Voltron, EMDR, and Writing

Voltron: Legendary Defender

Firstly, I'm feeling a little bit better. Time helps ease a lot of things, not all, but some. And so, I felt up to another attempt of returning to the blogosphere. 

Amanda and I have been watching a show on Netflix called Voltron: Legendary Defender. I'm not the biggest fan of robot cartoons and anime, but Amanda's cousin Kat recommended it when it first began airing and we were hooked. Immediately, I fell for Takashi Shirogane or Shiro, he's the leader and Paladin of the Black Lion. Amanda adored Keith and Lance. to be honest, we love all five Paladins, they are diverse and wonderful. But more than that, we enjoyed that the writers of the show have done something amazing. Pidge, who pretended to be a boy to get info on her lost family, and then comes out to the team as a girl (most of them already knew and didn't care), is never referred to as male or female in the show before or after that. She's just Pidge.  The show also shows Shiro dealing- or not really dealing- with some PTSD, some racism. More recently, the writers confirmed one of the characters is, in fact, gay, and was planning to get married prior to a long mission and that he also has some kind of invisible illness that would eventually ruin his career as a pilot. But even though at least one character has to know for sure about his orientation, its never a big deal. It;s so fucking refreshing and when I learned that this character is, in fact, gay, I just about cried. And apparently said character's voice actor knew about since season 2. It's wonderful representation. Plus the show is just damn good! I love the fight scenes for Voltron and the Paladins. The music adds that fun scifi flavor, and voice actors are all very talented and fun people! 

Last night, while Amanda was apply for another job on my computer (because I have MSword and she doesn't) I borrowed her tablet computer and drew Shiro. It was a quick draw and from memory. I'm not a very good artist, but that's not too terrible. Maybe I will do something more concentrated later. 

Also on the Voltron front, I am writing an RP with cousin Kat. She's writing for Keith and Shiro and I'm writing for all my characters. It has been a lot of fun and helped me cope with a lot of what's going on- most certainly a welcome distraction. 

EMDR therapy. My therapist decided in conjunction of CBT and DBT, we're going to try EMDR. She said its going to be rough and hard, but she thinks it will help. So far its made me a bit more emotional, but that's to be expected. I'm confronting the crap thats been 'traumatic' and trying to desensitize it so it doesn't affect me so terribly. The trouble is recognizing and admitting those thing as trauma- which is very difficult for me to do. And we've been talking about a lot different things, like my talent for stuffing and avoiding some issues in my life. 

The topic of writing came up one session. It's what I love. Its a challenge and is as fun as it is frustrating. Mostly writing, when I am able to focus, makes me happy. Often times I get bogged down by life stuff, social events, the fact that we have a constant stream of company in one shape or another, fibro and back pain, to shut enough life off to do what I need to get my ass in gear to write. About half of that is my own doing and half of that is out of my control. However, when I am hurting the most, I find that I retreat into writing. A friend said I get obsessive. Amanda mentioned once that I needed to find balance and another friend agreed. My therapist worried that I used writing to avoid life. All of that made me upset. In my head I thought, people say they want me to be happy, but they want to complain about the thing that makes me happy and keeps me sane, I don't get it. And how does anyone think books come to be unless there's a writer out there who obsessed a little over their work? Also, I need as much encouragement and assurance right now and this has all been the opposite of that. 

Amanda and I talked about it again and I told her how I felt. I mentioned that its not like I'm writing 24/7. I need breaks to recharge my brain. I need sleep. I need food, to move around, to clean and do other stuff. I'm not hurting anyone or bothering anybody, except to maybe prattle on about a story or something, but who cares as long as I am happier? Why would anyone want to diminish that. It is confusing. That people have issue with it, even a little bit, harkens back to the idea that my only value can be found in what I can do for other people and that by not doing what other people want or think I should be doing, I am somehow wrong, in trouble, and need to put everything I want/need/love aside for everyone else's wants/needs. Which really isn't fair to me. So, I'm trying to not let it bother me anymore. I won't get what I want if I keep letting other people dictate how things should be.  

 

Last night

Last night was awful. I finally laid down in bed with Amanda and I fell asleep fairly quickly, which was nice. But then I woke up an hour and half later. the bedroom had been warm and apparently I had been hot enough to sweat but then I woke with a fever. I was freezing! It was so bad that that everything tensed and seized up, there was so much pain. I could barely get out of bed, grab a blanket, and make it out to the living room. In effort to warm up, I grabbed a ginger ale and the aleve and sat in front of our little space heater until the medicine kicked in. 

I was so tried but couldn't quite sleep so I spent a couple hours looking at things on the internet. Finally I sat on the sofa, put my feet up, and managed to fall into an exhausted, hard sleep. I missed having coffee with Amanda, missed seeing her off to work, and didn't wake up until around 8:30 this morning. I feel better, but I am so tired and still a bit achy. There are some things I want to do today like the dishes and I want to write a little, cook something nice for dinner, but I may have to take a nap. I'm a little hungry too but I don't know if I have the energy to cook myself something for lunch. I kind of wanted to make grilled cheese and tomato soup, but I think I will just eat a little bowl of salad and call that good for now. 

Aside from that, I missed my medication the other night and yesterday was sassy, a little manic, and well, very opinionated. I apologized to my friend Rachel about it and she said it was fine that she actually liked me like that and having more opinions. She's not the first person who has told me they like me better without my meds. The first day without them is fine, but the next is awful. No, worries, I made sure to get them before bed last night. But still, why is my less reserved, more opinionated, sassy behavior more preferable to? I don't always feel good when that happens. I feel less in control of myself and think less about what I say and I am certainly less calm. I've never understood it really.  

Territory, Warm Mochi, and Shit!

Don't fuck with my friends!

Mostly people, if they are paying attention, can pick up that I am territorial. I'm territorial of my space, sometimes my time, and most certainly of my family and loved ones. I can be territorial of my friends too, but mostly, I'm super protective and that's not something I share often, because as Fiona remarked once, I can get really intense. Of course, I don't think Fiona has ever had someone get really fucking angry over how certain people in her life treat her. 

