lock now, so any keys we made for friends and family are now useless. If we want any extra keys to our apartment made, we can't get the made ourselves. We have to put in a work order with the office and it will cost us 8 dollars a key. Which, I kind of think is bull shit and a way for them to make some money off of us. However, I am going to have to get at least one spare made for when we go out of town, so someone can come check on Narcisa and the very possible new kitty.

In other apartment news, our lease is up this month and when I asked about it, the manager said that we would be going to a month-to-month type of lease. Which basically means they can raise the rent when ever they want and we will no longer be locked into one set price. That makes me just a tad bit nervous. So, I am kind of looking for back up places in case we need or have to move. And we might have to if my Dad gets a job up here. *fingers crossed*

Speaking of my parents, I learned that my mother's neurologist did drop her as a patient, but not because he didn't want to deal with her, it was because she doesn't have medical insurance and because he is pretty sure she has some kind of movement disorder. Of course the nearest specialist is in Kansas City. My parents can't afford to go there, they can't afford the wear and tear on their truck either. So he called my mom's primary physician and explained to her what is going on. He doesn't see the reason for my parents to shell out money they don't have for him to see my mom, when Mom's primary doctor can give her the medicine. So there is that, at least. However, at the moment, my mom has pneumonia and my Dad hasn't been feeling so great lately either. 
Lastly, I talked to my friend Felicia this morning. I am passed all those initial, negative feelings about her eldest daughter. I think I just needed to feel them that night acknowledge them, and let them go. Now, I am just really sad and back to wishing there was something I could do to help, to make things easier for their family. But my feelings aside, I listened to Felicia's misgivings about their coming move back to Arizona. It sounds like she doesn't really want to go, that she is worried about a lot. Also, her husband and his sister are taking care of everything and not letting her know what's going on. It is driving her nuts. Which raises a lot of red flags for me. Communication is a big thing for me when in a relationship and with their family, having 4 kids, having a daughter with special needs and perhaps other mental issues, who has proven herself to be violent and vindictive and threatening, you have to be on the same page period. My biggest fear for them is that they will get down there and everything will blow up in their faces. I know these are not my battles, but they Felicia is like a sister to me, I love her kids, and yeah, her husband can be a dick sometimes, but he's family too. I want what is best for them, and yes, even if it means that they have to move away.

Monday, November 28, 2016

So much work, Xmas/ Yule, Sick, Snow, Happy Kitty

I couldn't tell you...

Much to my great annoyance, I am sick again. Last night I spent a good deal of time shivering in front of the space heater waiting for Ibuprofen to kick in, and kill the fever. That really sucked and it was worse when it did finally break because then I was drenched with sweat. I did manage to get to sleep for a little while, but woke up with a runny nose and said screw it, got up, and went to sleep sitting up on the sofa. Of course I awoke freezing again. But for a little while, last night, I got to watch it snow. It was beautiful! I know a lot of people around me don't care much for snow, I know it rainy and snowy weather makes them ache and hurt more. Well, it does the same to me, but I am happiest when it's overcast, rainy, or snowy. Even when I am sick.

I have a lot of work to do between now and Yule and then Christmas. I haven't been working on presents the last couple of days, but today, I am going to get my butt in gear as much as I am able. Unfortunately, some of friends read my blog and so I can't disclose what I am doing. I will take pictures of finished goods and share them after people have received their gifts. And unfortunately, this year's Yule and Christmas are going to be a little sparse. Amanda and I are making things because we can't afford much. 

Last night, instead of cleaning the house like we said we were going to do, Amanda and I packed away all of the Halloween stuffs, and pulled out the Christmas/ Yule decor. We made a couple of bags of "to go" because there are some things that we don't want or need anymore, much less have the room for. That and I really like the more "natural" look or as some people might call it, "Rustic". Our tree, for the moment is a 4 foot fiber optic leaning thing that is driving Amanda nuts. She was so frustrated with it last night that I told her we would get the other tree from her parents, take the ornaments off the fiber optic tree, put them on the soon to be acquired tree, and move the fiber optic one to the kitchen table- which is now in front of the kitchen window. This way we have more pretty lights and Amanda will be happier. When we get everything in place, I will take pictures.  

