I'm just really sad and want/need a little time with it and why I sometimes wish I wasn't here.

 

Tolkien created a beautiful world. It has its downsides, all worlds do else there wouldn't be a story, but the few bright stars who are good and honorable, the ones like the Hobbits and Aragorn, Legolas, Gimili and yes even Boromir, and Gandalf, make his world the kind of place I wish I could live in. Sadly, it is fantasy and more depressing is that this world will never be like it. Maybe, once upon a time, long ago, long before Henry the 8th, Julius Ceaser, and further back... Or maybe it never has been and jokes on us. But this is not a new thought or revelation to me. I've always known most people were shit, most people are self serving and ugly, and if you find good ones like Aragron, they are rare. But again, people are human and it is the way it is and all you can do is expect the worst and hope for the best. 

Today. Is. Not. One. Of. Those. Days. Today... today I would sit back with nice cold glass of water, a hand fan with my cats in my lap, my wife and closest friends, choice family next to me and watch this entire world burn and not to do a damn thing to stop it. At least that's what I'd like to think. It certainly appeals to the need for vengeance. 

I've read some shit lately that, if even one hint of it is true- and as more time passes, it's looking more and more like it is true- yes I will be cryptic- then my inner need for vengeance is screaming and raging and flipping tables and lighting fires. I am sure some of that will abate with time. Maybe it won't. But right now I just want to be angry. I just want to wallow in it and decide what to do with it all tomorrow or the next day. 

That reading aside, I have other reasons to want to rage like Grog. There is a person in my local community who is very sick. I used to try and put myself in her shoes, to sympathize with her life struggles, the abuse she says she's suffered. I got red flags early on, having grown up around some very questionable people, but I quieted it, trying to give her some space to settle down because of all the shit she was dealing with and all that stuff was A LOT!  I wouldn't expect anyone to be completely sane after just the medical shit let alone the abuse she said she's lived through. However, everything imploded when another friend set a boundary that was repeatedly ignored. Hell, I set a quiet boundary that was blatantly ignored time and time again. Since then, this individual has behaved like a stalker, tried to get to the one who set the boundary through other people and any avenue she could, involved people who have no idea what the hell is going on 'to make them fix it'. She has no remorse, refuses to take responsibility for her actions and its sick. 

A cease and desist order has been issued. It's really fucked up. I told my wife, who is frankly shocked that this is even happening, that she hasn't actually had to deal with real crazy and I know why that is. I am a whale with resting bitch face and when I dress in my goth clothes and make up, people find me scary or at least unapproachable. But she scares a lot of people away with her loud, spazzy antics. Crazy wants stable, not competition. So we've been fortunate to not have had to run into it in long time. Never thought I would ever think of my wife's brand of silly, obnoxious, antics as the perfect shield, but here we are and yes, I chose this and had 10 years to bail but still married her anyway. I guess I actually love her.  But all levity aside, this too makes me sad because it's getting a little scary and frightening to see the friend who laid the boundary have to deal with this all while dealing with so much of her own stuff. Boundary friend has had some heavy losses, is dealing with losing a family member as we speak mentally and physically, and has a very depressed other family member. 

Which leads me to another sadness. I am sad for the loss of a friendship that, in public view is still there and loving, but that I know is a complete lie. I've been deeply hurt by this friend, many times. I know it is my responsibility to speak up, but I have been very afraid to say anything, even thinking that I would be making something out of nothing. I gaslit myself out of fear and years of societal conditioning from shitty people. I will take responsibility for not speaking up, but, if myself or my wife were as important to said friend as they said we were- and they said we were family, which to me is pretty fucking important, then why ignore us? Why invalidate our existence to our faces? Why blow us off and cancel repeatedly?  And I thought I was just being too sensitive, that this friend is very busy and I just need to be chill and be that chill friend who isn't a bother, but they've done it to three other friends and are now doing it another friend and even being just plain mean. It's not just us. Given what I know about this person and the shit they've dealt with, I understand, to a certain degree, the how and why some of this is happening, but still... its upsetting to watch someone else go through the same questions, the same confusion, and the same hurt. I told said friend, 'you know, in a few years from now or maybe several down the line, they will be lonely and won't have any friends left. And that's on them. We may not have done everything we could, but we can only do as much as we have the energy for and it's a fucking two way street". The façade of laid back, easy going perfection isn't worth burning bridges and friendships.

I have some other frustrations and anger over some political shit happening in this country and the disgusting lack of basic knowledge and the willful and deliberate continued ignorance of the people who run this country and that is on both sides of the fucking isle. Your ignorance is not your fault but it is most certainly your responsibility to fix it. Especially when we live in a day and age with libraries and the internet. Don't you dare tell me what I can and cannot do with or to my body when you don't even know how it fucking works. There is a lot more to that and at least a baker's dozen other issues I could get into, but I won't for now.

My last three sad/ scary things of the day are- no make that 4. The first is that I am sick and that makes me more prone to whining. But I am going to try and get into the doctor for what I think is a chest cold. While I might look some shit up online, I always present it to my doctor and defer to them. Like "I think it might be this, yes, I googled my symptoms, but you went to school and I want your opinion and would like your help to make it better please and thank you".  I actually have a really good doctor right now and I very much appreciate her.  

Okay the 2nd last sad/scary thing. My Grandma has been having some black out spells. She is 95 years old and has had them before. She and my Dad landed in the cardiologist's office and after a 2 and half hour wait, the surgeon came in and told her he thinks she doing everything she can do that is right and to keep on doing what she is doing- taking the best care of herself that she can, resting, monitoring blood pressure and so on. He said he could do a suggested surgery on her but given that she 95 and as we age our hearts get weaker and more fragile, he truly believed he stood a greater chance of losing her on the table than actually helping her. He did say he would do the surgery if she really wanted it. She didn't. They thanked him for his honesty and left.  I know my Grandma has been without Grandpa for several years now and I know she is 95 and we don't have much time with her left, still doesn't make it easy knowing she'll leave us soon as well.  I also pissed her off by telling her I would fight God I would fight him to keep her. She was not impressed. 