So, while I have been helping Rachel with her kettle corn stand at the farmer's markets, I've done a lot of people watching. People are so fucking snooty and rude. Yesterday some woman gave Rachel a dirty look and she said something to me about it. I was in the middle of eating my lunch of mushroom, carrots, the apple cinnamon oatmeal cup thing I made, and one Mochi. Mochi is a Japanese sweet treat made of rice flower and sweet red bead curd in the middle. Since it was warm out, so too was the Mochi. Anyway, I asked Rachel if she wanted me to go throw my Mochi at the woman. I told her I couldn't guarantee that I'd actually hit her, but I'd give it my best shot. She thought that was funny. But I was hot, tired, aching, and had run through most of my "nice, pleasant, polite, sweetness" that I generally endeavor to operate on. Point of fact, put me out in summer heat, in mostly direct, bright sunlight, lots of noise, screaming/ whining children, and barking dogs, then add rude people into that, and I start getting cranky. Mostly it's the heat and sunlight. I hate being hot and I have a sensitivity to light plus the stupid sun allergy and no that's not me simply being Goth and Vampire centric. That's me being cranky and pissed that someone was giving my friend a dirty look.

I had another moment of that today while I was covering another farmer's market for Rachel. She had something she had to do today so she prepopped or me last night and dropped me and the stuff off today. Well, an old man was bitching and actually said he was going to have to get after Rachel for there being burnt kernels of kettle corn in every bag he picked up. Okay, no. The kernels weren't burnt. They were barely brown and if he really had a problem with it, I would have happily handed his money back to him. It wasn't really what he said, it was how he said it. But since this is Rachel's business, I plastered a smile on my face and mentally punched him. 

As the afternoon wore on, I ended up taking out the notebook in my purse and started working on scenarios in which I worked the snoots into a story idea in which they met a grisly end or unfavorable fate. It was a great way to vent my frustration and pass the time. The market was slow. Really slow. Slow enough that I was able to read 30 pages in novel, people watch, and write short bits.

The really shit parts of my day consisted of listening to my Dad vent about my Mom and knowing exactly how he feels and at the same time knowing that on some level my Mom can't help some of it. Still, when you are there, dealing with it, it gets very overwhelming.  Then I got a letter in the mail about my student loans informing me that I have to pay a portion or all of the interest by July 31st and I just got them deffered because I can't pay them at the moment. I haven't had a chance to read the letter in detail, I just skimmed through it. And I got a big packet from them too, which makes me nervous. I am still having pains in my stomach around the surgery incisions. Surely I should be completely healed up in that department by now.

On a happier note I got to cuddle with Thorin for quite a while this morning. He was by the door when I got home too.  Tomorrow I am going to do some stuff for me while I recuperate from the last two days. I was thinking about setting up on the sofa to watch anime and cuddle with the cats. I thought about keeping the curtains closed and turning the air conditioner down to about 65 so I could curl up with a soft blanket and pillows too. I have Green Tea ice cream and Sangria sorbet for treats if I want something sweet. Oh and I made bread the other night, so I can make grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch! 

Death Parade, Pissed off Grandma a little bit, a world of anger, frustration, and hurt, can't stop crying.

I really want snow, even more than I did the last time I posted. 

Amanda and I have begun watching Death Parade. It;s an interesting anime about beings who judge where people go when they die. 

In other news I pissed off my Grandma by saying that my friend Felicia's eldest sister insisting that she take her Autistic and probably psychopathic daughter to church will basically be a cure all wasn't going to help anything or be worth it. I said that church can't and won't fix her. My reasoning is that the person going to church has to want to go, has to have a desire for it help. The child in question doesn't care about anything or anyone but herself. Its not her fault, mentally she just doesn't operate that way. What is important is getting her into extensive therapy so she doesn't end up hurting herself or those around her in the mean time and in the long term, doesn't end up dead or in jail.

Speaking of said child, I admit to hating her last night. I allowed myself to hate her for a few hours, let myself feel that emotion, and told myself that I could be irrational and selfish but that tomorrow- which is now today- I needed to let that go. So far so good. The reason for my hostile feelings spring from the fact that Felicia and her husband told us last night that they are moving back to Arizona. It all boils down to their eldest daughter. Felicia is the first person since I left Kansas that I could feel completely relaxed around, let my guard down around, and she didn't judge me for just being me. She's my soul sister and I got attached her and her family, and now they are leaving. So, I can't stop crying. I cried the whole way home from their house, I cried a couple of times last night, and I've cried off and on all morning. Felicia admitted to me last night that she is worried about me. Yeah, well, so is my therapist to be honest. 

I've seen some upsetting things on the internet- mostly facebook- the last couple of days. Someone shared a video of speech by some guy of a group called Alt-Right. I saw hitler salutes in the vid, I heard disturbing things said, and I was left a little scared and disgusted. I can't believe in this day and age, when this fucking planet has so much going for it, there is still so much racism. I've seen a story abut a little black boy getting attacked too. Hate crimes are on the rise, there was even a guy in South Africa who was kidnapped and two white men tried to stuff him in a coffin. Who does that to a person?! On top of it, there's all the crap happening in South Dakota with the stupid pipeline. Plice are spraying Native Americans with water cannons, shooting them with rubber bullets, and mace and just because they want to protect water. I am tried of racism, politics, stupid people, and I just want snow. 

On a more positive note, I now have a gynocologist. Amanda took the day off to go with me because I don't want to go alone. Still working on a new doctor. I have to wait until the office is open again and go fill out a medical records release form, have my doctor fax my records to the new doctor where he will look them over and let me know if he wants to take me on or not. 

Other than that, I did do a little black friday shopping today. I went to Joann's fabic and craft store and spent 35 dollars and apparently saved 106 dollars. I basically just got some supplies for xmas/yule presents, found a couple of Halloween clearance items, found 5 sewing patterns (they had a 5 for 5 dollars sale), and got the heck out of there.   

Restless dreams, the mermaid, and the nap.

I awoke early this morning feeling simply awful. I imagine I feel like the little girl in Spirited Away when she runs down the stairs at full speed and slams into a stone wall. I had a migraine too, but I think I caught it early enough that the medicine I took is helping. So, I will be able to take a nap in just a little bit, to kind of take the edge off how exhausted I am. It's so weird to say that I am exhausted and its not quite 8 am yet. Some days are just full of suck. To add to that, I had shitty, upsetting dreams highlighting the crap I learned yesterday from a friend. Not only was that not a good conversation, but trying to keep myself calm while on the phone with said friend was a bit difficult. Trying to keep it reigned in afterward was a bit difficult as well.

