Background nostalgia, angry sass, and what the fuck was that?!

Lately, as in within the last week or so, Amanda and I have begun our mornings with coffee and watching NHK World. Generally we get half an hour of news and then half an hour of whatever program comes on before or after it- just kind of depends on when we turn on the TV. Then she heads off to work and I leave the channel on in the background while I either take a nap or begin puttering about the house doing whatever it is I need to do. Sometimes I just sit and watch it for a little bit. But I was trying to figure out why I like having it on so much, I mean other than the channel having news I can actually stand and some interesting programs about Japan and Japanese culture. While I was in the bathroom today, I could hear it and realized after I had an odd memory tug, that it is nostalgia. It is summer, the air conditioner is making the house pleasantly cold, and the sound of a news caster filling the house reminds me of summers growing up. My Mom used to watch the news at noon before her soap operas came on for the afternoon. Our house nearly always felt cold and it was nice because I could curl up with a blanket and pillow and just be. So, in this sense, I suppose its a comfort.

This weekend I let some of my normally restrained sass out. I was saying all manner of things. It happens when I get pissed. Aside from hurting my knee, my heel cracked, and the damned neighbor kids were driving me nuts. Now, instead of just ripping up the grass and throwing it and twigs at my patio door, they are banging on the glass. All day the other day they were doing it no matter how many times I asked them to stop. I told them they could look at the kitties but they had to stay off the patio. I was ignored. After about three times of asking them to go away, I snapped at them. It didn't help. The lady who watches them wasn't doing anything and at the advice of Chris, I will be filing a formal complaint. My agitation continued througout the day and into the next. I also had some weird ass dreams that unsettled me and I don't remember why. I know that the Queen of England and Benedict Cumberbatch was in one dream and there was something to do with WW2, and a table in a room with markers and construction paper. I am still bothered by it. 

Yesterday was better. Amanda and I had a bit of a lazy day. She did some laundry and made us breakfast and we both made dinner. I made some no bake cookies with sunflower butter and we watched a comedian on Netflix. I started an anime but ended up turning it off to go to bed early. By that, I mean I laid on the bed and played with Thorin for a little bit. That's where I got myself into some trouble. Amanda came in and wanted me to move so we could put the clean sheets on. I had been laying on my stomach and as I rolled, sat up and started to slide off the bed (our bed is up high) I had one of the most horrible pains throughout my middle that I have ever felt. I can't even really describe it except that it was so bad I wanted to vomit and got that cold clammy pass out feeling. It subsided a little after a few minutes, but I was so sore after that I could't get comfortable in bed. I ended up sleeping on the sofa, which sucked. I still don't know what the hell happened. I feel better today. My friend Chris thinks I pulled some muscles. Could be. 

The good news for today is that I did my hair and make up today. I haven't felt up to doing either in awhile. I also signed up for Fat Girl Yoga, the first class is free. I figure that will give me enough of an idea of whether or not I can do it to see if I want to continue on and register for more classes. I also figure it will give me an idea of how best to position myself so I don't hurt myself. Other than that, my friend Chris is coming over for dinner tonight and we may or may not paint. 

Bad news from the GYN.

My GYN called me today to give me the test results of my ultrasound and biopsy. Both are abnormal.  He said I have hyperplasia- a pre cancerous growth in my uterus, and he is sending me to the Cancer Center Northwest. He said that they are going to do the hysterectomy like he would, probably a little more and make sure nothing has spread outward. They will also probably keep and eye on me for a year afterward. 

I kept telling people there was something wrong, for YEARS, I told them. 

I'm going back and forth between pissed, crying, and everything is all over the place but hey at least it is snowing!

I think I am going to go find something to eat for lunch and go back to watching War and Peace.  

Talked to my Gyno's office this morning...

At the urging of some of my friends, I was going to call my gynecologist's office this morning to talk about the amount of pain, how weak, how much I want to throw up, and so on, things I am experiencing from the withdraw of the progesterone. Well, the gynecologist's office beat me to it and actually called me. They wanted to reschedule the ultrasound I was too sick to go to, schedule more lab work, as well as my biopsy. Okay, that's fine, but when I am expressing to them that I am in a lot of pain, I am completely miserable, and they ignore it, I'm more than a little pissed. 

I can deal with bleeding all over, the fucking huge clots, the fact that I'm going through pads right and left, and can't leave the house because just going to the bathroom takes so much energy out of me. What I can't deal with is the weakness, the rampant nausea, and feeling like I'm being torn apart from the inside out. I hurt so bad, the pain is going down both legs and my fucking toenails hurt. I've had panicked crying fits, panic attacks, and have been fighting urges to claw at my skin and cut my own uterus. But, nope, the lady on the phone could give a fuck. Such is life. 

Stress, depression, and anger sitting in the dark

I found this on my facebook feed. I think I need to print it, frame it, and hang it on my wall. I have been too stressed lately. I have also been depressed- but then again I always am and accept that, but worse, I have been angry.  I get angry that I am angry because the things I am angry about are so pointless or completely helpless- as in it doesn't matter what I do about it, it will end badly so why even try to fix it. Then that supposed to be wonderful phrase of "setting your boundaries" echos in my head and grrrrr, I just don't even want to get into it. Then I get depressed because I am so sad that I allowed myself to get angry or upset in the first place or even that I got stressed out and boy am I stressed out. I know that we humans live with at least a marginal amount of stress, that's life, but I swear if it isn't one thing its another. And it all cycles.

Amanda's driver's side car door is broken again. The tires still need to be replaced. The heat in my jeep is still broken, but hey, we managed to get new windshield wipers! Woo Hoo! 

Both cars have gas and are running, so that is something to celebrate. 