And that brings me to my Mom. She had a really bad episode. Dad said she was out longer this time and when she came out of it, she wasn't totally back yet. She could get up and go to the bathroom on her own, but all he could get her to say was that she was okay. But she watched the cable menu screen all day. He said he told the doctor today that he hasn't looked it up, he's in denial- with understandable reasons-, and scared and worried that she may have Alzheimer's. He doesn't know for sure but he said that it's like she just slowly slipping away. That's not my Mom. She doesn't give up. She is a stubborn bitch and will fight tooth and nail. I told him that she told me that she is afraid that when she has these episodes she won't wake up again and it's just now dawning on me that's why she fights going to bed. Probably. It;s fucking scary. No one knows what's wrong. I honestly believe she's had a stroke but no doctor will agree. They say there isn't evidence. If you look at her fucking face, the left side droops a little. Her behavior changed. If not a stroke, then at least some kind of brain injury of some kind. None of this is normal! Never mind that my grandfather had a stroke and if the EMTS hasn't seen him having it, there wouldn't have been any evidence of it by the time they got to the hospital.  Anyway, my Dad said, at this point, he is grasping at straws. The PCP doctor has never seen anything like this. The neurologist exhausted every resource he could before giving up. 

So, yeah. I wish these things weren't happening. I wish I wasn't slowly losing my Grandmother to old age, my mother from who the fuck knows with the medical community saying idk and slamming the door in our faces due to lack of money, and people just suck. I still hold to that if I could live in Rivendell, I would. There are Elves, books, swords, beautiful waterfalls and trees, and they fucking eat vegetables! I wouldn't mind a jaunt to Lolthlorien, the Shire, and even Mirkwood. Could do without the giant spiders though. 

Update: Why I haven't been blogging much, if at all this year, and some review.

This year has been one of change, grief, suffocation, adjustment and recuperation, and pain with little moments of quiet and dots of happiness. A lot has happened and I've wanted to share or blog about many things, even saved the pictures from, but I couldn't and barely managed the few posts I did. I'm going to try and break it down in smaller sections so I'm not all over the place. 

House: We came into the year, thankfully, with a home of our own. Being evicted from our apartment when we hadn't done anything wrong and the way in which it was was done, really messed me up. We were blessed enough to have been approved for a home loan and a couple months of couch surfing later, find our house. Since moving in, we've had little hiccups with the house itself. We had to get a new stove, we have only one bathroom, I've had trouble establishing boundaries, and the summer was especially hard since we were living in the living room. We don't have central air conditioning or a unit for our room yet.  Some friends offered to get us one to help me keep my sanity, but feeling so low I just couldn't take them up on it. It also didn't feel right for them to fix problems we needed to fix on our own. Recently, now that it is much cooler and winter, we have moved back into our bedroom upstairs and have finally gotten the house just about in order. We've begun the downsizing we hadn't been able to do before moving in. 

Family: I've been struggling with forgiving my parents. I think I have forgiven and understand all the reasons why they didn't come to my wedding, but the fact of the matter is, what they did hurt me in such a way I don't know if I will ever truly heal from. Sometimes I am furious, sometimes I can't fathom why what they did hurts so much, or how to even explain it to friends. But how do you explain growing up idolizing your parents and grandparents no matter what? How do you impart that your parents were and still are two of your best friends? Or even that your Grandparents are too? Or that family means more to you than you can explain?

Then of course, my Grandpa died during the summer and I go up and down with that all the time and will for awhile. 

My Aunt Laura, my mom's twin, is- hell I don't know what she is trying to do, but she's taking us all on an up and down ride. 

My cousin Tony found my Mom's lost older sister, Debra. That was exciting and she is so nice and sane. But her husband has cancer and so does she, which is upsetting. 

I did get to reconnect with my cousin Crystal this year, which has been good. My cousin Dashiel is still a shit head.

Friends: My in-person friends have kind of let me down and frustrated me a lot this year. Some have made me feel pretty awful. I'm sure I've done the same. I kind of became even more of a hermit this year, but some of that is health related. In the last few months, I've kind of reached a soft breaking point and had a bit too much. I've had to be much firmer than I would have liked with some friends and told one that the way she was treating me was not okay. And, it has become vividly clear that I simply do not think in the same manner as everyone else. Twice, when things have been so utterly horrible, I've let people know I was drowning in my depression and that I didn't know what to do. 

1. It is extremely difficult for me to put that out there and if I am telling someone that, it is because I'm in so deep I don't know if I am going to be able to climb out on my own. That is a call for help. It is not that I am too proud to ask for help. It is that I've spent years believing that I didn't deserve it and had to fix things on my own. 

2. Telling me you love me and you're there if I need you, tell you what I need, doesn't actually help. It was a struggle for me to tell you how bad its gotten, chances are I can't put into words or even know what I need, other than for someone to keep me talking or come sit with me. And this is where I think I think differently, because if one of my friends told me they were in this position, I wouldn't have to ask them what they needed, I would talk to them or go to them. But, that's just me. 

3. The last thing I need is the brush off or a lecture about everything I am doing wrong or to be told what you think I should be doing, especially when you won't do these things for yourself. 

Body/health: At the end of the day, I find myself sometimes quoting Leto Atreties II from the movie Children of Dune, "my skin is not my own". Of course I'm not about to turn into some giant sand worm that produces the spice the universe runs on, but the feeling of feeling like my body belongs to me or feels like its right, is the same concept. In fact, I feel like mine has betrayed me in major ways. I described to my therapist that it feel like I'm stuck or trapped in something I can't tear off. It feels like I'm under or surrounded by something foreign and if I could get rid of it, things would feel more like me. I know part of that is the weight. Which has been a struggle in and of itself. The rest is depression, fibro, the hysterectomy, and my back. As much as I desperately needed that hysterectomy and was begging to have it done, that was still a big part of me and suddenly I don't quite feel right any more. I don't feel so much like a girl and I actually really wanted kids of my own, even though I knew I couldn't. Having that finalized, IS VERY hard. I feel like I somehow failed even though no one blames me. And I go up and down with that too. And in the last year the fibro and my back have gotten worse, which doesn't help. And my level of energy has dropped dramatically. Some days I truly struggle to get even the simplest things accomplished.   