To distract myself from how awful I feel, I got on facebook to just putter around. That was a mistake. Not only was I reminded of something going on between two really good friends of mine, but I saw that Italy had a big earthquake. We don't have cable or even local channels and despite Amanda working at the newspaper, we don't have a subscription. I also don't go to news sites because well, I have depression and reading or watching the news just makes said depression worse. Ignorance isn't bliss, but sometimes it is necessary to help the healing process for a bit.  Anyway, I saw something else which infuriated me. Apparently, the lovely folks of my state have deemed it okay to kill an endangered pack of wolves because they are eating cows. Okay, I get it, a farmer loses revenue when a wolf eats a cow, but killing the wolves is not going really going to help. When you remove a predator from the area, other creatures normally kept in check are allowed to flourish and they can cause more of a problem in the long run- you know like potentially eating all the resources your cows eat. More than that, if we start saying it is okay to kill an endangered species for this reason, then that just opens up the door to kill more endangered species for what ever reason we deem fit. 

Of course, 9 times out of 10, I will take an animals side over a humans. But I like animals a lot better than I like people. Even possums, which I think are soulless and kind of freak me out, but that's a different story for a different day.  

I like mermaids too, hence the picture above, but that is also to because I am trying to soothe myself and bring a sense of calm to myself this morning before I make the gamut of phone calls I need to make. I want to talk to my Mom or my Dad, check on my Grandma, call Felicia back from yesterday, check on a friend, and talk to the doctors office. Thankfully, not all of those have to be long drawn out conversations. 

Other than that, I feel a little disjointed and not all together. There's a sense of being pulled in several different directions all at once, all these directions demand my attention. They are things I feel called to do, things I want to do, and things I need to do. Its very frustrating. But it is what it is and I will figure it out. After breakfast and after a nap. I think I am finally tried enough now to really get some sleep.

Making way for better health physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

mandeemaggot23's The Zen Goth

It has been a couple of days since since my last post and while some of the things I am addressing in this one aren't new topics for my blog, for some friends, and certainly not for myself, they need to be solidified here. I can be impulsive, generally speaking in good ways. For instance, I might have a wild idea for an afternoon jaunt (that's being spontaneous, I know) and sometimes I might say, what the hell at the grocery store. But most of the time I tend to take a long time to really think about and process something before I do it, especially the bigger things, like being healthier in all areas of my life.  I''m going to break it down, more for myself than for you, to make sure I get to all the "big" things, and I will start with the easiest. 

Physical health. I love food. I love to try different tastes and recipes and then to tweak recipes or create my own. No, I don't want to be a chef- my Aunt Melody thought I should go to culinary school but I thought it would take the joy and love right out of cooking. There has been a bit of contention in the food department as of late. A friend wants Amanda and I to lose weight with her. I am on board for that, support from friends is wonderful. However, this friend is determined that we are going to go about it exactly the way she does it. That does not work for me. It never has in the past and worse, I actually gained weight in going about it the way she wants to go about it. I know what works best for me and I am going to do it whether or not she approves. But the sad thing is, this friend has been kind of lecturing us, and kind of making us feel bad. On top of that, she is pushing where to buy certain things. Amanda and I are going to have to shut her down. It can't just be me. It has to be Amanda too, partly because we've had friends try to get their way by  asking one of us (generally the one they know will say yes) to giving them what they want. I'm tired of that crap. But also because this friend needs to see that Amanda and I are a unified front and to back off.   

Aside from food, I'm going to work on getting myself moving more. I've hurt my back again and have been very exhausted lately (all things this friend also doesn't really understand). Baby steps, but they are my steps and trying to push me into too much too fast with result in a yelling match between us or me getting hurt. I don't want any of that. I am also going to be dealing with the doctor issues in the next week or so.

Spiritual health. Since leaving the IEPG council I haven't done a lot with my spiritual life. Granted some of that was due to finishing up school and a lot of things go pushed to the wayside because I was just trying to hang in there the last few weeks of my last term. There's a great sense of something missing in that aspect and I've thought about it a lot, not really sure what I wanted to do, whether or not I wanted to practice almost completely solitary (outside of Amanda) or work with a smaller, more exclusive group of friends. There is a lot that I want to learn and there is a lot that I've been given a taste of that demands further exploration. Then there are a couple of ideas tossed around or that I have had that I want to give a go. So, while there are some solitary endeavors, there are a few small group endeavors that I am hoping to lay on the table for some friends. 

Emotional and mental health. Amanda and I started implementing the zone cleaning, sort of. We had a lot to do this weekend and haven't been completely home for the start of this week. But the things we got done look great! Which has given me a boost emotionally and mentally. A house cleaned the way, I need it cleaned, helps the mental and emotional aspects of my life. Mostly because I am less overwhelmed, especially when I feel really bad physically and can't do as much as I want or need to do. It also helps in allowing me the space to work on a project without worrying that any mess from said project will only contribute to the mess.  

When I have good councilor, cognitive therapy does me a lot of good. I've found a therapist who I like so far and I am already seeing some benefit. Some of the things I have been struggling with over the last several years have been: a sense of worthlessness in that I am physically broken so I can't contribute in standard ways, a crippling lack of self confidence,  accepting my "new normal" (I still cry over the fact that I'm not supposed to vacuum and am reminded every time I try why its bad for my back), dealing with grief in several forms (I've lost privacy, some trust in people, and lost family who meant a lot to me- not just in the death sense either- and not just in the human sense), and while I adore and love the shit out of Amanda, there are times that I feel tolerated because I am her fiance, or that people like her a hell of a lot more because she's fun and kind of nuts- in a good way- more outspoken and so on. 

There have been certain situations and people who have helped to facilitate me in breaking down or who have kept me down. It's not all them, part of it is me exiting in what I knew as the norm for a long time and allowing people to keep me there. There are people in my life who have not been good for me, in that I don't like how I feel around them or how I've felt after I have been around them. Trying to change things for the better by working with them generally blows up in my face, more so from others but when someone exhibits the same behavior as other people, you have a pretty good idea of how things are going to go. Also, seeing how other people treat other people, how they bitch about people who have helped them... Sigh. Let's just say after a lot of thought, after crying over it, after being angry or upset, and over my therapist asked me to write a pros and cons list, I've decided to cut the toxic people from my life. Keeping friendships out of obligation, out of fear that they might harm themselves if I don't talk to them or spend time with them, dealing with manipulation and guilt trips, are not good quality friendships.  Why waste my time and energy on people who aren't good for me, when I can spend it on those who are? People who are kind, who don't have a five foot list of personal rules, and who don't shit on other people who did nothing wrong buy try to help them. 

