Raw hands, stomach, and a little Wammawink

Wammawink from Centaurworld. 

Why have I been awake since 2 am? Why do I nearly always wake between 2 and 3 in the damn morning? To pee, usually. It's obnoxious, especially since we are a one bathroom house and said bathroom is downstairs. So then I ask myself, is it worth it to get up and go down, do the business, and come back up? Because you can bet I will be wide awake by the time I get back up here. Well, despite telling myself that, no, it isn't worth it this morning, my bladder thought otherwise and wouldn't let me go back to sleep. Of course that isn't the only reason, I'm having a fibro flare as well and since I sprained the MCL in my right knee that's be just lovely. There's yet another reason but I will get to that in a few. Such fun! But moving on.

A friend of mine had a birthday recently. He loves Wammawink from Centaurworld- a crack show if I ever saw one and also what my wife says her brain is like. I do enjoy the show and like several of the songs. In fact, there's one that just about makes me cry every time I hear it. When comparing ourselves to the characters, my wife is Glendale, and I am Becky Apples. Do with that what you will. Anyway, I digress. Knowing this friend loves Wammawink and everyone agrees he is, I decided to make him some Wammawink watercolor art. Of course I forgot to take a picture of it. I do have the line art still, though. He liked it so much he hung it on the wall right away. 

Tis the prime season for my hands to hate the world. I'm a little bit of an overzealous handwasher. I can't say obsessive, it's not that serious, but I do tend to wash my hands twice when finished in the bathroom, if I get sticky stuff or oily stuff on them, or when I've been cleaning. I also do dishes and cook a lot and given that I used to work in food service several years back and also a day care and we had the pandemic... My damn hands are raw! Again! Yes, this happens several times a year. My wife gave a hand salve for Christmas and I don't think it helps much. I have hand creams and lotions but when you hyper focus most of the day on various other things... Sometimes you forget, at least until your hand are itchy and sore or when you are washing your hands again, doing dishes, ect... It sucks!

On to the other reason I am up this early. I have GERD and I am often nauseated. In fact, since my doctor took me off omeprazole because new research says its bad for people long term- I've been on it so long I can't even remember when I was first prescribed it- I've been having a great deal more trouble. Since water gives me heartburn, my doctor's suggestion of diet change to help alleviate the issue had me rolling my eyes mentally. I'm self-aware enough and pay enough attention that I know which foods to avoid that really kick the heartburn off. And since I don't have a gallbladder anymore, I can't do a lot of greasy foods. It's not so much the heartburn anyway, its the fact that I get so nauseous. Lately, I've been throwing up for no good reason, usually first thing in the morning. No, I cannot possibly be pregnant, I had a full hysterectomy a few years ago and given that I am strictly monogamous and married to a woman... well.  Anyway, I am to see a dietician and my doctor again later in the month. We are trying to deal with this and she wants to try me on the medication like Wegovy for weight loss and diabetic prevention. If you've been as heavy as me for as long as I have and nothing else has been working, fuck it, I'll try it.     

Enough of that bitching and on to something fun, at least for me. Magic happened. Real manifestation magic before I'd really tried to put much work into manifesting what I wanted. One of my goals this year is to write at least half of one of the novels I have been trying to write for years. It was a goal last year too, but I could not, for the life of me, write much. Some of it was we were busy. Some of it was I was too tried and worn out. Some of it was impostor syndrome and anxiety and depression. But this year, when I put it on my list and had been talking to a friend about wanting to really do it, she voiced that she wanted to get stuff written too, and suggested starting a writing group. So, I did. And at first I really struggled and it felt like I was ripping every word out of myself, but lately, its just happening. I still struggle, sure, I think every writer does, but I have 35 pages written- which doesn't seem like a lot, but I have been editing and rewriting as I go and instead of doom and gloom and tears, I'm excited to write and think about the story a lot. And, I feel 'normal-ish' again. Like this is where I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to be doing. It's really nice. Since this is something I went to school for and have been doing since I was 13, I've regained a sense of true normalcy that I haven't in years. And it really does feel like I am finally getting my sense of self and my life back.    

 

Vending with the Fae and Moving from Dragons to Elves.

 

Not sure who did this art, I will look more in depth later, because, damn, it's good! 

Blogging became a distant notion last week as I worked to make more items for my store. I was gearing up for the 1st annual Fairy Festa, which was amazing. Had I not been a Vendor, I still would have gone. That said, even as a Vendor, I had a lot of fun seeing people's costumes, mushroom hats, fairy wings, dragon face paintings, ect... My vendor spot was actually right next to an old friend's and we squealed like girls when we realized we would be next to each other. That's not something I usually do, but it was really awesome. So I got to catch up with her and while she did tarot readings, I sold my wares.  I actually had a bit of panic when I surveyed my tables at the end of the event. I'm down a lot of merch and that is great! But I'm a one woman show and there are only so many hours in the day before the next event. And then only so many before the one after that. Still, I couldn't start work this week until new bobbin thread came in the mail. Yes, I did that on purpose, instead of going to Joann's, to give myself a little break. 

I am still invested in the new Game of Throne's show. I watched the new episode tonight and was not disappointed. A bit grossed out on two occasions, but I got to see Dragons so I was appeased. Speaking of, I had a really weird dream featuring Matt Smith, who plays a Targaryen in the show. He looked like his roll but he was not that character. It got really weird and when I was recalling it this morning, it got me to thinking about one of the stories I have been 'on again off again' working on for the last couple of years. It's an elf story and it was so much in the forefront of the thoughts today, that I had a little trouble focusing on other things. And now, I just want to spend all night writing but am much too tired. I took some notes and decided to do this blog post that way I get a little writing done but am less likely to lose it if I fall asleep at the computer.

And apparently, I have elves on the brain bad lately. 

Side note, I did one of those DNA kits and have been working on building my family tree- one section has already been done for me, but there is much more that needs to be done. Anyway, spent a hour or so searching through the Dawes Rolls looking for ancestor names of mine that might be listed as part of the Cherokee tribe. Haven't found anyone yet but there are 911-915 pages of lists, so it will take some time, especially because I am looking for different surnames and am not even sure these are the right people. I really do need to contact some of my Mom's family to see if I am following the right lines, but I hear they are crazy and that makes me a bit nervous. 

Anyway, I am going to be very busy for the next several weeks with work for my store and with more Northwest Pagan Fest planning and coordination. I'm not sure when I will get any writing done, or reading, but I'm going to make it part of my self care, I think. 

For now, I am going to bed. 

So many Dragons and attempting to blog again after almost 3 years

 

A lot has happened in the last couple of years and I'm not sure where to begin. So, maybe I'll start with dragons. I'm reading, at a snail's pace, The Hobbit. A friend lent it to me because the last time I had seen the actual text, I was pretty little and my Dad was reading it to me before bed every night. Of course, I enjoy the movies, the music and Smaug is one sexy beast! But, reading it as an adult is a fun adventure- when I remember to pick up the book. Normally, reading isn't a problem for me. Okay, I'll admit that I have had some struggles with some books in that they have actually put me to sleep- there were two in college and one in high school (I am looking at you My Antonia). Some of the books on Kindle have had pacing issues or maybe the story wasn't holding me- which I feel it is important to note that I have a high tolerance for a great deal and more so for the tedious and slow moving story, depending, more so than most people I know. 

Anyway, my struggle is not any of those things with the Hobbit, Tolkien is the kind of word porn that I enjoy. It is simply that I have been busy and set the book down and it got moved into the office/craft room, and just recently discovered where it had been tucked away to. The Hobbit is now out where I can see it and the sooner I get to read about one of my favorite arrogant dragons, the happier I will be- especially given events as of late. 

