Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Finally! Conflicted. Where I have been lately.


It doesn't seem like a whole hell of a lot has been going on lately and yet... 

First, my bank really dropped the ball. Not only did they lie about when the document they were supposed to be sending out would arrive, but now they seem to be ending free checking. That's fine, I was closing with them anyway. 

Second, the housing authority came through for us, voided the other check, and cut us a new one. So, we've gotten our friend Rachel paid back and mostly paid back Amanda's parents. We still owe them a little, but it will be taken care of shortly.  

Third, the housing inspection went well, the owners are going to fix basically everything, and the loan officer has already made arrangements for an appraiser to head out and look at the house. So far it looks like every thing is on schedule. However, December 13th, our closing date, can't seem to come soon enough. My plan is to get the painting done right away, let it dry, then move in. This is so we don't have to deal with the cats and paint. That's if every thing works out and we get the house. I am a little worried, the universe has thrown me some heavy slaps lately, so I am cautious. 

Speaking of, my panic attacks have gotten a little worse. I had one the other day that lasted half a hour. Amanda wanted to take me to the hospital. I am really getting sick of this. 

To keep my mind off things, I have been binge watching stuff on netflix. Total avoidance, I know, but it's what I can do right now. Between Voltron, Grey's Anatomy, and trouble getting to sleep at night, I managed to cook up a Voltron fanfic and I'm not too happy about it. Well, no, a fanfic is fine, but I want to focus on writing novels not fanfic, and I didn't want to start anything until after I was moved into a house. I tend to get obsessive about writing and don't like interruptions or distractions when I get going, and sometimes get a little cranky. And while there is a little privacy in two of the places we are bouncing between, there isn't really any place comfortable for me to set up- comfort as in my desk chair. However, it seems that no matter how resistant I am to writing this fanfic, it is that much more determined to make me write it. So, after much hemming and hawing, I finally broke down and wrote up a character bio for an OC, did a little research, and today I am going to start it. As Amanda keeps reminding me "all writing is practice". Yeah, I know that, but I'm not going to make a career out of fanfic. It is just frustrating. 

Aside from that, I've had some pretty awful dreams lately, two of which involved my mother either being seriously hurt or her dying. Another was an unsettling dream to begin with but only grew worse when I saw Amanda at a bus depot and the relief and safety I had in seeing her was ripped away when she came up to me and introduced me to a woman she was replacing me with. As if that wasn't bad enough, she said she was going to keep me to be the companion animal to this new wife and that I was going to be their cook and maid. Dream Amanda is a hoochie-mama-heffer-head-bitch! 

Well, that's about it for now. I'm rather tired, didn't sleep well last night, so I might take a small power nap. I'll catch up on blog reading a little later. 

6 comments:

  1. Dream Amanda isn't the best - but Dream Hannah is usually pretty brutal too - just saying. XD

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  2. You accomplish a lot just by being consistent with this blog. My entries come in spurts (heheh, come in spurts ), and then I go months without writing in it at all. I really have nothing to say in it. My days are rather uneventful, my diet and cooking not 2orth mentioning. I feel my life should be this huge adventure for people to find my blog interesting. But the only thing I'd currently talk about is my current RPS. Thank God I finally have some again! My anxiety level has dropped dramatically as a result but I also think they're an addiction. To me, anything that brings me pleasure becomes an addiction that later brings me grief but there's nothing for it. I have to do something and life is going to hurt whether I do a thing or not do anything.
    I'm glad Amanda reminded me by proxy that all writing is practice.
    I recently learned my son participates in MUSH RP. He says it's the elitist version of RP. I sent him a paragraph sample and he cut me a new asshole on my grammar-and rightfully so. I've seen some of his writing and he's amazing with his grammar and spelling. He never got any farther (further?) than high school like me but he makes me look like shit. I'm both proud and envious. (Btw, MUSH Stands for Multi User shared Hallucination.;Most of them roll their eyes at forumy or chat rps. You have to pass a strict writing test by submitting some paragraph samples and a character sheet too I think) I find it intimidating to entertain the idea but I need to be willing to write badly as Amanda quoted. I'm very prideful to my discredit.
    Anyhow, it sounds to me like your house is going to go well. Are you employing divination and magic? That stuff has always backfired on me in a bad way. Equivalent exchange is very real and can manifest in very unpleasant ways. So I don't do it anymore. At least that way when life is a nasty chimpanzee throwing poo at me I don't blame myself as badly.
    I haven't been remembering my dreams much lately. I don't try to. I got tired of trying to see the meaning behind everything which is my tendency. I opted for leaving myself the hell alone.
    My doc switched me from Xanax to Valium which has a longer half life than Xanax. Xanax is in and out of the system so quickly,I was getting the anxiety it was supposed to treat. Between that and my RP, I feel more normal than I have in MONTHS.
    I hope your house works out for you. Closing is only two weeks away!

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    1. I reread this and realized it contained a lot of 'I, I, I.'
      Sorry for seeming or being self centered. My wish is to share where I've been so you might see you can relate some.
      Sending viciously huge amounts of positive thoughts that you get your house and your fur back asap!

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    2. You are fine, lol. I understand, I do that too, its how you relate to someone.

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  3. I'm so glad you got another check from the housing authority.
    It's not surprising that you are having such bad dreams, stress from all of this is leading you there. When you stress out, some of your biggest fears get churned up.
    Thankfully when you wake up, your mom is doing alright and Amanda is the wonderful, supportive, wife she always is.
    Have you been in to check on your hormone levels?
    I had the worst anxiety when my ovaries were shooting out unhealthy amounts of every bad thing they could come up with.
    I hope that gets better as soon as you move into your new house.
    Sending good thoughts and hugs!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Marfi! No, I haven't had a chance to really check that yet. I wasn't given hormones after my hysterectomy because I wasn't having mood swings or night sweats.

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