What to do next and moments where I still feel like a kid

© Hannah Richardson- Yes, I sometimes do photo shoots with dolls.

The last term, the last eight weeks, of my undergrad college experience begins Monday. When that is up, I will graduate with my BA in English-Creative Writing with a focus in Fiction. I should be ecstatic and I suppose in a lot of ways I am excited, but... I can't help feeling that its really not a big deal. It's just a piece of paper that may or may not open up more job opportunities.  

I think I don't know what to think. On one hand, yes, I am excited to not have homework for awhile. I'm planning to take some time off from because I had some burnout, but also because (assuming I ever get the supposed referral to the specialist gyn) I am hoping to have a hysterectomy and will need time to recuperate and heal. I am excited to have some time to focus on craft projects as well as doing some writing- more than just the here and there bouts I've been subsisting on when I wasn't too afraid to write. Yes, I've had a lot of moments where I've been scared to write and it sucks ass like a Kappa. 

Or maybe I don't feel like it is a big deal because I am not walking or attending the school graduation. I don't know, I just don't see it as that big of a deal. Amanda says it is. She says it is a big milestone. Geeze, I don't know if this is depression and self abasement talking, which are things I struggle with all the time. Or if my worry over finding a grad school that will accept me and is a good fit is clouding all the "you should be dancing in the street" mentality everyone else has. 

On the topic of grad school, I've been looking at some options online. I want to go one that has a good program. However, I want one that is relatively close, meaning that I don't want to spend hours on a plane, flying across the country. Airports stress me out, I hate having to run because invariably my gates are too far apart. I don't particularly like flying and pretty much only do it when I am going home to visit family. 

There are a couple of programs on this side of the country that look kind of promising. I don't really want to do the ones that are at Christian colleges. There is a program up in Anchorage Alaska that could be interesting. Then there is the program at Eastern Washington, a college that is 30 mins away and if my car still isn't working, I could take a bus to. But to get into that program not only do you have to go through the usual, submit writing samples and long ass letter talking about how great you are and blah blah blah, and coming up with references, you have to take the GRE exam. I really suck at test taking. Test anxiety is a constant companion, I used to nearly have panic attacks filling out those stupid tests you take for employment applications. On top of that, I'm not great at math and it has been ages since I have had science classes. 

So, while I was upset, frustrated, and almost weepy, I called my Dad because I wanted his advice. Dad's reply to my mopey disheartened tale of the situation was: "Maybe you should stop worrying about going to school to prepare to write and actually sit down and write." I could hear my Mom in the back ground telling him "No, you're not helping."  She was right, he wasn't helping. I felt like a kid. But at the same time he was right. Except that Amanda talks about how she grew and changed as a writer from grad school, that it really helps, and that she doesn't think she could have ever been published prior to going.  Besides, if I do go to grad school, I could possibly get a job adjunct teaching. 

I've spent so much time trying to do what everyone else thought would be good for me, that I didn't do what I really wanted. So what do I want? 

I want to go to grad school. I want it to be either completely online or low residency and fairly close. As in not too far for travel. I want it to be a good program- as in I don't want to just settle because the program is close by. And I want to do it without feeling guilty or unworthy for a change. (my depression monster is a harsh beast) 

On a happier note, we have some flowers blooming and some tomatoes begging to form out in our garden. Half of our herbs didn't take off but the half that did, look really good.   

New Doctor, cosplay plans, Possible Grad School, Narcisa is a brat!

The picture above is of Rin Tohsaka from Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works. This is the costume I will be making for Kuro Neko Con. My plan is to make the skirt longer so I can wear some shorts or leggings underneath. It;s going to be the end of July since I am going to have to wear a wig, the fabric is going to have to be light and breathable. Amanda thinks I should go with a light knit so it has some give. I think she might just be right, but I also need it to look like it is supposed to. I will be consulting the ladies at Joann's sometime next month so I will get their opinion. I also don't think I am going to have to make all of it myself. I'm pretty sure I can find a white button down blouse somewhere and add the red accents on the collar and cuffs myself. I am pretty excited about it. I am also going to be working on Amanda's cosplay costume. I think she's settled on who she wants to cosplay but I am not totally sure. 

