Well
now I'm just confused, timeline?, and tears I am waiting...
For the last
two years I haven't been able to watch Lord of the Rings (all
three extended edition) movies on Christmas. It's kind of a tradition. I tried
to watch it on my birthday last year since I was recovering from surgery, but
didn't actually get all three watched. Since I have been missing Middle Earth
the last couple of days, I thought I should like to visit. It took 3 days
before I finally was able to sit down and watch Fellowship of the Ring and
not only did I have to watch it on Netflix because I was too tired to find the
cables and hook up the blu ray player, I fell asleep before the end. I'm going
to have to finish it today and I just might push the rest of this week's
homework to tomorrow to do it.
Lately, I
have been so overwhelmed that I kind of gave up on just about everything. It's
the house. It's stuff I've been trying to let go of that carried over from last
year. It's that my in-laws are trying to be helpful by cleaning but not getting
things clean, and they wouldn't feel the need to help out so much if I could
stop being so overwhelmed that I didn't hide in the office all day or wasn't
having fibro flare ups or jarring my back by simply bumping into things, or
having dizzy spells even when I am sitting still . It's that I got online to find
a calorie calculator to see if my doctor was bullshitting me on that I'm not
eating enough to function. No, she isn't, so now I have to count calories to
make sure that I eat enough, because lets be honest after having a therapist
fat shame me, having friends preach advice at me, and not having control over
my food off periodically, AND having stomach issues where I feel like I want to
puke before and after eating, I actually became afraid to eat.
I've pretty much eaten just enough to get by. I've had days where I can't seem
to eat much of anything and then have a day where I eat too much, but those are
few and far between. It's stupid all of this is stupid, and I'm just
venting.
So aside
from all of that, my parents dropped a huge bomb on me last week and here it is
Thursday and I still don't know what to do with it. Apparently my alcoholic
cousin Tony not only has a smart phone but was cognizant enough to be able to
use it for more than calling people recently. For whatever reason he went
looking for our mothers' biological father and came across the man's obituary.
My mother's bio-father died in 2015 in Arkansas. He was survived by his mother
and his children Debra, Lisa, Laura, and Billy. It also mentions that he was a
Jehovah's witness.
WHAT?!
What I have
been told all my life was that my mother's father took off with Aunt Debra and
at some point went to jail for stabbing a 17 yr old for pocket change. We
didn't know if Aunt Debra was alive or dead.
But did he
really? Or was that something that Grandma Julie made up? Because things aren't
tracking right in the timeline, as I understood it, from my Mom's childhood
around that time. Apparently my Mom's Dad was the reason they moved from Kansas
to Oklahoma. I guess Grandma Julie didn't want him taking away more of her
kids, which makes sense considering that a previous husband took the kids they
had together. But then how does my Mom's older sister Angie fit in and who was
her Dad? I am so confused. I'm at the point where I am starting to think my
Grandma Julie was nuts herself and am trying to figure out how she even came
from my Great Grandparents because they were so down to earth and sane and
well, normal.
All of that
aside, my parents found my Aunt Debra on the internet and made contact with
her. Apparently she's been looking for Mom and Aunt Laura for awhile. Mom said
that when they talked on the phone, it was like they hadn't been apart for over
40 years and that Aunt Debra is not only sane but seems solid. They've been
talking back and forth via texting and call each other. I found Aunt Debra on
facebook and have messaged her a little. She wanted to plan when she flew up to
see my Mom around when I could fly down. Since I can't do that right now, I
told her not to wait on me, but go when it worked best for her. Eventually I
will get back home to see everyone and maybe then, if she can make it, I will
see her at that time.
So yeah,
that happened, and I still don't know what to make of it. I'm excited, but
numb, and kind of hesitant as well. The last time my Mom had family she didn't
know anything about, it was right before her Mom died. Then Grandma died and my
Mom was giving them a lot of Grandma's stuff but while they were loading that
stuff up, they helped themselves to some of Grandma's jewelry, some stuff my
Mom wanted to keep, and also my mom's wedding rings, social security card, and
driver's licence. You know because Mom always took her rings off to clean and left
them next to her wallet. We were trying to get Grandma's mobile home cleaned
out to sell it so we could pay her bills and whatnot and Mom had a migraine so
Uncle James sent her home with us that night and Mom forgot that stuff. We came
back the next morning and they were heading out. So, as you can imagine, with
all that crap plus the crap I've dealt with from my Aunt Laura, and criminal
activity of two of her children, and the people she's brought into the picture
that I've had to deal with growing up, yeah, I'm just gonna see what happens.
NOTE: I finally finished Lord of the Rings.
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