Explosion, meltdown, thank the gods for Amanda and friends

The last couple of months have difficult and stressful, I've whined, ranted, and bitched enough about on this blog for everyone who reads it to have a very clear picture. 

Well, I have been trying really hard to hold it together, to get things done, and push myself into a positive- more happy state of mind. Amanda is having a hard time too and I want to support her 100% especially because she does so much and works so hard. Try as I could, bits of crying and doom and gloom eked out. It eked out of her too and yesterday I lost it. 

I awoke feeling awful, in pain, and ready to cry the moment I opened my eyes. We watched some anime for a an hour and tried to get started with the house- since it was Amanda's day off after working 8 in a row. Well, neither of us were doing so great and so we were slow to get going. It didn't help that they've already started tearing up the apartment above us there were constant loud bangs, thumps, and stomping. It was starting to drive me nuts. So I left to go get our marriage licence while Amanda began getting the living room ready to move our bed into it. We want to use our bedroom to put all the packed boxes in so they are out of the way. 

Anyway, I drove all the way downtown and when I arrived I realized that Amanda needed to be with me and that I didn't have change for the parking meter. On top of that it seemed like a lot of people were driving erratically n the highway. Which, really doesn't help the dream like feeling I was experiencing. The drive home wasn't good and the closer I got to home, the more angry I became. Stop and go traffic on the highway with people zipping in and out around me doesn't ever help that situation.  

When I finally got in the apartment, I told Amanda not to freak out I needed to scream. Then I just let it out. I realized after that the windows were open and that I'd freaked out the cats. The cats I cared about the neighbors can go fuck themselves. But that seemed to have been the tipping point because I began crying and couldn't stop. It got bad, really bad. I don't know what it is that happens in my brain when I slip into a sobbing session like that, what it is that makes me kind of half panic, but I start scratching. I had chewed my fingernails down just in case, but that didn't seem to matter. I was still scratching a little. Amanda sat me down and held my hands and talked to me, helped me remember to breathe. After awhile I calmed down enough to get up and go to the bathroom.

While I was in there, the panic started to ramp up again but I kind of went half numb. It was very weird. I hear Amanda call her Mom and hear her crying. She was so upset. This is supposed to be a happy time, we're getting married, its shouldn't be like this- this is what I can remember- and at that point everything bottomed out. I can't stand to hear her cry like that. I can't stand for her to be that upset, hurting this much.  I just. I have a problem with self harm. I never attack anyone else, just myself. I punched my legs, I scratched the hell out of my stomach but it was kind of like I wasn't there, only half there. Its hard to describe. Then when I realized what I was doing, I freaked even more because I don't want to be like that, I don't want to do these things. 

I got myself to calm down a little, enough to get out of the bathroom. I told Amanda I was going to put clean sheets on the bed, then make dinner, but I needed to do something first. She said okay. I came out to the living room and got on facebook because I knew we both needed help not just with the wedding and packing up the apartment. Only I sat there for half an hour unable to ask because I am terrified that my negative energy, my negativity and crazy will bog others down. I do not want to be a burden ever. I already feel like one some of the time. The longer I sat, the darker my thoughts became. I was crying again but not so bad per se. 

Amanda came out and wanted to know how I was doing. I told her I was having bad thoughts. She asked if I could share them with her, I did and she went to go change clothes because she was going to take me to the hospital. I freaked out. Mostly because I was afraid that they would just drug me up and send me home or keep me and then not let me leave and then I would be stuck in there and miss my wedding. 

Amanda got me calmed down from that. I decided I needed to talk to my friend Chris and go fora  short drive. I ended up at the gas station to get cigarettes. I felt better by the time I got home. We decided to call and check on another friend and see how she was doing and then twenty minutes later she was here and we talked about so much stuff. I felt so much better afterward. Exhausted, but better. I hope Amanda and our friend did too. 

Today, I feel almost back to normal. The bulk of the weight I was feeling is gone and I can breathe again. I think more clearly and feel more grounded and stable. I'm going to talk to my therapist about what happened. I think I am okay, at least for now and hopefully for a long time. I want to focus on the wedding and be happy, and help Amanda have a good and happy experience. This is an exciting time for us, we should be caught up in it not bogged down with borderline depression.     

New pain, withdraw issues, glasses, happier things

Okay so Monday was bad. Today is going to be better because I am going to make it be better, but we will talk about the happier today things in a few, Monday first. 

Sunday night, I woke up freezing and shaking. I was so cold that my back, shoulder, and neck were seizing up super tight. I don't know what I did to the muscle around my shoulder blade but it was hurting pretty bad on Sunday, bad enough to cause a migraine and keep me from moving very well. Anyway, back to that night. I actually had to turn on the space heater to warm up enough so I could move and go to the bathroom. Amanda had to fetch me water, and I had to lay in bed with the heater pointed at me for about half an hour before I could turn the fan back on and sleep. From that point on I had nightmares and that's how Monday got off to a terrible start. 

