Monday, July 28, 2014

Really procrastinating on my WW2 paper, Meet Narcisa- black tabby extraordinaire, and life not quite settling back into it's proper rhythms.


I have never been so entirely awful- that I remember- in doing my homework! I am in procrastination city and not looking forward to leaving any time soon. But last night I pretty much figured out why and that's because I am pissed about this assignment and pissed about the class. Last night I summed up my feelings and plan on facebook:

"I think a major reason I am having so much trouble writing this stupid WW2 paper is that their requirements don't make sense and in some ways are a contradiction, they give you no freedom to really truly write your own opinion based on your research, everything has to be "approved" before you can move to the next step, and you're basically writing what they want to hear. And, I pulled my thesis topic from their "approved" list of topic prompts and it's not good enough? On top of that we aren't learning about the propaganda, the Thule society, or even about the members within or about the Third Reich itself. It's not even strategic military points, well some of it is, but not really. I mean really, if they expect me to read nearly 200 pages every freaking week, then at least make it something worth while. I could have found out all of this information on Wikipedia in half the time. It sucks and I am so frustrated with all of it that I am just going to do enough to pass the class and call it good. To be honest this class is an utter disappointment."

On a happier note, Skoora and I went to the Humane Society and found a new member for our family.
She likes to watch and pounce!
Her name is Narcisa and she's a two month old black tabby. She is also incredibly lovable and loves to cuddle. There were several kitties that we wanted to bring home with us but she literally screamed at us from the moment we walked in. When we held her, she purred instantly and didn't stop and oh boy did she not want to be put down. She has also made the transition here at home very well. It's only been a couple of days and she and the other kitties are already playing together, even grumpy Galen plays with her. Although Galen is still sad, I think he misses Yoda as much as I do. 

With Yoda's passing, with a new kitten, and with Skoora being back, things just aren't the same. I knew they wouldn't be. I'm very hypersensitive which is an uncomfortable thing for me. I loathe feeling fragile about as much as I hate crying over stupid little things. Plus Skoora has a lot to do to finish up her MFA, I'm pushing to be more independent, oh really it's all just a mess. We aren't fighting and we aren't upset with each other or anything like that, things just feel weird. I think had Yoda not passed and had we not brought home a new kitten, things would feel just fine. But shit happens and I need to remember to give myself time to adjust and let things fall into place where they need to. Life jut feels weird, ya know? Of course, when you lose a big part of your life, I suppose it's going to.   

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Getting back on the wagon...

Wow, he's pretty!

Rocking out to a Gothic tag radio on LastFm. It;s really nice to hear bands I haven't heard for awhile. I have an app on my kindle fire that plays a German Gothic station but it doesn't tell me who the bands are, so unless I recognize one, I'm left wondering who is playing. And for some reason I can't seem to find which station it is on the internet-not that I have looked very hard. But given recent circumstances, I haven't done much of anything productive per se.

I've done some laundry, dyed my hair back to the usual black, and registered for my 4th term of school. I've ordered my textbooks, bought Skoora and I a much needed book shelf, and filled the car up with gas. I've also bought my meds and replaced some of the things we were out of. I haven't started any of the sewing stuff but I did attend a class done by my pagan group about essential oils.  

Saying that I miss my Yoda-Chan is an understatement. I bought a picture frame and ordered some prints of photos I had of him and made a sort of memorial for him. I've also removed his bed from under the bathroom sink because every time I went in there I kept wanting to open the door and check on him. It's habit. Most of the time I am okay but sometimes a bouts of hurt and sadness leak out. This is where I feel like I must be broken somewhere. I know, from far too much experience, that grief comes in waves. I've lost a lot of family members to various things: cancer, old age, sickness, stroke ect... I've known death wasn't far off for some and some were taken so suddenly it was a shock. I've even been in the room when the machines were turned off on a Grandmother and listened to her die. I could have left, but I wanted her to know I was there. Either way, you'd think I would be used to this. I know all the song and dance for funerals, cleaning out houses, dividing stuff, and dealing with bills and such. And I have lost kitties before too. I don't, maybe after the last couple of years I just don't handle things as well as I used to. But maybe I think I should have for an extension for this week instead of last week for my homework. Seems like I shut off until about a week after someone I care about dies. I shut down just enough to go through the motions of taking care of business.

