Soap is finally cut, my doctor, and feeding depression with pickles.

I know I said I was going to do it a couple of days ago, but I just didn't get to cutting the soap until today and I think today, I on'y did it because I needed to get it off the kitchen table and since I was going to do that, I told myself that it needed to be cut. So, it is cut and sitting in two large Tupperware containers with parchment paper between the soap and the plastic. Of course, it is still sitting on the table, but most of the table is cleaned off. I suppose that is progress. Only it really isn't because I tossed most of what was on the table on the floor.

I called and cancelled my doctor's appointment today. I was supposed to take Amanda to the park and ride and she did wake me up at 6:20 am for a shower like I asked her to. I was so tired last night that I just went to bed. Well, I asked to sleep just a little longer and Amanda forgot about my appointment and went to work. I tried to get a hold of a friend but couldn't and I didn't have a bus pass. Well, apparently I should have tried harder to get there because my doctor's office called and told me that they need 24-48 hours cancellation notice and that to reschedule, I will need to go in and pay a 50 dollar fee. The nurse also told me that they don't have any lab records for me. I explained that I was under the impression that I would get a call from the lab place to set up an appointment. Nope, not the case, I was just supposed to fast for 12 hours and then show up to have lab work done. The nurse also informed me that they did hear back from the GYN that they referred me to but didn't give me an appointment or even any information. I was told nothing about the councilor I am supposed to be referred to. That fucking sucks. 

Which brings me to the depression.

I've been trudging along, pushing through stuff and burring feelings, forcing myself to do things I know I just don't have the energy for. How is this different from any other time that I've vented, whined, and cried about my depressive state? It is different in that while I don't want to kill myself I don't feel like I could be happy with never waking up again, I am hitting bottom in a different way. 

A couple of years ago, I used to get up, do my hair, do my make up, dress nice. I had a job, my own car, and kept my and Amanda's apartment clean. Sure we would have a little clutter now and then, but it was clean. We kept up on laundry. I plucked my eyebrows, I took showers every other day. 

Today, to be frighteningly honest, I haven't showered in two weeks. I can't remember the last time I plucked my eyebrows or wore make up. Sure I've made efforts to wear nicer clothes. I refuse to look at myself in the mirror. I am so overwhelmed by what would probably only take me an hour's worth of cleaning to do, that I've sat and cried most of the morning. More than that, I'm so overwhelmed by my homework and this week it is easy. I only have to read the text book and a link, do an annotated notation on it for the discussion board and then do the same for four of my narrative paper sources. No big deal. But I've panicked and cried over that. I don't know what my issue is with the damned shower. Yes, it is small. Yes, the humidity really gets to me, but I had some fixes for that. I have had trouble with this damned shower since we moved in and have wracked my brain over why I don't like, why I never want to go in it. I'm coming up with nothing except that I am depressed. Amanda asked me last night if I get a bad feeling when I am in there. The only thing I can think of is that once I step in, I want out as soon as possible and have to try to keep the panic down until I am out. That has never happened to me before and I am a totally water baby, I love the water. 

Worst of all, there are somethings that I am trying to set up for myself. Camp NaNoWriMo is this month. I haven't written anything. The office is in a way that I can go in and write. But that overwhlems me too. I am trying to do some research for a couple of other things, things I really want to do and those things overwhelm me. 

I am so overwhelmed that I can't move and its fucking ridiculous. I have got to get control of this. There is so much that I want to do. I feel like I am locked in a cage in a pit and my depression is standing at the lip with a cement truck, dangling the key and every day filling my pit with more and more cement. And while it does it, it's stripping away little bits of me every day.

In effort to not let the asshole win, I'm going to take some headache medicine, because I have a horrible headache from crying. I am going to lay down for a nap for a little bit, and later, I will force myself to get dressed and cleanup a little. And yeah, I already had my impulse eating and ate a pickle. At least they don't have calories. 

Update on the bucket list, Happy 4th, and today is a no pants no bra day

Happy Independence day to my American friends and Happy 4th to my international friends just because.

Today, I finally got that stupid paper finished. It's several hours late but I don't care. I find myself seriously bothered by the fact that I don't care and I think I am just ready to be done with school for awhile. Grad school is just going to have to wait for a bit, perhaps even longer than I intended for it t. I need some time. That being said, while I did look at my assignments this week, I am going to shut the computer down for a bit today and just sit pantless and braless, on the sofa. I might nap, I might read, I might watch anime or a movie, I might just sit and stare out the patio window while the birds and other various life forms run, hop, or fly around. I refuse to clean or do laundry or any more homework. 

I just need to relax for a bit. I over did it last weekend, week, and even this latest weekend and am truly and wholly paying for it. I'm even starting to get a little sick. 

My horrible aunt called me twice last week. I didn't answer because I didn't recognize either phone number from which she was calling. The 1st call was to tell me that she was in the hospital and was being treated for a blood clot in her lungs and that she'd been trying to get a hold of my mother for the last couple of days. Well, whether or not that was true, I wasn't up to playing her game, so I didn't return her call. I did, however, call my Dad and let him know so he could pass the message along to my Mom. Two days later, my aunt called again and left quite a long message stating that rehab couldn't give her what she needed, that she couldn't deal with my Mom, and that she wanted my Dad to give her injections. Also, and here is the best part, she didn't know what I had heard but that she has and will always love me and Amanda. That was when I deleted her message. I'm sorry, you don't get to tell your daughter that her best friend deserves AIDS because he is gay and then turn around and tell me, your niece, that you love me and my girlfriend when we live the same life style. Also, I've had it with how abominably she treats her daughter and my parents, especially my Mother. Actions have consequences bitch, it is time someone said enough is enough. I love my aunt and always will and it was really hard to cut her off, especially how family centered I am. However, I don't have to and refuse to put up with her shit anymore. Thankfully the people I care most about back home are finally starting to shut her out as well. 

Moving on to fun, happy stuff. I have an update to my Summer/Fall 2016 Bucket list.

1.Try Das Stein Haus I previously wrote about this, it was delicious. If anyone is ever on the North side of Spokane Wa, look up Das Stein Haus for authentic German food, you won't be disapointed. 

2.Silverwood with Amanda's Mom. Silverwood is always fun, lots of walking, but worth it. There's tons to see and do.

3.Stargazing (I actually want to do more and am going to break out my telescope one of these day)

4.Make Soap

I made soap. I will take it from the container today, cut it, and set it someplace safe to cure for the next 4-6 weeks. I really had fun doing it and would love to make some again, but I need to get some supplies of my own. Even though my friend was amazing and let me use a lot of her stuff, the next time I make soap, I want to use my own so I am not using up hers. This stuff is kind of expensive. 

5.See Lord Chaddum at Le Chateu Galunt on July 3rd (game) It was a good game. I had a lot of fun and my character drop kicked sulfur into a bunch of zombies and killed three. YAY! We are also looking at an online gig to play on for when we can't get together but can play for just an hour or so in our own respective homes. 

6. Get into the SCA (already started doing that- still a work in progress. However I do know that I am going to run two personas, one will be Viking- not sure which time period yet- and the other will be Chinese from around the 400s-600s, big time gap I know but I am narrowing it down. 

It occurs to me that a lot what is on my Summer/Fall 2016 Bucket List is geared more for the Fall months. So, I have been thinking about what else I can do during the summer, today. I may add more to my list and I may move some things, like some of my craft projects from the fall months into the summer months so they are ready for fall. I like this momentum I have and would very much like to keep it going.