This has be quick! Bats!!!!

I grabbed this from my pictures folder on my computer. Unfortunately, because I saved it so long ago I can't credit the photographer. So, just enjoy the bat. I'm really feeling the bats this year. I mean, I have always loved them, but I keep picking things that have bats on them and so on... 

This post has to be quick because it's 7:31 am and I really need to get to work. I have less than two weeks left to get my stock rebuilt for my store, and as a one woman show... It's all on me. However, that said, my wife and I have talked about me teaching her how to use two of my machines so she can help. She doesn't know how much I appreciate it. Maybe we will do some of that tonight. 

Northwest Pagan Fest was a huge success. I am on the board for the festival as secretary but I was also a vendor at the festival. I sold a lot of stock! Which is why it's crunch time for me as I have another event- just as a vendor- coming up. I will talk more about NWPF in a later post. For now, just know it was AMANZING! 

Selene's birthday went well. We doubled up with Fiona, a friend, since we all might be out of town for her birthday. So we listened to David Bowie, played Cards Against Humanity, ate cake and pizza. It was chill and a lot of fun. 

We sort of got the house in order for this. We still need to remodel the kitchen, but that is going to have to wait, I think, a bit longer. We just have so much coming. Two weddings, our 5 year anniversary party, my event out of town, a few little fall things, and some stuff at the end of the month. Early November is starting to look like its going to be the time we do this. And, surprise, the oven door broke again! Selene said fuck it to trying to fix it AGAIN and we caved, went to Lowes, and bought another one. They will deliver and haul away the old one. 

I am having a bit of a fibro flare today. I am not happy about it. I was almost a week without any kind of fibro symptoms, which is very rare. I am sure it is going to make sitting at the sewing machine a real joy, but I am going to do as much as I can, listen to Youtube vids as a distraction- I found some fun LOTR vids from Nerd of the Rings-, and just really try to get this stuff done. I've been making a game plan for the winter season so I am not so crunched next year. Especially since I would really like to do more in person events, but also because I would like to add more items to my shop, do some crafts for myself, and work to give myself a little more time for reading, writings, and self care. I have been utter shit at taking care of some of the basic things like brushing my hair every day, lately. Part of that is depression and fibro, but part of it is that I just work until its time to do dinner and then I have a couple of hours with Selene and Kat and then I usually fall asleep watching TV. Then Selene has to wake me up and make me go to bed. I don't really enjoy that cycle, so I'm trying to break it. 

Anyway, I do have to get to work and at some point write very overdue letter. 

 

She's my Mom, but not.

 

Izumi Curtis From Fullmetal Alchemist.

In much the same way my Mom is a lot like Izumi Curtis- that take no shit, will kick your ass if you cross her, but would also sacrifice whole parts of her self to bring her child back from death, she is not Izumi, and she's less and less the mother I grew up with. To say it's been upsetting is an understatement and while I know some parties would basically tell me it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it- my Dad included- it doesn't meant that isn't heart breaking. That is doesn't leave me wracking my brain with questions of "how do I help", "how do I fix this", and or, "is there anything can be done to make this easier on, at least my Dad"?  

Some time ago, I'm not even sure when, covid really kind of blurred time for me a bit, not just in me having it earlier this year, but the whole pandemic- my Mom's episodes got drastically worse. I've been down to visit them and each time she is worse than she was before. But, in one of her episodes in the last several years, she had a stroke. While the doctors can find no evidence of it- not that that means anything, because my Grandpa had one and had the paramedics not seen him have while taking him to the ER, they wouldn't have known he was having one or had one. There is other evidence denoting a stroke in that one side of her face sags a little and her behavior changed. Strokes run in her family. Her mother had one but her maternal grandmother, my Great Grandma Early, had nine. I don't know about anyone else in the family, I wasn't as into genealogy when my mother's grandparents were still alive and I didn't know them very well. I only saw them twice before they died. (I did like them though and Great Grandpa and I shared a birthday)

My Mom isn't really a selfish person, not in the way most people would think. She could be ever once in a great while, but at the same time, she wasn't completely. She is now. It's like something broke in her brain and there is no filter, no buffer, and if she knew how she was behaving and some of the things she's said, I know she would be ashamed of herself. 

It's not all bad and she's not turned into some monster. You see it more in conversation and some of her actions. Today, she was pissed that her soap opera was being interrupted because Queen Elizabeth the II died and the media outlets are covering it. Yes, it is huge news, its going to get covered, but my Mom said "She wasn't my queen, I don't care, I want to watch my show". Which before, she'd still be annoyed by the media circus, but there would be some note of sadness for the family at least and a note of respect for the dead (unless they were a monster, which Queen Elizabeth II wasn't). 

