Might be nuts, but at least I am a nice person... or so they say.

Art by Annie Stegg 

Sometime last year, I attempted to post a blog, and gave up. 

Last year was, in a word, dumb. 
This year isn't much better. 

But this year, this year I've said 'no' without guilt and it was kind of nice.

A quick-ish update:
1. I've lost a little over 100 lbs. I still have a ways to go, but I've stalled out. You'd think it would make me feel better, have more energy, ect... No, the fibromyalgia is probably the worst it's ever been. My back hurts even more and now my upper back is giving me some crap. My favorite part, my tail bone injury from childhood no longer has as much fat cushion around it and now sitting is oh so fun. I even got a pillow for hips and tailbone, because my hips have been hurting as well. The pillow only helps a little. I'm stuck in this weird 'I really need to switch to a regular sized chair so I have adequate back support, but I'm still fat'. Sleeping in bed is more painful. It's freaking weird. 

2. I caught my foot on my purse strap getting out of the car and crashed into the pavement knee first. I fell so hard my legs did that scorpion thing. My knee cap likes to slip back and forth when I am laying in bed on my stomach sometimes. And then I got staph infection despite how careful we were with taking care of the mess.

3. Took a long time for me to accept that a person I once called a friend, is a narcissist. Everybody likes to throw that term around, I know, but they truly are. Worse, I realized when this person realized that I wasn't quite falling for shit, they began quietly tearing me down and while fawning over my wife. And when we saw too much or got too close or something, this person dropped us like hot potatoes and slipped into another community. They have this pattern of swooping into a community, becoming the bell of the ball, the generous benefactor and or at least fucking the person in charge and when they don't get what they want or people shut them down hard, or they realize people see them for who they are, they hide away and then quietly move to another community to repet the same pattern. I have seen it happen 4 times. It is so bad, people around town say "oh you got 'person's name'ed'.  

How charming. 

Yeah, bitch, I saw you. I see you. And I do not forget. 

Not that they will read this but I feel better now. 

4. I worked my ass off vending- just 5 events, 2 of them were 2 day events, and all of them were disappointing. Last year seemed to be a rough one for vending. I have decided, no more summer events, no more 2 day events, and I also put my store on hiatus, because between that and organizing NWPF, Coven stuff, and health crap and pain, and taking care of the house, I burnt out.

5. To add insult to injury, just as the year turned over into 2025 my Grandmother passed away. It was as peaceful as it could have been and my parents and Aunt were with her. She helped raise me. On one hand I am glad she didn't live to see the world today. On the other, I can't seem to remove her number from my phone. I've been having dreams about her house, upsetting ones. They aren't full on nightmares, but the people who show up at her house in them, make me really uncomfortable, and it is usually after I have bought her house myself.  

When I tried grief counseling, the fucking social worker didn't believe me about my diagnosis from an actual therapist/psychiatrist. Her exact words were "Are you sure you have BPD, I'm not getting that from you at all". Well, that's because I mask really well and have done a lot of work. In fact...

6. I spent a whole month on my parents sofa when I went down for Grandma's funeral. Without my main depression medication. So, I was super raw and could not seem to get myself to leave their house except to go to the viewing, the funeral, her house, and once to get dinner with my Dad. The rest of the time, I soaked up as much parent time as possible. While my mom was having an episode (no no one has figured that out yet, they aren't even trying anymore), my Dad and I were talking. I don't even really remember what about. He said to me "you've done more work on yourself in the last 20 years than most people do in their entire lives, if anyone should have self confidence, it's you." 

I cried.

My family doesn't really dole out compliments and usually when I got them from people outside the core, they wanted something, so I have always been suspicious of compliments. Anyway, for him to say that, it's a big deal. 

And more recently, he told me I am a genuinely nice person when I was venting about being frustrated with something and people and not wanting to hurt someone's feelings.  

7. I've been to the ER recently. I haven't felt well, but I almost passed out three days in a row, all while doing different things. Apparently, I have pneumonia of some kind and didn't realize it because I ALWAYS feel this shitty. I'm finished with the antibiotics and don't feel any better or worse. 

8. I got scolded by a nice doctor, a stand in for my regular doctor, because I have a high pain tolerance. He told me he didn't like that, because people with high pain tolerances don't get help when they need it. Really, no shit?! This is what happens when the medical system is broken, when doctors over prescribed pain meds in the 90's and killed a bunch of people and others got addicted to meds. After seeing the hell my mother has gone through, I just don't ask. Besides, all that shit knocks me out and I can't get anything done. Not to mention where I live and the clinic I have to go to... they probably get a lot of people trolling for pills.  The clinic, great place, mostly nice doctors who do give a shit, they are just extremely limited in what they can do. Which is why I keep getting referred out to places I can't afford. Which is why I have not been able to go to physical therapy for my foot or my knee or my ankles. I simply cannot afford it and so I have to try to figure it out on my own, just like I have to do with grief, just like I have to do pretty much all my health related problems.  

9. That said, a new joy has sprung up in the health/pain department. When I move a lot of the time, I hear and feel things snap. It happens in my feet, in my sternum, in my back, in my groin. My joints cracking almost every time I move is a little concerning, but the snapping and the dull ache sometimes throbbing pain afterwards, that's kind of new, and that it is happening more and more, is really alarming. I want to talk to my doctor about it but I don't know what the hell she could do except refer me out to someone else that I can't afford. 

10. We had shitpocolipse last year. The sewer backed up into our roommate's bedroom and that is how we found the fucking floor drain. The bastards who owned our home previously not only covered it with carpet but carpet padding to make an "extra" room and try to boost the value of the house. I thought maybe it was under the washer. No. So, we had to have most of the basement gutted, due to it suddenly being a lvl 3 biohazard, and that took forever. Our roommate lost her bedroom space and had to move out into her living room area. I felt really bad, but it's not something I can really help. 

11. Still organizing NWPF. It's our 4th year. Selene and I are still doing the moot as well. I've been taking a few classes here and there to learn some new skills to apply to my shop when I can get it up and running again. I am so tired. I really needed the break. I really needed to work on some other things. 

12. The state of the world, the state of my country- disgusts me. We used to joke that when the aliens drive by earth they roll up the windows and lock the doors. If it wasn't true before, I think it's true now, and the ones we are seeing (if that's what they really are), are the drunk college kid aliens playing chicken with us for fun. 

13. The cats are doing pretty good. Thorin needs a dental cleaning, but then again, so do we all. 

Kind of hard not to be pessimistic, but the Norwegian saying of  "I'm up and not crying," is as good as it gets today and that's actually a good thing! 
I have no idea if I will keep this up or not.