The second dragon item is that I started the Game of Thrones: House of the Dragon series tonight. I was not happy with how Game of Thrones ended. I could rant about that forever and a day, but I think that is best saved for another time. I am tired and its getting close to my bed time. Yes, I know how the story is going to go and like Rogue One of Star Wars, we get the gist. However, I do enjoy the court/political intrigue and well, DRAGONS! 

My third dragon item is that Selene- aka Amanda, aka my wife, and I, along with two cousins and a couple of friends, have been playing D&D A LOT! I'm finally getting to have characters that start at level 1 and actually level up, not just one level, but several. I'm finally getting to see what higher level characters are like, actually enjoy a story, learn more about and how to play the game. I understand some games fizzle out, but damn, it was disheartening. I tend to get excited and invested. If the character dies during session, fine, I will get over it, and that's one thing, but the whole campaign? That's shit. Unless the people who are playing are shit, but there are horror stories about that kind of thing on the internet. 

On a slightly shifted dragonesque topic, I've made some D&D and dragon centric things for my Etsy store. If anyone remembers, I kept talking about wanting to start a store. I finally did it! It is called Shadow Fox Witchery. I will most likely talk about the store more in depth later. Anyway, I embroidered two dragon designs on tote bags today. And I spent half my day ironing. Which leads me to the next topics. 

We've been busy. I didn't think the pandemic was going to take much toll on me, not like it did for a lot people. I'm introverted so staying home wasn't too out of the norm for me. Selene's work moved to remote- work from home- during the pandemic and that has now become permanent. We did get Covid and it was awful. I had had a fever so high I probably should have gone to the hospital, but we managed it. Our sleep schedules were sufficiently screwed up for a long time, and the Covid really took a toll on both our depression and anxiety. Then, trying to go back out into the world when things began to open up was a struggle. I am still ordering groceries online and picking them up. 

What's helped with that is that we have done some updates on our home. We redid the bathroom and are very shortly going to be redoing the kitchen. That has been a kind of a cluster fuck. We tried to do the online design thing with Lowes and the guy we were working with was okay, but he didn't stay within our budget and nothing was really going to change with the kitchen. Worse, everything is on back order and the wait time and how long we were going to be out of a serviceable kitchen was getting longer and longer. We can't not have a functioning kitchen for several months.  So, we went into our local store and just asked some questions of the kitchen designer there. We're doing this shit ourselves. She not only answered every question, talked us through how to do stuff we weren't sure about- because she's actually done it all herself, gave us resources, ect... And it was all significantly less than our max budget! We will be doing everything except the plumbing, that we need a plumber for, but we need one anyway to hook up the dishwasher and take a look at a leak in the basement. 

But we are having other issues with the house aside from a leak. Our oven door broke. Selene fixed it, twice. We are finally getting the pine trees removed in September and we were damn lucky that one a very windy day the one that fell miss both our car and Kat, our cousin's car, by mere inches. The fireplace was looked at and cleaned and has a great bill of health. However, when we tried to get two extra electrical outlets installed in the house, the electricians who came out to look into doing it, said we really shouldn't. And they were pissed for us. We have that great old knob and tube wiring. It hasn't really been too much of an issue until recently. The fuse for the main level blew four times tonight in the space of an hour. Apparently we can't have the ac running while the dishwasher is going and watch tv. Which is troubling, because we've done so just fine before. Odd combinations of stuff seem to trip it. Selene wanted to do solar panels on the roof not only to save on electric but to give us more of a buffer against the sun beating down on the roof. Because there's a good lack of insulation. I'm starting to think we are going to have to rewire the whole damn house sooner rather than later and am dreading that, especially if walls have to be torn into.

And if we get into more of the mundane problems, we spent a nice chunk of change on getting our car worked on. They were supposed to have fixed the ac in the mix of things we needed done. The front blows just fine, but the back is still blowing hot air, so they will be fixing that. And we have to take it back in, after this weekend, so they can replace the motor mounts and I forget what else they needed to do. 

Aside from dealing with all of those things. We have been to the Seattle area for vacation, albeit short and kind of packed full with places to go, it was so nice to get away. I forgot what a vacation actually felt like. Don't get me wrong, driving down to visit my family is a kind of vacation too, but it is stressful in that I'm the only viable driver out of Selene and I- we suspect she has narcolepsy but to be tested for it is so freaking expensive we can't afford it so she'll be getting no help for that anytime soon- and then there is the stress of family. I can't tell my Grandmother half of the things I do or am involved in, we don't discuss that Selene and I are married. My mother's health is worse than it has ever been, I'm certain she'd had a stroke, her episodes are so bad and she's afraid she will have one and won't wake up. My Dad is exhausted. Everyone is sure they can get some kind of help be it disability or medical help but every time my Dad does the paperwork, he makes too much on paper. I want to help, they won't really let me. Dad always has to work every time I am down there so I hardly get to spend time with him. My cousin Shi-chan is almost a shut in, her anxiety is through the roof. I don't even want to get into the drama of the rest of her family. I always leave a little more heartbroken and frustrated, defeated than when I arrived. But I still find my time with the people I love a treasure. 

As for the rest of it. We've been planning public community Sabbats with some friends, we joined a coven, are on the board and organizing Northwest Pagan Fest. Selene is still doing her Magickal Moot. I started doing my Pagans with disabilities support group again. I'm making stuff for my shop and vending every so often at public events. I will be at the Fairy Fiesta this coming weekend, Northwest Pagan Fest, and Witch's Night Out. Somehow we have managed to do some 'for the house' shopping to help us get better organized upstairs. The main level is next. Kat is working on the basement. We've watched some anime, tried some new places in town to eat at, played some D&D, and I have had a whole bunch of bad days intermixed from fibro flares, depression and anxiety, and being heat sick or exhausted. 

And I am not done. I've been looking at doing a podcast as well as a twitch channel. I thought about being a Vtuber, because it looks like a lot of fun and learning the set up to do looks fun too. Plus I really miss gaming.  The podcast is mostly just for fun, but hey, if it turns out to be even marginally successful, that's a bonus. 

AND I must be a masochist because I'm gearing up to really start writing again. I haven't been, not really. But last night I took 14 little notepad pages of notes for a short story I've wanted to turn into a book. Other stories I have let sit are flaring up again, and I'm just tired of wanting a thing and being too scared to do it. I'm sure, like with everything with me, it will be a slow crawl. But baby steps are better than no steps. 

Oh and lastly, I joined the Conqueror Challenges- The Lord of the Rings Shire one. I even ditched my old knock off fitbit for a real one. the old one wasn't actually counting my steps accurately, but the fitbit does and it is actually correctly logging my sleep- at least, it's getting the hours right. I don't know what crack my old one was on. Anyway, I am half way to Bree in the Challenge and when I get there, I will sign up for the next part of the journey. I'd probably be closer to the end if I'd had a real fitbit, but meh, it's fine, just means I will get more walking steps in. 

Well, I have written a small novel, probably riddled with grammatical and spelling errors aplenty that I won't bother editing- because I am lazy and actually trying to stay awake. I need to go to bed. 

So, see you later. 

Maybe. 

Hopefully. 

 

 

I am late!

Last week I plumb forgot about this and this week I am late in the writing and posting. Sorry about that. 

