Monday, October 31, 2016

A little Halloween and some coming clean

Last night Amanda drove us out a little passed Nine Mile Falls to a place called Creepy Hallow in Suncrest. For 5 dollars each we were taken on a tour through a haunted house in the woods. Upsides: coffee/ cocoa to drink, being out in the woods on a chilly-wet night, enjoying the atmosphere and creepy music. Down sides: Amanda twisted her ankle on the way to the car, my inner theater student kicked in and wished the actors could have been a little bit more convincing, and it was so dark that we couldn't really enjoy all the fun props. Otherwise, it was a fun and I liked getting out to do something. 

Tomorrow night, Halloween, I am not wholly sure what we are doing. I am supposed to make soup and I might make some bread if I feel up to it. We will probably watch some movies too. 

In coming clean, I have to confess that I honestly don't know how I wrote the story for Magaly's contest or posted for the last Haunted Humpday. Both seem like they happened ages ago. Even the Halloween party we had last weekend feels that way. My depression and anxiety rode in on the crash-down from the hype of our Halloween party, took up residence, and was especially terrible this entire week. I couldn't clean my house. Taking a shower was extra daunting. I don't remember if I got dressed most of the week, much less brushed my hair. I had fights with myself to move off the sofa, to do the dishes, to DO something besides watch Netflix. There was a lot of fear, crying, panic, self abasement and loathing, and so on. It was made worse when I tried to do some self reflection journaling for book group I am in. That topped me right over and only seemed to make things worse. In fact, when I found myself laying in bed, sobbing my eyes out thinking that I should leave Amanda so she could get into a cheaper apartment and do stuff she wanted to do, move back to Kansas to see my parents and grandparents and hopefully I would be dead in a year, I forced myself out of bed, choked down a full xanax and put myself back to bed. 

Thursday was I saw my therapist. She said that self reflection journaling shouldn't do this. she's having me do a worksheet as a starting point to get to the root of stuff so we can go from there. 

I started to feel better Friday and even yesterday but when I woke up today, I felt like I was being pulled down again. The situation was only exacerbated when we discovered that one of our oh so charming neighbors had stolen one of the pumpkins we grew, right off our patio table. And this is after earlier in the week having stupid kids pulling disturbing pranks. I'm just so sick of it. There is no point in reporting any of it because the management won't do anything and the neighborhood policing effort lives to the side of us but is never open to talk to. I have never had so much trouble in any of the places that I have lived. 

I have also applied for ABD, it's a help service in my state and I am hoping that they can help me figure out how to start all the crap for disability. *sigh*

Right now Amanda is playing with the fire, it's raining, Fiona has Halloween cartoons on the TV, and I'm going to find the pumpkin risotto recipe for Amanda. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better because I don't want to be miserable on my favorite day of the year.     

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Last Haunted Humpday of the year.

It's a sad day when its the last Haunted Humpday of the year. I hope everyone  has had fun.
For this last hurrah, I'm including some of the pictures from out Halloween party. I have some of our guests, but those are just for us. For now. 

Here's a bit of the living room decor. We actually went a little light, but we don't really have tons of room and sometimes simple is best. 

I made some witchy cup cakes and some that say boo. I also made two round cakes.

A friend of ours made these wonderful candied apples.

That same friend also made 1 bloody mummy apple. She made some amazing gluten and dairy free mini cup cakes with sugar glass shards and the red candy like that on this apple. I really liked it save for the chickpea or garbanzo bean texture in the cupcake mix she used. A lot of gluten free flowers have that problem- textures I don't really like. Still, the cupcakes were good!

We made a black punch. It is not quite the same as It's Black Friday's death punch but it was yummy and black and for me that was all that mattered. Amanda made lemonade ice slabs with gummy worms to add to it and that didn't exactly turn out so well, but they didn't affect the punch. We had alcohol and a non-alcoholic versions which I added notes to stating which one was poision and which one wasn't.   

Here is the desert spread. The main fare was a nacho bar and thanks to those who helped pitch in. 

Some days my camera isn't a total ass and lets me get pretty shots.

Amanda took some photos of me in my costume. We went outside for some and I thought I would share one that I added a fun what pixlr calls "veil" filter to. Its cheesy, but I like it. 

My last photo is so goofy. I'm not sure how it happened. I think its cute and silly, and Amanda loves it. My Dad gave me such shit about teasing my hair, calling me Tammy Faye Bakker. I do not. Nope, not even close! Then again Dad was being quite the weasel turd that day. ( Dad used to call me weasel butt so I would say he was one worse- a weasel turd.)

Well, that's it for this year's Haunted Humpday! Hope everyone has a happy and safe Halloween, enjoy parties, trick or treating, haunted housing visits, and any rituals you might have!  

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Witches in Fiction 2016: Narcisa the Witches Wonder Cat

Narcisa, the Witches  Wonder Cat Does a Spell © Hannah Richardson a.k.a Kohana Moonleaf

One day, not so long ago, a feisty, little black cat lay curled up on an ottoman pretending to be asleep. It might have be any other afternoon with her witchy owners cuddled behind her on the sofa, if not for the squawking coming from the TV. Tension stirred and filled the air, and the little black cat feigned a change in position to see what seemed to be upsetting her witches. As she rose, lazily stretched, and did a slow circle, before settling back down, she took note of an orange-hued man sniffing and pursing his lips like a duck between his words.

“Stacie said she’d move to Canada if he gets elected,” one of the witches said.
The other witch sighed long and heavy. 

“What scares me is that there are actually people who…” she paused as the man blamed the blonde woman on the TV for something. Both the cat’s witches were quiet for quite some time, but like them, the little black cat listened. She listened and took note of how angry sounding, how mean, and how utterly ridiculous this man sounded. She listened to her witches’ discussion and knew their fears weren’t unsound.

“Good night, Narcisa,” the witches sang out as they snuggled down in their bed.
Narcisa, the little black cat, trotted in to take her place in her own bed, as she did every night, just so nothing was out of the ordinary. But, she would not take her customary nap before heading out to hunt. No, this night she had work to do.