You can see it in the arguments between her and my Dad over when she goes to bed. She says she's an adult, which is true, but if Dad doesn't get her to go to bed and have at least 6-8 hours of sleep, the likelihood of her triggering an episode goes up substantially. Which means he has to stay home to take care of her and miss work, which puts them in financial stress. Honestly, it is a mess of a cycle and she's not able to see the correlation anymore. Yes, she still has episodes even if she gets sleep, but they aren't as frequent and sometimes, not as bad.  Before she could be reasoned with. But without that filter, she can't seem to make the connections. And her OCD is compounded! If she decides she is going to do something, there isn't anyone or anything that is going to stop her. That said usually Dad can talk her into not doing whatever it is she wants to do, but if she'd in the lead up to an episode, he can't. He tries.

Her memory isn't as good as it used to be, which is also a worry.  

It's always in the littlest ways that it sneaks up. I'm now afraid to talk about much with her and guard my conversations. I don't talk about a lot of what we've been up to, mostly if we've gone shopping for something, because she say 'yeah, we need to get this and that and..." and there is a laundry list of stuff that they may or may not need and she starts to obsess over it where she wouldn't have before. I don't talk about some of the vents we go to or help organize because I don't want her to let it slip to Grandma, my Dad's Mom who is 94, that I am Pagan and not Christian. We've already had an instance this year of her freaking out over Selene and I being married and let's just say it was upsetting.

And today she was after me to mail a dragon necklace she sent me home with, back to her. She doesn't have much, but she does have some nice things she wants to pass on to me when she dies (my whole family talks about stuff they are passing on, it's morbid AF, but I am so used it, it hardly phases me much any more, and I always tell them I would much rather have them over stuff) and she'd chosen that to be jewelry. Anyway, we do a sort of swap share thing where we will swap necklaces or earrings for a time, usually a couple of years, and then trade again next time we meet up. We're probably not going to meet up for several more months. I don't mind doing it.  

Also today, she was fussing at me to embroider 'something' for her. Usually she calls it her 'dragon shirt like Shi-chan's (my cousin)', because she likes it so much. She was even talking about paying me. No, she'd not going to pay me, I won't let her. I've just been super busy, which she would know if I told her half the stuff I am doing. I told her I would get to it soon. Sooner than she thinks. 

But every once in a while she has some really good days where she's almost who I grew up with. And then the next time I talk with her, reality slaps me in the face. 

I am mourning the person she was, it seems like all the time, off and on. I am frustrated that neither of my parents will let me help them. I've offered to sell my house and move back home and baby sit my Mom while she has episodes so Dad can work. I've tried offering to help with disability paperwork, but they have applied and apparently don't qualify. They also can't afford to get the medical documentation- the further medical documentation they need to get it. They have gone as far as their limited income and my grandma's help can take them, and we're just in limbo watching her get worse. She actually confessed that she is afraid she's going to have a bad episode and not wake up. That's scarry for me and I can't imagine what it would be like for her, scared I don't think covers it. I'm not going to get into my frustration and anger with her doctors. 

Her neurologist and primary care physician at least have some decency. The neurologist dropped her, not because he didn't want to help, but because he doesn't know anything more, exhausted his resources, tried everything he could think of, and didn't want to keep charging them money he knew they really couldn't afford. He talked with mom's pcp at length over everything and wished them the best. Which is more than any other doctor I've seen do in a long time. Mom's pcp is doing what she can as well, but no one knows what is causing these episodes or even what they are. They have never seen anything like it. They even thought, once, it might have be psychological, because brains are weird and complicated. But they aren't sure because the working theory for that isn't exactly panning out. 

Whatever this is, all I do know for sure, is that my Mom isn't getting the adequate health care she needs and I'm truly scared she's going to die because of it. And I am scared my Dad will just fall apart. And in the meantime, this is what we are given. There is no lesson to be learned from this and I don't think everything happens for a reason. I don't think Mom's childhood is causing it, or that she did something bad in a past life that she's paying for karmically. Shit just happens and usually to good people, who don't deserve it. It fucking pisses me off. It's the biggest injustice of the universe and today, I think the universe can go fuck itself. 

Weight, doctors, and the naked house

 

My little house is naked- don't mind the furniture, we have set that out as 'free' and have actually already shed a few items already. Anyway, we hired a company to come out and take down our dead and dying pine trees. They had been attacked by pine beetles and that was a problem before we purchased the house 5 years ago. The grass is dead, which annoys me, but we can't seem to figure out where to turn on the water for the front outside faucet. We've had a couple friends look, my father-in-law, and nope. 

