Been awhile, travel, plans failed, things won, hanging on in the current.

First Happy Halloween! Blessed Samhain! 

Hi, its been awhile and a lot has happened. Months have passed and I haven't really thought about blogging or keeping up with other's blogs, no offense to anyone. We've been very busy and sometimes I've felt like I was swimming against a many different currents. Lately, however, I'm kind of hanging out in the water, holding on to a rock, waiting for things to pass before I venture out again.  Today especially, I'm a bit apathetic. Or maybe numb and meh is a better way to describe it? Doesn't really matter, let's get to all the stuff!

Summer saw a lot of changes within my house. Amanda's (a,k,a Selene) parents moved out and a friend moved in. Said friend was dog sitting- or rather, I was dog sitting because said friend was working. Said friend also got two rabbits and eventually brought her cat and dog to live here. The dogs we were dog sitting finally went back to their owner after much stress, barking, half trampled garden, and accidents on my floor. 

Further into summer, I was a guest panelist at our local anime convention. I did a panel on the history of Bento boxes and another on Oiran vs. Geisha. I actually flew solo on these, which I haven't done in a long time. It was terrifying but fun and I would love to do it again next year and have some ideas for other panels. 

We held our own Tanabata festival at a local park and about 40 people came. We had a little Japanese festival food, some Japanese games, music, some activities entering on Japanese lore and mythology, and finally a nice wishing ritual at the end.

I broke out in hives from the sun and on the very day our roommate went to the ER because her arm went numb and she was suffering from severe pain in her neck and head, I got heat exhaustion from running another friend around town in the summer heat with no air conditioning in our car. The air conditioner quit and that made the rest of the summer errands miserable. I have never done well in the heat. 

I also started a support group for local pagans with disabilities and while the group is new and very small, I am happy there is some interest. 

The end of September took me back home to Kansas. I wanted to visit family before heading to Tulsa to help Amanda;s cousin move up to Washington. My Mother's health is declining and she's as OCD as ever. We think she may have had a stroke right before I flew down but she was so worried about the hospital bill that she checked herself out and wouldn't let the hospital run any tests to see. I was not happy. That could have aided in getting her disability which would get her the health insurance she needs. My Dad is overwhelmed and depressed. I did enjoy spending time with my parents despite the sad and aggravating stuff.  My mom wouldn't let me help much around the house and stopped me when I would try. We spent more time watching shows and movies.

I also visited my cousin Shi-chan. I missed and miss her so much. It was so nice to spend a little time with her. We played cards against humanity with her boyfriend and had pizza and just talked. 

Visiting Grandma went without saying and spent several days at her house. Grandma's in her 90s and her health isn't the greatest. She was really upset that we couldn't go out and do as much, but I didn't care. I was happy just spending time with her. We talked. I went through some things she wanted me to go through and took some she wanted me to have, although not much- there are reasons I don't want to get into right now. 

Next up was heading to Tulsa to get Cousin Kat. We drove 4 days in a Budget truck towing her car behind us. Or rather I drove and you know what, even the weather radar lied about snow in Montana- or was it Wyoming... Anyway it said the area we were driving through was clear, but it wasn't!

We made it home safely.

I had about two weeks (okay honestly, I'm not even sure if it was that long) before Amanda, her parents, and I were on the road to Seattle. We went to visit some family and do some 'harvest activities'. Which meant we loaded up to go to a big farm that had various actives and a pumpkin patch. Honestly it was beautiful and rainy and I enjoyed hanging out with the family.

This was one of the trucks decorated at the farm. 

Amanda's parents

 

Amanda and I

Since Amanda has her moot on our anniversary, we spent some time alone together in our hotel room. Nothing too exciting, just hanging out drinking coffee and tea while watching scary movies in bed. We also got out to do a little shopping at Uwajimaya and Diaso Japan in the international district. We went to Daiso in Bellevue as well.  And we went to the Tsubaki Grand Shrine of America for an afternoon. I really do love that place. The Shrine is tucked away in lush trees and green and sits beside a river. They've added a few more things since we were last there too. 

View of the main Shrine Building

Fox Guardian and a view of the river

Two of the main Shrine deities-  Sarutahiko-no-o-kami, and Goddess, Ame--no-Uzume-no-Mikoto. Ameterasu is enshrined there as well. 

We also saw Zombieland 2 and did some sorely needed clothes shopping.

Back home we held a Book-or-Treat at one of our local libraries. Basically, we did a Halloween pot luck party and told people to bring books they didn't want anymore. We had two tables full and lots of people brought tons of books like we did, some only brought a few, but I think everyone went home with something fun and new to read. The books that didn't get chosen were donated to the library. 