When the snores of her beloved witches could be heard and both of them lay still, the little black cat crept from her bed, out of the bedroom, and down the darken hallway to the spell room. Along the way her foot brushed one of her belled toys and it rolled down the hall. The jingle was so loud she was sure one of the witches would wake, but neither stirred. Relieved, she continued into the spell room and gently closed the door behind her. For a moment Narcisa fumbled around in the dark until she found her pointy hat, wand, and cloak. These things were important for her work and had been a present from her witches at Yule time. She’d pretended not to care about them, but the soft green velvet felt luxurious to her paws, and the purple feather in her hat was just the perfect size and fun to bat at when she felt frisky.

“Illuminae,” she whispered and flicked her wand. Gently, the candles flickered to life and illuminated the room in a soft glow. Light shinned on jars, big and small, with various ingredients, categorized alphabetically on one shelf, books on another. Herbs and flowers hung from the ceiling in different states of drying. Crystals lay on the windowsill soaking up moon energy right next to a bottle of water. In the middle of the room a large work table stood and on it sat a cup of pens, a lap top, and a note book.

Narcisa Leapt a top the table, picked her pen, opened the note book and quickly got to work. After an hour, she opened the lap top and did a search on the internet and printed what she needed. Next she gathered her ingredients and began.

Over a photo of the world she sprinkled sea salt, sage, and lavender. “Orange man with bad tan, vulgar with words and thoughts, Universe cure us of this man’s wicked, cruel plots.” She moved to the next picture, a picture of the Orange-hued man and sprinkled chamomile. “Universe take this man and soothe his troubled heart.” She picked up her wand, tapped both pictures, and watched the herbs sink in and become one with the paper.

Carefully, Narcisa tucked the evidence of her spell work away, and cleaned up her mess. She removed her hat and cloak, folded them, and put them away next to her wand, after blowing out all the candles. Then, just as quietly as she’d come, she slipped from the spell room and trotted back into the bedroom where her witches slept.

Three days later the witches sat on the sofa and the little black cat on her spot on the ottoman. The orange-hued man was back on the TV, this time his squawking not so intense. Narcisa’s ear twitched as the man apologized to everyone he’d offended and told the nation that he was dropping out of the race. More importantly he spoke of his newly sincere devotion to the needy and how he was giving half his fortune to aid programs. He wanted to devote his time and energy to national humanitarian work, to make things happen, because he realized that it truly wouldn’t take much for him to be in a poor or disabled person’s place.

While the witches gasped and speculated a publicity stunt, Narcisa, the witches wonder cat, knew it wasn’t because sometimes, it only takes a little of the right kind of magic to spell a little healing. 

*** Author's Note***
I apologize for the tardiness and choppiness of this story. I had a little trouble trying to decide what I was writing and had a rather busy weekend to boot! Be that as it may, I hope you enjoyed it. *hugs*

Please stop by to thank our host, Magaly Guerrero, and read the other participants' stories for this year. 

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Late night Haunted Humpday

It is Haunted Humpday again and a few days ago I found this lovely hand painted glass and the skull candles below in my mail box. It was sent from a sweet lady in West Virginia for the Halloween swap. I LOVE THEM! Her paint work is amazing and my stupid camera phone doesn't do it justice. I love her use of perspective too!

Here is a photo of the back side.

These weren't the only things we received in the mail. Amanda placed an order on Amazon for a Spirit board, my vampire fangs, and some white foundation and pressed powder. 

She has a thing for circles and spirals and well, skulls, so I think she picked the perfect board. 

These fangs from Scarecrow have a putty that will harden so I can have a custom fit. Which means they won't fall out of my mouth. I am so freaking excited to have a set of these again. I had some once before, but they got lost in one of our moves. 

My foundation is by Stargazer and the test I did on my hand gave me two answers. First, I am not allergic to it and didn't get a chemical burn. And secondly, it is light, it is smooth, and it doesn't have a smell that is going to drive me nuts or make me sick after awhile. In fact, so far, I really love it. 

The two things above are pretties a friend gave me. The skulls are for our early Halloween party and the spiderweb and spiders are a die cut wood garland that I can paint and hang up. She actually got me two of those. I will probably leave the spiders off, because I don't like them. 

This last photo is a bag I made. I had Amanda draw a bat on the fabric when my embroidery template couldn't be seen through it enough to trace. I drew on the lettering and then went to work. When I was finished, I sewed up the sides, put in a hem and draw string section at the top and slipped in some ribbon to cinch it shut. I did it all by hand, sewing included. Dragging out the sewing machine fora  five minute job after the weekend I had, just didn't seem like something really wanted to do... I finished this either Sat or Sunday evening. Anyway, it does in fact have my little gemstones inside. 

Well, that's it for this week's Haunted Humpday. 

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Weather maps, sitting in the dark, crafty things

I've only seen the XXXholic movie so I don't know much about the show or manga, anyway, I adored the little drinking buddy and bought myself a plush of him before I got with Amanda. He's been hanging out in the living room lately. Today, mostly in effort to keep Narcisa from stealing my hair bows, I put the on the drinking buddy's ears. Not only does he look adorable, but he's expressing his inner Goth. I found the hair bows at Walmart of all places, in the Halloween section. I will introduce them properly in my Haunted Humpday post tomorrow because I have another set and a couple of other fun goodies to share. For now think of this picture as a preview. 

Today I am sitting in the dark- well sort of. I have the patio door open so I can enjoy the nice 47 degree, cloudy weather, and have the side table lamp on long enough for me to write this post. As soon as I am finished, I will turn it off. Since I awoke to a beautiful, gloomy day, I checked the weather app on my computer. I love this app because I can look at the weather in my "favorite" places too. So, I look at weather in different parts of the United States, Japan, Europe, and some times I just sit and look at the structure of the coast lines. I know its weird, but I like maps and I like watching the flow and progression of weather. I'm sure most of my friends would groan, but I have been itching for snow. I get it, we are getting older and colder weather, fronts, and rain makes the bones and joints ache, but snow is amazing and so is rain!

