Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Exhausted and I kind of need a rant...

I am so exhausted and this new house with the in-laws is not quiet and not at all peaceful. I think I would trade my parents hounding me to do anything and everything over all this chaos. Father-in-law has the news running in the back ground. He's talking and his wife is talking over him and they are both fussing about different things. My girlfriend is hooked up to the internet so I won't be getting her to do anything with me or for me. So with my aching and tired body, it looks like I will have to do all the house cleaning here, the cooking, and finish getting the bedroom put together here as well as go to school. *head desk* On top of all of that, I think I am getting sick. 

Today was a full day though. We were so busy doing Christmas shopping and I was in and out of the car, driving the car, and walking long distances. My back hurts so much and I am so worn out... mentally and physically, I just can't even write this blog. 

Truth: I'm going crazy, I don't know when things will all settle down if ever, and I miss my parents. Wow, 27 years old and I am whining about missing my parents, how mature of me. 

Monday, November 28, 2011

LAND!!! 15,000 miles traveled

(Our Uhal trailer hooked up to the back of my Jeep)

Two hours later than my native Time Zone, I'm sitting the living room of my Out-laws (it's a little inside joke, they are technically my in-laws), updating all of my internet statuses to let friends and family know that I've arrived safe... Technically, I arrived last night sometime after ten after a very long day of driving filled with stress. I'm sore, pretty sure I'm coming down with something, my back is bothering me something awful, and I'm down right exhausted. But, we are alive and nothing too terrible happened along the way.

Our move began four days ago and I feel that I didn't get to say goodbye to my parents the way I wanted. On the upside there wasn't any fighting. so that's good. Anyway, we made pretty good time for the first day and arrived in Denver that night. The only annoyance was that my girlfriend missed the exit to her friend's house and we ended up taking much longer than we had intended. 

(Yoda and Galen in their doggy carrier situated in the back of the Jeep. You can barely see Galen but he's the black shadow in the back.)

Day two was filled with less driving than we wanted but we were all so tired. We at least made it out of Colorado and most of the way through Wyoming. However, my girlfriend forgot to put my gas cap back after fueling up my Jeep. A short time later I heard a 'thunk thunk thunk' and didn't have the foggiest as to what it was. Turns out, that was my gas cap. And for some reason gas stations just don't carry them. Also, we made really crappy time due to meeting a friend and a cousin at Denny's for breakfast and then going to said friend's house to visit for a bit. Did I mention that I abhor driving in Denver? A deer tried to commit suicide that night by running out into the road but I guess thought better of it and ran back into the darkness my headlights couldn't illuminate. 

But Day three was awful. We seemed to be fixed for trouble the moment we awoke. The place we'd pulled over at for a few hours sleep was still closed when we awoke, so I couldn't go to the bathroom and had to hold it until a little later. When we got a hopeful town, I just about had a fit when the place we'd pulled into was closed too. Luckily, they opened just as we were beginning to get back into the cars and head out. The next thing to happen was a bit scary. the wind blew strong and gusted hard, so hard my girlfriend said she felt like the car was about to be picked up. For my part, I was hauling the jeep so I just felt like I was being pushed off the road several times. Not a good thing to feel and fight against on mountain roads. 

Then, after making it into Butte Montana, we stopped to get gas, coffee, and a bite to eat. I took the wrong exit and headed North instead of West, but really the signs were so confusing. North and West was one. South and West was another and I was still frazzled from fighting the wind. After that, my girlfriend took the lead and somewhere along the way she lost me. It was a good thing we had decided where we were going to stop next else I would have been screwed. I told her, "Don't lose me" and then watched her speed away, oblivious to me not being able to keep up for the trailer I was hauling. Honestly, that was really scary and it was dark and I didn't have cell service.

She left me behind again after I caught up with her at St. Regis, Montana. We had a bite to eat and switched vehicles. I wasn't too keep about driving Lookout pass in the dark much less in the rain. But this time I would have company in our friend who came to help us move. So as we watched Amanda and the trailer speed away, we sighed and I focused on getting to, up and over the pass in one piece. It started snowing before we ever made it to the top which was annoying and I really didn't want to worry about 4th of July pass, the next pass before we would arrive at our destination. I was tried, I was hurting, I thought I was seeing shit. Seriously, when you think you see a man in coveralls along the side of the road who isn't there for a split second, it's time to pull over. But we couldn't pull over. So, I was extra careful in getting over 4th of July pass. 

The rest of the trip was smooth sailing. We arrived, visited with the gf's parents for a bit and then crashed. Today, however, we had to unload everything. I think I hurt myself trying to help and the gf's Dad didn't help by making me feel bad for not doing more, but really, I can't do too much without risking my back. So I kind of felt like he needed to back off a bit. I took the light stuff in until I couldn't stand to be up. Then I went shopping with the gf's mom for a bit and now I am paying for it big time. Still, thank goodness for those motorized carts at wal-mart, if not for them, I would never make through there. 

