Lately I have been following/ watching It's Black Friday on youtube. I really like her and more than that, she's be a source of inspiration in an aspect of my life that pushed aside to be "a little more normal" but mostly to please my Grandparents. It's been a kind of interesting internal battle with myself. Others in my life tell me that I need to stop trying to make everyone else happy and focus on myself. That' is true, but my internal counter argument is "what if making others happy makes me happy?" Obviously this is a battle I will fight for the rest of my life and in 32 years, I still haven't managed to achieve or let alone trying to master a sense of balance with it. I've been choosing to look at that as a life lesson.
Anyway, aside from wanting to please people very important to me, it's also been a matter of jobs, of finances, and also of body size. You know what, fuck that shit! At the moment I am a house-Empress soon to embark on building a small Etsy business and a writer. I can finagle finances as it comes and body size, you know what, fuck that too. A friend of mine said I should make plus size goth clothing and sell it. I've been thinking about it. For now, I am going to try to make a few outfits for myself and see if I really want to get into it. Everything I want to do takes time and the last thing I want to do is take too much time away from writing.
Back to body talk. I got a little freaked out yesterday. I've been feeling bloated and my feet have been swollen, so I knew I had some water retention going on. Well, when the scale says you gained 10lbs over the weekend, no shit! Now we did eat out some this weekend and I knew I was going to have a little bit of weight gain, but not 10lbs. More than that, there is something going on, because my eating habits haven't changed, If anything, I am trying to be more mindful of what I eat and how much. I did have two days where I said fuck it, but there's no way any of my splurges should have caused me to gain 20lbs this month. I've had enough and I'm scared and pissed. So I am taking matters into my own hands.
1st, yesterday, I found a councilor on my own so I can start getting a better handle on my mental and emotional health. Secondly, today, I am going to pick up an over the counter water pill to see if I can't help myself flush some of this water out of me. Don't worry, I've been drinking lots of water, but need a little extra help. Third, I am going to be doing a bit of walking today, but I will get to that more in a minute. 4th, I am going to force myself to call an OBGYN that some of my friends have been to, instead of waiting on my doctor to handle things. 5th, I'm going in to pay my doctor for the fee she's charging me for not being able to make my appointment, so I can make another appointment and get some of the regular health stuff out of the way and also let her know that I have found specialty doctors on my own and express that if she can't make things move forward for me or hold up her end of the deal, then I will find another general health doctor.
Last night after Witch club (which I really enjoyed) we drive home and got to see lots of lightning. It was beautiful and reminded me of home. I might have enjoyed it more had I not been sobbing for most of the ride. I was angry because of my stupid body and how it hurts, how I am tried all the time, and other little things. I was also sad/angry because I feel that I facilitated the the destruction of the IEPG because I got tired of putting up with bullshit and trying to work with someone who wouldn't work with us. Other members of the council felt the same and stepped down as well and now it's not really a thing anymore. I mean I'm all for ends and rebirth, but that's never really going to be a rebirth, not the way it could be or maybe even should be. But the anger and sadness is that, I feel responsible for ruining it for others. I'm probably not supposed to take that on my shoulders, but I do. I try to take responsibility for my actions.
Speaking of taking responsibility for my actions or perhaps this is a lack of action, I was reminded again last night that I can be a real idiot. Amanda and I have been busy with work and school, we've been trying to do more things and get out more often, and my house has kind of suffered for it. If I'm not doing homework or out of the house, I'm typically pretty tired and haven't kept up on the laundry and some days not even the dishes so I feel bad and don't want anyone to see it. Despite assurances from friends telling me they don't care how messy my house is, I feel awful that it's not clean and well organized, a quiet- well semi-quiet and calming place to be. I get embarrassed over the fact that I am always on my period and sometimes don't have enough energy to clean up all the blood that gets on the toilet or floor. To be honest, I have days, where just going to the bathroom takes a lot out of me. I don't want people to see that.
But almost more importantly I understand that my friends are busy people too. I don't like to invite myself to people's houses because I don't want them to feel that they have to let me come over, I don't want to mess up any previous plans, I don't I don't want to wear out my welcome by making a nuisance of myself. I think I took some of my parents and Grandma's manner a bit too literal and I feel like some of my friendships are suffering from it. So again, I think this is where I need to step up a little. I need to be a little more self confident and just ask to see or be seen.
On to happier things. I mentioned earlier that I am going to be doing a little bit of walking today. Well, I am going on a semi-short adventure to another Asian market- one that I know sells matcha powder- and I am finally going to the Keiv Market to see what I can see. After that, it's off to Wal-Mart and Winco for the bulk of my groceries. I am going alone so I can take my time, see what I can see, and just try to enjoy it.