Since then I've gone to the gym, cleaned, had some bad fibro days, and have been trying to keep moving. I am tired, still don't have all my meds yet (waiting for one to be done at the pharmacy), and hurt. But today is Halloween and there are a couple of Day of the Dead celebrations we're going to, one for sure. And tomorrow Nanowrimo starts. I was excited for that. Right now, not so much, but I am hoping tomorrow I won't be so apathetic. Maybe the little Halloween get together will help tonight!

When you think about it, it's disgusting...

The above picture/post came up in the facebook feed several days ago. I shared it and commented and a couple of my friends who are girls, commented as well. Since then, the more I've thought about it, the more it's really hit home how common place this really is and that's not okay. These moments start small and can escalate into something much large before we even know it. Most of us are told to ignore it or that 'he's just teasing', or 'that means he likes you'. None of that is acceptable or right. In effort to illuminate some of small to larger things, I'm sharing some of my own experiences.  

The earliest memory I have is from when I was 3 or 4 years old. My male cousin liked to shove and lock me in the closet with him to show me his penis. I didn't like that. Not only was I afraid of the dark, but being in there with him made me feel gross. 

The second earliest memory is of me playing with the boy next door. We were both Kindergarten age and he liked to come over and trap me under a blanket and hump me. It happened three times before I told my Mom. She said if it happened again, punch him in the nose. It did happen and I did punch him, hard enough he got a bloody nose and went home crying. At first I was in trouble, but I told my Mom I only did what she said and he never came over to play again. 

Next up was first grade. I made friends with a boy who liked Ninja Turtles at school. We'd play Ninja Turtles at recess and it was a lot of fun until he'd start pinching my behind. He seemed almost obsessed with doing so and would pinch so hard he'd leave bruises. Eventually, after telling teachers and my Mom, he stopped. However, in High school I was having lunch with some friends and he showed up. Everything was fine at first, we were getting along and then he decided to kick me out of no where. A couple of years ago he found me on facebook and I learned that he was 1. bitter and angry and 2. Gay. Apparently I was his anger outlet over the years? 

Back to being a kid. My Mom's step father made me uncomfortable from as early as I can remember. When I was around seven, I asked my Mom why I couldn't stay the night at her mother's house like I did at my Dad's parents house. My Mom explained that her step father had abused her physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually while she was growing up and there was no way in hell she'd ever leave me alone with that man, even with her mother being there. horrified, I remember asking why we went over there at all. She said, she had forgiven her mother for what happened but not him, and she was trying to let her have a relationship with me. And until that man died, neither of my parents ever left me alone in a room with him. There was one time, I went to put something in Grandma J's kitchen and he managed to break off from my Mom and Grandma J but he didn't get one word in before both my Mom and Grandma J were right there. It wasn't until after he died that I got to spend the night at Grandma J's house. 

When I was in Grade school my Aunt Laura had some unsavory people living with her. There was someone living in every room of her house, all friends of her of course. There were 3 men in particular that bothered me at her house. Allen, I just never liked and liked even less when he thought my Aunt should spank me before getting the glass from a broken beer bottle out of my foot. Barry used to walk around in his underwear around us kids and really just gave me the creeps in general. That wasn't unfounded, I was right to be afraid and creeped out by him. He told my youngest cousin- at the time- she could go outside and play. Shortly after, he changed his mind and stormed after her. She was going out the driveway gate and he yanked back and somehow got her stuck before dragging her back inside. She was screaming and crying. Her brother told him he had to be careful because she had a blood problem. Barry got pissed, shoved him down on his bed and dug his knee into his groin. I saw all of it and screaming to which Barry began cussing me out and telling me to shut the fuck up. My screaming brought my Mom and Aunt from my Aunt's room. My Mom packed me up and we went home. Somehow my Aunt married Barry and she put up with physical abuse from him for several years before finally kicking him to the curb. 

But my Aunt's worst roommate was a man named Mike. He and his girlfriend used to live in my Aunt's attic. At some point when I was still in grade school, they got their baby taken away from them because of  shaken baby syndrome and someone it was all his girlfriend's fault. Only I don't really think it was. Mike remained a roommate clear up until us kids were all in middle school. My cousin Shi-chan thought he was so handsome. I didn't get it. He gave me the creeps and made some lewd comments that I didn't fully understand at the time. He liked playing truth or dare or spin the bottle with us and wanted to watch us kiss people on the TV. Later, after he'd been kicked out and arrested for stealing computers, we learned that he'd molested my male cousin.

