New experiences, books, doing stuff

Stephanie Pui Mun Law

I've had some interesting experiences as of late. My therapist told me to look her in eye and tell her that I hate her. I don't and the whole situation almost had me in tears. I couldn't do it. She told me if I couldn't tell her that, then I should't be saying it to myself. Yeah, I know that, but breaking all the negitive thoughts- the depression monster in my head- is going to be a long hard road. She also wants me to look in the mirror every morning and say "I want to love you". I tried it yesterday. I felt nothing. In fact, it felt kind of like a lie. This is going to be an uphill battle all the way.  I told Amanda I didn't know if I ever would completely love myself or my body. Not when I feel that my body has betrayed me so terribly. 

Speaking of my body. I think I am going to invest in a yoni egg. I'm really scared and worried about my pelvic floor. Apart from that I have had a hell of a time trying to sleep. Either my brain doesn't want to shut off or I've been in too much pain to get comfortable. Needless to say, I've not been either really sad or down right pissed. With that, I've also decided that I'm not going to wait any longer, it has been three months since surgery and if I am careful with exercise, I should be fine. I'm going to do some stuff sitting down and do some core strengthening on the sofa. It will have to be done slow and gently, but I have got to get control of things or I'm really going to fall apart. 

I've placed holds and borrowed several books from the library recently. From Japanese flower arrangement to how to make Kimono and some Japanese cooking, I've been diving right back into Japan! Part of it is SCA related, I've finally decided to do a Japanese persona from the Heian period, and part of it is just because I really like Japanese cooking and culture. 

Doing stuff. Last night I wrote out the things that I feel make me happy or that I need to do to make feel successful in a day. I addressed it with Amanda and said I don't need to do these things every day, they can be shifted and changed throughout the week, but they do need to happen. Some things do need to happen every day and those I will be guarding closely. So, today, I'm going to work on a weekly base schedule that I can start implementing this coming week. But first, I promised a certain little orange kitty (Thorin) cuddles.

That's not what that means and when the pain keeps you up.

well this is a lie...

You know those silly little tests and quizzes you can find on the internet. Well, some of my Facebook friends were doing the one above and I refuse to link to it because it is inaccurate. Hannah or the Japanese equivalent of my name "Hana" means flower in Japanese, not Star as my first run through of this test said, and not warrior. But I did like the picture and while my name may not mean warrior, I am going to keep this and maybe print it out for a manifestation board because it is something to hang on to when I'm down. And I have been really, horribly down lately. 

Pain has kept me awake longer and and more frequently lately. I didn't sleep the night before last, had to take Amanda to work, and finally crashed from plain and simple exhaustion after 10 am yesterday. I awoke around 2 pm. Last night it took Amanda trying to tell me a story- she fell asleep-, me throwing the blankets off me to get cold and then warming up, and telling myself a story, getting up and down a few times, before I finally got some sleep. I don't know what time it was but what I do know is that it was almost 1 pm before I awoke today and I awoke in a lot of pain. I haven't been able to quell said pain all day. I tried applying Tiger Balm to all the places that hurt and then some lavender lotion to my hands so that I might relax and sleep, but I just could not get comfortable. Between poor Amanda's snoring (she had sleep apenea and her doctor is working on getting her a Cpap) and the pain, I just said fuck it, and surrendered to the living room. I thought, I might as well try to write since I had a bit of the urge to write today. 

That's not working out so well for me at the moment. I've been to facebook, went to the National Novel Writer's Month website and set up my novel for this year, and have even opened a word document. So far, not one word of my novel has been written. Okay, that's not totally true. I am working on a novel that I tried and have failed to write for the last couple of years. It's a long, depressing story, and maybe I just wasn't ready to write it when I thought I was. Whatever. Suffice it to say, while I was actually kind of dreading signing up and participating in NaNoWriMo this year, and I am late to the party, I am going to do it anyway. 

 My Dad is apparently taking up the challenge this year too. He asked me how many words I had written and when I told him none, he said he had me beat because he has 300+. He and my Mom were on their way to my Grandparent's house and in the background I could hear my Mom instructing me to send her some of my new stories because she is out of things to read again. I don't have that many, just the ones I did for school... But this was pretty much the politest way my Mom could crack her whip and tell me to get my ass in gear. She can be a real bitch with all the "now now now" stuff (she has OCD). But in this instance, it was actually kind of nice.