My meager offerings for this week, is this practice run with Fire Alpaca and 'new to me' tablet from a good friend. I really like the airbrush tool as it turns out and I should probably not be so in love with it. It's hard, dusting off my novice drawing skills. There's a frustration in wanting to be better, to know how to draw hair and faces, trying to figure out what my style is, hoping I can pull off Moe and Bishi manga art eventually (both are so pretty). But I will get there and it takes time and practice.

I have been working on the world building of my novel and I thought I had finished my character bios. But I was watching a Brandon Sanderson fiction writing lecture on character this week and I have a few more questions to ask myself and make notes for a couple of characters. Shouldn't take me too long and should help me in the long run of writing process. 

Still doing Taiko, although I missed last week due to a nasty fibro flare. I've been studying some of the videos the leader of the group sent me so I could practice at home. I don't know if it is helping. But I can't get too annoyed with myself, I've only been twice. 

Lastly I thought I would share a vegetarian recipe I made up for Amanda, Enchilada casserole. It;s super simple and pretty quick to make.

What you need is one large can of red or green enchilada sauce (prefer red but Amanda likes green better), six yellow or white corn tortillas, 1 small bag of mozzarella cheese, and 1 small bag of a frozen southwest medley veggies (ours has mix of corn, onions, red bell peppers, and black beans). Oh and a small baking dish. I used a glass bread loaf dish but in hind sight probably should have used something a little larger.

Preheat the oven at 350 degrees f. 

Tear the corn tortillas however big or small you prefer.

Ladle a thin layer of enchilada sauce on the bottom of the dish. Next put down the majority of the torn tortillas to make in a good layer. After that add the frozen southwest medley veggies and a light layer of mozzerella cheese. Nexxt layer the rest of the tortillas and ladle sauce over it. You might need to gently shift the dish on your counter to get the sauce to seep all the way through. Lastly, layer a thicker layer of cheese on the top and when the oven is preheated, put the dish in for 30-40 minutes. And that's it. Take it out when the cheese has melted and its warm all the way through. 

That's it. 

And that's it for me this week.   

  

Not Killing it in 2019

Ganked from Facebook.

I did not make resolutions, but I made semi-goals before the New Year holiday, of things I would like to work on. This might seem a little blase but I know and am used to things not turning out like I want or going as planned, so if not all of these things happen, or happen in the way in which I would like, I've decided to be okay with it. However, there are a few that simply must happen, and I'll start with my list. (Because I like lists, they are orderly) 

1. Learn more about and find extra and other ways of managing my mental illness. Yes, yes, I have depression and anxiety, but what I don't think I have mentioned is that my particular brand is borderline personality disorder (or I guess now people are calling it syndrome) couple with some PTSD, and severe Anxiety. I have started some research- thanks to Amanda going down a rabbit hole. Since going to therapy is now a point of stress for me (my therapist keeps pushing health insurance so she can charge me the full amount- which I get but we STILL can't afford health insurance at this time) I'm going to pay off my bill and not return. At this point the therapy isn't doing me any good, not if going makes me want to vomit in fear that she'll lecture me about getting health insurance. Instead, I want to try other things. My Dad said the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy workbook they used at the Corrections Facility for his clients is one of the better ones out there and he still has a copy and will send it to me. I mean it can't hurt. And I'm going to do some more research into it because the better I understand it, the easier it is for me to pick out what's going on and try to put the breaks on. I'm still going to cycle. I'm still going to have to take medicine. I'm still going to have really bad episodes, but if I can lessen them, even a little, I'll take it. I don't want to drown in this crap anymore. 

2. My physical health has been an issue for, well ever! I was a sick a lot as a kid. While I don't get sick as much anymore, I had PCOS (although I read that even if you have a full hysterectomy, you still have it- okay), a herniated disk in my lower back, and fibromyalgia. The fibro has been really bad lately. The fatigue part especially is kicking my ass. The minute I get comfortable, I am asleep and its getting beyond ridiculous and no, I don't have narcolepsy, yes, I get enough sleep. Worse, it's like I spend most of the day fighting sleep, trying to wake up. Also, I really don't feel like me anymore. I truly hate my body and have a disconnect with it. I know half of the weight issue is mine, I ate food, but the other half is genetics, medications that cause weight gain, and the pain from my back and fibro making me more sedentary than I want to be. I've already cut my food portions down, am drinking even more water, and have been trying to eat tiny, healthy snacks between small meals. We've also gotten a membership to Planet Fitness and are starting Taiko Drumming.  I have to get away from being so angry with my body for betraying me and not working right. I have to get away from wanting to punish it with my fists when things get really bad. I have to get away from wanting to take matters into my own hands and deal with it all myself. None of that is healthy. Not of this is my fault, but it is up to me to fix it.

3. I NEED to write at least the first draft of a novel this year. I can't let people make me feel bad about it either, tell me I am obsessed, that I need to find balance between writing and everything else, or whatever! Hearing offhanded or on handed comments like that has done nothing but make me question if I should even keep writing, made me feel like a shitty friend and wife, and I'm done. Sorry, can't cater other people as much I used to. Last year was depression and grief year, this year is take care of me year and everyone else can suck it. Sure, I'll still come out and play, there's a lot I want to do, but I'm not going to take anyone's shit for having my joy. If they don't want to hear about it, fine, but I'm not going to let them continue to drag me down for one of the few things that bring me real happiness and then bitch at me for not utilizing my talents. 

4. 20 books read in a year. That's going to happen again. Last year I barely got through one book and it was almost painful. I didn't even really finish it and I'm not entirely sure where it is. The story was good, I just couldn't seem to get through it. So, I started with a book my friend Chris gave me. It was a rocky start and I've put it down in favor of doing other things for a couple of days, but I'm hoping to finish it soon and move on to others. 

5. The Great Purge! I've heard of Marie Kondo's KonMari method and have even watched a couple of episodes of her show on Netflix. She is an adorable Japanese woman and I like her ideas, but not all of that is going to work. Still, being or showing gratitude to the things you've used or that have served you is really beautiful, in my opinion, and I am so ready to downsize. We have already gone through our clothing and are thinking of going through it again. We have stuff out in the garage and stuff in the house to go through and I'm ready to be done with a good portion of it. Let it go make someone else happy. And no, books are not on this list. There might be a few I will part with, but I am keeping most of them.   

6. Do stuff I want to do. I tend to wait around to see what Amanda wants to do, or I change or discard what I want to fit the wants and needs of Amanda and friends. That's okay, just not all the time. So, I'm going to do more stuff I like and want to do, within reason of course. Good thing my wants are simple and few, and I don't mind waiting if I need to.  

7. Working on my spiritual path and growth. Not gonna get into that much here. There are some things that are still bothering me and while I working on figuring out what to do with them and or come to terms with them, I'm going to press forward and spend time learning and exploring, and maybe along the way, the stuff that's bothering me will resolve. 

So far we're fifteen days into January and I'm getting a very slow start. I spent the beginning of the month recovering from the holidays. But I did manage to get some things not mentioned started and organized. We are slowly getting the house back in order and will be continuing our purge. I've started reading, as I said, and Amanda and I are reading a nightly gratitude's book. The writing is slow going. I am still doing a written RP with cousin Kat and recently I found all my flash drives. I've already gone through my computer and one of the flash drives to find what I need for the novel I want to work on and finish. I would like to finish up the world preliminary word building and character bios, and have some ideas of where I would like to head with the story and get at least one page written by the end of the week. That's not a lot, but it is a start. 

We have started going to Planet fitness and Taiko drumming as well. I have to take a time out to recover from the activities after, but whatever. And I have managed to a thing or two that I have wanted.     

Update: Why I haven't been blogging much, if at all this year, and some review.