I don't know why Amanda likes some of my wild ideas sometimes. I said, in more of a passing thought than anything, that it might be cool to move the bed out into the living room so we could enjoy the Christmas lights and fireplace. *facepalm* She took me seriously. She wants to move the sofa, and all the living room furniture around to make this happen because no one will be coming to visit us really this winter so why not?! I don't think its a good idea. I like going to the other room to go to bed. Except sometimes, like when I am sick and need to sleep sitting up on the sofa and want her company, but she will only sleep in the bed- because she is lame like that. 

We have a very happy kitty. Amanda moved Narcisa's bed from in front of one of the windows in the living room and put it between the side table holding our Christmas tree and the fire place. Our friend Tsuki gave me a small, round heating pad for when my cramps are really bad, but I have this terrible habit of falling asleep with the heating pad on, thus I haven't been using it much. Well, Amanda gave it a slightly new purpose, tucking it under the frist layer of blankets on Narcisa's kitty bed. She loves it! She melts into a black, furry, puddle. Amanda also set up a couple of Narcisa's stuffed animal toys along the wall like pillows. Not only does my cat have a better bed than I do, but its cuter too.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Death Parade, Pissed off Grandma a little bit, a world of anger, frustration, and hurt, can't stop crying.

I really want snow, even more than I did the last time I posted. 

Amanda and I have begun watching Death Parade. It;s an interesting anime about beings who judge where people go when they die. 

In other news I pissed off my Grandma by saying that my friend Felicia's eldest sister insisting that she take her Autistic and probably psychopathic daughter to church will basically be a cure all wasn't going to help anything or be worth it. I said that church can't and won't fix her. My reasoning is that the person going to church has to want to go, has to have a desire for it help. The child in question doesn't care about anything or anyone but herself. Its not her fault, mentally she just doesn't operate that way. What is important is getting her into extensive therapy so she doesn't end up hurting herself or those around her in the mean time and in the long term, doesn't end up dead or in jail.

Speaking of said child, I admit to hating her last night. I allowed myself to hate her for a few hours, let myself feel that emotion, and told myself that I could be irrational and selfish but that tomorrow- which is now today- I needed to let that go. So far so good. The reason for my hostile feelings spring from the fact that Felicia and her husband told us last night that they are moving back to Arizona. It all boils down to their eldest daughter. Felicia is the first person since I left Kansas that I could feel completely relaxed around, let my guard down around, and she didn't judge me for just being me. She's my soul sister and I got attached her and her family, and now they are leaving. So, I can't stop crying. I cried the whole way home from their house, I cried a couple of times last night, and I've cried off and on all morning. Felicia admitted to me last night that she is worried about me. Yeah, well, so is my therapist to be honest. 

I've seen some upsetting things on the internet- mostly facebook- the last couple of days. Someone shared a video of speech by some guy of a group called Alt-Right. I saw hitler salutes in the vid, I heard disturbing things said, and I was left a little scared and disgusted. I can't believe in this day and age, when this fucking planet has so much going for it, there is still so much racism. I've seen a story abut a little black boy getting attacked too. Hate crimes are on the rise, there was even a guy in South Africa who was kidnapped and two white men tried to stuff him in a coffin. Who does that to a person?! On top of it, there's all the crap happening in South Dakota with the stupid pipeline. Plice are spraying Native Americans with water cannons, shooting them with rubber bullets, and mace and just because they want to protect water. I am tried of racism, politics, stupid people, and I just want snow. 

On a more positive note, I now have a gynocologist. Amanda took the day off to go with me because I don't want to go alone. Still working on a new doctor. I have to wait until the office is open again and go fill out a medical records release form, have my doctor fax my records to the new doctor where he will look them over and let me know if he wants to take me on or not. 

Other than that, I did do a little black friday shopping today. I went to Joann's fabic and craft store and spent 35 dollars and apparently saved 106 dollars. I basically just got some supplies for xmas/yule presents, found a couple of Halloween clearance items, found 5 sewing patterns (they had a 5 for 5 dollars sale), and got the heck out of there.   

Monday, November 21, 2016

Season's chill, adjustments, and doing things I dread.

Found this one on desktop nexus. Gonna look for the artist, love it this work!

