Voltron, EMDR, and Writing

Voltron: Legendary Defender

Firstly, I'm feeling a little bit better. Time helps ease a lot of things, not all, but some. And so, I felt up to another attempt of returning to the blogosphere. 

Amanda and I have been watching a show on Netflix called Voltron: Legendary Defender. I'm not the biggest fan of robot cartoons and anime, but Amanda's cousin Kat recommended it when it first began airing and we were hooked. Immediately, I fell for Takashi Shirogane or Shiro, he's the leader and Paladin of the Black Lion. Amanda adored Keith and Lance. to be honest, we love all five Paladins, they are diverse and wonderful. But more than that, we enjoyed that the writers of the show have done something amazing. Pidge, who pretended to be a boy to get info on her lost family, and then comes out to the team as a girl (most of them already knew and didn't care), is never referred to as male or female in the show before or after that. She's just Pidge.  The show also shows Shiro dealing- or not really dealing- with some PTSD, some racism. More recently, the writers confirmed one of the characters is, in fact, gay, and was planning to get married prior to a long mission and that he also has some kind of invisible illness that would eventually ruin his career as a pilot. But even though at least one character has to know for sure about his orientation, its never a big deal. It;s so fucking refreshing and when I learned that this character is, in fact, gay, I just about cried. And apparently said character's voice actor knew about since season 2. It's wonderful representation. Plus the show is just damn good! I love the fight scenes for Voltron and the Paladins. The music adds that fun scifi flavor, and voice actors are all very talented and fun people! 

Last night, while Amanda was apply for another job on my computer (because I have MSword and she doesn't) I borrowed her tablet computer and drew Shiro. It was a quick draw and from memory. I'm not a very good artist, but that's not too terrible. Maybe I will do something more concentrated later. 

Also on the Voltron front, I am writing an RP with cousin Kat. She's writing for Keith and Shiro and I'm writing for all my characters. It has been a lot of fun and helped me cope with a lot of what's going on- most certainly a welcome distraction. 

EMDR therapy. My therapist decided in conjunction of CBT and DBT, we're going to try EMDR. She said its going to be rough and hard, but she thinks it will help. So far its made me a bit more emotional, but that's to be expected. I'm confronting the crap thats been 'traumatic' and trying to desensitize it so it doesn't affect me so terribly. The trouble is recognizing and admitting those thing as trauma- which is very difficult for me to do. And we've been talking about a lot different things, like my talent for stuffing and avoiding some issues in my life. 

The topic of writing came up one session. It's what I love. Its a challenge and is as fun as it is frustrating. Mostly writing, when I am able to focus, makes me happy. Often times I get bogged down by life stuff, social events, the fact that we have a constant stream of company in one shape or another, fibro and back pain, to shut enough life off to do what I need to get my ass in gear to write. About half of that is my own doing and half of that is out of my control. However, when I am hurting the most, I find that I retreat into writing. A friend said I get obsessive. Amanda mentioned once that I needed to find balance and another friend agreed. My therapist worried that I used writing to avoid life. All of that made me upset. In my head I thought, people say they want me to be happy, but they want to complain about the thing that makes me happy and keeps me sane, I don't get it. And how does anyone think books come to be unless there's a writer out there who obsessed a little over their work? Also, I need as much encouragement and assurance right now and this has all been the opposite of that. 

Amanda and I talked about it again and I told her how I felt. I mentioned that its not like I'm writing 24/7. I need breaks to recharge my brain. I need sleep. I need food, to move around, to clean and do other stuff. I'm not hurting anyone or bothering anybody, except to maybe prattle on about a story or something, but who cares as long as I am happier? Why would anyone want to diminish that. It is confusing. That people have issue with it, even a little bit, harkens back to the idea that my only value can be found in what I can do for other people and that by not doing what other people want or think I should be doing, I am somehow wrong, in trouble, and need to put everything I want/need/love aside for everyone else's wants/needs. Which really isn't fair to me. So, I'm trying to not let it bother me anymore. I won't get what I want if I keep letting other people dictate how things should be.  

 

Decompression day and some things learned

I love this cat picture! So fall, so pretty! 

I am taking today as a decompression day. Its not really a completely up to me choice in that I hurt all over and am very tired today. I am going to get out of the house to check the mail and maybe go to the store this evening. I was supposed to have received a pair of contacts in the mail- just fun Halloween ones I bought a month or so back, and I am kind of hoping that my Grandma didn't forget about me and has sent a card telling me congrats for finally graduating college. It is so weird, neither my parents nor my Grandparents have actually said congratulations. My Grandma just asks what I got my degree in. Now, I feel I can't get too upset by the lack of congrats because Grandma was in the hospital not that long ago, but I have talked to her and my parents several times since. I know it is petty and selfish but is it? Is it wrong that I would like a little positive acknowledgement. I'm not asking or even wanting anything else. It's not like I was pitching a fit that they weren't here for the party or asking for anything. So, is it really wrong to hope for a simple "hey, good job"?  