So, yeah, I went through my google +, my facebook, and my blog, and removed and blocked some people. I am sure there will be a reckoning of some kind and I will deal with it when it comes. The point is, I need to stop trying to please everyone or make them happy. I need to get my own shit together and live my life instead of holding someone else's hand with the kid gloves on and being all the more miserable for it. I can't heal if I'm too busy trying to help or fix other people's problems much less allowing them to drag me down. 

  

All natural Ant death, gardening, sun burn, and Unafraid High School Hannah Came out to Play

Amanda and I have been working on getting the house cleaned, it's not like it was a total disaster, but it needed the usual picking up, sweeping, mopping, that sort of thing. I started in the kitchen yesterday since from friends were bringing over their old kitchen table for us. Our other table had a glass top which was great, except Narcisa used it as a landing platform from her cat tree, and I was afraid that one day she's go through it. So they hauled off our old table and gave us their previous kitchen table along with another small table to put on our patio. Well, Amanda moved Narcisa's food two feet closer to the wall with the window on it and by the time we came home from doing the majority of our grocery shopping (around midnight) I noticed several unwelcome trespassers. Little black ants were crawling all over Narcs'a food dish, all over the bottom of the cat tree where the dish was sitting and were taking their loot to the wall. 

I don't do bugs. Period. I tell Amanda that if she wants to save them, then she had better take care of them otherwise I will kill them. This is my house, not theirs. Well, as it happens, Amanda doesn't like ants either so we looked up natural ways to get rid of them. I found a recipe that calls for peppermint oil, vinegar, and water. They don't like it very much. But as it turns out peppermint really isn't good for cats. So I had to look for other alternatives. Apparently baking soda kills them. So I put down a layer of baking soda to get rid of the ones already in the house. When that issue is taken care of, I will put down something else as a barrier so they don't get the idea that they can just come back. I am also going to have the apartment managers spray outside the house. I don't normally like pesticides, but like I said, I do not do bugs.

We did some gardening today. We don't have the bell pepper and tomato seeds planted yet, but we'll do that soon. So far we have parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme planted. There's catnip, marigolds, bachelor buttons, pansies, and Chinese forget me nots. Amanda is putting up the holders for more sage and some lavender as I write this. I don't know whether or not she will put the lights up today or not, we are both pretty tired and sun burnt. I haven't been out as long as she has in the sun, but I did get a little burnt. It really didn't take too long either. Actually it almost seemed like the moment I stepped outside today the sun had it in for me. The good news is that I didn't break out in hives. I am itchy, but I am okay so far. I would actually like to speak with a dermatologist about this problem. Then I can send the information, if there is any, back to my Mom and my cousin Shi-Chan. 

That said last night was a bitch! 

WinCo is generally our first stop- we grocery store hop, it's like bar hopping only less fun. Amanda and I were both hurting, my back and one of her feet, by the time we were done. We didn't really have spoons when we went into the store, and certainly didn't but maybe one if that when it was checkout time. So we get in line and the line moves and some ass-hat slips in and cuts me off. The old Hannah, the Hannah who wasn't afraid to chew out wannbe gangsters in high school because she could see their underwear in the hall way, came out to play. I said "Seriously?!" loud enough for him to hear and then called him a fucking asshole. Before he could say anything, another checker opened up and called us down. So even with Amanda leaving her wallet in the car and me having to go fetch it, we got out of there before he did. (When I told my Mom about it, she said she always thought I was a cool kid. In other words, my Mom wants me to stop taking so much shit and growl at people more.)

We went to Ross next, to get a hanging shoe holder to start our herb garden with. And then we went to Walmart. Walmart didn't take too long, thankfully. We went to the gardening section and picked up some small planters, seeds, and potting soil. I found a pretty scarf with red embroidery roughly similar to what I have had an idea for, for a long time. I basically want to make a gauzy white shirt with red embroidery like Kate Beckensale's in Van Helsing. I will have to post a pic of the scarf later. 

  

But best yet, we when we went to check out, we had all these seeds and in the gardening center they had flyers posted saying that all seeds were 50% off. So they had to honor it. Of course we were at the self checkout and someone had to come help. I guess that 50% off wasn't in the system yet s they had to key everything in manually. The manager ended up just tossing 5 or 6 seed packets into our bag and telling us to continue. I was a bit surprised but I certainly wasn't going to complain considering that Amanda has left about 20 dollars worth of groceries there by accident and because she couldn't find the receipts they wouldn't give the stuff to her. So that as cool.

By the time we got home, we ate dinner, put groceries away, and then crashed on the sofa- well after we sprayed the ants. I had planned to cut up the veggies to do some meal prep for the week but I was in so much pain and my back was seizing up that I just said screw it. It looks like we might be just making dinner tonight and doing the same. We are beat!  

Pickles, Sprite, Talking to Dad, People's Park, and the New Term.

I can't remember who did this illustration, I am sure it came from deviant art... or not, I don't know. I just need something pretty and happy after the weird-ass day I've had. Yes, it's 2:30 am. Yes, I should be in bed. No, I can't sleep. Yes, I wish I could because my damn eyes are bothering me- it is time for new glasses. But since I can't and don't just want to sit and veg out in front of the TV (although the Poldark reboot marathon I had recently was really nice), I am trying to do something constructive. Yes, it should probably be homework, but I'll get to that in a few. For now, I am sipping a can of Sprite and eating a pickle, because why not?

Today was nuts! I do mean nuts! Amanda had a meeting at work (on her day off of course) and then later she was supposed to donate blood. Why she didn't, I'll get into later. Anyway, the plan was to take her to work, then find some place down town to have lunch and maybe go ride the Looff Carousel since we still have tokens. So I got up, took her to work, and to keep from paying for parking while I sat in the car, I drive over to People's park just passed Brown's Addition. I've gone there before to sit while waiting for Amanda, so no big deal right? Uh, no. Today wacky, scary, and crazy were out. 

