Lightning, Tears, Taking matters into my own hands, Black Friday, and going on an adventure

Lately I have been following/ watching It's Black Friday on youtube. I really like her and more than that, she's be a source of inspiration in an aspect of my life that pushed aside to be "a little more normal" but mostly to please my Grandparents. It's been a kind of interesting internal battle with myself. Others in my life tell me that I need to stop trying to make everyone else happy and focus on myself. That' is true, but my internal counter argument is "what if making others happy makes me happy?" Obviously this is a battle I will fight for the rest of my life and in 32 years, I still haven't managed to achieve or let alone trying to master a sense of balance with it. I've been choosing to look at that as a life lesson. 

Anyway, aside from wanting to please people very important to me, it's also been a matter of jobs, of finances, and also of body size.  You know what, fuck that shit! At the moment I am a house-Empress soon to embark on building a small Etsy business and a writer. I can finagle finances as it comes and body size, you know what, fuck that too. A friend of mine said I should make plus size goth clothing and sell it. I've been thinking about it. For now, I am going to try to make a few outfits for myself and see if I really want to get into it. Everything I want to do takes time and the last thing I want to do is take too much time away from writing. 

Back to body talk. I got a little freaked out yesterday. I've been feeling bloated and my feet have been swollen, so I knew I had some water retention going on. Well, when the scale says you gained 10lbs over the weekend, no shit! Now we did eat out some this weekend and I knew I was going to have a little bit of weight gain, but not 10lbs. More than that, there is something going on, because my eating habits haven't changed, If anything, I am trying to be more mindful of what I eat and how much. I did have two days where I said fuck it, but there's no way any of my splurges should have caused me to gain 20lbs this month. I've had enough and I'm scared and pissed. So I am taking matters into my own hands.

1st, yesterday, I found a councilor on my own so I can start getting a better handle on my mental and emotional health. Secondly, today, I am going to pick up an over the counter water pill to see if I can't help myself flush some of this water out of me. Don't worry, I've been drinking lots of water, but need a little extra help. Third, I am going to be doing a bit of walking today, but I will get to that more in a minute. 4th, I am going to force myself to call an OBGYN that some of my friends have been to, instead of waiting on my doctor to handle things. 5th, I'm going in to pay my doctor for the fee she's charging me for not being able to make my appointment, so I can make another appointment and get some of the regular health stuff out of the way and also let her know that I have found specialty doctors on my own and express that if she can't make things move forward for me or hold up her end of the deal, then I will find another general health doctor. 

Last night after Witch club (which I really enjoyed) we drive home and got to see lots of lightning. It was beautiful and reminded me of home. I might have enjoyed it more had I not been sobbing for most of the ride. I was angry because of my stupid body and how it hurts, how I am tried all the time, and other little things.  I was also sad/angry because I feel that I facilitated the the destruction of the IEPG because I got tired of putting up with bullshit and trying to work with someone who wouldn't work with us. Other members of the council felt the same and stepped down as well and now it's not really a thing anymore. I mean I'm all for ends and rebirth, but that's never really going to be a rebirth, not the way it could be or maybe even should be. But the anger and sadness is that, I feel responsible for ruining it for others. I'm probably not supposed to take that on my shoulders, but I do. I try to take responsibility for my actions. 

Speaking of taking responsibility for my actions or perhaps this is a lack of action, I was reminded again last night that I can be a real idiot. Amanda and I have been busy with work and school, we've been trying to do more things and get out more often, and my house has kind of suffered for it. If I'm not doing homework or out of the house, I'm typically pretty tired and haven't kept up on the laundry and some days not even the dishes so I feel bad and don't want anyone to see it. Despite assurances from friends telling me they don't care how messy my house is, I feel awful that it's not clean and well organized, a quiet- well semi-quiet and calming place to be. I get embarrassed over the fact that I am always on my period and sometimes don't have enough energy to clean up all the blood that gets on the toilet or floor. To be honest, I have days, where just going to the bathroom takes a lot out of me. I don't want people to see that.

