Tuesday, March 28, 2017

To Hunt a Killer, Post Op Appointment, Down Moments, No Pressure

Today I had my post operation appointment. It's not quite been a month since my surgery but just about and I was a tad worried when I saw the evil-but-necessary pelvic exam equipment sitting out on the counter. I had read on the Hystersister's site that doctors usually do that exam at 6 weeks. You know because the lovely post-op paper of what you can and can't do in certain amounts of time says no sex until 6-8 weeks have passed. But nope, my doctor wanted to make sure everything was healing properly. I am healing well but I am very sore from her exam despite how gentle she was. Tylenol is putting a dent in it though. 

The good news is, I don't ever have to have another exam like that again, unless I have pain for some reason, and I don't have to take hormones. My doctor also gave me the official pathology report. I had lots of cysts but everything was benign. So I am good to go and can start tackling other issues like my back, my weight, the firbromyalgia, and depression and anxiety.  

Moving on. My friend Chris took me to my appointment this morning and after we came back to my house for lunch, to watch a movie (which we both fell asleep during) and to look at a monthly subscription box she'd ordered: Hunt a killer. The first box introduces you to you "pen pal/friend" and you are supposed to discover the mystery behind this person and what they may or may not have done. We spread it out on my kitchen table and read everything, looked at the clues sent to us, and then I started by making lists of things like keywords, how many times the 'penpal' said certain things, references that were made and so on. We came up with a couple of theories and then put stuff away. We have a couple of things we want to research later. The next box is supposed to build on the first and so on and so forth. It is really neat. 

I have been having some really heavy, intense bursts of depression lately. I will be discussing it with my therapist this weekend, of course. Some of the things I have been struggling with are really personal and on top of that there has been an underlying tension in the house along with an overwhelming sense of guilt that is starting to suffocate me and piss me off. I need to address these things so I can move on.

I talked to my Dad tonight. He had to travel for some of his work and stopped at all the roadside landmarks when he had five hours to kill. He learned quite a bit about Liberal and Ashland, Kansas, and imparted that information on to me. I, of course, went to go look at pictures of these places so I could see what he'd seen. It was fun. 

For some reason my Grandpa seems to be thinking about me an awful lot lately. He wants to see me publish something before he dies. Since he is 88 years old and has Alzheimer's, I guess I had better get to work. He apparently wanted to know what had happened, that I had such potential, and I am going to fucking cry because while I've always known that my Grandpa loves me and misses me, I didn't realize that he'd ever paid that much attention to anything I was doing. I mean he took me fishing and showed me how to do some things, took me to museums and traveling and taught me how to do some gardening, ect... But, I was kind of more my Grandma's helper. Grandma wanted to teach me house wife stuff and sewing, piano, and so on. 

Anyway, no pressure right? Because we wouldn't want to, you know, add a sense of time running out to someone has horrible anxiety and already has that sense to begin with plus very high expectations of herself. It's fine. No, I probably won't have anything published by the time he forgets that he said that or me or he passes, but it's a nice goal to work toward.


  1. I hope you're coming along ok. Reading your surgery post brought back a lot of memories. Take it easy and be kind to your body, but most importantly don't rush into anything - I made this mistake wanting to get fit and I think ultimately I messed up the pelvic floor even more so! I can sympathize with the pressure from your gramps, I've been an artist all my life and everyone does that "you're going to be a great artist some day" shit, which puts my anxiety through the roof as I realize days are just dwindling away. I've already had a couple of graphic novel ideas but I just can't get anything done, arrgh!

    1. It is difficult to remember to be kind to myself. I feel as if I should be able to do everything.

      I hate the feeling of days dwindling away, it leaves a bitter aftertaste in the mouth, creates an underlying panic, and makes things you feel like shit.
      Try doing one page at a time. Or one panel at a time. Even if it is just the pencil work. Graphic novels are hard. I had a couple ideas for some a few years ago but I could never draw well enough to get things out.

  2. Just do what you can do, it's all you can do. Seems I spend every day of my life looking about and feeling pressured by the expectations of others and just wanting to make it all go away. Then looking about for direction because I'm uncertain of my own ability and unsure what I want.
    Yes,. I'm 51 and I stiiillll haven't fooouuund what I'm looking fooooorrr! Lol!
    Yeah, not funny I guess.
    Take your time healing. It's only been a few short weeks. I know you're anxious to move on in life in a body that's held you hostage most of the time but rushing things will get you set back. I'm glad you got to go to the kitty sanctuary place yesterday, but that was still pushing your luck, imo.
    No matter. I don't know what's best for you. Only you can really know that.

    1. You will find what you are looking for, I think you just have to hang in there. Remember that you are still in a state of grief and maybe even flux. You've had some big changes in the last couple of years, even the last several months. None of that was or is easy.

      I know I have to be careful, but do you think I am? No, because I want to push on. My brain says "get up, keep going" my body says "Nope, you're down for the count," it feels like my brain is trying to drag the rest of me along and it can't. If that makes sense.

      The cat place was probably too much and certainly going shopping was too. But at the same time, it was nice to get out and see big kitties.