When I woke up, I could barely move and couldn't turn my head. So I spent a few minutes taking it slow. I'd seen my Mom do all manner of neck and shoulder stretches, so I tried those very carefully. They really didn't help. So I did my best to get up, get dressed, and move to the sofa and applied some heat. That got me to loosen up a little, but the pain was still pretty bad, bad enough that I gave up the brave face, broke down and took a pain pill. I hate them. 

I discovered that I did an assignment wrong in my writing class and will have to redo it, which sucks because I am a little behind in the class. I had forgotten about an assignment in my other class and it took me twice as long to get the homework done in that class as I had thought. So it's still catch up time. But I was really kind of out of it from the pain pill to do anything of value so I kind of poked around a little bit on the internet until Amanda got home and that's when shit hit the fan. 

I had a melt down over the dumbest crap. I was crying, I screamed at a spoon that wouldn't go into one of the silverware slots in the dishwasher. I wanted to call my Mom. I was upset over the fact that dinner wasn't what Amanda wanted but it was what I could manage. I was upset because the ants have migrated further into my kitchen and I just can't handle bugs (I had a really bad experience at my aunts house when I was younger that has never left me). I was upset over the fact that my house needs picked up but I couldn't move enough to take care of it and that I had homework to do but couldn't think clearly enough to do it. I was also upset because I realized that last night was an episode of withdrawal from my depression medication. I finally have my medical records and will be going to a place that specializes in mental/behavioral health this week as well as trying to get an appointment set up for the holistic doctor I found. So this has all been the unfortunate ugly combination of new bodily pain playing with the normal pain, withdrawal from medication, and depression. Thankfully this is all easily fixed or dealt with. 

On to more happy things. I got my new glasses in the mail today. I like them and you'll see me in them later. 

Amanda and I went over all the critiques my instructor and classmates did on my short story rough draft. I read her the draft and we discussed some of the things in the critiques. We also discussed some character motivations, building, and she also helped me hash out more firmly where I am going with the story. There's just one problem. This is not a short story. This is a freaking novel. A kind of Persephone meets Alice in Wonderland meets Epic Fantasy world fairy tale kind of thing with darker tones. I didn't mean to do it. In retrospect, I probably should have just experimented with writing another horror story, but this is where I was taken. So now I am going to have to finish writing out the 20-25 pages and hope I can cram in everything that needs to be there, remove the things I can safely cut, and smooth it all out successfully enough to get the job done. Hopefully I can manage all of this and still get a good grade. After the class, I will have to revisit it, tear it apart, and redo it as a novel. But that's a good thing. The only draw back to that is that this was supposed to be something to put in my portfolio as a piece I could send off to be published as a short story. Oh well. 

Other happy things are that I saw a cute little marmot running around in the grass yesterday. I also talked to my neighbor who recently lost her son. She looks good considering. 

Lastly, my Uncle Craig went in a few days ago to have some sort of surgery to see if he had lung cancer again. The results haven't come back yet and while he was in recovery, his heart stopped. They got him back but it was touch and go for a little bit. We don't know why yet and worse, he was in the room that my Uncle Chris died in- which was really hard on my cousin Shi-Chan and Grandma Diane and Grandpa Rip. Of course my aunt managed to find a way to be a bitch and make it all about her in some disgustingly dramatic display. But the good news is that Uncle Craig seems to be stable and doing better. They've moved him from that room and into a less critical area of the hospital. So I am hoping for the best for him. 

*Note Grandma Diane and Grandpa Rip are technically Shi-chan's Grandparents via her Dad, my late Uncle Chris. But they treated me just the same as Shi-Chan and her siblings. I'm not nearly as close to Uncle Criag, my Uncle Chris's brother, but he is still my uncle and I worry about him. 

I am not at your beck and call and last week

Something I would love to say to my aunt

Last week was a week of crying, panic, and generally falling apart. I mentioned in my last post what I tried to do for my parents. Well, I couldn't handle the thought that I had made things worse and wanted to explain myself and tell my parents that it was my fault. My Mom, of course was kind of stunned speechless for a few minutes and then spent the next twenty convincing me that nothing was my fault. A couple of hours later my Dad called and told me that he'd spoken to Grandma and that they were going to be okay and said that I really shouldn't have asked Grandma to try and cash in my inheritance for them and thanked me anyway. Then he told me that I actually don't have one while he's still alive. Since I would much rather have my Grandparents and my Parents than money, I am perfectly okay with that and told my Dad as much. So at least that is cleared up and things are okay on that end. 