Therapist: I really like my therapist and I think she is a good fit for me, but she's kind of screwed me over a couple of ways. First was with the insurance. I could have had health insurance this whole year had she told me she was going to stop taking what I had and that I should find another insurance provider. True the company I had seemed to be doing some shady things. So I switched, but in doing so, we had to update some financial information and that made it so instead of free insurance, we had to come up with deductable and copays and pay for insurance every month. Which wouldn't be a big deal except that we don't have that money and were trying to figure out how to pay her bill since I had lost the free insurance. She put me on a sliding fee scale based on Amanda's income, which helped. But we had already been behind and have yet to catch up because she didn't charge me a couple of visits like she was supposed to and we didn't catch it. To make matters worse, she's been fussing at me to get health insurance just about every time I see her. What part of we can't afford it, do you not understand?! And the best part of this is, she's now going to take the insurance I was originally on! I could strangle her.
On the matter of health insurance itself, I am hoping that after a month or two, Amanda and I will be caught up on everything and can wipe some things out. I am hoping then, we can readdress the health insurance issue for the both of us. If not, that's just how it is. We are in the weird middle ground of just enough income to not qualify for free health insurance but not enough to actually afford it. But, no matter what, I know that things will work out some how- or at least enough to keep up on the most important medicines we need. Certainly dropping therapy and getting her paid off would free up more of our income for other medical needs.

The second part, is on the topic of my writing. I know she is a therapist, but I don't think she understands the writing process. She's said some things about it that made me feel like I shouldn't write. That I was spending too much time writing (which, for me is actually kind of limited since I can only sit at my desk for so long before my back starts cramping and seizing up and I have to go do something else for a while). She worried that I was escaping too much instead of being present in the real world. I can go through phases where I am a workaholic and need to see the end of something like a chapter or section of story- but that's not limited to writing, that goes for house cleaning or cooking, or craft stuff. I have used writing as a way to cope with things that are too painful in the 'real world' before. Its how I made through high school and the few years I lived at home before I moved out. I can also get a bit involved and obsessive and I know that not everyone gets it or wants to hear about what is thrilling or exciting to me or wants to be a sounding board. I recognize and understand these things and can usually catch myself in the process of them and back up. But the way in which she's addressed them made me feel so guilty and like there was something wrong with me, that I couldn't actually stay on the momentum I had last year when I rewrote and finished the novel length fanficion I had been working on. So the triumph and self proof that I could do this was so utterly dashed and stamped out that I was afraid to try. And with friends fussing about me being a little over excited or obsessive and talking about me needing to find balance between this and that, I was really scared.

It finally came to head the other night, when after months of agonizing over all this I was finally able to put it into words to Amanda. Thank the Gods she is a writer and actually understands. I am truly blessed to have her, because despite submitting two pieces of writing this year, I hadn't written anything other than fanfic and rps. But after finally being able to get all of that out and talking to her about it, I actually feel like it is okay to be this part of me again. And I don't know when or where or why there's this part of me that needs permission to do things sometimes, if it is part of my trying to please people or be considerate of what other people feel and think, what they want- or really when I started being so accommodating, or if its part of a lack of self esteem, guilt for paying more attention to what makes me happy instead of what makes other people happy, or even a combination of all of the above. All I do know is that I have enough trouble fighting with fibro fog, fibro pain, exhaustion, and back pain, and lack of confidence, that I don't need anything else piled on. Further if my therapist and my friends can't accept or put up with my excitement and joy and be supportive, then maybe its not me, it's them who are in the wrong and maybe they don't get the privilege of taking that ride with me or celebrating any accomplishments with me along the way. Thanks for making me feel less than or crazier than I already do.

Finally: I really have been just exhausted. I've been too tired to keep up with much of anything and have had to tell Amanda that the rate of comapny- the one that come all the time- needs to slow the hell down because I never get a weekend along with her when she is off work, and I almost never see the people who don't constantly ask or just show up with little or no notice. Her parents are taxing and with all my stuff going on on top it, I'm crankier, have less patience, and just can't. Which of course affects her in that she wants to go out and do things but I don't have the energy. In fact if I even settle down on the sofa 9 times out of 10, I fall asleep within five minutes of sitting down and faster if I have to the heating pad for my back. I feel as though I am running on borrowed fumes most of the time. It both frustrates me and makes me cry. I'm only 34. If  things are this bad now, whats it going to be like when I'm 40 or 50?

So there you have it. Some of it is broken record but I've said it many times, this is my venting ground. People don't just get over things and move on. It takes time to process things properly and when dealing with grief or loss, it can take even longer- especially if you stuff shit.      

  

Inktober 2018 art dump

This is the prompt list for Inktober and the main one I am following. There is one specifically for Takashi Shirogane  (Shiro) from Voltron that I might play with a little too, but I kind of just want to hang on to that one and do it at my leisure. 

So, here's what I've managed to do so far... And yes, I am running a day behind. 

1. Poison

Done with ball point pen, sharpie, and I 'tried' to use my calligraphy pen but it wasn't doing what I wanted.

2. Tranquil, because the moon makes everything calm.

I was trying out a Sumi-e style of painting but its harder than it looks and I don't think Calligraphy brushes are the right things to use. So while it is calligraphy ink, it mostly came out looking like a watercolor-ish mess.  I can paint the moon and a hell of a lot better than that. LOL!

3. Roasted

Ball point pen was used for this one. While looking for inspiration for this prompt, I kept seeing marshmallows or weird stuff. I went a little weird and decided to go with a mermaid. 

4. Spell. 

Done with Sharpie.

5. Chicken. I was hungry

Done with Sharpie

6. Drooling

This is what happens when I lack inspriation, don't care too much about the prompt and just kind have an art fart on paper. Its awful and drawn with Sharpie.

7. Exhausted. 

This one is a my favorite so far. Its my second attempt at drawing Shiro from Voltron but the first using a reference. I used Sharpie and pencil. 

So much and I think I am back

Takashi Shirogane Art by Clandestineknight

I'm back, I think, I hope. I've had a major spell of depression, bad enough that Amanda was talking about taking me to the hospital. I've stuffed enough crap for so long that I couldn't stuff any more and my lid popped. Without going into  too much detail, a lot of the stuff dragging me down was grief, loss, health, living situation, spiritual situation, friend and family situations, so, yeah everything really, but those primarily. Summer was miserable, in a word. 

But its fall now and I'm looking forward to the season. 

While we didn't do too much for the summer, we did go to Kuro Neko Con- which will be a post on its own and we had a visitor from Boston, again, another post on it's own. I didn't craft much and really only have one project to show. However, today, Amanda and I are working on the living room since she had the day off. We were going to try and finally do paint touch ups and paint and install the chair railing but we just don't feel up to it and it can wait another week or so. 

Oh we are missing a sofa. Our sofa was damaged during our move and we dealt with it a long time before the company finally came to pick it up for repair. But I am very ready for it to come home. My office chair is okay, but sometimes my back needs a break. 

