A lot of stuff has happened in the last two months, all of
which has added heavy weights to limbs scratching for the surface of my depression.
I’m going to try to put piece it together so I can attempt to make sense of it
all.
·
Some friends and I are dealing with the loss of
connection with another of our tribe. Some feel that we’re not good enough, all
of us are concerned, and some are angry and hurt, or confused. It’s hard not to
feel resentment and angry toward the things that created that loss. Maybe it
isn’t for us to know or understand. We’ll just have to nurse hurts, pick
ourselves up on our end, and love said friend as we always have. But things are
different, I feel it, I know it, and I’m still struggling with a lot of it.
·
I’ve had an overwhelming sense of feeling lost.
I can’t explain it. I’m not sure which way to turn and can’t seem to decide
which path is best because they all look damning. Doesn’t help when others keep
stepping in to decide for you and will not shut up long enough for you to
actually think and make the decisions you know you can make for yourself if
only they would let you breathe.
I am angry because people want me to tell them what I need but how can I say when I don't even know? I do not expect people to be mind readers. I don't expect them to fix it all for me- its not their job and I don't want them to. I know I don't think and feel the same everyone else does, but damn, does anyone have to know the answers or know what they need? Perhaps I am being selfish in my slow sink and not considering others' feelings. But I thought I was by not wanting to bother them and drag the down with me. If that's wrong, I wish someone would tell me.
·
In-laws have taken over my house and I was
powerless to stop them. So, in classic fashion, I rebelled a little and refused
to do much of anything. Which in turn got Amanda chewed out. Which then, in
turn, got me chewed out. But what else are you supposed to do when the people
around you are sucking the joy from your bones? And then, to top it off come
snide comments. Fuck you, you won, shut the fuck up and leave me the fuck
alone!
·
I had to change medical insurance to keep my
therapist because the company I had was doing shady things and about to get
into trouble. In doing so, I had to report that Amanda and I got married. That
cost me my medical insurance.
·
My stress began manifesting in hot patches of
skin and hives.
·
My therapist badgered me to seek out new health
insurance and I spent two weeks fighting with the market place people trying to
find something we could afford. There is NOTHING we can afford. The deductible is
2 grand, the monthly cost just for me is more than we can swing. There just isn’t
money for it. PERIOD.
·
I had a gall bladder attack and ended up in the
ER, not know what the hell was going on only that I couldn’t breathe and was
passing out.
·
I learned my Grandpa had fallen while sick.
·
My Grandpa died either the next day or the day
after- I can’t really remember.
·
We flew to Kansas and spent 4 days. The only
blessing was feeling my Grandpa sit down beside me at his funeral, seeing my
Grandma, and my parents and cousins for a tiny bit.
·
My Grandma told me every day I was there that
Grandpa wished he could have seen me before he died, because I was his girl.
·
Came home and losing Grandpa began to finally
register. I couldn’t deal, so I threw myself desperately into writing. It’s the
only thing keeping me together.
·
A couple of days later I had another gall
bladder attack which resulted in surgery that evening.
·
I did not handle the anesthesia well. There are
bruises on my body I can’t account for and the medical staff told me I woke up “wild”
and that they had to bring two extra nurses in to hold me down. I did not know
where I was or what was going on. I’m scared I hurt someone because if that
much effort was used to keep me still, I came out fighting.
·
I got to go home the next day and accident slept
on my stomach that night.
·
Second day after surgery was hell. It was not
the worst pain I have felt, but close, and bad enough that I was panicking and
scared the shit out of Amanda’s Mom. I could not remember when I had taken
aleve or when I had taken a pain pill or how many. She counted them and said I
was okay, but it was still scary. I’m ALWAYS so careful with pain meds.
·
I’ve been having horrible nightmares since
surgery, the kind that leave you upset for days.
·
One of the pieces of tape over my incision sites
fell off too soon and I had to put something over it to help keep the wound
closed and prevent infection.
·
I’ve been freaking out a little over the fact
that I have been sleeping so much- even though I know I need sleep to heal- and
losing writing time.
·
We just learned that my depression/fibro med is
going t cost us 240 dollars a month with a prescription assistance card for the
generic. We couldn’t afford 130 a month for medical insurance. So now we have
to find a different depression med and a medication for fibro that won’t make
me gain all the weight I just lost back, that s affordable, or see if there isn’t
something- some program- out there to help me stay on my meds. Being without
them isn’t an option right now.
·
And I am without my meds today. I’m starting to
go through withdrawal while Amanda scrambles at work to find out if an online
discount pharmacy is a legitimate and the real deal.
·
I just learned from one of my best friends what
she might have ovarian cancer and that there is something wrong with her
youngest daughter’s spine. She doesn’t have test results back yet for her or
her daughter.
·
I’m worried about my parents and my Grandma. I’m
worried about my friend and her kids.
·
I’m worried about the two hospital bills.
The good news:
-
I’m writing
-
I’m getting lost in music
-
I still love my in laws and am thankful for them
taking care of me when I’m sick. At least there is that.
-
Amanda is amazing and she’s putting up with me.
-
UPDATE on meds: Amanda got it worked out and my
doctor’s office was super helpful to her.
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