But, I suppose it works in our favor because now that the trees are down, we're going to deal with the stumps, rake all of the pine needles and mulch out, and next year, plant some roses and or ferns, and Selene (aka Amanda), wants two weeping cedars to frame the house. We're looking at non-grass options that don't have to be watered all the time as well. But not gravel or concrete. we have enough concrete that heats up and makes the house hotter in summer. And we are replacing that bullshit of an excuse hand rail the previous owners installed to pass the FHA inspection. Of course I want to set up a couple more bird feeders so the cats have 'tv'. I am a bit sad they can't bitch at the squirrels in the mean time. We had two that would chase each other up and down one of the trees and the cats lots their shit over it. 

On to doctors and weight. I've heard so many things about weight and weight loss over the years and I've had so many 'helpful' people try to push diet schemes on me or 'advice', enough to make my head spin. I've read 'scientific evidence' articles- usually associated with diet plans to make them sell and some real science, heard speculation on phycological factors, genetic factors, ect... But what my ex-doctor and Selene's current doctor told her makes me ACTUALLY want to drive over to his office and just punch him. 

When I had him as a doctor, he was on me from day one about my weight and seeing the nutritionist. And it was basically his mantra for every visit regardless of what I was actually seeing him for. He is from Vietnam, hates the American diet, and is a little twig of a man. I always tried to remember that every time I saw him, and just let shit roll off, especially when he'd do the doctor/mansplain thing over EVERYTHING. Eventually, I got sick of it because he wasn't actually doing anything to truly help me. I guess that's what you get when you go to them more affordable 'community health' clinic. Still, he was refilling my blood pressure medicine- of which I am on the lowest dose and am working to be off of. Oh and he stopped prescribing my heartburn meds, which really aggravated me in that I have GERD and literally water gives me heartburn and without those meds I am sick all the time and can't eat. But long term use of that medication is really not good for your stomach and has caused some big problems. But he wouldn't give me anything else as a measure to deal with the GERD. 

Anyway, I asked for a female doctor, because I wasn't getting anywhere with that guy, and I wanted to talk to someone who actually had 'female' issues. I was never given hormone replacements after my hysterectomy because "you're fat and fat stores estrogen, you'll be fine". But am I? Have I been? Is that really the right thing to do? Anyone I've talked too is surprised. New female doctor was too when she heard that and said she was going to investigate it. That was several months ago and I haven't heard anything from her. So, I'm guessing she got busy and forgot, which is fine, the way people are funneled in and out of the clinic, its a wonder they remember their own names. Oh and she too, wanted me to see the nutritionist.

So, when looing to set up nutritionist visits not just for myself but Selene as well, we ran into a problem. There is 1, for all the clinics in the city. He only works 2 days of the week and both those days and the time bracket he works in is when Selene works. That's really stupid. And more than that, we already know that he's going to tell us, and it's stuff I've been frighting with her to implement for YEARS! Last night she was lashing out at me because of what her doctor said- which I will get to in a minute- and the fact that she didn't think there were enough carbs in dinner. There were plenty. I cut up 6 fingerling potatoes to toss roast with carrots, bell peppers, and chicken. Even the seasoning packet had a few carbs in that it had a little sugar in it. I kept the eggplant and mushrooms on the side for me. But she thought we needed rice or more potatoes. We really didn't and I wouldn't budge. Besides, she got fresh fruit after dinner.

So when I asked about why she was lashing out, keep in mind her last doctor's visit was 2 months ago, she told me. (You'd think, after 15 years together her communication would be better, ha ha, think again). She said he told her people are fat because of sexual trauma. Excuse me?! While that might be the case for some people, it is certainly NOT the case for her and many others. He is completely ignoring any and all other factors, just threw out a blanket assumption- which was WRONG- without doing any proper investigating. That makes me want to scream! 

I know why she's fat. Her parents both have eating disorders that stem from scarcity of food growing up. Her mother doesn't want to cook anything unless it is easy and or generally comes from a box. Her Dad doesn't really cook much of anything but is a goat. Her general diet growing up consisted mainly of carb loaded foods that were bland and she, like her parents, has a monster sweet tooth. When we got together, she thought mashed potatoes came from a box. She didn't know you could cut the potatoes, boil them, and then mash them. She could eat a whole package of cookies, by herself, in one sitting. By the time I came into the picture both her parents were diabetic and chugging down diet sodas like they were lost in the desert and any water was toxic. AND she's been on various depression medications since she was in her early teens. She's been 'warned' by her mother that she'd going to be prediabetic and diabetic for YEARS if she doesn't eat better. Kettle black. And more than that, thanks for putting that out in the universe. THAT is why she is fat. Not sexual trauma. 