There are some things to be sad about. My cats won't come out of the bathroom. We left a lot of stuff at my parents house. I didn't have the chance to do a general cleaning of my parent's house before we left. I think I am getting sick. And we left our bed behind so we are sleeping in recliners which really doesn't help my back and while my gf's parents offered up their bed, I can't take a bed away from a woman who's just gone through surgery. But we are getting a bed from one of my gf's cousins, used and left out in the rain, but a bed nonetheless. We'll have to dry the thing first and probably lysol it to death, but at least we will have a bed. And the last thing to be sad about is that my antique dresser, the one one my ancestors built, is broken. I asked my gf not to put her records in the drawers but she said it would be fine and low and behold, we arrive and the bottoms of the drawers are broken and the dresser is scratched. I'm going to have to sand it down and re-stain it. 

Good news is, I have a day or so before I have to go mess with school stuff. I'm just going to rest and try to enjoy it. 

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Family gatherings, moving, and whatever else I happen to rant/talk about.

Went to Grandma's house for Thanksgiving dinner today. Grandma made one of her mouthwatering, delicious, home-cooked dinners. We had: turnkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, homemade macaroni and cheese, turkey gravy, a relish/vegetable/cheese tray, orange jello with mandarin oranges, pistachio pudding, apple pie with ice cream, and Pumpkin pie with whipped cream. My uncle went out and got some Thai meal that didn't have any meat in it for my vegetarian friend and made it for her to go with all the vegetables. I thought that was really nice of him. It was a really wonderful meal and the last time for awhile that I will have my Grandmother's cooking.

Typically I am geared up to deal with my cousin Dashiell bouncing off the walls and my Uncle being a shithead and my Aunt shooting disapproving looks my way. But Dashiell was almost a polite, normal kid today. Almost. My Aunt was really nice to me. My Uncle was even nice for the most part but he tried to get me to talk politics with him. I refuse to discuss politics with him because he's a little bitch about it. He's one of those who can't handle someone else having a difference in opinion and god help us all if you're not on his team. It's so childish. He also didn't like how tired I was, which is his problem. And apparently he and my friend got along pretty darn well, she too shares his political views and if you have different opinion or she thinks you are wrong, there is no winning. In fact she's pretty much made me feel like an idiot just because I refused to fight with her about something that she was completely wrong about. Which is why she and I don't really talk politics anymore.

But all in all, it was a nice afternoon. We took family pictures in the yard, talked, Grandpa put money in my back pocket and we had a little fight about me trying to give it back.

On to moving. I'm not okay with this. I'm giving up almost everything but my things all over again. I keep trying to tell myself that this move will be better for me and have been trying to be more positive but the reality is, I'm really not okay. I'm terrified and I think this move might actually be worse for me in the long run, over all. I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'm going to keep pushing until I can't.

Happy Thanksgiving and more escapades into insanity

First and foremost, I want to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who stumbles upon my blog and to those who follow me. Love ya!

I'm trying not to fall asleep while blogging and it is proving difficult. I should go to bed and I will, pretty soon in fact, but in a little bit.

Yesterday isn't nearly as bad as Tuesday but I did run into some rather annoying and frustrating stumbling blocks. We went to pick up the Uhal trailer yesterday morning. The woman who set up our reservation promised that the 5x8 would hold everything in a one bedroom apartment. I approved my girlfriend's eagerness to get that trailer a few days ago even though I wasn't sure it would work because the woman promised and I was too scatterbrained to really picture 5x8.

Anyway, so we get there and I see the trailer and think "Oh no, we're not going to be able to fit everything, shit"! We planned to leave our bed because it's a piece of crap, the TV for my parent's living room since theirs went out, and some end tables. Our sofa we also gave to my parents because their 'nice' sofa is a p.o.s. Funny the guys who sold it to them said it would last longer than it has. And we are also leaving some book shelves for my Dad. All of our left behind furniture will eventually get replaced and we will get a bed when after we arrive in Idaho.

On with the tale: The guy at the Uhal place spent 45 minutes trying to hook the trailer up to my Jeep. He couldn't find the thing to hook up the lights and finally, after all that time, he removed one of my taillights and saw that whatever it was he needed had been there at one time and was no longer there. I was a bit shocked because 4 years ago when I moved to Idaho the Uhal place I dropped my trailer off at never put the light thing where it was supposed to go and thus I ended up losing my taillights and had to have the wiring redone. The mechanic apparently decided that he wasn't going to put the part that Uhal needed for this trailer in. So after over two hours spent at the Uhal place and an extra hundred dollars spent, I now have the light thing and the trailer.

After we got the trailer home my girlfriend and our friend started to load it and I took my mom to her doctor's appointment. The appointment was long and I really hate the nurses at her doctor's office. One of the receptionists is a total bitch. She is constantly giving me and my mother dirty looks which I think is strange since I have never spoken to her. The nurses in charge of giving shots were down right rude to my mother. My mom is a really tiny woman, she's not even 5 feet tall and she weighs 120 lbs. She doesn't have a lot of meat on her behind and of course that where they wanted to give her a migraine shot. They refused to give it to her in her thigh even though she had more 'meat' muscle in her thighs. One of the other nurses came in and said that they weren't supposed to give migraine shots in the thigh and they didn't want to be responsible for any damage. Then she popped off and said "Well, if you don't get this shot in the butt then maybe you really don't need it". And she was so rude about it! Mom gave in because her migraine was awful. Not only did the nurse not go slow with the injection, but she pushed the needle into my mom's hip bone. The last time they did that, she got an abscess and lost a chunk of flesh. So we will see if it happens again.