Well, it's not going to do me any good now. I have a paper to write and far too much text book and article reading. Skoora thinks the amount of reading I have to do isn't necessary and when she gets home tomorrow (Yay, she'll be back from Boston!) she said she was going to help me break it down. Apparently I am doing more than I have to. I didn't think so. I was doing what I was assigned. Oh well, if there is a way to do less work and still get a fantastic grade, great. Honestly, though, I don't really care about this WW2 class anymore. I was really excited for it in the beginning. But we aren't learning about German propaganda, the Thule Society, or even much about the Third Reich. There's some really cool stuff, but mostly its all who attacked who when, battle lines, and what kind of technology/machinery/weapons being used. That's cool and all, but not what I was looking for. It also doesn't help that my cat died or that I have been completely bogged down and stressed out just about getting the weekly assignments done aside from the big thesis paper. For someone who reads slow and has some dyslexia issues... yeah. Well, I will suck it up and get on with my life. I just don't care if I get above a B... hell, at this point, I just want to pass the class and call it good. Which really isn't like me at all. I'm kind of one of those people who shoots for the A grade all the time. 

Skoora and I have been talking little bits here and there. I have decided that I want another kitty. It won't replace Yoda, no kitty ever could. Galen is kind of a jerk and he won't cuddle with me. Not saying he isn't good enough or that I don't love him because I really do, he's just a cat with a different temperament- that and I think he might be autistic, if cats can be autistic. I am being serious. Right now he's curled up on my bed sleeping. Anyway, the local humane society is running a summer adoption special and it's this month only. So we kind of have to get on it when Skoora gets back. I seem to connect better with male cats, not sure why that is, so I've kind of been looking at the boys on the site. Still I would never turn down a girl kitty if she called to me.  I even made a list of names I like. I mean, since I can't have human children, it's kind of fun to look at names for animal children. Skoora only likes a couple of the names and not the ones I am really feeling either.  She likes Konstantin and Narcisa and suggested Alistair be added to the list. Personally, I really like Cosmina, Drahomira and Sorina for girl names. For boy names, I like Radek, Radomir, Dragos, Fane, and Kostya. But that's just me. 

Anyway, since Skoora told me to relax and take the night off, I am going to do just that. I've been kind of panicking, restless, and weepy all day. I'll probably break out the coloring books and colored pencils or something, listen to music, maybe watch a movie and take a shower. I kind of want to do my nails. I haven't really done much of anything too girly for myself in awhile. Then again, I kind of want to write too. I've kind of been feeling the urge and I am not quite sure what's keeping me from actually doing it. I wonder if I am afraid of something? Honestly through some self reflection, emotionally or mentally or both, I've realized that I have a few blocks that I need to punch through. I know they are there, I'm just not sure what all of them are. *sigh* 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Good night my sweet Prince.

Yoda sleeping in my Roy Mustang blanket

Today, I finally had to do it. I had to take my furry baby to the vet to be put to sleep. He was just so miserable. While he was eating a little, he wasn't able to get around much at all anymore. 
I already miss him so much and I'm a little scared for Galen. He didn't do so well when Yoda was at the vet for a few days, I don't know how he will do with Yoda being gone now. 
I wish my Mom were here. I wish I could fly her up, but neither of us could afford it and I wish Skoora were here too.

He isn't miserable anymore. He's at peace and I hope he found his buddy, Ludwig and that they are playing together. I hope they are both with Pandy and Ceaser too. 

Monday, July 14, 2014

One of the worst and hardest dilemmas I have to face...

This is my Yoda, my handsome prince, my blue-eyed baby. He is my best friend and has been with me for 16-17 years. He's braved moving from Kansas to Idaho, back to Kansas, and then to Idaho again. His favorite snack is Cheetos or Cheese if he thinks you have some- especially if you're at the refrigerator, and he used to love Hello Panda. This cat has lit his own tail afire dragging it over candles, posed for me to paint his picture, tolerated me when I've put a camera in his face, and slept with me almost every night of his life. He hates it when I leave- actually stops eating- for more than a day, and right now he is so sick.

It's been about 6-7 months since we learned he is diabetic. We've poked his little ears to test his blood, given him insulin daily, and put him a feeding schedule along with changed his food. He's really taken it all in stride and even reminded me when I'd forgotten his shots.

But lately, he's been really bloated. We've been watching him and everything Skoora  and I have read says he's in the early stages of renal failure. he is still eating, drinking, and using the litter box, so we thought why steal what precious time he has left if he isn't fussing. But yesterday Yoda started sneezing something awful! Spasm sneezes and he'd rub his poor little nose and face with his paw and then scoot closer to me. He is wheezing and sometimes looks like he's having trouble breathing. He looks miserable and just wants to be near me. He doesn't purr anymore, sometimes he whimpers. Like when he's on the floor and wants up on the bed, he'll cry a little to let me know and I'll pick him up and put him next to me. And sometimes, he looks better.

