Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Want to cry, tired and sore

Because I needed something adorable and cute today.

Emotionally, I am not doing well and today feels exceptionally bad. I tried to read, I tried to write, I even tried rest on the sofa and watch NHK World, Absolutely Fabulous, Midsummer Murders, and Stargate SG1. Nope, nothing's helping or pulling me up, not even music. Guess it is just a bad depression day. Normally I can deal but I just don't have the motivation to do anything. Which, in turn, makes me want to cry and have tiny fits of panic. 

I realize it has only been a month since I had surgery. I realize that I generally heal slower and that I haven't exactly had the best or even bouts of sleep long enough for my body to heal itself. However, I am really sore and every time I laugh or cough and sometimes when I go to the bathroom, I hurt where my cervix used to be. Sometimes when I get up, it hurts too. Its kind of aggravating. 

I still can't lay down without pain. Its enough that I can't ignore it and just sleep. So I am still sleeping, sitting up, on the sofa. I think that's really taking its toll on me because I'm not sleeping with Amanda. Sometimes all I want is a little cuddle time and I feel as though I can't have it. 

If I am honest, the damned clear blue pregnancy test commercial that runs over and over again on Hulu is really upsetting. I thought I had made peace a long time ago with not having kids of my own. After a while of having my period all over the place and then not stopping and all that mess, I never once trusted my body to have kids. Then it was a please make this stop so I can live sort of deal. And now that it is all gone, I'm dealing with all of them psychological crap that goes with it because damn it, I did want to have kids and I am so angry that I couldn't and even more angry now I will never even be able to try. Some people are like, well Amanda could have a kid or you could adopt. Yes, this is true and I am not against either of those except I don't want Amanda to sleep with someone else and I find the idea of buying a child abhorrent. I don't know, it's just probably the hormones leaving my system and my body adjusting to not having things that should be there, there. Either way, it hurts.

I'm a little upset on another front because I have some friends that want to hang out and a couple of them are having some troubles of their own. I want to help and part of me wants to hang out, but the other part of me just wishes people would leave me alone. I don't have the energy to deal with my own crap much less anyone else's problems. I'm not trying to be mean or rude, I just need more time. I have a whole new reality to adjust to.

Writing has been a little bit of a struggle the last couple of days. I rewrote a scene 4 times in one night and had to break away from it. I finally finished it up last night and write the next couple- which I was much happier with. I was worried and I still am, that by staying the night at a friend's house for two nights, I had interrupted my flow too much and was losing it. But I may just be worrying for no reason. This is probably also depression talking. 

Since I don't feel good and am crying now, I am going to take my depressed ass back to the sofa to watch something that may or may not cheer me up. Hopefully afterward I can get back to writing.  P.S. I know I am running behind again on blog reading, I'm hoping to get caught up in the next few days 


  1. This sounds like a hormonal thing. Plus you seem to be coming off the mania you were having.
    I'm so sorry you're in such pain and depression! And that you can't get cuddles you need. :'(

    1. Definitely a hormonal thing. I don't know enough about mania to know what goes on with it. Guess that's another thing I am going to have a research.
      I will be okay, I already feel a little better today.