When I returned home, my mom chewed me out about trying to lift things to help load the trailer. She's right, I shouldn't but I feel really bad about everyone else doing so much work and me just bagging clothes and packing books in boxes. I like to do my share, especially when it's my stuff. We now have a mostly full trailer and still have a lot of stuff to load, but that stuff can all go in the cars. Anything else will have to wait until April or something.

After all of that, we went out to get dinner and headed to my girlfriend's brother's house to see him, his wife, and their kids. It was, of course, bed time for the kids but we were able to see them. We stayed way later than we should have but it was nice to catch up, laugh, and take a ride around the block in their new car.

After I get a few hours of sleep, I'll get up, get cleaned up, and go to Grandma and Grandpa's house for dinner. My Aunt, Uncle, and cousins on my Dad's side will be there and no doubt about it there will be a whole new realm of stress to drive me nuts.  But, it will be really nice to see them before I leave. We've decided to leave Friday morning. I'm not sure driving on Black Friday is a good idea but it's what we have to do because I just don't think I can drive all night to Denver, crash at a friend's, and drive again all at night.

Lastly, my kitties are being so good. They know we are moving again and both of them are being very calm and very good. I know they hate car rides and long ones really bother them, but I'll give them some goodies, lots of love, and a nice blanket to share in their carrier.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Utter chaos!!!

My house this evening was insane! My mother was on me the minute I got home from an appointment and I ended up going to the grocery store three times tonight. My cousin Tony was here when I came home from my last trip to the store and brought a friend I have never met. Tony was so drunk and worse, he was sobbing. He is pissed because I am moving, and tried to start a fight with my girlfriend. As if that wasn't enough, my mother was jumping on his band wagon, taking his side and stirring up trouble. Then she went into the kitchen to make something and tried to get my vegetarian friend to eat it. My mom wouldn't stop and kept at her and kept at her and this dish has not only gelatin but pineapple in it. She's allergic to pineapple and gelatin is made from horse hooves so she really didn't want to eat it. But, no, my mom insisted that she at least try it. My girlfriend and my mom got into it. Also, my aunt came over off and on and my little cousin Kayleigh was here running all over the place, the dog was going nuts, and in the end I ended up getting into a fight with my mother. My Dad had to come down and make my mom go upstairs and told her to stop being such an utter bitch.

During all of this time, my back was hurting so much. I'd been in and out of the store, cooking, my cousin Tony was hanging on my every time he gave me a hug. I started getting a headache and over heated and I was in so much pain I thought I was going to vomit. It was really bad.

In the end the dishes aren't done, I now have more since I had to cook. I still have to wash my Dad's jeans and take dinner up to my parents. And tomorrow is going to be a very busy day, I'm not sure how I am going to fit everything in. But I am hoping that tomorrow will be much better, stress wise at least.    

Monday, November 21, 2011

Emotional Rollercoaster!

I'm in the midst of ordered chaos. We have a friend from Idaho down to help us move, we're doing laundry, I've got one more class to take a final in, and I am trying to see friends and family before I leave. Lastly, I'm trying to finish out NaNoWriMo. My back isn't being very nice to me either. And while all of this is going on, there are people fighting and guilt trips are in abundance.

My mom and my gf are butting heads, both my parents are unhappy, and I'm stuck in the middle feeling the brunt and hearing the brunt of all of it. I'm down to five days before I leave and I've got a final tonight and thanksgiving on Thursday.  In the mean time there is laundry and packing to do. Thankfully we don't have too much packing to do. The down side of that, is that my gf and our friend aren't doing much in the way of getting ready to go. I'm limited in what I can do because of my back and being out of the house to see family. Tomorrow, I'll be attacking the laundry situation and packing as much as I can. I think that if I am doing things then my gf and our friend will help. It's just kind of depressing that they can't do these things on their own without me. I packed all or most of our two previous homes up alone and now, when I am having back trouble it looks like I will be doing it again.

Anyway, I'm just complaining and venting. I'm nervous and my body hurts so it makes things that much more stressful. And I really wish that people didn't guilt trip me so bad about moving. Unlike them, I'll actually come and visit and they all have more money than I do. Really, it's sad.

Friday, November 18, 2011

The clock is ticking...

Six days. Six days until I get into my Jeep with a Uhaul trailer hooked to the back and make the three day drive to Northern Idaho. Six days left to see family and friends I will be leaving behind. I can't say it's easy, I've had moments where I've cried and really struggled. And I've had brief moments of excitement.

I finally had a sit-down chat with my Dad today. He was home with a migraine so I thought it was the perfect opportunity, especially since he wasn't going anywhere. He really doesn't want me to move and he really thinks it's a stupid idea. But we talked and are in a comfortable place again and understand each other. We talked about other stuff too and it was nice to just talk.

I've been trying to finish up the homework for this quarter today. I've done two papers and since I can't sleep, I got back up to work on the third. I have some book work still left to do but I may put that off until tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow, we are picking our friend up from the air port tomorrow. She's going to help us load the uhaul and switch between cars to keep us company and awake on the drive. It'll be nice to have someone with me from time to time in the car. I'll have the cats with me, of course, but they will be in the large dog carrier in the back of the Jeep snuggled in towels and probably sleeping most of the time.

