An update and backtracking with depression monster.

Fear the Mind by wacalac

The last couple of weeks have been a struggle and I have learned and or realized a couple things. But first I'll update the medical situation with a short recap.

I was taking neurontin for fibromyalgia. I also take another medication that doubles as an antidepressant but is largely prescribed for fibromyalgia. Since I would like to lose weight, my doctor decided to take me off neurontin because it causes weight gain and the plan was to max me out on the other med. In addition to that, he put me on a weight-loss drug to help boost the process. Except he decided not to max me out on the other med until the neurontin is completely out of my system and thus my fibromylgia has been a screaming bitch the last couple of weeks, which I will get more into in a moment. Secondly, I don't think the weight-loss medication gives me any more energy, just makes me feel unsettled, occasionally antsy, and dizzy, and on a few occasions I've felt like my heart was racing when I wasn't moving. The latter at least passes quickly. Third, I don't know what the heck is going on with my insurance and my GERD medication, but for some reason they didn't want to fill it. 

So I've been trying to curb the symptoms with aloe juice/water. I've also been drinking kombucha lately to try to get my stomach in order. I have been more nauseated than usual, which makes me not want to eat and the newest issue, not want to drink anything either. Swallowing has been difficult. It;s like when I swallow food or liquid, it goes down but then it feels like something painful is coming up. My throat feels a little tight and sometimes the pain reaches up into my jaw. It's different from the TMJ pain I get because of the fibro, so I know it's not that. Either way, it is fucking weird! I was about to call my insurance to see what was going on when the pharmacy called yesterday to let me know I had a prescription ready. I just need to go pick it up tonight. Still, I'm going to discuss it with my doctor when I see him next, which will be soon.

Back to the fibro, its been bad and with out the neurontin taking the edge off, the bad flare up days have been worse. I've been practically making love to the heating pad. Still, I've been trying to capitalize on the better days to get some walking done and also work out with a friend. Fun fact, you can trigger a fibro flare up by exercising! I would go for a very short walk, get in and get busy doing something, and the next thing I know my body is screaming at me. I've exercised before, in the pool and on the elliptical, and yeah, I would hurt, but not like I have been. My thought was that maybe that had something to do with the fact that I was pre- hysterectomy? And well, I also had a decent amount of fibro medication taking the edge off. In my research about how to navigate this problem, its kind of a crap shoot. I can't get my heart rate up too much, have to workout for shorter periods, and doing water aerobics and yoga might be better. 

My depression monster has upped its game the last couple of weeks as well. I know some of that is pain induced. But there is a lot that's not. I had a day where I was looking for something to cut my skin off with and when I realized what I was doing, I did my best not to freak. A couple of times I've found myself scratching at my face or other places but managed to stop. Worse, I'm having instances where I am too afraid to and can't move. I just sit and cry quietly and stare at the wall for sometimes up to half an hour. I've been trying grounding, the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, and a good deal of the time I can at least get myself back to mostly neutral.  The rest of the time I have to ride it out. I've also had random bursts of crying for no good reason or feel like I need to cry all day long whether or not I actually do. My usual distraction or escape methods to make me feel better (anime and music) haven't been doing as good job as they usually do. These are all things I'm going to talk to my therapist about, of course. Don't worry, I'm not in danger of offing myself. I told myself I couldn't die until I got a book published. More importantly, hurting friends and family is something I can't handle.

Despite my no picnic last couple of weeks, I have had a few good moments. Cuddles with the cats have been and are always good. I've finally been reading a little and I've been talking with my cousin Shi-Chan a bit. And I downloaded Pokemon Go on my phone so I could play it while I walk. I like it, so far, but it certainly drains the hell out of my battery.