2013: a year of quiet and constant fear. 2014: A year hoping for hope and happier things.

If I Only Knew by Zolaida @ deviant art

Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of good stuff happen in 2013 and I've have a lot to be thankful for, that I am truly thankful for. But all of that becomes so easily overshadowed so much of the time.

Since it is still 2013 in my part of the world, I thought I would get this out so I can be rid of it before 2014 comes, sort of starting with a new slate per se.

2013 has been a long and very difficult year. I've lived in constant and quiet fear of many things. I've been terrified that I won't get the help I need especially since I swallowed my pride and am of the asking. I've been terrified to try and work because I've been fired from one job for poor health, quit another because they said I would get fired if I missed anymore days period, and had to drop out of college due to my health troubles. All that fed the ravenous beast of anxiety I've fought since I can remember.

Quite frankly, sometimes going to bloody the grocery store, depending on how many people are there and how close in proximity they get to me, can cause panic. The worst part was when I would be scared of people, people I had no reason to be scared of and it has often been confusing. Not in the, I've lost my head sort of way, but rather in the 'why am I afraid of this person, there is no reason for me to be and they haven't done anything to me to make me scared of them', sort of way. An example of this is that I typically tell my parents everything, both of them are two of my best friends and I'm having trouble having conversations with my Dad. There's stuff that I want to talk to him about but can't quite get the words out of my mouth.   

Along with being afraid during the last year I have lost some pretty important things. Some of my pride and dignity being a large part. When you have days where you can't walk very well much less take a shower on your own or go to them bathroom without assistance I suppose you lose some of that, especially since you used to be the one who tried to take care of other people as much as you could.

I feel that I have lost a sense of self and and worth. I can't clean the house very well (for a kid who fought having chores, I found cleaning my own house and friend's houses therapeutic as an adult), can't cook as much as I would like. My small accomplishments, things I can do or have learned to do don't seem to mean anything much at all. This is something unspoken but every day implied where I currently live. I just can't quite compare in anything on any level with anyone. It's been a bit disheartening. 

In all arenas the people I am around have made me feel like shit for expressing my opinions and ideals. They barrel over me in conversation, make me feel horrible for putting my foot down on something or when I've tried to. A lot of the time I've felt bullied into things I never wanted to do in the first place and in that I felt as though I've lost control of my life. I have to do what everyone else wants because it will make everyone else happier and I am too exhausted to argue and in the end a fight, argument, or manipulation will only end up with me losing and doing what others want anyway. It has gotten so bad that my mother has decreed that I need to move home and it's not because she wants me to (she does, she really misses me) but it's because she's so shocked at how beaten down I've become. The old me wouldn't have put up a quarter of this shit.

I've lost people to talk to, friends who don't even really know how bad things really are, because I don't want to be that friend that no one wants to talk to because everything is always negative and depressing. It hurts because I always listen and cheer everyone else along but push them away so they don't really have to deal with me when it's my turn, it's the same shit different day anyway. No one can fix it or help anything, so why get everyone else down, you know?

I've also lost time with two people very dear to me, my Grandparents. They are both in their mid 80s and Grandpa has Alzhimer's disease. I don't expect most of my friends to understand the kind kind of relationship I have with these two people, most of my friends don't have the kind of relationship I have with them. They are like a second set of parents. They took me places when my parents couldn't, spent time with me, taught me things and not just life lessons, but actually taught me. Grandpa was a Master Teacher/ Librarian and Grandma was a Teacher. So when I couldn't read very well, Grandma helped. Both of them taught me about the history of the places we went, where they grew up, they are the last of the WW2 generation and they both grew up during the dust bowl. Grandma taught me how to sew, I could really go on but the point is, they aren't going to live forever and I'm afraid I won't get back home before they are gone.  
                           
Lastly, I've lost hope that there is anything good left for me.  Because I am afraid that nothing will turn out right, and very little has, I'm too afraid to hope that I will get to the things I really need/want. In fact I wrote a couple of months ago about having a day where I lost hope entirely, where I was completely at peace with dying. That's terrifying! At least it is to me now, in that moment it wasn't.

I can't live like this anymore. I can't continue live so dangerously close to the edge. 2014 can't be like

2013 because I don't know that I would survive it or survive it intact. So, in lieu of resolutions, because I always break those, I'm going to make some small goals. I want to be happier. I want to talk to my friends. I want to do more things and focus on the things that make me happy and tell people 'no' when something doesn't or if I really don't want to do something. I am tried of feeling bitter and angry because people don't understand how exhausting a lot of things are and how much more taxing it is to pretend that I'm just fine. I want to be able to tell them enough is enough and be able to allow others to take care of me from time to time. I just really hope this all doesn't backfire in my face. There's a lot I still want to do, a lot I want to see, and I really want to feel lighter, more positive things in the coming year.