In other news, I've been looking for a hoodie. I have a heavy winter coat but not really any jackets that fit and are comfortable. So I've decided to just get plain hoodie and a some transfer paper then transfer an image onto it so it's a 'me' hoodie. And well, I really like hoodies, they are comfortable.

I haven't worked on NaNoWriMo for the last couple of days. I've been to unfocused and busy with other stuff. Mostly, I've been trying to see people before I leave. But I suspect that I will return to working on my short story project by Saturday night.

Well, I should get this stupid paper written and e-mail all three off to my instructor and be done with them. The rest of the homework I will have to hand in on Saturday.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

More Occupy Wallstreet ridiculousness

I really haven't had a chance to and or thought about reading my blog list fora few days since writing fr NaNoWriMo and working on school stuff. Plus there's the move and getting things organized and packed and general panicking. However, this afternoon, I decided that I would take a look and try to catch up on a few posts.

I read a couple of political blogs and while they might not be prescribed Libertarian, they are mostly Right wing. One is a vastly more Conservative than the rest. That's right, I said Right wing, Libertarian, and Conservative! If those words turn people off or scare them away perhaps they should take a look at some of the words floating around the Left like Socialism and Communism. Now before anyone gets huffy, I know there are readers who stumble onto my blog from countries that run on those ideals, but I'm American, proud of it don't want to live under those ideals. More importantly, my ancestors, quite literally fought for our country to be free and have since. In fact, some of my ancestors came over on the second round of boats, after the Mayflower.

So that was a bit of a side track and for that I'm sorry. Back to the blogs. Like I said, the ones I predominately read hold up to my ideals and brand politics, and of course, they have been covering the Occupy Wallstreet madness. And while I am sure there are many civilized, rational people within that mob, those who are not are giving the rest a terrifically bad name.

This time, from what I have read it seems that Occupiers are getting violent. In San Francisco the police were trying to keep Occupiers off the monorail tracks to a) keep anyone from getting hurt and b) let other people who aren't occupiers go about their business. Some Occupiers decided that wasn't cool and physically attacked the police with xatco knives. One officer's hand was sliced while another took a cut to the cheek.

In another arena a group of supporters of Occupy Wallstreet were in an Assembly to learn more about the movement, all of these people supporters of of the movement, when the Occupy folks decided to crash the Assembly. When they were voted out and asked to leave they didn't like it and like all  pushy tantrum throwers, they made the people vote again and again until they got their way. The people in the front row were disgusted by a man who fell asleep in front of the stage by his extreme body odor and others were disgusted by how the occupiers drowned out everyone trying to hold an orderly Assembly. They tore into anyone who had a difference in opinion, shouted like a broken record their message over mostly everything. The end result, nearly everyone who had come in support of them left pissed and no longer in support of their movement.  What a way to gain allies guys, great job!

Now, before anyone gets their panties in a wad, I am in favor of peaceful protest. I believe that is a right everyone should have. However, when things get so blatantly out of hand and there is vandalism, pollution, and violence and that peaceful protest becomes more like mob activity, it needs to reevaluated. You want to protest, fine, but do it like a civil human being and don't make a fucking mess or attack people.

And just in case anyone wants to know, I've been to a Tea Party rally, you know what didn't happen at it? There was no violence. People respected each other, picked up after themselves, threw away their trash, and no one was hurt or assaulted. No one squatted or camped out, they came had their rally and went home. It was in the perfect sense, a peaceful protest.

Okay, I'm done with my rant. I'm going about my business.

Just thoughts...

Yesterday, I awoke at 11 am but went back to bed to try and convince my girlfriend to get up and also because my back was bothering me. I thought using the back massager would help ease the pain a little if not work out some of the tension. Apparently it worked well enough for me to fall asleep and I didn't wake until 4 in the afternoon. I must have needed the sleep but I was annoyed because that meant I wouldn't get the things I need to accomplish for the day done.

Well, after I got over it, I set out to do what I could. I did my math homework, got dressed, and went to school. We did so much in class last night. Three tests, a writing assignment, and took notes and reviewed for next week's final. Surprisingly, class let out early.

When I got home, I didn't do much. I was kind of tired so I checked my facebook, discovered a word game and played it awhile, then decided if I was going to be up, I might as well work on NaNoWriMo stuff.
There were a few times that I started to doze off but now I'm wide awake and its past 5:30 am. I should have been in bed a long time ago.

The upside is that my cats have been extremely entertaining. Galen has been snoring off and on all night and making the strangest sounds. When he's been awake, he's managed to wiggle his fat butt behind the entertainment center, jump up in the entertainment center and for whatever reason paw at the back of it. It was really weird and I thought for sure he'd get stuck trying to get out.

Yoda on the other hand, has been doing what he always does, sleeping. A few times he's been awake and insistent upon being either on me or pawing at me to pet him. He talks in his sleep, I've decided. He makes some weird little noises too.