Crafty things! I have a felt project I am either doing today or tomorrow. I saw it on pinterest and when I showed it to Amanda, she liked it so much she thinks we need to do a lot. Good thing felt is cheap. My friend Rachel brought me a craft project last night, it is die cut wood that I can paint and string up as garland. She brought me some other little things too, but I am saving them for tomorrow.

I ganked this twisted pixies' instagram page. Twisted pixies makes pretty gothic jewelry and often has interesting little quote pics like this. I thought this one was fitting in light of how I have been feeling lately and because some of my friends have a similar struggles in their lives. Certainly it is a different perspective and kind of an uplifting one, although I'm not saying we are damaged, but if anyone feels broken or damaged, well, it says it for itself. 

I am feeling a little better. Thank you to everyone who commented and to those who didn't but sent encouragement and support via other means. All of it is greatly appreciated and I'm sending my own hugs, support, and love back to you. 

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Cleaning Castle Nacht, enjoying the quiet and the kitty, grieving

Today, we are cleaning Castle Nacht, a.k.a- the house. Its not truly that bad. It just need to be picked up and dusted, some things moved around, and vacuumed and swept. I need to do a little food prep for the week and get a soup started in the crock pot. A load of laundry is has already been put in the wash and is ready to be dried and another put in the wash. 

I did not sleep well last night. In fact, I woke up in the middle of the night to bloody mess in the bed, which sucks because we had just put clean sheets on the bed before going to bed. Gee, thanks PCOS. I cleaned up as much as I could and tried to get Amanda up, but she said it was fine until today. In other words, she was too out of it to want to get up and deal with changing the sheets again. I can't blame her, she had to be up at 4 this morning to go to work. I will be dealing with that shortly. 

This morning I was pestered awake and then stalked by Narcisa. She was out of food so I fed her, grabbed a granola bar for myself and plopped down on the sofa. Apparently she still wanted my attention because she came over shortly after breakfast. She's been back a couple of times, going between me and the patio window. 

The house has been nice and quiet all morning and I am enjoying it. I did talk to my friend Felicia for a little bit. She's having it rough since having her baby a little over a week ago. She had to do a  C-Section because there were some complications and now, it seems that her beautiful baby girl may have to have stomach surgery. I really hope if she does, everything goes perfectly. I finally met and got to hold the baby yesterday and I already adore her and want to spoil her. Of course I want to spoil her older siblings too and miss seeing them every day. 

No matter how many people tell me it is okay to apply for disability, that I do deserve it because I do need it, that I am just having a hiccup, its still killing me inside. I am so angry with my body and I don't want to be. I am so tried of fighting and never getting anywhere. I feel like a soul-sucking-energy-draining-mood-killing black ball when I am around other people. I feel tolerated  and I know that isn't true. I know its my inner depression and anxiety demons whispering in my ear. I know it isn't true because I am still so floored when people want to spend time with me. I don't know. I'm tired and grieving the physical life I used to have, the confidence that doesn't exist anymore, the fearlessness. I don't know how to fix me and all I want to do is hide until I can be and give something of value. Because right now, aside from being with Amanda and keeping house and cooking food, I don't see a future for myself and I am afraid that I am just doing to drag everyone around me down with me. I don't want to and I am so sorry if I am putting extra stress on anyone.  


Saturday, October 15, 2016

Halloween shopping, memory malfunction, and body fails.

I found this gem on pinterest when I searched for vampire art. It is beautiful, I adore that she's feeding a bat.
Today was the day that we planned to actually celebrate our anniversary and I woke up in pain, having a fibromyalgia flare up something awful. I wasn't going to let it ruin my day, so I got dressed and watched Amanda pay bills. We went to Taco Bell for brunch. After that, things went very wonky, at least for me. I am going to break this up in terms of places we went today.

Winco. We did the bulk of our grocery shopping at this store and I knew I was pushing it by the time we left the produce section- which is the first part of the store we hit. I hung in there for the meat section and the dairy section, but when we arrived in the middle isles, I was kind of foggy-brained and beginning to sweat, not because I was hot mind you, but because I was in pain. I told Amanda before we made it to the check out counter that I was going to need a scooter in Wal-Mart. I actually began to get a bit short and frustrated because she seemed a bit sluggish, I needed to get out to the car, and there was a woman behind us who just didn't seem to want to get out of my way at first so I could line the cart up next to Amanda while she bagged our groceries, and then she took bags and went up the line because she didn't want to have to wait on people with larger amounts of groceries. On one hand I get it, but on the other, she was driving me nuts.

The Post Office. I finally, finally had the money to send off a gift to someone. I got the box, got in line, was handed a shipping label, filled out the recipients address and when it came to mine I knew everything except the numbers of the street address. I panicked. I panicked so bad that I didn't realize that I could have just opened my wallet and looked at my driver's license. I panicked so bad that I just slapped the only numbers I could think of, hoped they were right, realized that I had forgotten Amanda's card, and had to run out to the car to get it. It got sent though.

Walmart. When we arrived at Walmart, I was still a little freaked from the post office and didn't know how much longer, physically I was going to make it for the day. To my dismay all the scooter carts were being used. So, I told myself that I WOULD make it no matter how much pain I was in. I tried to go as fast as I could through the store. We got a few Halloween goodies, picked up some allergy meds, stopped in the craft section so I could grab some felt, then went to the pet isles to get Narcisa some food. Then we hit the baby isles to get a few things for a baby shower gift for tomorrow. When we left that part of the store to finish up the food shopping we needed to do, I was trying not to panic from pain, scream, and cry. I told Amanda that I needed her to find a scooter. She was going to do it but I said never mind, I could do it and took a breath to push on. Thankfully we didn't need much and I sent her to the candy isle to grab some for us to have little treats here and there. I was shaking and I knew I was fast approaching pass out point. So, we booked it to stand in line.

