She's my Mom, but not.

 

Izumi Curtis From Fullmetal Alchemist.

In much the same way my Mom is a lot like Izumi Curtis- that take no shit, will kick your ass if you cross her, but would also sacrifice whole parts of her self to bring her child back from death, she is not Izumi, and she's less and less the mother I grew up with. To say it's been upsetting is an understatement and while I know some parties would basically tell me it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it- my Dad included- it doesn't meant that isn't heart breaking. That is doesn't leave me wracking my brain with questions of "how do I help", "how do I fix this", and or, "is there anything can be done to make this easier on, at least my Dad"?  

Some time ago, I'm not even sure when, covid really kind of blurred time for me a bit, not just in me having it earlier this year, but the whole pandemic- my Mom's episodes got drastically worse. I've been down to visit them and each time she is worse than she was before. But, in one of her episodes in the last several years, she had a stroke. While the doctors can find no evidence of it- not that that means anything, because my Grandpa had one and had the paramedics not seen him have while taking him to the ER, they wouldn't have known he was having one or had one. There is other evidence denoting a stroke in that one side of her face sags a little and her behavior changed. Strokes run in her family. Her mother had one but her maternal grandmother, my Great Grandma Early, had nine. I don't know about anyone else in the family, I wasn't as into genealogy when my mother's grandparents were still alive and I didn't know them very well. I only saw them twice before they died. (I did like them though and Great Grandpa and I shared a birthday)

My Mom isn't really a selfish person, not in the way most people would think. She could be ever once in a great while, but at the same time, she wasn't completely. She is now. It's like something broke in her brain and there is no filter, no buffer, and if she knew how she was behaving and some of the things she's said, I know she would be ashamed of herself. 

It's not all bad and she's not turned into some monster. You see it more in conversation and some of her actions. Today, she was pissed that her soap opera was being interrupted because Queen Elizabeth the II died and the media outlets are covering it. Yes, it is huge news, its going to get covered, but my Mom said "She wasn't my queen, I don't care, I want to watch my show". Which before, she'd still be annoyed by the media circus, but there would be some note of sadness for the family at least and a note of respect for the dead (unless they were a monster, which Queen Elizabeth II wasn't). 

You can see it in the arguments between her and my Dad over when she goes to bed. She says she's an adult, which is true, but if Dad doesn't get her to go to bed and have at least 6-8 hours of sleep, the likelihood of her triggering an episode goes up substantially. Which means he has to stay home to take care of her and miss work, which puts them in financial stress. Honestly, it is a mess of a cycle and she's not able to see the correlation anymore. Yes, she still has episodes even if she gets sleep, but they aren't as frequent and sometimes, not as bad.  Before she could be reasoned with. But without that filter, she can't seem to make the connections. And her OCD is compounded! If she decides she is going to do something, there isn't anyone or anything that is going to stop her. That said usually Dad can talk her into not doing whatever it is she wants to do, but if she'd in the lead up to an episode, he can't. He tries.

Her memory isn't as good as it used to be, which is also a worry.  

It's always in the littlest ways that it sneaks up. I'm now afraid to talk about much with her and guard my conversations. I don't talk about a lot of what we've been up to, mostly if we've gone shopping for something, because she say 'yeah, we need to get this and that and..." and there is a laundry list of stuff that they may or may not need and she starts to obsess over it where she wouldn't have before. I don't talk about some of the vents we go to or help organize because I don't want her to let it slip to Grandma, my Dad's Mom who is 94, that I am Pagan and not Christian. We've already had an instance this year of her freaking out over Selene and I being married and let's just say it was upsetting.

And today she was after me to mail a dragon necklace she sent me home with, back to her. She doesn't have much, but she does have some nice things she wants to pass on to me when she dies (my whole family talks about stuff they are passing on, it's morbid AF, but I am so used it, it hardly phases me much any more, and I always tell them I would much rather have them over stuff) and she'd chosen that to be jewelry. Anyway, we do a sort of swap share thing where we will swap necklaces or earrings for a time, usually a couple of years, and then trade again next time we meet up. We're probably not going to meet up for several more months. I don't mind doing it.  

Also today, she was fussing at me to embroider 'something' for her. Usually she calls it her 'dragon shirt like Shi-chan's (my cousin)', because she likes it so much. She was even talking about paying me. No, she'd not going to pay me, I won't let her. I've just been super busy, which she would know if I told her half the stuff I am doing. I told her I would get to it soon. Sooner than she thinks. 

But every once in a while she has some really good days where she's almost who I grew up with. And then the next time I talk with her, reality slaps me in the face. 

I am mourning the person she was, it seems like all the time, off and on. I am frustrated that neither of my parents will let me help them. I've offered to sell my house and move back home and baby sit my Mom while she has episodes so Dad can work. I've tried offering to help with disability paperwork, but they have applied and apparently don't qualify. They also can't afford to get the medical documentation- the further medical documentation they need to get it. They have gone as far as their limited income and my grandma's help can take them, and we're just in limbo watching her get worse. She actually confessed that she is afraid she's going to have a bad episode and not wake up. That's scarry for me and I can't imagine what it would be like for her, scared I don't think covers it. I'm not going to get into my frustration and anger with her doctors. 

Her neurologist and primary care physician at least have some decency. The neurologist dropped her, not because he didn't want to help, but because he doesn't know anything more, exhausted his resources, tried everything he could think of, and didn't want to keep charging them money he knew they really couldn't afford. He talked with mom's pcp at length over everything and wished them the best. Which is more than any other doctor I've seen do in a long time. Mom's pcp is doing what she can as well, but no one knows what is causing these episodes or even what they are. They have never seen anything like it. They even thought, once, it might have be psychological, because brains are weird and complicated. But they aren't sure because the working theory for that isn't exactly panning out. 

Whatever this is, all I do know for sure, is that my Mom isn't getting the adequate health care she needs and I'm truly scared she's going to die because of it. And I am scared my Dad will just fall apart. And in the meantime, this is what we are given. There is no lesson to be learned from this and I don't think everything happens for a reason. I don't think Mom's childhood is causing it, or that she did something bad in a past life that she's paying for karmically. Shit just happens and usually to good people, who don't deserve it. It fucking pisses me off. It's the biggest injustice of the universe and today, I think the universe can go fuck itself.