Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Stress, depression, and anger sitting in the dark

I found this on my facebook feed. I think I need to print it, frame it, and hang it on my wall. I have been too stressed lately. I have also been depressed- but then again I always am and accept that, but worse, I have been angry.  I get angry that I am angry because the things I am angry about are so pointless or completely helpless- as in it doesn't matter what I do about it, it will end badly so why even try to fix it. Then that supposed to be wonderful phrase of "setting your boundaries" echos in my head and grrrrr, I just don't even want to get into it. Then I get depressed because I am so sad that I allowed myself to get angry or upset in the first place or even that I got stressed out and boy am I stressed out. I know that we humans live with at least a marginal amount of stress, that's life, but I swear if it isn't one thing its another. And it all cycles.

Amanda's driver's side car door is broken again. The tires still need to be replaced. The heat in my jeep is still broken, but hey, we managed to get new windshield wipers! Woo Hoo! 
Both cars have gas and are running, so that is something to celebrate. 

I am frustrated with several of my friends and no, I don't want to talk or even vent about it.

I've decided after years of saying that I was going to do it, that I am going to make a sign to hang outside my front door that pretty much says "don't talk about politics, religion, social issues or trigger warnings in this house unless invited to do so. This is the neutral zone and if you are too delicate or fragile for that, get lost". Or something to that effect. I am tired of it. I am tired of people thinking they need to police other people or that people shouldn't have this or that. This is my house and I refuse to be lectured, told what's right and wrong, or "reeducated" within it. I know it's all passive aggressive, but damn it, I fucking hate confrontation. A sign, you don't need to say a thing. Of course that is part of my problem, I am too polite and too nice to call people out on their bullshit or tell them when they are being offensive. 

The good news is that I have enrolled in health care. I am waiting on my cards to arrive in the mail so I can start looking for doctors and setting up appointments. I'm going to have to find a therapist and break them in. 

I need some time to myself. I do get some but I would like time where I don't have to worry about homework. Speaking of, I'm going to fail formal logic. I haven't failed a class in a long time and I just don't care. I can't find a tutor at the school- at least one isn't listed for that class. I e-mailed my adviser and that's really my last shot. Otherwise, fuck it. It really isn't the end of the world, but it certainly doesn't feel good. 

Another thing that doesn't feel good is the fact that I an feel myself inching closer to a breakdown. I don't want that. 

Back to needing some time to myself. I need a couple of days to just read, meditate, and relax without someone asking me for something or wanting to come over to my house. I was told that there is a lot of good energy in my house and I'd like to keep it that way. So, I may devote this weekend- after I get done with IEPG stuff, to homework, working ahead, to buy myself a couple of days of rest. It's so weird but I feel drained by people who aren't even here.

Oh well. I am going to make a yummy dinner and fresh pot of coffee for Amanda. We are going to a World Religion Celebration or some such with PFLAG tonight. Apparently they asked someone from our IEPG group to speak and since Amanda and I are the resident lesbian couple in the IEPG, that someone thought we should attend and answer any questions. I also need to make myself look presentable. I might feel better with pretty hair and make up.


  1. Anger is a normal symptom of depression and a normal reaction to stress. It's often a secondary emotion though, so it can be helpful to analyze what the underlying primary emotion really is.
    I hope you feel a bit better soon!