I went to my new doctor yesterday. The office is small and I was the only person there, which gave it a more personal feel. I like both the nurse and the doctor, they are both very nice and kind people. The doctor spent half an hour just reading through my medical records and even made notes. She is sending me to a female gyn specialist to take care of my PCOS, that was the first thing out of her mouth after she said hello. The very second thing she wanted to talk about was sending me to counseling. She doesn't think depression medication alone is 100% effective and honestly, I have to agree with her because for months I've felt like I needed to be in therapy again. She was concerned about my xanax prescription, nearly every doctor I have been to very wary of xanax because of its addictive properties. I told her I only take it when I am having a really bad panic attack I can't get myself out of. Those don't come that often. She said that was good, but she'd like to get me to a point where I no longer have to take it. She also told me that people with fibromyaligia need at least 9 hours of sleep at night. Opps, don't always get that. I tend to get between 6-9. She said getting on steady sleep schedule of 9 hours of sleep at night will make me feel better. 

Next up she is ordering a full panel of blood work. She wants to know everything so she has a better idea of what she's working with. Sounds good to me. Then she did, I think, a physical- it has been so long since I have had one. She said that I was basically a healthy person except, here it comes, all the weight, which brings me to the next part of the visit. She did not lecture me about being fat. She's been overweight herself. But she did tell me that she really wants to help me lose the weight because she is tried of seeing her patients' health deteriorate over time when it could be helped and she hates to see them die when again, it could have been helped. I really don't think she was bullshitting me, there was genuine concern and given that she'd already spent an hour going over the blood work and the reasons why, why she was sending me to the councilor and also the gyn specialist, I was okay with listening to her for another half hour or so about the weight stuff. 

She wants me to lose the weight fast and suggested me trying something that she and her nurse have been trying. It is the hcg diet. I was a little concerned when she said that you can't exercise on this diet and something about 500 calories, and can't eat any starches like pasta, rice, bread, and potatoes. She told me that the information is available online, I can look at. She's going to have more information for me next week and under no circumstances would I be starting this diet until my pcos issues are cleared up because she wants to monitor everything closely. 

Okay, I don't mind trying new things. I don't mind eating smaller portions or eating healthier. I do mind not being able to have salt and seasonings on my food. I get that food is for nutritional value, but I enjoy cooking so much. To me, it's like telling me that I am no longer allowed to do something that I love. So, a little freaked out about that, I'm not going to lie, I was freaking out a little. I came home and had cornbread, mac and cheese with hot dogs for dinner and I had seconds. This morning I spent some time researching the hcg diet and don't think it is something I am comfortable doing. It is not FDA approved, not that I generally put a lot of stock in what the FDA says, but there are also a lot of risks, one of those being blood clots. I read through two or three websites that listed the same dangers and possible side affects, that I decided I would come up with a counter offer for her. I know that sounds weird but doing a diet that doesn't allow exercise and as one site listed, doesn't allow certain body lotions and such, is too.

So, I propose cutting my portions down, lowering my carb intake, and starting a workout regimen. I'm sorry, call me vain, but I am not going to lose weight to look terrible and not have the money to remove excess skin. Instead I would rather lose weight slowly, build muscle, and tone down the flab as much as I can. I also don't want to lose a massive amount of weight. I felt the best in a size 14-16 pair of jeans. That's where I would like to be. I don't need to be super skinny, just healthy. That's all I have ever wanted. Anyway, I won't have to wait until the PCOS issue is fixed, I can start next week on Monday. 

Moving on, I have been planning to go to grad school after I take a break to decompress and recharge after I graduate. I was planing on the rest of the year. I had thought to just go through SNHU but I'm not sure their program is the one I really want or need. So I have been looking online for some alternative in the area. I think I found one at a College 30 minutes from here. I can't remember the name but I remember the city its in. I am going to look at their requirements more in depth later. 

Lastly, Narcisa is being such a brat today! She wanted to play so I was playing with her this morning before I took Amanda to the park and ride. Her idea of playing today was to bite me over and over again, not hard, and certainly not hard enough to break skin. Oh and rabbit kicking me with her pack paws. Since she seemed to think that was acceptable play, I bit her back. Not hard, but boy did that weird her out. It was that whole "mom, you're not supposed to bite me, I'm supposed to bite you" look. Ugh! she's curled up on my bed at the moment, too lazy to come out and see me. That's okay, I am going to take a nap for an hour or two and then get up and get busy.