At some point I have to get some sleep, I just don't know if I want to do it now or look over what I've written for NaNo tonight. There's something about it that doesn't feel right, which will make the 3rd short story I've had problems with. It's very irksome and unsettling. And it will probably bother me so much that I won't be able to really sleep.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Taking a step back

This is me today except I shake my fist like an old man and growl. I've been angry all day. Last night I thought I was finally getting some relief from my back trouble. I was able to stand up straight, I didn't have the burning feeling, and even better I could tolerate the pain. This morning I awoke and it was hell getting up the stairs to the bathroom.

I decided when I got out of said bathroom that no matter what, I was going to do what I had planned to do while trying to sleep last night. Back pain or not, I was going to work on the picking up the house. For some reason my family seems to think that even when I'm hurting and can't clean up after them and myself, that they still don't have to either. So the house was, by my standards filthy. Other people might be like, oh  it's just messy, but I need a clean environment to be comfortable. That aside, the living room is picked up, the floor was swept, the gf did that for me. There are still a few things like dvds that need to be moved and there's the dusting and the windows need to be cleaned. But it's acceptable. I still have the bathroom and the kitchen. And I'm going to have to ride people asses about the laundry because mom's cat keeps pissing.

I really think Felan might be sick. She pissed twice within five minutes right in front of me. The trouble is coming up with the money to get her into the vet. Until then, we have to keep things off the floor and try to usher her into the litter box.

So we've got that I'm upset about the cat and about my back but what really made me growl today was the voice mail I had awaiting me on my phone. It seems the dept. chair of my department at school just can't quit. He reminded me of my lack of attendance and my grade and it would have been find if he hadn't been so rude. His closing comment was to rude say that he hoped I was feeling better. Like I said, it was the way in which he spoke that really got me upset.

I'm not typically an angry person. I'm human so I do get angry but usually I don't stay angry long. Within the last few months I've gotten angry and I've stayed angry. It's getting hard for me to defuse and I hate it. It makes things so much worse. So, I've decided that I'm going to look into some anger management techniques. Usually, all it takes to get me calmed down is to listen to music or write, those things aren't working any more. So it's time to try something new.

Words words words, lack of sleep, and math.

I have had about 30 mins of sleep since I last posted. I've been up basically 35 and a half hours.

I stayed up to make it to my appointment with my math instructor and got my grade up up to a B+ and it will probably go up still. While I was taking a make up test the department chair came in and sat down. He startled me because I was expecting my math instructor and not him. Startled and upset in finding someone I was trying to avoid sitting next to me and interrupting my test, I greeted him. He asked me how I was doing and why I missed class Tuesday.  I explained that I had not been able to move very well and was in a lot of pain. I told him that I was still in a lot of pain and sufficiently drugged just to be there then to get my math grade up. I think this man is less concerned about my welfare and more about school success statistics because proceeded to lecture me about my poor attendance (something out of my control mind you) and asked if I had spoke to my Dc Electronics instructor. I flat told him that I hadn't. His response was that he didn't even know if I could get my grade up in that class.I didn't tell him that I have pretty much given up on passing DC Electronics with a good grade nor did I tell him that I had planned sometime ago that no matter the grade earned, I am going to retake the class to be sure to understand everything.

He stayed a few minutes more, lecturing me, until my math instructor returned with another quiz I had to make up. He paused and said that the math I was doing was important. I wanted to say 'Well, duh!' but restrained myself.

After I was finished at school, the gf and I went to out to lunch because a) we haven't been in awhile and b) we were really hungry and too tired to make something at home. When we were finished, we came home, played on the computer for a few minutes and the lay down in the living room. My gf got to sleep for several hours but I did not. I slept for half an hour and awoke when my Dad came home from work. I was just about to sleep when my Dad cursed my cat and shifted back and forth trying to decide what to do. Yoda had gotten into the dog food again and promptly puked it up on my Dad's nice, black trench coat. It was an awful mess. So I got up and sent my Dad on his way to change clothes and give my mom the soda she'd asked for. I cleaned up the nasty puke and then spent the evening fending off said cat. He's a very cuddly kitty but after I sat down, he refused to leave me alone. He had to be on me in some fashion or another and he bitched at me if I wasn't petting him.

Giving up on sleep, I decided to use my evening for NaNoWriMo. I typed some of the story one handed thanks to Yoda. I'm also not very fond of the story I worked on, it moves fast, feels like two different stories, and just ugh! I'm not happy with it, it feels weird. I'm not going to work on it any more, I've set it aside to be rewritten later, when I'm not so sleep deprived. Also, I think part of my problem was in my note taking. I practically wrote the whole plot of the story in one page and every time I do very detailed and extensive notes I somehow manage to ruin the story and make myself hate it. At least the sex scene was good, even if I did write 'his fighters' instead of 'his fingers'. I blame lack of sleep.

In the end I've managed to reach 27,162 words for NaNo and it's only day 10. I know I did much better last year, hell I wrote 50,000 words in 19 days... But I wasn't going to school nor did I have back issues.

Speaking of my back. It;s a little better. I'm standing up straighter and moving around a little better. The burning sensation seems to have passed. AHHH! Yoda is back and looking up at me with large, expectant eyes!

*sigh* I am a slave to my cat. And I'm wide awake.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Wow! I really wrote a lot!

I've stayed up all night to write for NaNoWriMo and I now at 22020 words! I've got three stories done for my eleven short story project and am hoping, after I get my homework done in the next few days, that I can get one more finished. I just have to decide which story I want to do next, find suitable names for characters, and make some notes.