My problem is that I know he's not long for this world. Skoora's Mom's position is to keep him here at home, let him pass on his own unless he really starts fussing and gets worse. That's mostly because the vet costs so much money and we just don't have it. The vet will want to run blood work which will cost probably over $200 and she thinks they will tell us there is nothing they can do and we will have to put him to sleep.

I don't want my baby to suffer. I hate seeing him so miserable just as much as I hate the thought of being without him. For me, my pet are closer and almost mean more to me than some of the people in my life. They are my family, my furry kids, and I love them so much. I know some people won't understand that, some people don't get as attached and form close friendships and love with their pets. Silly me, I've always has deep attachment issues.

Anyway, I'm really at a crossroads in knowing what to do. Part of me is screaming to take him to the vet tomorrow. The part is saying no, we can't afford it and and he will be happier at home. But if he is suffering? I don't want to let him go, but I know I have to and I am prepared no matter how much it hurts. I can't have him hurting. I just can't.

I am going to call my Mom. It is too late to take him to the vet today anyway.  

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Cats, Skoora, homework, and its back again, frack!

So much has happened since I last blogged. If it weren't for the fact that I missed the feeling of typing and that I desperately need a break, I wouldn't be blogging now. But I will start from the beginning...

We put Skoora on her plane to Boston last Wednesday, early in the morning. She arrived safely and seemed to be having a pretty good time with her friend, who she is sharing a room with at the residency.  As for myself, I don't think I did much on Wednesday except homework and that took all day. The reading is drier than burnt toast and I find that more often than naught, my mind wanders away from what I am reading. Quite frankly, I had over 80 pages in the text book to read, two articles both well over 10 pages in length, and two websites to look at. I manged to get my discussion board post written and reply to one person before I crashed.

Thursday, I was planning to do some more homework and I did. I didn't get very much accomplished though. I don't think I actually managed to get much of anything done Thursday except go over my final project for the class and look at some sources for my paper.

Friday, oh Friday. I'd planned to really make a dent in final project paper but my new friend Jennifer sent me a text asking if I wanted to hang out all day before going to the full moon ritual later that evening. I pretty much told my homework to go to hell, got dress, slapped on some make up- pausing only long enough to talk to my cousin Shi-Chan and my Mom-, then hopped in the car and drove over to Spokane to pick up Jennifer.

It really was a fun day. Jennifer and I had lunch and talked for awhile. I got to know her a little more. We dropped off an application to a place she's applied at. Then we went to a store called Wonders of the World. Wonders of the World is perhaps my new favorite store second only to Hastings and Starbucks.  They sell statuary, crystals, books, cards, jewelry, and are generally more pagan themed without looking like a tie dyed Rastafarian pot head place. It's actually quite classy. I wanted to explore more shops in the building but we didn't really have time, at least we didn't think we would. The Internet system went down in the building and we had to go get cash and come back to purchase what we wanted.

After we finished at Wonders of the World, we went over to Value Village. Now, it's supposed to e a second hand store, but is sure is pricey! Actually, it's pretty much like shopping at Wal-mart for clothes and some things only that the merchandise is used. Not, my favorite place to go, and it was busy and every time I turned around there was someone or a store clerk about to run me over with either themselves or a cart. It was also kind of close quarters too, so too many people, too close was kind of upsetting. Oh did I mention that it was 90+ degrees outside and the store was little better?

When we finished there, we went to Wal-Mart where Jennifer found a fan for her bedroom window and a pair of Capri's for work. After that, we grabbed a drink and headed over to the UU Church to wait until everyone else arrived to let us in for the Ritual that night. We were about  hours early.

The ritual was nice and we made herb sachets afterward. I really wanted to stay longer, to visit with everyone but Jennifer needed to get home. That's the only downside to taking her to Rituals and classes, she never wanted to stay long enough to actually visit with people. I love to talk with these people. I don't feel apprehensive around them. Shit, Scott and Robin already think of Skoora and I as family (and they really want us to go ghost hunting with them).

But I took her to get something to eat, took her home, and them headed home myself. Since I didn't want her paying for my dinner- she'd already bought my lunch- I stopped at Dairy Queen on the way home to get something. I was too exhausted to do too much Friday night, so I watched a movie, took a shower, and went to bed.

