Not Killing it in 2019

Ganked from Facebook.

I did not make resolutions, but I made semi-goals before the New Year holiday, of things I would like to work on. This might seem a little blase but I know and am used to things not turning out like I want or going as planned, so if not all of these things happen, or happen in the way in which I would like, I've decided to be okay with it. However, there are a few that simply must happen, and I'll start with my list. (Because I like lists, they are orderly) 

1. Learn more about and find extra and other ways of managing my mental illness. Yes, yes, I have depression and anxiety, but what I don't think I have mentioned is that my particular brand is borderline personality disorder (or I guess now people are calling it syndrome) couple with some PTSD, and severe Anxiety. I have started some research- thanks to Amanda going down a rabbit hole. Since going to therapy is now a point of stress for me (my therapist keeps pushing health insurance so she can charge me the full amount- which I get but we STILL can't afford health insurance at this time) I'm going to pay off my bill and not return. At this point the therapy isn't doing me any good, not if going makes me want to vomit in fear that she'll lecture me about getting health insurance. Instead, I want to try other things. My Dad said the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy workbook they used at the Corrections Facility for his clients is one of the better ones out there and he still has a copy and will send it to me. I mean it can't hurt. And I'm going to do some more research into it because the better I understand it, the easier it is for me to pick out what's going on and try to put the breaks on. I'm still going to cycle. I'm still going to have to take medicine. I'm still going to have really bad episodes, but if I can lessen them, even a little, I'll take it. I don't want to drown in this crap anymore. 

2. My physical health has been an issue for, well ever! I was a sick a lot as a kid. While I don't get sick as much anymore, I had PCOS (although I read that even if you have a full hysterectomy, you still have it- okay), a herniated disk in my lower back, and fibromyalgia. The fibro has been really bad lately. The fatigue part especially is kicking my ass. The minute I get comfortable, I am asleep and its getting beyond ridiculous and no, I don't have narcolepsy, yes, I get enough sleep. Worse, it's like I spend most of the day fighting sleep, trying to wake up. Also, I really don't feel like me anymore. I truly hate my body and have a disconnect with it. I know half of the weight issue is mine, I ate food, but the other half is genetics, medications that cause weight gain, and the pain from my back and fibro making me more sedentary than I want to be. I've already cut my food portions down, am drinking even more water, and have been trying to eat tiny, healthy snacks between small meals. We've also gotten a membership to Planet Fitness and are starting Taiko Drumming.  I have to get away from being so angry with my body for betraying me and not working right. I have to get away from wanting to punish it with my fists when things get really bad. I have to get away from wanting to take matters into my own hands and deal with it all myself. None of that is healthy. Not of this is my fault, but it is up to me to fix it.

3. I NEED to write at least the first draft of a novel this year. I can't let people make me feel bad about it either, tell me I am obsessed, that I need to find balance between writing and everything else, or whatever! Hearing offhanded or on handed comments like that has done nothing but make me question if I should even keep writing, made me feel like a shitty friend and wife, and I'm done. Sorry, can't cater other people as much I used to. Last year was depression and grief year, this year is take care of me year and everyone else can suck it. Sure, I'll still come out and play, there's a lot I want to do, but I'm not going to take anyone's shit for having my joy. If they don't want to hear about it, fine, but I'm not going to let them continue to drag me down for one of the few things that bring me real happiness and then bitch at me for not utilizing my talents. 

4. 20 books read in a year. That's going to happen again. Last year I barely got through one book and it was almost painful. I didn't even really finish it and I'm not entirely sure where it is. The story was good, I just couldn't seem to get through it. So, I started with a book my friend Chris gave me. It was a rocky start and I've put it down in favor of doing other things for a couple of days, but I'm hoping to finish it soon and move on to others. 

5. The Great Purge! I've heard of Marie Kondo's KonMari method and have even watched a couple of episodes of her show on Netflix. She is an adorable Japanese woman and I like her ideas, but not all of that is going to work. Still, being or showing gratitude to the things you've used or that have served you is really beautiful, in my opinion, and I am so ready to downsize. We have already gone through our clothing and are thinking of going through it again. We have stuff out in the garage and stuff in the house to go through and I'm ready to be done with a good portion of it. Let it go make someone else happy. And no, books are not on this list. There might be a few I will part with, but I am keeping most of them.   

6. Do stuff I want to do. I tend to wait around to see what Amanda wants to do, or I change or discard what I want to fit the wants and needs of Amanda and friends. That's okay, just not all the time. So, I'm going to do more stuff I like and want to do, within reason of course. Good thing my wants are simple and few, and I don't mind waiting if I need to.  

7. Working on my spiritual path and growth. Not gonna get into that much here. There are some things that are still bothering me and while I working on figuring out what to do with them and or come to terms with them, I'm going to press forward and spend time learning and exploring, and maybe along the way, the stuff that's bothering me will resolve. 

So far we're fifteen days into January and I'm getting a very slow start. I spent the beginning of the month recovering from the holidays. But I did manage to get some things not mentioned started and organized. We are slowly getting the house back in order and will be continuing our purge. I've started reading, as I said, and Amanda and I are reading a nightly gratitude's book. The writing is slow going. I am still doing a written RP with cousin Kat and recently I found all my flash drives. I've already gone through my computer and one of the flash drives to find what I need for the novel I want to work on and finish. I would like to finish up the world preliminary word building and character bios, and have some ideas of where I would like to head with the story and get at least one page written by the end of the week. That's not a lot, but it is a start. 

