Monday, January 30, 2017

ER- Night and Day.

While some of you follow me on facebook, some of do not. Count yourselves lucky, while I vent on my blog, I sort of had two freak outs on facebook. I don't normally, but it happened. I have also been doing a few updates on my situation there. Anyway, I thought I should do an update here as well.

I did go to the Emergency Room, finally. It took a lot of pain, tons of bleeding, pure exhaustion, and Amanda calling my Mom, and having my mother order me to go. I was hesitant to go for three reasons. 
1. I don't like medical people touching me don there. I have mistrust from an event in my childhood. I was 5 or 6 and the tube between my bladder and kidneys was not closing and causing back was of urine and making me sick. A tech was doing a probe/ catheter sort of thing and got it stuck in my urethra and basically yanked it out. I remember my mother chewing her out. I remember the pain and sobbing over it. Later when I had surgery to correct the problem, the doctors wouldn't let my mom come with me or let me wear my underwear. It was terrifying, uncomfortable, has never left my mind.
2. I was afraid of how I would be treated. the last time I went for this, the hospital I went to was simply awful to me. 
3. Sometimes, I think, unconsciously, I need permission to do big things. I don't understand why and it is something that I am trying to work on.

Okay, so here is what happened. I went. The doctor who saw me was at first, a little skeptical. He explained what I already knew and I told him as much, and then explained that this was much worse than it should be. He decided to monitor my vitals every 30 minutes and run some blood work. He got a copy of my previous blood work as well, and had a little chat with an OBGYN at the OBGYN office I go to.  After a bit he returned to tell me that a normal persons hemoglobin is stupposed to be between 12 and 16 points. My intial blood work states that I was at 9 and anemic. My doctor had prescribed iron supplements to help. My blood work at the hospital revealed that I am not at 7.5 and that's really not good. The doctor was saying without saying "you're bleeding to death." He prescribed a different hormone regimen to slow down or stop my bleeding. Next he prescribed anti-nausea medication and some pain medication. I expressed that I have been taking Advil and it wasn't cutting it, but that I wasn't trolling for drugs, just something to make this tolerable. 

(you should have seen how my blood pressure went from high back to a normal level when the pain began to ease, it was fascinating to watch)

Now this doctor did some other things too. He insisted to the OBGYN he spoke to my OBGYN needs to see me this week, as soon as possible. He also told me that if the bleeding does not stop, if it gets worse, or if I feel woozy, dizzy, or unsafe, to get my butt back into the ER and he would hospitalize me to get the bleeding to stop and to stabilize me. 

This experience was so positive it really puts my previous experience that much more to shame. I was telling my Dad about both and he told me that the previous hospital I went to was used to junkies coming in and trolling for drugs. That shouldn't matter, I hadn't been. I just wanted to pain and bleeding to stop, and they treated me horribly. I am so much happier with the hospital I went to yesterday, you have no idea. Amanda and I both want to write "thank you" letters to the doctor and staff who saw me. 

As of right now, I do have an appointment with my OBGYN on Thursday. hopefully the ER visit will be the push to get my hysterectomy sooner rather than later. As for my bleeding- since beginning the new hormone regimen, the bleeding is down, I feel more awake and alive. I actually think I might be able to sleep in my bed tonight instead of sitting up on the sofa with towels beneath me. 

I do have a confession to make. When all of this is said and done, and my hysterectomy has taken place, I am getting cute underwear and cute pajamas! It will be so heavenly to have things won't have blood all over them!       

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Happy Lunar Near Year, hospital is looking more and more appealing, yesterday was almost a complete disaster.

Happy Lunar New Year! Assuming Amanda and I can muster the energy, we are planning to make Chinese food for dinner. I am trying to keep going despite everything going on and this was something I really wanted to do. Okay, so my Chinese food will consist of Egg flower soup and sesame balls with a main dish of Katsudon (which is actually a Japanese dish, but Amanda wanted it), but they are easy, quick things I can make. 

On to yesterday's nightmare. I woke up early to go to the bathroom and to drink 16 ounces of water for my ultrasound an hour and a half before my appointment. Except that first thing in the morning, the first liquids I drink typically go straight through me. On top of that, having an ever pressing need to pee seemed to aggravate the cramps from this revenge period all the more. I had already awoken angry because I knew I had overfilled my pad and was going to have to do some exhausting clean up. On top of that, I was in pain, hungry, and knew the ultrasound was going to be painful because ever ultrasound technician I have ever had seems to delight in digging that damned thing into me. 

Well, I arrived at my appointment to have the receptionist on the phone. Okay, no big, I can wait. But when she was finally off the phone, I told her who I was and what I was there for. She looked at me confused and informed me that they don't do ultrasounds at that location. I lost it a little. I lost it because I had expressly asked the woman that I had made the appointment with, if both the appointments we were making were at the Liberty Lake location. She said yes, so I wrote them down and even got the street name from her. She fucking lied! Granted the extent of me losing with was in a raised voice exclaiming "WHAT?!" and then me quickly apologizing to the woman, telling her it wasn't her, and then asking if I could use the bathroom straight away. 

Now, what I was in the bathroom, Amanda was out in the waiting room for a few minutes and the receptionist didn't ask her anything, didn't tell her anything, didn't even offer to call the other location and tell them we were late. Nothing, she just sat there, completely unhelpful. I on the other hand was in the bathroom making a mess on the floor and had to have Amanda come in and help me clean blood off their toilet and floor. 

