Sunday, August 13, 2017

Its a lot worse than it looks, 2 months away, where the fuck is the glue?!

There are things I haven't talked about, things that are very serious, things that I've been too afraid to mention to anyone except Amanda. The reasons are that I already vent a lot of my frustrations here and while I have repeatedly stated that this is primarily what this blog is for, I hold back good deal. My perception is that anyone who stumbles across this already thinks I am a wimpy whiny bitch with slight rage issues that can't hack it. Well, maybe, but I think a good deal of it has to deal with some heavy blows that cut a little deeper, or knocked me down a little harder than I was expecting. 

Things are really bad and they have been for a long time, under the surface, and I've hidden as best as I could but ts finally too much again and I'm really cracking. My wedding is 2 months away and I should be excited but most of the time when I think about it, I just cry. My parents reluctance has hurt me really bad. Even after I talked to my Mom and asked point blank if they wanted to come and she said they really truly do, I still feel the hesitancy. I know they feel bad because I bought their tickets, because I am going to have to take care of them while they are here, and so, but isn't that what family is supposed to do? I don't care, I just want want to see them and share this moment with them. I just want to have time to share with them where I live. 

The second part is that I am scared that I am not going to fit into my wedding dress. After the hysterectomy my body changed and my flabby fat stomach shifted downward a little. My core muscles were cut into and were weak.  It's awful. I sometimes get painful rashes between my stomach fat and my thighs. I still have pain in the incision area and it till aches when I go to the bathroom sometimes. My back hurts more. I can't get comfortable standing, sitting, and especially not laying down. Sometimes the dull incessant aches of things drive me crazy and I can't stand it. I've told Amanda a couple of times that if I gain any more weight, I'm just going kill myself because nothing is working and I can't do anything without being in such pain I want to tear my skin off. Sometimes I hit myself because I am so furious with my body. I just want it to give me a little so I can make it better. 

I recently had blood work done and I got my results. My TSH levels were high and I didn't know what that meant, so I looked it up. Apparently it has to do with your thyroid and my levels have all the characteristics or symptoms of Hypothyroidism. To double check the information I was reading, I asked a friend who has thyroid problems. They said, yes, my levels were high and welcome to the "hypo club".  But because I always want to discuss things with my doctor, I decided to see what she said. Only I didn't get to talk to my doctor, her nurse called to give me the results. My anemia is better, but they want send me back to OBGYN to see if my fatigue is hormone related. Why can't she do the tests for that herself? Secondly they want me to watch my sugar intake because my blood sugar was 113 fasting- which is within the normal range and the first blood plannel she did on me a couple of months ago said my A1C was perfect. She said nothing about my thyroid so I asked. the nurse said it wasn't a concern and left it at that. How is it not a concern when on the result it is red marked and there is even a little low-norm-high bar and I'm marked in the high section and according to all the sources Amanda found on the internet, I'm way above where I should be. 

This is so frustrating. It feels like my doctor doesn't want to deal with. That because I am fat, I just need to move. Well, yeah, but if there is something wrong that is keeping me this way, I can move all I want, push myself to keep going, fight through the pain, and it won't do me a damn bit of good. It hasn't so far. The worst part is that I get so overwhelmed and have been told over and over again that if I just lose weight, I won't have issues anymore, that I almost can't bring anything up. Except that if I lose the weight, I will still have a herniated disk and fibromyalgia. Those things affect one of my skinny friends too and she's often been just as miserable with pain and shit as I am. Amanda has decided that I am no longer allowed to go to the doctor without her or her mother to advocate for me because I can't seem to do so for myself. As much as that is a relief, it scares me. My doctor will want to up my depression meds or switch them and if we do that, I'm going to gain more weight. it happens every time. 

When I write this stuff out, it seems to stupid and the rational part of my brain says, it's going to be okay, one step at time, don't give up, you can do this. But none of this stops for me. I can distract myself. I can focus or try to focus  on other things but something will hurt, or I will move wrong, or a random thought will pop into my head, or I will be trying to set up a wedding party planning meeting, or even trying to clean my house, and I just- the depression monster slips in like a sly bitch and whispers a little something and I just can't. Its driving me crazy. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I look at the mess my house has become and instantly feel guilt for not feeling up to cleaning it, because that means I'm not contributing. I feel even worse when I have thoughts like "I actually need help with this, I'm overwhelmed". The last time I vacuumed, which I have been told not to do on account of my back, I over did it and hurt myself. It makes me so angry. I like cleaning my house and I can't do it on my own anymore and I'm fucking 33 years old. I've lost so much control and independence that I'm desperately clinging to any that I have left. I keep telling myself it could be worse, but that's hardly an uplifting thought. 