First, I pull in and get comfortable, crack the window, and happily watched the birds and the river pass. Shortly this car pulls up near my car and as always, I happen to look over to see this mostly attractive guy smiling at me. Like really smiling... and starting. So I smile back and pick up the book I brought to read and I can feel this guys eyes still on me. Sure enough, when I look over he's just sitting there watching me. So I decided that I would put the book down and call my Dad. As soon as my Dad answers, the guy gets out of his car. So I lock my doors just to be safe, knowing that Amanda will have to get me out because her stupid door is still broken. I asked my Dad if he had time to be on the phone with while a weird person stares at me. He said he did, so we start up on of many conversations. The weird guy actually walks in front of my car, looking in like he's looking for something or waiting for me to get out and when I don't he walks up this path a little bit, stops, stands there, looks back at me, and then goes back to his car and leave. I have no idea what he was there for or what he thought I was there for, but that's just strange.

So my Dad and I are still talking about 45 mins later, about the new Star Wars movie that I still haven't seen and his thoughts on it when another strange person appears. I'm not really a person who judges other people based on what they look like. I generally try give people two interactions before deciding whether or not I want to get to know them more or not, and I'm certainly not one of those "Oh he/she is black/Hispanic/whatever so they are up to something or no good" kind of people. You simply can't judge people by looks or color or race. However, this new guy really just put me off. He was middle eastern looking, no big deal, dressed really nice, looked to be mid 20s. He was carrying what looked to be a wadded up jacket. So despite my instincts saying, "um, he seems kind of odd", I pretty much just focused on the conversation I was having with my Dad. Except I see this guy walk to the bridge, get on it, stop in the middle and stand there. I wouldn't have thought anything of it because I had thought of getting out to do the same earlier, until the guy dropped the wadded up jacket into the river. That got my attention. I watched him walk back to his car, and drive away and told my Dad. It didn't look like he had anything big enough to be say a baby or even kittens or puppies, so I am hoping it was just drugs or something like that. Needless to say I was kind of freaked and really stayed in my car. Thankfully, though, Amanda called shortly after and I had to hang up with Dad and go get her.

Really quick, I mentioned Grad school to my Dad and I told him that I knew he and Mom wouldn't approve, but I am still seriously considering it. He said he didn't care if I went to grad school, but he thinks I should take some time off between graduation and going on to Grad school to just write and really set up a routine. He said it was because I am enough like him that I can think of 97 million reasons why I need to be doing something else. It's true.

Also, my very OCD mother is driving him bonkers. He was telling me about what's going on at home and he said he wasn't trying to dump on me, he was just trying to explain what's going on and see if I had any ideas of how to handle my Mom. LOL. My poor Dad. One my Mom is very OCD, two she suffers from chronic pain and has for as long as I can remember in one form or another, and three, she's stubborn as hell. So she's miserable, her knees are have gotten bad, and she wants to exercise to get the weight off because she's gained some because her thyroid is apparently off and so on and can't do too much because of some other issues. So she gets a sharp pain and jumps which aggrivates something else and she fusses. But that's not an issue, the issue is she's in the house all day, every day. My parents are broke most of the time so they can't go to the movies like she likes, and she doesn't really like going to the park because she's a hermit and so on so she's sitting at home and everything that's wrong is cycling in her head and she's a little bored so she's pestering my Dad about this or that and generally bitchy because of the pain. I know what my Dad's frustrated with because I had to deal with it for several years before I moved away from home. It's obnoxious, it draining sometimes, and sometimes you just want to tell her to shut up and go away but you can't because her feelings get hurt. Sigh. My Mom needs a friend. Or they need to move up here because I will drag her ass out of the house whether or not she feels up to it. I'd do the same to my Dad too. Basically she needs something else to obsess over, something positive. 

Okay so the rest of the day.

Amanda and I went to Tandy Leather to check out the store and see if we'd run into a friend who works there. Our friend wasn't there but we got some really good information on a project we are thinking about taking on.
We went to Long John Silver's for lunch because very rarely eat there and was having a horrible craving for their chicken and hush puppies (a deep fried cornmeal type of thing). Amanda's only eaten there once and didn't remember it but when she tried some of my chicken she was really loving it and I told her that was why I pretty much only go there once a year. I think everything on the menu is deep fried yummy goodness. However, there is another reason why I on'y go there about once a year and that is because it gives my stomach issues at night when I want to be sleeping. I just can't do a lot of grease any more. 

After we ate, we ran over to Lane Bryant so Amanda could use her members reward. She fond a dress on clearance, yay! It looks awful on the hanger, like old granny lady looking but on her it looks super cute! She decided after that, that she didn't want to donate blood at work, she just didn't feel up to it, so we went on to Post Falls where we would visit her parents and my friend Felicia and the kids. Only to find out when we arrived and the landlord was changing her parent's lock, that her mother's purse had been stolen at Good Will in Coeur d'Alene earlier that day. On top of that the employees were less than helpful in helping her look for and were apparently kind of rude. Amanda's Mom said whoever did it, had to do it quick and had to have been watching her, because she set her purse down in her cart, turned around to look at something and when she turned back her purse was gone. It really sucked. She was out doing a little shopping and paying bills and there went 200 in cash, her cell phone, some cards. It's bad. Amanda's Mom basically came home, ate some dinner, and went to bed. I can't blame her.

On a good note, I had a really nice visit with Felicia. I miss her so much. We only had a short visit, and the boys and the dog were all over me, but it was still nice. Well the boys were interested in me until Felicia sent them to play in their room so we could actually talk but that didn't last too long because they started bickering and fighting.

Lastly the new term. Its only week one, but I think I like it. The Wellness class is meh and so far, from what I have done of this week's homework going to annoy me with the whole "smoking is bad and being fat is bad" yeah yeah yeah, blow it out your ass. No, I'm not smoking, but I really really want to. My neighbors congregate in the stairwell and it comes in my house via the draft at the front door. So that certainly doesn't help. Anyway, that aside, the other class, the Advanced Creative Writing class, looks really obnoxiously challenging in a good way.  Obnoxious in that I can already see myself growing over the more difficult aspects of the class, like grammar and spelling, challenging in that I get to write more than 10 pages this time, and also, challenging in that I now have to sit down and try to figure out what the hell I want to write about. I'm thinking paranormal or Scifi/fantasy, definitely romance, and I don't know what else. Its going to be word vomit to start that's for sure, but in the end it will be a publishable piece, which is amazing!

It was a nice day and then...