During the 15 minutes it took us to drive back to Spokane Valley and swing by McDonalds (because I was really hungry thanks to trying to do a fast for blood work and I said fuck it to due to number of people in the office and my horrible cramps) and finally get home. I had over filled my pad so much that it was literally dripping when I took it off. I also had a very large clot. I cleaned up as much as I could and just went into the living room, and lividly sat crying off and on. Getting up every so often to change my pads and clean up. I vented about it even on facebook and a couple of my friends want to have "Come to Jesus" talk with the doctor, to tell him that the behavior of his receptionists are unacceptable and so on. Other people are sympathetic. Others want me to go to the ER or the hospital. My resistance in going to the ER or the hospital is that I have been down that road before. All they will do is give me Advil, make me wait there for several hours, have a dozen or so people interrogate me and ignore me, and then send me home. Why go through all that when I can just take the Advil from the comfort of my own home?

In effort to distract myself from all of it, I watched an anime with Amanda. Our friend Rachel came over to dye her hair and I decided to do the same. I wasn't going anywhere, it really doesn't take that long, and it might make me feel a little better- at least mentally. Amanda did it for me, all I had to do was sit on a chair. It really was a nice distraction. 

Today however, the hospital idea is looking more and more appealing. I ate 4 Advil two hours after I woke up this morning, it did slow some of the bleeding down, but not by much. It has helped the cramps a tiny bit, but I have been a bit woozy and although I am eating as much protein and iron rich foods- tuna, red meat, and salad- as I can, I am still very weak and more often than naught cold. I talked myself out of going to the hospital twice today, telling myself that I can deal, I can handle this, I'm not going to waste my time or Amanda's in going. But now, despite trying to stay hydrated, I'm dehydrated and having all the problems that go along with that. So, it is a very real possibility that may end up there during the night, if only so they can help me get re-hydrated safely. We will see. 

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Pulling back, pretty stickers, Evil Supply Co., and the sky makes me happy.

Evil Supply co.

Because the political scene is so infuriating and I'm already having a horrible day physically, I decided to pull away from that and focus on happier things.  But first...

Revenge period update: I'm filling pads every half hour. I'm tired as hell. I've had enough of a shower to try to clean myself up and I'm not sure that it did much good because I barely got a towel between my legs to catch the blood while I tried to dry off and get dressed again. I now have to clean the bathtub and toilet and the bathroom floor, and there's another load of laundry to do.  I have taken 4 Advil to help with pain and in the hopes that it will help slow the bleeding down. My friend Chris is coming at 2 this afternoon to hang out with me. She was coming for dinner anyway, but I asked her to come early just in case I pass out or need to go to the hospital. Not that I want to go, I know they won't do anything for me. I'm just supposed to bleed to death and shut up about it. Sorry, that was incredibly negative.

The sky is overcast today and if I wasn't running about in a night gown, I would open the curtains to enjoy it more. Still, it makes me so happy. Overcast days are beautiful to me. 

The above picture is from a stationary and paper supply company I stumbled upon. I love them! Evil Supply Co. has the cutest, fun, gothy stationary, strikers, patches, and notebooks. They are pretty affordable as well. I ordered a couple of notebooks for friends for Xmas and a couple for Amanda and I. When placing that order, I ordered the one time mystery box. It came yesterday and I love everything that came inside. We received 4 stickers, their little themed news paper, two notebooks, a patch, a card and envelope, and an art print. 

Last night was a printing night for me. Amanda bought me sticker paper for Yule/Xmas and printer ink. A friend turned me on to printing affirmations on sticker paper (well, she used vinyl paper) and I really liked that idea. I already got the paper for planner stickers anyway, so why not? Now, I already printed some affirmations out a couple of weeks ago, but last night I did a few more for a specific purpose. I'm making manifestation boards/ posters for above my desk here are just a few. 

I love Lily Munster

I also printed out a few Voltron pics for Amanda to put in her journal, like this one, with Shiro, because he is my favorite. 

I need to do a little more printing today, I have some planner stickers that I accidentally printed on the wrong side of the paper last time, and I found a couple ore free ones on pinterest. That is if I don't fall asleep first.

I am trying to stay seated at my desk and trying to write little things such as this blog, in the hopes that I don't just sleep all day from this period crap. I kind of want to be able to get up and go to the bathroom instead of waking up to a mess, if that makes sense. 

But aside from all of that, I put together a list of crafts that I would like to do this spring and hopefully I can showcase those as they are finished. They kind of have to be easy, quick, and inexpensive crafts because we are trying to get things together for our wedding in October. 

The Trump thing, The Planed Parenthood thing, catching it from both sides of the field.

Found on pinterest

Normally, I don't really do these kinds of posts and when I have, they have been few and far between. There is always someone who wants to make a stink about them, call me uneducated, or drag me through the dirt for my opinions despite the fact that my opinions are just as valid as theirs and while they might differ, they do not make me evil.  So this is my take on the political scene here in America. 

Keep in mind that I hear arguments from both sides- conservative and liberal. 

The Planned Parenthood issue. Abortions are not the only services Planned Parenthood offer. however, my Dad mentioned that Planned Parenthood's main function is abortions. I don't truly agree with that assessment, besides, wouldn't you rather have a professional do it than have someone die from trying to do it themselves or an unprofessional do it? Personally, abortion is not for me, but I will never tell anyone else what they can and cannot do with their own bodies. I am not them. My opinion doesn't really matter, nor do my values or belief system. Do I want to pay for someone to have an abortion, no, not really, not unless it is a medical necessity, but I would much rather pay for an abortion than have to pay for the growing welfare problem (one which I am part of by my need for food stamps and health care at the moment), but either way, it is what it is and I think P.P. is a good thing to have around. 

