Things I want to say in the morning, breakfast, yesterday, and EVEOnline

This is my EVEOnline Character, Meili. She's in the Federal Navy Academy and about to go on a big mission. Well, she will go when I decide to play again. So far, I am frustrated with EVEOnline. There is so much to learn and remember and I'm not even out of the tutorials yet. Honestly, I am little worried of the day that happens. This game is very complex and you can basically do anything you want in it. No really, you can even kill people. You'll get into trouble with Concord and other people, but yeah... I am impressed, overwhelmed, and curious to see what I end up doing with this character. I'm thinking of going career military, but who knows, I might change my mind. It is also nice to play a game with my Dad, even if he has to walk me through a lot. He had to describe what I was looking for last night and it had to be obnoxious. But he said, that it wasn't just me, because he's had some of the same problems. 

Yesterday was not exactly a good day. I had two long running mild panic attacks. Basically the first one began and I managed to get myself out of it and then ten minutes later I had another one. So I put myself to bed, hoping that if I just laid down for a few minutes, I could ground a little better and kind of reset. Well, reset I did, and while I wasn't feeling the best, it was truly helpful. However, I do not want to start relying on going to bed, napping for a bit, to get back to functional. I have some thing my therapist wants me to try and I'm going to employ some of those.

This morning, it is really cold outside. I didn't have time to truly warm the car up before I took Amanda to the park and ride. Prior to that, we were lucky my body woke me to go to the bathroom, else we might have overslept. But as I got back into bed and Amanda told me that we could have ten more minutes but then we would have to get up, I didn't say "Fuck you up the Goat Ass" or "It's too fucking cold for your work bullshit" or even "If you don't shut up and go back to sleep, I'm going to strangle you". And I didn't hiss at the fact that it is a bright sun-shiny day either. Instead, I quietly rest my alarm, turned up the space heater to warm my back and hopefully help soothe the raging beast who hates morning, and rested for a ten more minutes.

After I got home, and of course that's when the car was finally starting to get warm, I wasn't sure what I wanted for breakfast. I thought perhaps a fruit smoothie. But it's cold, I am cold, and adding more cold didn't seem appealing. So I opened the fridge and saw the English Muffins. Score! I cooked up a little sausage while I melted butter on one muffin and melted swiss cheese and mushrooms on another. On the muffin with butter, when I pulled it from the oven, I added my Downton Abbey preserves that I got for Christmas/ Yule. Oh my is it ever delicious!

I turned around a little bit ago and found Thorin curled up on my dish towels. Sorry for the mess, the house is still a disaster and I have no drive to fix it. Well, I do, but lack the energy really.

Thorin also likes to walk across my computer, sit on it, and generally make mischief while I am trying to do anything on it. He just wants my attention, I know. But he also wants to be held. My solution, while he is still small, is to stick him in my hoodie. He seems to like it. He gets held, is warm, and I get to type. He and Narcisa aren't so different after all, I had to do much the same for her when she was little.

Express to slow the hell down.

Fairy Kitty by Maria Lucia

Everything has been go go go since Skoora returned from er residency in Boston. We've gone shopping (which was really hard on me and sometimes I really didn't think I was going to be able to take another step from the pain). We've run various errands, made doctor's appointments, and I have been to the library a lot. We have also been to Hasting's several times. I have also been trying to keep everything picked up as far as our bedroom is concerned, which is kind of difficult since we have so many pillows. But I've also managed to tackle the laundry. Of course, I need to do some grocery shopping today but I'm not getting very much and I doubt I will be at the store for very long. Also, I spent a day watching Downton Abbey, which I've mentioned before. But I haven't really taken any time to rest much less relax. With everything that is going on, I'm geared up and tense. My back feels awful, the fibromyalgia has flared up something terrible, and I'm starting to have panic attacks every day, sometimes more than once a day. This is not a good thing.

Today, after I go to the store, make supper, pick Skoora up from work, and play a little Guild Wars with my Dad, I am going to settle down for an hour or two and just read. I have several books that won't read themselves and I really think I need some time to escape for a little bit. I know Yoda-Chan will be extremely thrilled to have me in one place for more than a few minutes. He always likes to be petted.

With the way things are going, I doubt I will be able to do anything for Lammas this year. I just don't think that I will have the energy but I will see.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment with the headshrinker. I have mixed feelings about going to see her again but I don't want to start over with a different therapist, the thought of that is exhausting. A highlight, I am going to visit a friend after that.

Honestly, I have a lot more I could/ need to blog about, but I am so tired and if the library hasn't gotten my books in yet, probably won't today. So, I should pack up and head to the store, and then home. But I might stop for coffee and read for half an hour in a park. There's a park a couple of block away from my house and it would be really nice to go sit by the river.  

Downton Abbey, weird dreams of the Hunger Games, and Captain America has to pee?

Finally! Finally! My hold at the library came in. Season 2 of Downton Abbey is mine to watch tonight! I am excited and season 3 is on it's way. I have avoided eye contact with all things Downton Abbey on the internet, from pictures, status updates on facebook, and articles just so I wouldn't have anything spoiled for me. Now none of that will matter after the next couple of days.

As you can probably guess, I'm feeling better, well emotionally that is. Aside from having a very bizarre Hunger Games dream in which Katniss was pregnant and Peeta swore he'd take care of her and the baby, even bought a house for them all to live in when they arrived home, I just woke up in a better mood. Of course Supernatural was on TV. I got a little Dean Winchester and Castiel eye candy this morning... Well afternoon. I awoke a little before noon. For once, I don't mind over sleeping. I think I just really needed the sleep.

Last night I wrote two letters. One was to my cousin Shi-chan. The other was to my little cousin Kayleigh. I think I have referred to her as my niece before, she calls me Aunt Hannah sometimes, so that is where that comes from and also my cousins think of me as their sister. But really, Kayleigh is my cousin. Anyway, she fell and broke her wrist in two places. So I sent her a card and some Monster High stickers to cheer her up. Of course this was while I was watching the Hunger Games. Now you see why I dreamt a Hunger Games dream.

This morning, when I went to the bathroom, Yoda-chan, my kitty, came in and wanted to be petted. He looked really needy so I picked him up and held him, pet him, and told him he was handsome. He really liked that so I spent more time in the bathroom than I intended. He really hates it when I leave and I am very worried about him. If I leave for more than a day, he doesn't eat and he's lost a lot of weight. I might have to talk to the vet about this behavior because I really don't think he would handle coming with me when I travel on planes to see my family very well. That and I just don't trust the airports to take care of him. I've heard about what happens to animals.

On a lighter note, I was looking at pictures of Chris Evans yesterday and came across this one. I don't know whether he hurt himself or if he has to pee, but I thought it was kind of silly so I kept it. Also, you can see where the make up is sliding around his ankles and lower shins. I was wondering if they'd done some kind of padding for his feet during this scene. Well, now I know.

My back is starting to hurt, so I am going to go home and try to write there for a little bit. Yes, I said write. It was writing letters to family that helped me get my drive back.