Today I am trying a new schedule per se. I haven't typed it up and Amanda told me not to make it so rigid as my last one, but to allow for some flexibility. The purpose of this is for me to allow myself time and give myself permission to do all the things I want and need to do. A large part of my problem, I've discovered, is that I have been unconsciously waiting for someone to give me permission to do things. But why? I still don't really know the answer to that, unless it has to do with a lost of independence and self stability, self esteem, and confidence. Probably just hit the nail on the head right there. Any way, I am trying out 2 hour increments with wiggle room in case I go over on a few things. Frankly, as hard as it is going to be, I need to stop beating myself up about stupid shit.

This morning there was a nice chill in the air. I cracked the bedroom window last night and had the fan on the highest it would go. Because Amanda is a veritable furnace, I am still sleeping with just a sheet and summer quilt. She fuses that it's cold meanwhile I am loving it! Besides, the best part is getting to snuggle down in the covers or being able to curl up on the sofa in the living room with a cozy blanket, coffee, and the space heater for a little bit before having to take her to work. 

We have a winter bucket list of sorts. One of those things is to play in the snow when it comes. I want snow to come so bad. I'm the kind of person that finds the above picture so terribly inviting. I keep checking the weather radar looking for snow and complaining about all the other places around us that are getting it while we aren't. Some of my friends might think I  am sick, but damn it, part of the draw for me to move up here, was the promise of more snow. More snow means making more snow dragons, sofas, and igloos! 

Of course with all my hoping for snow and lots of it, this means that the tug of winter and the Yuletide season is strong. Amanda and I both have felt the pull to put away the Halloween decor and bring Yule back. We brought home an Xmas tree from her parents house and will be working on setting it up and other things over the next week or so. 

Lastly, today I am going to do things I dread. Because I am done with my current doctor and her bullshit- she claims that she didn't refill my depression medication because the pharmacy sent her a note saying that I am not taking it properly, which is total crap, and I still haven't received a referral for a GYN specialist like she said she was going to get me- I am on the hunt for a new doctor and I'm going to find my own GYN. Of course this means I will be on the phone with strangers, which after working in two call centers and having a breakdown from it, I pretty much stare at my phone with trepidation when it rings. If I know the person, I will answer, if I don't, forget it. And sometimes, I can't being myself to answer if I do know the person. I hate calling people too, unless, again it is someone I know, and generally speaking I don't like to have long drawn out conversations. But, unfortunately today I have to deal with my necessary evil and just get it done and over with. I'm promising myself a nap with it's done. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Wal-Mart Creeper, it's deliciously cold, the ick has arrived, and my therapist is amazeballs!

Art by Nene Thomas

Because of my therapist advocating for me by leaving a rather terse and testy message for my soon to be ex-doctor, I finally have my depression medication again. My doctor left a lame excuse on my voice mail saying that the pharmacy had sent her a message stating that I wasn't taking my meds properly-which is utter bullshit- and that's what some of the "mixup" was. 

We had our first snow here this morning. I missed it because it was at 6 am and I was still sleeping. It also melted away before I got up. Still, it was nice and cold today and its wonderfully cold right now. We have a log burning in the fireplace, and the space heater running. Amanda is making me a cup of Gypsy Cold Care tea because I'm coming down with something and haven't been feeling very well the last day or so. 

We went to the store tonight to buy some wood for the fire place and to grab something for dinner because I didn't feel up to cooking. We ended up with more than we went for but at the same time, we were just having fun perusing the store, and we found a few treats. However, while we were taking our time and enjoying ourselves, there was an older man following us. He started in the grocery section and we kept running into him all along the way. We were both polite and didn't really mind talking to him, but there was something about him that kind of set off warning bells in my head. I still remained polite because I also got the sense that most people don't pay this guy any attention least of all women, and that he might be awkward and lonely. 