In addition to Planned Parenthood, we seriously need to revamp the sexual education approach in our schools. I know a lot of parents don't like the school teaching their kids about this, but a lot of parents are too uncomfortable to talk to their kids about it in the first place. Sex education should not just be one class in primary school and one class in high school. It needs to be addressed all the time. The problem is people are coming away from school not knowing basic things. People aren't seeing that actions and choices have consequences, some of the irreversible, permanent, and life threatening. Of course this doesn't mean that it will stop people from making mistakes or that they will even heed warnings or pay attention to information, but it will help those that do and for those that make mistakes, they will have some knowledge of how to go about dealing with issues. 

And in addition to that, someone needs to take the girls aside and tell them about the different complications that can arise with their own bodies as far as cancer and their periods. So we don't have women in their 30s desperately trying to figure out what the fuck is going on when they have an on going period for years. So we don't have people in so much pain and not knowing why. Because doctors won't tell you, they just pass it off. You don't get real answers unless you do your own research and you go to a gynecologist. We also need to have doctors who stop fighting women on getting hysterectomies. Sometimes, the shit just needs to go. Besides, there are so many children stuck in the system, who are unwanted, that we women who couldn't have children if we kept our equipment, could happily adopt and give loving homes to.   Sorry, got off on a small tangent. 

A lot of people are up in arms about being denied access birth control. No, that's not true, what's happening is that it will no longer be free. Which for someone like me, would suck really bad. Because most of the women who take birth control aren't taking it to stop pregnancies they are taking it in hopes of regulating their periods. So, yeah, I think its kind of shitty. And yes, I do see it as another hit against women in general. Men don't have these problems, so why would they care? 

On to the Trump issue. First of all, I don't like him. I think he is a complete moron, I don't think he really understood what he was getting himself into, and I am not looking forward to the next four years and I think he is a complete sexist twat waffle. Also, I hate the racism and sexism his campaign incited. Did I think Hillary was better, fuck no! I can't stand scheming, lying criminal father than I can throw her and since I'm not supposed to lift more than 5 pounds, I can't throw her at all. Do I think she was better qualified, no, not really, but at least she had a clue to some extent. She might have also fought for women's rights. But she lost and he won. 

I was looking over Trump's within the 1st 100 days policies and to be honest, some of them weren't too bad (a lot was trash). If he does what he says he is going to do on the stuff that was half way decent. However, I don't have any hope that they will come into fruition. I think that he is far too focused on what the media thinks about him to really care about anything serious. And I'm vastly alarmed over the fact that I saw an article where in he issued a media black out on the EPA and USDA. Apparently he doesn't buy into global warming. That's fine, but once you start issuing media blackouts on things where does it stop? How soon before- and I am really going out there- we end up like Hitler run Germany? I mean maybe it won't get like that, but then again, a lot of people believed Trump wouldn't win and that Bernie Sanders had a shot. Well the media did everything they could to push him out of the running despite everything.

**Edit- because I write this yesterday- the media black out was confirmed for me, and I am pissed about the keystone pipeline decision. How does that benefit America? It doesn't, it benefits him!

Further, I don't like some of his cabinet. His vice president disgusts me. The woman he wants for the secretary of education is terrible and I think the only reason he wants her is because she is a woman and that might make him look better. Frankly, I would much rather have my Aunt M. who is the grand poobah of early childhood education and development for the state of Nebraska as the secretary of education be at least with her, I know she actually gives a shit about decent education.

There were a lot of people who were talking about high tailing it to other countries because of Trump. There are people who are have to be in therapy because of the "trauma" of his election (which I kind of see as bullshit, but I'm not them, so my opinion doesn't really matter). How about, instead of whining and trying to immigrate, we do something about it? It's so hard, some might say. We are powerless, others might claim, but no, you're not. 1st get your ass out and vote. Second, get off your butt and fight for what you believe in. Women would never have won the right to vote, if they hadn't. Black people wouldn't have freedom or rights if they hadn't. People don't get shit handed to them, they have to fight for it. It is long, it is dehumanizing, it depressing, and people are gonna lose hope, but if you stop fighting, then you have failed, and you have no right to complain. Believe it or not, you are not entitled to shit. You actually have to earn some things.  

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Talked to my Gyno's office this morning...

At the urging of some of my friends, I was going to call my gynecologist's office this morning to talk about the amount of pain, how weak, how much I want to throw up, and so on, things I am experiencing from the withdraw of the progesterone. Well, the gynecologist's office beat me to it and actually called me. They wanted to reschedule the ultrasound I was too sick to go to, schedule more lab work, as well as my biopsy. Okay, that's fine, but when I am expressing to them that I am in a lot of pain, I am completely miserable, and they ignore it, I'm more than a little pissed. 

I can deal with bleeding all over, the fucking huge clots, the fact that I'm going through pads right and left, and can't leave the house because just going to the bathroom takes so much energy out of me. What I can't deal with is the weakness, the rampant nausea, and feeling like I'm being torn apart from the inside out. I hurt so bad, the pain is going down both legs and my fucking toenails hurt. I've had panicked crying fits, panic attacks, and have been fighting urges to claw at my skin and cut my own uterus. But, nope, the lady on the phone could give a fuck. Such is life. 

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Never leaving the red tent, pretty art, Voltron, cat

Blossom to Stars by Neshad
I have finished off the progesterone pills my GYN gave me. The hope was that they would shut my period off, my uterus would build up more lining to shed, and then when the pills were done, I would have a revenge period to shed that lining and then the doctor could go in to check for cancer, because if there is any, he would have to approach the surgery a different way. Well, not only did the progesterone not shut my period off- only lightened it a little- it caused me to have more cramps and nausea. Now that the piss are finished, I am bleeding a little more, and last night the cramps were so terrible I was sobbing, ready to vomit, and kept going between hot and cold. Today is a little better, but then again, I just woke up.   

Because I have been feeling so crappy, I decided that I need to look at some of the art I have saved on my Pinterest "Beautiful Art" board. The one above won out. Along with the art, we have my Zen station playing on Pandora, mostly to help keep the tension of my ailments and Amanda's frustration with the cats at the moment, down.

