Friday, April 14, 2017

Neighbors, writing struggles, and musical zen,

Yesterday, I left to take a walk to my mail box. I was wearing my sun and moon leggings, a back dress that goes to my knees, and was carrying the lovely UV protection umbrella/parasol (I'm mildly allergic to the sun and some medication I am on makes me even more sensitive to sunlight) Amanda bought me for my birthday. All the neighbors who were waiting for the noon bus to pick up their kids at the corner stared at me. I had a little giggle. It's almost as if they've never seen a fat goth before. LOL actually, come to think of it. I don't think many of them have ever seen me period. I haven't exactly gone out much except to get the mail or go straight to the car since living here. I don't hang out with my neighbors. 

Speaking of my neighbors, I heard someone say "fuck off" really loudly outside my patio door last night and since I was up, I opened the curtain to see a woman walking away from a cop who was shining a flash light at her. I closed the curtain and went back to my business. In all reality she was probably drunk or something.

I slept a bit yesterday. It was good and I actually laid down for a bit with no problems. That's improvement. However, I was having a bad day emotionally. Not sure what set it off but I remember sitting at my desk, trying to write the last chapter I was working on while crying. I thought, I have nearly 400 pages, I'm struggling with this story and don't know why since I know where I want to go- more or less- with it, but it's nearly 400 pages of fanfiction, which means that when I do get it finished it is not publishable nor was it ever meant to be. But that made me a little sad. I feel pulled to work on other stories, but I have denied those urges because I have this terrible problem of not finishing projects and I am damned determined to see this one through to the end. It's a matter of proving to myself that I can. It is also a matter of me seeing if I can write period, which after yesterday's ugly cry fest, I felt less than mediocre. 

I e-mail Amanda at work and told her I was having a terrible day and we decided not to worry about cooking and went to Ron's Burgers, a local business near our house. I didn't want to go in, so we did the drive thru and came home. We both fell asleep watching Ab Fab but I woke sometime around eight and finished a movie I'd started several days ago. Then I moved over to my computer to pick up the writing work again. Except I didn't get much writing done last night because I spent about two and half hours listening to various music on youtube. I was all over the place. Halsey, Lady Gaga, the 69 Eyes. I stumbled across two new artists that seem interesting.

I'm guessing Kerli just might be pagan. Don't know, but there is some interesting imagery in the video.

Eivor was interesting, wasn't on the same heavy bass and epic level of music I seemed to have favored last night but maybe that's what made it so appealing. 

I, of course went for a favorite from Gackt. I love his voice! He's pretty too, but really, I just love listening to him sing. 

I learned about Nathan Lanier while listening to my Two Steps from Hell Station on Pandora. I love this song so much. He's definitely becoming a new favorite for epic music to write to.

Anyway, I relaxed a bit while listening to music, let myself get lost in a lot of it, and it was very much a kind therapy or meditative sort of thing. I felt a little better afterword, enough that I was able to finish the short chapter I was working on. 

I've started a small project, since I listen to music while writing, to write down songs that evoke certain emotions or have some reference to an element, such as water or fire. I'm trying to assemble an "elemental" playlist of sorts for a a story I'm going to be writing soon. One of the songs I found, which I think might actually fit the story really well is this one by Seabound, called Scorch the Ground.


It is so weird to think that I first heard this song a decade ago. 

Well, I since I was up all night again and am hurting a bit today, I am going to go lie down with a book with the hopes of crashing out soon.


  1. So when do we get to read the fan fic? :D *nods eagerly*
    I think all writers have periods of deep doubts about their abilities from time to time.
    I was reaming myself over the RP I did with Amanda because 1/2 to 2/3 of the content was sex. So there never would have been enough story to make it a book. I'm not sure I'd be very good at trying to sew more content into an existing story, I'm having problems just squeezing this current project out.

    1. Don't feel bad, Amanda and I have an rp that's pretty much nothing but sex! It is a bit difficult to sew more content in, but it is do able.

      I'm not sure when or if I am going to post the fanfic. I'm still trying to decide. <3 I will let you know when I do decide.