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| Voltron: Legendary Defender |
Firstly, I'm feeling a little bit better. Time helps ease a lot of things, not all, but some. And so, I felt up to another attempt of returning to the blogosphere.
Amanda and I have been watching a show on Netflix called Voltron: Legendary Defender. I'm not the biggest fan of robot cartoons and anime, but Amanda's cousin Kat recommended it when it first began airing and we were hooked. Immediately, I fell for Takashi Shirogane or Shiro, he's the leader and Paladin of the Black Lion. Amanda adored Keith and Lance. to be honest, we love all five Paladins, they are diverse and wonderful. But more than that, we enjoyed that the writers of the show have done something amazing. Pidge, who pretended to be a boy to get info on her lost family, and then comes out to the team as a girl (most of them already knew and didn't care), is never referred to as male or female in the show before or after that. She's just Pidge. The show also shows Shiro dealing- or not really dealing- with some PTSD, some racism. More recently, the writers confirmed one of the characters is, in fact, gay, and was planning to get married prior to a long mission and that he also has some kind of invisible illness that would eventually ruin his career as a pilot. But even though at least one character has to know for sure about his orientation, its never a big deal. It;s so fucking refreshing and when I learned that this character is, in fact, gay, I just about cried. And apparently said character's voice actor knew about since season 2. It's wonderful representation. Plus the show is just damn good! I love the fight scenes for Voltron and the Paladins. The music adds that fun scifi flavor, and voice actors are all very talented and fun people!
Last night, while Amanda was apply for another job on my computer (because I have MSword and she doesn't) I borrowed her tablet computer and drew Shiro. It was a quick draw and from memory. I'm not a very good artist, but that's not too terrible. Maybe I will do something more concentrated later.
Also on the Voltron front, I am writing an RP with cousin Kat. She's writing for Keith and Shiro and I'm writing for all my characters. It has been a lot of fun and helped me cope with a lot of what's going on- most certainly a welcome distraction.
EMDR therapy. My therapist decided in conjunction of CBT and DBT, we're going to try EMDR. She said its going to be rough and hard, but she thinks it will help. So far its made me a bit more emotional, but that's to be expected. I'm confronting the crap thats been 'traumatic' and trying to desensitize it so it doesn't affect me so terribly. The trouble is recognizing and admitting those thing as trauma- which is very difficult for me to do. And we've been talking about a lot different things, like my talent for stuffing and avoiding some issues in my life.
The topic of writing came up one session. It's what I love. Its a challenge and is as fun as it is frustrating. Mostly writing, when I am able to focus, makes me happy. Often times I get bogged down by life stuff, social events, the fact that we have a constant stream of company in one shape or another, fibro and back pain, to shut enough life off to do what I need to get my ass in gear to write. About half of that is my own doing and half of that is out of my control. However, when I am hurting the most, I find that I retreat into writing. A friend said I get obsessive. Amanda mentioned once that I needed to find balance and another friend agreed. My therapist worried that I used writing to avoid life. All of that made me upset. In my head I thought, people say they want me to be happy, but they want to complain about the thing that makes me happy and keeps me sane, I don't get it. And how does anyone think books come to be unless there's a writer out there who obsessed a little over their work? Also, I need as much encouragement and assurance right now and this has all been the opposite of that.
Amanda and I talked about it again and I told her how I felt. I mentioned that its not like I'm writing 24/7. I need breaks to recharge my brain. I need sleep. I need food, to move around, to clean and do other stuff. I'm not hurting anyone or bothering anybody, except to maybe prattle on about a story or something, but who cares as long as I am happier? Why would anyone want to diminish that. It is confusing. That people have issue with it, even a little bit, harkens back to the idea that my only value can be found in what I can do for other people and that by not doing what other people want or think I should be doing, I am somehow wrong, in trouble, and need to put everything I want/need/love aside for everyone else's wants/needs. Which really isn't fair to me. So, I'm trying to not let it bother me anymore. I won't get what I want if I keep letting other people dictate how things should be.