This year has been one of change, grief, suffocation, adjustment and recuperation, and pain with little moments of quiet and dots of happiness. A lot has happened and I've wanted to share or blog about many things, even saved the pictures from, but I couldn't and barely managed the few posts I did. I'm going to try and break it down in smaller sections so I'm not all over the place. 

House: We came into the year, thankfully, with a home of our own. Being evicted from our apartment when we hadn't done anything wrong and the way in which it was was done, really messed me up. We were blessed enough to have been approved for a home loan and a couple months of couch surfing later, find our house. Since moving in, we've had little hiccups with the house itself. We had to get a new stove, we have only one bathroom, I've had trouble establishing boundaries, and the summer was especially hard since we were living in the living room. We don't have central air conditioning or a unit for our room yet.  Some friends offered to get us one to help me keep my sanity, but feeling so low I just couldn't take them up on it. It also didn't feel right for them to fix problems we needed to fix on our own. Recently, now that it is much cooler and winter, we have moved back into our bedroom upstairs and have finally gotten the house just about in order. We've begun the downsizing we hadn't been able to do before moving in. 

Family: I've been struggling with forgiving my parents. I think I have forgiven and understand all the reasons why they didn't come to my wedding, but the fact of the matter is, what they did hurt me in such a way I don't know if I will ever truly heal from. Sometimes I am furious, sometimes I can't fathom why what they did hurts so much, or how to even explain it to friends. But how do you explain growing up idolizing your parents and grandparents no matter what? How do you impart that your parents were and still are two of your best friends? Or even that your Grandparents are too? Or that family means more to you than you can explain?

Then of course, my Grandpa died during the summer and I go up and down with that all the time and will for awhile. 

My Aunt Laura, my mom's twin, is- hell I don't know what she is trying to do, but she's taking us all on an up and down ride. 

My cousin Tony found my Mom's lost older sister, Debra. That was exciting and she is so nice and sane. But her husband has cancer and so does she, which is upsetting. 

I did get to reconnect with my cousin Crystal this year, which has been good. My cousin Dashiel is still a shit head.

Friends: My in-person friends have kind of let me down and frustrated me a lot this year. Some have made me feel pretty awful. I'm sure I've done the same. I kind of became even more of a hermit this year, but some of that is health related. In the last few months, I've kind of reached a soft breaking point and had a bit too much. I've had to be much firmer than I would have liked with some friends and told one that the way she was treating me was not okay. And, it has become vividly clear that I simply do not think in the same manner as everyone else. Twice, when things have been so utterly horrible, I've let people know I was drowning in my depression and that I didn't know what to do. 

1. It is extremely difficult for me to put that out there and if I am telling someone that, it is because I'm in so deep I don't know if I am going to be able to climb out on my own. That is a call for help. It is not that I am too proud to ask for help. It is that I've spent years believing that I didn't deserve it and had to fix things on my own. 

2. Telling me you love me and you're there if I need you, tell you what I need, doesn't actually help. It was a struggle for me to tell you how bad its gotten, chances are I can't put into words or even know what I need, other than for someone to keep me talking or come sit with me. And this is where I think I think differently, because if one of my friends told me they were in this position, I wouldn't have to ask them what they needed, I would talk to them or go to them. But, that's just me. 

3. The last thing I need is the brush off or a lecture about everything I am doing wrong or to be told what you think I should be doing, especially when you won't do these things for yourself. 

Body/health: At the end of the day, I find myself sometimes quoting Leto Atreties II from the movie Children of Dune, "my skin is not my own". Of course I'm not about to turn into some giant sand worm that produces the spice the universe runs on, but the feeling of feeling like my body belongs to me or feels like its right, is the same concept. In fact, I feel like mine has betrayed me in major ways. I described to my therapist that it feel like I'm stuck or trapped in something I can't tear off. It feels like I'm under or surrounded by something foreign and if I could get rid of it, things would feel more like me. I know part of that is the weight. Which has been a struggle in and of itself. The rest is depression, fibro, the hysterectomy, and my back. As much as I desperately needed that hysterectomy and was begging to have it done, that was still a big part of me and suddenly I don't quite feel right any more. I don't feel so much like a girl and I actually really wanted kids of my own, even though I knew I couldn't. Having that finalized, IS VERY hard. I feel like I somehow failed even though no one blames me. And I go up and down with that too. And in the last year the fibro and my back have gotten worse, which doesn't help. And my level of energy has dropped dramatically. Some days I truly struggle to get even the simplest things accomplished.   

Therapist: I really like my therapist and I think she is a good fit for me, but she's kind of screwed me over a couple of ways. First was with the insurance. I could have had health insurance this whole year had she told me she was going to stop taking what I had and that I should find another insurance provider. True the company I had seemed to be doing some shady things. So I switched, but in doing so, we had to update some financial information and that made it so instead of free insurance, we had to come up with deductable and copays and pay for insurance every month. Which wouldn't be a big deal except that we don't have that money and were trying to figure out how to pay her bill since I had lost the free insurance. She put me on a sliding fee scale based on Amanda's income, which helped. But we had already been behind and have yet to catch up because she didn't charge me a couple of visits like she was supposed to and we didn't catch it. To make matters worse, she's been fussing at me to get health insurance just about every time I see her. What part of we can't afford it, do you not understand?! And the best part of this is, she's now going to take the insurance I was originally on! I could strangle her.
On the matter of health insurance itself, I am hoping that after a month or two, Amanda and I will be caught up on everything and can wipe some things out. I am hoping then, we can readdress the health insurance issue for the both of us. If not, that's just how it is. We are in the weird middle ground of just enough income to not qualify for free health insurance but not enough to actually afford it. But, no matter what, I know that things will work out some how- or at least enough to keep up on the most important medicines we need. Certainly dropping therapy and getting her paid off would free up more of our income for other medical needs.

The second part, is on the topic of my writing. I know she is a therapist, but I don't think she understands the writing process. She's said some things about it that made me feel like I shouldn't write. That I was spending too much time writing (which, for me is actually kind of limited since I can only sit at my desk for so long before my back starts cramping and seizing up and I have to go do something else for a while). She worried that I was escaping too much instead of being present in the real world. I can go through phases where I am a workaholic and need to see the end of something like a chapter or section of story- but that's not limited to writing, that goes for house cleaning or cooking, or craft stuff. I have used writing as a way to cope with things that are too painful in the 'real world' before. Its how I made through high school and the few years I lived at home before I moved out. I can also get a bit involved and obsessive and I know that not everyone gets it or wants to hear about what is thrilling or exciting to me or wants to be a sounding board. I recognize and understand these things and can usually catch myself in the process of them and back up. But the way in which she's addressed them made me feel so guilty and like there was something wrong with me, that I couldn't actually stay on the momentum I had last year when I rewrote and finished the novel length fanficion I had been working on. So the triumph and self proof that I could do this was so utterly dashed and stamped out that I was afraid to try. And with friends fussing about me being a little over excited or obsessive and talking about me needing to find balance between this and that, I was really scared.

It finally came to head the other night, when after months of agonizing over all this I was finally able to put it into words to Amanda. Thank the Gods she is a writer and actually understands. I am truly blessed to have her, because despite submitting two pieces of writing this year, I hadn't written anything other than fanfic and rps. But after finally being able to get all of that out and talking to her about it, I actually feel like it is okay to be this part of me again. And I don't know when or where or why there's this part of me that needs permission to do things sometimes, if it is part of my trying to please people or be considerate of what other people feel and think, what they want- or really when I started being so accommodating, or if its part of a lack of self esteem, guilt for paying more attention to what makes me happy instead of what makes other people happy, or even a combination of all of the above. All I do know is that I have enough trouble fighting with fibro fog, fibro pain, exhaustion, and back pain, and lack of confidence, that I don't need anything else piled on. Further if my therapist and my friends can't accept or put up with my excitement and joy and be supportive, then maybe its not me, it's them who are in the wrong and maybe they don't get the privilege of taking that ride with me or celebrating any accomplishments with me along the way. Thanks for making me feel less than or crazier than I already do.