I'm kind of dreading doing my homework. It's a lot of math and a few papers for Micro econ, but I'm hoping to be done with all of it by Friday so I can get back to writing for NaNo.

I'm kind of tired and my back is bothering me but I'm afraid to lay down for fear of missing my appointment with my math instructor at eleven. Then again, if I don't get a little rest, I might just fall asleep while at my appointment. What to do?

Oh well, I'll figure something out.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Daddies cry too, a possibly very sick kitty, and a burning sensation that won't quit.

I am a total Daddy's girl. He's my go to guy for nearly anything I am unsure of or want more information on. He's smart, funny, and fun to be around, gives the best hugs, and sometimes he's a complete ass. But he's human with human emotions. When I was a little girl I only saw my Dad cry once and that was because he and my Mom were having a really bad fight. They rarely fight, so if and when they do, it's usually over something big. The next time I would see him cry was a my Great Grandma Ireland's funeral.

As I've grown up, I've seen my Dad cry at funerals of dearly departed loved ones and surprisingly enough, a couple of times while watching movies. Dad cried when we watched Harry Potter, when Haggrid came back at the end of the film after being sent away from Hogwarts. And, he was man enough to admit it when I asked if he was getting teary-eyed.

Tonight, my Dad cried for a reason that isn't within the norm of what I have known him to cry over. Every once in awhile things get to be too much and people need release. People get sad and need to cry. My Dad has a lot of reasons to be depressed, angry, and frustrated over. Grandpa, his father, has Alzheimer's and we don't think Grandpa will be sharp for much longer. His mind is going pretty quickly. Dad is scared to lose his father and he's scared that he too might be facing the same mental future. I'm scared for him too, more so for him than for myself because I will do everything I can to take care of him no matter what condition he's in.

Dad is also very worried and furious about his job situation. He used to work in adult residential corrections and he was great at it. Seriously, his old employees walked up to him recently and told him that they missed him and the center where he worked is falling apart now that he's not there to keep it running properly.  Once, sometime ago, someone even called him a 'residential beast', he was that good at his job.

Anyway, since they eliminated his position in adult residential due to budget cuts, he was lucky enough to be offered a job in Juvenile corrections doing about the same thing, with the same pay and benefits. He took it because he's too young to retire, he actually likes what he does, and he and Mom need the county benefits and medical insurance.

Things have not been going well since his transfer. Apparently he has some very petty co-workers who don't like to be corrected, have their flaws pointed out, or be upstaged by someone who actually does their job and does it well if not better than they do. It's not that my Dad is trying to be some show off or create confrontation and tension, he's just trying to do his job right, the way it's supposed to be done, and get on about his business. Sometimes that means that he has to step on a few toes. It doesn't mean he likes doing it. He'd rather get along with everything.

But his personnel review came up and several of those co-workers pitched a fit about him, complained, and made trouble. So now Dad is on probation and when they decide to downsize, he will be one of the first to lose his job. And with the way the economy is now and the cost of medical appointments and medicine, he and Mom will be quite literally fucked.

On top of all of it, Dad suffers from severe depression. It doesn't help that I am moving away for who knows how long or that out of the group of four friends he hung out with in school, there are only two of them left, him being one of them. And he's tired and gets horrible migraines and I think tonight everything just hit him the wrong way.I hate hearing either of my parents cry, but when Dad cries and there isn't anything I can do to help, it makes me feel awful.

On to matters of a possibly sick kitty. My mom's cat Felan Phoebe ( pronounced~ Fee lawn) or Fifi as we like to call her, has become very thin. She used to be so fat, nigh obese for a small cat, in fact she looked like she'd swallowed a barrel. At first I thought that she was losing so much weight because my cat Galen has become a bully and chases her and my other cat, Yoda, away from the food dish. I've been getting after Galen for being such an ass and he seems to have toned that behavior down.

But Felan is still getting thin. She's so skinny I can easily feel her bones and she's lighter than my cousin's 9 month old kitten. And now she's taken to peeing on clothing in the basement. I thought maybe she was peeing on the clothes because of Galen. Then I thought it was because she was sick, but I've watched her and she's doing it on purpose so I'm beginning to wonder if its a combination of both.

As far as my back is concerned, it's still not much better. I think I've mentioned a burning sensation and today it's been really bad. I had my own bit of crying from it earlier today and my Mom wanted to give me some of her medicine. Since this isn't seeming to get better, I'm going to have to look for other things I can do to help myself. Medicine and exercises, even the home exercises for spinal decompression just don't seem to be enough. Or maybe I'm doing them wrong. I'll have to check and see.

Monday, November 7, 2011

So sleepy!

Well, I made it to school tonight. It wasn't easy but I managed to get through the whole class. I took my pain meds and a nerve pill and now I am so exhausted and sleepy I doubt I will get very much done tonight. I did manage to get some homework done, part of my math and I at least looked at my DC Electronic's assignment. I will have to postpone the rest of my work until tomorrow morning and afternoon.

I feel kind of bad and annoyed with myself because I should be able to do all of the homework tonight and even get some writing done for NaNo. I got a little done last night for NaNo but not much. So at some point this week, I am not only going to have to cram to get the homework done but also work my butt off with the NaNo work.