Today began early. Fiona came over and we went to Wal-mart, Starbucks, and then to Spokane Valley for an IEPG council meeting and potluck picnic in the park. The meeting went well as did the potluck picnic. Afterward we went to Birdy's parents garage sale (Birdy is a new friend). I found a brass planter I full intend to clean up and make into a cauldron. 

When we came home, I had to update my computer, so I went next door to Felicia's. She told me about the book she'd been reading and we chatted for a few minutes. Of course after that I had to come home and get my homework started for the day. Everything was great until Amanda's parents began to hound her about this or that. Really when they hound her, it just stresses me out that much more and make me want to throw up. I asked Amanda if dinner was finished since she cooked tonight. She said to check it in 30 minutes to which I playfully whined "But I am hungry now". Her dad piped in saying that I should go next door and mooch off the neighbor again because she might have something more to my liking. WHAT THE FUCK?! 

1. I do not mooch off Felicia. She and her family are no better off than we are and I keep trying to offer her stuff from my house when she's trying to figure out what to make for dinner. 

2. I only eat at her house when she shoves a plate of food in my face and invites me.

3. We share snacks on gaming nights. We get some and she gets some. 

4. Her inviting me to dinner is her way of paying me back for the times I babysit her kids for her. Ugh!

Needless to say, I am so upset that I can't focus on homework and am angry enough that I want to actually break something. That's okay, I honestly didn't want to do homework today anyway. 

In other, much happier note, I got my replacement engagement/wedding ring. The previous one's plating came off so fast and it was clear what a cheap P.O.S. it was. Won't be buying anything from that company ever again, that's for sure.  The replacement came from a company I trust, mainly because my mother has purchased several pieces of jewelry and jewelry making supplies from them. Also, my ring was on sale. 

It has the blue diamonds in the middle that I wanted. My mother's replacement wedding ring is blue diamond and I wanted us to match. I know that's silly. this ring also has black diamonds so I still have my black and then there are white ones too. I liked this design because its kind of got a vintage-y look. I love it! 

More goodies that I have recently acquired are a small 10 gram bag of Baltic Amber beads, a small bag of 100 charms, a couple of books, and my text books for the next term. Another purchase was a shirt that actor Nathan Fillion (Firefly, Serenity, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Castle) designed for a charity campaign. I can't wait to get it!

I am hoping with the end of this term nearing, I will be back online and posting more frequently. But for now, I am going to eat dinner and then get on with my Nerdy/geeky self and play D&D tonight. I'll worry about homework tomorrow. 

Blogging about not wanting to blog, what?

Maybe I am still experiencing jet-lag and or I am just tried and in a lot of pain, overwhelmed, or something, but I don't really feel up to blogging tonight. But I'm right here blogging. Doesn't really make sense does it? No, I thought not.

I am back in Northern Idaho. My flight was okay for the most part. Did you know that Delta airlines serves peanuts in flight? I did not and am really glad that I'd taken some allergy medication that morning else I would have been in a world of trouble. As it was my throat tightened up a little. Also, the woman next to me on one of the flights decided that my hip was her personal arm rest.

Back to blogging about not wanting to blog.  Earlier in the day I'd gone to the library and planned to write up several posts and post date them. Everything was going well until for some reason my computer decided that it wasn't going to let me do anything with the internet at the library. Jeez, what a punk ass! Any way, I had to save the post to a document and calm myself by perusing the shelves. I satisfied myself with a book on weapons and another on castles. You know since I need to know about that kind of stuff for my stories.

I might have picked up where I left off as far as blogging went when I got home but I just didn't feel up to it and when we came in the words "What the fuck?!" left my mouth. Why? Because Dad-in-law decided to rearrange the living room again. So I helped finish it up. Only I didn't do much at all, just dusted a few things and then made dinner.

I might have tried blogging after dinner except we decided to go to Hasting's for the 2 for 1 happy hour coffee special. I decided that I would be happier playing Guild Wars except that I wasn't.

I left a guild and started my own with my Dad several years ago because I didn't like drama. Dad managed to talk me into joining an alliance. So far things have been okay, but people come and go and there has been some drama here and there. Well, two guilds left the alliance recently and that pissed off the alliance leader. He sort of talked to me about it yesterday but was kind of vague about it. I noticed that a couple of other guilds had left including a couple of new ones that had joined just yesterday, today. And then I got a private message from someone explaining what had happened and what was going on, one of the people who had left. Oh boy! And when I thought there might be a group of people to faction farm, the alliance leader who said he was going to put the call out for such a group decided to log off. That's fine, no problem, I went on a vanquish mission. But for the next few days, I'm not looking to push the envelope on faction farming. I do not want to donate faction into an alliance that is unstable.

And of course now that I am home, not having internet connectivity problems, and have played my game, I've looked at my draft list and said "Nope, not happening". Tomorrow is another day. Well, I guess it's already tomorrow but I haven't slept so it doesn't count and after I wake up, I should be more inclined to write as well as blog. 

It's time for equivalent exchange folks

Every so often get fussy and complain about this or that. Sometimes I rant and I rave. I'm human and it's to be expected because no matter how hard someone tries, they can't be perfect or please everyone. Trust me, I know, it's impossible.

For me, trying to force myself to be more positive for others and also to try and help myself, is just going to have to be filed into the 'impossible' cabinet for the moment. There are a lot of things going on in my life, inner turmoils and struggles that often get fed by outward situations and stimuli.  Generally I'm pretty good at hiding but depending on certain factors, I fail miserably in the 'let's hide how I really feel so I don't upset or bother anyone else'. Why do I even care? Because I have friends that I would like to keep, that's why. Shouldn't my friend love me for all the parts that make me up? You'd think right? But for some reason, I have such a low self esteem and confidence level that prevents me from really getting comfortable around most people.

Point of fact, I am miserable 85% of the time. I feel like I am drowning in self loathing, anger, and pain and depression. I live with severe depression and anxiety  Okay, I was treating that with medication and some therapy when I felt like things were starting to get really bad. But then I started having issue with my period. Either I went forever without one, or I was on it for months to a year and several times its been heavy enough that I've gone to the ER (let me tell you what a waste of time that is).  I always get so horribly weak. Add a herniated disk and fibromyalgia to the list and things start getting from bad to worse. Frankly, if I wasn't so worried about upsetting and hurting my family, friends, and even my cats, I would kill myself. I have devised several plans, all that could easily be executed in a timely fashion and  because I am considerate, have easy clean up as well. But don't worry, like I said, I'm not going to kill myself because it would hurt the people I care about.