In middle school my best friend's boyfriend shoved a table into my breasts because I called him an idiot.

In freshman year of high school a guy on my bus grabbed my breasts for fun. I kicked him in the balls and told him if he ever did it again I'd kick him until he squeaked. I got reported to the school office. I did not, however, get into trouble because one of the vice principal's husbands had worked with my Dad and called him up to tell him about the incident.

Sophomore year of high school a guy in my English Lit class told me I should wear shorts and dresses. And another guy, someone I thought was a friend, in the same class asked me for a hug and decided to grab my breasts. This time I didn't have a snappy come back because this guy was in a local gang. I was scared to do anything and had to call my Dad at lunch to ask what to do. While I was on the phone, in tears, my boyfriend at the time, was standing behind me praying. Dad said to report the kid who copped a feel that the school administration would take care of it. So, I did.  After school, in the study group I was in, my boyfriend told me I was "a lost soul and he was sent from God to save me". Really? Because another guy grabbed my breasts? I broke up with him then and there. The next day, the guy who grabbed my breasts gave me a formal apology and he never anything but polite to me there after. Apparently his mother ripped him a new one. I think I came out of that lucky. It could have gotten ugly. 

When I was 18, I spent the night a friend's house for a video game/ D&D party. Several of us from high school liked to get together when we could to game. One of my friends had a friend who I didn't particularly like but put up with. I fought sleep until that guy left. However, when I woke up the next morning, not only was that guy back, not only had he somehow climbed up to the balcony and let himself in during the middle of the night, but he'd drawn penises all over my face with sharpie before anyone else was awake to stop him much less kick him out.

When I was 19, I went with a friend to one of her friend's houses. We got high and although her friend was married, he wanted to sleep with me. I told her I wanted to go home and stupidly drove back to her house stoned (weed). I also got high with my cousin when he got his first apartment, again weed. He asked me if getting high made me horny. Apparently it made his girlfriend horny. Since he had recently told me 1st cousins could get married in Arkansas, I was unnerved. He's reminded me of that fact repeatedly since then. He also told me he's waiting for me to wake up from being a lesbian and come back to the world of screwing guys, again following it up with 1st cousins can get married in Arkansas.  

Also at 19, I was really stupid and got black out drunk at a tiny New Years party with the two guys I played D&D with at the time. At some point I passed out and woke up with the guy I liked pushing his penis in my face. I don't remember much after that because I passed out again. I had to get tested to STD's just to be safe afterward. 

Since then I've been cat-called, whistled at, old men have made kissy faces at me while sitting in traffic. Doctors have dismissed me and a neighbor called me a 'fucking cunt" once for putting out the cigarette he tossed over his balcony into the dry grass while we were under a fire watch.   

Over time I've tried to forget these things, move on and passed them, and for the most part, I have. I still remember them, they still bother me- of course some more than others- but in my head I've just chalked them up to 'things that just happened'. I don't think that's right. I shouldn't have to "chalk them up". None of them should have happened in the first place. Not to me, not to any of the people around me. No one, not male nor female or non-bianrily gendered persons should ever have to put up with any of this at any age whatsoever!     

I am late!

Last week I plumb forgot about this and this week I am late in the writing and posting. Sorry about that. 

My meager offerings for this week, is this practice run with Fire Alpaca and 'new to me' tablet from a good friend. I really like the airbrush tool as it turns out and I should probably not be so in love with it. It's hard, dusting off my novice drawing skills. There's a frustration in wanting to be better, to know how to draw hair and faces, trying to figure out what my style is, hoping I can pull off Moe and Bishi manga art eventually (both are so pretty). But I will get there and it takes time and practice.

I have been working on the world building of my novel and I thought I had finished my character bios. But I was watching a Brandon Sanderson fiction writing lecture on character this week and I have a few more questions to ask myself and make notes for a couple of characters. Shouldn't take me too long and should help me in the long run of writing process. 

Still doing Taiko, although I missed last week due to a nasty fibro flare. I've been studying some of the videos the leader of the group sent me so I could practice at home. I don't know if it is helping. But I can't get too annoyed with myself, I've only been twice. 

Lastly I thought I would share a vegetarian recipe I made up for Amanda, Enchilada casserole. It;s super simple and pretty quick to make.