I'm right back to the point where I have panic attacks so bad, Amanda want to take me to the hospital.  I'm right back to having thoughts that I am a burden, a parasite, and I'm so tired to fighting to try to stay more positive and make myself get out of bed and do something productive, even something that makes me happy, that sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake back up. I have these awful random thoughts of cutting my fat off with scissors to get the weight off just so I can get some relief. It is really and truly bad and I'm scared. I think the only reasons I haven't ended it, is because I don't want my parents to outlive anther kid, or to leave Amanda alone, or my cats, and I don't want to make my friends sad. 

I am trying. I'm using coping techniques that I got from my therapist. I am doing some things that I enjoy to help inspire my creativity, that make me happy or excited, and I am taking time for myself and saying to some things. I even cancelled a meeting with my wedding party because the house isn't clean (it needs picked up, dusted, swept an vacuumed), I knew Amanda and I were both too tired and or sore to get it done in time. I also didn't think I could handle several people at once an certainly did not want to have a cry in front of them.         


  1. Hypothyroidism is surprisingly common amongst women following a hysterectomy, as are any hormonal imbalances (depending on what's been taken out of you, not sure if they've got you on hormone therapy, they tend to save it for worst case scenarios). Your back pain could be related to the sciatic nerve which is affected during the operation, and your internal pain might be scarred tissue, or damage to the pelvic floor.

    Regardless, you're stressed and stressing yourself out, so first things first, meditate, breathe, and take things easy. Do get the hypothyroidism thing in check as it will help you feel better and with treatment it could even allow you to overcome your weight issues. One of the symptoms of hypothyroidism is increased weight gain and/or difficulty losing weight, so don't be too hard on yourself when it comes to weight issues, it's clearly a health problem and not a lifestyle choice. Women also have a tendency to gain weight post hyst due to the overwhelming amount of stress the body undergoes, like a survival mechanism, your body stores fat for survival. Evidently you're doing your best to address your health and that's worth acknowledging. It's going to feel like it's taking an eternity to recover post hyst, unfortunately that's a natural part of the process. I didn't start feeling better until almost a year afterwards and I've sustained a handful of complications related to my hysterectomy. I just hope that you come through this as unscathed as possible.

    I know it can be hard with fibro, I'm recently diagnosed and I've been out of work for almost a year. I grapple with thoughts of suicide and self harm on a daily basis. Nothing takes the guilt away, you kind of just learn to cope with it. It might help you to join MyFibroTeam, if you're not already on it, many users on there are friendly and supportive, and if you're lucky enough to live in a popular city, you will have greater access to resources for support and therapy.

    It sounds lame but you really have to work towards forgiving yourself. It took me ages to do it but I'm to a point now where I can say it's not my fault, I'm in pain, it's out of my control. These are the cards I've been dealt, now I just have to learn to adapt.

    It doesn't help that you've got wedding woes on top of it all, that's a natural stressor for anyone! Just try to keep the big picture in perspective, it's a big love party, the objective: to have fun.

  2. Thank you Ladyfair, there's a lot of really good advice here. It's funny, I've been talking about meditation and my struggle with that too (I have a hard time quieting my brain) with a friend and with a therapist. Both had some great pointers too.

    Unfortunately for my area, the only fibro support is online. I was actually looking it up earlier last week.

    Forgiving myself doesn't sound lame, it sounds necessary and a long uphill battle. I'm supposed to be saying in the mirror "I want to love you" in the morning.

    As for the rest of it, I'll be seeing my doctor again soon and taking Amanda with me. I don't advocate for myself very well and Amanda has no problem helping me out.

  3. The TSH is a thyroid stimulating hormone secreted by the pituitary gland to stimulate the thyroid to produce its hormones. I don't know why the doctor wouldn't give you thyroid medication if the tests came back flagged.

    I'm not surprised that your doctor didn't order the tests herself. This is how doctors scratch each other's backs-by sending people to specialists. Sometimes you have to wait a long time for those appointments too.

    For meditation I'd recommend The Joy of Meditation by Salle Merrill Redfield. Great to teach you to slow the minds chatter.

    I wish I knew how to get to that place of self forgiveness but I suck at that too. Especially in the areas where there's nothing to actually forgive, in which case I have to forgive myself for not forgiving myself.

    I'm so sorry, I wish I could be more helpful. :-(

    1. You are fine, you are yet another friend who thinks it weird that my Doctor more or less blew me off on this matter, which only solidifies that this is indeed a problem.
      I will most certainly check out The Joy of Meditation. It never hurts to try something.
      Self love and forgiveness is difficult and it takes a long time to rewrite a good deal of negative brain transcript. Despite knowing this, it doesn't make it any easier.