Amanda was home yesterday because she did catch the cold I caught from our friend Tsuki. We spent the majority of the day on the sofa sleeping. While not sleeping we watched a comedy special, a travel show, and Voltron: Legendary Defender. We watched all of season 2 in one sitting and it was awesome! Both of us are really sad because now we have to wait for season 3 and who knows how long it will be before it comes out, but I think the wait will be worth it. 

Since Amanda was out sick yesterday and has today off, she's trying to get a few things done around the house. The cats approve, but want to get in on the action- which is really driving her nuts. Both kitties are underfoot. This is quite different from yesterday's cuddle fest from Throin. He was either curled up on me or cuddled up on Amanda. Narcisa spent the majority of the day in the bedroom. 

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Bat Fit 2017 Update pt 2., Long Way Round

Picking up were I left off, I've got one final portion to the beauty health section and that's what I do for my hair. 

Herbal Essences Color me Happy has been a constant for several years for obvious reasons. 
I used to just use Pantine Pro-V conditioner, the classically clean stuff for a long time, but one day I saw this coconut hydration conditioner. Wary at first, because my hair is a little oily, I decided to do a test run with it. I love it. It made my hair so soft and easier to comb through after a shower. That's a big deal to me, I love having long hair, but I have a tinder head and hair that likes to tangle. And I found that I didn't have to wash my hair as often when using this. I used to go ever other day between washes, now I can extend that two- sometimes three days- depending. 
Now because I have been bleaching my hair, sometimes I feel my hair needs a little extra something. My friend Felicia found this stuff and loves it. I tried it. I don't like the idea of leaving anything in my hair, its gross, so I put this stuff in about every other time I wash my hair, let it soak in, then rinse the majority of it out. I don't get the gross, unclean, greasy feel, and my hair is even softer. 

Now as far as hair spray or gel, I don't use any of that except on a really big occasion. I might use a little mousse on wet hair before I roll my hair up in rollers for the night, but I've done that so few and far between that I've had the same can of mousse for 2 years and it's not half gone. 

2. Writing 

Since my desk is now in a proper place in the living room and has been cleared off- thank you, Amanda- I have a more situated and designated place to work on writing. Previously I had made myself a writing manifestation board but it didn't feel right by the time I was finished with it. I set it aside thinking it was just one of those perfectionist moments, but when the feeling didn't go away, I decided to make another one. I am happier with this one. It has some quote from other authors, some affirmations, as well as some things that inspire some of the things I write. 

Second on the writing progress, is that I am going to actually start planning and contacting people I want to form a writing group with. It is going to be a fairly small group and meetings will be done online. There are a couple of groups here in town but call me paranoid, I don't know any of those people and don't trust others with my writing easily. That and I am just not ready to go hangout with a tone of people that may or may not work out when I can do a small group of people I do know and can trust. 

3. Wedding
We have a location. We have more solid ideas. We have an idea of what we want for dresses and unless Torrid wows us, then I will be making them. Last night our friend Rachel asked us if we had a photographer and offered the services of her boyfriend when we said we didn't. So we have a photographer. 

4. Crafts. 
I am making little fairy balls and will post them when they are finished. Other than that I picked up some elastic for a grocery bag holder project. 

5. Heathen and Witch Study and practices
Not much going on here other than the continuation of the book we are reading.

6. Reading
I decided to stop waiting on Amanda to finish reading Monster Hunter International, and picked that up again. 

7. Quiet time for myself and for Amanda and I together.
We had our friend Fiona up for a visit, but she went home yesterday. Today we are spending a little time together. We are going to nap, probably watch something on netflix, and pick up the house before dinner, showers, and bed. Amanda has been throwing around the words date night, so I am hopeful. I've done the writing manifestation board for myself, started the fairy ball craft, and colored half a picture. That's about all for Bat Fit right now.

My Dad told me about the show Long Way Round where in Ewan McGreagor and his friend Charley- also an actor- ride motor bikes from London to New York heading east. So far I really like the show. But then again I really enjoy travel shows. Long Way Down is about their trip from the Northern tip of Scotland to the southern point of South Africa. I am looking forward to that. Getting to hear Ewan McGreagor's music in some of the show is nice as well. Check it out, it is fun.. 

Bat Fit 2017 Update pt 1 and Falling in to place

I thought it was time to update my progress with Bat Fit this year. While not all areas have some progress, some do and I think they are important enough to note.

1. Health aspect: 
Living/ house wise
Somethings in our house are finally starting to fall into place. After both of us being sick for a month and really having a slow recovery, I managed to pick up a cold. I'm on the upswing of it, I think, but poor Amanda is beginning to come down with it. However, we have managed to get some cleaning done- cleaning that really fell to the wayside while we were sick. Amanda did a huge majority of it, like moving the things that I can't move and helping me out with the dishes. I cut my finger pretty bad a few days ago right where it bends, so every time I bend my finger, the cut keeps getting a little bigger. It doesn't need a stitch, just some time to heal. I've got it wrapped in two band aids to keep it kind of stiff and straight. 

Weight wise
We haven't managed to start the hypnotherapy or start yoga just yet. However, I noticed on the community bulletin board, when I went to check the mail, that the health advocate in our area is doing a "Walk with your neighbors" sort of thing for an hour every morning. I thought I might try it, at least until my friend Chris can join me for the Yoga we want to do together. I probably won't be able to go far or fast at first, but that is okay. I asked my friend Tsuki if she would like to join too but she looked at me like I had grown a second head. Her choice.

We've been experimenting with food. We tried a black bean spaghetti. It was over 5 dollars a box and while it tasted fine, it was like chewing rubber. I'm never getting it again. 