Car ride. The ride home was awful. We don't live too far from any of the places we went today. It;s maybe a ten minute drive from our house to Wal-mart, depending on traffic, but it felt longer than that. On top of everything, my back seized up in the car, and it was so bad that I instantly began ugly crying and panicking. I had to sit just so or the pain grew worse. 

Home. When we got home, Amanda shouldered all the groceries while I came inside. I told her if she gave me a little bit, I would happily put the groceries away. I think she told me to take my time but, I honestly don't remember. What I do remember is that I sat and looked at some of our mail and then, in her rolling desk chair, scooted over to put groceries away. I didn't have the 'spoons' to do my usual food prep and honestly, tomorrow isn't looking that great either. I am thinking Sunday may have to be the day for it. I also have to make bread and our lunches for the week. 

This evening we had a study group call with some friends. A couple had to come over because of technical malfunctions and they stayed for a little bit afterward. We talked books, writing, SCA, and I think we might do a small NaNoWriMo write in together. I need to talk to Amanda about it. 

In summation, as much as today sucked for me pain and panic wise, as much as I wanted to scream and punch something, I still had good moments. I still had fun with friends and with Amanda. I think if not for those things, if not for Narcisa's antics, it would have been a no good, horrible, very bad day. 

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Haunted Humpday

The other night our friend Rachel came over and we put her idea to put my empty gallon pickle jars to use. I have a pickle addiction, but hey it is better than smoking and its a nice 0 calorie snack. (I am currently out and very sad about it.) We made luminaries. 

For mine, I had Amanda draw some bats out on black card stock. I already had a silhouette of a witch, you can find free ones on google. Anyway, I put down a layer of slightly watered down modge podge and tissue paper. Then I laid down the bats and witch after cutting them out, and put down another layer of tissue paper atop them to help lock them into place. I made two other jars, one with parts of a coloring page I had been coloring and then other with netting and stickers, the latter of which is below. 

Rachel did a lovely tree, graveyard, and fence on hers, which I didn't get a picture of. But I did get a picture of Amanda's- which I thought I hadn't when I was telling a friend about it this morning. Turns out I did, yay!

Amanda likes H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu and Octopi, so naturally she went with something along those lines. Meet Cthulhu. But it gets better...

He's going to eat the people of Seattle. 

At the moment that is all from the craft-o-sphere. It looks like only three of our pumpkins were good We've got them sitting on our patio for a little sun, to help two of them finish turning orange. Apart from that, I am saving some stories for next week.

However, we have watched two crappy Vampire movies and not too long ago, we watched Conjuring 2.
Neither of the vampire movies were very good, I can't even remember there names. While one was on netflix and the other on Amazon prime, I think both were independant- which is sad because sometimes independent films can be really good. One was supposed to have been campy but ended up just being boring and an excuse for sex. the other had plot holes, was a little difficult to follow in some places, and whatever campiness they were going for, failed. 

The Conjuring 2

I loved this movie. I really enjoyed the first one and I liked Annabelle. I don't know which I would say is better, I think all three each have equal footing. There's some foreshadowing in the beginning that I picked up on that Amanda missed, its so subtle and artfully done. I remember being a little confused and then when something is revealed, I was like, that's was awesome ad very well done. I don't want to spoil the fun of it though, so I'm not going to say what it is. 

That's all for this week!

Two blogs, well crap, and construction

**edit- So I took a screen shot of the invite and forgot that the world doesn't think LaFantasie is a real last name- only it is- its french! LOL.

Today is Amanda's and my 9 year anniversary of being together. Next year, on our 10th, we'll be getting married. Here is the save the date announcement. I figured that since I don't have everyone's mailing address, it might be easier and more time and cost effective to just put it up on here. 

I am doing two blogs today, because I want to.

This morning I had to take Amanda to work. I always give her a little grief about it, but I don't really mind. I like driving. What I don't like are other drivers who are rude and I really don't like rush hour. I had prepared myself for rush hour this morning and since it is a gloomy, cold, and rainy day (which delights me to no end) I was prepared for people to be extra dumb. There are three areas where I-90 seems to bottle neck during rush hour but this morning traffic was so backed up, that I was forced to get off the high way half way to Amanda's work, else she was going to half an hour later. Yes, there was an accident, but it was on the other side of the high way.  

Now, since I had to get off the high way and deal with more stop and go traffic with traffic lights and pedestrians, that also meant that I had to deal with more than the recently normal construction downtown. I suppose I shouldn't say recent construction since it's been going on since spring. I was fussing about it and Amanda said they were just going to patch it up for winter and then start on it again next summer. WHAT?! Apparently the contractor in charge was brought up before the City Council because it shouldn't be taking so long to fix the roads downtown and because it is, local businesses are suffering. This guy has quite literally got his crew spread out all over downtown and a good majority of the streets are torn up and get so congested that it makes getting anywhere down there very difficult, not to mention that parking is even more of a bitch than normal. anyway said contractor said this wouldn't have been a problem had they not come across things they weren't expecting, which I guess a lot of people have called bullshit on, because the entire city has been mapped out and and has records and yada yada since the beginning. It boils down to he didn't plan effectively, spread his workers out too wide and thin, and will be making a profit off it. 

On to other things. Part of my depressing and anxiety issues as of late have stemmed from Amanda and I going rounds with each other concerning me and applying for disability again. She wants me to. She thinks I need it. For me it is spirit crushing. For me it means everything I've been trying to do, meant nothing and I could go into more detail, but I won't. I've lost too much and was finally starting to gain some of myself back and I'm terrified I'm going to lose it all over again. But I talked to my therapist yesterday and she tried to convince me that I do deserve disability (which I find hard to swallow because I don't feel I deserve anything), that I'm not giving up, and so on. That's what everyone says and I want to believe them, but it feels so awful. Anyway, I told Amanda that I would do it and apparently my therapist thinks that I would get it, she said she would back me, that she has enough to help me. Which, of course makes me worried because I thought I was getting better. Maybe not. 