I am writing again, everyday. I started work on a novel but got horribly discouraged. So, I've been doing some written rps with Amanda and her cousin Kat. I also started a fanfiction for Voltron. Its been fun but I am feeling a little more confident and am ready to get back to the novel. Also, my Aunt Debra wants a story to read when she's moved into her new house, so I'm going to find something I've already written, that's short, to send her. I don't have tons of time to work on something new aside from the novel, not with the rps, the fanfic, working on the house, and also...

I am helping some friends with their bakery! I'm making cakepops two to three times a week to help with a big order they have that's due soon. It's been a lot of fun and one of the girls is trying to get me hired on. It's just a tricky situation because they can't pay themselves yet. But one of them is like 'if we have you, we can take more orders and make more money'. Whatever happens, happens. Either way, I am enjoying my time there and when I need to get up and move, I can. When I get overwhelmed or panicky, I can take a break, so it is working out.   

As much of an update as I can manage.

A lot of stuff has happened in the last two months, all of which has added heavy weights to limbs scratching for the surface of my depression. I’m going to try to put piece it together so I can attempt to make sense of it all.

·         Some friends and I are dealing with the loss of connection with another of our tribe. Some feel that we’re not good enough, all of us are concerned, and some are angry and hurt, or confused. It’s hard not to feel resentment and angry toward the things that created that loss. Maybe it isn’t for us to know or understand. We’ll just have to nurse hurts, pick ourselves up on our end, and love said friend as we always have. But things are different, I feel it, I know it, and I’m still struggling with a lot of it.

·         I’ve had an overwhelming sense of feeling lost. I can’t explain it. I’m not sure which way to turn and can’t seem to decide which path is best because they all look damning. Doesn’t help when others keep stepping in to decide for you and will not shut up long enough for you to actually think and make the decisions you know you can make for yourself if only they would let you breathe.

I am angry because people want me to tell them what I need but how can I say when I don't even know? I do not expect people to be mind readers. I don't expect them to fix it all for me- its not their job and I don't want them to. I know I don't think and feel the same everyone else does, but damn, does anyone have to know the answers or know what they need? Perhaps I am being selfish in my slow sink and not considering others' feelings. But I thought I was by not wanting to bother them and drag the down with me. If that's wrong, I wish someone would tell me. 

·         In-laws have taken over my house and I was powerless to stop them. So, in classic fashion, I rebelled a little and refused to do much of anything. Which in turn got Amanda chewed out. Which then, in turn, got me chewed out. But what else are you supposed to do when the people around you are sucking the joy from your bones? And then, to top it off come snide comments. Fuck you, you won, shut the fuck up and leave me the fuck alone!

·         I had to change medical insurance to keep my therapist because the company I had was doing shady things and about to get into trouble. In doing so, I had to report that Amanda and I got married. That cost me my medical insurance.

·         My stress began manifesting in hot patches of skin and hives.

·         My therapist badgered me to seek out new health insurance and I spent two weeks fighting with the market place people trying to find something we could afford. There is NOTHING we can afford. The deductible is 2 grand, the monthly cost just for me is more than we can swing. There just isn’t money for it. PERIOD.

·         I had a gall bladder attack and ended up in the ER, not know what the hell was going on only that I couldn’t breathe and was passing out.

·         I learned my Grandpa had fallen while sick.

·         My Grandpa died either the next day or the day after- I can’t really remember.

·         We flew to Kansas and spent 4 days. The only blessing was feeling my Grandpa sit down beside me at his funeral, seeing my Grandma, and my parents and cousins for a tiny bit.

·         My Grandma told me every day I was there that Grandpa wished he could have seen me before he died, because I was his girl.

·         Came home and losing Grandpa began to finally register. I couldn’t deal, so I threw myself desperately into writing. It’s the only thing keeping me together.

·         A couple of days later I had another gall bladder attack which resulted in surgery that evening.

·         I did not handle the anesthesia well. There are bruises on my body I can’t account for and the medical staff told me I woke up “wild” and that they had to bring two extra nurses in to hold me down. I did not know where I was or what was going on. I’m scared I hurt someone because if that much effort was used to keep me still, I came out fighting.

·         I got to go home the next day and accident slept on my stomach that night.

·         Second day after surgery was hell. It was not the worst pain I have felt, but close, and bad enough that I was panicking and scared the shit out of Amanda’s Mom. I could not remember when I had taken aleve or when I had taken a pain pill or how many. She counted them and said I was okay, but it was still scary. I’m ALWAYS so careful with pain meds.

·         I’ve been having horrible nightmares since surgery, the kind that leave you upset for days.

·         One of the pieces of tape over my incision sites fell off too soon and I had to put something over it to help keep the wound closed and prevent infection.  

·         I’ve been freaking out a little over the fact that I have been sleeping so much- even though I know I need sleep to heal- and losing writing time.

·         We just learned that my depression/fibro med is going t cost us 240 dollars a month with a prescription assistance card for the generic. We couldn’t afford 130 a month for medical insurance. So now we have to find a different depression med and a medication for fibro that won’t make me gain all the weight I just lost back, that s affordable, or see if there isn’t something- some program- out there to help me stay on my meds. Being without them isn’t an option right now.

·         And I am without my meds today. I’m starting to go through withdrawal while Amanda scrambles at work to find out if an online discount pharmacy is a legitimate and the real deal.

·         I just learned from one of my best friends what she might have ovarian cancer and that there is something wrong with her youngest daughter’s spine. She doesn’t have test results back yet for her or her daughter.

·         I’m worried about my parents and my Grandma. I’m worried about my friend and her kids.

·         I’m worried about the two hospital bills.

The good news:

-          I’m writing  

-          I’m getting lost in music

-          I still love my in laws and am thankful for them taking care of me when I’m sick. At least there is that.

-          Amanda is amazing and she’s putting up with me.

-          UPDATE on meds: Amanda got it worked out and my doctor’s office was super helpful to her.    

What's it like? Dehydrated, Fight.

I can't remember if this picture help part of the inspiration for a short story I wrote for school or not... It may have been one element of several stitched together. Either way, I really love it, and could look at it for hours. I could sit and come up with a scenario or two as to what led these two to this point, and to be honest, I have, although not all of them are on paper. Its escapism, a distraction, and most certainly a form of self preservation- something I've been doing an awful lot of lately. 