As a doctor he should know better. And as a doctor, he should know that a vast number of the medications he prescribes all have, among many other not so stellar side effects, the side effect of weight gain- especially if it is one of the more common depression medications. But, because I do a little of my own research and look at side effects of medications when prescribed so I know the positives and negatives of taking the medication and also know that doctors are trained to 'treat fat first' instead of the actual problems, and have had nothing but a string of doctors who refuse to actually listen to me for over the last decade about my fucking period until I started taking picture of my crime scene bathroom and ended up in the ER and having that doctor mansplain me but take a blood test and come back to eat his fucking words and tell me- uh yeah, you're actually bleeding to death, you might want to get that hysterectomy fast tracked and then learned that I had precancer... *Silent rage scream in head* Here we are. And don't even get me started on the lack of care my mother is paying NOT to have for her health problems. 

I don't like doctors anymore. I don't really trust them. They make assumptions. They don't listen. And they also don't work with you to find proper solutions. they just want to throw a band aid on the problem and shoo you out of the office so they can do the same for the next patient and so on and so forth. It is disgusting. but our health care system isn't health care, it is health profit and keeping people miserable and fat, keeps them dependent on that system. We are all cash cows for them. 

I haven't ranted/vented like this on a blog for a long time. Kind of feels good to get frustrations out, but it doesn't really change anything. Selene needs a new doctor and we're going to try and get her one soon. I also want to see about getting a different one, not at the clinic. I am thankful the cost of visits at the community health clinic have been more affordable- we are private pay because it is actually cheaper for us to just pay out of pocket than pay for health insurance- but we really do just need to suck it up and go to regular doctor's office again. We both got better care that way. Besides, we don't need to go to the doctor that often. We've been fortunate in that regard. Mostly we go once or twice a year for check ins. Again, I am grateful for that. And it's not like we don't put forth any effort toward our weight loss goals. We do actually. We could do better, but, like all people, we could do better with everything in life.    

Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, working, sushi, power outtage, I'm so tired.

I can't get over how beautiful this piece is. Apparently it used to be on sale on Displate but is no longer but the artists name is Jesperish. I will be looking for them more thoroughly later. For now, enjoy!

I've done a thing. I am not usually a person who eats seafood. I'm allergic to shell fish and don't really like the taste and texture of most fish. I do like tuna and salmon though. But I got adventurous- it really was for the sauce and a bit of mild curiosity- and tried a caterpillar roll which has unagi (eel) in it. It was okay. I almost cried at one point, but it was good. I really do love the sauce. Apart from that, I pretty much will eat veggie and fruit sushi and sushi with cooked salmon or tuna in it. 

Saturday was the day of sushi exploration. Kat and Selene talked me into taking a break from work to go to the MAC (museum of arts and culture) which I will make a later post about. I have lots of pictures! Saturday was also the day that we came home and lost power, in fact, several sections of the city lost power thanks to the heat, dust, and a little rain- or so the power company said. And the power didn't come back on until 11:30 pm. Selene and I had already gone to bed, which was fine. What wasn't fine was the fact that some idiots decided to break in and vandalize the red house across the street from us. We couldn't see them and with the way things echo on our street, we couldn't really tell where the noise was coming from. It was kind of scary. Our neighbor's kid told us the next morning that they had come home and seen the perps in the act and called crime check and the police said they would come out only they didn't. So that's fun! 

I've been working pretty much all day, every day, for the last week or so, sometimes working 9-12 hours days with some breaks scattered throughout. I can't just sit all day, my body won't allow it. And it has been very exhausting.  I am so tired and don't feel like I am getting much accomplished. 

On to the more important bit. I have watched the first 2 episodes of the Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power. I don't hate it and if I pretend that its something else (as in not Lord of the Rings) I am excited for it. It doesn't have the same feel or tone. Close but not quite. That may change the further the series progresses. Still, I am enjoying it and do want to see more.

Because ELVES DAMNIT! 

And I really like seeing the Elven Cityscapes. And I do want to see more of young Elrond. The social structure of the elves seems... odd? There was something that threw me a little and I need to go back and re-watch it to see if I missed something or if it really is odd. As a side note, Selene found a "which LOTR character are you based on your Zodiac" thing. Mine is Galadriel! Hers was Gimli. 

Well, back to work.