Explosion, meltdown, thank the gods for Amanda and friends

The last couple of months have difficult and stressful, I've whined, ranted, and bitched enough about on this blog for everyone who reads it to have a very clear picture. 

Well, I have been trying really hard to hold it together, to get things done, and push myself into a positive- more happy state of mind. Amanda is having a hard time too and I want to support her 100% especially because she does so much and works so hard. Try as I could, bits of crying and doom and gloom eked out. It eked out of her too and yesterday I lost it. 

I awoke feeling awful, in pain, and ready to cry the moment I opened my eyes. We watched some anime for a an hour and tried to get started with the house- since it was Amanda's day off after working 8 in a row. Well, neither of us were doing so great and so we were slow to get going. It didn't help that they've already started tearing up the apartment above us there were constant loud bangs, thumps, and stomping. It was starting to drive me nuts. So I left to go get our marriage licence while Amanda began getting the living room ready to move our bed into it. We want to use our bedroom to put all the packed boxes in so they are out of the way. 

Anyway, I drove all the way downtown and when I arrived I realized that Amanda needed to be with me and that I didn't have change for the parking meter. On top of that it seemed like a lot of people were driving erratically n the highway. Which, really doesn't help the dream like feeling I was experiencing. The drive home wasn't good and the closer I got to home, the more angry I became. Stop and go traffic on the highway with people zipping in and out around me doesn't ever help that situation.  

When I finally got in the apartment, I told Amanda not to freak out I needed to scream. Then I just let it out. I realized after that the windows were open and that I'd freaked out the cats. The cats I cared about the neighbors can go fuck themselves. But that seemed to have been the tipping point because I began crying and couldn't stop. It got bad, really bad. I don't know what it is that happens in my brain when I slip into a sobbing session like that, what it is that makes me kind of half panic, but I start scratching. I had chewed my fingernails down just in case, but that didn't seem to matter. I was still scratching a little. Amanda sat me down and held my hands and talked to me, helped me remember to breathe. After awhile I calmed down enough to get up and go to the bathroom.

While I was in there, the panic started to ramp up again but I kind of went half numb. It was very weird. I hear Amanda call her Mom and hear her crying. She was so upset. This is supposed to be a happy time, we're getting married, its shouldn't be like this- this is what I can remember- and at that point everything bottomed out. I can't stand to hear her cry like that. I can't stand for her to be that upset, hurting this much.  I just. I have a problem with self harm. I never attack anyone else, just myself. I punched my legs, I scratched the hell out of my stomach but it was kind of like I wasn't there, only half there. Its hard to describe. Then when I realized what I was doing, I freaked even more because I don't want to be like that, I don't want to do these things. 

I got myself to calm down a little, enough to get out of the bathroom. I told Amanda I was going to put clean sheets on the bed, then make dinner, but I needed to do something first. She said okay. I came out to the living room and got on facebook because I knew we both needed help not just with the wedding and packing up the apartment. Only I sat there for half an hour unable to ask because I am terrified that my negative energy, my negativity and crazy will bog others down. I do not want to be a burden ever. I already feel like one some of the time. The longer I sat, the darker my thoughts became. I was crying again but not so bad per se. 

Amanda came out and wanted to know how I was doing. I told her I was having bad thoughts. She asked if I could share them with her, I did and she went to go change clothes because she was going to take me to the hospital. I freaked out. Mostly because I was afraid that they would just drug me up and send me home or keep me and then not let me leave and then I would be stuck in there and miss my wedding. 

Amanda got me calmed down from that. I decided I needed to talk to my friend Chris and go fora  short drive. I ended up at the gas station to get cigarettes. I felt better by the time I got home. We decided to call and check on another friend and see how she was doing and then twenty minutes later she was here and we talked about so much stuff. I felt so much better afterward. Exhausted, but better. I hope Amanda and our friend did too. 

Today, I feel almost back to normal. The bulk of the weight I was feeling is gone and I can breathe again. I think more clearly and feel more grounded and stable. I'm going to talk to my therapist about what happened. I think I am okay, at least for now and hopefully for a long time. I want to focus on the wedding and be happy, and help Amanda have a good and happy experience. This is an exciting time for us, we should be caught up in it not bogged down with borderline depression.