Monday, August 11, 2014

It is done but not quite over....

Skoora said this picture was me
Yesterday, after procrastinating to the last day, I finally sat down and wrote my WW2 paper. I did not do it alone, I wrote it with Captain Morgan (spiced Rum in RC- since we didn't have coke) and dark instrumental music playing in the background. And after ten hours with breaks only for the bathroom and to eat lunch and dinner, I managed to write, do a read through, and edit my paper. Without giving it another look through I quickly turned it in- it was about 20 minutes late after all- on the school website, posted it to the discussion forum, and did two quick replies to last week's discussion topic.

Whew! It's done, but the class isn't quite over. I still have to read a fellow classmate's paper, read this week's reading, and do a discussion board posts for both of those and I think that's it. But it is still a lot of reading that I don't particularly want to do.  The upside is that I will get a one week break before the next term starts up! I am looking forward to it. There are so many things I want to do. I would like to dig out the autumn/Halloween stuff from the garage, go through it, and start decorating. I want to work on my afghan, get some embroidery projects started, do a couple of art projects (I have been itching to paint and have three large blank canvases just sitting in my bedroom), maybe take a day and make up some Halloween cards to send out. Oh and I really need to finish making that special photo book for my Grandparents. I would also like to read and do some writing. I have several books that I've borrowed from the library and I would love to read them! As far as writing, I really need to update my pagan blog, I am so behind in posting there. But most importantly, I need to jump back into the Witch story I started not so long ago.  

I know I won't get to all of it, or even get all of it done, but just finishing a couple of things, starting others, and or moving the ball along on the rest would be really great. I sort of put all my fun art and craft projects on hold because I felt guilty over them. I decided that I couldn't do them while I had homework that needed to be done, but I didn't want to do my homework, so I ended up pushing everything off. Of course losing my best friend/familiar (Yoda-chan) didn't help anything. Nor did getting a very rambunctious kitten (Narcisa) and she gets into everything! Did I mention that she woke me up the other morning by pouncing on my ass? Little sharp kitten claws are not a pleasant wake up call.

Speaking of cats and losing them, I crumbled into a sobbing mess on Saturday after going to the community barbecue with the IEPG group. What started as me telling Skoora- on our drive home no less- that it hurts to be torn in two over whether or not we should move back to Kansas or make the move over to Spokane, WA, escalated into me breaking down completely once we finally got home and were behind the closed door of our bedroom. I hold so much in much of the time that when it finally comes flooding out, it's almost like a tsunami of emotion. I cried over the loss of my Yoda, the loss of such a close and dear relationship, over how much I still need my cat and that friendship and connection we developed over so many years. I cried over the fact that I don't really have that with Galen because he is such a strange kitty and so bitchy all the time and doesn't really like to be held or even petted most of the time. Narcisa is so young and we've had her maybe three weeks, we haven't had time to develop a relationship. It's really not fair to ask a baby kitten to fill the shoes of a kitty she never met when all she wants to do is play and be a kitten. Eventually she will settle down and she really does make me happy- I would never ever return an animal I adopted- I love to play with her.

But I also cried over the fact that yes, it physically hurt being so torn as to what to do. My parents just want me to be happy. People who I've briefly mentioned moving back to Kansas say I should do what's best for me. Friends back home want me in Kansas and friends here want me to stay, some even want Skoora and I to move in with them. But then there is my 86 year old Grandpa who has Alzheimer's who told my mom that I am his favorite Granddaughter and if and Grandma sent me the money, would I move back home? My Grandma who is also 86, is really beginning to fall apart physically and she, too, would like me to move home. I know both my parents would like me to move back and my cousin Shi-chan is almost desperate for me to come home. I don't want to have regrets or disappoint any of them. I want to spend as much time as I can with my family, well, those that I still speak to (there are very good reasons I don't speak to several) anyway. And yet at the same time, I love the friends I have made up here. I really enjoy and love learning from the people in the IEPG and some of those new friends within the group had made Skoora and I family. I also love the landscape and weather (minus the hot summer, but I never liked summer).

But it is more than that and has to do with finances and such and all of it is harrowing and so upsetting. I would really like to talk to someone about it who is outside the issue. I might talk with someone from the IEPG tonight at the Full moon ritual. Or I might wait and talk to them online. I'm not sure and I hate to bother someone with this stuff. That's another problem, even when we could afford therapy, I felt guilty venting to my therapist because I didn't want to bother her about all my dumb problems. I know, I don't really make much sense.    


  1. I understand you still morning the loss. I still tear up sometimes, over the loss of Sookie - my baby girl that I lost 5 years ago.

    You should totally dig out the Halloween decorations already now. Especially if it will lift your spirits.

    1. I haven't really had the time to dig out the decorations in the last couple of days and Skoora wants to get our bedroom cleaned up (it's a cluttered mess at the moment- we have to put so much stuff away) first. But I suspect I will be in the garage soon.

      I'm so sorry you lost your baby. *hugs* Shall I cheer you up a little? Narcisa just freaked out over her own reflection in a picture frame she just passed.