Friday, July 1, 2011

Down is never a pleasant way to be.

For the last couple of weeks my forced perch has been at the end of my sofa by day and sleeping on the sofa by night. One afternoon I was in Gander Mountain with my girlfriend and her parents who were visiting from out of town and somehow or someway, I managed to throw my back out of sync. For the last couple of years I have had back issues and once even had to have it realigned. Normally I simply have a day or two where it hurts and I rest a little and then I am back to my usual self. However this time it wasn't so simple.

So, I took a trip to the doctor. I was put on pain pills and muscle relaxers but they only help a little. In fact this time the pain has been so debilitating that I couldn't walk, take a shower without assistance much less go to the bathroom alone. Needless to say to be 27 years old and so dependent on others when you take pride in making meals, having a clean house, and helping to take care of others has left me feeling guilty, useless, and such a burden.

Also, because of my back, I have had to drop out of two of my classes at ITT and the Chair of my Department is doing what he can to help me have some success this quarter by keeping me in one class. I have about half of my homework for that class finished but I will need to use all the time I have to finish catching up so that I may be caught up enough (at least book work wise) with the rest of the class. The labs I will have to schedule another time to go in and complete.

This physical hindrance has also had more than a few minor emotional repercussions. I have been worried about school, worried about others (family, friends, my cats), to be frank, I've had some pretty awful panic attacks. Since I haven't been able to do much, I've felt like I have lost a sense of purpose and meaning. I find myself constantly saying 'I'm sorry' and feeling so guilty and even clingy and yet withdrawn. I know a lot of that playing into the fact that I have depression and anxiety. However, when it takes you an hour to clean a small kitchen having to stop every ten minutes because your back is screaming agony, it makes it difficult to be A-okay. I've kind of been an emotional mess.

But there is a little more good news, per se. My girlfriend and I will be moving back in with my parents by July 15 and we will be saving up the money to get a really nice place of our own. One we can paint and really play with designing. It's a town house but one we can paint and make home improvements to.

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