I am frustrated with several of my friends and no, I don't want to talk or even vent about it.

I've decided after years of saying that I was going to do it, that I am going to make a sign to hang outside my front door that pretty much says "don't talk about politics, religion, social issues or trigger warnings in this house unless invited to do so. This is the neutral zone and if you are too delicate or fragile for that, get lost". Or something to that effect. I am tired of it. I am tired of people thinking they need to police other people or that people shouldn't have this or that. This is my house and I refuse to be lectured, told what's right and wrong, or "reeducated" within it. I know it's all passive aggressive, but damn it, I fucking hate confrontation. A sign, you don't need to say a thing. Of course that is part of my problem, I am too polite and too nice to call people out on their bullshit or tell them when they are being offensive. 

The good news is that I have enrolled in health care. I am waiting on my cards to arrive in the mail so I can start looking for doctors and setting up appointments. I'm going to have to find a therapist and break them in. 

I need some time to myself. I do get some but I would like time where I don't have to worry about homework. Speaking of, I'm going to fail formal logic. I haven't failed a class in a long time and I just don't care. I can't find a tutor at the school- at least one isn't listed for that class. I e-mailed my adviser and that's really my last shot. Otherwise, fuck it. It really isn't the end of the world, but it certainly doesn't feel good. 

Another thing that doesn't feel good is the fact that I an feel myself inching closer to a breakdown. I don't want that. 

Back to needing some time to myself. I need a couple of days to just read, meditate, and relax without someone asking me for something or wanting to come over to my house. I was told that there is a lot of good energy in my house and I'd like to keep it that way. So, I may devote this weekend- after I get done with IEPG stuff, to homework, working ahead, to buy myself a couple of days of rest. It's so weird but I feel drained by people who aren't even here.

Oh well. I am going to make a yummy dinner and fresh pot of coffee for Amanda. We are going to a World Religion Celebration or some such with PFLAG tonight. Apparently they asked someone from our IEPG group to speak and since Amanda and I are the resident lesbian couple in the IEPG, that someone thought we should attend and answer any questions. I also need to make myself look presentable. I might feel better with pretty hair and make up.

Still getting caught up, Roy Mustang, Keeping track of food makes you feel like a pig, at least it's tasty!

Roy Mustang from Fullmetal Alchemist because I neeeeeeed him, or rather to look at him. He is eye candy for my strained, tried, sandpapery eyes. That and he always cheers me up and after some things I saw tonight, I really need that. Don't worry, nothing tragic- unless you call seeing some bitch you used to know actually making a profit off of something she just decided to sit down and do one day. Something that you have been developing and putting in long hours of your life hone your skills and actually be good at. Ehm, no, I'm not bitter at all. But let me clarify why I am so bitter and the aforementioned reason is really just the poisoned icing of the matter.

If she and I were still friends, I wouldn't be angry over her success. I would be proud of her and cheering her on. But we aren't still friends and I don't think anyone who has done the kinds of horrible shit she's done to other people should get to live a happy life with everything she's ever wanted and still shit on the people she's hurt the most. Seeing her vanity/self published works get such great reviews over on amazon tonight was infuriating and hell. I know I shouldn't allow her to still get under my skin, but really after everything she did to Amanda's parents, the things she said about them that were so far from the truth it wasn't even funny, all the pain and suffering, and mess Amanda and I had to help clean up and are kind of being punished for even now. It is not fair. And I know life isn't fair but if life isn't fair then by the gods, I think that bitch should drown in her own vomit or choke on glass! 

Needless to say I was so pissed and upset I ate a cupcake and then one more snack than I was supposed to and then chased it with a bottle of water, as if that makes it better. I've started keeping track of my food intake and trying to limit how much I eat as well as changing how I eat in general so I can lose weight. I know things are stacked against my in a lot of respects but I believe I can do it and I have a wonderful friend helping me out and between her and Amanda supporting me and vice versa, I think we can all get to where we want to be. Of course, I haven't had the best two food days and looking back... yeah I need some work and to cut some of the convenience stuff out. It's just far too easy to put a pizza in the oven when your back is killing you and you're tired and still have a shit ton of homework to do.  

Slowly but surely I am finally getting caught up on my homework from that week of being sick and having such a hellish time in math. I've managed to complete two modules in Context of writing and only have one thing left to finish in the last module. I had a great tutoring appointment with the math people and have finally finished the horrible chapter I was having problems with and while I had to take the test three time, I got it! I do have to do two more modules and the test but once all of that is done, I can take a day or so to just breathe.  

We are having a little bit of trouble with our mail carrier. She seems to be too lazy to walk packages to our door and knock. In fact she was too lazy to bring a note about how she was holding 4 parcels and didn't know if I actually lived here, never mind that she has delivered packages and mail to me at this residence for the last three years. I am not the only one who has had trouble with this in town. Apparently there is a new law stating that all the parcels from the Veteran's Hospital need to be signed for. Of course I learned that while standing in line to get stamps and pick up my packages from an angry, disabled Veteran who didn't get his package of medication. He was not happy. Of course our particular mail carrier hadn't come back to the post office yet so we had to pick up my packages this morning, where I heard that yet another person was in for the same reason I was. Another carrier failed to leave a package like they were supposed too. Now I get that they are swamped and I sympathize. But that is no way to run a business. They need to hire more people on during the holidays, even temporary workers, because otherwise, if this shit keeps up, people are going to take their business elsewhere. One of my friends said she was bypassing USPS and going to ship a package to us through FedEx. I don't blame her. I am considering them as well to ship one to my parents.  Although, my parent's mail carrier is very good.

But anyway, I am going to bed for now. I didn't sleep very well last night and have been up since 8 am this morning.