Home life for me just kind of fell apart for me on a mental and emotional level. Last year I told Amanda I couldn't live with her parent another year. I've had it rough since we moved up here dealing with my own crap, losing a lot on different levels, and so on. Well, it's been a year and I've told her that I really cannot make it until she graduates in July.  Something has to happen. Either I leave and go back to Kansas, which I don't want to do or we get a place of our own. Which has been impossible because she is working on her masters degree and trying to work and look for another job on top it while playing servant to her mother and helping me out when I feel like shit. So last week I spent most of the week having small meltdowns, panic attacks, and crying off and on. I didn't manage to get any homework done. I just kind of stared at the wall or looked at stuff on pinterest or talked with a friend on facebook. I also watched a couple of movies. I think I would have been happier reading something but I didn't feel like I could because if I read something for myself, then I should have been reading homework. 

Anyway, I finally got it all started last night. I've done half the homework in each class and will have to do the other half for both classes tomorrow and Wednesday and then do all the homework for this week too. And there are some fun things happening at the end of this week, like Imbolc. There is no way I am missing that. 

My Aunt has pissed me off on whole new levels. First she's always been a manipulative, hypochondriac, hypocritical, lying bitch who loves to start fights with people. She ran my Uncle into the ground and now she's running my cousin Shi-Chan into the ground. But recently, after learning that a Shi-Chan's best friend, who is a gay man, has AIDS, she said the most awful thing, that this friend deserves it because of his chose lifestyle. No, no one straight or gay or whatever deserves AIDS!  As if that wasn't awful enough, as if tormenting her own daughter wasn't enough, my aunt actually called my mother up and told her to get off her ass, get in the kitchen, and make her dinner one night. And by make her dinner, she expected my mother to make it, bring it to her. Gods forbid she actually get off her ass and help my mother. My aunt was also "too sick" to help Shi-Chan give her niece a bath and wanted Shi-chan to call my mom and make my mom do it. Are you kidding me? My aunt has gotten so vicious, so hateful, and so fucking lazy that my Dad had to actually sit and baby sit her- he had to watch a movie with her at my parents house- while my Mom and Shi-chan cleaned my aunt and Shi-Chan's house. Just so they could get it done in peace and quickly while Shi-chan's niece was with her dad. I mean it's fucking insane!

Well, I have unfriended my Aunt on facebook because I am tired of her hypocritical bible thumping religious posts and every time I see something from her I get extremely angry. I have also blocked her on google+ so she can't read my blog or see anything from me on there. Today she called me and left a message on my voice mail saying that I had to call her ASAP! Oh fuck no! She will not order me around. I have only tolerated her this long for the benefit of Shi-Chan and my parents because my aunt is the kind of person who will take it out of them. But I'm kind of like screw it, I am done! I haven't called her because I would tell her exactly how I feel, that I don't want to speak to her again and "fuck you".

Now, there has been some positive things peaking through all this doom and gloom. I had coffee with a friend today, which was really nice. I also met Amanda at the store and since we have to replace all the stuff we left back in KS, some furniture and kitchen things, we decided to start doing piecemeal now so it isn't so awful when we do get a place. Also, the housing assistance lottery opened today so we will be filling out the application to get out names in for the drawing there as well as looking for subsidized housing. But, we found a hand mixer, a really good blender, and a set of pots and pans including utensils on clearance at Walmart today. We also bought some towels to go with the few we already have and some towels for the kitchen that came with a drying mat for dishes. I also grabbed a pot holder set. Then I got some make up remover wipes and some body wash.  

The only reason I am still up, and its 4:41 am at this very moment, is because I did something stupid and bought myself an early birthday present. Guild Wars 2. I really wasn't going to get it, but I stopped gaming when I started school and I miss it. My Dad doesn't play GW1 anymore and plays Eve Online. He buys the subscription when he's ahead. I can't afford a monthly subscription fee, even if I bought it ahead of time and I don't think I could devote enough to it to really do it justice or make it worth the money spent. GW2 I have been curious about for awhile. We were really excited when it first came out but backed away because there were some major changes. But today, I just said screw it. I can play it at my leisure and not have to worry about letting other people down because I have to do other things. I got the digital version and it's still downloading, has been since 11 pm. Its currently at 92%. 

After I have had some sleep, Amanda and are going to visit a co-worker and friend of hers for tacos and to watch a movie and American Horror Story. When we get home, I have to work on homework. Other than that, we are going to have to schedule a time to get Galen into the vet, he's kind of going down hill again. I'd take him tomorrow but it's hard to get a same day appointment with the vet and he's still eating and drinking, just has that really weird cough hack thing.