We made crepes with  mixed berry sauce.

Yes, crepes have sugar in every part of them, but I am going to tinker with the recipe to cut some of that down. Also, they are surprisingly filling and I can eat two and feel full.

When I was shopping in Winco a month ago, I stumbled upon Gyro meat while in the deli/ meat and cheese section. They sounded so good and it had been awhile since I have had one. So, I planned to get the stuff to make them this shopping trip. I make a meal plan every two weeks to fit a 150.00 dollar budget (that includes laundry soap, toiletries, cat food and litter, and so on). So, I had to wait. Anyway, while I like the sauce I bought at the store, I want to make my own. Amanda doesn't really like the cucumbers so I told her that I could make her chicken gyros with mayo like a fast food chain back in Wichita does. She seemed to be okay with that. Also, a gyro and a very small salad or a an apple seem to be quite filling for lunch as well. 

Back to this two week's shopping trip, I went to three stores. Wal-mart for laundry soap and toilet paper, Winco for the bulk of our shopping, but we went to Yoke's Fresh Market for their Fresh Friday sale. I bought the majority of our fruit and veggies there but the primary mission was the 93% lean hamburger meat. It was on sale and I bought two three ponders to section off smaller and freeze. I also found a roast that should feed us for three, if not four meals, and I can make various things with it. 

Beauty health. 
I was inspired a little by a friend's post about her hair and skin care regimen. Mine is no where near as natural as hers. There are things she does that I know are better and healthier that I just can't seem to make myself do. Point of fact, while I know they would be better, healthier even, I can't handle the texture of some of it. So in lieu of that, here is what I do use. 

I have really sensitive skin that has often been subject of chemical burns by certain products, so I generally test stuff before use. I also have a skin fungus (that sounds so gross, I know) where I develop brown spots under my boobs, neck, and pretty much anywhere I sweat a lot. It doesn't hurt or itch or anything like that. So I use Dial anti-bacterial body wash most of the time and when the spots decide to develop- which is not very often thankfully- I have to use a ketokonozole shampoo. But sometimes I get to use body wash from Bath and Body Works. I tend to use their perfumes and lotion too because they don't bother my skin. Plus, B&BW stuff is kind of a treat to myself.

Winter scent

Spring and Summer

Fall scent

For my face, I've been using baby wipes to clean off make up. I bet there are some people who will scream, but they do the job nicely and are more cost effective. The same things that are in the make up remover wipes I used to buy for double- almost triple the price, are i the baby wipes I use. After that, I use a homemade toner made with rose water and witch hazel. I follow that up with moisturizer. I pretty much have to, not because I have removed some oils from my face, but because I have stupid combination skin that's really dry in some areas and stupidly oily in others. 

Okay, I know this has gone kind of long, so the rest will be in part two!

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Ice, ick, and furniture.

I took Amanda to work this morning at 5 am. She volunteered for overtime and while that is fantastic and I am glad she could get some, we just had a big ice storm move in on top of all the ice and snow that has yet to melt. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about cold and lovely winter weather, on the contrary, I love it. I don't even mind driving in it, what bothers me are the other people driving it in. 4 wheel drive doesn't mean 4 wheel stop. Spokane is shit at plowing their roads, especially if they are residential, and this morning, I had to pull over because a Semi-truck was far to close for me to be comfortable and it was spraying a wave of dirty slush-ice at me. Then, as I tried to get back on the road, some jack ass coming up from behind didn't want to slow down and flashed me with his high beams. Really? No, seriously, because I can't tell that it's taking me extra time to get back on the road because my car is caught on a little patch of ice and you might actually have to be inconvenienced for all of 30 seconds by having to slow down. You never should have been driving that fast on icy roads to begin with, moron!

Now that that rant is out of my system... I am sick again. This time it feels like a head cold that's trying become a sinus infection or it's just a straight up sinus infection. Not totally sure, just know I'm not sleeping very well, my face and head feel awful, coughing, snot ick and drainage, and my teeth hurt a bit... so yeah, probably sinus infection. I've been self medicating with lemon ginger tea, a ginger tincture a friend made, a homemade chicken enchilada soup, coco, and water.

Behold! I finally got a hutch!

Okay, ignore the mess on my kitchen table  and bag of bags. A hutch has been on my semi-secret wish list for many years. As someone who has grown up with a hutch in my parents house for a time, and two in my Grandmother's house, hutches have always been nostalgic and make, for me anyway, a house feel more like a home. 

This one popped up on Craig'slist last Thursday for 50 dollars. It came with a matching table and 4 chairs. We don't really need another table or 4 chairs, but we agreed to both because the seller needed money to fix their broken car and they had an infant in the house. It looked like they were selling pretty much everything to get the car fixed. We decided to give the table and chairs to a friend and her boyfriend for their soon-to-be-new- apartment. This hutch came at the best time for us. I had  reached my limit with our apartment and its lack of storage. Sure we have been sick and the holidays did us in as well, but it just seemed like we couldn't make anything fit without it being messy or me getting overwhelmed.  So, below are the bigger appliances that don't really fit in the cabinets, dish towels and tea towels are in the drawers, my tea and a couple of my tea pots are in the display cabinet along with a bag of kitty treats. On the shelves we have most of our coffee cups, my tea making supplies and some herbs, and the bottom shelf is a nice little altar because I wanted something pretty. 

Just having this has made so much of a difference in my kitchen cabinets and made my kitchen feel more like home to me. I am not sure I like having so much white and had thought to paint the cabinet a light blue or green, but my Dad thought that might make it look more Swedish or Swiss (?) can't remember. Which of course is nice, but not really what I am going for in the kitchen. I thought about redoing everything Gothic fantasy like the living to tie the two rooms together, but you know what, I really like my greens and blues and I can still have the gothic fantasy charm in the kitchen without changing too much. So for now, anyway, the hutch will remain white. I also cut out some of the mermaid coloring pictures I've done and might put them on the backs of the shelves to break up some of the white... maybe, we will see. 