The good news is, I have finished the first story in a series of eleven that I am working on for my NaNo project. I started the second last night and have a very nice beginning. So tomorrow night, provided I am not completely exhausted after class tomorrow, I can work on something fun for a change.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

There's a rumbling under my butt but Jack Sparrow didn't seem to notice.

Tonight while watching Pirate of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, we heard the windows on the storm door rattling and felt the floor and the sofas we were sitting on shake. At first I thought it was my cousin's 3 year old niece causing the problem since she was stomping around and being, well, a 3 year old fighting her long past bed time. But she stopped and the ground shaking continued for a good minute longer. It was a bit startling.

So, we turned off the movie and went to see if any of the local news channels were reporting anything. And they were. Apparently there was a quake down in Oklahoma near Oklahoma City and the tremors were reported to be felt clear up in Kansas City, Ks. Now we don't live that far from the Oklahoma border and it takes 3 hours for us to go from home to Oklahoma City, Ok. The quake was reported as being a 5.6 but as far as I know, no one has been hurt.

My Facebook News page lit up like crazy with everyone freaking out over the tremors and I am wondering if anyone else paid attention in science class like I did and remembered that we do have a fault line running though the Great Plains. We technically have earthquakes all the time when the tectonic plates shift and move we just don't always feel them and we certainly, to my knowledge, don't have quakes like those in Japan or California and other places in the world. There have been some quakes historically reported but nothing that would be on a world news headline. Just something that would make local papers and they are few and far in between. Also, there was a smaller quake that happened last night but I, of course, was asleep and didn't know a thing about it until this morning.

After my family and I had a little chat about it, we turned the movie back on and finished it. I'm telling you it's kind of hard to watch a movie with a tried, cranky 3 year old screaming in the background, but we had the subtitles on so I didn't miss out and eventually said 3 year old calmed down. She didn't like the mermaids though. She also said she didn't like vampires either. I, of course, told her that vampires were her friends and that werewolves were the ones she really needed to be careful of. Yeah, she didn't buy it. It;s a work in progress.

All in all I thought the movie was actually pretty good and if the rumors I've seen on the internet are to believed, and I am a little skeptical until I see an official announcement, there might be a Pirates 5. They certainly left it open for one.

Saturday, November 5, 2011


Well, I am an unhappy camper this morning. I have been reminded of all the things I am going to miss when I move back to Idaho and the list doesn't just stop with friend and family. It goes on to comfort zone, local activities and community events.

Also, I'm down because I haven't been writing as much as I would have liked and on some level I feel very neglected. I haven't been playing guild wars with my Dad and he never seems to want to hang out. My Mom doesn't seem to either and since NaNoWriMo started I even feel a bit cut out from my girlfriend. She's writing on her own stuff but also doing an rp with a friend of ours. At some point I am going to have to complain which will make me feel like a complete shit. But damn it, I need some attention.

I am also having a problem with a friend who I will soon be around a lot. I don't really want to go into other than that I feel that she isn't as much of a friend as I thought she was.

I'm just really depressed and I'm sure once I'm not everything will seem so silly. 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

the Occupy Wallstreet protestors and V for Vendetta

I've been following the Occupy Wallstreet movement, not because I agree with them, but because I'm trying to keep up with all that is going on. First let me state that I am not a Democrat. While Democrats have some good ideas, they are too few and far in between for me to ever be comfortable voting for them. I am not a Republican either, I am a Libertarian but I am not as conservative as a majority of them.

Secondly, make no mistake, I am not attacking those who legitimately cannot work or who are retired. 

From what I have gathered, the Occupy Wallstreet protestors are saying they are the 99% and for them 99% means that they are not wealthy, thus calling those who have millions and billions the 1%. They want the government to tax the rich and spread the wealth.

Let me ask a question. How would you feel if the government came to you and ordered you to pay more taxes, thus downgrading your way of life, no matter how extravagant it is, so other people could benefit. How would you like it if they told you the money you earned can't be used to buy a new car, send your kids to college, buy clothes or food. Or that you couldn't use the money for that vacation with your family you've put off for years because you had to work long hours and save up the money in a special savings account just to go.

Perhaps you would agree and perhaps you wouldn't. I, for one, wouldn't. But maybe that's because I am no stranger to the 99% and what most of them are really like.

Most, not all of the 99%, are on welfare, SSI, food stamps, ect... A lot of them don't work, not because they physically or mentally can't, but because they are too lazy. A lot of them abuse the system because why the hell would they want to work for a living when they can sit on their ass and collect money from the government. People even use their children to get money, after all the more you have the more money you can make off them.

That's right, I said it. I've seen so many pictures of people holding up the "I am the 99%" posters listing their useless college degrees, the debt they owe, how they are jobless, and even some say what they do all day none of which is looking fora job. And they all seem to think that they are owed something, that they are entitled to something.

Perhaps I am being too harsh and unsympathetic. However, I don't think so. I was raised that it doesn't hurt you to want, if you want something you work for it, no one owes me shit, life is hard, and most importantly, to do my best to be self-sufficient, independent, and not a burden to other people. While I am not in a position at the moment to be completely self-sufficient due to a back injury, I am still trying to go to school and still trying to do things around the house. I have been a bit unsuccessful but the point is that I am still trying.