I was supposed to have a craft post and in some respects I do. Or rather, it is coming. I wanted to try and focus on some happier shit, mostly in effort to not be so rawr and doom and gloom. I do have semi-productive and happy moments in my life. I will also have a wedding and honeymoon photo post- as soon as I edit what little we have. And I would like to do a full garden tour when it gets mostly finished as well as a house tour. The last two are going to be on going "works in progress", but I want t share some stuff.

But, the reason all of that is coming instead of here now, is that I continued to sink further in my depression. I probably should have gone to the hospital a couple of times, but I didn't and the reasons why are for Amanda and I to know. I probably should've called some friends, we live not far from a set, but I know how busy they are and two of my fears are dragging my friends down with me and exhausting them- thereby seeing them run for the hills/ dropping me- i.e. abandonment issue, and also I don't want to interrupt or be a burden or even worry people. Grandma told me a long time ago not to tell the truth when someone asked me how I am doing. People have their own stuff going on, their own problems, and they don't need anything extra from me, so when asked "how are you, just smile and say 'good' or 'fine', and then quickly ask how they are doing". Maybe it's a generational thing, a Midwest thing, or even a family thing, but from there on, I grew up with the idea that people didn't really care even if I did. That it was small talk and more polite and helpful to listen and help other people and not expect the same in return. Because we gotta do it all ourselves... which kind of lead into if you're not productive you aren't worth anything to anyone and you should be ashamed to be seen in public idea I somehow equated.  And also, your needs come after everyone else. Not that the latter really bothers me most of the time, I often volunteer without a care or a thought of me other than I genuinely want to. Except I can't do it as much and because of that, I feel that sense of worthlessness... 

But, I finally broke down and messaged a few close friends. I talked to a couple as well. Amanda didn't think people understood how bad it has gotten and knowing how much of a told my struggle is taking on her, I thought I had better suck it up and ask for help before I destroy her right along with me. 

Laying out as much as I could felt wrong, made me feel crazy, unstable, and disgusting. It felt like someone dragging a steak knife hard and slow over my nerves and even a layer of skin was being removed. My friends were kind and caring and asked me to let them know what I needed. I don't know. I don't know what I need. I'm seeing a therapist who is doing DBT and going to try another type of therapy to see if we can't take some of the intensity of things away. I'm taking depression meds. I'm making sure to do some things that I enjoy as some self care. I am playing with the cats and I am trying to make sure I get out of the house even though right now it scares the hell out of me to do so. 

Shortly after I reached out for help from my friends, I had to change providers for my health insurance so I could keep my therapist, and since Amanda and I got married, I also had to report a change in household. In doing so, they deemed me, us, ineligible for state health care. That would be fine if it were just a matter of me be going to the doctor every six months to do a med check and the once or twice a year I get sick. But I really need the therapy. Thankfully, I have an amazing therapist who went over some options of what we could do in case- when I reapply- I still can't get insured. There's some financial questions I may or may not have gotten right when I did the household stuff, so I am going to do it again, with Amanda, and see what happens. If we can't get state insurance, there are some lower cost plan options that might work, it just depends on how they are structured. 

However, it was the thought of money the night prior and the day of visiting DSHS that really made me sink deeper. The people at DSHS were very unhelpful. In fact, a woman I spoke with, in front of her coworker, the security guard, and Amanda and her mother, told me to get a divorce, my marriage annulled, or lie because the government doesn't know. I was so shocked and angry, I could hardly stand it. She was telling me to commit fraud. WTF?!  And then they kept us for two hours under the guise of "let's help you do food stamps" to give us 15 bucks a month. Um, thank you? Amanda's Mom was pissed. She said it was an insult. Be that as it may, it's 15 dollars of me being able to get sunbutter for sandwiches and fruit and veggies I want to eat. No, not a lot, but it gives me a tiny sliver of control back.  

Amanda and I got into a fight a couple of days ago. All of this stuff has been piling up. We're both tired and spread thin. Neither of us has been sleeping well. I've was suffering from heat sickness, Amanda thinks I was dealing with full on heat stroke, before we got the air conditioner in the window. Add in the fact that both of us are kind of shit at communication, and we had a small blow out. Since we had been out, I wouldn't let her go inside the house when we got home until we'd talked, more for privacy's sake than anything. That and I won't let her run away from something until I feel that we are at least okay, else it bothers me until I am physically ill. Apologies were given and I don't know if we are going to be any better at communicating, we've been working on it for 10 years and will probably still be working on it in another 10 years. But we are okay, at least it seems like it. 

A lot of it is that I don't like seeing how tried she is. I know living and taking care of someone with depression is difficult and draining. My parents both have severe depression on top of my mom's health problems. Knowing that there is a potential for an extra drain on her, in the financial area, really upsets me. Because I'm being honest with her and she wants me to tell her what I am thinking and how I feel so she can help or get me to someone who can where she can't, I told her that I'd had a thought of off I could alleviate someone of it for both of us, I'd tell her to donate my body to science so she wouldn't have funeral costs, and go step off a bridge over the highway. And that's just one of many planned outs, but I know it will upset my friends, and hurt my Grandparents, and devastate my parents and Amanda. I don't want to bring that much hurt to people I care about.  

But those are the thoughts and the brief picture view of how bad things have gotten. Still, I'm trying to remind myself that I know that its the depression monster. I know that people do care. I need to (begrudgingly) remind myself that I am only human. The good news is that I do realize all of these things and while that doesn't cure it, it helps to help me get to the step back place so I can look at the mess and figure out how to make it manageable. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to live without depression. I know everyone experiences some depression, you can't grow without suffering, but to be a quote "normal" person... I can't fathom it. 

The other good news is that in my escapism, I started reading again and a friends reintroduced me to some dating sim games. They are weird and I certainly didn't expect to get to drawn in. I have several that I'm playing and they have really interesting story lines. In one of them I'm worried that my character married the bad guy and its kind of upsetting. I keep hoping that he's really not, or that there's something he hasn't said or revealed about the other characters. And I have helped out two friends who recently bought a bakery. I was able to sit and make cake pops one evening and then I told them to send me home with labels and the little bags that go over the cake pops so when I watch TV, I can help them out too. I got the first batch finished and asked one of the girls to bring over some more and take what I had done for them when she comes over tonight. 

