Monday, April 6, 2015

Things, stuff, cats, depression, and pretty colors.

My pseudo brother, Lucas, posted this picture for me over on Facebook when I was feeling really down several days ago. I love it and I am going to print, frame, and hang it on my wall in front of my desk, right next to my manifestation board. Seeing this picture helps sometimes, in a weird way. 

A lot has happened since we came home from our trip to Seattle and I had to take Galen in to be put to sleep. I have been hurting, but like usual when death comes to visit, I shut down a little bit to take care of business. I was also really swollen after the trip (my legs and feet swell sometimes) and trying to keep up with school work. But then the weekend hit, Ostara came (last weekend), and I threw myself into helping where ever I could, for as long as I could. That day was truly something strange. I felt off and depressed, I desperately wanted to just sit and observe all the wonderful new people, and be a bit antisocial, but when your High Priestess asks you to mingle and socialize, you do it. I know I whined a tiny bit, but I was happy and a little bit tickled and honored that she asked. It's only right to help make people feel as welcome as I felt when I first joined the IEPG and I had a good time. We did have some upsets that day, someone said something to someone else, and our favorite Crone had to be rushed to the hospital because her husband had been taken there. We were all worried about them, especially since said favorite Crone had fallen the week or so before and broken her ankle. Every time I hear about an elderly person falling, I get a little scared. Maybe it's because I care and maybe because I have 86 year old Grandparents myself. 

This last week has been an off one too. My student loans came in so I ordered my books and got some necessities like shampoo, soap, and a hair brush, you know, the toiletries. I also paid some bills and I have some left over to get art supplies should I need them for my drawing class. My school didn't have them listed yet, only a note stating that additional supplies might be needed. 

On the subject of school, I have been very frustrated lately. My degree is Creative Writing with a focus on fiction but the last four terms have been nothing but crappy, get shit out of the way classes. Every time I think I've got an actual writing class, "oops, sorry, its not what you thought". Next term, I made certain that I have a writing class, it's an advanced fiction writing workshop and because I need a bit of a break, I have a drawing class. I just desperately need to stop feeling like I am wasting my time with filler classes. Did I mention that my program says that I am set to graduate in 2018. Are you kidding me? What about all the credits I had that transferred over? I really should have a nice long conversation with my adviser but truth be told, I don't like talking on the phone to people I don't know, and I don't like the idea that my school is recording it. Yes, I am paranoid I grew up with a Corrections Officer for a parent and he's even more paranoid than I am. But more than that, I don't know if I like my adviser. He's nice enough, just really pushy about wanting to talk on the phone all the time when e-mail correspondences would do me just fine. 

Oh and homework last week. I was plain overwhelmed with my English class and blew it off, which really sucks since I have an A in that class. Amanda said she'd help me but we just never got around to it. She has her own homework to do. She did promise to help me out with mine this evening. It's not that I can't do it or don't understand it, it's that there is so much that I need a little help this week breaking it down and smoothing it out.

Really, I've been fluctuating between neutral and depressed and anxious, with little moments of contentment and happiness few and far between. Its due to a lot of different things. We are still living with Amanda's parents and will be for awhile. I get that, there's not much I can do about it. However, I do get frustrated when I spend all day in the bedroom working on homework and want to come out in the evenings to eat dinner and maybe watch a little something or even read or do a craft and I can't. Either her father has control of the TV and thus the volume or her mother does and her mother wants to yack at me all the time. I really do like these people, I even love them, but there are times I really wish they would just go on a freaking date! There have been some other things going on in the house and some more awful developments within Amanda's family. There have been some in mine too. But there have been some good things too. 

For my family, I can't talk about anything Pagan or even relationship related with my Grandma. She's a dyed in the wool Christian and I think it would break her heart if I verbally admitted to being in a relationship with Amanda. I know she suspects, she's not stupid, but its something we just don't talk about. If I told her I was a Witch, she'd probably have a heart attack or die of a broken heart on the spot. Another reason I don't talk about too much with my Grandma anymore is because of Grandpa. He has Alzheimer's and its getting a lot worse. She has so much on her plate with that that I feel it's better to set my problems aside and let her vent as much as she needs and wants to. 

As for my parents, well my Dad found a job at Wal-mart as a security guard. He's been really depressed lately and doesn't want to talk on the phone or talk very much at all. Of course it would help if he had his meds. My Mom has been trying to quit smoking and her twin, my evil aunt, hasn't been helping. In fact, my aunt is making everyone's life around those parts, miserable. So my Mom is angry frustrated, and depressed and is basically telling me that she's being selfish in saying that she wishes I would just move home.  But how can I move home? I don't want to deal with all that crap from my Aunt like she has too. The state is on the verge of bankruptcy, or so I have read, and now they want to pass that stupid religious freedom law that might make it impossible for Amanda and I to live anywhere (if what I have read about that to be true, actually is). Furthermore, Kansas opted out of Obamacare so how will that help me? Going back to Kansas, just won't work for us. And of course, no one will move up here, or even try to come and visit which is really hurtful and upsetting. Especially, when I've offered to pay for it. Actually, you know what, that's another blog post for another time. This one is getting long and I at least want to end on a happy note. 

My hair shortly after it was first dyed
I have said fuck it. Don't get me wrong, I love having black hair, it feels right, and I think it looks nice. But I don't like having flat color all the time. So I bleached my hair and dyed it blue and purple. Of course after dying your hair permanently black for several years, not all the black will lift. And most of the purple very quickly because I apparently didn't leave it on long enough. But it was a  lot of fun and I am going to do it again. My Mom is worried that I am going to fry my hair. I keep telling her that I am okay, that I am taking care of it. I really want to have mermaid hair next and I am going to go for it. So look for those pictures. Also, look for a coming post about our adventures to Seattle and all the fun pictures I took while there.      


  1. There are so many things in this post that I want to respond to, I should really write you an email. But I only have a few minutes on someone else's laptop again, so I'll make it snappy:

    I'm so sorry about Galen. I know you've had lots of health issues with him, but I was hoping it would turn out. RIP, Galen.

    I'm glad to hear your dad's found a job. I'm sad to hear you are having even more issues within your families, you and Amanda.

    I really encourage you to have a talk with your teacher/guidance counselor. I myself have been in the position where I needed to transfer points from one year/course to another, and once it was done it was just such a weight off.

    1. Hello,
      Thank you about Galen. i really miss him but it doesn't hurt as much today.
      I am going to talk to the guidance councilor. I am going to send him an e-mail probably today, if not tomorrow. :)