Happier things! Because Amanda worked today but has time off tomorrow and doesn't get paid until after midnight anyway, we have some fun planned for tomorrow. I've been so excited for it. We are finally getting to go to Greenbluff. We are also going to do some shopping for Halloween things and do some grocery shopping. I need to replenish not only some of our food stores but some Halloween stores, and find a baby shower present for my friend. She had a girl and while I know she needs diapers and will get some, I want to get something else too.  

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Impromptu date night, chills, some reading

More Joseph Vargo

Yesterday there was a message in my e-mail holding a really generous gift from my friend Fiona. She sent us a gift card for our anniversary to a restaurant we like, which was very sweet of her. She didn't have to do that, but she did and we appreciate it so very much. Since I wasn't feeling the greatest yesterday, I decided that we would use it last night for an impromptu date of sorts. We had a nice time and on the way home, we drive up the hill to see what the Elk's Club was about. We discovered several cats running about and a couple of RV's were parked. I think it is just a club for retired people with a bit more money than we have, where they can hang out and kind of camp with a nice view of the valley. 

After we returned home, we watched some list videos on youtube, Hercules the Disney movie, and an episode of School for Little Vampires.  I, of course, fell asleep on the sofa, as I usually do. I have this thing where the moment I get comfortable, I fall asleep, especially at night. 

This morning I awoke to  a chill in the air and that is something I really love. Had I not needed to get up, I might have stayed in bed for a little bit snuggling in the blankets and I might toddle off later to do so since I am having a hard time staying awake. 

PCOS problems are in full force this morning. Bad cramps, bleeding heavily, and exhaustion are really wiping me out today. I am hoping that a short nap will help. Sometimes it is just better to give in, instead of trying to write a bog for the last hour only dozing every few minutes, as I have been. There is some serious reading I need to finish today and I know I can do it, but I need to be awake and less foggy brained. 

I think that is is for today. I have other things to share, but I think I will wait until tomorrow for Haunted Humpday, because they fall more into that category anyway. 

Monday, October 10, 2016

Sad panda day, Depression and Anxiety at its finest, happy plans

Today, I am a Sad Panda. I actually started writing a blog that was nothing but emotional vomit- anger, panic, and pain filled. After half an hour or so of writing it, I decided it was too much, too vivid, and too pathetic. Worse, I was afraid that it might make people worry unnecessarily, especially when it got to the angry parts. I've said it many times in real life and I think on here too, I use my blog as a coping and venting mechanism. Well I got it out and can share it with my therapist as something to address and work on. 

However, there is one thing that made me cry this morning. I was looking at a post I'd written on facebook to a friend and saw something horrible. I used then instead of than. A bad grammar mistake that I see a lot on facebook and other places rubbed off on me because I have never had a problem with that before. Other grammatical issue, like commas, sure, but then and than, never. I am so pissed, so shocked, and kind very dismayed. 

Aside from that, my depression and anxiety were in full force this weekend. We went to a friend's anniversary party and I didn't know until the I was leaving, that one of the hosts was having a rough time of it yesterday. I'm a little sad that I didn't pick up on it. I am also a little sad that I didn't go play the game she was playing. On top of that I was a little sad about the story cube game we were playing. Don't get me wrong, I love games and I love the story cube game, but I really suck at it. While Amanda seems to excel at being put on the spot and can pull a really neat and detailed story out of her ass, I can't, not really, even despite being a writer. When I told Amanda how I felt, she said that I'm not good with on the spot stuff and that I am more contemplative. Which is true, I had these sorts of issues with philosophy class discussions the most, but also in other classes through out my life. I'm an observer anyway, so sometimes it is just easier and perhaps safer, for me to sit back and watch and listen and weigh in at a latter time or never. But then I get frustrated because I feel stupid. I'm not stupid. I just really think about things, break them down and tear them apart. So while we are playing story cubes I'm sitting there analyzing how something could happen or work, trying to hear people down the table over the background noise, anticipate the feel of the story that we're putting together, and when it is my turn and I roll the dice, try to make something up on the fly instead of taking 5-10 minutes to make something on par with what Amanda's and some of the other players are dishing out. My responses ended up being something along the lines of unicorn farts, gaseous nebula, being cured by a witch to be pelted with crow eggs for all eternity, and monkey slavery. *sigh* 

I also had a hard time telling another set of friend as we were leaving their house, that I have a really hard time inviting myself over to people's houses. I grew up with the mentality that you shouldn't make a nuisance of yourself. Since anywhere I go, I generally feel like I am in the way, don't want to make a mess, and always want to be helpful, that feeling of being too weird or awkward, too opinionated, too quite, having resting bitch face, and so on, makes me even more reluctant to say "hey, can I come over". It works the other way too, in inviting people over, because I don't want them to feel obligated or interfere with anything. I have some really weird issues and I am working on them. Part of that is getting over my fears and trusting my friends to be honest. 

We have some happy plans this week, and I am going to try and focus on those since I feel all kinds of icky today. Our friend Rachel is coming over this week to have dinner with us and we are making some luminaries with the giant pickle jars I have. Thursday we are going to Stitch & Witch  which is also our 9 year anniversary of being together. Friday we are going to do some shopping grocery and Halloween. We would like to go out to Greenbluff this weekend, and Sunday we are supposed to go to a baby shower. In the mean time, I need to resize and print some patterns I bought from Urban Threads awhile back, and I need to dig through the sewing patterns I own, because I am going to have Rachel show me how to expand patterns. I actually need to see it being done.  I also want to finally decide which fabrics I am using to make a quilt, and just get to work. I've been feeling pretty crafty lately and a couple of blogger friends and even a one in real life has inspired me to pull out my sewing machine. I also need to write. I have spells and I have been plotting out a novel.   

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Ooops, oops, and more oops, lessons.

Oh look at the cute little bat I painted not long ago.

I feel that it is important to admit mistakes, even when you don't want to. Most of the time I just admit them to myself, deal with it, and move on, but not today. 