Lastly, I was holding Thorin an hour or so ago and my phone rang. He reached for it as my friend Fiona, who is up for a visit, handed it to me. Amanda was on the line to tell me she is staying a couple of house late for more overtime, but before she could tell me that Thorin pressed his paw to the my phone screen and hung up on her. I had Amanda on speaker and when I tried to call her back he tried to hang up again. I had to move the phone out of his reach and thankfully, the little shit was too lazy to move to chase after my hands for once.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Things I want to say in the morning, breakfast, yesterday, and EVEOnline

This is my EVEOnline Character, Meili. She's in the Federal Navy Academy and about to go on a big mission. Well, she will go when I decide to play again. So far, I am frustrated with EVEOnline. There is so much to learn and remember and I'm not even out of the tutorials yet. Honestly, I am little worried of the day that happens. This game is very complex and you can basically do anything you want in it. No really, you can even kill people. You'll get into trouble with Concord and other people, but yeah... I am impressed, overwhelmed, and curious to see what I end up doing with this character. I'm thinking of going career military, but who knows, I might change my mind. It is also nice to play a game with my Dad, even if he has to walk me through a lot. He had to describe what I was looking for last night and it had to be obnoxious. But he said, that it wasn't just me, because he's had some of the same problems. 

Yesterday was not exactly a good day. I had two long running mild panic attacks. Basically the first one began and I managed to get myself out of it and then ten minutes later I had another one. So I put myself to bed, hoping that if I just laid down for a few minutes, I could ground a little better and kind of reset. Well, reset I did, and while I wasn't feeling the best, it was truly helpful. However, I do not want to start relying on going to bed, napping for a bit, to get back to functional. I have some thing my therapist wants me to try and I'm going to employ some of those.

This morning, it is really cold outside. I didn't have time to truly warm the car up before I took Amanda to the park and ride. Prior to that, we were lucky my body woke me to go to the bathroom, else we might have overslept. But as I got back into bed and Amanda told me that we could have ten more minutes but then we would have to get up, I didn't say "Fuck you up the Goat Ass" or "It's too fucking cold for your work bullshit" or even "If you don't shut up and go back to sleep, I'm going to strangle you". And I didn't hiss at the fact that it is a bright sun-shiny day either. Instead, I quietly rest my alarm, turned up the space heater to warm my back and hopefully help soothe the raging beast who hates morning, and rested for a ten more minutes.

After I got home, and of course that's when the car was finally starting to get warm, I wasn't sure what I wanted for breakfast. I thought perhaps a fruit smoothie. But it's cold, I am cold, and adding more cold didn't seem appealing. So I opened the fridge and saw the English Muffins. Score! I cooked up a little sausage while I melted butter on one muffin and melted swiss cheese and mushrooms on another. On the muffin with butter, when I pulled it from the oven, I added my Downton Abbey preserves that I got for Christmas/ Yule. Oh my is it ever delicious!

I turned around a little bit ago and found Thorin curled up on my dish towels. Sorry for the mess, the house is still a disaster and I have no drive to fix it. Well, I do, but lack the energy really.

Thorin also likes to walk across my computer, sit on it, and generally make mischief while I am trying to do anything on it. He just wants my attention, I know. But he also wants to be held. My solution, while he is still small, is to stick him in my hoodie. He seems to like it. He gets held, is warm, and I get to type. He and Narcisa aren't so different after all, I had to do much the same for her when she was little.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

DIY Canopy!

Amanda and I decided that we wanted a canopied bed again. We had one years ago. I had bought us a metal hell-beast of a four poster canopy from a furniture store that is no longer in business. I wonder why? Consider that when they sold us the bed, they gave us a shit frame that didn't fit properly and if you wiggled on the bed too much, the bed would fall through at one of the corners. We had to use 1x4s and lots of wire to keep it together. Finally, after enough falling, we tossed the frame. We kept the curtains we'd bought for it.

I found this tutorial on Pinterest not too long ago and showed it to Amanda.  Several months later and a two hour trip to Lowes for some PVC Pipe, elbow joints, and some ceiling hooks, and we have a canopy.

The materials we used were as follows: (Since I wasn't involved in the making, I don't have the step by step process)

3 10ft half inch PVC pipes which we had cut at Lowes.
2 elbow joints and 2 end caps.
7 5inch ceiling hooks. 
6 black sheer curtains
Two strands of Christmas lights.

We do not have the bar where the head of the bed is. We skipped that piece.

These photos are pre-Christmas lights and when this Spring or Summer rolls around, we will take the pipes down and outside and paint them black. I'm planning to make something pretty for the corners so we don't have the ugly elbow joints sticking out. To that effect, I have some die cut spider web garland I want to paint and hang as well as some bat garland. I'm not sure which will make it to the bed, but one of those will.

We sort of have a mishmash of decor in the bedroom. Some of it is Goth, some is Anime, some is Asian, complete with the family made quilts and few stuffed animals. Eventually, I will get some things better organized- Amanda wants to get me a proper vanity/ dressing table because I apparently need drawers- I will get some pictures of the overall room. Honestly, at the moment it is the cleanest room of the house... for now....

Monday, January 9, 2017

And now for a post that makes sense, Bat Fit 2017, mouse fails.

We have a bit more snow than this...quite a bit more. In fact, I was taking a friend to her doctor's appointment today and Amanda's Kia Optima got temporarily in the snow, going up a hill. It was exciting- apart from the old man yelling at me. A note on that, it is more effective to calmly give me instructions than to scream them at me.

