Thursday, August 21, 2014

It's a week off with tangled yarn in the literal and non literal sense. Some more annoying self reflection.

Mirror Mask by InertiaK on Deviantart
 This is my week off, the week between last term and the upcoming term. I was excited for it, needed it, and had so many plans- most of which I knew I wasn't going to get to or accomplish but it was nice to think, hey I will actually have a little time to do this or that. 

I have managed to work on an afghan until the yarn became too tangled for me to deal with where I was at the time and also I was nearing the end of that scane. So, having other scanes for another afghan project, I had a friend show me how to start that project and have been working on it here and there. So that is at least one craft project in the works. 

Another was to find a picture in the pose I want for a painting of Freyja, the Norse Goddess, that I want to do. I found what I want and also some clothing ideas, some kitty pics and so forth for reference. All of that has been printed out and slipped into a safe place to start that work as soon as I am ready. Of course that's the easy part. And if I ever get it done, I will be sure t post pictures. I don't really see myself as some great or amazing artist, but color, I can do color fairly well. 

The third craft project I started was finding some embroidery patterns to transfer to a set of dish towels. Once again, I have found what I want, printed them out, and they are ready to go for later. but the last project I wanted to work on was that sort of scrap book for my Grandparents. I have decided that I need some more pictures of them or I am going to have to cut down on the pages, but that kind of defeats that purpose. So I have to have my Grandma and my Dad get their butts in gear so I can get this finished. 

Now today, I have decided to devote the day to writing blog posts for m Witchy blog and maybe some for the craft blog. I have been so behind on both

Some little big things have been happening. To some they would be little whereas for me they are big. I have been so focused on moving back to Kansas for the last three years. I wasn't ready to move away when we did, and for the most part I have been miserable here. There are a lot of reasons big and small, one of the main ones is that we have been living with Skoora's parents for the last three years. Still, things began to lighten this last February and were sort of getting better, a little easier in some ways per se. And then I lost Yoda-Chan and my whole world came crashing down around me. I haven't exactly been alright since then. Everything that I had been working to just ignore, to stop being angry or sad over, all the little and big things that have been bothering me over the last three years have really come raring up in my face. I'm not happy about this or the panic attacks, how overwhelmed I get, or all the damned frustration. On top of that I have had a whole new set of problems to stress over. 

Around February I started going to events and get together's with the Inland Empire Pagan Guild. It's kind of become a second home for me. It's really the first place in a very long time that I actually fit in and pretty much fit in with everyone. This is my village per se and I am learning a lot from them. So much so that, along with the physical landscape (mountains, lakes, and forests) I am really drawn to be here. Don't get me wrong, I love the Plains of Kansas and I love my family and miss them more than I could ever put into words except maybe that it hurts to be so far away from them. I'm a 30 year old woman who still wants/needs hugs from Mom, Dad, Grandma and Grandpa. But I don't think I am going to be moving back home. I think the reality is that while there are several colleges in Wichita, Ks, that Skoora can apply for, there are only openings at the few colleges near by in Washington State. 

So, the other day Skoora and I curled up on the bed together and, for fun, looked at houses in the Spokane, WA area. We found a couple, there is one I really want and the only thing I don't like is the kitchen. It's stupid, no really it truly is. The other two houses were built around 1910 and are lovely- no air conditioning but we could get a window unit. The reality of that however is that we can't even begin to afford a house no matter how much we want one. That's just something we will need to save up for, after we get things paid off. 

We have been looking at apartments instead. Our criteria has been: Pets allowed (that's a big one since we have two cats- Ellie is Skoora's parent's cat), dishwasher (I really don't mind doing dishes but it kills my back), a washer and dryer or at least hookups for them (we aren't doing the laundry mat thing again), and lastly enough space to actually be able to move. Some places are outrageous in their pricing. A lot of places don't allow pets. But there have been some that we are going to go look at that have all of those things. I just figure that we will take a day when Skoora has a day off and maybe there's something going on with the IEPG so we can kill two birds with one stone so to speak, to check some of them out. 

But what is scary about all of this is what when I was looking at houses and apartments in Spokane Vs Wichita, I was kind of excited about Spokane and I didn't feel any excitement for the Wichita apartments. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that there's a lot of extended family problems I have to deal with back home. I have an aunt and two cousins I would see nearly all the time that I just no longer have the patience to deal with their bullshit. I have an aunt, uncle, and cousins on the other side of the family who I just wont even speak to anymore because of how appallingly they have treated my parents and even me on occasion. Not to mention how much their self importance upsets my Grandma. I also have to hide two very important things about myself from my Grandparents. A, that I am in a relationship with a woman (Grandma is a very conservative christian). We are pretty sure she knows or suspects but it's something we just don't talk about. B, that I'm no longer and have been a christian for a very long time. She would think she'd done something wrong, that she didn't have me over for enough church events and so forth. But it wasn't her at all. It's just not the right religion for me. Thankfully the cousin I do care about, Shi-chan (We are seven months apart and grew up more like sisters) and my parents don't care about these things and are very supportive. I also have two friend back in Wichita who are supportive and caring too. Honestly, I wish I could win the lottery and set all of us up in houses, working vehicles (because in America we don't really have trains like in Europe- Some of the bigger cities have subways and such around the coasts), and pay off all our damned bills. But that's just a dream and not likely to happen. 

Lastly, because this is turning into a much longer blog than I wanted, I realized that I forgot to take my meds before I left the house, and I need to get home to make something for lunch before I get sick, I had a bad night last night. I didn't have nightmares or anything like that. I don't even really remember my dreams. I know I had some, I have the feeling like I did, but I can't remember them. no, the problem was waking up in the middle of the night with a horrible migraine. I thought I was going to be sick it was so awful. I had to get up, find some ibuprofen, get a wet washcloth, and then climb back into bed and lie really still. It worked but I over slept this morning so I feel as if it should be noon instead of 2 in the afternoon. I'm still not feeling so well today. I'm sluggish but I've since learned that the sluggishness is from anemia. I ave also been having problems with my back again. 

Oh one last thing I promise. I am trying to find some very very part time work in the mornings. Quite frankly it terrifies me. I haven't worked in 4 years. I will never count the two days of bullshit training I had from PTI before they decided they didn't want Skoora and I. We apparently couldn't work enough, which I think is bullshit because they knew we would only be available for two days a week. ugh! Anyway, so, I have to try and find something that won't kill me physically and won't be so stressful (like a call center) that I am taking xanax just to get through work. 


  1. *hugs* we have so much stuff that is going to change for us in the very near future - just know that I love you and we'll figure it out <3

    1. Yes, well I'm the one with little or no control over how soon that change happens.

  2. These are not small things at all; one's living situation and one's work situation are just about the two biggest things in life (next to love and health). I hope you figure it all out and manage to take care of yourself at the same time.

    1. Me too, I keep seeing good things happening all around and I think perhaps some good and positive changes will start happening for us.