My first mistake and the reason yesterday was worse than it needed to be, was due to me missing my meds. I have a nightly routine of removing make up- if I wore any-, washing my face, using my facial toner, and then I take my my meds and vitamins and give Amanda hers, all before getting into bed. When you don't go to bed until around 5 am and pretty much crash into pillows, wiggle under blankets, wrestle some from your mate who thinks your side of the bed is somehow, suddenly better, you tend to forget that stuff. Or you say fuck it but forget that you said fuck it until the next evening when you're itching from allergies, ready to cry from depression, hurting so bad you can barely stand to have said mate touch you. 

Mistake number 2 was deciding to make my phone case situation into my own hands. I have a lovely Alphonse Mucha, Autumn, cell phone case, but I have had it as long as I have had my phone. It is cracked in a couple of places, the design is wearing off, and it just looked dingy. So I pulled the back off, painted it black to help hide the cracks and put some Halloween stickers on it. I even used a workable fixative to kind of help seal it. Well, now it just looks weird and while I can do weird, I don't like how slippery it feels. A good scratch would probably take some of the paint off and I don't like that one of the stickers has the potential to be easily removed. Needless to say, I don't be doing that again. Ahh! this is all especially bad because I am having trouble with my hands and tend to drop stuff, like just now, when I picked up my phone to move it off my note book and dropped it on the floor. It just slipped right out of my hand. *sigh*

A third mistake was putting too many herbs in a spell candle and burning it in the original tea light holder. Not only did it get so hot that it melted the metal holder into oblivion, it burned right through my altar cloth and had Narcisa not been drawn to the altar to look at it and us worried about her lighting herself on fire, we might have had a bigger issue on our hands. We were in the same room, mind you, I don't leave candles burning unattended, we were just watching a movie. So, lesson learned with spell candles, put them in a stronger, more heat resistant container and use less herbs.
On a more amusing note, Narcisa is quite annoyed with me. There was another neighborhood kitty perched on a tree branch and I went out to take photos. Narcisa doesn't like it when we are outside and she is left inside. She thinks if we are out, she should be too, never mind that she might get fleas, or get into a fight with a squirrel or another cat. Also, last night we had the first fire of the season in our fire place. Narcisa was so happy, so excited, and then melted on the floor right in front of of the fireplace. We meant nothing to her except when the fire got low, then she needed us to stoke it and add more wood. Once it was toasty again, she had no need for us. 


Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Bad decisions, kitty, won't be doing that again, and gave it an honest try.

I am going to apologize in advance if this blog seems or feels a bit scattered. It probably will be because I am a bit scattered today. I'd considered skipping the blog today altogether but decided that no, I did want to blog. Then, a friend of mine sent me a link to a blog someone write about blogging without obligation . I thought it was neat but it got me thinking about whether or not I really did want to blog today, or if I really should and while my body is screaming  for me to leave the kitchen table and go lay down on the sofa, I'm telling it to fuck off, because I want to blog and can lay down later. My body and I have these conversations a lot. 

Anyway, I can't remember if I mentioned the kitty pictured above or not, but it's becoming a regular visitor this week. The frist day I saw it, I looked up and though, huh, that's an interesting kitty shaped shadow- wait a minute, that's a cat! She or he is so pretty. Today, I happened to look up and see it stalking something and later, I saw it perched on a rock. I thought, it will never stay put long enough for me to grab the good camera, but I grabbed it anyway. I did not go outside, but took the photo from my dining room, through the window, so it's really not the best quality. What can I say, I didn't want to disturb the kitty, but wanted to practice some cat photography. I love cats in nature! 

A couple of days ago I took the salmon out of the freezer to have for dinner with some friends. Something came up and they couldn't make it, so I put the salmon in the fridge. Typically I buy salmon in a can to make salmon croquettes- which is how I am used to eating salmon. Said friends made salmon fillets once and they were pretty good, I had some trouble with the texture, but not so much that I couldn't handle it or find the experience unpleasant. So, I wanted to try making salmon on my own and try a couple of recipies. Well, I did last night. You know, the honey garlic flavor was really good, but the texture really got to me. I just don't think I can really do salmon fillets. Which is fine, I can't really do it in sushi either. I'm just not a fish person. I like tuna for tuna sandwhiches and patties, and I am allergic to shell fish, so it really all just works out. The point is, I tried something new, learned something, and while I couldn't eat any more, Amanda- who really wasn't doing too well with it, promised to take some to work so it wouldn't go to waste. 

Aside from not cooking salmon fillets again, I don't think I will be taking a friend for a post midnight run to the store again. My friend doesn't drive and we'd planned to do an errand day followed by hanging out and a late night jaunt to the store after she got paid. She put some gas in my car and bought us lunch, so I wasn't going to complain and it was a lot of fun. Except I had been up since 7:30 yesterday morning and was running on fumes and in increasing pain.  With that combination, I tend to make not so great decisions and bought a bag of cheese puffs. I had just enough left in my student account from college. Other than that the trip was successful. 

When I got home, I had that second wind, was a little hungry, and needed to let some advil kick in before I could even attempt sleeping. I ended up parking on the sofa, nibbling cheese puffs, and watching Vampire Diaries on Netflix. I am in the middle of the 5th season. Anyway, I watched three episodes, discovered that my cheese puffs are far more salty than I remember and actually a bit gross- haven't had them in awhile- and advil didn't do me much good. I finally hobbled off to bed after 5 am. 

I vaguely remember Amanda being upset with me about something and asking about the car. I also vaguely remember being annoyed that she was upset with me when I hadn't done anything wrong. I awoke around 11 and have been sitting at the kitchen table, in pain, ready to cry since. I don't know whether or not it's the pain or that Amanda was upset with me, or even the frustration that I can't seem to focus on anything for more than a few minutes without wanting to throw something because I am in pain, or a combination of all three or what, but that's what's going on today. My house is a wreck, I need to figure out dinner, and I have a whole list of things I would love to be doing other than what I am going to end up doing. Which is to lay down on the sofa, rest, and hope that when it is time to make dinner, I have enough energy to do so. But whatever happens, I want today to end on a positive note. I know it doesn't hurt me to want, but in this case, it actually does. I want and need to have some form of accomplishment today so it doesn't just get shuffled into all the dark days of fail and anger and feeling like I am running out of time and wasting the time that I have. Depression and anxiety are whore bitches. 