Yesterday, oh boy yesterday! My period started again, I've only had a two week break from the last one. I am really not happy about this. So I spent all day yesterday upset over that upset about this stupid paper, and then proceeded to have a small panic attack. I called my Dad after that and talked to him for awhile. After which I found some more sources for the paper, and spent the rest of the day reading yet another drier than burnt toast text. It was awful!

Today, felt like shit when I awoke. My jaw hurt, but that's because I've been clenching my jaw a great deal lately, and I had a migraine. While I was still worrying over my homework, I went to see where Yoda had wondered off to. He was in his spot under the sink so I pulled hi out to cuddle with him. He is so sick. He's been wheezing and sneezing so much. If he doesn't get better I am going to have to take him to the vet, for certain. My poor baby has been having a tough time trying to breathe through all the ick in his nose all day. And he just looks miserable.

I am still reading through sources for my paper. It really is taking far too long to read through this stuff and I am sitting here, muddling through it. I have taken two breaks, one for dinner, and one to talk to Skoora via facebook because her cell reception is crap at the college. I've printed out all the web articles and will be reading and highlighting them tonight. I'll write the damned annotated bibliography and turn it in as well, and start the rough draft of the paper. I really want to get this stupid paper finished before Tuesday because my friend Christine B. is supposed to come for a visit, well, I'm supposed to go get her. But that all depends on whether or not her mother decides whether or not she's going to go visit her friend. Look, I get that the woman wants to go visit her friend, but she and Christine's Dad leave every fucking weekend to go to their boat and leave Christine, alone, with the dogs, unable to leave the house until they get back. Christine can't drive and there aren't any buses in the Sliver Valley. Anyway, I really want Christine to come for a visit to give me a break from the homework, so I can take her to Wonders of the World, and also because there is a class on essential oils on Thursday night.

And my back has decided to start acting up again.

So, yeah, lots of crap and with a little bit of fun. And no I am back to working on this stupid paper. Of by the way, I will be happy if I manage to get a C, ecstatic if I get a B, and if I somehow, by some miracle, get an A, I might just faint. Sorry I am just so entirely frustrated with the entire project that I want to scream.      

Tuesday, July 8, 2014


After stressing out, having OCD-like moments, and generally feeling the need to tear my hair out over my Math class- which was more write about how you feel and felt while me made you feel like a complete idiot while you try to decipher mathematical theories- I contacted my adviser Sunday night, and asked to be withdrawn from the class. I told her this class just wasn't a good fit, that it was more upsetting than revealing (other than grinding in the fact that I'm not a math person), and that I really wasn't getting anything out of the class but more stress than I really wanted to deal with at the moment. I asked if I could be switched to a regular math class, like algebra. Unfortunately, I can be placed in a regular math class at this time, but I was able to withdraw from the current class and got that all taken care of yesterday morning. I now have more time to focus and devote to my WW2 class, sewing, and other little projects I need/choose to do over the next few weeks.

Whoa, the library just got a sudden wave of noise and conversation. A few minutes it ago it was so quiet that I could hear a cranky man fussing about the cost of his print outs up at the front desk. I kind of wanted to throw something at him for giving the librarian trouble. But, sadly, that ship has passed.

Yesterday, since I was one class less, I decided to sort of celebrate. I finished the last book in the Elemental Witches series by Anya Bast, Witch Fury. I still don't like her writing style but I really liked her ideas and the main plot arch and I liked the last book much better than the first. After I was finished with it I read the short story she wrote that follows the series. It was my favorite, but then again Micah is probably my favorite character.

Tonight there is a class on developing psychic abilities with the IEPG (Inland Empire Pagan Guild). I was set to go but Skoora asked if I would skip it since she is leaving for Boston tomorrow and will be gone for two weeks. She's on a low residency MFA program and twice a year she has to go to the college to do said residency. I always hate it when she leaves for two weeks, but I always manage to keep myself occupied and fall into an alternate rhythm. Who knows, maybe this time I will manage to actually get some stuff done. Since I have some extra time, I kind of want to plow into a some writing. Here it is the 8th of the month and I haven't written a damned thing for Camp NaNoWriMo and I decided to participate again.

Feeling kind of Wackadoo today. I came into the library to pick up a book and decided to sit down and write a blog before going home to deal with homework. I had other stuff I wanted to blog about but I can't seem to remember what it was. At this point, it probably wasn't too important... And I just remembered that I forgot to take my allergy meds before leaving the house and that is why I've been sitting here with itchy eyes and skin. Time to go home!