Amanda and I kind of tried to shake him by going into the women's clothing section, which didn't work because he just walked back and forth in front of the check out looking at stuff. So we said screw it and headed for check out where he, of course, followed us. Well, I had an issue with a card and had to deal with that, so we cancelled our order, moved out of the way, while I dealt with my card. He checked out and while I was on the phone, he asked Amanda if she was single. She said no, that she was taken and when he asked about me, she said the same. Being that we aren't that far from Idaho, she didn't tell him that we are together- to which I told her later, when she was filling me in on this, that was probably for the best so he wouldn't get his feelings hurt thinking it was just some lame excuse. He apparently told her that he wasn't trying to be weird, he just has a thing for big beautiful women, which is really sweet. However, he stopped at McDonald's (yes, our Wal-mart has a McDonald's in it) and while we were getting our groceries out of our cart, he gobbled down his hamburger and began to follow us out. A bit weirded out we too hurried to get to our car, put our groceries in, and then we sat in the car with it on so it just looked like we were defogging the windows enough to drive. He got to his truck and was there a for a few minutes and finally left. But, because Amanda and I were a little unsettled, I went the opposite way and took a longer route to get home, just to be safe. 

I realized today that when ever I begin to feel sick, I want soup- usually vegetable beef with barely- and potato salad. If I didn't have butternut squash to use up within the next day or so, I would make homemade chicken noodle soup in the crock pot.

Lastly, in the spirit of colder temperatures, it is finally time to sit my butt down and make some quilts. Amanda and I are going to take some time and pick out which fabrics from what I have, and which pattern we want to use. She's going to put to work in helping me cut out the block or pieces, and we will go from there. This first one will be a nice spooky one. I also want to get as thick and squishy of batting as I can afford so it is nice and warm. 

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Planner, Day of the Dead Skulls of Ancestor Remembrance, the Super Moon- flyby craft post.


Planners. I like google calendar but sometimes it doesn't sync between my phone and my computer, which can be frustrating. I really like having a "hard copy" book version anyway and have since discovered planner stickers on pinterest. Typically I spend several hours once a year searching online or in bookstores looking for the perfect planner for the upcoming year. This year as I began that search, I said fuck it. Why waste all that time when you can get a cheap one from Wal-mart and make it pretty yourself. Plus that gives you craft time, which in my book, for me, is self care time.  I made mine a little witchy and with a Halloween flare using spiderweb washi tape, stickers, and some other embellishments. I have no idea how it is all going to hold up being battered around in my purse, but I suppose that is the beauty of it, if it gets messed up, I can always redo it. 

I know I am a bit late in sharing these, but better late than never. A friend of ours bought us foam squares to craft with and I'm pretty sure Amanda was the one who came up the idea for using them in this way. I decided to write out names of ancestors or family members that I wanted to honor in a more direct way on pretty paper and tape them to the skull once decorated. This one is for my father's family.

All the animals in my life that I've lost got their own skull complete with kitty cat ears. Yes, there are some doggies on their too.

This blue skull was for my Mom's family. 

The next three were just for decoration. 

This one was water inspired.

Fire inspired 

I'm not sure what this one was supposed to be but I was having fun. Amanda has two but I will let her take photos and share them on her blog. 

Tonight we were hoping to get a good glimpse of the super moon since it was raining last night. Well, I got to see it... sort of. I got better photos on the good camera but here is one from my phone.

Hope everyone has had a good supermoon or has been hanging in there!

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Conversations with my Father, avocation from an unexpected source, positive affirmations

Yesterday several things happened that were out of the ordinary. Because I couldn't sleep the night before last, Amanda decided that we needed a breakfast date. After she showered, we both got a little dressed up, and went to Denny's. I took her to work, went to Wal-Mart, and then headed over to the library. While I knew it was Veteran's Day and knew the library would be closed, for some reason, I didn't make the connection until I was actually in the library parking lot. So, I sighed and came home to play with the new planner I bought. I will show it and the Day of the Dead skulls we made in the next post.

My therapist is amazing! She wanted to know how my doctor's appointment went because she had been encouraging me to go. Generally speaking I don't like going to the doctor and well we all know from my last post that this woman doesn't seem to actually want to do anything other than peddle her goods and say my weight is the cause of all my problems- which isn't entirely true. Anyway when my therapist heard all the details of my appointment, she was livid. She told me to call my pharmacy right then and there. My doctor had not called in my depression med prescription so she asked me to call my doctor. Well, my doctor only works 4 days a week and Friday is a half day. Since my call was after the doctor's office closed, I had to leave a message. Which only aggravated my therapist further. She took some notes and promised to advocate for me. She's said that I have ups and downs but this latest down has been really bad and she's been really worried about me. That I am out of depression medication is alarming to her, that I can't sleep very well, if at all some nights, is not good, and despite me telling her that I am going to find another doctor, my therapist isn't going to stand for how my doctor treated me. She said it was unacceptable. I was a little surprised. I haven't had a doctor or therapist actually give a shit, actually look at me like a person and treat me as a person not just my weight, in so long that I'd forgotten what it was like.