Lastly, I managed in all of the pre-airconditioner days and doing some yard work and grocery shopping and going through things for the garage sale, to not keep up with my water tracker... So, I dehydrated myself to the point of bad stomach issues. I realized it yesterday and have since been working to correct it, but I am still having some stomach trouble. It probably doesn't help that despite us sleeping in the living room where the air conditioner fits and is, I haven't been sleeping very well. I mean I'm getting more than I have been, but I'm wondering if I've been trying to knock myself into a manic mode. It might be time to try the melatonin for a week again, just to get me back on routine.   

An update and backtracking with depression monster.

Fear the Mind by wacalac

The last couple of weeks have been a struggle and I have learned and or realized a couple things. But first I'll update the medical situation with a short recap.

I was taking neurontin for fibromyalgia. I also take another medication that doubles as an antidepressant but is largely prescribed for fibromyalgia. Since I would like to lose weight, my doctor decided to take me off neurontin because it causes weight gain and the plan was to max me out on the other med. In addition to that, he put me on a weight-loss drug to help boost the process. Except he decided not to max me out on the other med until the neurontin is completely out of my system and thus my fibromylgia has been a screaming bitch the last couple of weeks, which I will get more into in a moment. Secondly, I don't think the weight-loss medication gives me any more energy, just makes me feel unsettled, occasionally antsy, and dizzy, and on a few occasions I've felt like my heart was racing when I wasn't moving. The latter at least passes quickly. Third, I don't know what the heck is going on with my insurance and my GERD medication, but for some reason they didn't want to fill it. 

So I've been trying to curb the symptoms with aloe juice/water. I've also been drinking kombucha lately to try to get my stomach in order. I have been more nauseated than usual, which makes me not want to eat and the newest issue, not want to drink anything either. Swallowing has been difficult. It;s like when I swallow food or liquid, it goes down but then it feels like something painful is coming up. My throat feels a little tight and sometimes the pain reaches up into my jaw. It's different from the TMJ pain I get because of the fibro, so I know it's not that. Either way, it is fucking weird! I was about to call my insurance to see what was going on when the pharmacy called yesterday to let me know I had a prescription ready. I just need to go pick it up tonight. Still, I'm going to discuss it with my doctor when I see him next, which will be soon.

Back to the fibro, its been bad and with out the neurontin taking the edge off, the bad flare up days have been worse. I've been practically making love to the heating pad. Still, I've been trying to capitalize on the better days to get some walking done and also work out with a friend. Fun fact, you can trigger a fibro flare up by exercising! I would go for a very short walk, get in and get busy doing something, and the next thing I know my body is screaming at me. I've exercised before, in the pool and on the elliptical, and yeah, I would hurt, but not like I have been. My thought was that maybe that had something to do with the fact that I was pre- hysterectomy? And well, I also had a decent amount of fibro medication taking the edge off. In my research about how to navigate this problem, its kind of a crap shoot. I can't get my heart rate up too much, have to workout for shorter periods, and doing water aerobics and yoga might be better. 

My depression monster has upped its game the last couple of weeks as well. I know some of that is pain induced. But there is a lot that's not. I had a day where I was looking for something to cut my skin off with and when I realized what I was doing, I did my best not to freak. A couple of times I've found myself scratching at my face or other places but managed to stop. Worse, I'm having instances where I am too afraid to and can't move. I just sit and cry quietly and stare at the wall for sometimes up to half an hour. I've been trying grounding, the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, and a good deal of the time I can at least get myself back to mostly neutral.  The rest of the time I have to ride it out. I've also had random bursts of crying for no good reason or feel like I need to cry all day long whether or not I actually do. My usual distraction or escape methods to make me feel better (anime and music) haven't been doing as good job as they usually do. These are all things I'm going to talk to my therapist about, of course. Don't worry, I'm not in danger of offing myself. I told myself I couldn't die until I got a book published. More importantly, hurting friends and family is something I can't handle.

Despite my no picnic last couple of weeks, I have had a few good moments. Cuddles with the cats have been and are always good. I've finally been reading a little and I've been talking with my cousin Shi-Chan a bit. And I downloaded Pokemon Go on my phone so I could play it while I walk. I like it, so far, but it certainly drains the hell out of my battery.

The antics of cats, small breakdown, and it really will take a few months

This morning I am cold, tired, and ache all over, but I've been up since 4:48 am and been semi productive. I've made coffee, had breakfast, and started working on school stuff. And, I've even given the cats a morning treat. Narcisa was so pleased with me she brought me her blue mouse toy. That's her baby. It has been lost for awhile but it appeared in our bedroom last night. I am taking that as progress that she's beginning to relax a little. She's been a bit wigged out since before our wedding and the new house has a lot of new sounds she's not used to. And, she's been moved twice, so I think she's a little worried this isn't home yet. But her ottoman is here, her kitty tree is here, and some of other furniture and items are slowly making it into the house. 

Thorin took to the house just fine and was playing with toys as soon as we put the paper Torrid bag we were keeping them in, out. He's pretty good about going to the bag, finding what he wants, playing with it, and promptly losing it under the sofa. He has his favorites, of course, and lately, he's bee bringing me a small orange puff ball around 1 am. It doesn't matter if I am asleep, he will paw at me to wake me up and then he drops his little puff ball in my hand or on the pillow next to me and wait for me to throw it. In other words, my cat plays fetch and does so better than most dogs I have met. However, last night I threw the ball and it went behind the bedroom door. Narcisa saw where it went and went after it, and then I think she hid it because I couldn't find it for him this morning and he wasn't able to find it last night. But at 4:48 this morning there was a blue puff ball on the pillow next to my head, so he must have given up and gone after the other one in the toy bag. 

Back to things slowly coming in to the house. We're going to have to have a garage sale... Unless I say screw it and just donate everything. Amanda's going to go through some records, we've been going through some manga and books- yeah, I said books, there are some I don't figure I will ever read again or haven't read and probably won't. I need to go through some cds. We've got some kitchen ware I need to go through, clothing, and other assorted sundries. Meanwhile...

I have been keep a look out at thrift stores for Avon's 1870 Cape Cod ruby dish set. So far I have the serving bowl and the little cream pitcher. I think they are beautiful! Actually, now that I think of it, I have been collecting these too,

I have four of the glasses and two of the dessert glasses from this particular line. No, wit, I have three glasses because a friend broke one when washing it when I had surgery last year. She was so upset, but it's just a glass and I am sure I can find another. What matters was that she wasn't hurt. 