So I think it's a bit wrong for a bunch of people to stand various places complaining about their lack of wealth when they are not perusing education or job seeking to help themselves. I have seen videos and pictures of people smoking pot at these events, a lot haven't showered, a lot are accusing Libertarians, the Tea Party and Republicans of racism while a lot of them are attacking Jews. And a lot of them are littering all over the place.

I have also seen reports that people are getting attacked sexually at these events. And sickening as that is, what's worse is these idiots aren't calling the police, they are handling it in their own way, which is to chase the rapists and molesters away. They should be capturing these monsters and detaining them for the police so these monster can't come back and hurt more people.  

What is more alarming is that some are masquerading as V from V for Vendetta. They have completely misconstrued the whole premise of the movie which is that the government should not regulate and control people's lives, what they eat, how they spend their money, or take certain freedoms away from people. Instead they are twisting V's mission into one of their own. It's very ironic that they want the very thing the movie is fighting against.             

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

It's a cold, wet night.!

I love the rain! I love to be out in it, the way it feels on my skin, and the smell. I also love to watch it fall from inside my house and love listening to it. It's nice and chilly and we're getting rain. So I made roasted butternut squash, Brussels sprouts in a butter cream sauce, and sausage. My cousin Sheena was over to watch a movie. She liked it, my parents didn't seem to like it so much which makes me very sad. It took me a long time to make dinner and I was hampered by my back.

 Speaking of my back, it's really bad again today. Since I'm not getting any better sleeping on the sofa, I am going to try and sleep in my bed tonight and see how I feel in the morning. Something's got to give not only physically but mentally. The stress and tension level within this house is stifling and no matter where I go I can't seem to get away from it. I feel very on edge and very close to breaking. But there is something within me that keeps fighting. The only question is, what am I fighting for?

My family is uber pissed at me and letting me know it. Some of my friends, or people I thought were friends are ignoring me. School is going to shit and my back won't give me a break. And the guilt, as if I didn't feel bad enough people have to rub and grind it in.  And I think my parents actually hate my girlfriend now and its over something so trivial and I am caught in the middle. This is insane! I just want this all to stop! It;s driving me crazy! I can't sleep without nightmares, I have trouble sleeping... I know I am gaining weight again. I cry every day and when I do I feel so utterly exhausted. I don't know what to do.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A whole day wasted…

The one thing I detest about the medicine I take is that all of it makes me drowsy. My pain pills, muscle relaxers, depression pills, and even my antihistamine which was prescribed to help with panic attacks (apparently there is something in it that helps with that). I’ve done pretty well with all of them together even without the help of caffeine to keep me awake but not today. No, today I am in so much pain that I had to take two of the pain and muscle relaxer pills (both of which are extremely low dose). The result was me curled up on the sofa sleeping all day.

There is also another thing I hate about my medicine, the pain and muscle relaxers in particular. I hate that they wear off so soon leaving behind the part that makes me drowsy and a couple hours of pain before I can safely take the next round of medication. So, I’m pretty much useless and useless doesn’t fly in my parents’ house, at least not for me.   

I have also spent the entire day, at least the minutes spent awake, extremely depressed and fighting panic attacks. There are several reasons why I’m so very depressed and many that give me cause to panic and I’m almost certain that if my back weren’t bothering me, I would and could handle it all much better and be able to pick myself up and get on with what needs to be done. But with my back bothering me and something or someone bringing me a new issue everyday or dropping their shit on me, I just can’t handle it.

My therapist, yes, I see a therapist because I need a place to go and talk to someone objective and not influenced by this person or that person, says that she has complete faith that I will get through this difficult time. She said that every time things get really bad I always find some way to keep going and to come out a little better than I was before. It’s really nice to have someone, a stranger no less, have faith in me where I can’t seem to find any. Still, as nice as it is, it’s not quite having the same effect as it has in the past. This time I really up shit creek without a paddle and the shit-water is boiling in it so I can’t just slip out of the boat and swim to shore.

I’ve thought about each problem and tried to find solutions for each one. For some there really aren’t any solutions that will work in my favor but I’ve tried to see the positive in each one. However, one of my largest problems ties in with another. My back and school.

ITT Tech is huge on attendance and I agree with them. I want to be there, I want to be in class. I would be there if I could but physically I can’t. So my grades have dropped. I’ve lost honors status which really upsets me. I know I can get it back but not this quarter. I am probably going to fail at least one class if not two. It’s not for lack of me trying. I’ve been playing catch up and reading my text books, and such all quarter but it’s no seeming to do me any good, except in one class. And the department chair of my department doesn’t seem to grasp the situation despite the fact that when I am barely able to make it, I take a pillow to sit on so I have some relief and I can’t stand up straight much less walk without being bent over.

I have spoken with him about my back. I have really struggled through my classes which are four hours long, to not only be there but to stay the entire time. But I am in so much pain it is very hard to concentrate, still I try.

Today I wasn’t able to make it. Today he called and more or less chewed me out. Tomorrow I have to call him back because tonight I just can’t deal with him. Tonight, I need to rest and try not to think about everything.  Hopefully, when I sleep again, I won’t have any nightmares. I’ve been having a lot lately.