I am very limited a lot of the time in some of things I can do. Some days it's a fight to get out of bed. I actually had to get a dry erase sticker to put on the door that I write a list of things I want or need to do to help motivate me. That in and of itself is depressing but it does help. But all of the physical problems just make the depression worse.

I was talking to my therapist the other day and she said it's like I don't want to be seen. She's right, I don't want to be seen. I am so utterly ashamed and embarrassed of myself. There are times I don't know why Skoora is still with me, why my family and friends still talk to me much less spend time with me. I can't work, I can't go to school, I can barely handle going shopping for groceries much less anything fun. I want to do things with friend but I get so exhausted and feel drained so quickly and easily and it doesn't help that my medicine makes me tried oh and I recently found out that some of my medicine makes my hair thin (I was wondering why there was more in my hairbrush than usual). And I just learned that I've gained more weight despite the 'in what  can do' efforts to lose weight. And of course all of my medicine makes me gain weight too and has been for the last 12 years. And I am not going to go into anymore because it just gets even more sensitive.

But I keep trying and I keep telling myself that I am lucky, that I could have it a lot worse, and so on and so forth. Don't get me wrong, I am not ungrateful and I have a lot to be thankful for and I am thankful. Shit, I get  very excited when someone remembers to say 'Happy Birthday' on my facebook wall on facebook, even if the little notification on the side told them it was my birthday.

In the end, I know it's easy for everyone to forget that I am in a lot of pain and dealing with things internally that are hard, but I work hard at having patience with others. So, I feel like others could and should show me the same consideration.    

Taking Responsibility: Using Religion as a crutch.

I usually only talk about religion with people I am relatively close with. Or I have discussions with people I think will be calm, keep their head about them, and who might have a different perspective that is conducive to learning. I firmly believe that religion is a personal experience and journey and that it is one that you have to take yourself. If something doesn't feel right it is up to you and you alone to decide what does, whether it's converting to another religion, becoming simply spiritual, or believing in no religion at all. You are an adult and if you aren't an adult yet, you someday will be. There are decisions you have to make for yourself and certain personal responsibilities you'll have. 

Recently, with all the raving about whether or not gays should be allowed to marry, I've really taken note of just how two faced a few of my 'supposed' friend can be, but also how a lot of them are lacking in certain personal responsibilities. There is one friend in particular, we'll call her Millie, who not only lied to me, but uses her religion as a crutch for everyday life. 

How did she lie? She pretended that she supported my relationship with my girlfriend of almost six years. What she posted on facebook and wrote in her comments was awful and hurtful. I don't have anything against her posting what she wants on her facebook wall, it's her wall and her right. What upsets me is that she's lied to me consistently, pretended to be happy for me and supportive of my relationship and desire to marry all this time. I would have rather had her tell me straight up from the beginning her thoughts and feelings, her position on gay marriage  I would have accepted them and if she had still wanted to be friends, we might have been able to make a go of it. But, sadly, I had to remove her from my friends list and cut off all contact with her. 

And it wasn't just that she lied to me. I became so tried of getting on facebook and seeing tons of religious posts from her. At first I just ignored the pictures of this or that. But when she started commenting on the pictures, I was a little concerned for her. She isn't a happy person and seems to cycle between 'I love my husband, he's the best,' to 'why does everyone hate me,' and 'woe is me'. But the worst of it was when she start saying 'Why does God do this to me' or 'Why can't God just fix this' and so forth. 

I appreciate that she is religious, I respect her religion, and I respect her right to voice what ever options good or bad about her religion, God, and everything else. What I don't like, is that she seems to be relying on her religion to make her happy, to fix things for her, to govern her everyday life. 

There are a lot of people like her out there in the world. I would never call or think of them as being weak, just not getting the point. God can't fix you, God can't make things better for you, and God isn't going to tell you how to live your life day by day according to this situation or that. More importantly, God didn't make your life miserable, shit just happens sometimes.  Using your religion as that kind of a crutch isn't healthy. At some point you have to stop relying on it, realize these things, and take some responsibility for your actions, health, well being, and words, how you treat others, and make the kinds of decisions and take the steps you need to take to get what you need or want out of life. God isn't going to do it for you. He/She/They can't and won't.  

Really?!

All day today I've felt like I had this mild pressure in my head. I thought it was just tension headache coming on, took some Advil, and then went about my business. But as the day wore on, it gradually became worse. I wouldn't exactly call it painful, it hurts just enough for me to pay attention but not enough that I feel like I need to take anything for it. 

Strangely, my skin is hot. Just my head, face, neck, and my shoulders. My skin used to head up now and then when I was younger, so much so that you could feel the heat coming off me if you held your hand about an inch or two away. And I never felt sick or like I had a fever. But today, I feel tender when I feel hot. Since I was recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I wonder if, at least the skin issue of this, is due to that. 

I've taken one Ibuprofen and have an Ice pack on my head. It's helping. However, the comment I received from Skoora's dad did not help. Skoora was being really nice and rubbing my head. Her Dad wanted us to put on a movie from our Instant Que on Netflix and we both asked him to hang on a minute. He got a little impatient and when I tried to explain, he said something really rude and mean. I know that I run a little on the raw side sometimes but when Skoora even jumps in and and tells him he's being an ass, mean, and rude, then I know it's not just me. 

Of course there is always something wrong with me, I have a herniated disk and fibromyalgia. I live with chronic pain everyday and even though I have pain meds to help combat it, they don't take all the pain away. Some days are worse than others. Some days all I want to do is stay in bed and be left alone but I manage to drag myself out of, try to be positive and helpful, and cook his damned dinner and pick up his house. I don't have to cook and clean, I do it because I live here and want to be helpful. And I never seem to get a break because I'm stuck entertaining his wife most of the time because he won't get out of his damned chair, stop watching the damned news, and do stuff with this wife.

And what the fuck?! I don't even complain to him about my back, in fact I rarely tell anyone how bad it gets. If I do say something, I try to only say it Skoora and quietly so I don't bother anyone else. So, I am a little pissed off and I think I am just going to go to bed.

