My Dad used to tell me to "expect the worst and hope for the best". He also used to tell me that "this is as good as it gets, so you got to suck it up and get on with your life". My Dad struggles with depression and anxiety and I doubt it was easy for him to see his daughter going through the same and reporting that it hurt to wear her clothes and that even her hair hurt. We didn't know about fibromyalgia back when I was in high school and it wasn't until my Senior year that I was diagnosed with depression. Dad was working 40-80 hr work weeks, on call, and was worrying over my Mom. It was the sagest advice he could muster.
Sadly, its all true, except for when I can't get on with my life. The world keeps moving when I fall down and then I'm stuck playing catch up when I can get back on my feet. I hate it. Lately, despite the happy fact that I am getting married, that the drama over whether or not my parents would come is thankfully over, I've hit a wall. The world keeps moving, like it always does, and I'm caught behind a glass wall watching. I realized sometime last week, as I looked at the state of my house, that I need help pure and simple. Amanda is working overtime, I'm exhausted, hurting, or just don't have the spoons to rev my 'get up and go' engine. I hate that I can't vacuum the living room without hurting myself. I hate that I can't effectively advocate for myself at the doctors office. I hate that I can't be functional enough to go out, get even a part time job so I can help Amanda with the bills and so we have more options in regards to buying a house. Most of all, I hate how much its eating me up inside, the panic attacks on the bedroom floor, and so on.
But, the other day, when I was taking an hour- if I am honest it was two- for self care and perusing pinterest, I came across a quote from Jane Austin: I am half agony, half hope. I thought, that's me in a nut shell. I agonize over what I can't do anymore, what I'm not anymore, and hope that I can turn it all around and have better days. I decided that I am getting it tattooed on me somewhere, in the near future with the the semicolon below it, because that too is me.
On to happier things.
I have a lot to do today.
1. I have a few errands to run.
2. I need compile the final list of wedding invitations and get them ready to send out. Amanda wants to add a couple more people from work.
3. I need to take stupid paper work to the apartment management office (the bastards).
4. And I need to clean up my kitchen so I can make dinner tonight.
5. I also need at least a half hour nap because I feel like shit and want to have a tiny energy boost before I head out.
6. I also need to place an order on amazon for a special sewing ruler.
I took Amanda to work this morning and the two places two places I need to go still aren't open yet.
This week's list is:
1. Compile a list of what is left to get for the wedding.
2. Clean the bathroom
3. Find a coat hook thing for the wall (I want something specific) and possibly a bench we can sit on to put on shoes and store shoes under that I can actually reach under.
4. Keep editing stories.
5. Keep the cats from breaking any more dishes.
Speaking of my adorable balls of fur, both of them have been so sweet and cuddly the last couple of days. Narcisa has been playing more, wanting more attention, and has generally been in a better mood. Thorin has always been an attention seeker but lately he's been talking a lot more. Mostly he wants more food in his bowl- despite the fact that he nearly always has some still in it, but sometimes he's just talking to get my attention as if to say "I'm awake now and I'm coming to find you for love and cuddles". This morning I awoke to one of his favorite toys on my pillow. While I was trying to wake Amanda for work, he was playing on my Vanity and discovered the press lights I'd purchased to put around my mirror so I'd have more light for make up. As you can imagine I was a little spooked when I heard a strange clicking noise, saw flashing lights, and me not being completely awake, had a scary notion of ailen abduction for the briefest moment- at least until I realized what was what.
Thorin is also getting quite resourceful. He still doesn't cover his poop with cat litter yet he knows he needs to cover it. So he has taken to pulling down clean towels or laundry left on the floor, into the cat box. Neither he nor Narcisa soil it, which is a blessing, but still eww. On top of that, he's decided to start pulling tissue or the wrappers from pads from the trash can to cover his ick. I can't really get too upset over it, he is trying, just not the right way.
Lastly, I hope those who could see the eclipse, got to see it. We were supposed to go over to a friends house to spend the night and see it, but Amanda's Aunt Nancy died this weekend. So, we nixed those plans, because Amanda had to work the day of the eclipse too and we were both too tired to drive that far. Well, Sunday a friend here in town invited me over to watch it with them, and well, I thought okay, it's not that far, and I could go home when I needed too.
It was a nice quiet, viewing affair. I was so tired that I didn't have my usual nerdy gusto for things space related, plus prior to the eclipse the sun was bright and brutal on my eyes, lol. But I still enjoyed it. I am sad to say that once we were inside the house, I crashed hard on my friend's sofa. I woke up for a little bit and then crashed out again. Apparently, they tried to wake me to see if I would take one of them to the store and found the not-awake-conversation with me hilarious. I don't remember the conversation. Anyway, because it was also a new moon that night, one of our friends wanted to do a fertility ritual. She's trying to have a baby. Amanda and I helped with the spell and headed home because we were both exhausted. However, I did make a spell candle, funnel some intent and energy into it, and have been lighting it off and on for them to help. No, I don't think it is overkill. I think anything and everything that can help will help.
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