Happy last thought, I have coffee and pumpkin spice creamer.

Haunted Humpday

For this Haunted Humpday I'm sharing some of the Halloween decor we've brought out this season. Please excuse the quality of the photos, I took them with my cell phone camera which I have a love hate relationship with. We also have more decor and I am making little pieces every so often- mostly in the form of coloring sheets this year.

I decided to collage my photos for the purpose of space. The witch sign and coffin chalkboard sign are in my kitchen, obviously. I glued the wooden bottle piece to the chalk board. The fox salt shakers are from Wal-Mart. My Wal-Mart is always hit and miss with a lot of stuff and for some reason they only had the one piece, there's supposed to be a another piece of a fox laying down. Amanda thought a good way to tell between the two was to give one of them a bow. The Pumpkin chimes are from Aanda's Mom two Xmas' ago. We had them in storage to keep them safe until we had our own place and could bring them out at the right time. 

Collage #2 is full of stuff at various points in the living room, kitchen, and hall way. Starting from the top left we have the skulls I made a couple years ago. For some reason two of them really like to face the wall. Next are my Dollar Tree magnets, a Lily Munster coloring page I found and colored, and my blurred dialogue idea for a story I am working on. Third is a little ghost a friend gave us, Narcisa's treat jar, a pretty flower arrangement, and a little coffin box I made. Middle photo is of my fireplace mantle. You can see some branches of my Halloween Tree. this photo was take pre-fixing of my raven candle holder- yes, I broke it, but it's fixed now. The bottom left photo is another Dollar Tree find of a Vampress that I hung behinf the front door.  Next is my Resting Witch Face mug which we picked up at Wal-Mart this year and lastly is a cute Cool Gear can/bottle/cup thing also found at Wal-mart but from the year before. 

On to something interesting and a spooky story...

The first Haunted Humpday story I shared this year, I spoke of a creepy being with red eyes that scared the shit out of when I was a little girl. I never knew what the thing was called. A couple of days ago that changed, I think, when I was watching this video, and heard The_Goblin_Queen call things like it "shadow people". She's doing a series on her channel called "The Lady of Haunts". Which is pretty neat, if you want to check it out.

Anyway, I've decided to look into shadow people more in depth and even managed to come up with a plan, ha ha another list, of things I want to research and write about- mostly for personal fancy and interest and probably not for my blog. So that's kind of a stumble upon hey I might not have such a dead end, what the fuck didn't I think of this sort of resolution direction, what have you. 

Spooky story:

Another of my personal experiences comes from when I was a child, around 5 yrs old. I awoke in the middle of the night. I don't remember being scared, but I do remember my two cats, Pandy and Ceaser, and our dog, Obi, curled up on my bed with me. That's kind of a rare thing because Pandy generally hid from me. I was not the nicest human friend to her when we first got her. I am sad to say that I was actually quite mean, but learned that you don't try to pierce the cat's ear with scissors so she can wear earrings like the cats on TV or try to keep her in your closet by tying yarn around her neck and putting her on the high shelf. (I learned how to be a good cat owner very quickly and Pandy and I later had a much better and proper relationship.)
But I digress, it was odd for her to be curled up on my bed, while it wasn't odd for Ceaser and Obi. Still she was there. 

I remember laying there, looking out the window at the big tree in the back yard, watching the tree in the back yard sway to and fro when I heard something roll across the bathroom counter and into the sink with enough force that it did the back and forth motion in the sick twice before settling. I knew exactly what that was, a yellow tractor I'd brought home from my Grandma's house to play with. I'd left it in the bathroom, when I'd been playing with it, in the sink (I liked to play in the water, much to my Mom's annoyance), the evening before, and to make sure it wouldn't get knocked off on the floor, I'd pushed it up into the corner. There was no way it could have moved on its own. Since the animals were in my room, I knew they hadn't done it. My parents were asleep, I heard them both snoring across the hall. That's when I got scared. I remember reaching for Ceaser and closing my eyes tight, hoping I would just go to sleep. At this point, I knew that my Mom had miscarried with my older sister and my younger brother so I remember hoping that it was just one of my siblings coming to play with my toys and oddly enough, I remember hoping they weren't mad at me for getting to have toys while they didn't. 

The next morning, when my Mom woke me up, I went to the bathroom, and guess what was in the sink? My tractor. I took it out of the sink and never left it there again. In fact, I never left it where it could roll across anything ever again. I'm not sure what happened to the tractor. I suppose it made its way back to Grandma's house or got put in with some things to go to the Goodwill.  

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Craft stores are just mean, teacher recommended, black moon fades

The birds must be having a party today because they are loud and boisterous. They only seem to stop when a cat trots below them, which I find funny. Its like being in high school and all the popular kids quiet down and stare at the weird kid. It is also overcast and rainy today, which I love, but I am freezing. Of course, I have the patio door open and am basically wearing capri leggings, a t-shirt, and haven't moved around very much today, but still. I don't typically start off cold. I suppose it's just another sign that Autumn is truly here! 

While checking my e-mail this morning I noticed not one but two sale adds. One was from Michael's and the other from Jo-ann Fabric and Crafts. Of course, we are broke at the moment and the sale doesn't last until we have money again and it always sees to happen this way- which is why I think they are mean. But I'm not really complaining too much. Anything left over will be put on clearance pretty soon, which means I can stock up then and the prices might be better.

There was certainly some funky energy left over from the Black Moon. Yesterday, it seemed, was the last burst of energy taking form in strangeness, I think. I was unusually energized, a friend's pet got herself into trouble, Narcisa was all over the house jumping on furniture, jumping up on the altar a lot, climbing the screens, and to top it all off, I caught her licking the wall! Later she was on the counter where her food is and I caught her licking the side of the cabinet. It was just bizarre. Today things seem to be returning to normal. Although, Narcisa is a bit more cuddly than usual.