Okay, because I am unsure how much I got into my last post about Narcisa and all my attempts to read said post have been unsuccessful, I'm going to update her situation now. Amanda and I took our furry princess to the vet because her voice sounded awful and we had suspicions that she was sick. There was also a fear that she was really sick due to her penchant for eating whole pawfuls of fireplace ash. Seriously, we were fighting her to stop, moving the ash bucket, covering the ash bucket. As it turns out the Vet thinks Narcisa is a freak for eating the ash, has never had a cat who has done that, and considering her love of eating random things, she has pica. Further, he thinks that she may have caught the little cold that Throin brought home with him when we adopted him and it was wearing off. But because she growled and hissed so much on top of eating ash, her throat is basically just aggravated and if she doesn't get better in a week or so, we are to take her back in. She is getting better though.

Bat Fit 2017 Link
Bat fit is something that I have been interested in for the last couple of years. Some of my blogger friends have participated in that time and it just seemed like something kind of out of my reach, per se.  Well this year, I am going to take a stab at it with a sharp stick and see what happens. So to revisit my list from a previous blog addressing something similar to this, I'm going to go into more detail about what those things mean and a little of my action plans on how to work on them. These are not really resolutions, they aren't even really goals, they are just things I want to work on so as not to set myself up for failure. The idea is to have positive experiences, not stress myself out and tear myself down trying to achieve things outside my limits. 

1. Health
While my overall health appears to be good- at least according to my blood work, minus anemia, I am over weight. In fact, if I were to use the clinical term "Morbidly obese". I have been struggling with my weight for over the last decade, clear back to the end of high school. From depression to fucked up period patterns and horrible heavy bleeding, and medication, none of this has been easy. Thrown in fibromyaliga and a herniated disk plus an affinity for sedentary activities (reading, writing, movie watching, sewing, and other various crafts), I've been fighting an up hill battle. Actually, I fight it even when I've gone to the gym and swam every day or done an mile on the elliptical every day.  Do I want to lose weight? Yes, of course, there are far too many lovely Goth fashions I want to wear. Plus making and buying clothes would be cheaper too. But I am not going to make myself miserable trying to lose weight. I could run myself ragged and never get anywhere.  

Instead, Amanda and I are going to start the weightloss hypnotherapy disks left over from a few years ago. It had been working a little bit but then we lost control of what food we ate when we lost our food stamps and her mother was buying and cooking our meals. I kind of just said fuck it and threw in the towel. So, back to that and eating smaller portions. We don't typically eat too terribly anyway. I try to maintain a high protein diet with veggies and fruit. We are also going to start a yoga regimen with a friend of ours. I will do that until I have my hysterectomy, take some time off for that, and then once healed, go back to doing it. 

2. Writing
Writing is hard for me. I've had really negative thoughts about it. The joy of it has been sucked clean from it and it became more of a chore than anything else. There are several reasons why, most of which stem from crippling lack of self esteem, self loathing, self doubt, and outside factors beyond my control. When that went, one of the foundations for my personal "joy" was snuffed out. I've been trying for the last year to get it back and that in and of itself has been an internal fight. I've thought many times that maybe I'm just not supposed to be a writer anymore, that that ship had sailed, and that I am desperately holding onto something that was never meant to be. Those thoughts hurt me in ways I can't describe. So, maybe there is hope yet. 

I would like to begin a writing group. I'm also going to write at least 6 hours a week as prescribed by Brandon Sanderson (author of the Mistborn series) from his college writing course. It is on Youtube and the link is here  

3. Wedding
We don't have a lot of money for this venture in our lives, but we we want to make it as nice as possible. I'm going to start a Gofundme page to help get my parents up for the wedding just as soon as I get over my hang up of begging other people for money to make something good happen in my life. Because that is what this feels like.  Secondly, I want it to be as easy and smooth as possible. We've enlisted one friend to help with some projects and will probably be enlisting a couple of others.  As for one of our big stumbling blocks, dresses, If I can't find what I like on Torrid come prom season, I have patterns to make what I want and have informed Amanda as such. She said okay. 

4. Crafts
In general, I'm going to work on various craft projects in various mediums, as the year progresses. From sewing, paper crafts, painting, and crochet, I want to get a couple of big projects finished by next Yule. 

5. Heathen and Witch Study and practices
There are books I have been meaning to read that I feel I am ready for. There is a lot I wish to learn and I do have some ideas of what I want to explore where I feel drawn to go spiritually. Frankly there are also somethings that I have always wanted to do- like learn to read Tarot and Runes and so forth. I also want to explore Seidr. 

6. Reading my usual 20 books a year and hopefully more
Ever since high school I have had a goal to read 20 books a year. I don't always achieve that goal, some years I only get 5 read and some years I manage 42. Reading expands knowledge and helps to hone writing and vocab, shows style and so on. Plus it is really fun. 

7. Quiet time for myself as well as Amanda and I, together.
I need self care time that I don't beat myself up about. I am terrible with that. In fact, I often feel guilt for taking time to myself when I should be doing this or that. It only keeps the self hatred cycle going. So, I am going to try and do some things for myself whether coloring a picture, taking time to do crafts or read, watch a show or movie, or just sit and listen to music. I also want to get back to doing things that make me feel pretty, like putting on make up and doing my hair every day. Painting my finger nails, plucking my eyebrows and so on. 

I also want to have time just for Amanda and I. We need time to watch movies together, to talk, to go out and do things even if it is just to go for a drive. So much of our lives is surrounded by other people and while we love our friends, sometimes, we just need time to be together. 

Anyway, those are things I'm working on for Bat Fit 2017. If they all happen or they all go anywhere good, I will be pleased, but I'm not going to beat myself up about not getting everything done. 