Finally: I really have been just exhausted. I've been too tired to keep up with much of anything and have had to tell Amanda that the rate of comapny- the one that come all the time- needs to slow the hell down because I never get a weekend along with her when she is off work, and I almost never see the people who don't constantly ask or just show up with little or no notice. Her parents are taxing and with all my stuff going on on top it, I'm crankier, have less patience, and just can't. Which of course affects her in that she wants to go out and do things but I don't have the energy. In fact if I even settle down on the sofa 9 times out of 10, I fall asleep within five minutes of sitting down and faster if I have to the heating pad for my back. I feel as though I am running on borrowed fumes most of the time. It both frustrates me and makes me cry. I'm only 34. If  things are this bad now, whats it going to be like when I'm 40 or 50?

So there you have it. Some of it is broken record but I've said it many times, this is my venting ground. People don't just get over things and move on. It takes time to process things properly and when dealing with grief or loss, it can take even longer- especially if you stuff shit.      

  

So much and I think I am back

Takashi Shirogane Art by Clandestineknight

I'm back, I think, I hope. I've had a major spell of depression, bad enough that Amanda was talking about taking me to the hospital. I've stuffed enough crap for so long that I couldn't stuff any more and my lid popped. Without going into  too much detail, a lot of the stuff dragging me down was grief, loss, health, living situation, spiritual situation, friend and family situations, so, yeah everything really, but those primarily. Summer was miserable, in a word. 

But its fall now and I'm looking forward to the season. 

While we didn't do too much for the summer, we did go to Kuro Neko Con- which will be a post on its own and we had a visitor from Boston, again, another post on it's own. I didn't craft much and really only have one project to show. However, today, Amanda and I are working on the living room since she had the day off. We were going to try and finally do paint touch ups and paint and install the chair railing but we just don't feel up to it and it can wait another week or so. 

Oh we are missing a sofa. Our sofa was damaged during our move and we dealt with it a long time before the company finally came to pick it up for repair. But I am very ready for it to come home. My office chair is okay, but sometimes my back needs a break. 

I am writing again, everyday. I started work on a novel but got horribly discouraged. So, I've been doing some written rps with Amanda and her cousin Kat. I also started a fanfiction for Voltron. Its been fun but I am feeling a little more confident and am ready to get back to the novel. Also, my Aunt Debra wants a story to read when she's moved into her new house, so I'm going to find something I've already written, that's short, to send her. I don't have tons of time to work on something new aside from the novel, not with the rps, the fanfic, working on the house, and also...

I am helping some friends with their bakery! I'm making cakepops two to three times a week to help with a big order they have that's due soon. It's been a lot of fun and one of the girls is trying to get me hired on. It's just a tricky situation because they can't pay themselves yet. But one of them is like 'if we have you, we can take more orders and make more money'. Whatever happens, happens. Either way, I am enjoying my time there and when I need to get up and move, I can. When I get overwhelmed or panicky, I can take a break, so it is working out.   

Voltron, EMDR, and Writing

Voltron: Legendary Defender

Firstly, I'm feeling a little bit better. Time helps ease a lot of things, not all, but some. And so, I felt up to another attempt of returning to the blogosphere. 

Amanda and I have been watching a show on Netflix called Voltron: Legendary Defender. I'm not the biggest fan of robot cartoons and anime, but Amanda's cousin Kat recommended it when it first began airing and we were hooked. Immediately, I fell for Takashi Shirogane or Shiro, he's the leader and Paladin of the Black Lion. Amanda adored Keith and Lance. to be honest, we love all five Paladins, they are diverse and wonderful. But more than that, we enjoyed that the writers of the show have done something amazing. Pidge, who pretended to be a boy to get info on her lost family, and then comes out to the team as a girl (most of them already knew and didn't care), is never referred to as male or female in the show before or after that. She's just Pidge.  The show also shows Shiro dealing- or not really dealing- with some PTSD, some racism. More recently, the writers confirmed one of the characters is, in fact, gay, and was planning to get married prior to a long mission and that he also has some kind of invisible illness that would eventually ruin his career as a pilot. But even though at least one character has to know for sure about his orientation, its never a big deal. It;s so fucking refreshing and when I learned that this character is, in fact, gay, I just about cried. And apparently said character's voice actor knew about since season 2. It's wonderful representation. Plus the show is just damn good! I love the fight scenes for Voltron and the Paladins. The music adds that fun scifi flavor, and voice actors are all very talented and fun people! 

Last night, while Amanda was apply for another job on my computer (because I have MSword and she doesn't) I borrowed her tablet computer and drew Shiro. It was a quick draw and from memory. I'm not a very good artist, but that's not too terrible. Maybe I will do something more concentrated later. 

Also on the Voltron front, I am writing an RP with cousin Kat. She's writing for Keith and Shiro and I'm writing for all my characters. It has been a lot of fun and helped me cope with a lot of what's going on- most certainly a welcome distraction. 

EMDR therapy. My therapist decided in conjunction of CBT and DBT, we're going to try EMDR. She said its going to be rough and hard, but she thinks it will help. So far its made me a bit more emotional, but that's to be expected. I'm confronting the crap thats been 'traumatic' and trying to desensitize it so it doesn't affect me so terribly. The trouble is recognizing and admitting those thing as trauma- which is very difficult for me to do. And we've been talking about a lot different things, like my talent for stuffing and avoiding some issues in my life. 

The topic of writing came up one session. It's what I love. Its a challenge and is as fun as it is frustrating. Mostly writing, when I am able to focus, makes me happy. Often times I get bogged down by life stuff, social events, the fact that we have a constant stream of company in one shape or another, fibro and back pain, to shut enough life off to do what I need to get my ass in gear to write. About half of that is my own doing and half of that is out of my control. However, when I am hurting the most, I find that I retreat into writing. A friend said I get obsessive. Amanda mentioned once that I needed to find balance and another friend agreed. My therapist worried that I used writing to avoid life. All of that made me upset. In my head I thought, people say they want me to be happy, but they want to complain about the thing that makes me happy and keeps me sane, I don't get it. And how does anyone think books come to be unless there's a writer out there who obsessed a little over their work? Also, I need as much encouragement and assurance right now and this has all been the opposite of that. 

Amanda and I talked about it again and I told her how I felt. I mentioned that its not like I'm writing 24/7. I need breaks to recharge my brain. I need sleep. I need food, to move around, to clean and do other stuff. I'm not hurting anyone or bothering anybody, except to maybe prattle on about a story or something, but who cares as long as I am happier? Why would anyone want to diminish that. It is confusing. That people have issue with it, even a little bit, harkens back to the idea that my only value can be found in what I can do for other people and that by not doing what other people want or think I should be doing, I am somehow wrong, in trouble, and need to put everything I want/need/love aside for everyone else's wants/needs. Which really isn't fair to me. So, I'm trying to not let it bother me anymore. I won't get what I want if I keep letting other people dictate how things should be.  

 

Revamping the goals, new cell phone, and I did some scary shit!