Also, apparently there are stupid people dressing up as clowns and attacking people. I checked my local news because I kept seeing people talking about what they would do if a clown broke into their home or one attacked.. yada yada yada, and sure enough it is happening, however most of it has been pranks. Still, as a person who is afraid of clowns and winced every time the Domino's Pizza clown waved at me from the corner of an intersection back home, I don't think I would be too happy about someone even pranking me, but I would never attack someone unless I truly felt threatened and was actually being hurt.

In my last writing workshop class with SNHU, my instructor recommended Zen and the Art of Writing, by Ray Bradbury to me. Since I don't ever remember a college instructor recommending a book like this for me to read, I put in my order on Amazon. It has taken me several months to get to it. I kind of got overloaded with non-fiction reading material and needed a break, but since I have begun reading, I am wondering if that instructor was somehow psychic. 

Keep in mind that I am only 23 pages in, but Bradbury talks about his lists and how some things from those lists become stories. Wait a minute, not only do I make task lists, I write down lists of things I want to write about, or words or objects I want to remember and later use in stories, character traits, and so on. So, I must be doing something right. Furthermore, its reinforcing that behavior and getting my mind generating ideas already. So I have a new project to add to the writing tasks for this month and that is to make a list of spooky things that I want to research and write about. I would love to turn it into a little craft project and make a compendium too- but that may have to be a long term project better saved for a time when I am not doing as much. 

One last thing before I toddle off to other things today, a quote from the preface of the book by Bradbury,

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."

No truer words written, at least in my case.  

Monday, October 3, 2016

October isn't just Orange, Black, Green, and Purple, it's Pink too, time to talk boobies.

While October is filled of spooky haunts and delights, it is also a time of remembrance and honoring of our ancestors. Not only that it is Breast Cancer Awareness month, a topic that is both necessary and a more than a little frightening, but most of all a deeply personal one for me. I'm not usually one to jump on "cause bandwagons" emphatically, but this one I will.  This entry is about me, it's about my Great Aunt, and its about all the women I connect with in day to day life, yeah, that means you too. Hell, its even about the men.

Me, Mom, and Aunt Joan

Taken back in 2002 at my high school graduation, my Great Aunt Joan (pronounced Jo Ann), the lovely lady on the right holding the paper, was hiding a terrible secret from the family. She looks so happy and she played the 'perfectly fine and normal' card our family seems ingrained to play, so well. Damn us Irelands and Richardsons we sure do hate to bother anyone or make anyone worry. I don't know exactly when she learned she had breast cancer, but it was before this. 

Aunt Joan kept this secret until the cancer spread so deeply throughout her body, that her arm snapped while she was trying to open a jar of jam. She didn't even tell her sister, my Grandma Evelyn until that day. The apparent excuse was that she was scared, well no kidding!

As you can imagine it was pretty shocking, difficult, and hard news for our family and for me. I was 18 years old, it was summer, and I was soon to be going off to college an hour away from home. I was never one to believe that people were immortal or invincible, but if there was ever anyone who could do anything, it was Aunt Joan. She was amazing, talented, and a freaking genius. My Dad once called her a Renaissance woman. She'd worked in the Forest service in Estes Park, Colorado. She'd traveled, she'd moved home to help take care of Great Grandma Ireland. She was a teacher of college math and even taught herself calculus just from reading a text book. She was the only person to explain mathematical ratios to me in a way I could understand. She knew so much and was so fun to be around. More than that, she I don't remember her ever losing her patience with me as a kid even though I was wild and had ADHD. She was the only Aunt I ever had a positive, healthy, and good relationship with. I wanted to be just like her and still do in a lot of ways. 

She kept teaching at Butler County Community College for a little while, until she couldn't. I got to come home and visit her a couple of times. The last time I saw her, it was devastating. Aunt Joan was so frail, so thin, and she was struggling to breathe. I wanted to talk to her but she was sleeping and one of her friends who was staying with her at the hospital promised to tell her that I had come to see her.  Two days later, my Dad called me at school and told me she'd passed away. I did not handle this well, in fact. 

We had her funeral, she was cremated. She has a headstone out in Toronto, Kansas next to Great Grandparents. Her ashes were later taken to Christi Meadows, Colorado where she had spread the ashes of her beloved dog, Rose, several years before. 
Since her loss, I have had developed a horrible, hateful relationship with my breasts. I decided that there was no reason to get attached to something that would just betray me. I didn't want to feel anything for them and so I never really allowed romantic partner to touch them. I didn't even like touching them. I thought, why get attached when they are just going to rot and try to kill you? In fact, I decided that if there was ever any hint of cancer found, I would just have them removed asap. 

Amanda likes my double d's and likes to touch them, its something I have had to get used to, to learn to like. But even now, I find myself scared to let myself enjoy them, to like them, to want to flaunt them, or to even care about them. 

But this isn't good either. Its hard to get over or passed something like this. It is hard to deal with the fall out, the emotional upheaval and so on. It is hard to lose someone and be afraid for your Grandmas, your Mom, your Aunts, your cousins, and other member of your family and even your friends. 

We walk along every day thinking that everything will go as usual, that nothing bad is going to happen, that we won't get sick, or we hope we won't get sick. No one wants to think about Cancer and all its painful ugliness. No one wants to think that they might become its prey or that that someone they love might. We try to ignore it. Well, we need to stop. We need to touch and check our boobies and get our mammograms. sure getting the mammies smashed isn't pleasant, but if you can catch it early, it certainly beast dying too soon. It beats leaving someone in your family utterly devastated. 

So tell your friends and family, and yes, guys too because they can get it. Most importantly tell yourself. I'm asking you to do this because I don't want to see anyone else waste away and die from this. 

For more information and guide check the National Breast Cancer site.