What you need is one large can of red or green enchilada sauce (prefer red but Amanda likes green better), six yellow or white corn tortillas, 1 small bag of mozzarella cheese, and 1 small bag of a frozen southwest medley veggies (ours has mix of corn, onions, red bell peppers, and black beans). Oh and a small baking dish. I used a glass bread loaf dish but in hind sight probably should have used something a little larger.

Preheat the oven at 350 degrees f. 

Tear the corn tortillas however big or small you prefer.

Ladle a thin layer of enchilada sauce on the bottom of the dish. Next put down the majority of the torn tortillas to make in a good layer. After that add the frozen southwest medley veggies and a light layer of mozzerella cheese. Nexxt layer the rest of the tortillas and ladle sauce over it. You might need to gently shift the dish on your counter to get the sauce to seep all the way through. Lastly, layer a thicker layer of cheese on the top and when the oven is preheated, put the dish in for 30-40 minutes. And that's it. Take it out when the cheese has melted and its warm all the way through. 

That's it. 

And that's it for me this week.   

  

I did a thing last night!

In middle school, I  was lucky enough to sit right in front of the percussion section being a trumpet player. That was just how we were arranged in my advanced band class. I say lucky, because I like percussion instruments, of curse back then it was mostly the listening that I liked since banging on anything generally pissed my Mom off (although how I got to be a trumpet player instead of a clarinet like I wanted is a story for a different day). Anyway, I loved it and I love listening to drums. I can't even pick between bass, timpani, and snare, which is my favorite. 

So when we went to the Perry Street Fair a couple years ago and stumbled on the Spokane Taiko drummers I was even more excited! I love Taiko drums! That's where we first saw the group. The second place we saw them was at KuroNekoCon last year. They were doing a demo and letting people try. I got really shy and didn't go up but Amanda and Marilyn did. And they had contact info if you wanted to go practice with them. We did of course! However, we didn't get to it until last night.

The group is small and full of really nice people who are very welcoming. There's a sort of hesitancy I picked up from them and I think it is they are waiting to see if this was a one time thing for us or are we hooked and going to stay? I'm hooked, if they will let me play, I'm there! They want and need more people so they can play other songs. And they aren't bitchy about when I messed up. And I do mess up. I may be a little ambidextrous but I am left hand dominant, so I lead with my left hand. Most parts in Taiko lead with the right hand, so switching is something I will have to get used to. What I found interesting is for the parts that you're supposed to lead with the left hand, I switch to my right. *facepalm*  Also, I have got to get used to extending my arms. I've spent so much time trying to make myself as small as possible so I am not in anyone's way, that having my arms out and doing certain motions, is kind of scary. I'll get there. I told Amanda that we need to make a practice drum. the group had some made of big round buckets and clear packing tape. That's a really good idea!  Of course when I got online to look up prices on Bachi Sticks (the drum sticks) I found a kid's toy taiko drum for super cheap. So, I don't know which I will use, the cost to make might be slightly cheaper. And the Bachi sticks are reasonable. There are, of course, some that are super expensive, but I don't need something like that. 

Also, you wouldn't think drumming would be as motion involved, but it is. Standing a certain way and different motions, especially ones you aren't used to- my back was trying to seize up during the practice last night. And strangely, the arches in my feet were giving me grief. Amanda and I came home already hurting. I ended up falling asleep watching a movie and it was hell trying to get myself up and then upstairs to bed. Today sucks but still worth it. 

Here's a video of a Spokane Taiko performance. 

 

Not Killing it in 2019

Ganked from Facebook.

I did not make resolutions, but I made semi-goals before the New Year holiday, of things I would like to work on. This might seem a little blase but I know and am used to things not turning out like I want or going as planned, so if not all of these things happen, or happen in the way in which I would like, I've decided to be okay with it. However, there are a few that simply must happen, and I'll start with my list. (Because I like lists, they are orderly) 

1. Learn more about and find extra and other ways of managing my mental illness. Yes, yes, I have depression and anxiety, but what I don't think I have mentioned is that my particular brand is borderline personality disorder (or I guess now people are calling it syndrome) couple with some PTSD, and severe Anxiety. I have started some research- thanks to Amanda going down a rabbit hole. Since going to therapy is now a point of stress for me (my therapist keeps pushing health insurance so she can charge me the full amount- which I get but we STILL can't afford health insurance at this time) I'm going to pay off my bill and not return. At this point the therapy isn't doing me any good, not if going makes me want to vomit in fear that she'll lecture me about getting health insurance. Instead, I want to try other things. My Dad said the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy workbook they used at the Corrections Facility for his clients is one of the better ones out there and he still has a copy and will send it to me. I mean it can't hurt. And I'm going to do some more research into it because the better I understand it, the easier it is for me to pick out what's going on and try to put the breaks on. I'm still going to cycle. I'm still going to have to take medicine. I'm still going to have really bad episodes, but if I can lessen them, even a little, I'll take it. I don't want to drown in this crap anymore. 