I've been perusing Pinterest for craft ideas, d.i.y. projects, and art I'd like to get for the house. This is one of those "oooo, pretty, maybe, yes?" pieces that I've been ogling and strangely enough it kind of fits with something we talked about in class: shielding. Those who are familiar with chakras will see the color and probably get where my head went in regards to correlation. But enough about that and on to the rest. 

I finally have a new cell phone! I told my Dad to take me off the family plan and then told him about the deal Metro PCS is running. I'd really wanted to stay with T-mobile, I've been with them since high school but they just cost too much. Amanda had been grandfathered in on a cheaper plan from when she started 10 years ago, and adding me would have taken her out of that and jacked up her rate over double. However, Metro had a get 2 phones and two line plan with a data cap for 60 dollars. They did have the same deal with unlimited data for 80 dollars, but we don't use that much data. I mean, on my Dad's family plan that had him, my mom, and me, we never even touched the 2 gig mark. So, yeah, new phone, new number, decent rate, and I can actually use apps on it! Speaking of which, I had to remove the 'planetary times' app (I was curious how that all worked) when it went off and scared the crap out of me. 

I've had to revamp my goals list. There is an assignment for school in which I need to make 12 goals, 1 for each astrological sign, and plant seeds to watch them grow. I didn't have 12 goals and more importantly they didn't all fit into the type of goals for each sign. Redoing them was relatively easy but I am going to have to find another avenue of 'planting' them. I know the idea is to watch them grow/develop throughout the year, but anything I plant will have to be started inside and well, I have three determined and crafty cats in the house who like to get into things. The watching them part will just have to be through my own observations, which I think I can handle. When I get done with my "planting" part, I'll probably post the new goals as another form of "planting" which I like to think is also accountability. 

So, I did some scary shit recently. We are apparently supposed to lead at least one devotional before we can progress to the next grade level. I had been thinking about possibly volunteering, but I had been under them impression that it was only an upper classmen sort of role until the devo lead popped into one of my classes and was looking for volunteers. Well, I was 'interviewed' and approved, added to the devo lead list, given all the scripts to practice, and shown how to do all the technical stuff. No one is leading tomorrow morning... or rather they weren't and now I am. And I signed up for all the Wednesdays beginning in late March. I don't know if I am going to do any in the evening or not, I kind of want evenings with Amanda as much as possible since before I started school, I'd already felt like I didn't get enough face to face time with her.  We will see. As of right now, I'm hoping I don't over sleep. I hope I get enough sleep and I hope I don't mess up. Those who show up for morning devotional will hear me though the computer, its kind of scary.  

Following that, I also sent off an e-mail tonight to someone who handles I guess the editing and writing stuff for the pagan online magazine. Scholarship students can apparently do their service hours doing stuff in that regard. But, even if I don't get approved for any of that, I at least want to see if I can submit some pagan geared short stories and or poems. That in and of itself is stepping out of my comfort zone. 

Okay, the cats are fussing that its way passed bedtime and I need to get Miss Snorealax to bed. Amanda is sleeping on the guest bed here in the office, waiting for me to finish up for the night.

Finally! Conflicted. Where I have been lately.

It doesn't seem like a whole hell of a lot has been going on lately and yet... 

First, my bank really dropped the ball. Not only did they lie about when the document they were supposed to be sending out would arrive, but now they seem to be ending free checking. That's fine, I was closing with them anyway. 

Second, the housing authority came through for us, voided the other check, and cut us a new one. So, we've gotten our friend Rachel paid back and mostly paid back Amanda's parents. We still owe them a little, but it will be taken care of shortly.  

Third, the housing inspection went well, the owners are going to fix basically everything, and the loan officer has already made arrangements for an appraiser to head out and look at the house. So far it looks like every thing is on schedule. However, December 13th, our closing date, can't seem to come soon enough. My plan is to get the painting done right away, let it dry, then move in. This is so we don't have to deal with the cats and paint. That's if every thing works out and we get the house. I am a little worried, the universe has thrown me some heavy slaps lately, so I am cautious. 

Speaking of, my panic attacks have gotten a little worse. I had one the other day that lasted half a hour. Amanda wanted to take me to the hospital. I am really getting sick of this. 

To keep my mind off things, I have been binge watching stuff on netflix. Total avoidance, I know, but it's what I can do right now. Between Voltron, Grey's Anatomy, and trouble getting to sleep at night, I managed to cook up a Voltron fanfic and I'm not too happy about it. Well, no, a fanfic is fine, but I want to focus on writing novels not fanfic, and I didn't want to start anything until after I was moved into a house. I tend to get obsessive about writing and don't like interruptions or distractions when I get going, and sometimes get a little cranky. And while there is a little privacy in two of the places we are bouncing between, there isn't really any place comfortable for me to set up- comfort as in my desk chair. However, it seems that no matter how resistant I am to writing this fanfic, it is that much more determined to make me write it. So, after much hemming and hawing, I finally broke down and wrote up a character bio for an OC, did a little research, and today I am going to start it. As Amanda keeps reminding me "all writing is practice". Yeah, I know that, but I'm not going to make a career out of fanfic. It is just frustrating. 

Aside from that, I've had some pretty awful dreams lately, two of which involved my mother either being seriously hurt or her dying. Another was an unsettling dream to begin with but only grew worse when I saw Amanda at a bus depot and the relief and safety I had in seeing her was ripped away when she came up to me and introduced me to a woman she was replacing me with. As if that wasn't bad enough, she said she was going to keep me to be the companion animal to this new wife and that I was going to be their cook and maid. Dream Amanda is a hoochie-mama-heffer-head-bitch! 

Well, that's about it for now. I'm rather tired, didn't sleep well last night, so I might take a small power nap. I'll catch up on blog reading a little later. 

Frustration over Fiction, something different, and aches

There is a definite need to break away from the crap going on in my life. This morning I woke up feeling so awful. Aside from this being a fibromyalgia flare up day, my body hurts on top of that due to having to have my legs propped up for most of yesterday. They were terribly swollen again. My head hurt, even my eyelids and eyes hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I feel this bad at 33, what the hell is 43 or even 53 going to be like and that just opens to the door for my depression monster to come for  visit. I've had enough of that bitch. 

So despite feeling terrible, I drug myself out of bed, got dressed, and stepped outside for a smoke- because I'm apparently still doing that- for the time being. The landscape guys are out mowing the lawn, a thing I detest because I am allergic to pretty much all grasses, and generally tend to itch even with my allergy meds. Thankfully they had already been out front and were mowing elsewhere. As I leaned against the metal carport column, I relaxed and actually smiled. I'm not a big fan of bright sunshine as I have light sensitivity, but it is a fucking gorgeous day out. The air is crisp, has that early morning dewy scent. The birds are out, excitedly chirping and flitting about for the insects stirred from the lawnmower. I think we might have a hawk's nest in the tall evergreen that sits at the apartment complex entrance. I've seen it flying and watching, hunting near there and coming in and out of the green branches. The chill in the air was a bit invigorating and woke my sluggish brain up a little more. It reminded me of how much I would like a porch swing in my someday backyard. I want to curl up in the shade, slowly rocking, with my eyes closed and just be. I used to lay on my Great Grandma Ireland's porch swing with my head in her lap. She'd chat with my Grandma or sing me songs or tell me stories and we'd slowly rock back and forth. Those were probably some of the few times anyone could ever get me to sit still as a child.

But, moving on.  