We have started going to Planet fitness and Taiko drumming as well. I have to take a time out to recover from the activities after, but whatever. And I have managed to a thing or two that I have wanted.     

2013: a year of quiet and constant fear. 2014: A year hoping for hope and happier things.

If I Only Knew by Zolaida @ deviant art

Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of good stuff happen in 2013 and I've have a lot to be thankful for, that I am truly thankful for. But all of that becomes so easily overshadowed so much of the time.

Since it is still 2013 in my part of the world, I thought I would get this out so I can be rid of it before 2014 comes, sort of starting with a new slate per se.

2013 has been a long and very difficult year. I've lived in constant and quiet fear of many things. I've been terrified that I won't get the help I need especially since I swallowed my pride and am of the asking. I've been terrified to try and work because I've been fired from one job for poor health, quit another because they said I would get fired if I missed anymore days period, and had to drop out of college due to my health troubles. All that fed the ravenous beast of anxiety I've fought since I can remember.

Quite frankly, sometimes going to bloody the grocery store, depending on how many people are there and how close in proximity they get to me, can cause panic. The worst part was when I would be scared of people, people I had no reason to be scared of and it has often been confusing. Not in the, I've lost my head sort of way, but rather in the 'why am I afraid of this person, there is no reason for me to be and they haven't done anything to me to make me scared of them', sort of way. An example of this is that I typically tell my parents everything, both of them are two of my best friends and I'm having trouble having conversations with my Dad. There's stuff that I want to talk to him about but can't quite get the words out of my mouth.   

Along with being afraid during the last year I have lost some pretty important things. Some of my pride and dignity being a large part. When you have days where you can't walk very well much less take a shower on your own or go to them bathroom without assistance I suppose you lose some of that, especially since you used to be the one who tried to take care of other people as much as you could.

I feel that I have lost a sense of self and and worth. I can't clean the house very well (for a kid who fought having chores, I found cleaning my own house and friend's houses therapeutic as an adult), can't cook as much as I would like. My small accomplishments, things I can do or have learned to do don't seem to mean anything much at all. This is something unspoken but every day implied where I currently live. I just can't quite compare in anything on any level with anyone. It's been a bit disheartening. 

In all arenas the people I am around have made me feel like shit for expressing my opinions and ideals. They barrel over me in conversation, make me feel horrible for putting my foot down on something or when I've tried to. A lot of the time I've felt bullied into things I never wanted to do in the first place and in that I felt as though I've lost control of my life. I have to do what everyone else wants because it will make everyone else happier and I am too exhausted to argue and in the end a fight, argument, or manipulation will only end up with me losing and doing what others want anyway. It has gotten so bad that my mother has decreed that I need to move home and it's not because she wants me to (she does, she really misses me) but it's because she's so shocked at how beaten down I've become. The old me wouldn't have put up a quarter of this shit.

I've lost people to talk to, friends who don't even really know how bad things really are, because I don't want to be that friend that no one wants to talk to because everything is always negative and depressing. It hurts because I always listen and cheer everyone else along but push them away so they don't really have to deal with me when it's my turn, it's the same shit different day anyway. No one can fix it or help anything, so why get everyone else down, you know?

I've also lost time with two people very dear to me, my Grandparents. They are both in their mid 80s and Grandpa has Alzhimer's disease. I don't expect most of my friends to understand the kind kind of relationship I have with these two people, most of my friends don't have the kind of relationship I have with them. They are like a second set of parents. They took me places when my parents couldn't, spent time with me, taught me things and not just life lessons, but actually taught me. Grandpa was a Master Teacher/ Librarian and Grandma was a Teacher. So when I couldn't read very well, Grandma helped. Both of them taught me about the history of the places we went, where they grew up, they are the last of the WW2 generation and they both grew up during the dust bowl. Grandma taught me how to sew, I could really go on but the point is, they aren't going to live forever and I'm afraid I won't get back home before they are gone.  
                           
Lastly, I've lost hope that there is anything good left for me.  Because I am afraid that nothing will turn out right, and very little has, I'm too afraid to hope that I will get to the things I really need/want. In fact I wrote a couple of months ago about having a day where I lost hope entirely, where I was completely at peace with dying. That's terrifying! At least it is to me now, in that moment it wasn't.

I can't live like this anymore. I can't continue live so dangerously close to the edge. 2014 can't be like

2013 because I don't know that I would survive it or survive it intact. So, in lieu of resolutions, because I always break those, I'm going to make some small goals. I want to be happier. I want to talk to my friends. I want to do more things and focus on the things that make me happy and tell people 'no' when something doesn't or if I really don't want to do something. I am tried of feeling bitter and angry because people don't understand how exhausting a lot of things are and how much more taxing it is to pretend that I'm just fine. I want to be able to tell them enough is enough and be able to allow others to take care of me from time to time. I just really hope this all doesn't backfire in my face. There's a lot I still want to do, a lot I want to see, and I really want to feel lighter, more positive things in the coming year.