2. My physical health has been an issue for, well ever! I was a sick a lot as a kid. While I don't get sick as much anymore, I had PCOS (although I read that even if you have a full hysterectomy, you still have it- okay), a herniated disk in my lower back, and fibromyalgia. The fibro has been really bad lately. The fatigue part especially is kicking my ass. The minute I get comfortable, I am asleep and its getting beyond ridiculous and no, I don't have narcolepsy, yes, I get enough sleep. Worse, it's like I spend most of the day fighting sleep, trying to wake up. Also, I really don't feel like me anymore. I truly hate my body and have a disconnect with it. I know half of the weight issue is mine, I ate food, but the other half is genetics, medications that cause weight gain, and the pain from my back and fibro making me more sedentary than I want to be. I've already cut my food portions down, am drinking even more water, and have been trying to eat tiny, healthy snacks between small meals. We've also gotten a membership to Planet Fitness and are starting Taiko Drumming.  I have to get away from being so angry with my body for betraying me and not working right. I have to get away from wanting to punish it with my fists when things get really bad. I have to get away from wanting to take matters into my own hands and deal with it all myself. None of that is healthy. Not of this is my fault, but it is up to me to fix it.

3. I NEED to write at least the first draft of a novel this year. I can't let people make me feel bad about it either, tell me I am obsessed, that I need to find balance between writing and everything else, or whatever! Hearing offhanded or on handed comments like that has done nothing but make me question if I should even keep writing, made me feel like a shitty friend and wife, and I'm done. Sorry, can't cater other people as much I used to. Last year was depression and grief year, this year is take care of me year and everyone else can suck it. Sure, I'll still come out and play, there's a lot I want to do, but I'm not going to take anyone's shit for having my joy. If they don't want to hear about it, fine, but I'm not going to let them continue to drag me down for one of the few things that bring me real happiness and then bitch at me for not utilizing my talents. 

4. 20 books read in a year. That's going to happen again. Last year I barely got through one book and it was almost painful. I didn't even really finish it and I'm not entirely sure where it is. The story was good, I just couldn't seem to get through it. So, I started with a book my friend Chris gave me. It was a rocky start and I've put it down in favor of doing other things for a couple of days, but I'm hoping to finish it soon and move on to others. 

5. The Great Purge! I've heard of Marie Kondo's KonMari method and have even watched a couple of episodes of her show on Netflix. She is an adorable Japanese woman and I like her ideas, but not all of that is going to work. Still, being or showing gratitude to the things you've used or that have served you is really beautiful, in my opinion, and I am so ready to downsize. We have already gone through our clothing and are thinking of going through it again. We have stuff out in the garage and stuff in the house to go through and I'm ready to be done with a good portion of it. Let it go make someone else happy. And no, books are not on this list. There might be a few I will part with, but I am keeping most of them.   

6. Do stuff I want to do. I tend to wait around to see what Amanda wants to do, or I change or discard what I want to fit the wants and needs of Amanda and friends. That's okay, just not all the time. So, I'm going to do more stuff I like and want to do, within reason of course. Good thing my wants are simple and few, and I don't mind waiting if I need to.  

7. Working on my spiritual path and growth. Not gonna get into that much here. There are some things that are still bothering me and while I working on figuring out what to do with them and or come to terms with them, I'm going to press forward and spend time learning and exploring, and maybe along the way, the stuff that's bothering me will resolve. 

So far we're fifteen days into January and I'm getting a very slow start. I spent the beginning of the month recovering from the holidays. But I did manage to get some things not mentioned started and organized. We are slowly getting the house back in order and will be continuing our purge. I've started reading, as I said, and Amanda and I are reading a nightly gratitude's book. The writing is slow going. I am still doing a written RP with cousin Kat and recently I found all my flash drives. I've already gone through my computer and one of the flash drives to find what I need for the novel I want to work on and finish. I would like to finish up the world preliminary word building and character bios, and have some ideas of where I would like to head with the story and get at least one page written by the end of the week. That's not a lot, but it is a start. 

We have started going to Planet fitness and Taiko drumming as well. I have to take a time out to recover from the activities after, but whatever. And I have managed to a thing or two that I have wanted.