It's getting to be that time of year again- National Novel Writer's Month, which thankfully is in November. A couple of my friends are already signed up and gearing to begin the adventure of 30 days of word vomiting 50,000 words to make a novel. That sounds gross, but when you're writing a first draft of something on a time limit, you're pretty much letting your fingers fly over the keys with the intent to just expel the ideas, story, build the world, and characters in such a manner as to get it out, then pick up the good stuff and shed the crap later. The experience can be frustrating, exciting, and surprising in a somewhat self satisfying way. Or you can look at your draft at the end and groan and wonder just what the hell you were thinking. Still, after 30 days, you will have written more or less than 50,000 words and that is an accomplishment all on its own. 

This year I'm not sure if I will be participating. There is a part of me that says, "no, it might actually be too much". But the other part says "go for it and actually push this shit out". I've "won" NaNoWriMo several times in that I've completed 50,000 words in a month or less. However, nothing I have done within that time frame has ever been finished. Which is a problem for someone who would love to realize her dream of being a full time published author. 

I told the few friends in my immediate vicinity that I would like to try to do this, to finish something, this year. They are supportive and those that are participating in NaNoWriMo think I should join them in the month long endeavor and we've discussed having write-ins together. A write in generally consists of snacks, coffee and tea, light chatting to bounce ideas off each other, and most importantly writing. Sometimes the writing doesn't happen, but that's okay too. However, with not knowing if I will have to move, trying to knock out 50,000 words might be a problem. So, I told my friends that if I have to move, I can't do it this year. If I don't have to move then I am 100% game. 

But there is another problem. I have several novels to write. There are a couple that I have been working on for years, ones that I have rewritten or restarted because my writing has changed and evolved and I am not satisfied with the story. So, I'm not sure what to write. Which do I pick? 

I confess there is some fear in choosing. What if I fuck it up? What if the characters aren't believable? What if I need to buy commas and can't get away from a certain tense? Dangling modifiers love me. What if when Amanda reads it or I read it to her, she says "that's good, but where's your plot"? Stupid confidence crushing fears. I need to just pick one and go, get it out, and then pick up the pieces after. 

I think to help me pick, to help me decide, I'll spend some time with the things that inspire me. Anime, movies, other novels, music, and even art, all these things help ignite and foster ideas through my emotional connection and reaction to them. The piece above is one such source. I love it, I want t add that sense of betrayal into one of my stories and I already know how it will happen. The scene is already formed its the getting there that's holding me back. 

I could go on, but I'm starting fall asleep. A short nap is in order, I think.

The Muslim Woman Teacher, the jealous girlfriend, sad news, and "I can't even".

I recently learned that the band H.I.M. is on their farewell tour. I know all good things come to an end, but I really liked them and while I haven't been to concerts in a a few years, I would have gone to see them if they came close to where I live. That's my sad news. I mean really, it could be a lot worse. 

I've either fallen asleep watching TV or planned to sleep on the sofa for the last couple of nights. Amanda and I have both been tired and so much so that we're too tried to go in and change the bed sheets by the end of the day. We've been too tired to do a lot and have pushed through anyway. Last week was a bit rough for both of us. Cousin Kat came and left over the weekend and then I had several days where I was in a lot of pain, foggy brained, and or really depressed. All of that is exhausting and instead of trying to fight it all and wear myself out more, I said 'fuck it' and decided to play Guild Wars 2. That was good, although frustrating because a lot of stuff is different and I'm not sure I was following things clearly. 

Anyway back to the T.V. NHK does some documentaries called Inside Lens. This week its about a Muslim woman in Indonesia who runs a religious boarding school. She teaches, runs it, and gives talks about how men should treat women better, equality, and how without strong women and mothers, we wouldn't have strong nations. She is AMAZING! She didn't used to run the school, it was her husbands school but he passed away and for awhile she was a little lost. But she is very religious and prayed and found her answer to be that she would keep the school running on her own, that the only man she needed was God. Here is the link for the documentary: https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/tv/lens/

I decided to do a written role play with cousin Kat. She's had a lot of hell recently and I wanted to give her a little something to look forward too, in my own way, that I knew I could do. There's not a whole lot I feel that I can do lately, so this at least gets me doing something constructive. Anyway, I've wanted to write a Kitsune story. I started a book years ago but never got very far with it. So, I decided to have a Kitsune character once again and see what I could come up with this time. I gave him a horrible back story and then wrote the opening post. When I read it to Amanda, she was a little and cutely jealous. She wants to play with Noritoki and really liked my opening. She even thought it would make a good novel on its own. 

Speaking of Amanda, we've both had a crummy last couple of weeks. The good stuff has been getting to see Cousin Kat, seeing a couple of friends, and the new episodes of My Little Pony on Netflix. Amanda was so depressed last night that she wanted to finish out the episodes, except that kind of backfired. The last episode was about Applejack's parents- who while the show has never said it, that I can remember, aren't living. The apple family siblings learned about their parents beginning relationship and how they came to be married. But both Amanda and I were really upset because while we know their parents are gone, we don't know the why or the how and ugh! So I suggested we watch some of season 2 of Kamisama Kiss because that's fun and cute and it has a pissy Kitsune named Tomoe who is freaking awesome, gorgeous, and I just love him. I also really like the anime because it make me laugh. There was an instance last night where one of the characters (we are watching the american dub- I like both thank you-) says "I can't even" and while a lot of people use that phrase, I've even used that phrase, it was so unexpected in an anime that it struck my funny bone just right. I'm still giggling over it. 

But that's the mostly happy stuff. We've got more car issues than we bargained for, as in it didn't pass the emissions test so we couldn't buy car tags and won't be able to until we can afford to get it worked on and then of it has to pass or we will have had to do 150 dollars worth of work on it to try to get it to pass before we can buy car tags. Amanda got me some bus passes for when I need to go somewhere and a friend is taking me to an appointment this afternoon. Aside from that, it's just pain, depression, panic attacks, and wedding stress.  

Mild productivity, invitations, wedding stuff, and written role play

As Amanda's and my wedding day looms closer and closer, we're starting to feel the pressure. We've both had a couple of nightmares about things not being done. I still have sewing to do, some addresses to gather so we can finish sending out invitations, and quite a few things left to make. While we'd like to invite everyone we love and adore, because of lack of space to for people to stay and the fact that we are trying to pull this off on a sorely tiny budget (Amanda's income), we have to keep the guest list very small. However, a friend mentioned recording the event, so if that does happen, I will be able to share that video so people who can't attend can still see it. 

Budget and keeping the guest list small aside, we've run into a few minor issues. The first being that we've had a hell of a time finding a cake topper. Being in same sex relationship, we wanted two female figures and we wanted it to be along the Gothic/Fantasy theme. We toyed with getting D&D figures to paint. We tossed around some idea for making them ourselves. And then we stumbled on "Sisters", a figure cast from the picture above, from Selena French. We both really like her art and while purple isn't one of our colors, it is pale enough and runs along our theme enough, that we decided this was our best option. We aren't sisters, obviously, but it doesn't matter. It is two females and we fell in love with it pretty instantly. 

The second was figuring out a guest book. I wanted something unique that we could display. A vlogger I follow on Youtube used a globe of the world. I wanted something that would tie into out theme, and decided why not a skull. Amanda was keen on the idea and so we waited until the Halloween decor came out to begin our search. We found a black polyresin at Michaels and bought silver sharpies for people to sign it with. 