I've also decided that my house is not going to be clean- not in the way I would like- until we are done moving stuff in and going through it, which is frustrating and takes a toll on me emotionally. But hey, I found my fucking tea kettle, so at least I can drink tea while I stare overwhelmed at the mess. 

On a final note, while we were pulling things out of the garage yesterday, I was looking through some scrabooking paper boxes for a certain paper book for a project I want to do, when I came across the book I got specifically for our wedding. Instantly I crumbled in a tear filled meltdown over the fact that I have very little photos from my wedding and those that I do have aren't very good, my parents were there and that still hurts, and Amanda's trying to make up for everything we didn't get to do at our wedding this summer, with a Black Moon Ball- which I will talk about later. And of course it didn't just stop there, my brain quite happily lept right off that cliff and went down an awful spiral. To be honest, I have suspected this was going to happen. I don't even think that twenty minutes sobbing in the garage was the full episode, I think that might have just been the precursor. I would rather that was all and that I was done with it and moving on, but if it isn't, well, it is what it is. I'll deal with it like I always do. 

Goals for 2018, update, and disaster phone and tears.

Found this awesome picture over at The Latest Kate on Facebook.

This morning has been relatively quiet in our house, of course now that I have said that, the in-laws will appear from the basement, and it will be noisy until they decide to leave, but that's okay. I am ready for it. I think. LOL! I've a little bit to share today, so I'm going to keep things as short as possible. 

First, the cell phone arrived and I am shipping right back to the seller. We've already put in for our refund because that piece of shit was unacceptable. Advertised as new, we received what looked to either be someone's trade in or a stolen phone. The screen was shattered, the sides dinged up, and not even the right screen protector sticker on the front. the sticker was for another brand of phone. On top of that, the box it came in said the phone was white, it was black. And there was a new charger inside so I know the seller had to have looked at it and just didn't care. Guess again. But what is strange is that the seller was Samsung on Amazon. 

Amanda and I both need new phones and as much as I would like to stay with T-Mobile (My Dad and I have been loyal customers since I was in high school), Metro PCS has some better deals on their plans and we'd get two new, free phones. But, we will see. So for the time being, I am still without a cell phone. 

Second, we're still going, going, going. Despite being home most days, we've had some friends over, a couple stayed the weekend this weekend, and one stayed over because we are closer to her work and the roads were shit. One of Amanda's Aunt's came to stay the night too. We've also, finally, gotten all of her parents stuff moved over from Idaho. Of course the unpacking is slow going with me doing school again, with the recent string of bad pain days, and trying to get things settled. 

Speaking of unpacking and trying to get things settled, I have most of the kitchen unpacked and put away. But I'm running into wall a little bit because I have our things and Amanda's parent's things. I don't have room for both. We have to go through all of it, decide what Cathy wants to keep and pack it away for the garage, and I will probably get rid of the stuff that doesn't work for us any more.  And on that note, Amanda and I dug several book boxes out from the garage. She did most of the carrying in and unpacking. We put the manga in the living room on one side of the fire place and will be placing the pagan books on the other. Paperbacks and hardbacks of fiction and some non-fiction went up to our bedroom and reference, language, and writing books went to the office/guest room. we're going through them to see if there are some we want take to a thrift store or a book exchange place. We have some touch ups to do in the living and dining room as far as painting goes, but we haven't really found the time or energy for that, plus, anytime we get a minute, we're asses on sofa, taking time to relax. We will get to it. 

School is going well. The actual class time and the time it takes me to do homework aren't that long, what takes the most time are the 15 hours a week that I have to do at the help desk and giving tours of the school on Second Life. It's how I earn my full scholarship. I don't mind doing it, I actually enjoy it, and there are long periods where no one is around so I can do homework, all I have to do is keep an eye out for anyone coming on screen or "into the lobby". 

Apart from all that, I wanted to share some goals I've made for myself this year. I've got a lot I want to do and some will get done in time, some I can start on now. 

1.  Get the house settled

2. Start saving for the things we want to do and repairs to the house

3. Set up the office

4. Set up my Vanity area

5. Work on the front and back yards

6. Finish the living and dining room

7. Get my ass writing again

8. Get reading more

9. Craft time

10. Start a Vlog (I've been talking about doing this for awhile, time to just do it)

11. Have more alone time with Amanda.

Lastly, my depression is getting interesting. I've been having episodes of crying and I'm not sure why. Perhaps its the tension trying to release in a new way. Doing morning devotionals with the school is helping a little, but I've had more panic attacks in the last couple of months than usual, which I don't like. I am hoping things will even out or get back to my "normal" soon.  

Explosion, meltdown, thank the gods for Amanda and friends

The last couple of months have difficult and stressful, I've whined, ranted, and bitched enough about on this blog for everyone who reads it to have a very clear picture. 

Well, I have been trying really hard to hold it together, to get things done, and push myself into a positive- more happy state of mind. Amanda is having a hard time too and I want to support her 100% especially because she does so much and works so hard. Try as I could, bits of crying and doom and gloom eked out. It eked out of her too and yesterday I lost it. 

I awoke feeling awful, in pain, and ready to cry the moment I opened my eyes. We watched some anime for a an hour and tried to get started with the house- since it was Amanda's day off after working 8 in a row. Well, neither of us were doing so great and so we were slow to get going. It didn't help that they've already started tearing up the apartment above us there were constant loud bangs, thumps, and stomping. It was starting to drive me nuts. So I left to go get our marriage licence while Amanda began getting the living room ready to move our bed into it. We want to use our bedroom to put all the packed boxes in so they are out of the way. 

Anyway, I drove all the way downtown and when I arrived I realized that Amanda needed to be with me and that I didn't have change for the parking meter. On top of that it seemed like a lot of people were driving erratically n the highway. Which, really doesn't help the dream like feeling I was experiencing. The drive home wasn't good and the closer I got to home, the more angry I became. Stop and go traffic on the highway with people zipping in and out around me doesn't ever help that situation.  

When I finally got in the apartment, I told Amanda not to freak out I needed to scream. Then I just let it out. I realized after that the windows were open and that I'd freaked out the cats. The cats I cared about the neighbors can go fuck themselves. But that seemed to have been the tipping point because I began crying and couldn't stop. It got bad, really bad. I don't know what it is that happens in my brain when I slip into a sobbing session like that, what it is that makes me kind of half panic, but I start scratching. I had chewed my fingernails down just in case, but that didn't seem to matter. I was still scratching a little. Amanda sat me down and held my hands and talked to me, helped me remember to breathe. After awhile I calmed down enough to get up and go to the bathroom.