 But almost more importantly I understand that my friends are busy people too. I don't like to invite myself to people's houses because I don't want them to feel that they have to let me come over, I don't want to mess up any previous plans, I don't I don't want to wear out my welcome by making a nuisance of myself. I think I took some of my parents and Grandma's manner a bit too literal and I feel like some of my friendships are suffering from it. So again, I think this is where I need to step up a little. I need to be a little more self confident and just ask to see or be seen. 

On to happier things. I mentioned earlier that I am going to be doing a little bit of walking today. Well, I am going on a semi-short adventure to another Asian market- one that I know sells matcha powder-  and I am finally going to the Keiv Market to see what I can see. After that, it's off to Wal-Mart and Winco for the bulk of my groceries. I am going alone so I can take my time, see what I can see, and just try to enjoy it.     

It's December and I've got cat drool in my hair.

First, I would like to point out that today is my Grandma's 86th birthday. She's still going, sharp as a knife, and I love and miss her very much. She lives back home, in Kansas.

I'm not usually up at 7 in the morning. Well, if I am it's typically because I have to be somewhere or I've stayed up writing or have been in too much pain to sleep. That's not really the case for me this time. This time it's because I stayed up late to play monopoly with some visiting friends, and watch a movie and work on a Christmas/ birthday present. I was hurting pretty bad when I went to bed at 4 am so I took some medicine and it should have knocked me on my butt. However, I think the fact that I really need to make sure Skoora get up, moving, and out the door in time to attend a meeting at work and feed the cats (trust me if I am late, they will make me get out of bed) is what is keeping me from sleeping. It's as if my brain says "nope, not going to let you chance oversleeping" and it's done this to me since I can remember, anytime I need to be some place extra early.

It's very very annoying. But at least it's giving me time to really cuddle with Yoda-Chan and catch up on some blog reading. I did lay down for a little bit earlier and Yoda curled up on my pillow. I pet him for awhile and then got up to use the bathroom and found dried cat drool in my hair! Thanks Yoda, thanks. *sigh* I washed it out but it was still gross. A hazard of being a cat owner I suppose.

We have company for the holiday and have been in and out of the house. Thankfully, our Black Friday shopping has been uneventful and we only had issues with people being rude at once store, something a friend noticed but I had long since become mostly immune to. She had her gallbladder removed recent and had to use one of the electric carts in the store. I had to as well that evening and apparently we got some nasty looks. Great Grandma Ireland used to say 'If you don't like the way I look, you've got three other directions to look". I can stand firmly behind that most of the time, but I more than understand why those people upset her.

I wasn't out for anything in particular this Black Friday. I just wanted to get out and move around despite how much it hurt. Plus, two for one happy hour coffee at Hasting's is always nice. The Barista's still make the Autumn Harvest Breve for me even though it's out of season. Skoora had an eggnog late. We got a few things at Wal-Mart, nothing big. I got a Tripod for my camera. One of my medicines makes me a little shaky so my pictures don't always turn out nice. The tripod will certainly help and it was on sale for $10.

We went to Michael's last night. I picked up some much needed embroidery thread, a new paint brush that I've needed for awhile, and a couple of really pretty candle holder. Skoora wanted some special candles that smell wonderful. When we got home, I set them up in the bathroom and when the candle are lit and the lights are out, it's so pretty in there. The candle holders were on sale and we had a coupon for the rest, well the cashier used one from their ad.

Mostly, we weren't after sales or worried about getting anywhere for anything in particular. We just took it easy and went at our own pace. Being in a over crowed wal-mart was difficult for me but I survived without a panic attack. I don't do well with lots of people. I don't like the noise, how close they crowd around me to get items, or how rude some people can be. (I'm an introvert and agoraphobic and claustrophobic) It also probably helped that we went after the flash sales so most of the people were already gone or leaving the store.

We've had a little snow but, of course, it's melted. We'll have more though. It's cold and rainy at the moment. Galen is curled up in my desk chair. Yoda is curled up next to me on the bed. Skoora is snoring the morning away. Everything is quite and peaceful. For once. Time to get up and make breakfast and coffee.