Friday, February 15, 2013

This side of haggard

Please forgive any and all errors, I am too tried to edit this...

My new medicine, the one for fibromyalgia, is helping a little, and believe me every little bit helps. However, it sure does make me tried and I certainly seem to exert some form of energy trying to fight against the drowsiness, which in turn just makes me exhausted. It;s kind of like I am too tried to stay awake and just awake enough that I can't sleep. And since it feels like I am running on fumes, I haven't been doing so well in staving off panic attacks or rationalizing with myself enough to keep myself from getting overwhelmed.

In the last week or so, I've panicked about writing and not writing enough to suit the new, more manageable goals I set. I've freaked over how long it's taken me to write the first chapter of a novel I am rewriting and reworking even though I know the characters very well. I've even been upset because I feel like I can't relax enough to write because I've been doing it earlier in the day, at the library, and I keep thinking of everything I still have left to do in the day.

I've also been upset because I'm not reading as much as I'd like. I'm not doing the crafts I'd like or keeping up with blogs. I've had a whole slew of bizarre and unsettling dreams. I'm becoming overly critical about food again in the way that no matter how healthy the food is and how small a portion, think each meal will make me gain a pound. That's really dangerous, especially because there are times that I haven't eaten enough and then get sick, weak, and shaky. Funny, how I've been trying to balance the right combinations of food, cut the portions down, and eat more than three times a day and I still can't seem to lose weight. Don't worry, I'm not in any danger of hurting myself food wise. I'm not that stupid. I still eat and I do not throw my food up. It's the thoughts in my head that aren't very good.

Anyway, all of this is I'm usually pretty good at rationalizing and working through, even if I have to vent about it for a bit and just get it off my chest. I usually feel better and can look at it differently afterwards. But not recently, not being so tired.

I'm pretty sure I scared my Aunt when I called asking to talk to my cousin Sheena the night before last. I was crying and when I started to unload, which I usually never do with my Aunt, she woke my cousin up and I talked to her for a minute before my Dad called. I cut my call with my cousin short and then spoke to my Dad. As you can guess, I ended up unloading on him, at which point he told me to put the phone down and get one of my nerve pills, and then come back to the phone. After awhile I started to calm down and when I was, I left my room and finished cooking dinner.

Today is going to be a doozy, I can tell. Neither Skoora or I could sleep last night so we gave up and decided to work on somethings. But we are so tried that we aren't getting anything of any value done. I think we are going to give up, set an alarm, and try to get a few hours of sleep before ramming the rest of the day a little later. I bet we can get a good solid 4 hours in before we really have to be up.

I do have some good news though, I have some really nice new pictures of my cats, and I am going to order some prints. I want to get some for myself and order just a few of the really nice ones for friends and family. Here is a teaser pic for my friends...

It's Galen and he was laying on the book I was reading.


  1. *hugs* I'm sorry that the combination of everything is making you stress. On the other hand I'm glad that you're not giving up on the rewrite of the novel. Also the pics of the kitties are terribly cute. ^_^ I think we ought to do some more photo shoots with them I just wish we had a decent camera like my one in Kansas only digital so we could upload them without having to wait a million years to get film back. No one is going to develop film in the future you know :(

    1. I know and the fact that they won't develop film makes me sad because you have a really fantastic camera. We are going to have to get the rolls of film we've used up developed sometime soon before it's too late.

      I would really like to take some pictures of the cats in the little wooded area sometime. I think they would be really cute. I just wonder if we can pull it off without them peeing in the car, getting too freaked out, and making sure they don't get fleas and ticks.

  2. Ugh! I hate that feeling you get when you're too tired to stay awake but can't sleep. It's like the twilight zone. Things get all surreal and you start feeling like you're just this pair of eyes watching life move around you.

    Is it live or Memorex? :-/

    Take it easy on yourself. *hugs*