While I was in there, the panic started to ramp up again but I kind of went half numb. It was very weird. I hear Amanda call her Mom and hear her crying. She was so upset. This is supposed to be a happy time, we're getting married, its shouldn't be like this- this is what I can remember- and at that point everything bottomed out. I can't stand to hear her cry like that. I can't stand for her to be that upset, hurting this much.  I just. I have a problem with self harm. I never attack anyone else, just myself. I punched my legs, I scratched the hell out of my stomach but it was kind of like I wasn't there, only half there. Its hard to describe. Then when I realized what I was doing, I freaked even more because I don't want to be like that, I don't want to do these things. 

I got myself to calm down a little, enough to get out of the bathroom. I told Amanda I was going to put clean sheets on the bed, then make dinner, but I needed to do something first. She said okay. I came out to the living room and got on facebook because I knew we both needed help not just with the wedding and packing up the apartment. Only I sat there for half an hour unable to ask because I am terrified that my negative energy, my negativity and crazy will bog others down. I do not want to be a burden ever. I already feel like one some of the time. The longer I sat, the darker my thoughts became. I was crying again but not so bad per se. 

Amanda came out and wanted to know how I was doing. I told her I was having bad thoughts. She asked if I could share them with her, I did and she went to go change clothes because she was going to take me to the hospital. I freaked out. Mostly because I was afraid that they would just drug me up and send me home or keep me and then not let me leave and then I would be stuck in there and miss my wedding. 

Amanda got me calmed down from that. I decided I needed to talk to my friend Chris and go fora  short drive. I ended up at the gas station to get cigarettes. I felt better by the time I got home. We decided to call and check on another friend and see how she was doing and then twenty minutes later she was here and we talked about so much stuff. I felt so much better afterward. Exhausted, but better. I hope Amanda and our friend did too. 

Today, I feel almost back to normal. The bulk of the weight I was feeling is gone and I can breathe again. I think more clearly and feel more grounded and stable. I'm going to talk to my therapist about what happened. I think I am okay, at least for now and hopefully for a long time. I want to focus on the wedding and be happy, and help Amanda have a good and happy experience. This is an exciting time for us, we should be caught up in it not bogged down with borderline depression.     

Consulting the Skulls, More Sad News, and formulating plans for battle

While the cats are in the window enjoying the birds and squirrels, I've been beginning my day with a bit of the normal routine. E-mail has been checked, facebook messages have been checked, coffee is being consumed, and Amanda has been driven to the bus stop, all the while I've bitch slapped the depression monster. I'm not sure what makes my ability to do it this morning different from other times, perhaps its because I'm angry. 

Recently, because I've been fascinated with horoscopes and astrology, I finally sat down and did a couple of "find out your signs" calculators online. I did a couple to test that the information was correct. What I was looking for was my ascendant/ rising sign. I already know my sun sign is Pisces (A water sign) and that my moon sign is Aries (a fire sign). After plugging in all the info, I learned that my ascendant/rising sign is Leo (a fire sign). My first thought was "SHIT"! I'm water and double fire?! And then I realized that makes a lot of sense in how I approach and handle things in life. Also, my mother is a Leo and my father is a Gemini. I would like to learn more and thankfully, I have a couple of friends who really like astrology as well as the internet as some books. It is time. 

not my photo

A couple of nights ago, while my depression monster was singing me her favorite poisonous songs, I decided it was time to consult the universe, Gods, Ether, what have you for just a general "What do I need to know?" Normally I would use a tarot deck, but for some reason I felt pulled to draw from this oracle. LET GO was the main message. That's one of the hardest things for me, but I am trying. 

The sad news is that neither of my parents will be attending the wedding. I think there is more going on than either of my parents are telling me. They don't like to worry me, but that worries me even more. Especially when my Dad tells me over text that he is sorry that life seems to be imploding for both of us. With his and Mom's depression, I'm more than a little worried. But basically, Mom was scared to navigate airports alone. Being a tiny woman who is half deaf who also has health issues, that's more than a little scary. So, we are in the process of getting her to the doctor to get a statement saying that she can't fly due to health reasons so Delta will refund her ticket. Because really, if she was alone and had a seizure, she'd end up in a hospital with no insurance and Dad would have to go get her and that would just be a mess.  So, yeah. 

We were outside when my next door neighbor got home last night and told her the sad news of our impending move. She was pissed and sad too. She likes us. We are relatively quiet and nice and don't bother anyone. She said we should fight them. She also said she can point out all the apartments who's tenants who are fraudulently staying here. That's depressing. She also asked us why we only for 30 days to move out when everyone else got 120 days. We don't know the answer to that. I don't want to ask or poke the bears down in the office lest they decide to revoke the $1800.00 they are giving us for relocation costs. I'm sure part of that money is to shut us up, to make sure that we don't bitch to who ever about it. But little do they know that they pissed off the wrong Witch. I know we have wanted to get the hell out of here, I know that we haven't liked dealing with them and their lack of professionalism and care of the property, but we wanted to move out on our own terms when we were ready, not be forced out during the month of our wedding. After we have moved, after we have that check and have cashed it, I'm raising hell. Every one I have talked to about it says to do it, which keeps me from mentally making excuses for their behavior and backing down to be the doormat who gets shit wiped on her. No, not this time. There will be reviews left on every apartment website. There will be a message sent to the local news paper about them and the housing authority. I won't be talking about just our experience but that of my friend who was forced to live with cockroaches for two months because they couldn't get their shit together. It's on.... just after my wedding.

So while I will be formulating the best course of action to take for that piece of business, I am going to spend today making a plan as to how I want to pack up my apartment. I need to make somewhat of a meal plan so I know what groceries to get, and I need to make a list of things to do apartment wise, as well as what's left to be done for the wedding. I am hoping that today  I can get my hair bleached and dyed as well. I've already sent off the information to our lender to see if we can get pre-approved for a home loan and am waiting to hear back on that.  Aside from that, I'm just going to try and relax today. I might be mostly ready mentally to start doing things, but I feel like shit physically and need to calm down and not over do it or I won't be good for anything. The one thing I hate most is sitting around and watching everyone else do the hard work. I feel like a giant ass hole when that happens. But, it is what it is.