Honestly, I don't know why it is bothering me so much. Maybe it has to do with something Amanda said this weekend. Actually, I think I do know. They are my blood family, the ones that I care about the most in said family and short of flying down there to take care of them myself, I've done everything I can do and for them such as call, skype, I've helped out when I have been down there, sent things. I am not complaining about any of that, truly, I enjoyed doing all of it, wanted to do all of it. I don't want much but a little turn around in the form of "good job" or even a little constructive feed back on stories even though not everything I write is their cup of tea.

Let that shit go, I keep telling myself, but do you have any idea how freaking hard that is? I can tell myself to do it, think I have, but a couple of days, months, or years down the line, it all comes rolling back at me and yeah, it is clear that I didn't let it go but just buried it. So, I don't know how to let the heavy, deeply personal shit go and I'm not even sure I am capable. Now, I am not trying to give that as an excuse, I do want to let stuff go, I'm just not sure how to go about it. Which is why I am in counseling. 

And speaking of counseling, I saw my therapist Monday. I read her part of the post I said I was going to print out and read to her. She asked me if I knew why I had been placed with her, other than we are both in a lesbian relationships. I said no. So she explained that it was also because she has some health problems and she is trying to learn how to adjust to a new normal, so when I read my blog to her, she knew exactly what I was feeling because they are the same feelings and thoughts she's had and is dealing with herself. She asked me to excuse her if she was a little bit emotional and I told her she was fine, that I get it because I was teary eyed writing it.  Also during this session my therapist told me that she thinks I am rather resilient, which is really good for my relationship with Amanda and with all the stuff I am dealing with, and that it seems that I just go with the flow of things a lot of the time that really helps. Well, beating my head against brick walls just gets exhausting and you can only work with what you have. 

But with all those feelings laid bare, I am actually having a good morning. Fiona left a short bit ago, Narcisa is off taking a nap somewhere, the house is quiet, and I have the windows open for nice, cool fresh air. This is exactly the kind of weather I wish I had a porch swing or covered hammock to lay on outside. I'd like to just laze about with a book and let the wind caress me. My Great Grandma Ireland and I used to sit on her porch swing on days like this and swing and talk. Sometimes I would get to lay down and with my head in her lap and she'd pet my hair and sing church hymns or tell me stories about when she lived on the farm.

 I'm going to spend some time, at some point today, finishing up the salt dough ornaments I made, and I am going to make a list of the things people left at my house for my party that need to be returned, things such as hats, baking dishes, pot holders and tea towels, and kegs, lol. Oh, and I need to renew a library book, if I can and sit down to read it!  

Oh and yes, Holly, I have decorated my house for the season, I just haven't gotten around to taking pictures of it all yet.

Therapists, boundaries, books, and food.

Is the way to be! Well, perhaps for me, for a little while. I've had trouble with my weight for the last decade. I have chronic pain and a mild wheat allergy. I always thought that the wheat allergy wasn't all that important since I don't really eat a lot of bread and mostly stay away from bread like treats. I haven't had a full blown allergic reaction or anything like that and I can still eat wheat, but my girlfriend and I have decided to taper it out of our diets. Reasons: the wheat allergy, gluten doesn't help inflammation, and weight. But oh boy does it make going to the super market a drawn out experience. Some of the things that have gluten in them are astounding. It's a good thing that I like cooking things from scratch. and supposedly King Arthur has a gluten free flour.

My therapist doesn't think I should go gluten free. She doesn't seem to think that it will do any good and spent the bulk of our session discussing food and eating habits with me. One, I don't think she realizes that I eat less than anyone else in the house at meal times and eat healthier. But as usual she did most of the talking and mostly about food. She also couldn't understand why I was there yesterday. when I tried to explain to her what was going on she just kind of glossed over it. At this point, I think it's time to part ways. She is a nice, well-intended person, but I have left her office feeling worse than when I went in the last couple of times that I have seen her. If I wanted to feel horrible about myself, I'd go spend some time with some of my family. They'll make me feel like shit for free. However, I do agree with her on setting firm boundaries, it's just taken me almost two years to finally get a little of my old confidence back to put my foot down.