I really wanted to make the invitations myself to keep costs down. But there I ran into another problem. Amanda and I couldn't agree on some mock ups I made on the computer. She wanted something 3-D. So we played with some ideas and finally agreed on one. Unfortunately I don't have one to show at the moment, they are all sealed up. However, I did hand deliver a couple to some very close friends so I will try to get a picture of one of theirs next time I am at their house. I, of course, sent one to my parents, mostly to see if my handmade black envelopes with silver shaprie lettering would go through the mail. It did, so that's a relief.  I've finished making the invites today and am waiting on a couple addresses. As soon as we get more stamps, they will be in the mail.
 We still have much to do, but things are beginning to come together, and while I am having kind of crap day, I'm being mildly productive, so that is something. 

My depression monster is being a rife bitch. I think it's mostly the pain talking today, but I'm also dealing with a lack of self esteem, and some guilt (Amanda says my guilt is as if I'm a Catholic school girl with a Jewish mother. Seriously, I apologize for nearly everything). I was outside earlier this morning, frustrated over physical pain, something I said last night, frustrated that I was frustrated, and half a dozen other things, when the thought "I must have been a real bastard" in a past life hit me. This is not an uncommon thought. Since I seem to keep having this though, I tried to turn it on itself and figure out what lessons I'm being taught by the situations I've had and issues I am facing/dealing with. Humility? I think I'm pretty humble all ready. I thought about a couple of other things that kind of took a negative turn, so I left it for another time. The point was to turn it into a positive. 

I think I have mentioned that Amanda is doing a written role play with me. She's trying to get back into writing and I'm trying to keep writing. It has been a really long time since we have done one together and we missed it, I think. We are keeping it light, semi-fluffy, and keeping it 'no pressure'. We post when we can and want to post, which is really helpful. So far it's been pretty fun. My character is an epileptic, very particular, semi-ocd, introverted college senior and nerd. Her's is a dashing, young, college literary instructor with sad and wounded past. So far so good, we are both really enjoying where the story is going.        

Territory, Warm Mochi, and Shit!

Don't fuck with my friends!

Mostly people, if they are paying attention, can pick up that I am territorial. I'm territorial of my space, sometimes my time, and most certainly of my family and loved ones. I can be territorial of my friends too, but mostly, I'm super protective and that's not something I share often, because as Fiona remarked once, I can get really intense. Of course, I don't think Fiona has ever had someone get really fucking angry over how certain people in her life treat her. 

So, while I have been helping Rachel with her kettle corn stand at the farmer's markets, I've done a lot of people watching. People are so fucking snooty and rude. Yesterday some woman gave Rachel a dirty look and she said something to me about it. I was in the middle of eating my lunch of mushroom, carrots, the apple cinnamon oatmeal cup thing I made, and one Mochi. Mochi is a Japanese sweet treat made of rice flower and sweet red bead curd in the middle. Since it was warm out, so too was the Mochi. Anyway, I asked Rachel if she wanted me to go throw my Mochi at the woman. I told her I couldn't guarantee that I'd actually hit her, but I'd give it my best shot. She thought that was funny. But I was hot, tired, aching, and had run through most of my "nice, pleasant, polite, sweetness" that I generally endeavor to operate on. Point of fact, put me out in summer heat, in mostly direct, bright sunlight, lots of noise, screaming/ whining children, and barking dogs, then add rude people into that, and I start getting cranky. Mostly it's the heat and sunlight. I hate being hot and I have a sensitivity to light plus the stupid sun allergy and no that's not me simply being Goth and Vampire centric. That's me being cranky and pissed that someone was giving my friend a dirty look.

I had another moment of that today while I was covering another farmer's market for Rachel. She had something she had to do today so she prepopped or me last night and dropped me and the stuff off today. Well, an old man was bitching and actually said he was going to have to get after Rachel for there being burnt kernels of kettle corn in every bag he picked up. Okay, no. The kernels weren't burnt. They were barely brown and if he really had a problem with it, I would have happily handed his money back to him. It wasn't really what he said, it was how he said it. But since this is Rachel's business, I plastered a smile on my face and mentally punched him. 

As the afternoon wore on, I ended up taking out the notebook in my purse and started working on scenarios in which I worked the snoots into a story idea in which they met a grisly end or unfavorable fate. It was a great way to vent my frustration and pass the time. The market was slow. Really slow. Slow enough that I was able to read 30 pages in novel, people watch, and write short bits.

The really shit parts of my day consisted of listening to my Dad vent about my Mom and knowing exactly how he feels and at the same time knowing that on some level my Mom can't help some of it. Still, when you are there, dealing with it, it gets very overwhelming.  Then I got a letter in the mail about my student loans informing me that I have to pay a portion or all of the interest by July 31st and I just got them deffered because I can't pay them at the moment. I haven't had a chance to read the letter in detail, I just skimmed through it. And I got a big packet from them too, which makes me nervous. I am still having pains in my stomach around the surgery incisions. Surely I should be completely healed up in that department by now.

On a happier note I got to cuddle with Thorin for quite a while this morning. He was by the door when I got home too.  Tomorrow I am going to do some stuff for me while I recuperate from the last two days. I was thinking about setting up on the sofa to watch anime and cuddle with the cats. I thought about keeping the curtains closed and turning the air conditioner down to about 65 so I could curl up with a soft blanket and pillows too. I have Green Tea ice cream and Sangria sorbet for treats if I want something sweet. Oh and I made bread the other night, so I can make grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch! 

A book to bitch about and the reviews I cannot understand but somehow give me hope in an uncomfortable sort of way.

I just finished reading the above pictured book, Princess Dracula by John Patrick Kennedy... 

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised, I knew going into this that it was 1. a self published novel and 2. probably not going to be the best writing. Still there were some good ratings, anyone that knows me knows I like vampire movies and books, and I've been wanting to read some self published work because there are decent authors self publishing all the time. Oh and I liked the synopsis of the story. 

Well within the first 3 pages of the book I found the first of many typos. I thought, okay, no big deal even the best editor miss a few in the mainstream publishing houses. But it wasn't just typos, the actual writing wasn't very good. Still, I have a policy to stick with a book for at least 50 pages because you never know, it might just be a rocky start and then it will pick up. 

At page 70 I felt like the best of the novel had already happened in the beginning and it was a struggle to keep reading. Amanda had picked it up- because I left it in the bathroom- and skimmed through it and didn't seem all that impressed. So, I just decided to skim through. I wasn't really missing much as it turned out. Honestly, I was glad to be done with it so I could move on to something else. 

I posted a review and gave a 1 star rating on Goodreads (1 star means I didn't like it), and said that an editor or even beta reader could and and would have caught the typos. I did add that I thought the idea was good. What I didn't say was that most of the book sucked or that "dude should have edited his own work before ever thinking about pushing it through createspace to be published through amazon". Look, I know that I don't edit my blog posts very often and that's totally me being lazy or rushed, but they are blog posts. If I were trying to publish a novel, I would edit the fuck out of it, give it to a couple of friends, and then give it to Amanda as a last run through regardless if I was sending it to an agent or editor of a publishing house or self publishing it. 

Anyway, I was curious to see how Mr. Kennedy got his reviews, if the bag were lumped in with the good to help him sell more books. As it turns out he has tons of 5 and 4 star reviews on Goodreads and even more 3 star reviews. So, I went to see what these people were saying and promptly started banging my head on my desk in complete frustration. Someone actually gave him high praise because it was a great story and she should know because she'd read tons of vampire books. Has she? Has she really? Because while I haven't read tons, I've read several that are leaps and bounds better in story and execution. 

In the end, in an uncomfortable sort of way, I suppose this sort of thing gives me hope. If something like Princess Dracula can gain so many good reviews even as riddled with errors, plot holes, and bad writing, maybe I could get good reviews too? Or possibly get published? Who knows?