When I got home I called my Dad and talked to him for two and half hours. I haven't been on the phone for that length of time in years. We talked about many things, most of which I won't go into, that would take too long, but because both my parents are essentially two of my best friends, and I am so blessed for that, I revealed some heavy stuff. Identity crisis feels far too strong a term to describe my thoughts and feelings, but I do feel that I don't know who I am a lot of the time, that I often feel lost and floundering, struggling, and even fighting. I admitted that I have had some pretty devastating thoughts come up in terms of writing. I admitted to panic attack where all I can seem to think or say is "I'm not going to make it," over and over again. And there is so much that is interwoven that one things impacts another. I even admitted that I think I am just now beginning to address, to dig down to try and heal the parts of me that were so shocked, angry, and horribly hurt from back when I was in high school- back when my Grandma Julie died and that seemed to set off a string of deaths in the family, and worse, I saw how utterly disgusting and ugly some members of my family could get and from that point only how it only got worse. We talked about how some of my anger and even some of my rage has come out, I used to cut or beat myself (I want to so badly sometimes, but I won't because I promised my Mom that I wouldn't). My Dad gets it. He knows how debilitating this level, this kind of depression can be. He admitted to sitting on his bed for 45 minutes trying to make himself go brush his teeth one day. I have the same problem some days, I scream at myself just to move, to go take a shower, to clean the house, to do something, anything. It is hard. 

Dad said he was sorry that I ended up getting some of my mother's health problems and all of his depression problems. I said, "yeah and I managed to learn some OCD behaviors from mom too." Which he kind of laughed and told me about my mom's grocery bag obsession. She keeps and reuses them for the wastepaper baskets only she had a grocery bag hold stuffed to the brim and four grocery bags stuffed just as full. Dad said, shocking to him, she actually threw some away. 

Our conversation turned to happier things. Dad filled me in on what he's doing in Eve Online, we talked about how Amanda and I should go see Dr. Strange- that it is even better in IMAX 3-D, or so my Mom says. My Dad can't do 3-D movies because the glasses give him migraines. He got some work so he got my mom out of the house to see a movie. And we talked about how their go-to movie at home lately is Guardians of the Galaxy because my mom loves "rabid raccoon" a.k.a Rocket. I told him that I haven't seen a lot of newer movies or as many as I'd like or even bought any because it's not really Amanda's thing. I used to buy movies all the time and only ones that I knew I would watch over and over. Amanda doesn't really understand that. That's okay. It's not her thing, but it is mine and it makes me happy. Which brings me the fact that I've given up a lot of parts of myself to make others happy or make things easier or run smoother. It really is time to start taking that back and start putting my foot down. While that might cause some confrontation, it needs to happen so I can gain a bit of my self back and I stop doing what everyone else wants. I mean I am pretty flexible and easy going, that's just my nature, but I need to stop being so easy going that I lose out on what makes me happy. 

Also, while my blog is a venting ground, a place for me to decompress and express myself without giving a shit what anyone else thinks, I am choosing to share pieces of my struggles with the hope that anyone who reads this, that has similar feelings and thoughts, knows they aren't alone. There's someone out there that while our experiences are not the same, while I am not in your head, I can't hear your thought or feel your feelings, I do understand, from my perspective how much this this hurts, how debilitating it can get, how frightening, and how much you just want it to stop. Knowing you aren't alone can sometimes help. 

Speaking of happy and bringing in some healing and positivity, the book discussion group I am in did a chapter on meditation which also had section on affirmations. I'm not so great with affirmations so while I don't think some people were as keen on the idea of writing up and making some personal affirmations for homework as I am, I'm just going to do it for myself. This is something I feel I need to do for awhile. I found a couple of really pretty and or nice ones on the internet as a little inspiration and I will leave you with them.