I'm making a schedule board for Skoora and I and there will be times listed where neither of us will be available or in a position to be bothered. Her parents are just going to have to accept that. We also have some events coming up this fall that need to be visibly listed so everyone knows what's going on. Really, the indecisiveness and lack routine have been really bad for me. I don't need to have a routine set in concrete, I am flexible and can put something off for later if need be. Skoora and I just need time together but also to ourselves. We both write, me, not nearly as much as I would like and she has homework. We just can't entertain peopl 24/7. Also, we both need time just to read and I just don't think it's fair for me to have alter my sleep routine just to have some quiet time.  

I've got a couple new books in the mail and there are a few more coming. We picked up a couple more on Norse mythology from the library yesterday and I can't wait to read them but I need to wait until I've read some of the ones that need to go back soon. I kind of overloaded myself with books again.

Speaking of Norse mythology, I suppose I should mention why I am reading it. Other than just for curiosity and research for stories, I am reading it because I am a neo-pagan. But because I kind of want to keep things a little separate, I was thinking of doing a blog dedicated to just my spiritual/religious journey. That way if someone wanted to read about that, they could go to that blog and bypass all my ranting and whining here. Yes, I rant and whine, I admit it, I am human after all. I just haven't completely decided if I want to make the blog as of yet.

At the moment, I'm hiding in the dark, in my room, with the cats and a migraine. I've had to let my hair down out of the pony tail I had it in. I also had to close my door because Mama Cathy had a candle going in her bathroom and it was making me so sick. Of course that means that I don't get any of the air conditioning in here, but it's better than puking. I did go blow the candle out and have since taken some migraine medicine. I feel a little better but not much. I shouldn't even be sitting at the computer but I just didn't want to lay in bed for a headache when I have to lay in bed for chronic pain on other days.

An early morning farewell, a door opens, and some tid bits.

Aside from this piece of art being one of my favorites, I thought it was an appropriate image for how I feel at the moment. If one were to turn the Knight into the apartment my girlfriend and I are vacating, the Lady would be myself saying a soft and sweet farewell. Yet somehow I feel as if I could be the Knight riding off to said apartment to battle the task of moving out. However, for us we will not be returning to the happy and relieved arms of our apartment when all is said and done.

For the last week I have been scrambling and packing with a firm, unrelenting and dreaded deadline in fast approach. My back is still giving me much grief, my knees have decided to join the pain parade, and due to the extreme heat here in the mid-west, this moving experience has not been a pleasant one. In fact, I have been so frustrated and so stressed from lack of boxes, lack of time, or this or that, that I have quite literally tossed any sense of organization out the window and am just packing things as I go along in plastic sacks, trash bags, luggage ect... But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We have very little left to pack and just have a little cleaning to do and come Friday afternoon, we'll turn in our keys and say "So long and thanks for all the fish".

My one class this quarter isn't going as well as I had hoped. I just got an update on my grade for the class and nearly cried. After all the work I put into making sure I had my book work done, I have a big, whopping F for the class and that's due to me not being caught up on the labs (which I am still in the process of doing). On top of that we just had a test with a study guide of over 100 questions and I studied and I looked over the study guide before the test and when I got the damned test it was only 15 questions long. Then my instructor went over the test after everyone had it handed in. I am pretty sure I only got 3 questions right. So, since my back was really giving me trouble and I was depressed, I left school during the second break.

However, despite all the negative, harrowing, and depressing things going on in my life right now, I had my first therapy session yesterday. I decided that I was going to see if I could get a therapist through social services program just so I could talk to someone outside my network of people and see if I couldn't get some other ideas on how to cope with stuff yada yada yada. Anyway, her diagnosis of me was that I have severe depression (I already knew that) and I have some social phobias. The session went well, I really like her, and she had some interesting things to say. I go back in two weeks and she said that she would have some things outlined for me to help me better deal with some of the problems I am dealing with. Leaving her office felt like a door opening to something really good. I really felt better.

Fun tidbits, my Dad helped me get the Dragon mask for this year's Dragon festival in Guild Wars. It;s pretty cool and eventually I'll log on and get a screen shot of it. My Mom and I are going to play with some of the gemstones she's been collecting and make some jewelry together and she's excited to show me some new TV series she's been watching. In a week or two we will have a friend from Idaho coming down to visit us, which will be awesome since we haven't seen her in almost two years! We really want to see her sister too, but they don't have anyone to take care of their animals so she's staying behind and will come later this year.

And lastly, I started watching this anime on Hulu while waiting for my Girlfriend to get off work one night last week. So far so good. I've only seen 4 episodes but it's interesting and when I get some more time I am really looking forward to seeing the rest of it.