Lastly, I bought a new gaming mouse so I could play Eveonline a little easier. It seems that this mouse and I are not getting along very well at the moment. I am going to do some trouble shooting and if it doesn't work like it is supposed to, I can hopefully send it back.

For now, I need to work on making fruit sushi and chicken teriyaki sushi for dinner. Amanda was supposed to do it but she's fallen asleep... again. 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Blur, planner stuff, shit not together, kitty and the vet.

For Yule/Christmas, Amanda bought me sticker paper I can run through the printer. Yesterday morning, after I took her to work, I put the new ink cartridges in our printer and set out to print several affirmations that I really liked and had been saving. The above picture is just one of them. Affirmations, I'm finding out, only work if you say them regularly and actually try to believe them. When you don't feel up to much of anything, you fall short and they have lackluster meaning. 

Prior to Yule/ Christmas my Grandparents had sent some money as part of their gift to us and I used a little to purchase some planner sticker files from various sellers on Etsy. These are not all that I bought, just a few. I did pick up a couple of Halloween themed sets, a cat set in the color green, a winter set, and a mermaid set. What can I say, I'm an eclectic mess. 





I feel the urgency of this affirmation surging throughout, but the for life of me, I cannot seem to make myself do anything. Lethargy has taken hold. The last couple of days have been a down right blur between sleep and wakefulness. I've taken Narcisa to the vet (she is okay), Amanda to work, gone to the doctor, to therapy, to the store, run errands, and tried and failed to at least get my kitchen clean. Point of fact, ever since Halloween, we haven't been able to keep the house as clean as I would like. I can't seem to find things, or even stay motivated. I go through periods like this more often than naught and I'm afriad it's only going to get worse. My gynecologist prescribed me progesterone to hopefully shut my period off for a a few days and when I stop taking it I will have a "revenge" period as Amanda called it. After which time, he needs to go in and do a pap to make sure I don't have cancerous cells. We're moving toward a hysterectomy, thank the Gods! My blood work screams anemia and as soon as my uterus is out, that will begin to fix itself. I almost can't wait to have more energy again. 

Speaking of blood work, my previous primary care physician was absolutely sure- just by looking at me- that I am diabetic. You know because I am fat. She also wanted to sell me supplements that I couldn't afford- because she could make money- claiming they were non GMO and 100% organic. Well, my blood work would have been a huge disappointment to her. In fact, when I got my lab results back and saw my A1C, I had Amanda call her parents, who are both diabetic, and check to see what is good and what is considered diabetic. I'm not, not even close! But like I said before, I am very anemic. My new primary care physician prescribed a multivitamin with iron in it. 

Aside from that I have been sleeping a lot. Slept most of yesterday and all of last night. It doesn't help that I have a cute little orange kitten who likes to curl up on my chest. He is warm and soft. Thorin is curled up next to my feet at the moment, under the blanket. I'm starting to fade again, so I will end here and take my nap. I've stopped fighting against the sleep monster and hopefully soon, I won't have to, at least not for these reasons.   

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

2017 beginning with no illusions.

2016 is over and we are 3 days into 2017. I can honestly say that I have no expectations for this year to be any better or any worse than the last. I have hopes that it will be better; Amanda and I are getting married this October. But then again the wedding, at this point in time, is a source of heart break for me. When I think about what should be one of the happiest days of my life, I'm filled with dread and feel the urge to vomit. It's not pre-wedding jitters or even the ceremony or dresses or normal things, its that my parents aren't planning to be there. This isn't because they don't want to be. It isn't because they are morally opposed to my religious/ spiritual choices or even that they are opposed to be marrying a woman. In fact, my parents want me to get married and be happy. No, it's that they don't have the money to come up and I'm not sure Amanda and I will have the money to help them get up. Friends have helped me search for alternative modes of transportation and my Dad even suggested we Skype the damned ceremony. I could do that, I could spend all my time worrying about whether or not cell reception is working, if the connection will hold, if my Parents can see and hear it. But I wanted my Mom to fuss over my hair and I want my Dad to walk me down the isle. But like Great Grandma Ireland always said, "It doesn't hurt you to want". Except in this case, it really does. So, fuck it all. I'm taking a friend's suggestion and I am going to start a "Go Fund Me" page dedicated toward air fair or gas to get my parents from Kansas to Washington. 

Narcisa has been sick lately. We thought it was just a cold that would clear up on its own, but her voice sounds awful. I made her an appointment today with the vet and will be taking her Thursday. Hopefully we can figure out what's wrong with her and help her feel better. She and Thorin are getting along. She even let him cuddle her last night. It was quite cute. 

On to the picture above. I think I mentioned that I was beginning to play EVEOnline- the free version of course- and if I didn't, well, now you know. There is a lot to this game, no really, there is. You can basically do anything in it and its really neat. So far, for a hour or so that I have played, I like the graphics, the music, and while there's a lot to learn, I think I will get the hang of it. 

Back to the new year. I did not make resolutions and haven't really since middle school. So instead I made a list of things I want to work on. They don't have to be complete, since any are on going works, have been, and will be for many years to come. I made a list of seven, just because I thought that was a reasonable and feesable number, and I like odd numbers.

1. Health
2. Writing
3. Wedding
4. Crafts- sewing to painting and so on
5. Heathen and Witch study and practices
6. Reading my usual 20 books a year and hopefully more
7. Quiet time for myself as well as time for just Amanda and I. 

Lastly, Amanda and I went to the Garland Theatre here in town to see Princess Mononoke on the big screen. I really love this theatre because they show old movies and Anime and they aren't horribly expensive. In fact, we only paid 5.00 dollars to get in tonight. We might go to the Labyrinth next week.