Playing with crazy people

I attract crazy people. No, really I do. It's seems like I have a collection of them. I don't know the why or the how. My girlfriend thinks I have some kind of invisible beacon or something written across my forehead that attracts people. My Dad has theorized that it's my natural proclivity to stick up for the weird under dogs. I'm still friends or at least in contact with some of the misfits I went to high school with. You know, the D&D, Magic the Gathering, Video Game playing, Science and Book nerd kind of crowd and nearly all of us have some sort of personal issue of some kind and are very strange and have all sorts of weird quirks that most people find well, a little crazy. For instance, one friend rocks compulsively, another makes lewd comments and farts and burps and laughs in a really creepy way. Another knows entirely too much about how to combat Zombies and gets really intense when telling you anything. Another friend just kind of gives people the creepy vibe all around (probably had something to do with that he was kind of desperate for a girlfriend for a long time).

I seem to have collected more (they're all mine ha ha, ehm) as I have gotten older via the Internet. I've met people on various forums where I've gone to post art work or stories. I've met people via Myspace, Yahoo 360 and Yahoo Groups. There's nothing wrong with crazy people, sometimes they add a little spice to life and I don't hold any social or mental or physical problems against anyone, that's just not my way. However, and this is going to sound contradictory, I do have a problem with people who really let the crazy out on me or some one close to me. Okay, I get someone having a bad day, I get them having been burnt by past friends or lovers, and I more than understand that sometimes people are just freaking weird.

My girlfriend and I recently had a friend just go bananas on us. For the most part this friend is really nice, has, what I think are some far out ideas about things, and I've had trouble keeping up with her on some of what she says (I almost always have to ask her to explain something or go look something up). She's lonely, she did some not to great things in her life, she's away from any family that truly maters ect... I met her via a forum where I posted some writing. She wanted me to read her writing and we just started talking. We even did a written role play together. Eventually I had to stop written role plays because it was taking over the time I needed for other writing but I introduced her to my girlfriend and they got to talking and role playing.

Well, for this friend, role play characters are a little more than just that and that's okay. However, recently something happened and she got really upset about something my girlfriend's character did (never mind that this is a fictional character) and my girlfriend wasn't getting rp replies back fast enough or talking to her as much and all hell broke lose. She vented to me about it and I agreed with her on most of it and stuck up for my girlfriend where sticking up was due. I'll be damned if this friend of mine didn't write a vicious letter to my girlfriend. They went back and forth over e-mail and she told my girlfriend some of the things I had expressed annoyance with. It's a damned good thing that I talked to my girlfriend about everything I'd talked to our friend about else there might have been trouble. I just let them sort it out between them, even though I knew this friend had used things I told her as ammunition against my girlfriend. I sure as hell wasn't happy about it though.

Then a couple of days later when things were calming down I saw a meme on facebook, one of my cousins had posted it and it was about crazy people. Personally, I thought it was damn funny and fit the person my cousin was posting it in reference to pretty well. My friend freaked out and thought I posted it in reference to her. *insert Carly Simon's song, You're so Vain* Honestly, I never even thought of her. But boy did I get a near two page message on facebook about how it hurt her.

So, I did the only thing I could do. I explained who the damned meme was for, assured her it wasn't about her, that I'm not out to get her, that my girlfriend and I aren't out to gang up on her, that I wouldn't mind still being her friend, but I certainly wasn't going to take any more crap, especially not after she threw me under the bus. I haven't heard from her since, just filled her game requests on facebook and she hasn't un-friend-ed me. I don't necessarily know what that means but the ball is in her court.

I don't mind that she got upset, I really don't. I mind that she back stabbed me. I didn't tell my girlfriend anything that she vented to me, that was between us and even if I should happen not to agree with anything she wants or wanted to vent about, I still wouldn't tell. Sometimes people just need someone to talk to who will actually listen.

I didn't like that she whined so much and kept using past events and that it seemed like she wanted to project them on to us. Um, we aren't stupid bitches who like to hurt people for the fun of it. And if I am pissed at someone I either will not tell them and vent it out on a blog or in a journal or I will tell them to their face. I don't do it via snide meme's on facebook.

I also mind that this issue took almost four days to resolve and that I spent so much time and energy trying to assure her that no one was trying to attack her when it could have just been taken care of within a couple of hours. Honestly the while all this was going on, even though I was trying to stay out of it as much as possible it really upset me and I wasn't able to focus on much else except cooking and some very light house work. I am still upset but like I told her while I won't put up with back stabbing and 'you're attacking me' bull shit (really, if I was attacking you you'd know it because I'd be in your face). I am not going to throw away a four year friendship so easily. I do forgive people, probably more than I should or ought to.

And of course there have been other little instances not too unlike this one with other friends, at least with the person freaking out on me, not over the same issues of course.   

The Troops are coming home!

As mostly everyone by now knows our troops are coming home from Afghanistan. It's a time for celebration, relief, and most of all a time when showing our support is most needed.

When I was in high school most of my friends were those who were in JROTC and nearly every one of them enlisted after we graduated. One of those friends was enlisted before we graduated and was due to ship out to boot camp the morning after gradation. It was two years before I saw him again but when I did, he was on leave and he told me he'd already received 4 purple hearts and he was planning to continue his military career. I wished him luck and told him to be careful. I didn't hear from him again until recently when I found him on facebook.

This friend is still on active duty in Afghanistan and will be coming home soon. He posted so on facebook in not so many words but in a message that made me worry. He said: "Warriors and Civilians don't mix... coming home should be interesting." I guess that got a few people who I don't know but who are his friends a little offended. Someone mention that it wasn't 1968 and that he would be fine. A lot of the comments seemed like all too easy brush offs.
I told promptly told him that I am glad he's coming home and thanked him for his service. I told him it is an honor to have gone to school with him, to know him. I told him that he was a strong and courageous person and that I have complete faith in him that he would overcome and land on his feet.

He wrote back a general message saying that he was sorry if he'd offended anyone.  I don't feel that he should've had to apologize. I feel that his concerns and nervousness are granted. I mean, not too long ago, my Dad spoke to a service woman in the doctor's office who said she rarely gets thanked for her service to our country, that people scream hateful things and obscenities at her, that she's even had rotten food thrown at her. I can't believe there are people out there who could or would do that! But sadly there are those who do. And I think some people forget that transitioning isn't simple, quick, or easy. It's noting to brush off.

Every single troop coming home needs even more support, care, and love. This is a time to let them adjust and a time to be there for them. They made sacrifices, endured more than we can even imagine. They were strong for us now we must be strong for them. We should show our appreciation instead of brushing them off and telling them they'll be fine because a lot of them won't be fine.